Seeking Advice for Behavior Issues and Helping Son Make Friends at School

Moving, new school, and a baby are hard adjustments to make for anyone. How were his social skills before he started school?
Several perople have mentioned Aspergers Syndrome. I am a specialist in that. Please email me and maybe we could talk on the phone. These children are extremely bright, they have very strong individual preferences for play, almost obsessive - they dont understand why other kids dont think like they do. They desperately want friends, but have no knowledge of social skills. (____@____.com) Dont let the word autism scare you. You have my love and support. G.

RJ,
Talk with the school counselor. My sons school has a social skills group. Maybe they will have some helpful suggestions.

Good luck!

I work with dyslexic and ADHD kiddos. Now, don't take this the wrong way, but it sounds like your son may have a behavior disorder...possibly something as simple as ADHD. Immaturity, a lack of social skills, difficulty making friends can all be symptoms of ADHD. I'm not pushing Ritalin or Adderall, but those are 2 of the drugs some parents choose to give their children for ADHD. You could also try some diet changes, but doctors will tell you that does not work.

Thank you and your husband for your service and sacrifice for our country!!! May God bless you greatly.

Please don't think your son is the ONLY kid that has trouble with friends. Lot's of folks have only a few really good friends. One of my sons was the same way. I have heard people say he's just a little backward. lol He's 17 now and has about 5 really good friends. Friends that will probably last a lifetime. He's kinda quirky so it was hard. I got involved at school. Go to all the parties and field trips meet the moms and see which kids you would like him to be friends with. Because trust me there are plenty of families it is probably better he doesn't hang with. More is not better.
Try to get involved at church so he has friends there. Most of my kids friends are church kids. They aren't perfect, that's for sure but they have the knowledge anyway. (moral)
Finally, pray for your son. Pray that God will send him a good friend.

It will happen.

P.S. My sons were both in trouble a little in school too. The one I mentioned previously stuck a paperclip into an outlet during reading time and blew a whole wing of the grade school electricity for an hour. oh yes, lovely days they were. He got to the point of just telling the teacher that he really had trouble concentrating when he was around others so please put my desk over by itself.

God Bless ya,
L. B

my 8 year old daughter has some social issues and has had them since preschool. The speech therapist at school actually does small social skill groups with her and a couple of other girls as well. This has helped tremedously. They play games together where they are building those skills of talking to each other and they also work on a project together that helps them learn stategies for working together in a group in the classroom. The speech therapist facilitates the who thing and redirects if things start to go wrong to help all of them think about how they could have done something different. It has been a hard road with the social skills, but she had a play date yesterday and everything went smoothly and have some smoothly more recently with the help of the speech therapist at school.
I know you have a younger daughter so it may be hard to completely direct your attention to, but have you tried having another little boy over for a playdate and getting involved in what they are doing to try and redirect when things start to go wrong? I did that with my daughter at home at it helped with the home setting. I would find the inner kid and play with them, or be in close ear shot to see if help was needed.
I hope this helps and good luck. Our prayers are with you and your son.

why wait & worry when you have the means to help your son? There is no stigma attached to seeing/using the school counselor...when we were going thru extreme trials with our oldest son, our youngest son visited the school counselor regularly. It helped him feel secure & increased his confidence. She was simply "an ear to bend", & truly helped him work thru the concerns/fears he had about our homelife at that time. She was noninvasive, nonjudgemental....a neutral party with lots of answers for all of us!

On another note, our youngest son shows traits similar to your son. The counselor was able to give us lots of recommendations which allowed him to function easier within the classroom...simple little things to work toward behavior modification...used both by our son & the teacher! In the end, we chose not to have him tested for disabilities because he maintained honor roll grades, with few behavioral issues. BUT, it was only by working as a team with the counselor & teacher that any of this was achieved. & to this day, he has only a handful of friends....& activities such as Scouts & sports have provided these friends. Good Luck!

It looks to me like the only real problem is the behavior in class. The rest looks like personality. Not all kids are naturally social. Some kids prefer to be alone. A kid that loves to focus on building Legos is doing a very positive thing, something that should be encouraged. My son was like that. He had very few friends, and for many years had no friends. But he loved to juggle and loved to build with Legos. He entered Lego contests and won some. He won a huge contest when he was about 10 and Lego sent him to nationals in DC (he lost that). He also became a fabulous juggler. I wish I hadn't worried so much about the social aspect because that worked itself out as he grew up. We did encourage his creativity, which built a lot of confidence. Your son may be like mine, in that he is selective about who he is friends with, and instead of having many friends, he finds one best friend. My son didn't "hang out" with friends until high school, when he met a guy he could really relate to. He also went to summer camp for circus arts and found many friends there. You son just may not have found the boys he relates to yet. He's 18 now and is very social with his own circle of friends, and is a circus performer. He is now able to be social around strangers and casual acquaintances like most other people.

