School Wants My Son Evaluated

Evaluated? Give him time to settle into a routine. If he does not settle down, have a talk with the teachers. Ask them what in particular they are concerned about. Sometimes time takes care of the "problems."

What do they want him evaluated for? If he has not really been away from home and based on the things that have come up, this sounds totally normal. If he is doing better this week, then he should get better with more time.. And this is the age of "don't play with..." or "I don't want to play with you". For how he holds the crayon, my older son held a crayon or pencil closed-fisted almost through kindergarten. I bought special pencil guides, worked with him on how to hold a pencil etc. Pencil guides were a waste of money since they did nothing for him. We played games in picking up small objects with just the finger and thumb, moving things with just the forefinger, just middle finger, etc for motor skills per doctor suggestion. He did eventually learn how to hold a crayon and pencil correctly and by 1st grade he was fine. Though I will say his handwriting is HORRIBLE and he does not press hard enough so it is hard to read (He is 16).

If the school is suggesting he be evaluated, they probably have a good reason. They aren't necessarily looking at letters, numbers, colors, etc. if your son is 3, they probably aren't looking at academics at all. Those things will be learned in time.

If the school is suggesting this, they are noticing some behavior in him that is not typical for his age. If it is just him adjusting, they will realize that, and wouldn't that be a relief? They are saying that the are seeing something more than just typical adjustment issues.

Nothing bad can come of this. The whole point of evaluations him is to see if he needs extra help. It's not to label him, it's to help him. If he needs extra help any way, wouldn't you want to know? Knowledge is power.

I'm shocked that any pediatrician would say that evaluations him is a bad idea! That's as ignorant as saying a blood test is a bad idea or an annual checkup is a bad idea. It's not going to hurt him! An evaluation would test his speech, gross and fine motor skills, social skills, emotional maturity, etc. if everything seems normal, great! If anything seems out of the normal range, you can address that.

The whole point of an evaluation is to see if there is anything extra your son might need.

Evaluated for what?

I honestly don't understand why others aren't as confused with the about what that I am. My oldest's teacher said she felt he should be evaluated for ADHD, okay, and I did that. The parents as teachers people said my younger son seemed beyond ADHD and I should start the evaluation process for Autism. You talk about these illnesses he had, poor thing, do they want him evaluated for some immune disorder?

Evaluated is meaningless without knowing what they want evaluated and really nothing in this post shows any clear issue that could be evaluated. There is no therapy for a 4 year old child who can't deal with an insane month so I can't imagine that was what they were speaking of. So then you have their crazy schedule, do they want you to evaluate their stupid schedule? Then there was the oddity of several viruses, evaluate that?

Evaluate what?

Why is everyone acting like having a child evaluated is a bad thing? The sooner a child can be evaluated the sooner any necessary intervention can start. Maybe it is nothing. Maybe it is just that he wasn't feeling well. Maybe the teachers instincts are correct and your child needs some intervention. Better to know now then find out later. I have personally asked for my child to be evaluated twice. Evaluation isn't scary or harmful in any way. The psychologist talks to the child, plays s games, asks some questions and observes the child in the classroom and on the playground. I would ask for the evaluation, but in one months time. If by then your child has adjusted to the classroom the teacher will probably ask to cancel the evaluation. If your child is still having trouble, then you have the ball rolling for an evaluation and you don't have to wait.

ETA: Full days are a bit much for a 4 year old. I would definitely continue with half days until grade one.

poor little guy. barely 4 years old, a schedule that's off the charts for confusion, and sick on top of it. that would make ME cry a lot.

does he HAVE to go to pre-k?

i suppose evaluation can't hurt, but i'm with you, i think it's incredibly premature. i hate it when schools blame tiny little people for not conforming to vast institutional rules.
khairete
S.

