Seeking Advice for 14 Year Old Unmotivated Boy

This I know for sure: punishment as a motivation DOES NOT WORK. PERIOD! What does work is rewards for work done. It sounds to me like your son has lost his spirit. Because of the family's history with non-motivation, I would guess that you have done to your children what your parent did to you. Which did not work. Your husband's expectations could have just said to your son, "why bother, I can't please him, it is too much work, so why even try". Rewards rather than "you will be banished to public school" will work, try it.

1 mom found this helpful

This sounds like me - only mine is 17 (today!) I took him out of private school after 8th grade, tired of paying the $$ for tuition and not getting the grades. I put him in a public charter high school. Everyone teacher says he can do the work - he's just lazy! He can pass the class work with A's & B's. He just doesn't do the homework - or does it and won't turn it in, so that brings his grade down. He's an 11th grader- and in danger of getting d's or failing 2 subjects. He already has to make up a 10th grade English class over the summer.

I thought that his driver's license would be important - and I ask for C's or better. Not getting it.

I'll be interested in seeing what others post.

Good luck with your situation - and hang in there!

1 mom found this helpful

Hi D.!
My advice comes from being a mom and a principal...
What we forget first of all is that our teens are going through hormonal changes that change their moods. We have to be sensitive to this while still trying to be parents. When students' grades start to turn for the worst I usually wonder if there are any changes at home. If not then perhaps he really isn't understanding. My advice is to make appointments with the teachers... determine what the problem is- homework? tests? simply not getting it? Then work with the teachers towards some sort of resolve to move the grades in a positive direction. I always remind my teachers that usually all of us do the best we can and certainly no kid goes to school thinking, "Well, lets see how bad I can do today..." He's struggling for one reason or another and he is communicating something to you and his teachers. It might just be, "I don't get it!" As for your husband, he might need to lighten up because he will make things worse. If his abusive methods aren't working then he should try something else. I always remind my parents that only use punishments that have the results that you want and we should never use punishments that just let off our steam. You son might respond in just clamming up and this is not productive. (I often wonder about parents who come in saying, "I've taken TV away for 2 months..." Well, obviously this punishment is not working!) Plus your husband is modeling to your son how to behave so in the future he may grow up to be verbally abusive too. We must always remember to model behaviors that we want our children to inherit. Try to make those appointments with the teachers and be there for him. You don't want him to turn towards the wrong friends- drugs- etc. This is a crucial time in his life and he is communicating to you, "I need help!" Good luck. Y.

1 mom found this helpful

Get your husband into therapy to learn better ways to communicate with your son and to stop being verbally abusive. There is a great book by Patricia Evans, The Verbally Abusive Relationship, that will help you to stop your husband's behavior that is hurtful to your entire family. (www.patriciaevans.com) You, your son, and your whole family dynamic deserves it. :-)
I was the good cop in our family and I'm in the process of divorcing my husband because I don't want that modeling for my son. Good Luck!

1 mom found this helpful

Failing grades and loss of motivation are not entirely uncommon at that age, but they are a cause for concern. You might want to think about having your son talk to a counselor (not a school counselor, but someone who can help him sort through his feelings). I see two possiblilities for this behavior. Your son could be having trouble in school (loss of self-esteem, no friends, feeling awkward, being teased, or dealing with drugs) or he could be dealing with some issues related to your husband's behavior. I would not normally assume that someone's husband was the problem, but when you say he can be emotionally abusive, you must realize that abuse hurts. It hurts our self-esteem, it hurts our growth. Some people respond well to commands, but all people respond well to positive motivation. Rather than threatening your son with something like public school (which might not really matter to him in any case), why not limit his free time, take away his computer or video games, take away his skateboard, something that he cares about. That will do for short term discipline, but as a concerned parent, you need to get at the reasons behind this loss of motivation. No body wakes up one day with a total loss of motivation and starts not caring. It is a gradual process that develops as other problems take hold. This time in your son's life is particularly difficult as he is reaching an age when his peers matter to him greatly and his own self-esteem is suffering blows from a lot of sources. He needs to know that his parents love and support him. There should never be a good cop/bad cop routine with parents. You should be united in your determination to help your son and should BOTH follow the same plan to help him get there. My mother was emotionally abusive during my young years, my father stood up for us and helped as much as possible, but the damage was done. Talk to your husband, maybe he needs counseling too, but his behavior should never be allowed to demean or hurt your son (regardless of his grades).

1 mom found this helpful

I don't know how much advice I can give you but I've had the same experience with my son who is 15 1/2 and a sophomore at a public high school, in the math/science magnet. He was an excellent student in elementary school and probably had one C or D each year in middle school. We have had to take away all the distractions, X-Box, Play Station, computer (only for homework), etc. and are still struggling, even though his stepdad is a teacher at the high school but not in the math/science magnet. I hear the same story from other moms. I try not to stress too much because he is a good kid, does not get into any trouble and is a great big brother to our 17-month old daughter. So he does not go straight into UCLA, like I did, after high school. He'll probably go to Pierce College or even L.A. Valley College. Just wanted you to know that you're not the only one dealing with this.

1 mom found this helpful

Hi, my name is L..
a) It is very normal, because hormons and he is in a diferent level of his life with a lot of changes.
c) With your hosband being very strict, works until certain edge, now I think he need to listen more your son and start treating him like young men, and no as a child.
d) At this edge, they need a lot of room to make mistakes
e) Nutrition is very important, because sodas, refine suggar and junk food alterate the nervous system, hormons unbalance and more
f)Don't put your expectations on him, that is a lot of pressure, and he already has pressure at school, friends and today's day it is ugly what is happening out there. Then, pray to God and believe that God is going to do his job.