At 6 years of age, I think that you are expecting too much in his social skills. Our son was started to school when he was 6 in Nov., and he was emotionally immature, sweet, but shy. He ended up taking the 3rd grade over as he regressed to where he couldn't even add 8+1, at the black board.

With a new school, a new sibbling, that is a lot for a 6 year old to deal with. I would just be there for him, supportive, NOT baby him, but try to LISTEN to him, if he can share how he feels, although he probably doesn't even know how he feels. Love, support, not too much focus on professionals that will highlight his "problem", make him feel "different", jut trust your own instincts as a caring mom, but try to give him his own coping skills---maybe he is just shy, not all kids are social animals, you can't force people to be happy, or to be acceptable to others, but I think with his learning to cope and accept others, then they will be normally attracted to him, even though he may never have boo-coos of friends, he many not need them, just one or two good buddies.

Maybe you could have one or two little boys over after school one eve, leave them alone to work on their own social skills. Too much interference from mom may just heighten his own anxieties and he may grow to feel like he does have a real problem that makes him "different", and he will always have that stumbling block in his emotional make- up.

Just be there to listen, hug and love--some---and let the little boy grow up and develop his own set of coping skills.

P.

I would suggest you use your resources - the educators. If your school's social worker has organized play groups, I would suspect that she is proactive with issues like your son seems to be having. Ask her about the goals of her play groups to see if they would be a good fit for your son. She may also be able to observe him on the playground, at lunch and in the classroom to see if she has any insight on what is preventing him from developing friendships.

My son has Down syndrome, so our IEP team talks through the social issues, and I know the educators in our district are well aware of kids who are lacking in social skills.

Of course, since my son has Down syndrome, he's labeled when he walks in the door, so I don't worry much about that. But, I think being proactive about this situation will label you as a caring and responsible mom who is willing to work with the school. If he is behaving badly at school from time to time, he's going to be labeled by both his teachers and his peers anyway.

I'd also suggest arranging play dates for your son as others have suggested, but I would suggest talking to the teacher for ideas on which children might be best to ask. The teacher would probably know who would be good and not so good - including those who would have the same interests.

Good teachers know a lot more than they're going to just come out and tell you - maybe because they don't want to overstep their role and maybe because some parents handle that kind of information pretty badly. But, if you ask, you may be surprised at how much they know and have observed and how much they are willing to help.

On the other hand, not so great teachers may not be so receptive to your questions. But, you won't know until you ask.

Good luck -

R J,
It sounds as if you have my little guy in your house. Has your son been diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome? It is a social thing more than anything. From one military wife to another, have him tested or just do research yourself online.

Good luck,
D.

I am assuming you have already been in contact with his teacher?? What are his/her suggestions?? A lot of the things that you say about your son are pretty normal...but I applaud you for being right on top of things. I would look for a chance to get involved at school...be a room mother...or whatever they call it now!! ( My "baby" is now 25 years old so it has been awhile!!)Find out if there a couple of little boys that your son would particularly like to get to know and invite them over for a weekend play date. Get him involved in things outside of school where he can meet people in a smaller group...scouts...sports...church activities. Most of all..just relax and enjoy him...and keep praying for him...as you know that is the greatest thing you can do for your children...bathe them in prayer!!!
God bless you...and please tell your husband I said thank you for the sacrifices he makes for our freedom. My husband is retired after 30 years in the Army..it is a wonderful life isnt it?
R. Ann

Your son may have ADD or ADHD. Children with this are often extremely bright, but have social adaptation issues. One of my sons has ADD and had similar issues when he was younger. Now, he takes the correct medication (we had to try several before finding the one that worked) and is successful socially as well as academically. Good Luck! My prayers are with you! Kati

Hi RJ! Here is an idea. My little first grader doesn't know anyone in her class so we are having a Back To School Kick Off Party for the girls in her class. I have invited all the little girls over after school for an ice cream sundea party, and I am hoping that this will help her get to know the kiddos. Maybe if he feels more secure at school with friends the behavior will improve. Just an idea. Hope all goes well.

Have you had him tested for Asperger's Syndrome? He seems to have the symptoms. It is a form of autism that is really mild. Just a thought. Good luck and God Bless.

Hello RJ

Probably, you'll have so many good responses later H., but I want to tell you about my experience. I have a 8 year old kid (he is very tiny and looks like a 6 yo boy) and he does not have many friends, I mean any at all, just a few boys or girls he meets at the park or at the pool, but besides that he has not been able to find a friend who play with in a regular basis. We moved about 10 mo as well.
I am going to enroll my son in sports at school, so he has more opportunities to meet kids there. I think scouting is a good idea too or some activity in the church would be a nice opportunity for him to meet more little people. My kid is also a very smart boy, but his way of being probably does not like most of kids. He loves reading but only non-fiction books (animals, weather, insects, sharks) he likes legos and cars a LOT and playing batman and fighting for the good ones and all that; he loves video games (limited to certain games only and during weekends)) My kid is a little immature for his age, and that's probably what keeps other boys away. He is the kind of boy that gets bored very easily at school, he talks a LOT and he likes to be on the go all the time. I have a sweet toddler who was born 6 years later than my older kid, so it was an impact for him after being the only one for so long. We also moved out of the state, so it has been a great change for him and all of us!
I think you shouldn't be worry too much. What I read in your post is pretty normal, and will pass. Just find the way to make him do something that allows him meet little people. I am trying to do that also to help him more.
Good Luck and the best for your little one!
Alejandra

Could you arrange for an after school/weekend type party and invite all his classmates? Some of the parents would bring the kids, some wouldn't. It could help. Maybe you could do something fun like a bowling party.

