School Work & Self Confidence

My daughter has always had low self confidence/esteem and doesn't apply herself. Also very bright. I put her in soccer and got her involved with Brownies and whatever else we have time for. That has helped immensly I also try and praise her alot.

Hi! I too had a tough time in school being so shy. My 2 boys are also shy. My older son has a teacher that understands this and being shy herself said she would never grade a student down for their personality of not paticipating. However my younger son's teacher is quiet different. She does grade him lower for participation. She says he is immature, and tells him to quit talking like a baby. That set him back further. No one should push a shy child. They need lots of positive feed back and to know that making a mistake is ok. Maybe getting her in some other activity would be good. It has made a difference in my boys. Good luck!

Hi-
Have you considered that maybe you are overpraising her? Perhaps she is feeling like the positive attention she gets will not happen with the slightest mistake. You need to help your daughter understand that there are many more ways to do things than just one way. Also, help her to understand that making mistakes is a very important part of the learning process. If she were my daughter, I might back off on the effusive praise, and instead praise her when she does make mistakes, or thinks things through, or learns a different way.

Dear A.,
As a social worker and a youth development specialist who trains youth workers across the state, I would recommend trying a different technique with your daughter. Instead of praising your daughter with words or with toys (bribes), try to re-phrase your praise to encourage her to express what she feels is good or worthy of her activities. So, instead of saying "Wow, that's a beautiful picture!" Say something like "I can tell you put a lot of work into your picture and used lots of different colors. What's your favorite part?"

This type of technique removes parents from being outside evaluators and makes our children identify what they like about their own work, regardless of an adult's opinion. Research is showing that this type of response builds self-esteem, self-worth, and allows our children to be their own motivator instead of being motivated by outside rewards or by somebody else's praise.

I realize this goes against everything we were told in the 80's/90's but as a person who didn't believe it and then tried it with my own 4 year old, I can attest it will make a big difference.

Here's a couple of articles:
http://www.eioba.com/a63022/praise_can_too_much_damage_yo...

http://www.growingwell.com/themes/theme_praise.htm

Best of luck! I hope you get other responses as well!

Sincerely,
A. C.

Have you read up on gifted children? The way you described your daughter sound like some things used to describe gifted children. They aren't necessarily just very smart, they process information differently. Worry about success and how they are going to be perfect, worry about how their actions affect others, etc. It may help to check the library for a book.

I was kind of the same way in school. Rather quiet, smart, and somewhat of a perfectionist. But in school I did not like sharing any answers as well, unless I knew for sure I was right, even then I really didn't care much to share them. Thinking back there really was nothing anyone could have done to change that, it is just the way I was. I turned out just fine though, I now have a 4-year college degree.