Seeking Advice - Mesquite, TX

Hi K.,
First I'm sorry for what your going thru w/your husband. Noone should ever live the way you are.There are places for women & children to go so that they feel safe and that they don't have to worry about the things your going thru. Please somehow leave the situation you are in, if not for yourself for your children. They see whats going on and as they get older they will think that it's normal cause they grew up in that enviroment and will repeat history. I know cause I speak from experience. I was one of your children growing up.
My father abused drugs to the point where we kids never had any food. He choose drugs over us.And we had people in & out of the house at all times and left alone at all hours. I remember fighting with him for five dollars just so I could get my brothers
something to eat, and back then it was milk & cereal. And that was all we had to eat. My mother had left us when the youngest was 4 months olds so it was me raising the 2 boys and with a father who was a druggie and prefered drugs over loving us it was difficult and now my youngest brother thinks that that is normal cause that's how he was raised. So please get out of that situation.
I know you will get different advice on what to do like get him help, into a rehab or even couseling just so you can save the marriage. But they never get better even after the promises and pleas. THis is not worth saving the marriage for, you life and you babies lifes are far more important then putting them thru this,don't make the same mistake my father did with his children.
There are womens shelters that can help and also getting wealfare. That's what my tax dollars are there for ,to help women like you in this situation.If you need to talk please call me and I'll listen cause I know what your going thru sweetie. I was one of your children in a house such as that one. My cell is ###-###-#### if you ever want to talk. Your in my prayers, D.

I have not been through this either, but it is wise to put the children's needs first. They need to be in a safe and legal environment. How sad would it be, if your husband got caught, and the children were talken away from you for a time b/c of them being exposed to that environment.

Perhaps with you and the children gone will be an eye opener for him and he will seek the help he needs. Or, maybe turning him in so he is forced to face his reality is an option as well.

My friend who had to leave with her 3 children an abusive relationship, called around to women's shelters. They found her a home of their own and also offered assistance on finding a job, and filling out paperwork for CHIPS and food stamps that can be critical to have at this point. She is doing sooo much better now and her children are more adjusted and happier/safer as well.

http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&q=women%27s+shelte...

K. -

My sister was in a very simimlar situation a few years ago. She did leave and it made her husband see what he was losing. Which, in turn, caused him to quit. I would be happy to put you in contact with her. Please reply and I will talk with you personally. You WILL get through this!!

Blessings,
M.

After reading the other responses, I wanted to add something. There are lots of places where you can work and take your kids...for instance, Lifetime Fitness. In the Child Center, there are lots of moms who work and are able to have their kids with them. I know they also have full benefits, which is rare these days. Might be something to check out, if you are in an area close to one. Just a thought....

K.,

So sorry to hear of your situation and dilemma. My first thought would be to have an "intervention" with family and friends. I have never been a part of one so I cannot advise on how to successfully make it work, however, I have heard about them being successful. Your husband needs to know how much his decision to use drugs affects not only himself but the impact it has on his family. In your situation with children, I would try every other avenue first (ie: intervention, individual therapy for him, couples therapy for both of you, outpatient drug treatment, detox, support groups such as NA, church, and even inpatient treatment if needed. If none of these avenues work, then ultimatums of separation or divorce may be the next step. If you jump to that step first, you may not be able to go backwards and try the other ones first. Plus, separation may give him more time to himself to use more drugs and give him the "out" to not have the responsibilities of marriage and children. Plus, you need to get to the root of the problem of why is your husband using drugs in the first place. Is he going through issues at work, hanging around the wrong crowd, suffering from depression, etc? Believe me, you will have more leverage and be able to get your husband the treatment he needs while you are still together as opposed to being in the role of the ex-wife. Best of luck to you.

K.

hi K.,

I know your hurting and scared my first question is that if you feel like you are in danger get out now call the Genesis house for shelter if not I would contact ALANON it is an organization that supports the familys of addicts this might help you get a plan together since I am sure they been through what you are going through now.
Also contact a lawyer you did not create this problem he did.
he should be the one to leave a lawyer can explain to you your legal rights are.