I think you have the fear of the unknown - what will happen if he's evaluated and they find something? I get that. It likely is your husband's concern also. You both thought everything was fine I'm sure until this point. And chances are it is. To me, it sounds like it's been an adjustment period and he's having a harder time than some. The skipped days and illness and half days are all probably a bit h*** o* him.

Personally - I would do something like have him go 1/2 days consistently for a while. Get him into a routine and stick with it (why not start small to start? baby steps ..) and do that for say a month. See how he adjusts.

Then ... if he's still experiencing problems, maybe have him evaluated. The only question I have though is what did they suggest the evaluation is for? Any indication? There can be so many things. It would be helpful if you either asked them for more information (what are their specific concerns).

When he cried most of the time - was this from feeling sick ... doesn't like school ... misses you .... it would be helpful to know what he was upset about. Then you might be able to address the route cause. Sometimes it's all just overwhelming and kids just stressed.

He may just be too young. Four is little.

My little one gets nervous from time to time. So we have the odd day or drop off where there's some tears and nerves. We just accept it and work through it and give her time to adjust. The teacher is absolutely ok with this. And it's gotten much better. But it really helps to be on board with the teacher. Then there's less stress, you have a plan, and the kids pick up on that.

So - I would do the half days, give your child plenty of time to adjust, don't make a big deal, give him time in the morning and re-evaluate in a few weeks' time. If you have to make a decision then (pull him out, evaluate him, etc.) you will be in a better position to make that choice.

Good luck :) I know it's hard to know what to do.

I wouldn't force the all day thing and I'd try to get a month of positive half days under his belt and then try full day again if you need to do full day. He sounds like a sensitive little guy who needs to be at home a little more. No need to rush it unless your schedule doesn't allow for 1/2 days. I also don't know much about the evaluation process, but I wouldn't mind having my child evaluated if the teachers are recommending it. They need to get kids into early intervention at that age or before, in order to do the most good. So, I'd rather know now, than be too late figuring out that my child has a problem.

I'd find a new school. That place sounds like they are clueless.

Any thorough evaluation is done in a controlled setting.

With days off, sick days, half days, etc., I am not seeing how the classroom is a controlled enough setting to isolate behavioral concerns.

As Julie S. said, evaluate for what?

I think you should wait awhile for the evaluation until his attendance is more consistent.

In the meantime, have them clarify their concerns and keep an eye on it yourself to see if you notice things. Keep your Ped involved also..

Is this his first time in any school? At this school? If he has been in school before there may be a record of what the teacher is concerned about and that would also be helpful.

Otherwise I would wait a while for the evaluation. He sounds functioning enough that waiting a few months to be sure services are needed will not impact him negatively.

Okay well it's just pre K so pull him out, he's not ready for "real" school. What's the big deal? Wait a year and see how K goes, he could grow/mature a lot between now and then. Why are you pushing him? He's FOUR. School isn't just about letters and numbers it's about maturity, social/emotional intelligence, way too many things to list here. And I hope you view this as a "positive" answer because that's what it is. Cut your kid some slack and give him another year at least.

If this is just pre k you can pull him out and give him time to mature.

That said these professionals spend all day with many many kids. If they are telling you that he isn't acting the way most 4 year Olds act then you might want to consider what they are saying.

Being smart doesn't give him a free pass. In fact a lot of behavior challenged kids can be book smart. Handling their emotions and getting along with others is the issue.

It's one thing for a kid to cry at drop off. If he is still crying an hour later, what do you want them to do?
You said he got mad when you picked him up from half days...was he just wearing a grumpy face and complaining or was he running around and screaming??

A lot of what you say can be typical young 4 yo behavior. But again. This school wants your money. They aren't going to try to send you for an evaluation unless they see something going on. ..that doesn't mean you have to do the eval. You can choose to keep him home another year.or look into homeschooling as a permanent option. .kids that are anxious and freak out all the time in large groups can probably handle being at home with mom just fine.

My thought had always been an eval will either reassure you nothing is wrong..which is great.. or it will tell you how to help you son..which is great. You son gets what he needs no matter which way it goes.

