J.U. asks from Indian Head, MD on June 17, 2008
Searching for a Balance...
Hello to all...Not sure if there is an answer...My question is this, How do I get a fair and even balance?? There are some days where I feel as though my sanity may not finish out the day. I haven't been feeling romantic toward my husband and I have tried to talk to him about how crazy I feel and it doesn't seem to change anything. If anything I feel even worse! and sympathy, I do not get. I am trying everything to keep the daily schedule going. We have no help as far as babysitters or family that we can rely on and I feel like other than my child I have nothing to smile and wake up for everyday. Some of my friends that I have confided in say that it is pretty normal to "hate" your husband for the 1st few years after your child is born. I know that sounds strong, I do love him. I hate feeling guilty because I can't be this super woman that I am supposed to be. My husband tries to help on occasion however, I usually have to ask. Any suggestions??
2 moms found this helpful
So What Happened?™
Just want to tell everyone Thanks so much for all of the GreaT advice!! It is always reassuring when you find others are or have been there, and are still married and living life!! I know we will work through this trying time. I am taking a kick boxing class 2 times a week and I have made it a point to do as much as I possibly can to spend more quality time with my son and has seemed to help my spirit (guilt of working full time). As for me and my husband...one day at a time. Things are not great but, it could be so much worse. I have tried to do a little in the mornings before my son wakes up and that frees me up a little in the evenings. I do want to point out that I don't actually Hate my husband but, there is definately resentment. Having a child for the 1st time and having one with an impairment is almost like having twins!! I took my baby to the docs or therapy over 65 times in the 1st year he was born and I am finally getting to a comfortable routine with that so with that said, I am sure it will only be a matter of time before that happens with my husband.Thanks again. Jen
D.A. answers from Washington DC on June 18, 2008
This is the life many of us chose to be "superwoman" work, raise a family, basically have it all. and when we don't we think there is something wrong with us and we get depressed. It could be temporary and then again it may not. In addition, you have a special needs child, of which I had one too. I would go talk to a professional they can guide you better, and help you better than anyone.
J.F. answers from Washington DC on June 17, 2008
If I may offer some suggestions. You can go to Yahoo search and type in "gooseysdream". That's where you will find me..I hope you find what you need to help you.
A.B. answers from Washington DC on June 19, 2008
"No" is the most beautiful word in the English language. Using that word might help you organize your schedule a little better. Not sure if you are involved in any additional activities in your community or church, but having a special needs child requires a great deal of time and energy. You are a full-time employee which requires at least 10 hours (8 work, 2 travel time) of your day, everyday. You also take 3 hours for meal prep and consumption. You take 1 hour for your basic grooming needs, and you sleep at least 6 hours per day. Already, we have used 19 hours of our 24 hours. Of the remaining 5, you must nurture the relationship you have with your 2 1/2 yo and your husband. You also mentioned that you have friends, so do you honestly think it's fair to yourself to question your feelings? It is honest and realistic to feel overwhelmed because you are. And there's no time in there for just J. to recover and do some of those things you probably did that helped you de-stress. You have to teach your child to gain independence in spite of his challenges. You and your husband will work harder than many other parents because of the physical challenges. However, as a mom of two pretty special babies, I can tell you it gets better over time. It's really hard when your first-born comes into the world with a physical impediment. But, you are not alone, nor are you the first to go through something like this. Yes, it's hard on you. Yes, you can feel resentful; however, here are somethings you can control.
In the 5-hour window that you have left over, make the best of it. See if your husband is willing to take your son out for 1/2 day Saturday, and you do same for him on Sunday (or whatever works for your schedule). Do not use your time to clean house--rest or do something just for you. Not possible? Learn to incorporate your son into those things you find fun. For instance, he is hearing impaired, however, he can see and he might enjoy a visit to a museum or a nature center. He might like a merry-go-round ride at the park. Nothing in your area? How about just walking to a pond and watching ducks? Something that you enjoy.
I realize having a hearing impaired son makes it difficult to ask for help for a babysitter, but you and your husband need some time together to restore the relationship. How about putting your son to bed at 7:30 and staying up until 9 and just having dinner together, or playing music and dancing together once in a while? Just talking in bed together, without sex? You will find that once you are well-rested and rejuvenated with some quality time, you will be able to breathe. It is not uncommon to be tired--ALWAYS--as a parent; but, I promise you it does get better, even when you have a child with a challenge, because don't they all?
Peace to you and your beautiful family.
1 mom found this helpful
N.R. answers from Richmond on June 18, 2008
Hi J.! THis is N. and I totally understand how you feel! Oh boy do I! Funny, last night my husband said to me that I just don't seem as upset as I use to and that things look great around here. It's been a LONG time since I have heard that kind of talk from him.
First, I found Jesus and asked Him to come into my life and take control of me. This made a 100% difference in our marriage alone and even more so in my relationship with our children and others. The easiest way to put it is that He (Jesus) helped me get my house and life in proper order.
Then I found the book Managers OF Their Home by Terri Maxwell at www.titus2.com. I think it was $25 but it has been the best money spent for sure! I read through it quickly cause it was easy reading. Then I started putting my daily schedule together. Then the kids and I started taking one room at a time to completely go through and clean from top to bottom. This included them trying on clothes, me boxing those that didn't fit, cleaning out toys they didn't play with any more, and finally giving everything in our house a "home" or a place that it belongs. If we had somethng that didn't have a home and we couldn't find a home for it, we got rid of it.