1 mom found this helpful

My daughter is 14 (just turned last week) & in 8th grade. K-6, she was perfect in school. It seemed easy for her altogether. Easy honor roll, easy to make reading goals, in all honors classes when starting 7th grade (still is in all honors classes). The problem came w/her 1st 7th grade report card. Ugh. Same stuff. I had to talk with her (get over my anger) and really talk. She was under the impression that being stupid (getting bad grades) was a more popular thing to do & especially being in the honors classes made her look nerdy. She was choosing to not do her classwork or homework yet getting A's on her tests/quizes. Long story short, get to the root of your son's issues. I doubt tutoring will help because it sounds like something else is undermining his learning. Maybe it is a social issue, maybe something else. We wasted a lot of her 7th grade year figuring out (after tutors telling us she didn't need the help). Teens/tweeners think that they are all alone sometimes. They feel that to share their feelings with YOU wouldn't help & would probably only make things worse. Give him an avenue to approach you or maybe a professional counselor even, so you can resolve things & he can get back to what is important in life. HIS EDUCATION!!! Good luck & God Bless!

The transition to high school is a difficult one. Have you asked your son if he is being bullied or harassed by older classmen? The fight to fit in in high school can stress out a teen and affect their grades. I don't think the answer is public school that environment is even more competitive. THis may be an issue of self esteem. Does your son have plans for his future? That will help him to focus and motivate him to do well as he plans for college. Try to encourage him to get involved in school clubs, sports, or other school functions. THis helps them to fit in and feel part of something which increases self esteem.

It sounds like your son is rebelling my advice is to make a time when all three of you can go out to a public place like cold stone creamery (so your husband is out in public he might not be so ruff on him)set a realistic goal of what you expect as a parent and also have your son express what he is expecting out of the both of you. You might be surprised teenagers today have their own ideas of how life should be.Your son might be looking for dads approval especially since you stated he is verbally abusive. I hope this helps you. I have a 19 year old that also did everything your son is doing the only difference was he started messing up in his junior year. Also we have the same type of family i am the balance too. Good news is my son finally got it together when my husband and I realized he had his own thoughts.Today he is a United States Marine.Which by the way was not we had intended for him we had a pre-paid tuition to U.N.R. for four years.So you see as soon as I started listening he changed for the better.Good Luck & God bless you

Hi D.,

I don't have any advice. I was interested in your post because i have the same issue with my son. He has always been a good student and when he was in public school was in the honor classes. We now attend a private school that is part home schooling. He has been a good student at the private school until now. He is 14 and in the 8th grade. We did have something happen in our family that may have something to do with it. During the summer I had a surgery that went wrong and I nearly lost my life. I was in the hospital for a month. Came home and was on drug therapy at home for 3 days before I spiked a fever. Wound up back in the hospital for 6 days before coming home and spent a week at home on IV medication. It was a very rough spot for us as a family. My son took it very hard. I am doing better now and back teaching him, keeping on top of him and still he neglects to turn work in, tries to get out of doing work, won't read the text to do the work correctly, etc. He has become lazy and tells me he is just not interested in school work. It is boring. He is very interested in scouting or playing sports with his friends and loves family time. He is just not motivated when it comes to school work. We have done all the regular stuff, of taking away the goodies. Sometimes that helps and other times it doesn't. So hard to know what to do, but just keep trying to hang in there and keep praying and doing the best we can. Also try to remind myself that he has to make his own choices. That is really hard as we want so many good things for our children. Sometimes they just don't see it the way we do or even want what we want them to have. Hang in there and keep trying.

God bless,
B.

D.,

Get everyone into family counseling. Your son doesn't feel like he has a voice in your family so he is "communicating" with his bad grades. I agree with the depression possibility and help is needed asap before your son gets in the habit of being passive aggressive instead of talking straight forward.

It is the whole family dynamics that needs to be "worked on", not just your son.

Also, my 17 yr old had some problems with "honors" in high school but he didn't want to stop taking those classes. He finally picked it up a bit but he was happier getting a B or C in honors rather than be in the "regular" class and get an A or B.

Hope this helps,

Evelyn

Hi D.,

I think family counseling is a must here. There are a lot of issues going on, including abuse by your husband, possibly drugs. It's not okay to be verbally abusive! If your husband really wants his son to improve, all three (or even four) of you need to go to counseling. Threatening public school isn't going to help. In fact, things may get worse there.

V.

This bit of advice always meets with some controversy, but I'm giving it anyway! :o) PAY HIM. My son is at a developmental age of 14 that he likes to earn his own money for the effort he puts into things. I think it's an essential stage in his life as men are generally the primary bread winners in the home. Right now he's unmotivated in general. Teenage stage. Tack on an amount that a report card grade is worth and he may become motivated. It worked for my son. An example, but use what fits you is A=$10, B=$5, C=$2, D=$0, F=(they owe me $5). Straight A's is $100. Use your own financial budget to determine prices. I never punish for a C as it is an average grade. I simply ask them "Did you do your best?" "Do you think you can pull it up?" In this way it let's them take ownership of their work.

Don't look at this as "bribing" your son to do what he is suppose to do. Look at it as training your son that putting his all into his "job" (school is his job right now) is rewarded by a paycheck at the end of the term. It's a lesson of life. We go to work, we want to get paid. He works all day, he may want the same reward. Good luck!

hello,
sounds like he needs small, focused, hands on coursework. look for a charter school for him with a focus on something he loves.

high schools have just become narcissistic cesspools with so much heavy influence from the media. if you have an old soul, it can feel like a prison.

also, your husband has to stop yelling at him. it is just making it harder for him to find a reason to do anything else than wait for thing to shift externally. the shift required is internal to him, but also to your family.

what did you do, or what happened that made you love learning again? perhaps it was a trip somewhere? or an encounter with an older person who was kind to you? there lots of ways to get him up and going, but classroom style learning is not for every one. and no one likes to be yelled at.

i wish you peace!
-A.