For hubby to say a lable will follow your kid..is silly. What sort of lable will then other kids put on your son if they see him acting weird with no one trying to help him.

That's like saying I am going to jump into walls and walk out into traffic because I am too vain to wear my glasses. If therapy or accommodations help your kid why would you not try it? It light get to the point like with contacts no one will notice because he will have the tools in place to handle life.

I assumed you checked this place out and felt comfortable with it before sending your child. So i would hope you trust them. I'm not sure how much your pediatrician would know from spending 10 minutes with your kid once a year. Unless you have ever discussed any concerns with him before.

These are just questions and comments I have from seeing this before when I worked in preschool. It was really hard to get kids help even if parents were on board.

My final question is just one for you to think about. When you are in public and you look at other kids your sons age how wide is the gap between how your son acts and how others acts? Is there any part of you that thinks hmmm. Ds is really hard to handle. He doesn't have the tools he needs to go with the flow and adapt.

If your gut says these pre k people are crazy and my son is fine. Then pull him out.

You have their suggestions, you have the dr suggestions. Pick a course of action. That you think will be best for your kid. Evaluation or time to mature.

If your doctor said not to get him evaluated then I would wait a little longer and see how he does. It's hard for little kids to be away when they are not used to it and IMO it takes some time to adjust.

Can you have him keep a small picture of you in his pocket or backpack. Maybe that will help him feel better. I used to put notes in my daughters lunch box when she was enrolled in school and she loved that.

This seems way more about social/emotional development than academic development. That is really the big focus in preschool anyway. I would talk more extensively with the preschool and see what their main concerns are. I do agree that you need to trust them to a certain degree. They see lots of kids day after day and they have a good feel for what is "normal", but you have to trust your gut too. What is it exactly they want to evaluate him for? Nothing will follow him for life unless he has an actual issue…and if he does have an actual issue it would WAY better to start dealing with it now.

In regards to the girl telling him he can't play with her brother, you just need to let that go. That is normal talk from kid to kid at preschool. It's not nice, but kids say stuff like that, you just need to teach him some skills on how to handle that stuff.

As far as him going half day, I don't see why you wouldn't, if it's possible for you that is. Once he starts school he's going to be gone from you all day every day. I truly believe if you have the means to keep him with you for more time, you should. If you're working full time and this is your best option, then maybe you need to consider a different preschool.

I'm just so confused by your question and most of the responses. I spent 3 years (2 years of PreK and most of kindergarten) trying to convince the school and teachers that my son needed to be evaluated. Our pediatrician gave us referrals, but the first agency gave us the run around for a couple of months and then gave him such a basic evaluation that he didn't qualify for anything except speech, which he was already getting privately. We asked for a referral to a psychologist, who finally gave a diagnosis that got us going with an agency ...

It's been a lot of work!!! We finally have a diagnosis and an IEP and an actual plan. And, he has a great teacher and is FINALLY starting to make some progress. That wasn't quite fair. He's always been making progress, but for the first time ever, he has come home on green (good behavior) for 4 straight days!

Some people have to fight tooth and nail to get their kids the services they need. You have the dream situation. Your son's teacher thinks she might be seeing something in him that concerns her, and she is asking your permission to have him evaluated. Why on earth would that concern you??? That doesn't make any sense to me at all. If she's wrong, the evaluation will show that. If she's right, the sooner you know, the better for him.

Teachers and principals care about students (or they wouldn't be in education). They want what's best for your child. But schools are also notoriously underfunded. Evaluations cost time and money, and special ed services cost time and lots of money. Schools do not have the resources to go around all willy nilly and evaluate children for no reason. Sometimes the financial pressure is so great that some kids don't qualify for services that they actually really need.

