Seeking Advice from Mom's with 14 Yr Old Boys Getting in Trouble in School

Hi S.,

I have a 17 yo son. 14 is a hard age: exposure to drugs, alcohol and bad behavior are concerns for EVERY teen. The best way to combat that is to require and support them in pursuing outside activities they enjoy (art, sports, music, etc) and by having zero tolerance and harsh consequences concerning drugs & alcohol.

This letter seems a bit suspect to me though. I would want to know if this type of behavior is happening in other classes. If you haven't gotten calls or letters from other teachers the first thing I would do is to approach them to get a better perspective on his overall behavior in school. Just ask them how he's doing, most teachers will point out his strengths and weaknesses.

Also, how are his grades? Have they remained consistent from previous semesters and years? If his grades haven't changed, and other teachers don't have an issue with him, I would avoid bringing the issue up with him, and request a meeting with the teacher and principal together.

Walking down the hall with girls loudly is VERY normal behavior at this age. (Sheesh... hormones are bouncing off the walls!)

This teacher sounds like she's lax on rules, (is SHE trying to show the students how cool SHE is?) he may have gotten the message that rules are not important for THAT teacher and even that she may only enforce them on kids she doesn't like and bend them on the ones she does. This is completely normal, and indicative of higher intelligence, not necessarily going down the wrong path. If she wants him to follow the rules she needs to enforce them consistently.

Her expectation that he follow rules that she doesn't enforce in completely unrealistic.

The rest of the letter is her opinion of him with no supporting facts that may not be accurate. What kid doesn't test how far they can go... especially at 14? What 14 year old isn't trying to be cool amongst their peers? That is a normal developmental process we all go through.

Ask him why he left the class. I find it interesting that he hung out near the office. At 14 they are exploring new independence which can be a bit overwelming so they still need the security of authority - doesn't sound like this teacher provides much security for him.

If he has a crowd of girls following him around, this probably strokes his ego (that type of attention feels good to people of all ages) and it may be going to his head and making him a bit cocky - or he may just be learning how to handle all that attention. If his other friends are truly getting tired of it and he takes it too far, no worries, they will reality check him eventually - much more effectively than any adult would ever be able to. If and when that happens, be a compassionate ear and maybe brainstorm with him about how HE can reconnect with his friends.

And that glazed-over look... why do you think the teachers in the Snoopy cartoons only say Wah wa wah wah wahhh? Normal.

Sorry, but it sounds to me like she has poor classroom management skills and is trying to pass the buck onto you. I would want to have a face to face conversation with her AND the principal, and I'd bring the letter.

If her perception is accurate, talk to the school counselor about things you can do. He's in the process of discovering who he is in the world, this could just be a phase he's going through. The best thing for him is to experience the natural consequences of his behavior and assist him in learning how to self correct. Remember, we all learn our greatest lessons through our mistakes.

P.S. --- a good quote from the '60's: "Question Authority!"

Hello S.-
As a high school teacher, I have to say that if this is the first time you have heard of this yet your son "has a reptution," that is completely inappropiate. Shame on any teacher that only marks or takes actions because the principal is present! She has caused her own issues! However, on your behalf, check with other teachers, and make sure that he just isn't "using" this one because she lets him, and only does something because the principal is watching (He still should behave, but that may narrow down your job to one teacher, not all of them). Next, you have to be consistent at home with him, and in order to do this, you must know what happened in school THAT day, so work with the teachers and (I know they are crazy busy) but see if they can shoot you an email about daily behavior: tardies, defiance, working during classtime, homework, all that kind of thing). Then, have a double incentive policy at home: something good for good behavior and bad for bad behavior, that way he is not seeking negative attention for poor behavior yet you aren't ignoring it looking for the good. As he progresses, you will probably only need a "Friday update" making sure that all was well that week. I am sure he is a good kid, but if his behavior doesn't improve by high school, wow....you are in for it because there is TONS more freedom, the teachers have TONS more students and he will be on a path to failure. I am so glad someone actually informed you now so you can do something. Good luck! Oh, and I would say really, that talking to the principal will really only tick off the teachers. Follow the chain of command: teachers first, and if they don't try or you are unsatisfied, THEN go to the principal.. Just a thought. Good luck!