Hi, I raised 4 boys and a car was a motivating items from 14 on up. Remind him that you may not be able to afford auto insurance if he doesn't get good grades. Allstate offered a discount for a B average or better. You tell him that he'll never get his licence if he doesn't get good grades. This is the age that driving is on their mind. You can't see giving him permission to take drivers ed next year if he's not going to get to drive with bad grades.
Hope that helps. Good Luck ~ F.

D.,

My son is also a freshman in highschool this year and he too, brought home D's and 2 F's on his first report card. He has never been an A and B student (like his 13 year old sister)but he has never been this bad. So, we hammered down on him. I was married before to my son and daughter's father for 7 years and we split when my son was 5 and my daughter was 3...I have since remarried, just hit 5 years and he has a lot of respect for his step-father. We took away all things most important to him, like his cell phone and games (he has a DS a PSP and a Playstation 3, we are a gaming family) and he was only allowed to watch tv and play games on the weekends, that way he had something to look forward to. Being at the bottom of the hole, he needed somehthing. So, after a while of this we also had him bring home weekly progress reports. He slowly brought his grades up to A's and B's....so we were happy. He has slowly let them drop again so we have taken his cell phone again and no games for a month, until we see a change in his grades. we are lucky, he is not allowed to date, school is more important at this time, he is not on drugs and he has never smoked or drank alcohol. We are strict and will not allow it in the home, so, he has to comply. He goes to public school and we have told him that if he wants to make good money after high school then he has to get good grades so he can go to the college of his choice. I hated high school and i only graduated by the skin of my neck, my husband loved school and he was a jock, so we have a great balance. You need to explain to him that it matters what his grades are for his future, if he wants to be a cop, private eye, ummm, computers whatever he wants to do with his life, he needs good grades so he can get into the college of his choice. Let him know that when he gets married he will need to support himself and his wife and if/when he has kids. THey can't see that far into the future, it is hard for teenages to do that, that is why they don't care about good grades. You can also tell him that if he is an A and B student, when he gets his drivers license, you will get a better deal on insurance, give him incentives like that, or he won't get his license to drive and he won't work for money for gas....that is what we do. Be consistant, don't give up, he will eventually get it one day like my son did. Good luck!
M.

Hi D.!

I've taught high school for 15 years now, both private and public. Have you considered these points?

1) Is he "overinvolved" outside of school, with anything from athletics to community involvement? Does he have enough time to do his homework?

2) Is he unmotivated in everything, or just school? If it's everything, such as not enjoying his normal, favorite activities, you may be looking at depression or drugs.

3) Is he getting enough sleep and a good, healthy diet? Most teens need much more sleep and better nutrition than they're actually getting.

4) Have you chatted with his teachers? Perhaps they have some insight, such as struggling with reading or not knowing basic math. You'd be surprised how many students can fake their way through this until high school!

5) Can he see the board? Can he hear what's going on clearly? Perhaps hearing and vision tests are needed?

6) Is he involved at school? Students who are more involved (athletics, clubs, student government) tend to be more motivated.

7) Would he rather go to public school because he thinks it will be easier (not always true)?

I'm sure you've tried this, but, it may be worth trying again. Establish the rules: good grades equal priveleges. Bad grades = extra schooling (monitored by you), extra chores and no priveleges. In my family, those priveleges include tv, game boys, video games, computer time, friend time...all the fun things in life. This one is super effective with my two sons, ages 14 and 10.

Concurrent with privelege restrictions, you could try having your son research a possible career for the future. What kind of schooling does it require? Also, have him research how much it takes to live on your own (rent, car insurance, groceries, etc.) and have him figure out if he can live on minimum wage (or how much he needs to make to live a life with which he's happy). Those two lessons alone shock most of my juniors into motivation.

Last but not least, maybe it's time for your husband to step back and let you take over scholastic supervision for a bit. I had a student, brilliant kid, who purposefully graduated with a 1.0 GPA just to irritate his very strict father. Two years of junior college and he was in a top name university. <sigh> What a waste of time that was!

Anyway, I know this was super long and I'm sure you've tried all these things. Hang in there.

Regards,
S. F

PS: "Parenting with Love and Logic" may be a useful book, if you're interested.

Sounds like something else is catching your son's attention. Who are his friends? What do they do in their spare time? There are many, many pressures facing teens today, i.e., mainly drugs, alcohol, etc., on top of doing well in what sounds like a very demanding Honors classes curriculum. Also, your husband's verbal abuse cannot possibly be helping the situation. Maybe your husband can take some parenting skills classes to update his parenting style so that you two are not playing the good cop/bad cop role and instead can be on the same firm, but loving page. If drugs or alcohol are involved, please, please get professional help immediately. The drugs available today are so much more potent than those of years before. Good luck.

I have a 12 going on 13 year old and you have described my own fear of what may happen.
There are a lot of reasons he could be doing poorly and I'll relate my own experience.
I too was all honors and AT (now GT) and when I reached middle school, the work load changed. Some of it I found more difficult, compound that with the fact that I was relentlessly teased (tortured) in middle school. I truly hated school. I hated being there because pretty much every day I was subject to the abuses of the other kids, mainly those in my GT classes. My grades dropped and dropped fast. I also was taking harder classes like Algebra 1 in middle school and I just didn't "get it", math not being my strongest subject anyway but much worse when I got into algebra. After much begging, my mother did move me into regular classes but the teasing continued. My grades got a little better but it really was hard to focus when someone was constantly verbally abusing you.
You really need to get him to talk to you about what is going on in his world right now. Are the honors classes too difficult for him? Is he being made fun of and teased? In middle school, bullying seems to take on a whole new level and it can be quite vicious. Add to that verbal abuse and belittling at home and he may very well be heading down a very dangerous path. If he's sitting on the edge right now as it is, even the littlest thing could push him over.
Another thing that made my grades plummet even more when I got to high school was my "resolve" not to be the kid who was made fun of. My circle of friends grew but I spent less time on my schoolwork. My grades first went up but then I started to cut school all together they really plummetted.
The last possibility is just plain boredom. Are they repeating the same lessons and ideas? Is it something he's already learned? Maybe he's just lost interest in the subjects and he's not being challenged anymore.
I'm more inclined that this is less about motivation and laziness and more about something deeper going on with him.