If your son's teacher thinks he should be evaluated, at the very least do yourself (and him) a favor and talk to her about it. Listen to her concerns. I mean really listen. She might be wrong, and wouldn't that be great!! But what if she really is seeing something that is off? And what if it's something that can be addressed right now?

I think you owe it to your son to at least hear what the teacher has to say.

Hi C.,

Evaluated for what? Given that you mentioned his ped, I'm assuming for something physical but there's a lot going on in your post. 4 is SO young and the transition into school is such a huge mountain to climb for these kids that are barely past being toddlers. And schools days don't seem to have a grasp on what kids are actually capable of socially, emotionally or intellectually these days.

If it were me, before I had him "evaluated" for anything, I would sit down with the teacher and have a conversation in greater depth about the specific concerns. Demonstrate by your demeanor that you see yourself as her ally in addressing these issues. Ask her if there are any home changes you can make that might help dovetail the two environments. Don't be confrontational but do drill down to the specifics. Is it the crying, is it the crayon, is it navigating the much more complex social dynamics. One can't come up with solutions without first defining a problem, if there, in fact, is one.

I've had these conversations with my DS's teachers over the years and they can be complex but they're so necessary, not only to resolve specific issues, but to demonstrate to your son that you are his first and best advocate and you will always have his back and support him during these difficult and challenging transitions.

One last, NEVER ignore your (what I call) mommy alarm. If that bell is going off under any circumstances listen to it and follow it every time. Every single time I've ever talked myself out of listening to mine, say because I'm thinking "well she's the expert", I've regretted it. You know your child better than anyone else on the planet and that makes you his most important advocate.

He'll get through this and so will you. I commend you for being so vigilant and detail oriented. He's lucky to have you. Good luck!!! S.

I am sorry you are going through this. Stick to your guns, their recommendation seems very premature and would, in my mind, set him back by only attending 1/2 days instead of helping him. He sounds smart and just needs some time to adjust. I see this in our school all the time. My DD and her close friends have been at that school since 9-12 weeks old! They are very comfortable there and rule the roost. On the other hand, we have new kiddos coming into that environment all the time - and I am sure it is super intimidating for the new kids entering their class. What would any of us do in that situation? Have a hard time adjusting and cry when left. Jeez - he is 4. The management's job is to integrate new kids and make the transition easier.

The teachers and directors of the school need to be better than what you are describing. I am a firm believer in letting a kid cry it out but management don't sound like they are helping at all. I would book an appointment with the director tomorrow and let them know that a) their suggestion is a lazy way of dealing with a very normal issue, b) THEY need to provide some suggestions which are productive instead of easy and c) if they don't figure this out in the next week you will pick a school who has better people that know how to deal with normal kids. For example, if he cries when you drop him off and he is still crying more than 30 minutes later - have they redirected, engaged him in something fun, tried a different teacher, made him their helper, etc? Doesn't sound like it. Perhaps one of the kids who has been there a long time can be appointed to be his buddy and special pal for a week. If they don't have any good ideas, I think you better look for a better school ASAP. Ask around and move him if necessary - don't wait and put him through more of this nonsense if the management is really that uncreative for such a normal issue.

The other thing I would do is spend more time in the class if he is truly remaining upset all day. They should be open to you attending class. If they aren't, that is a big red flag and I would move him ASAP. But - don't hang out after drop off. Drop him off, tears or no tears, and arrange to come back after lunch or for an afternoon reading, presentation about him or his favorite stuff, show and tell or whatever. He needs to get used to you leaving and ultimately become comfortable being there all day but it is ok to build up to it. Good luck to you and him and hang in there!!!!!

Could it be that by "evaluation" they mean sitting down as parents and teachers and talking about whether your son is ready for pre-k, or whether it would be better for him to attend half-days for awhile rather than full days? Could it be that they want to address how to help him adjust (which sometimes helps the parents as much as it does the child - by helping the parent use certain words, or drop off the child in a particular way)? Could it be that they want to make sure that he learns to hold the crayon properly so that in the future his writing skills and typing skills will be the best they can be? He may require a little extra help from a school specialist to master fine motor control.

