Mamapedians...my lovely step daughter, who has lived with us for almost 2 years, turns 15 tomorrow. She is everything we could wish for in a daughter and more - strong in her convictions, passionate in her beliefs, smart, hard working, down to earth, thoughtful, artistic, athletic, a good sister, daughter, granddaughter, and friend, and happens to be gorgeous and yes, a size 0. And yet, the gaping hole in her life is that her birth mother's only visit with her in the 23 months she's lived with us was on her birthday last year and she literally hasn't contacted her since despite living 45 minutes away from us. She sent her nothing for Christmas, didn't wish her well on any holidays or even reach out to say hi. No phone calls, text messages, FB messages and hasn't reached out to my husband to see how she's doing or if she can see her. Bio mom is doing just fine - from FB, we can see that she is working, in a relationship, travels a lot, is near our town quite regularly etc. Seems to be having a grand ole time not mothering her children (she has two sons who live with their father and she doesn't see them either).
We did family therapy for a while so that she could process the abandonment as well as the trauma of growing up in a violent household and she "graduated" from therapy several months ago and really is doing well. However, tomorrow is kind of a big milestone - my husband and I have privately worried that her mom would reach out and ask for a visit or something and we weren't sure what we would do, but we've also worried that she WOULDN'T reach out and how that would feel for my SD, to be ignored by her own mother on her birthday.
If we don't hear from her at all tomorrow, would you say anything or just pretend that it's not a "thing." I don't want to bring her down by bringing it up, but she's a still-waters-run-deep kind of person and won't just spontaneously bring up something that she's brooding about - you have to open the door before she'll share something upsetting.
What would you do? Thanks!
Yes, I would bring it up because you know she is thinking about it. I like Rosebud's comment and think that sums it up beautifully. Perhaps you could also write her a card and include how you described her above. Knowing that "she is everything you could wish for in a daughter" etc. would probably mean a lot to her and I am betting she would keep that card forever.
I have a still waters child. I would casually mention that I am sorry she didn't call. If he wanted to open up that would be enough of a key. I would not say anything else about it. The mother does not deserve anymore thought than that.
First of all, I got tears in my eyes reading your post. I'm SO glad your SD has you. YOU are her mom.
She will ultimately be fine, because she has you. But at the end of the day tomorrow, when and if she hasn't heard anything from her mom, yes, you should address it. Just tell her something short and simple, like, "I know it must hurt that your mom hasn't called. I'm so sorry. But I love you like a mom, and boy, is your mother ever missing out, 'cause you are just the best daughter anyone could wish for." Give her a big hug and kiss, and leave it be. If she wants to say anything further about it, she will.
You rock!
And yes, get her the card, as J.C. suggested, and tell her the things you wrote in the post.
I think her birthday should be about your SD and not her absentee mother.
SD has been through the therapy - she might be just fine.
As adults we tends to celebrate birthdays more and more away from our parents - with our friends, then spouses and then with our own kids.
SD just starts that a bit sooner than some others.
Some birds lay their eggs in another birds nest and just take off never thinking about their offspring.
The baby birds manage just fine without them.
It's totally her mothers loss.
I'd recommend you don't bring it up on her birthday, though I also don't think it's a good idea to "pretend it's not a thing" either.
Your step daughter will likely have complicated feelings about her biological mother on her birthday. After all, not only is it a holiday (which usually brings up family stuff), but it's also the day of her birth...from her biological mother's body. She might feel sad, relieved, confused, hurt, numb, or happy. She might feel all of those things at once.
Thus, I think it would be helpful to follow her lead. If your SD brings her bio mom up, by all means, make space for it. Also be connected and present with her throughout the day and, if it seems like she is having a hard time, ask her how she's feeling. That sort of thing. Thing is, she might not want to talk about it. Not at all. Even if it is bothering her.
And I think in that case, it's better to wait a few days before bringing anything up. It allows a person the chance to process it and be with their feelings by themselves. And then, when you bring it up, to do so as an invitation, making sure not to force the issue.
That's what I would suggest...but my situation is a little different since 1.) bio mom is not okay 2.) my kiddo is 5 years old. 3.) bio mom is my sister.
Keep an eye out for any visual cues. Even a sigh. Call the therapist and ask their input. Don't bring up the subject, but do expand on it if she says something.
Giving her a handwritten, handmade card(easy in this day and age) with a fave pic of you two, and telling her why it's your fave snapshot in time, and why, lets her know how loved she is by you, and gives her memories, the good kind that she needs. The fact that you personally made it and put your heart into it will mean so much at this point.
She's a teenager, and needs you(even and especially when she says she doesn't need anyone) more now than at any time in her life. She's lucky to have you for a Mom.
Remember, common DNA doesn't mean as much as the love and care you put into a bond. She'll cherish you always, and remember your love forever.
Just my 2cp.
I would mention it somehow. There is no question that she will absolutely be thinking about it so it will be nice for her know that someone else notices too. By bringing it up you surely won't be bringing up anything she hasn't/isn't already thinking about.
Just go about it casually and open the door with something like...so, it's a bummer you didn't hear from you mom today, huh? And see where it goes from there. I certainly wouldn't push it but mentioning it and letting her know that she can talk to you and/or dad about it is a good thing.
i wouldnt ask her on her birthday about her mom not calling her. i would ask her how she feels the day after and if she was upset she didnt recieve a call from her mom.
if her mom calls her and wants to see her leave the choice up to your sd. she is old enough to decide if she wants to see her or not.
Can you call the therapist and ask what she thinks? This person knows her pretty well and I think that she could give you the best answer.