Take your son out just you and him and spend some time talking to him (not lecturing) about what's going on in his world. You will have to work to get him to open up because even the most open child can shut down when they hit their teens...

I suggest having a conversation with your son not as a mom who is trying to fix the situation but as an interested person and ask what his goals are. What are his interests, hobbies? What gets him excited and motivated? Once you learn what his dreams and aspirations are you'll have a better understanding of him and how to help him. All goals take work and nothing is just going to fall in our laps. He doesn't understand that completely now but his is old enough to understand that without school you have less choices in life. So find out what he wants to be. Then do a little research into that profession and let him see & understand what it will take for him to get to where he wants to be. I have a 12 yr old son and what I did with him was create a "Dream Poster". This is a great activity to really capture what you're children are interested in - I learned so much about my son with this activity. We cut out pictures from magazines, internet, stickers of his favorite skaters and colleges he would like to attend (He wants to be a professional skateboarder or football player) and created this poster to remind him to work hard, be motivated and practice. It really did wonders for him. He is so proud of his poster and shows it to his friends.
I hope this helps!

When my son, who will graduate with a Master's Degree in education this month (3.9 GPA) was that age, we started talking about his desire to drive. The motivation became "Good Student Discount" for insurance cost for his permit and then license. It worked!

In college he completely turned himself around and had a 4.0 until one very difficult Master's level Bible course.

With your son, was there a specific time in 8th grade that "something" happened? Is he craving attention and even though it is negative, this is the way he is getting it? Did music/game interests change? Sleep and nutrition/supplements for a changing/maturing young man is very important also.

What are the interests that motivate? Can you and your husband be involved with him? BLESS HIM WITH YOUR WORDS!!!

I have a 14 year boy that wants to sleep all day. He has lacked motivation since he was a little boy. It became so bad when he was about 8, I took him to therapy. He is very bright but has never worked to his potential although he gets passing grades. I have a friend who is the same situation you are in where her son is getting bad grades and he is genuis level bright. Anyhow, therapy might be the best bet. It is actually where I would be if my son continued to lack serious motivation and get bad grades. My girlfriend started family therapy several months ago and it is helping.

Hi! D.,

Children mature at different rates. Some are not ready for high school at this age and do better in a junor high, unfortunatily there aren't very many of them around. Our son had a really hard time all thru middle school and high school. I am very sorry that I did not pull him out of our regular high school and put him in continuation school for the last two years. He would have finished in about a year and have been 17+ when he finished. After high which he did graduate from, he moved out of state and worked two jobs while living with his sister. He moved back home with the idea of going to school and after other year and a half, finally started community college. He worked his way thru school and at about 27 he finally graduated.

I would watch him very closely and probably seek professional help. Our son had our Bishop at church to talk to. That helped because it wasn't us. 14 and 15 are the hardest ages.

Good luck!

Sincerely,
S. Stokes

Ditto Amanda B!!!!!
Another point I want to make is that you know he can do the work, so the one post that said "maybe it's not his strong point" is so off base. If he has received good grades in all years past, AND is in honor classes he is perfectly capable of the work. You don't end up in honor classes by mistake! I think you need to step it up at home, monitoring his homework/studying. Maybe you have had it easy in that aspect, since he has been a good self motivated student up until now. Make him bring progress reports home, put him on some sort of academic contract. Every school should have something like this in place for parents to monitor school work etc. (I'm a former teacher). Ask them to help you.

That's a tough one! I had the same issue, and what helped was when my son got involved in clubs at school. Then he found some subjects that got his brain engaged. It's a gradual thing, though - after some time I noticed that he seemed to be more contented than he used to be.

I saw the Bacon Brothers on TV yesterday and they were talking about growing up...they said that their parents always encouraged them to do what they wanted to do. This meant never discouraging them too. The older one consistently brought home D's and F's. The parents said "Oh, well, it's not his strong point..." and they encouraged him to keep working on his talents, which included music. He says because of this he never had a "fall back job to make money" it kept him motivated to succeed at making music. My daughter is in the same boat as your son. I am going to try to follow this advice too. The world does not revolve around doing well in school..there are many other avenues to success and happiness...(and your son is probably unmotivated because of his father anyway. )

D.,

My heart goes out to you. I too have a son who is 9yrs old and get frustrated with his lack of motivation. He is also on A Honor Roll and goes to a private school. I too have threatened to send him to public school. Because he knows first hand what public school vs private school is like. It seems to work for a little while but is soon forgotten. I know that it's not right for me to threaten but I get so frustrated. So I hear you. I actually started taking FREE Parenting Classes through Clark County. I can't tell you how much they have helped. They give me strength and awareness. They are once a week for six weeks at various locations. They have two classes for teens. ParenTeen Solutions and ParenTeen Connections. Their website is http://www.accessclarkcounty.com/depts/family_services/Pa.... To register call ###-###-####. I also have some really great CD's and you can order them on www.loveandlogic.com. Good Luck!

