Seeking Advice About Discipline

I'm a little dismayed to see all of the 'pinch her back!' suggestions. We're talking about a 9-month old here. Babies do not process pain the same way older children do. At that age, there are a couple of things you can do that she WILL understand.

When she pinches, take hold of her hand that she is pinching you with between your thumb and forefinger, and squeeze it just hard enough to get her attention. You want her to stop and look at you. While holding her hand firmly, make an exaggerated frown and say "No Pinching! Ow!" then take the same hand and show her to gently stroke the area she was pinching, saying "soft... love mommy" or "gentle" while smiling at her. They are such sponges at this age and it's important to model the behavior to them you want them to have.

Be sure to squeeze the hand that is doing the pinching so she can associate the mild discomfort with what she is actually doing. If she goes right back to pinching (which she probably will the first few times), you can do this again a few times and if she just keeps it up, do put her down with a final "No, no pinching, we don't pinch" (or something similar) and turn your back on her. Allow her to cry for a little while if she wants to, then go back, pick her up and reinforce the correct behavior by using her hand to stroke you gently, saying "love mommy, soft" or something similar. This problem won't be solved overnight, but it's good to address it now.

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Softly pinch her back and let her know that she is hurting mommy and see if this works. Good luck

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At this young an age, it's not about discipline. It's about REDIRECTION and REPETITION. She may understand what the pop to her hand is for at the time, but she's not mature enough to remember it, to make sense of it, so that she can learn from it and remember not to pinch in the future. You still want to address her behavior but just don't expect it to stop. After months, and I mean months, of doing the repeatition part ("hands are for hugging and playing, not hitting", "gentle touches only", etc.) one day they just start to get it. But they have to reach that maturity level first and that won't happen for a while. What worked really good for us was to take his little hands and rub them very softly against our face and say "gentle". This teaches what gentle actually means. As he got older, we expanded to "gentle touches". Now that he's over two, we can actually tell him "pinching means time out!" and he gets it.
Redirection is when you put her down, and get her attention on something else. She's not pinching you to be a brat, it's how she explores her world and your world and both of your emotions. It's an excellent opportunity to SHOW her what you expect of her. Say "Ouch, mommy hurt" (or something like that and take her hand and show her gentle, put her down, and give her a toy.
Here's a link to a question from another mom on here who has questions about discipline. Even though her child was older than yours, you may still be able to use some of the advice she got.
http://www.mamasource.com/request/15975027431807385601

Dr. Sears is the bomb! You gotta check out this link to his article on discipline.
http://askdrsears.com/html/6/T060100.asp
There's about a whole day's worth of reading in this one link, but there's some good stuff here!

EDITED TO ADD:
I just read some of the other moms responses and feel the need point out that out of all the mommy boards I've ever visited, Mamasource has the "harshest loving" moms. You've gotta do what you feel is right, A., with your own baby girl, but I can tell you that most of the moms I know (either online or in real life) do no bite or hit or pinch their kids back as a way of discipline. Teaching a baby/child to not cause pain by actually causing them pain boggles my mind. And come on people, A. has a 9.5 month old here! We're not talking about a toddler. Geesh!

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Your daughter is trying to communicate with you in the only way she knows how at her age. I found with my four children when they were little that when they acted out it was because I wasn't listening to their signals and their little ways of communicating. If she is upset and tired it is time to put her to bed. The time to put her to bed is BEFORE she starts pinching you.

Developmentaly she is not advanced enough to connect her pinch of you with you pinching her. She does not have the congitive skills to make that connection yet. If you pinch her back all that her little mind knows is that her mommy hurt her. She doesn't have empathy yet--developmentally it is way too young. So she cannot make that connection that she hurt you and you hurt her back. You are the adult. She is the child. Adults do not hurt children. You never want to give your child the message that mommy is going to hurt her. Child need the security of knowing that their parents are going to love them and take care of them, not hurt them back.

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A.~

My sister gave me this book called 'To Train Up A Child' by Michael and Debbie Pearl. To be honest, I got it a little bit late in my childrens life to be able to start so young, but my sister raised her kids using this book as a guideline, and they are the most well behaved, loving and sweet children I have ever met. She has to say no, one time and they immediatly listen and stop whatever she told them to stop. Its amazing. I am actually jealous because my kids think two or three times is good before they listen. Lucky me. Its worth reading, and you can get it at the library. Good luck and I wish you peace, you just have to let her know, gently that you love her, but pinching is not acceptable.

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I agree on pinching her back...not hard or anything, just to let her know it isn't pleasant. She will probably cry, and it make take a couple of times for the lesson to sink in. My son was like this, except it was pulling hair. He thought it was hilarious to see my painful reaction when got his kung-fu grip on a wad of my hair. After giving his a good yank, he didn't think it was so funny anymore and thought twice next time we wanted to take out a chunk of my hair.