What an awful person her bio mother is :(
Dawn
I think since she is 15 she will definitely be thinking about it. I would not bring it up on her birthday, and if you do bring it up in the days to follow I would not lead into it w an apology. She may NOT feel sad about it. I would just tell her if she wants to talk about it you are there for her. Also, since you seem to be such an awesome mother figure, make sure she knows how special she is to you. That will mean more in the long run than whether or not her bio mom cares.
I would go from her cues. If she is upset and wants to talk about it, then be there to listen. If you feel at the end of the day that you need to acknowledge it, I would do so then and tell her how sorry you are.
I would leave it alone. If she is doing as well you say she is , then I would leave it up to her to bring it up.
personally - i would ignore it (as both you, and your sd). that woman doesn't sound like she's worth the energy of a thought.
but i also would call the therapist and see what her .02 might be. she's the professional.
maybe the day after, if there is no contact, just mention it casually. "i'm sorry your mom didn't call sweetie. do you want to talk about that?" then go by her response.
really sorry she has such a waste of breath for a mom :(
I wouldn't say a word.
Just help her enjoy her birthday with her family. It sounds like her wonderful mom (you) will be right there with her. Family isn't about who is related to you by blood....it's about who loves you with all their heart.
Since this woman obviously doesn't care, to me, she isn't family and isn't worth mentioning.
This is really tough. On one hand I would say ignore the birth mother and to make sure your SD has a good birthday. On the other hand I would have to think of how your SD feels. I am sure she wants to hear from her BM just to know that she cares. Can you or your husband call the BM today and remind her to call your SD tomorrow? I think I would try reaching out to the BM for SD's sake. Good luck to you all!!
I wouldn't say anything during the day. Let her enjoy it. Then, when it's just about time for bed, I'd go in her room and try to spark up an open-ended conversation to see if she wants to talk about it.
Happy birthday to your SD.
simple, you explain to the child that there are "mommies" and there are "mothers", "mommies" dont necessarily give birth to you but they..wipe your nose, wipe your bottom, hold when you are sick and dont feel well, pack your lunch, wash your clothes..you know, mom stuff. "mothers", on the other hand, give birth to you and typically decide very quickly that their job is done, its not, of course, but thats not the way a "mother" sees things.
gotta go, K. h.
Call her bio mom now and tell her she NEEDS to call tomorrow and wish her daughter a Happy Birthday. If you cant reach her, leave her a private message with a cheerful reminder: tomorrow's DD's birthday, I know she'd love a phone call from you! My older kids feel so horrible that their father frequently skipped their birthdays and holidays. They had a great step dad, but finally at 18 my daughter told me how she felt, what was wrong with her that her own father couldn't bother to call or send a card.
I would probably in a casual quiet moment early in the day say something like, "I wonder if "x" will call/visit today, being your birthday and all...I wonder if she remembers...it's a big deal turning 15." See how she reacts (if it opens communications...I would assume that it would be on her mind-how could it not be). This would at least let her know that you are a) very aware her birthday is a big deal. b) thinking of SD's feelings. c) welcoming her thoughts so she can confide in you throughout the day whether contact is made or not... Tell her how much you love her, and go from there. She is so lucky to have you in her life :) To wait until the end of the day might lead her to think that no one else "gets" it and she would have to fake the whole day. I think better to ride it out with her in the beginning of the day to let her know that you are there for her...whatever she needs.
I wouldn't say, "What a bummer that you didn't hear from your bio mom" - maybe it's NOT a bummer for her, so don't presume you know how she will react. I would not suggest you call the bio mom - it's not your place, it could be perceived by your SD as stirring the pot that's better left on the back burner. While it may be that the bio mom is grateful to you for providing a stable home, it may also be that she is jealous, resentful and guilty. So you trying to "do the right thing" and remind her that she is NOT doing the right thing might backfire big time.
I am sure that the bio mom KNOWS this is her daughter's birthday - even clueless women remember things like this. It's been her choice to remain estranged from this child and her other children. There is nothing you can do to change her. And getting her to send a birthday card or make a call might just reinforce for your SD that the bio mom is not there the other 364 days a year.
If you have to make a phone call, make it to the therapist and find our how to proceed. Or, have her father make that call to get some objective guidance. You admit that you and he aren't sure if you want the bio mom to reach out or not - and if you are confused, it's likely that your SD is too, particularly as an adolescent who finds so much in life bewildering anyway.
Teen years are tough. Kids, especially girls, often feel rejected by peers, teachers, the world, etc. Don't highlight that she's been rejected by her bio mom.
If she brings it up, you can say "I am sure your mother is thinking of you today even though she is too troubled or too confused to be able to respond in the way that you would like." Then drop it. If she wants to talk, great. Listen. Then reassure her that she is a glorious child, a wonderful young woman, and she has her whole life in front of her. She cannot change her past, but she can direct her future and be the kind of person she thinks will be a benefit and a blessing to others. Her experience can be used to make her feel neglected or abandoned, or it can be used to make her a more compassionate and caring person. Of course, stress how proud you and her dad are of her, highlight a couple of key areas (don't go overboard), and make her day about the things she enjoys.
I would follow SD's lead. It can be tough enough to be a kid, but since she's graduated from therapy, you know she's stronger than she was. If you get the sense that something should be said, keep it casual. "I'm sorry she didn't call." You can also ask her, if she seems really struggling, if she wants to give her old therapist a call. Sometimes it helps to get some guidance at a tough time. Hugs to her. I hope she has a great birthday.