Hello,

I have the same problem with my son and he just turn 14
i have been talking with several parents and they all say same thing..we have try pretty much everything with him
and its like it goes in one ear and out the other
my boyfriend is pretty rough on him also i think, but seems
to be helping when we take away things.
I wish you the best of luck

Your concern is well warranted, and I highly suggest that you do everything in your power to try and get to the bottom of the changes in your son's behaviour, and please do not be afraid to rule out any cause and get what every help is necessary, please don't rule out the possibility of drug use, ask him to submit to a drug test. My ex-husband was a wonderful father in many ways, but he too was strict and had such high expectations for my boys that they could never measure up, he thought he made up for it by providing the "best of everything" for them to succeed, but it was their father that was never quite pleased with the outcome, whether it was their schoolwork, work around the house, sports, whatever, it could always have been done better... or translated it could have been done the way he would have done it. I played good cop too, but in retrospect realize that was not the role I should have played, I should have put an end to the emotional abuse that was taking place, unfortunately, I was on the receiving end of most of the abuse, because what I thought was being "good cop" was mostly me taking the lion's share of the heat, and what I thought was protecting my kids was actually me spending my time and energy doing things that could have been spent on activities that could have made a bigger difference in my childrens lives. Please get counseling, start with yourself and find the strength to do the things that will help not only your child, but yourself. DO NOT LIVE WITH ABUSE on any level.

When a child drastically changes behavior, there is something going on that is not apparent. Verbal abuse should never be allowed. It is one step from physical abuse. Have you checked his email and computer records to see if he is accessing stuff that might not be good for him. Have you had a drug screen run? Has he made any statements about being unhappy or thoughts of doing harm to himself or others? Have you talked to his school councilor? Any bruises or marks on him not easily explained? Is he being bullied at school? Has he changed friends? Red eyes? Drowsiness? Does he need to shave now? It could be that the hormones are kicking in right now and his body is changing. Start with a complete physical checkup and then a psychological checkup. If medical cause are ruled out, then perhaps a long talk is in order? Before you go to public schools, how are the local schools? Have you checked them out? You might exchange one problem for another. Have you considered home schooling? Military school? Have you discussed with your son what his long term goals are? Some teenagers cannot see beyond next weekend. Maybe joining a sports team would burn off some energy? Talk to him about career goals and see if he wants to go to college. Both of my boys finally realized that they wanted to go only after two years of high school and both are now in junior college making up for the mess they did in high school. I think boys are slower to mature than girls. When grades drastically change something is going on. Good luck!

I'm with S H here. I think the problem is the way his father (your husband) is (has been) treating him. I speak from experience. My mom was widowed when I was 4. She never remarried. She doted on my younger sister (my sister wanted to please her, so the more praise she got, the better she did, so the cycle continued) but with me, all I got were insults, "what are you stupid? What's wrong with you????" A) it hurt my self-esteem badly and B) by the time I was in middle school - high school, I shut down. I basically crossed my arms and refused to do more work. What's the point? I did become depressed. It didn't have to be that way. She made it that way.

There is a book called HOW TO TALK TO KIDS SO KIDS WILL LISTEN AND LISTEN SO KIDS WILL TALK and it shows what the effects of (in cartoon form) speaking "down" to children have on them and then it shows the right way. It has helped my husband (not as bad as yours, but definitely needed improvement) change his tune a bit.

All children want a connection with their parents. The parents are their North Star. Unfortunately, your husband is making sure that his son can't depend on him for anything. That's a dangerous scenario.
http://www.awareparenting.com/articles.htm

The book HOLD ON TO YOUR KIDS is about "peer orientation," when the bonds between parents and children are broken, or not strengthened, kids look to their peers for everything. THAT is a bad because it's like the blind leading the blind.
http://www.gordonneufeld.com/book.php

Your husband needs counseling. Stop with the threats. Try connecting with him more. He's in pain and the "strike" is his way of fighting back. Ask him how he is feeling.... ask him how he is feeling when his dad speaks to him harshly.... hopefully he will at least open up to you.

Dear D.; Unfortunately, there is no easy answer for motivating our children.

I have a son who is 15, first year of high school and also has a touch of ADD. He never understood why good grades were important until he discovered football. Now understand my son is not aggressive or competitive. He has played baseball for most of his life but for the social aspect of playing with friends, not because he loved the game. But during 8th grade he, he said he seriously wanted to go out for high school football and we agreed. I thought once he really gets hit and sees how physical it is, he would be out of there!!!!

But he surprised us all and loves it! It is his passion and hence he now wants to get good grades to ensure his place on the team. But don't get me wrong we still struggle all the time with giving 100% to homework and to studying for tests!

My concern or red flag was the fact your son is in Honors, sometimes that can put so much pressure on a child. It is more important to make them feel successful than at a constant level of being challenged, all the time. I say definetly stay in the private school, taking him out of a familiar environment and away from friends only leads to disaster. It would give him to much opportunity to become associcated with the wrong crowd. I would lessen his load to only college prep and let him get back to A's & B's and really enjoy high school and let him breathe.

There are so many changes and different aspects to high school, he may just not be able to keep up the pace with an honors programs. it is very different that junior high work load wise!

It is so easy for a child to believe he won't amount to anything especially if he isn't living up to our expectations. I mean why try if I am only going to fail and everyone will be disappointed with me.

The other red flag is the fact that your daughter didn't graduate. Was she in all Honors too was she being pushed too hard?

What about a sport or after school activities and how about him talking to a counselor or therapist. Kids will open up to strangers sometimes much more than to their parents.

How about this: He and your husband go away for a weekend and it is your son's choice of where they go and what they do! I bet in that environment he will open up to dad more than usual. Tell Dad don't give advice or explain what he wants for your son (I guarantee he has heard it enough). Just go and listen and observe. It may make a world of difference.

Good Luck!

