33 answers

Seeking Advice

I have just had an ultrasound. At this point they were looking to see if there was any fluid build up behind the neck which is a general indicator of a chrosomal abnormality. On the spectrum of what is considered bad or not normal, my fetus was high, meaning a considerable amount of fluid retention. The fetus also showed swelling all over the body. I still have testing to do, but the doctors tell me it doesn't look good. Somehow, I knew this. What my quesion is, how many of us have gone thru something like this to go on and have a healthy baby the next time? I will be 39 in April and wonder if I should or should not try again. I am grateful for the daughter that I have. I also feel sorry if my question brings up painful memories for anyone. Any advice?

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What can I do next?

So What Happened?™

Thank you to all that have responded to my request for advice. I was not entirely clear with the fact that I was never concerned about Downs. I was told that my baby's chance for survival was not great and I needed to go to the perinatal clinic from there to learn more. They sent me on my way with this information. My OB-Gyn just left for her vacation. All this happened at about 3:30 on a Friday so I was left all weekend to google my diagnosis and reach out for advice on Mamasource. What I was told at the time of the ultra sound that my baby had a thick cystic hygroma and some edema on the body. It was the edema that had me terrified because hydrop fetalis has a 90 to 100% mortality rate depending upon whom you are asking. Yesterday, I met with the genetic counsellor. The final results are that the cystic hygroma is at least 10mm thick and the edema is diffuse, which means there is swelling all over the body. This clarified what I had already learned, which is that my now 14 week old fetus is in severe distress. Chromosomally abnormal or not, it will die or may have died. I have decided to terminate. I spoke to 3 doctors and 2 nurses along with the counsellor and they all say the same thing. I have decided not to wait for nature to take my baby because I have my 4 year old daughter's well being to consider. She was excited as could be knowing that she was going to have a baby brother or sister. At this point, we can tell her that Mommy was wrong and not pregnant. It would break my heart to have to watch watch my belly grow and be so excited for her future sibling knowing how it will end and that she will have to say goodbye. Thank you all.

Featured Answers

I carried a baby with anencephaly (when I was 28) and decided to terminate the pregnancy, which was one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do. Several years later I had my healthy son. I then had 3 miscarriages. I now have a healthy 16 month old girl. I had her when I was 40, so went through the amnio with both of my babies. I truly feel first hand I know what a miracle a healthy baby is. If this pregnancy for you does not work out it will be a very hard thing to go through, but you can have another healthy one. Things do happen for a reason--we don't always know what that reason is........... Just know that you have people around you that will support you and care about you. Please don't hesitate to email me if you need something--I also own my own business.

1 mom found this helpful

I hope the ultrasound is wrong - and this does happen. My twins appeared to have indicators of down syndrome by ultrasound but they were actually two perfectly healthy babies now 6 months old! I wish you the best .. D.

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I had an AFP test at week 16 that showed I was high risk for downs, 1 in 110. Then, the ultra sound showed that my risk was better, but only to 1 in 220. So, still what they considered high. My daughter is just fine. Perfect and beautiful.