I know your heart has been ripped out but stay strong for those kids

J. D.
Survivor and Mother of one 4 yr old boy

I don't personally have this experience, but know someone that did with their wife. They were separated for a time till she was cleaned up but they got back together and are fine now.

I hope you get more advice. I'd like to think people can change. Ask your church for support, they may even have a program for drug addiction. If you don't have a church Fellowship Church in Grapevine is great. It's huge, which is scary to some, but that means there's lots of resources and people of all kinds to meet.

Also, you would be entitled to support from your husband. You might want to visit a Family Law center or county Family Court and see what they suggest. I don't think you have to get divorced to get support. And I think they could force him into treatment too..... if it gets to that point.

Good luck!

I'm so sorry to hear this! Marriage is a sacred thing and getting himself into this destroys more then himself!! I agree you shouldn't have to subject your kids to that behavior. It can't be a good situation. I also believe in til death do us part means til death however, I'd be incredibly torn on what to do.

My answer would be and suggestion to you would be to find something bigger to lean on. If you need a good church to attend and therefore have the trusting counsel of a great pastor, I'd love to offer our church! I've attended this church for 23 years now and have had my times of wild days and returned only to find open arms and caring members. Its named Victorious Life Assembly of God church in Lewisville TX. Its incredibly easy to find from anywhere just off of I-35 and 121. If you know where Vista Ridge Mall is, you can find this church!

We've got an amazing nursery and child programs! I can say that because I take turns working back there! :o) My daughter LOVES it! And I love having the peace of mind to refresh my mind in an adult service once a week! :o)

On the income side, I'd also LOVE to help you out as well. I needed something I could stay home with my baby too after she was born. I realized after returning to work that I simply highly disliked Corporate America. It wasn't so much leaving my daughter as it was not liking Corporate America... I'd love to share more if you are interested. That alone has blessed my family unbelievably much less paid the bills. I'd want to give you all the info so you could make an educated decision for or against it. If I told you what it was for, you probably wouldn't look into it, most people don't and its unfortunate!!! If you'd like more info I'd love to share, either way!

So church, and take care of yourself and those babies! Best of luck, we (as fellow momma's) are here for ya!
~T.~

Hey K.!!
I must say that after I read your post...I had to step away from the computer a bit and regather my thoughts. I have been in your situation before...and boy, did a ton of emotions and old feelings come crashing back in!! Let me START by saying that now, after being together on and off for 13 years, married for 11, my husband and I are together now, our family complete...and have never been happier!! But I will be the first to admit...for most of our time together, that wasn't so...

We were very young when we first got together, I was 21 and he was 19! I got pg with our first son 2 mos after we got together. After he was born, we got married and our second wasn't far behind! Our life was no bed of roses when we first got together (mostly just immature going out with friends, bad with money type stuff), but the problems didn't really start until shortly before I got pg with our second and during the pregnancy. I dont' know when things truly started going south, but when I was pg with our second son, I found out my hubby was cheating and left him...moved home with my parents and our oldest son. I was pg and miserable!!! My hubby ended up getting another girl pg and tried to keep it from me..but she told me! It was when we both confronted him and he knew that I knew was when he went off the deep end. He tried to commit suicide and I was there for him...but he chose to stay with her...it was hard, but my parents were great! To this day they do not know about the other child...hannah grace was stillborn and is in heaven with the two angels I miscarried. I have my own little army of angels up there taking care of me! Guess I should go back a bit...I delivered our son premature in Jan of 1997. He was lifeflighted to san antonio (2hours from home) and my husband when with me to stay with him. We stayed together at the ronald mcdonald house and ended up back together before hannah was born. The other mother then started dating someone else and that is when the problems really started! We were young and were in the middle of one the hardest situations anyone should have to deal with...in came the drugs. I had my suspicions, but nothing concrete!! We were both still very immature and going out with friends etc. We ended up buying a mobile home and thought we were starting a new life together and boy was I wrong! My husband was full blown into using crack by now...and that is a very expensive habit! He would be gone for days at a time, spend all the money we had, etc etc...but still no die hard proof! Even wihtout the proof...I had enough...so once again...out the door I went with two kiddos in tow...I moved into my own apt this time...and waited tables as much as I could to make ends meet. He never did really help me with the kids money wise...but I could drop them off when I needed to to work...little did I know what was going on...our son finally had to have surgery and I quit my job...he ended up talking his way back into my house on and off...I never did truly cut him off completely!