My first advice is to quit the good cop bad cop routine now! You and your husband need to nurture and raise your children together. Let his dad be a great example to him. Be sure he has no physical problems first - an exam with your family doctor could be helpful! Then - you should both stand firm when he doesn't deliver, but with love and guidance. Talk to his counselor at school and his teachers. Sounds like he may have gotten into a group of unmotivated students. Give him boundaries and when he doesn't follow through, he needs consequences! No friends over during the week, no going anywhere during the week, a weekend away from friends, no tv, no ipod, the list is endless, but make sure he understands the consequences beforehand! Good luck and don't give up on him - he needs to graduate to feel good about himself in his future.

Dear D.,
I is frustrating to see a previously motivated child fall away from good habits. I don't see if the private school is a new thing, or he has always gone there.... some suggestions:
1. You should have a meeting with all of his teachers and see what they see. Teachers should be on a weekly communicative basis with you.
2. Sudden changes in behavior are first indicdators of drug use or engaging in risky behaviors. Kids do not have to look like they are druggies to be one. Do you have prescription meds in your house? Is anyone in your home on a monthly prescription. All prescription drugs should be under lock and key, all cold medicines and pain killers otc should be under lock and key. Period. I've seen too many kids get addicted to mom's migraine meds. They crush them, huff them and free base them. Even computer canned air can be a drug if turned upside down and huffed, it can also kill in a few seconds. If you are concerned, take him for a blood test.
3. Is there a case of bullying going on?
4. Are you and your husband having difficulties? worried about things? change in jobs, income? that all upsets kids as they go into high school. They don't understand mom and dad quarreling over finances doesn't necessarily mean they are getting a divorce. Kids are egocentric, and all problems are their fault.
5. Read about depression in teens, if he doesn't get enough sunlight, fresh air, seretonin in his system, he can fall victim to this type of condition. What does he eat? Nutrition is the single most important factor in maintaining our body systems, and is the best preventative medicine we have. Unfortunately, we do not get the phytosterols, the nutrients we need to make glyconutrients, the saccharides that feed our body's Immune System and foster cell to cell communication. www.glyco.com/911Health and request information on glyconutrients.
6. This is a problem that a child needs guidance with, they aren't going to fix it by themselves, and you need to be proactive. There needs to be two engaged parents, not good cop bad cop. Perhaps you have been too lenient, and your son perceives somehow that your husband's expectations are too high for him, it is hard to say with just this short piece; but as an educator for 20 years who has dealt with thousands of students/parent/school dynamics, I urge you to make the steps needed to figure out what is going on, by process of elimination, until you come across what is troubling your son, and why he can not succeed in school any longer, or why he won't succeed in school.
God bless, and if you would like some additional resources, please send me a private message.
C.

Maybe he wants to go to public school, have you asked him?
My children lost 1/2 hour from their curfew time for every C they brought home for their 6 week report card. Also it was a mandatory counseling appointment with the child and his teachers. They had 6 weeks to bring the grade up, if the C came back in the semester report card then they lost one hour. This worked quite well especially as they got older and wanted more time to go out with their friends.

Dont let your husband abuse him ANYMORE.
That may be the very route of the problem. He NEEDS his father. He probably feels he's never good enough so why bother?
Self esteem my dear...you know...I'm sure you do.

Wendy

Coming from a loving place here I've got to tell you that your home sounds majorly disfunctional. For sure you need to go for family therapy. Hopefully you and your husband will come to a meeting of the minds as to how to discipline your crew - not only does the good cop/bad cop not work, it's really destructive. Being abusive in any form, verbal or physical will not solve any problems, only create new ones. No wonder he's sinking, it's the perfect way to get dad freaked out.

I've got teenagers as well, and I know we can agree that they can often be way off base when looking for attention. It sounds to me like something happened that's put your son around the bend, and it seems that he does not way to share it with you. He needs professional help as well. He sounds like a bright boy, it would be a pity for him to wash out when intervention might make his life much more pleasant.

Hi D.~
I had a similar experience with my son years ago.
He stopped getting good grades because he didn't want to be the "smart boy" or "school boy"...
It took a lot of prodding to get him to admit it. He finally told one of his teachers and we had a meeting about it.
He wanted to be "cool".
How sad! Kids are so mean to one another! They just want to fit in and usually the under acheivers are the ones making fun of the kids who have potential!
Adolescense is hard enough to go through without all the jockeying for status and/or popularity.
Girls get wrapped up in their appearance (usually, not always.
their social group defines them as well, and also their "style".
I hope it is something as simple as this was for my son. We encouraged him to keep his grades up and explained the kids who are not applying themselves to do their best, even if their best is a "C", want attention taken off them so they make fun of those that apply themselves.. Be very careful not to put down the other kids, they are struggling too and may just be immature (most likely), not criminals. Some of those kids will go to college and do well, they just haven't figured it all out yet.
Good luck with the encouragement!
Meet with his teachers with out him and don't tell him so he isn't worrying about it.
Come up with a game plan with the teachers so you can work with him. Find something he really wants to do...NOT buying him some thing...somewhere he can go with you parents as a reward or offer him $$$ for B's and better with a bonus for honor roll! Find what motivates him. There has to be something!
If this does not work after talking to the teachers and planning the reward, then I would look in to counseling for depression. He could be worried about something.
C.

Um, your husband is "verbally abusive" when your boy does not meet HIS expectations? Don't you think there is a "problem" with this?

Boys need a male role model... your boy needs your Husband to be a "Dad" not verbal abuse. It seems, your boy can NEVER meet your husband's expectations... or he gets a tongue lashing. This just sets your son up for REPEATED failures. That is NOT what children need. Children need NURTURING....from BOTH parents. It is NOT wise to set one parent up as a "good cop" and the other as a "bad cop." That teaches children not to TRUST their parents. It teaches children that they can't "bond" with their Parent. Is this what you want???

Think: do you want to be a "hammer" for your child...or a pair of wings for them to soar? Tell that to your husband too.

What kind of parenting makes more sense?