This also happened to me when my son was in Jr. High. I called the principal, all the teachers and told them what I was going to do and asked if it was okay with them. They all thought it was great. I let him get ready for school, get out the door and waited until I knew he was at school, then got into my rattiest pj's, put my hair up in curlers, put on a green mask, a ratty old holey bathrobe, and went to school. When I walked into his class, all the kids were wondering who is that lady, I sat behind him, and proceeded to follow him throughout the day. He was so embarrassed because I would whisper loudly "Did you understand what the teacher just asked you to do?" I also tapped him on the shoulder when he was filling out his assignment notebook and asked "Did you write all that down?" All through High School and the rest of Jr. High we never had another discipline problem or lack of respect to any of the administration. Don't know if any other schools would let you do it, but it sure worked for my son.
J.

I agree with all the advice but also don't be blinded by your love. At 14 we found out our daughter was shopliflting and a bunch of other stuff that we had no idea. It was news to us. So don't keep the mommy glasses on so tight you can't see the real him. They are always different at home. I am on the 6th one and he is the same. But still and always, no matter what they do, let them know that you love them! You just don't like the behavior and you are going to work on that. Definately contact the school and principal and find out his reputation from someone other than this teacher and go from there. It may just be her. But it does sound like he needs to be reigned in a bit. Keep up the good work mom.

Can he scream "I NEED ATTENTION" any louder???

Is Dad involved??? If so, HE needs to get on your son NOW to correct this and then give your son MUCH MORE constructive and loving attention.

If not, Your job just got a LOT harder. This is a "Do WHATEVER it takes" time. Drastic measures are needed. So, I suggest you clear your schedule for AT LEAST a day and get your "going back to school" clothes on. He needs you to SHOW him you mean business.

Children are very, very, very clear (and correct) on the concept that "Talk is CHEAP".

This age SUCKS when they're feeling out of control for them and US!!! I have had to get serious with my boy, too. It's tough at first but pays of BIG!!!

OH, and one other thing: NEVER give a time limit to the consequence. Keep it to "when I SEE that you're in control" so you can make it shorter or longer without undermining yourself. Also, become SUPER PLEASANT throughout the whole process. This is important, too, for YOU to stay in control and not become distracted by their behavior trying to get you to stop. Keep your sights on the ONE problem you're trying to correct--IGNORE the others until another time, you'll have pleanty of opportunity to correct them, too, but you must stay focused on the ONE you're correcting at a given time. :o) :o) :o) You can do this!!!

Just to chime in...I agree with the other folks that have said this teacher sounds a little odd. My guess would be your son has no respect whatever for the teacher, and why should he? The teacher is wishy washy and bending the rules for expediency of the students behaviour. There must not be much classroom management if a student feels free to get up and walk out mid session. Holy cow.

Its time for a non-judgmental talk with your son and find out what's going on at school. I'm guessing he can see through the farce of the inconsistent rules and is flouting them because that the example the teachers are giving him. It may also be time to get him interested in some hobby, sport, music, something that will draw his attention and make life more interesting than just focusing on school. GL. Big hug.

First off, as far as letters go, this one sounds like she is letting you know in the best way possible that there is a problem, as opposed to critizing your child. Unless you have had problems with this teacher in the past (previous child for example) I would take it at face value because she has no reason to single your son out except that he is behaving exactly like she says he is. That may be hard to hear, I know. Remember that she is stuck as much in a set of rules as to what she can do as you are. First, I think you should meet with the teacher and get a better idea what is going on, without your son. Be open to what she has to say and place the responsibility for what is happening squarely where it should be, on your son. Talk to his other teachers as well. Is this a reoccurring pattern, or is it a problem with just this class? He may be testing the rules because she lets things go too much. But be prepared to accept the consequences as well. Recently, my daughter, who is 7, got suspended because she smeared feces on the wall of the bathroom. My instinct initially was to fight with the school, because i think it was overkill, but if she is going to follow the rules, so do I. So she was suspended, and she had to clean the bathrooms (at my request) with the janitor on her recesses for the rest of the week.
Next, I would talk with your son. Try and find out why he is choosing to behave the way he is. Encourage him to be open and ask him to come up with solutions to the problem. He will be more willing to change his behavior and follow the rules if he isnt just the problem but part of the solution.