In the past, I would clean like mad and still have little to show for it. Now days, I see a mess on the counter and I know where everything goes and about how long it will take me to get it done. Plus the kids know what to do when and where everything goes too.
As for our daily schedule around here, it has made life so much better for us all. My husband says he can see what we have accomplished each day, he now knows what to do and when (all he has to do is look at the schedule to see what we do at what time) and he really helps more now. It's not a ton of help, but it's better than it was!
Please email me anytime if you'd like to talk or to pick my brain sometime. LOL When I started on this journey 6yrs ago I had no one to talk to or to help. I love to help other moms so they don't have to go it alone.
Never give up! Proverbs 14:23 says that "all hard work brings profit but mere talk leads only to poverty."
SAHM homeschooling 3 boys 12, 7, 2 yrs old and married to Mr. Wonderful for almost 15yrs.
1 mom found this helpful
D.S. answers from Allentown on June 18, 2008
The 10 year mark in a marriage, relationship, etc is a milestone. At this point, life becomes a routine. It can be boring.
Get you an appointment book with 3 columns, one for each one of you. Put in all the things that you need to get done and what is your routine each day.
Get into a support group for moms. Take parenting classes. Take one college course. Join a Civic group, Kiwanis, etc. Take classes at the Community Mediation Center at ###-###-####
call www.kidspriorityone.org for a resource.
Hope this helps. Good luck. D.
1 mom found this helpful
J.M. answers from Washington DC on June 18, 2008
You may want to check out Flylady.net
It's an online group that gives suggestions for everything related to keeping house, cooking, taking care of yourself, engaging family members in helping, exercise, etc. Don't get overwhelmed by their e-mails- start slow and do what you can. You may find their messages helpful and entertaining. Your emotions are typical, take care of yourself so you can take care of them!
1 mom found this helpful
K.S. answers from Richmond on June 20, 2008
If you do find a great answer I would love to hear about it. Losing my privacy was one of the hardest things to bear about motherhood. It is hard for my husband to understand because my son clings to me and hates for me to even leave his sight when we are home together whereas he will play quietly in another room when he is home with just my husband. Everyone I talk to just says it will get better but I don't think anyone has ever really figured it out. I guess I just look forward to being older and wiser and looking back on this time in my life as a period when I was functioning in survival mode. The one thing that does help me is to imagine how lucky I am compared to mothers worldwide who don't have the money or resources to feed their own children and are forced to watch their children suffer on a daily basis just from the lack of basic necessities. Getting involved ina church community has helped too, though I am not really a "religious" person. Just knowing that other people are going through the exact same thing helps sometimes.
1 mom found this helpful
L.T. answers from Norfolk on June 18, 2008
Wow you sound like me. I am 11 years older than you and my man is 11 years older than me. I am 39. We just had a baby a year ago and I have not been the same with my man since. Before the baby was born sex life was good now I look at him like he is just a friend and someone that drives me crazy. We are also getting married this August. What fun. I asked a question on how do I get in the mood and I have got a million responses if you like to read them maybe there is some that may help you spark something with your man. I know the one thing we need and that is time alone with our spouses. I also have 2 boys - one 11 and a step son 15. I don't want them babysitting and I don't have very many friends where we live are know anyone that can babysit for me. So we don't get much alone time. I am also tired at the end of the day and the last thing I want to do is make out. He thinks I should go to the doctor. I know I am not much help, but just want you to know you’re not alone. Good luck and lots of hugs.
1 mom found this helpful
M.C. answers from Washington DC on June 18, 2008
Every working mom feels or has felt as you do. The trick to staying sane is to figure out how to manage your home time. Some things that have helped me...
Laundry... hubby gets mad when all of the laundry isn't put away within a day/two of being cleaned...tough! I figured out though that his biggest problem is that he doesn't want to search through the baskets for ____@____.com, I take a few minutes to find a few pairs of his socks, underwear, jeans and put them away. I've just bought myself x num of days to sort the laundry. If I still don't have time, I do it again.. bought myself x more days. Dishes...do the dishes while waiting or cooking dinner. Your child is occupied so you have some time. Pull a late night on a Fri. if there are quiet things that can be done - dusting, sorting clothes, etc. stay up on a Friday night and get them done. You get to sleep in on Sat!
Take a nap...does your son still nap? If yes, take a nap too!
Finding you time... personal time doesn't have to be at a certain time. I've been known to take a long hot shower @ 11pm just cuz everyone's asleep. Rent a chic flick. Your son attends speech classes..do you actively participate? If not, read a book, take up knitting, listen to music, etc.
Best of luck.
L.S. answers from Washington DC on June 18, 2008
First of all, let me say straight out, you DON'T have to be a supermom! Everyone gets tired and overwhelmed with life, especially so if you have children. And I can only imagine the difficulty of having a child with a disability. My only advice is give yourself a break. This is a huge life change that practically happens overnight. Ask for help! And don't feel guilty about doing it. You cannot measure yourself on what it appears others are or are not doing. You can only measure how your doing based on you. And if that means you need someone to take over so you can take a breath, so be it. Let your husband know how you feel and tell him that you need his help and support. If you have family close by, ask for help. And if worse comes to worse, have a neighborhood child come by to play with your son for an hour or two so you can do other things, or just sit. Hey, take a bath!
You are an amazing person, and you need to make sure that you recharge to be an amazing mom!!! Good luck!!