When a child is in the teens... life changes, they change, they are on the cusp of maturing in many ways. It is a fork in the road.... their "unmotivated" behavior is probably just the end result of their unhappiness. This "unmotivated" behavior is just a symptom of something else. There is a lack of joy in him.

Your son is obviously UNHAPPY with something. It is not always the child's fault...they need cooperative help from the whole family. Where is your husband in all of this? It seems there is a pattern here... you lost your motivation once, your daughter did, and now your son.

Threatening him with public school is not going to "cure" him. You need to get to the root of the problem...not just put external punishments on the poor boy.

Has anyone really taken the time to "hear" what he has to say...to understand him, to show affection, to show a genuine interest in him besides just judging him by his grades? Instead of just expecting him to "perform" ????

Or does he have peer problems? Has his teachers said anything?

Perhaps he needs counseling... someplace he can "vent" and feel safe to be himself. Kids this age need a focus...they need a parent who can be there for them and encourage them, and no matter what not be judgmental.

Sorry to be so blunt. But, I really cannot fathom why your husband can be this way to his child...much less, then expect your son to perform perfectly. No child can be "perfect" all the time. They need room to make mistakes too. They need to know this, so that they feel free to approach their parent(s) about anything they need help with.

I hope the best for your son... he may need extra attention and nurturing, and maybe a counselor. Address it with his teachers too. take care,
~Susan
www.cafepress.com/littlegoogoo

Hi D.! Motivating teenage boys is rarely easy, but essential. I teach at a private high school, so it is something that I see everyday.

Nothing is full-proof, but here are some ideas to try.

1. Be sure that he knows your threat is real ... I had a parent threaten her son every year with public school, but he knew it would never happen and he only made temporary changes to his grades ... always ending up back in the same place.

2. Have a place where he can do his homework in a family area ... not on a computer in his bedroom. That way you can see that he is working, rather than playing. I know it sounds childish, but you should ask everyday what his work is in each class and to see it. If he tells you "none" know that it is probably untrue, as we tend to give homework 3-4 days a week.

3. Most importantly, be consistent. He has to know that yes, you love him dearly, but you want what is best for him and that is education. Find some things he enjoys and let that serve as motivation for him ... get can do them when he earns certain grades or brings up a certain grade.

I hope you have spoken to his teachers ... they often cannot chase down every student with missing work who is falling behind because they have 130+ students, however, they can help if you are in contact with them. Teamwork is the most effective way to go.

I hope this doesn't sound too lecture like, but as a parent and a teacher, these are things I tell my parents and will do with my daughter when she is in school.

I do hope this helps. Don't forget though ... he has to want this too. He has to find a way to find personal satisfaction in his work.

Hi D.,
As I was reading this I could not help but feel your son is challenge with depression. Early teenage years can be very difficult, not to mention add personal problems within the family as you have mentioned with your husband. Counseling can be very effective, as also a good checkup with his doctor.
Blessings,
A.

I hope I'm not repeating too much of what others have said. Your son sounds a lot like how I was at that age. Is your son a perfectionist? If so, he could have been struggling in one class, and because of that got down on himself and let the other courses slip too. If that's the case, try to help him to understand that no one is good at everything, and he should focus on his strengths even when he has to work harder just to get a passing grade in something that is hard for him (for me it was math).

He could also be bored. Boredom can come from not being challenged, but also from not feeling any connection to the subjects at hand. If he's having trouble with history, take him to a history museum or buy him some books on interesting subjects from the period he's studying. If the trouble is in math, see if you can encourage him to see how math applies to life outside the classroom (get him to help you balance your checkbook, measure for a recipe, figure out the interest on a loan, calculate the amount of paint needed to paint his room). I think some kids need to see "real world" applications of what they're learning. Otherwise they think, "What's the point?" He could be the type who questions things, and people like often are not challenged enough by a school environment. Find creative ways to get him engaged in the subjects he's learning aside from just doing the homework. If he's interested, he just may find that motivation.

And take heart: I barely passed with high enough grades my senior year to graduate. But I was on the dean's list at city college the first two semesters I was there, and went on to get a degree in English literature at a four-year school. The important thing for you is to keep your son busy with things he finds interesting and try to show him there's life after high school. Help him to find the things that are interesting to him that he can develop a lifelong love for. Be prepared to spring for some music lessons or something else to keep him busy, but not too busy to distract him more from his school work. A hobby can cut the tedium of school. Finally, don't assume that he's not smart or will never make anything out of his life. He just needs to find what drives him. Good luck!

I would suggest talking to him. The waters change in high school, and he may be feeling overwhelmed, and out of sorts. It may be home/family related, but kids change at this time, and perhaps his social circle is changing, which is throwing him a curve ball. I also would talk to your husband, because, as your son changes, you & your husband's approach may need to change as well.

I would pull him out of the honors classes. We did that with my high school age daughter and it seemed to help. Also, try to find clubs or things which interest him (band, sports) and encourage his interests. Many times the sports teams or band, etc., require certain grades to join and continue in, so that way, he would pull up his grades. Keep the lines of communication open with him. Ask him what he imagines his future to be like, and let him know that it is more difficult to have a promising future without high school or college completion. Also, be mindful of the friends he has; they could be encouraging him to try substances, etc. which could effect his motivation for school. Whatever your choice in the situation is, I wish you all the best. Good Luck.

Hi D.. Wow, I could have been reading about my own 15 year old son when he started high school. High School is a big change for our children. So many things are happening at once. Hormones are raging, they want to break away from mom and dad, be more independent, then add girls into the equation..... you get the picture. I had to go back to micro-managing and treating both my boys like they were 5. I bought a program called 5 simple steps to an A, which is basically Sylvan but only $300 compared to $3000.00! It really seems to be working. Once I started spening more time with my sons, their grades went up. They are now back to A's and B's with one D in Spanish. He just may want more of your time. I make it a point every night to sit with my sons and review their homework and have them take 5 - 10 minutes for each subject they had that day to review. Threatening them didn't work, stripping them of their electronics didnt work, grounding them didn't work etc. The only thing that worked was me spening time with them. It has paid off.
I hope this helps. When I get home, I'll get the information on the simple steps to an A for you.
Good luck!
M.