I hope this helps! Good luck and, if you believe in that sort of thing, it doesnt hurt to pray for guidance and insight into your son, and solutions to the problem.

Hi S.,

I am a big fan of "talk to the Principal". I agree with the other Mother who asks why this is the only correspondence you have had from the school. What are his grades like, acceptable? I would take my cute little self and the letter to the school and ask the Principal about my son's reputation to the best of their knowledge, and to clarify about the correspondence you received.

On the other hand, your son needs to learn about acceptable boundaries and respect. PERIOD. This isn't about the school issue, it is just a common every day necessity. It is not OK to get up and walk out, it is not OK to cause disruption (he probably has students thinking he's a jerk--I know I would have). Respect is the most important skill a person can possess. Have you considered a therapist?

What is your home life like? How does he treat you and your family and friends? He may kiss you every morning and help Grandma, but he also doesn't know that you have been made aware of his issues. That could change if you start to hold him accountable. If he is perfect at home, maybe there is something else going on. If he can't talk to you, a therapist may be a good way for him to get some answers and get the check cashing from an objective source.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but this is a great opportunity--he may just have an issue with this teacher (wonder why?) The more I think about it, I think she has issues. I have a high school age son, and the middle school teachers were mean as snakes--why would she lie for a kid??? Either way, he needs to learn that he is going to have to deal with people for the rest of his life, and he may not get along with some of them but he will have to find a way to make it work. Respectfully. I wish you soooo much luck. This is a situation where you will need to tread carefully.

My mom had one basic rule that started in middle school. If a teacher contacted her on a behavior issue, she would attend that class for a week, to help monitor the situation.
Classroom management style, wasn't the issue behavioral expectations were. She only attended once, and to this day, my brother and his friends talk about her meeting him at his locker every day before that class.
This same brother, came in every night to kiss her goodnight and always let her know where he was. Unfortunately, during that time he was also drinking and experimenting with drugs. Love your son, admire his many special qualities, but step in and help him to become the best he can be. You are going to do the right thing for your family and do great at it.

Wow, what a blessing to have a teacher that obviously has a heart for you child. I recommend you set up an appt. with the teacher and ask them what they see as ways to help your child get back on the right track.
I think it's so important for teenagers to know that they can not hide from people who are committed to them and care about their future. Obviously this teacher cares and is wanting the best for your child.
It sounds like your son may have thought he found a place where he could behave differently than he normally does without having to be accountable for it. He sounds like a very normal teenager that is trying to figure out whether being what people around him want him to be is worth it and if there are no consequences the behavior will continue.
If instead he sees that his teacher is a part of the team of people who care about him too much to watch him make choices that he will regret then he will start behaving the way you are used to seeing him even when you are not there.

I would check with your son's other teachers. If this is the first time you've gotten any correspondence about your son, I don't understand why he would have a "reputation". If you haven't noticed any sudden change in his grades and his other teachers don't seem to have any behavior problems, the problem most likely lies with his teacher; judging from the letter, that would be my guess. It seems that she does not have very good classroom management skills and needs to be more consistent. If she "fudges" the tardies except when she has to and the principal witnessed him being tardy, that is showing the class that promptness is not something that she expects or values in her classroom. If she excuses tardies most of the time except when she can be held accountable for them, she is sending mixed signals to the kids "I don't have to show up to class on time unless the principal is standing nearby". She seems to be setting the expectations of her students low and they seem to take advantage of that. You can talk to your son about respect and acceptable behavior, but his teacher needs to be the one to enforce the consequences when it happens. As far as the behavior that she is talking about- that is pretty normal behavior for a 14 year old boy. I'm assuming he is a freshman in high school (or an 8th grader). If that's the case, this is probably his first year of high school, hormones are running wild, girls are paying attention to him and a lot of boys LOVE that because it strokes their ego. We had a teacher in high school that was super lax and students would take advantage of that. She would let people go to the store to get food, hot chocolate, sandwich stuff, etc. but everyone still respected her because she was so sweet. If there are no problems in the other classes, I suggest talking to this teacher and let her know that maybe what your son needs is consistent consequences and clear expectations of behavior. He needs to know that she is in charge and she needs to be in charge. However, if there has been a sudden drop in grades (not just this one class) and other teachers have complaints as well, it might be time to talk to the teachers and/or the principal with your son on expected behavior. If this is the case, just remember that as his mom, you are most likely to get defensive and think he is an angel, especially if he has been at home, but go in with an open mind and remember that correcting poor behavior decisions now will benefit him in the future. Good luck. As I said, most likely, it sounds like this might be an issue with the teacher herself, but do a little research on it and act accordingly :)