To make a long story short...this went on for years...I would get tired of everything, move, get back together, would be great for a while...then it would all fall apart again....would move from town to town away from all his contacts etc...until finally...finally I had enough strength to say...NO MORE!!!!

November 9, 2004! I had some friends come over and help me...we cleaned that house out while he was at work...I left him what he needed to live with and the rest went with us! I COMPLETELY shut him off...no contact with me, no contact with the kids, had a restraining order put against him, had papers at the school so he couldn't pull them out, blocked his phone numbers...completely clean!!! NO if ands or butts about it! He didn' even SEE the kids again until christmas day 2004, and that was only for about an hour or so....the only IN he had was to PROVE he was willing to be there for these kids and I and the only way he was going to do THAT was to quit everything...going out, spending money, drugs, alcohol...everything....

We were seperated for 2 years. He had his fun, dating, doing whatever he did and it was none of my concern. I went out with a couple guys, but lemme tell ya...not many out there wanting to take on my family load! 4 kids is enough...but add 2 disabled to the list and you can say...BYE BYE! HA! But I had my college and my kids and I was happy :) We BOTH did a lot of growing up in that time! I think he realized WHAT he had lost and that as tempting as everything was...the grass just wasn't greener on the other side...we had talked on and off about getting back together...but never made a move to do so. Strangly enough, it was another near TRAGIC incident that brought our family back together and we have held strong ever since. My daughter accidently got into some of JD bipolar meds and almost died. It just happened to be fast acting risperdal and by the time 911 got to my apt we were losing her...I called stephen home and off we went to the hospital. After her being down for 45 mins...benadryl in massive doses finally brought her back!! She was fine then and is still fine now!! Truly a miracle. That miracle caused another miracle. We BOTH realized that our family wanted and needed to be together. We BOTH severed all ties to everything that we had when we were 'single' so to speak and forged ahead together for really the FIRST time ever!! That was may of last year...june of last year we packed up our family and moved up here! We have had some of the hardest times financially with everyhting going wrong that you can possibly imagine...but we lean on EACH OTHER for support and no one or nothing else! I know now, we are truly soul mates that were just lost in the world looking to find each other again. It is easy for us to say that we wished we didn't have to go through all of that...but in the end..everything we DID go through made us the strong people and the strong family unit we are today....

whew!!! Sorry for the novel!!! Thought it was the best way to say...you really do need to make a clean break!!! Unfortuantely people who get into drugs have to hit rock bottom and grovel a bit before they start finding their way back UP!! My hubby did so much crack one night he gave himself a heart attack and even that wasn't enough to stop him from using...he had to completely lose everything... up to and including his wife and kids...and grovel there for quite some time...before he started his uphill climb!! It isn't an easy road to travel girl..believe ME!! But never never give up hope! You do what YOU have to do to take care of those babies...what he does is completely up to him!!! You can't make him change for any length of time...all you can do is make him realize what he is losing if he doesn't...Don't give IN to him...but don't ever give up...there is hope...we are living proof of it.

I hope my novel helps hun...if you EVER need me feel free to email me at ____@____.com!! I am usually around. From one mom to another...hang in there girlie....and HUUUGGGSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!111
~H.

K.,

My husband has struggled with drugs (for years before I met him, but not once since) and alcohol (has struggled since I met him). I have gone to an awesome support group that is modeled after the 12 step model with a Christ centered approach to help people deal with all of life's hurts, habits, and hang-ups. It has really changed my life and my marriage. It is called Celebrate Recovery.

You can find more info on www.celebraterecovery.com.

This group really helped me learn how to take care of myself, and how to love him more (regardless of his sobriety status). I know that may seem totally weird, but today I love him for the person he is, not the person I try to make him into.

I have also been to Al-Anon and it is a wonderful resource, as well. PM me if you (or anyone else) has questions about this group. We meet at our church in Plano www.fbcnorth.org.

~Jenn