Several factors could be in play. One is his rebellion against his father if he believes that he is never be good enough for him. Another, which came as a surprise to me from my kids reasoning (now 16 & 18) was they didn't want to be considered "nerds". So there is that peer pressure play. Another could be the friends he's hanging out with. I believe you need to have a little heart to heart with him and then you and your husband and your son come to some sort of an agreement and/or compromise. good luck.

I am an Licensed Clinical Social Worker and I think your concern about your son is a good thing and I think you need to act now. I would strongly suggest getting a better understanding of what is going on with your son. His grades are just a symptom. I would be concerned about depression and/or possible drug or alcohol abuse based on the drastic change in his academic functioning. I would seek help from a therapist asap so that it does not get worse or more out of control. Maybe a school counselor could start seeing him.
Please feel free to write me if you have any more questions or concerns.

My oldest of five is a 14 year old boy. He has been in G.A.T.E.(Gifted classes) since 3rd grade and this is his first year in high school. His first semester grades were puzzleling (4 As and 3 Fs), it doesn't help that he has 7 classes. I went to the school and spoke to the Principle, his councelor, and his teachers and found out that he's not alone and that many of the kids in his grade are struggling with similar situations. Because of this known potential I was very concerned and came down on him very hard. He's into music (drumline-band) and took him out of everything until his grades came up. The school offered a program for all the parents with children who are in the same situation called "Crecer" or "Growing", I have to tell you that this works miracles, as parents we often don't see the difference in the situations our kids have to encounter, the sessions I attended brought up the fears and pressures our kids face everyday and although we went through high-school alot has changed and things are tougher on them. Perhaps this is something you might want to look into or even address your concerns with his high school councelor or family councelor. Many of these services can be found through your community and many are for a minimal cost or free. Although being hard on our kids seems to be our first impulse, I can tell you from my experience it only seems to distance our kids from us more and they shut down on anything they should be sharing or want to share with us. I am so glad I was able to figure this out and learn from these classes (that just so you know, only point out the obvious, our kids need our patience, less criticism and more understanding, less finger pointing and more asking), our relationship with our son has improved, and so have his grades, he shares his concerns and dislikes,and we learn to bite our tongue even when we disagree. This report card (3 As, 2 Bs, 1C, 1D). I wish you the best and hope that you can get the help you and your teenager need, don't get discouraged and I hope you and your husband can form a good partnership where you are both good cops (bad cops are seen with bad eyes).

Sounds like he may not like the school or maybe there is something else bothering him. His grades are pretty much the only thing that he has control over and if he is now dropping out mentally then there is something else going on. Have you tried talking to him? I mean really talking to him and not just telling him what he HAS to do?

This is a tough age, and I'm not looking forward to my own kids reaching it! There's a lot you can do, but first have you tried talking to him? I mean, I know how closed off teens can be (I was a high school teacher for about three seconds and have two younger sisters who just exited that horrible stage), but if you openly and non-threateningly ask them they will sometimes open up. Partly I think that there is too much pressure put onto teens to do everything and do it well and to decide what they want to do when they grow up. That may be the point you want to start with. Ask your son what he wants to do. Be open and don't threaten or attack, but if he is luke warm you may want to be like "do you want to work at McDonalds? Because you can't do much more without graduating high school." Maybe the honors classes are too much for him. Or maybe he's just not interested in them. Unfortunately, you can threaten all you want, but if he's not intrinsicly motivated and interested you're not going to get much in the way of results. I know, I was an unmotivated high school student, too. It's hard at that age to realize that what you do affects the rest of your life, to a degree. I would talk to him and tell him to make a choice about how he wants to approach his future- not a career choice, just if he wants to squeek by in high school (or worse, drop out!) and at the most go to a tech or community college or if he wants to do something else. If he has goals in mind it might help. And talk to him about your own experience- tell him how you regret not taking high school seriously, and how important you think education is. Often kids of high school dropouts will tell themselves "why should I graduate, my mom didn't and she's doing okay." Maybe if you tell him how much you struggled it will help him.

Hi D.: Looks as though you have recieved some good responses. I tend to lean towards the S H, advice. I believe, that alot of your sons problems stem from his relationship,or a lack of..with his father.Your hubby needs to think about his actions,and calm down a little bit, or he will sever what little communication he has with your son.The reason, I decided to respond,was your story sounded a bit familar. My Grandson attended a private school,up until jr. high.He was a straight A student.His grades dramatically dropped, and his dad and mom theatened to send him to public school.He said, "How much longer do I have to keep up the D's and F's before I go? : ) What had happened, was all the neighbor boys,that he had made friends with, and hung out with, were all going to the public school, and he felt left out.They were all good friends on the weekends, but during the week,they rarely saw each other.He could see that the other boys had closer ties, because they attended classes together,etc.Maybe, thats exactly what your son wants.To be forced to go to (Public school) He's also smart enough to know, that he would find public school a "wiz" easier academically for him, taking off some of the pressures he is feeling right now.Just a thought D.. Maybe you and your hubby could sit him down, and ask him about his feelings on public school.The very best to you all.

Is there slippage in other areas besides school? I am wondering if there are some depression issues that are at work here. Especially since you said your daughter and yourself experienced this. Loss of motivation of something that at one time someone was very motivated in can be a sign of depression. That may be something you want to have looked into. Check with his school and see if they have a school psychologist who can assess him.