Seeking Advice for Teenager

Being a high school teacher, I would say that is the most common question I get from parents.

:oP If I knew the magic bullet, I would be rich. That's only because each kid follows the beat of their own drum.

I agree that you need to find out what would get your teenager's buy in. They have to internally believe that homework is for a reason: good grades, learning something new, learning how to work hard as practice for a job, etc. Most kids do not have this internal voice to be a constant cheerleader for them: to tell them to not give up, that even rote work can be for a reason, etc. You have to help your kid develop the inner voice, develop self-control, and mature. Kids who are internally motivated to learn for learning's sake (they just love to learn new things), they don't grumble about work, and they show higher achievement later in life - DESPITE GRADES. That means that a kid who likes learning and is an average student at least has the attitude to take them far in life.

Your own attitude towards work, the homework they are assigned, and the school they attend are also huge predictors of your child's attitude. If they ask why they have to do it and you're thinking "you know...this is silly. it's a lot of work and they may never use it...". well, your kid will see right through you. Most parents I have had conferences with are worried about grades - their kid's attitude towards the work isn't even ON their radar, and yet they wonder: why is my kid unmotivated.

Attitude.

So, I hope you find out what makes your kid tick and whether or not they value work. I do find that in general, kids who participate in sports do not complain much about homework. They understand the value of practice. There is always the exception to the rule, but even struggling students who do well enough for sports won't have a poor attitude towards the work itself.

Sorry for the soapbox. I have been reading a lot on motivation theory (it is such a huge problem, dozens of psychologists devote their lives to studying it) and well...it boils down to attitude.

2 moms found this helpful

I am a Grandmother with five grandchildren, three girls and two boys. The boys are now both teenager (15 & 17) and both daughters have had difficulty with this issue. The thing that I notice what works the most, is when my daughters take an active interest and set down with them and discuss their homework in the evenings. The boys do much better when they have to complete their homework, before playing on the computer or video games. The sooner they get it done, the more free time they are given. Motivation of teenagers, takes more time and energy by the parents, but the rewards are very good and payoff in the long run. Also, parents end up learning alot about their teenager by sitting with them one on one. Good luck

2 moms found this helpful

My daughter is now nearly 21 and finishing up her second year in college -- but 5 years ago I wasn't sure she would even finish high school! She was cutting class, not getting work done on time.

What helped turn her around:
1 - a teacher who believed in her made a huge difference
2 - A harder class (taken because the encouraging teacher told her she thought she could do the work) actually inspired her to do her homework.
3 - I took her to visit a college and then left her to go to lunch with a student host. She saw what she was risking.
4 - getting out of town with her on a mini road trip. It was easier to talk when we were out of our home environment.
5 - being available to help her with homework and finding a tutor for the class I didn't understand. She was bored in one class and over her head in another.
6 - acknowledging that some of the teachers, rules, the work they assigned were really unfair or just plain stupid (and I don't use that word lightly), but pointing out the life lesson is you still have to deal with it.

Nutshell: Getting out of the power struggle with her - using logical consequences, appreciating/encouraging good mentors who were not related to her, not trying to talk her out of her feelings but not using them as an excuse to fail.

The reward - her first year at college she told me : I have so much work to do and it's really hard, but I'll get it done because I want to stay here and I have to do it in order to stay. Second year at college - she admitted she wished she had come to school with better study habits. She got herself a tutor for the class she was failing, and has stepped up to take responsibility for her life.

Good luck! take care of yourself and remember the part of the brain that controls common sense is the last to develop (in the early 20s I think).

2 moms found this helpful

Hi J. -

This is my experience: I have 3 teenagers, and each of them needs different motivations. My 17 year old would rather never do homework - he does everything last minute if at all. He loves to play video games and talk to his friends on instant messenger. During the day, I take the controllers to his video game console, and I log him out of the computer (only I know the password - and he doesn't have an administrator account). When he gets home from school, he has to do all his homework and his chore(s) before he gets the controllers back or get logged onto the computer. I also have parental controls turned on windows vista - the computer logs him out automatically at whatever time I choose - so he has a curfew - that can change based on his behavior.

My 15 year old pretty much does her homework right after school. She likes to get good grades and do well. So I don't have to motivate her to do homework. I do have to motivate her to do chores - this is the last thing she wants to do. For her, she likes to hang out with her friends. If she hasn't done her chores, she can't hang out with her friends.