Rachel

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More Answers

L.,
NOBODY wants to hear "bad news" about their unborn baby. I'm sorry for the pain it's causing you. But please leave room for hope in your heart! My husband and I have a six year old son with Down syndrome who is such a BRIGHT spot in our lives! My triple screen results showed increased risk for DS, and we decided to have the amnio done because I wanted to know for sure. I wasn't worried about miscarriage - I just had a reassuring feeling that would not happen. When we got the results of the amnio, we were devastated. World caved in. I won't lie - it was the single most painful event in my life. We did not want this baby. Where was the "perfect child" we deserved? We just did not want to be in that place. As my husband and I talked that night, called our parents, etc., I realized that the pain of terminating the pregnancy would FAR outweigh the pain of having a child with a disability. I read some accounts on a website from women who had terminated, and their grief and regret sounded unbearable and unquenchable. From the moment we decided to keep and love our son, our outlook improved. We were blessed to be in agreement - some couples disagree on termination vs. continuation and that can be a source of stress. Our son has been the most wonderful blessing in our lives. He is our brown-haired, mischievous, playful, naughty, dirt-loving boy! He's more alike other children than he is different! None of us can imagine life without him. Our family has become more accepting, insightful, and courageous because of his influence. Of course there have been challenges, and they will continue, I'm sure. But what child comes without challenges? The challenges just may be different. The "perfect child" is a myth! In many ways, my son with DS is easier than my 13 year old daughter or my 4 year old son.
I consider myself "pro right choice," if that makes sense. I would not rule out abortion in severe cases, like if the mom's health is at risk, or if the fetus is completely incapable of sustaining life. But I personally feel that far too many couples abort for the wrong reasons. Of course this is my opinion, and it may be offensive to some. Down syndrome is not a reason to abort. I've found it to be an amazing gift wrapped in a deceivingly doubtful package. My hope is that doctors will offer pregnant couples the support and hope they need, instead of just gloom and doom. A great example of a couple going through the heart-wrenching situation you are, is that of Greg and Tierney Fairchild. Their story is told in a book called, "Choosing Naia," by Mitchell Zuckoff. When the Fairchilds find out their unborn baby has Down syndrome and a heart defect, they really dig in and investigate before they make their decision. They interview doctors, geneticists, Down syndrome families, and even adoption services. It's a great read, if you're up to it. Also a great read is "Welcome to Holland," a short essay by Emily Perl Kingsley.
Sorry for the long post and for the very strong opinions. I don't mean to offend or worsen the situation. I just feel like I have a secret to share that many are hesitant to believe: life with a child with Down syndrome is not horrible! In fact, it's very rewarding!! Be brave, give the baby a chance to prove it to you. At least take the time to thoughtfully consider everything before making an irreversible decision.
If you don't hate me for what I've said, and would like to talk/write more, please reply, and I'll be happy to correspond with you privately. Lastly, I am not you. It's not my place to judge any decision you make. But, I do feel like I should share my story, so that's what I've done. Best wishes to you!!

3 moms found this helpful

Sorry no advice. But I just want to say..., I'm sorry. I know there are no words anyone can speak right now that are of much comfort.

I had a partial molar pregnancy four years ago. That is different from your situation, but I do know the sadness.

Much love, strength and peace to you L.!

2 moms found this helpful

My first pregnancy was at 41 and I too registered with very poor odds for chromasomal abnormalities. I stressed over it for almost 2 months before I could do an amniocentesis. The amnio showed that everything was just fine and I delivered a perfectly healthy daughter. She is now 3 and two years later at 44 had a healthy son.

If you're really worried, go ahead and do an amnio. It gives you peace of mind and if there happens to be a problem, it will allow you to get your doctors lined up for future care/concerns.

I chose not to do the earlier genetic tests the second time around because I didn't want to go through the stress levels again. However, my hubby really wanted the amnio the second time, so I gave in. It hurt a little more than the first, which was painless, but we didn't have to worry about anything after that. Baby boy was healthy.

Good luck and I hope you get some peace of mind, regardless of the outcome. All kids are precious and there is always a support group for your needs. Don't forget the New Moms Group at the hospitals. Ask your OB about them. D.

2 moms found this helpful

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this difficult situation. My 1st baby was text book easy. Everything went perfect. My second ended in a miscarriage at week 13. I didn't naturally abort, so it was when I got an ultrasound that they discovered the baby had died. When the ultrasound lady told me I said that I knew something was wronge (while sobbing, of course). I just had a weird feeling that something was wronge. I even had a dream the baby died. I think our subconciouse mind knows what is going on and sends us subtle indicators. My third pregnancy felt good, but I had this blood test that said I tested high for down syndrome. I was a mess! I kept saying to myself, "this doesn't seem right...my gut tells me he's fine". I had the choice to do an amnio. and find out for sure and I did and he was fine..no downs. So, my advice is listen to your gut and make your decisions on what feels right. My prayers to you.

p.s. I wanted to add that if you do try again, make sure you are taking folic acid PRIOR to getting pregnant. The folic acid is crucial with the chromosomal development. Most women start taking it after they realize they are pregnant, which is still good, but it's most important at the VERY early stage of pregnancy.