YOu are doing everything right mom! When she hurts you, yell really loud, That hurts!" and put her down where she can see you but not get to you. Give her a minute then pick her up and say pinching hurts sweetie, we are suppose to touch nicely! BE CONSITANT-no matter where you are (I had to do this in walmart once when my son was 9 months for biting-should have seen the looks-but it worked!Good luck!

Pinch her back..not enough to really hurt or leave a bruise but hard enough for her to feel it and know that it hurts.Basically tell her no pinching,stop pinching and then pinch her back if she doesnt listen.Get this under control now before she starts to bite or throw things..good luck..
S. B

I would imagine that at that age it isn't a deliberate thing, but more of a repetitive action. I think all you can really do is continue to say no no and tap her hand (not slap) to help her to stop doing it. She'll outgrow it eventually.

There is a word that all parents should know and understand: egocentrism. Children this young do not understand that others even feel pain. She is not doing it to hurt you, she is taking out her frustration in a natural way. Just like if you were writing something, go frustrated, and crumpled up the paper. You're not out to "hurt" the paper, you are just venting your frustration on the object that is frustrating you.

The pinch her back method is NOT something I would suggest. All that you would be teaching her then is that yes, pinching IS the way to vent your frustration. Right now you are not trying to teach her morals, you are setting the stage to teach her morals. Small children do not understand right from wrong, they understand allowed and not allowed. The why comes later. So, now is the time you just have to be consistent, she will not understand right away. Don't s lap her hand a way a couple of times before getting on to her, as soon as she does it take her hand in yours and have her look at you, tell her, "No. We don't pinch. Ow!" and then let go. If she does it again you do the same thing, and this time set her down. She will get it, it just takes time and consistency. Also know that this is a phase. You are not going to win all the time when children are in phases, but if you establish this form of reprimanding now, then when she is out of the phase she will understand that it's not an acceptable thing to do.

Good luck!

Hi A.,

I agree with Melissa. My nephew used to do this too, but it was a comfort measure for him, and he was a little older than your daughter. He was the first grandchild, and my Mother-in-Law allowed him to do it to her. I said something to her and she let me know in no uncertain terms that he needed to do this and it wasn't my place to be concerned about it. Well, it didn't take her long to get a mass of bruises on the inside of her arm the size of a grapefruit! That's when she changed her tune. So I would nip it in the bud now before she gets older and it becomes a habit, and a harder pinch!

D.

what you are doing is exactly right...you just need to be consistant. it'll take a little bit, but she'll get the picture eventually. my daughter did the same thing...if she was tired/ cranky, or frustrated, didn't get her way, she'd pich or bit whoever was the closest to her. so mom's will think i'm awful for doing this, but it got to the point that time outs and hand swatting wasn't working, so i began to do it back to her. if she bit, i'd bite her back on the top of her finger or if she pinched i'd pinch the tip of her finger...just enought for it to sting, but not really hurt or leave a mark. i'd say "see that hurts, that's why we don't bite/pinch." then i'd but her in time out for a little bit...usually about a minute and then we'd hug and i'd make her say sorry. it only took a couple times of doing that to break her from it.

So sorry to hear about your pinching girl. I remember being pinched quite a bit myself. Try showing her the behavior you want to see from her whenever she does this. Take her hand and show her how to caress another person's arm and then make a big deal about how nice that is. Try it on her arm. For this and a lot of other issues, it seems to help more when the acceptable behavior is modeled for them so they know what they can do.

She is a baby - short and simple. If you slap or pinch her all she knows is that Mommy hurts her - not a great way to start out a lifetime relationship. Plus you teach her to inflict pain and be violent when she is not happy - because that's what Mommy does. Just hold her hand and redirect her attention. She will stop when she finds another form of communicating. Discipline at this age is simply hogwash. Love, patience and redirection. There is plenty of time for discipline when she's a toddler.

hi A.. i have a 3yo dd and a 5yo ds. redirection seems to work best. simply say, we do not pinch people and offer something she can pinch (such as a ball or stuffed animal). say it is ok to pinch the ball/stuffed animal/etc. that way she gets your attention which is probably what she is looking for and she gets an alternative way to channel her energy. good luck!!

Pinch her back. I realize that this sounds terrible but depending on the child, it takes a similar experience for them to understand how their actions hurt others. Add a very stern "DO NOT PINCH, IT HURTS". As my children aged, they now understand that everything they do has an effect. Positive=Positive, Negative=Negative. Good Luck. P.S. This is probably a phase and will pass quickly as your child learns other methods to deal with frustration.

Every time she pinches. Tell her firmly no and swat her hand.S
She will get the message. You have to be consistent.
M.-mother of 4 -18yrs-8 yrs

first off - she's 9 1/2 months old - she's a baby - timeout, etc... is ridiculous to even consider at this age.... sorry, but I read some of the responses and I felt like some of the mom's didn't read the part about where your daughter was still so young...