My 13 year old is a bit unorganized. She wants to do her homework, but misjudges how long it will take her, tends to save big projects for the last minute, and has a hard time getting everything together to complete an assignment. For her we have an agreed upon time daily to do her homework and go through homework schedules. As long as this works for her to be doing her homework at the same time every day and she has enough time to get it done, then it's fine. We may have to change once she gets into high school.

I guess the bottom line is to find out what your child spends his time doing, and then restrict it until the homework is done. The other part of this is rewarding your child when he does do his homework. Most teachers have grades/assignments online in junior high and especially high school - so you can usually check on assignments at any time - it takes a bit of work keeping up, but your child knows you are keeping track.

Of course, this isn't perfect, and I would love for my children to arrive home from school, happily open their backpacks and cheerfully complete all their homework for the rest of the evening, but I don't think that is going to happen....:)

2 moms found this helpful

Teens are a different breed... they go through so much at this time and think they know what is best for them and we know nothing. My son quit high school 6 months before he graduated, and after working for 4 months delivering auto parts went back to receive his GED. I truly feel for you.

Any idea why your teen doesn't want to do his/her homework?
Could part of the problem be that maybe he/she does not understand the classes? I paid for a tutor in high school to help my son understand algebra and he ended up loving it and enjoyed doing his homework.

Maybe incentives for homework done each month would be good... like a day going or doing something they enjoy. Does he/she drive? You could also take priviledges away if the work is not done. I have to wonder if maybe the teen is on drugs and has no interest in homework because of this. As difficult as it is for you, perhaps tough love is the answer.

I wish you the best...

1 mom found this helpful

Tie the work to a reward. For example, my 13 year old wanted a CD. The deal was I'd get the CD if she broght her work up to 57%. Now it's certain sandals and 75%.

1 mom found this helpful

As a high school teacher let me give you a few ideas;
First - constant contact with teachers. Get phone numbers and emails and be aware of all the assignments and due dates. This prevents your teenager from lying to you about not having any work, or from telling you it is not an important assignment when in fact it is. The teachers also appreciate your help and will be better able to help your teenager with your support.
Second - Coaches can be an incredible help. If your teenager participates in any sports, clubs, student government, or band - the teacher/coach leading this activity can be really helpful. They are often the first person I would talk to as a teacher when having a problem with a student.
Third - no after school activites? Get them started now! Students often have a much more positive experience in school when part of a team. They are often encouraged by other students in their group to get good grades, do homework etc. It also forces them to manage their time better. When you have too much time on your hands you get bored. Homework never seems like a good idea for solving boredom. However, a busy student is usually better at planning out what needs to get done, and when. Athletes tend to have more energy and feel more positive about themselves. That might encourage them at their school work.
Fourth - get a tudor if needed. Tudors are like confidence magic. However, be sure to get a strong one. Your teenager may not like them at first, but usually after about 6 weeks they are seeing results and warming up to their tudor. It can make a world of difference. If possible, get one to come to your house. It is harder to get out of it that way. ALso, do not stay in the room with them. Leave them alone to do their thing.
Finally - 2 things a teenager cannot live without = their cell phone and their computer. So if you ever need to take away a luxury, start with the cell phone. Take it away until they get a grade up in a class, or finish a paper etc. Then if you need to go further, no computer in their room. Next, no computer usage at all after 8pm except to type a school assignment and done in a public area of the house where you can monitor.
Well I hope this helps some. I wish you lots of luck!

1 mom found this helpful

My son (14) went from all Fs to almost all grades a B. We recently purchased him an X box and he LOVES it. We work on a week by week schedule. Every Friday he has to bring home a sign in sheet from all teachers reporting his grades and any missing assignments. If all grades are over a C and all the homework has been turned in then he gets his computer and his X box to play with. If there are even one grade below C or homework was not turned in then he looses his privileges for the week. This puts some responsibility on him as well.

1 mom found this helpful

Hi J.. Though my son is not a teenager I have many family friends who have teenagers or coming close to it and I remember my parents struggling with us to do homework. I personally am not a good example, I refused to study, did enough to make sure I got everything done and really didn't open books and still had a B average. Now my brothers were totally different, my parents found that they LOVED the television so for each hour they put in studying doing homework, etc., that is how long they got to watch TV on weekends. I personally believe that there is something else going on as to why he doesn't want to do homework - is he not being challenged enough by the teacher/subject, is there conflicts he's experiencing at school (ie being an outcast, called names, insure with being him or around large groups), does he have a learning disability that you may or may not be aware of? What's his home life like? Does he have too much free time, too many other extra's (ie cell phone, computers, games, etc) and not enough responsibilities? It is my opinion that there is something going on and you need to try to get to the root of it. I am POSITIVE everything will work out for you.