Quick-- get your hands on a copy of "Hold On to You Kids" by Dr. Gordon Neufeld. It is a brilliant work and discusses the all-too-common but dangerous phenomenon of "peer-orientation," the technical name for when children start shutting out their positive adult mentors in favor of only responding to and, in effect, parenting, each other. It talks about how to prevent it but also how to re-claim your peer-oriented child. Skip around if the beginning seems dry--it's useful history but it's the rest of the book that will feel most useful to you, I believe. I love this book. It's in paperback now and you could find it cheap online at Powells or Amazon if it's not at your library.
I'm sorry you're going through a rough patch. On the up side, it sounds like you've got a genuinely caring teacher who really wants your son to do well and is willing to be an advocate for him, with your help.
Hang in there.

My concern is you thinking you have little control because it is at school. OF COURSE YOU DO! You are the parent. First sit down and read the letter allowed with him. Ask him what his behavior was going to get him? What was he trying to accomplish? Now from home standpoint, you need to take him in and sit him to apologize to the teachers he disrespected, with you right there!
Then there are to be serious consequences at home, no more TV, Computer or phones, video games for at the very least 10 days! He needs to go to those administrators and have consequences set up for him at school too!
Once he can prove to you that he is to be respectful, sit in class, pay attention and strive for good grades, then priviledges can be earned back! Don't give them away, make him earn them back.

I think the letter is dramatic, he is a kid, he didn't do that huge of a bad thing and them labeling him bad doesn't help. I would meet with school counselors too to see if what he is doing is truly for attention, or to impress a girl! All of which can be managed. You most certainly have control and can make sure even if it means getting daily updates from his teachers via email or phone calls each day. Let him know you cannot trust him to do the right thing right now and you will check with the school daily!!!!!

Seriously, it isn't the schools job to micro manage, they got a little dramatic but you are the parent and need to enforce boundaries. If he walks across that line whether he is the sweetest kid or not, you have to set up consequences and hold him accountable. Once he sees his method is not doing what he wants it to do, then maybe he will change his tune. It is normal for all kids to test boundaries in or out of school. Love him, give him support but hold him accountable for his bad decisions.

S.,

I taught middle school for several years. There are a lot of unanswered questions for me. Is this the first you have heard from the teacher? How are his grades? Have you talked to your son? Have you talked to his other teachers and principal? If his behavior is a concern to you, I would suggest calling the principal or team leader for his grade (if they have one) and ask for a meeting. Ask for all of his teachers, the principal, the counselor, everyone you can think of and see how many people you can get there. I agree that he is begging for attention. Make sure the meeting is positive. Talk about what the kid is doing right and then let your son talk about his concerns are and lastly (catch the order here) let teachers talk about their concerns. Stay in control of the meeting. Have a written agenda and talk with the principal or team leader before it starts about what you want the meeting to look like and your goals for meeting. At the end of the meeting, you son should set some clear goals for what he will be doing starting that day to make things better and the staff should also say what they will be doing differently. Set consequences for what will happen if things don't change and write everything down. Set a follow up meeting for two weeks or a month later. Your son needs to know that this is important enough for you to take time out to hear everyone out and come up with a plan.

Let me also just say that the teacher who wrote this letter should not behave differently because the principal is present. Shame on him or her! Rules are rules. If your son is not in the room or even in his seat before the bell rings, he is tardy. The school must have a tardy policy and the teacher should follow it. If the teacher doesn't follow the policies and rules of the school, how can he/she expect the kids to? I would think that the principal would be interested to see the letter the teacher sent home. If he is coming late because of another teacher, the other teacher should write him a pass. That is a "no-brainer" as any kid would say. Defending a kid when they are wrong never, never, never helps the kid. What is wrong with this teacher? I'm sorry I'm going off here, but the more I think about this, the more upset I get. I would suggest calling the principal today and setting up an appointment with him/her first. Bring the note. I'd be very interested to hear what happens.