2 moms found this helpful

L., first I'm so sorry you are having these concerns and decisions during, what should be a time of great expectations, joy and promises. Ultra sounds are not foolproof. They are just one diagnostic that provide a piece of the puzzle. Your doctor is being frank and preparing you for the worse. I would get an amino and in the mean time make an appointment with a genetic counselor. Then with your husband and your doctor discuss your options and make a decision. It is your decision. The genetic counselor can also give you the information you may need to make the decision to 'try again'. What is going on now may not be aged related, it may not be genetic, it could be just one of those instances of nature. Be good to yourself, give yourself, your husband and your daughter time to cope and heal. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Peace.

2 moms found this helpful

Hi L.,

No advice really, just want to send you my thoughts and prayers for you, your baby and family. As a fellow pregnant mom, I cannot fathom the heartache you are feeling. My heart is breaking for you right now. After reading all the posts, I agree getting as many opinions as you can is the best option, and then make a descision that is best for you and your family. It is your decision, not anybody else's. Bless your heart....... ~A. V

2 moms found this helpful

I don't know how much actual advice I have for you, L., but I went through a very similar situation with my second child, so I know how you may be feeling. At 16 weeks I was told my son had too much fluid around his neck, so they did a more thorough ultrasound. He had fluid around his lung and his hear. You could see it on the ultrasound. He was diagnosed with a pleural effusion, not unheard of in adults but rare in fetuses. The prognosis is not great in fetuses and it's very difficult to treat. In some cases you can have a shunt put in (in utero) but that only helps in about 50% of cases. There is quite a bit of information about pleural effusion in fetuses online, but there is no conclusive evidence. Anyway, at 20 weeks I went in for another ultrasound to check his status. During that four week waiting period I felt every emotion possible: anger at the doctor for telling me, sadness that my baby might die (or if he survived, die within the first year), frustration about not being able to help, doubt about myself as a baby-making machine, guilt for maybe not being able to care for a baby with special needs, guild to entertaining the thought of terminating the pregnancy if he didn't get better, more sadness, more frustration, it just went on and on. I'm very fortuante to be able to say that at the 20 week ultrasound the pleural effusion had completely gone away. Now I have a happy, healthy and adorable 5 month old boy (my second one). I'm 38, so I understand the age concern.

What I want to say is that there are miracles that happen. I honestly believe that these things happen more regularly than doctors ever realized before because of the advances in technology. Doctors and medical practitioners can see so much more than they used to. Many times I believe these unusual/interesting body changes are just a part of babies developing. As with any living thing, there are standards and benchmarks, but everyone/thing still develops in their own way, at their own pace. The ultrasound of your fetus is much more advanced than the one you had with your daughter those 4 short years ago, I imagine. I know it is much more advanced than with my 3 1/2 year old son.

I guess my advice is to be strong and do what you can to take care of yourself and your daughter. Eat healthy, exercise and take care of your fetus as you would if the fluid retention was normal. And know that there is a possibility of a good outcome. If the outcome is not good, it's ok and you'll make it through. And you should absolutely try for another one--39 is the new 29! You're a spring chicken! :-)

Good luck and best wishes.
~J.

2 moms found this helpful

L., I didn't read any of the responses so I don't know if others have said something similar and you didn't say how far along you are, but I have a friend who had some type of ultrasound at 13 weeks that diagnosed the exact same thing and they told her at that point that her baby would either die in utero or be stillborn. She was freaking out and wanted to have an abortion but her husband was strongly against it. At 20 weeks another series of tests and a deep scan U/S were done and they showed that the fluid was completely gone from his neck and his spinal column. I have heard lots of other stories since then with the same outcome and I do believe that it is probable that LOTS of our healthy babies have those 'abnormalities' it is just that until fairly recently we weren't looking or testing as early as we are now. JMO

My heart goes out to you and your family in this very hard time.

2 moms found this helpful

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