1 mom found this helpful

Hi J.- you have some good responses already, but just in case you have a teenage boy who is experiencing a lot of physical growth, I would just add that sometimes it's good to allow them the freedom to go out and run it off (literally) before knuckling down to work. With our son, the two prongs of our approach are 1)being aware of what he must accomplish so we can hold him to it, and 2) giving him as much freedom, every day, as we can before we start to hold the boundaries.
In practice, that means I might suggest he begin work as soon as he has snacked after school; he may ask (nicely) if it would be ok to take a run. I give a time by which he must be back (up to 1 and a half hours), and when he's back, he understands that it's appropriate to apply himself to homework.
I guess we have a standing agreement that large battles are unpleasant for all of us, and we have agreed to this system of mutual cordiality and respect. I try very hard not to lose my temper when on occasion he disappoints me (say I walk over, an hour later, to find he's actually chatting online, not writing a paper)- what I do is comment that it is hardly fair that he should take advantage of my earlier trust and then not uphold his half of the deal. That's usually enough, because he knows it's true- I have neither nagged nor given him a hard time.
Key to it all working is our faith in his desire to be honest, reliable and moderately successful at school, as well as his knowing we are paying close attention. And also key is the fact that routinely- say once a month on weekends, when all is well- we will be doing things he LOVES (Kings game with his friends, learning to fly (soar) gliders, etc).
I sympathise with all the extra headache this time is causing you, and hope your family is able to find joy in working it out- R.

1 mom found this helpful

Hi J.!

It is soooooo hard to motivate a teen to do their homework. I've tried to do it twice, and now my 5th grader is having a hard time.

You didn't give much info on how to help you. The grade, a boy or girl. Boys and girls are very different teens, so they sometimes need to be handled/guided differently.
I have 2 opinions. One for just homework, then of course, the worse case senario...

If it's truly just homework that is a problem, then help your teen get through it. Even you are just sitting at the table reading the questions for him/her. Everyone needs a "boost" on homework every now and then. Just because they are teens, it's no different. Just "be there" as a supportsystem to show you care about him/her.
That's all they need right now. However, if you suspect it's worse than just the homework, the here it goes...

Our daughter was the worst case, so I'll use her example :o) As a Freshman, in a nutshell, she basically lied about everything involving homework....resulting in terrible progress reports, and borderline report cards.

We eventually had to go to her teachers. We called a meeting with each one of them (at their convenience) and explained our problem. We wanted to know her habits in the classroom (like late papers, tardiness, etc....) Yes we were shocked to get the answers!

So, from there, we had to "look" back at what our parents did for us when we were kids. Then modify it appropriately. We decided that our parents would NEVER let us go out anywhere if we lied about anything involving schoolwork. And they would take us out of any extra-cirricular activity (hers was band and cheerleading).

We sat her down (as calm as we could be) and lovingly explained what we had discovered about her. Extra-cirricular sports are a LUXURY one earns, and hers is about to be taken away. We told her that at this age, you can begin to be trusted and treated like an adult...or she could be treated like a 4th grader and always have us involved in her life, because she wasn't cabale of making good choices! We told her that she was "losing" our trust by lying to us about simple school things, or anything else for that matter!

We asked her why, to give her a chance to explain herself. We asked her what SHE was "looking for" from us, as parents. After this conversation, we were able to "start over" and find a common ground of what we expected of eachother. We told her that as parents, we would like to trust her, but it's something that is earned, and she's not going about it the right way. She bascially didn't want us "always there" anymore.

We gave her 2 weeks to prove to us that she was capable of acting like a responsible teen without us nagging at all. Then we could go from there and adjust. It worked most of the time, until she had a "boyfriend" then she lost her mind completely :o) You know, she's 22 now, and sometimes she still seems to "act" like that same teenager when it comes to responsibilty, but it could be worse I guess!!

Good Luck J., I'm sure you'll figure out how to best help your teen.

:o) N.

The one thing my husband and I did was to pay $10.00 for each A earned and $5.00 for each B for the semesters. It was worth the pay and helped them to see how much money they could earn each semester. Maybe he/she does not think they can be successful, then there may be some intervention needed along with the motivation.
C.

I am right there with you. I can not count how many nights we have spent trying to get our son to do his homework. The past few months have been better since we started implementing a few new rules. I think the key is that we always follow through with punishments (something we did not do in the past). If me son does not do is work his computer is taken out of his room and he looses all privileges. If Friday comes and all of his work for the week is not in he stays home for the weekend.