I'd really recommend not swatting her hand because babies and children do what their parents model and if you don't think that hitting is appropriate, why model the behavior to your child? she's too young to understand what you're trying to achieve by doing something like that anyway at 9 1/2 months. just tell her in a kind way that it doesn't feel good and that we don't pinch people and then put your hand in front of the area where she's attempting to pinch and tell her that you're going to put your hand there. then keep it there until she stops and move it to another area if she attempts to do it in another area. stay gentle and kind but consistent and it will stop. it won't stop overnight, but it will stop. also, you said that she does it when she's upset/tired - so when you see that she's upset/tired - anticipate it and try to stop it before it begins.

My daughter was a biter when she was a little older 18 months to 2 years and a number of moms who had been in the same situation kept telling me to bite her back (not hard, just enough to get her attention). But, I just couldn't do it. Finally one day (after I had gotten numerous notes about her biting from daycare...her entire class were biters...one day she bit FOUR TIMES!), she bit me hard when she was mad at me and I just did it. She was NOT happy with me, but she never bit me again and it was MONTHS before she tried to bite a classmate again. And even then, it only happened 2 or 3 more times ever. Just some food for thought...

Good luck!

Putting her down IMMEDIATELY and telling her No Pinch and walking away is the best thing to do at that age. Let her cry for a few minutes and then return to her. If she tries to pinch you again, I would repeat it. If not, I would just continue on as normal. It will get better as she gets older-- I had a hair-puller and a biter!

Mel

When my daughter was 9 1/2 months she was walking and potty trained except a night time diaper. I know it sounds un-believable but it's true. My daughter would come up behind me and bite my bottom. Well, I was also beside myself with bite marks all over my bottom. The good thing is no one could see them. I'll never forget the day I was washing dishes at the sink and she came up behind me and bit me so hard it brought tears to my eyes. So I picked her up and bit her on the bottom, not hard but just enough so she could feel it. I held her up and looked straight into her big blue eyes and said sternly "Don't Bite". She never bit again.
Your daughter pinches you because she gets a reaction, I'm not suggesting that you pinch her, but if you can try not reacting and when and if she starts to pinch you just move her hand away and talk or sing to her. I feel she will soon stop her pinching.

I didnt take the time to read the other responses but thought I'd offer my two cents...so this might be repeated advice.

my son pinched me ONLY one time.

I pinched him back, and hard enough to make him cry...and told him "PINCHING HURTS". I dont think they realize that they are hurting us, even when we tell them, until they FEEL it.

After he was pinched, he NEVER pinched again.

Have you ever tried pinching her back maybe not hard enough to leave a bruise but hard enough it hurts

When i was breastfeeding and my son would bite, i would pull him away and say "OWIE, NO BITING" in a stern voice and end the feeding. I would do the same thing in your situation and end the activity you were doing that lead to the pinching and give her something else to do. I wouldn't comfort her either if she cries when you get upset; I think that's letting her think its allright to pinch. She'll get over this soon. Good luck

this probably isn't a popular answer, but it does work. Pinch her back. Every time she pinches you, pinch back. It doesn't have to be a vice grip to get the point across, but it does need to be hard enough to be uncomfortable. Your daughter has learned how to modify your behavior by being mean to you. You have to regain the lead now or it will only get worse as she learns more ways to be in control. It's a natural thing for children to behave this way. All babies do this one way or another. Even the most passive babies eventually find a way to get mom to do what they want, or stop mom from doing what they don't want. I have 4 beautiful children, they are now 20,20, 16 and 14. They're all really great kids, but they have each taken their turn trying to rule the roost. A great book to read about discipline, when to start and how is by Dr James Dobson. It's called DARE TO DISCIPLINE. It's packed full of creative advice on handling tough situations as your child grows. It's been a life saver for me! I've been out numbered for years now, but with clear advice and lots of prayer we are making it through to the end.
Just so you know... teen years aren't much different than toddler years. You go right back into the trying tempers, clumsy ways, and off the wall humor that keep life interesting. My husband and I have really enjoyed every stage as our children grow, but it is a lot work trying to raise them to be respectable, responsible adults. But it's worth it!

Well, I never had this problem with my two children. But, I do feel that she is trying to get your attention. Even if it's negative attention. I wouldn't pop her becuase then she probably thinks that hurting is okay. I would sit her down and explain nice touches and bad touches. Maybe you could get a doll or something to demonstrate on. I hope this helps.

My daughter used to pinch and I didn't do anything about it for a long time. She did it for about 6 or 7 months. Around 14 months old she finally got me really good on my inner thigh while I was doing dishes so I pinched her back about as hard as she had been pinching me. I am not suggesting that inflicting pain on children is a good thing but she never did it again. I don't think she realized how much the pinching was hurting everyone.

I know this doesn't help --- but wanted to let you know that this is a very common phase that your little girl will grow out of, especially when she is able to communicate. I had "war wounds" all the time until my guy was about 14 months old. It's very aggravating.