T.

Well have you sat down and spoken to your son. Not demanding to know but actually talk to him. Tell him about the note, let him know you are concerned, and you want to help. If he wont or cant open up to you, maybe he will to his schhol counceler or maybe some one outside the family. Good luck and never give up on him.

first of all....has anyone caught your son drinking or doing drugs?? If not, then that is NOT the reason for the bad behavior.
My guess is that your son is trying out a new persona. Maybe someone told him he was too boring and too much of a goody two shoes.
No matter how god his grades are, the teachers and principal are not doing him any favors by not disciplining him. At this point you can and should talk to your son about his school behavior. But the faculty at his school needs to also step up and take control of their end. It is their job, NOT yours, to enforce the rules at school.
I can't tell you how many discussions I've had with my kids' principal over their bus and classroom behavior. All because the faculty refused to take responsibility at school.
The fact of the matter is this. At school, your child needs to follow school rules (as well as remembering common sense and decency) when he is at school, and it is the job of the school faculty to enforce those rules, and administer discipline for breaking the rules. That doesn't mean that he shouldn't be grounded if he get in trouble at school....he should. That will show him that he is responsible for his actions and that bad behavior will be disciplined at home as well.
Good luck, and let me know what ends up working for you. So far My 14 yr olds are just being lazy, and are suffering bad grades, I haven't had an issue with them just walking out of class.

No Dad in the picture? Sounds like a boy who doesn't have a male role model. Boys need men to get them through the teenage years, teach them how to behave and control their aggressions, and teach them how to grow into productive men. Women can't do this for boys.

Just my guess. If he's got a Dad, the Dad needs to step in here, big time.

Good luck to you. I am saying a prayer right now.

You might try the book "Hold on to your Kids" by Gordon Neufield. It seems like it might be helpful.

Good Luck!

S.,

First question: Why the anger? What is your believe about the school?

It is interesting to see the two completely difference experiences of your son. Why would it not be your responsibility of how he acts in school? Have you come to your son with questions about why he behaves in this way at school? My guess would be that he has gained loads of value by the way he behaves from his peers. Perhaps you and he can start to brainstorm ways that he can show respect for the principal and teacher and still be loved and respected by his peers.

Wishing you joy and peace, C.

Sit down with your son and his teacher to discuss the problem. Teachers have a way of.....I don't want to say lying...but you'll only get the truth of the matter from both parties if they're both in the room.

If he's been such a problem child, this shouldn't have been the first you've heard of it.

S.,
Please talk to your son. See is take on the situation. Sometimes kids will act out when they are not with their parents! If this treacher is not treating your son with respect he might be acting out! Now don't get me wrong, that isn't an excuse for his behavior. I have a son who just turned 15. Last year he had teachers that "didn't get him" he has alot of issues and they didn't want to get him as far as I am concerned. Anyway he had some of the same behaviors. This year all of his treachers can overlook for the most part his issues and see him ofr the great kid he is!! He has several people he can talk to if he is feeling the need!
Keep the lines of communication open with the teacher as well. She is with him during the day. YOu do have control over him when he is at school! You have the right as his parent to go to the school and observe. I have done this and if there is an issue youcan see it. It also reassures the teachers that they aren't alone in educating your son. It also shows your son that you want whats best for him and that he still needs to do the right things.

Good luck! It's hard but worth it! I have two teenagers and they give me a run for my money at times!! But so do my two grade schoolers!!

Kids! I can imagine that was stressful! Have you heard of love and logic? They have books and classes etc. It is really a philosopy more than anything. They talk about not letting the kids problems become yours. It is also better he figure these things out now while under the safety of your guidance. How are thing's at home? Are you married, is Dad around? Has something happend lateley? I would definately communicate with the teacher, they have a tough job and need support, you may not have an answer right away but at least communicate.