An evaluation is not a life sentence. An evaluation can mean taking a closer look at how this particular child is succeeding or not succeeding and finding out how the child, the parents and the teachers can all work together so that learning is accomplished in the best way possible.

If they have told you they want him evaluated for a specific diagnosis, it seems too soon. If they want to evaluate - to look at, to examine - him, to help him adjust, to help him succeed, then that sounds positive.

And be prepared. Sometimes the school teachers and staff have certain suggestions for the parents. Be receptive. For example, if little Mollie screams and cries at the classroom door and the mother holds her tight and cries as well, and tells Mollie things like "mommy cries all day too and misses you too", the teacher may suggest to Mollie's mom that she drop Mollie off with a quick hug and wave, and put on a happy face and demonstrate to Mollie that Mollie's not going off to war, but simply spending the next few hours in a classroom with all the other kids. These evaluations often involve concrete suggestions for the parents, and sometimes we as parents find out that we've been contributing to the problem. It can be humbling, but when the advice is given in the best interest of our child, it's often good advice. I'm not saying that this is your situation, but just to be prepared and receptive because an evaluation often involves suggestions for how the parents can help in the educational process.

Evaluated to determine...what? It's not abnormal for a 3-year-old to not be ready for pre-k, or slow to warm up to it. Since he was sick, he hasn't even been there enough to know anything about his baseline normal. If everything is otherwise normal, it seems premature for the school to suggest it.

Now that said, if there are details about your son that you've left out - atypical behaviors, quirks, symptoms - then in the future don't be afraid of seeking answers. Sometimes parents try to avoid 'labels' that will 'follow' their child, but those labels are simply truthful reality. Avoiding them is to the detriment of the child.

First of all, NONE of this is going to follow him for life. Your husband is wrong and he needs to can that attitude.

Second, the school can't make you get an evaluation this quickly. You can wait it out.

Third, your son needs a chance to stay well so that he has some continuity. He hasn't had that yet.

I would like to recommend that he have some help with his hand. There could be an issue with his hand that some OT would help. Occupational therapy for a child is very common, C.. It will make a big difference for him.

Remember that he's really young. He does have to acclimate to this new environment. BUT, if he has an issue, like with his hand, you will be doing ALL your family a big favor by getting it addressed. I will tell you pointedly that my son, who is a sophomore in college, had to have a 2 years of OT (including for a problem with his writing hand) and 7 years of speech because of a submucous cleft palate. He had an IEP because of the speech. Did it "follow him" in school? NO. As soon as he was done with speech, that was it.

If your son still has trouble coping in school, THEN talk to the ped about an evaluation. I would recommend a children's hospital in your area and a psycho-educational evaluation. (That's not nearly as scary as it sounds, by the way. It's just what they call it.) It measures HOW he learns - what his strengths and weaknesses learning are (and yeah, we ALL have those), and what can be done to help him. It's good for the teachers because it helps them know how the child learns best. It also measures his IQ. The reason I recommend the private testing (and your medical insurance should cover the evaluation) is that the school has to go by the doctor's testing over their own.

If things even out for him, then you won't have to worry about testing.

And, C., you DO NOT need to feel bad. Honestly, school is hard for some children. Not all kids, particularly boys, are mature enough to deal with school. That's one reason why schools do a "readiness" test for incoming kindergartners to help assess them. LOTS of moms wait an extra year for their kids to go to Kindergarten, or send their kids to a transitional kindergarten instead, giving them time to mature. You especially don't want your kid being the youngest one in the class.

Good luck.