I think it's wonderful that you want to help your son. I also agree that making friends is hard and that it doesn't get a lot easier as life goes on.

Suzi

Good Morning RJ,
Have you brought up your concerns with the school counselor? When our son faced a similar issue she was a wealth of information and helped resolve many issues. (That and she'll know/or get to know all the parties involved). God Bless! S.

Hi, R J. I feel for what you are going through and will say a prayer for your family too. We moved right before my son was in first grade, and he had a difficult time adjusting too. It sounds like there is a lot of newness going on in his life right now. He could be just adjusting, but I would highly recommend him seeing the social worker at the school to get her feedback. With my son, he started seeing a psychologist. It really helped him share his feelings, and we also found out his lack of concentration at school resulted from ADHD- inattentive version where he would just zone out. My son has a very difficult time making friends and takes a long time to warm up to situations that involve a group. We got him into cub scouts and that has really helped. He now has some close friends to have over for play dates and that are in his class at school. It is a heartbreaking situation, and I truly know what you are going through. Something I thought that helped out some was to "role play" a situation that is difficult and go through what you would do and what your son would do. My situation has improved because of meds and because my son is getting more comfortable with school and the friends he has. We still have to work on it though. I also had to realize that maybe he won't be a very social kid, so I need to stop trying to make him what I think he needs to be.

If possible I'd probably have one of the kids over for a lego play date, it would be a common activity that might inspire some conversation, it could also eventually be a lego playgroup at your house once a month or share the burden with other moms.
Also don't think your child will be marked by seeing one of the resources your school has, they have time with most of the kids at each school. She might start a play group with the boys in his class to build their skills at making friends. Remember at 6 he's just learning how to cope with other kids, the school year has just begun, give him time!

I would try not to dwell or make it a bigger issue than it may be. Be supportive and understanding if you son brings it up. I know my granddaughter says kids don't always play with her at recess and it breaks my heart! But DON'T let the school counselor or social worker talk to your child. His teacher could, his probably trusts his teacher and has a relationship. My opinion is you bring someone in to talk about a possible problem and then either your son feels like he is in trouble or is not normal or it brings it front and center and he may dwell on it too much. When my son was in 4th grade after he was home sick a day or 2 - he hated going back to school. So the school suggested letting the school counselor talk to him. Well they would ask him if things were okay at home, (he said his big brother picked on him, big surprise) they would say it was his job to go to school, they found out he didn't like to read aloud, so they suggested speech class. Anyways then it became worse to get him to go back to school after being sick as the school thought every time he came back they had to send him to the counselors office! So he would be truly sick for a couple of days and then say he was sick as he didn't, I believe want the unwanted attention of the school when he went back. Does any one this make sense. I think the sports may help, you could assistant coach, bring snacks just be involved. But don't make sports or his performance or making friends with a big deal either, everything is just small parts of life. Good luck, time goes fast and does heal most wounds my "4th grader" is now 20 years old.

P.S. I like Pat's response, mainly be supportive, like me I may vent about things, but don't want or expect other people to jump in and tell me how to solve something. He mainly needs a sounding board if it bothers him, just explain everyone has different interests at different times.

Hi RJ,

I recomend reading : It's so Much Work to be your Friend by Richard Lavoie. It is a great book to help all of you. Your six year old may not have learning difficulties ,but the socail part of the book is great. Cahpters 9, 10 & 11 really helped us. Good luck and my prayers go with you.

As a teacher myself, I would really encourage you to be in contact with the teacher and counselor. I went through a divorce last year and our counselor was wonderful to meet with Abbie or have lunch with her every once in a while to check in and see how things were going. Email is a great way for teachers to communicate because they can get to their computer and type while the kids are in the classroom working rather than have a phone conversation later when the kids are gone. I would just really encourage you to get with them and work together as a team. I am willing to work with students more if I know I have the support of the family at home.

Wow! Sounds like what my oldest went through at about the same age. He was evaluated and diagnosed with ADHD. (He could concentrate on Legos and other time consuming items,too. I would speak with the learning consultant at school. They are very adept at picking up subtle signs for ADHD and other issues. My son was evaluated this way, along with being tested by a psychologist (not psychiatrist-they monitor meds). He did end up needing medication, but what a difference it made! There are other options besides meds, but they did not work for my son. Good luck! And you are in my prayers. It's frustrating helping them, but you are already on the right path with seeking what to do.