It took two long weekends for my son to realize that we meant business. He is now caught up and our nights are much easier. We also got a tutor for two afternoons a week. He seems to respond better to the advise of the tutor then myself or my husband.

J.,
My oldest it 18, and she has currently lost a lot of her
bedroom things because she won't keep her room clean.
She also has to come home by 11 on weeknights,and 12 on
weekends. We still ground her, and she has had some not fun moments in the past two months or so. In short we had to get strict, because things around here weren't getting done, and I am fully prepared to take more away, and do what ever it takes to get the point across. Even being married it is hard to stay with the program, I find that i have to mark the calendar when I take something away, otherwise, I forget what day it was, and they get it back sooner than they should have. In short, the schools usually have a form they can do when ever you want it, it is called a grade check. All you have to do is check with the counseling office, and set it up. My son has also lot his x-box, and now has to earn time in 5 minute incriments.
The house sure has gotten quiet since then. Our middle one is much happier because everyone else has to pull their weight much more, and she actually wanted to wash my car last week, amazing. Keep on him/her and stay strong!!
It will work.
W.

I agree on the reward system. whatever that my be in your child.
Its easy if their in sports or some school club, the school will put the ground rules in place. Something the kids respond more to since we as parents aren't saying anything. Its their choice.
Also the best thing I ever got to do with my kids was drive them to things. They were contained and would talk during the drive.
Never probe just light questions and expect when you start out some silence.

Good Luck

Have you tried sitting down and doing it with her/him? As you do so he/she may start talking and let you know why he/she doesn't like to do it. Then you can go from there.

Hi J.,

I am not the mom of a teenager, well not technically anyway. I AM a high school teacher though. First of all, as a teacher, I appreciate your proactive approach in getting involved!!! I guess it is exciting for me because too many of my students don't have parents who care enough &/or don't value education. What I have learned with teenage students is that motivation can definitely be hard to muster!!! In fact that is the one area I'm still trying to master...what I have learned so far is that you have to be creative because each child is different.
If you are trying for a positive approach - start with what your child likes & use it as a reward for completion of what is required with school.
If you need/want a negative approach, start taking things away...obviously starting with the nonessential stuff (like entertainment, privileges). Make your child PROVE the work is done...You can make up a little slip of paper that requires your child to write work assignments (both classwork & homework) down & have the teacher sign it. You can make a space that allows for the teacher to sign off that classwork was completed & sign off on the homework assignment (that your child copied the assignment down accurately) - I can send you an example of one if you would like). If that doesn't work though, don't give any privileges back!
Here is where creativity comes in - I recall an episode of the Cosby Show where Theo is taught a lesson in responsibility. What may be needed in your child's case is a sense of ownership and responsibility. As a teenager, their primary job is school. You can set it up just like a real-world simulation. You can actually issue a paycheck for grades - so much for an A, B, and C in each subject area. So maybe work with the teacher(s) and get a gradecheck biweekly or monthly. With that money they can pay for the privileges - cell phone, tv, etc. You can be even more drastic than that & make your child pay room & board if needed!
I have seen these methods work for various students - it truly depends on your child's personality though. Good luck because this truly is a tough area!

I have a teenage son, and we have found that school sports are a great motivation. The school demands that all students maintain a specific gpa and the child has a sense of responsibility to the team.

Hope this helps.

I told my son that he could not get his permit unless he had all A's and B's. I also told him that when he gets the good grades and has all his daily chores done he could tell me where he is going is stead of asking (of course with in reason). It worked. For your daughter that might not be the golden ticket. Find what makes her tick. Good luck!

This is just a sympathy note, no advice really. Some good advice from the other moms below. I have one bright but not academic child, one who just needs to get A's and works for them, and one freakish genius who just can't help but get A+'s no matter what he does.

With my oldest, if he brought home a project it felt like it was MY project, which might have been fun if I had been able to do it, but instead I had to pull teeth with someone who constantly dragged his heels. It was hell. I never found a major motivator, but I do agree that it really has to come from within the child themselves. My oldest son's now in college and here are his first semester grades without me there to constantly pester him: F, F, D, C and A. Good huh? But I have faith that he will achieve the maturity to finally excel (at something) in time. He's a good kid, anyway. Try the other moms' advice and if nothing works have faith that your child will succeed in life anyway (and keep reiterating your expectations.)