Can you just ask the school to wait another month or two to give him a little more time to adjust and see how he is doing. Then reassess if he needs to be evaluated. Also, at age 4 I had my kids go to pre-K for only three mornings a week (half days). Then Tuesdays and Thursdays they had the whole day hanging out with me. Some kids just are not ready yet for a full schedule at that age. Every child is different. I am curious what they want to evaluate him for? Have they told you this? He just sounds like he is having a hard time adjusting which happens with some kids.

i think that because of the illnesses your child needs additional time to ajust to the school setting and the school does not seem to be taking that into consideration.
have the school wait it out and see, if by thanksgiving there is still an issue then an evaluation should be made.

Well, if he's 4 and soon to be 5 I'd expect him to have some issues. I would not let them tell me he can only come half a day. Kids get sick sick sick that first month or two of school. I'd take him every day and leave him. He needs to adjust.

I would also like to say that when a teacher, who has years of experience with kids this age, sees a problem it stands out like a sore thumb. They may not have the training and education to be a doctor but they do see an enormous amount of kids and normal and something off are very different. They know what they see every day.

Your son hasn't been there enough for them to get a feel for his behaviors. Work with them so you can be sure they are getting to know him and will make that suggestion if and when it's warranted.

Is this private school? Most private schools can freely suggest things with no cost to them.

Public school as not as willing to suggest getting a child evaluated. The reason is money. Once the child is diagnosed with a need, then the school is often responsible for helping.

Are you afraid of a label? You are not required to announce it to people. He will still be the same child he was the day before the label. You are not even required to tell the school. The label will be helpful if his behavior needs an excuse.

If you are paying for private school and your son is having this hard of a time, You should look at other options. He might need to be in a different environment and could make a huge difference for him. I looked a few cheaper places and told my husband that I knew I would be complaining because of this or that, so we pick a place (still in our budget) that made my child comfortable.

?? Evaluated for what?? I get very aggravated when this time of year rolls around and I see posts from parents of very young children saying that the school or teacher is recommending an evaluation. When my son was nearly 4 and just starting Nursery school, his teacher demanded he get an evaluation. She was very aggressive and nasty about it. If you want to read the whole sad tale, you can look back in my posting history. I was extremely upset about it and went through a lot of needless worry and running around. It turns out this particular teacher was very inexperienced and way off base. Kiddo is almost 9 now and an extremely good student with tons of friends. He can be a bit emotional and sensitive sometimes, but that's just his thing.

I'm not saying you shouldn't keep an eye out for any issues, but at his age your son is far too young to be "evaluated" unless you have noticed major problems at home. Get him onto a more normal schedule and wait and see - that's what was recommended to me by the very wise man in charge of the evaluation program and he was very right.

Sorry, but after all this time, this still really gets my goat! Most teachers I've met are very smart and aware, but you can bump up against a bad one once in a while - or a bad school administration.

Oh, I just wanted to add a brag - all the teachers my son has had since that first one have absolutely loved him. This year's teacher told me last week that my son reminded him of what he was like at that age - a very eager learner. Amazing how a little time can change things. Best of luck and, evaluation needed or no, I hope things work out great for you and your son.

I would want to know what they wanted him evaluated FOR, like everybody else. There may be a Child Find program through your county and if it's a public school, they should have additional in-school or in the district resources for these evaluations, an IEP, etc. I suspect it is not a public school since they told you to bring him in half days only. Did you clarify with your son that not going back to school was just til he was well? Have you had any meetings with his teacher to see what could be helped? I think that just a few weeks of school seems early to dismiss him and his ability to adjust.

It seems you edited your post, as I see nothing here about your DH or your son's hand. If your son needs help, earlier the better. My DD used to have problems writing but now does well. She used to have problems with speech but now does well. Etc. My nephew resisted the "label" of ADHD, didn't take his medication or do anything for it, and ended up dropping out of HS. THAT is how a label would follow your child - if you do nothing and he struggles.

If this is strictly a private preschool, there are plenty. Consider finding him a play based preschool instead, perhaps with a young 4s or older 3s class if he needs more time to mature. My DD only went to preschool half days. Some kindergartens are half day, too.