Scared to Go from One Child to Two, Need Encouragement and Advice

I completely sympathize with you, N.. All of those fears, insecurities, and concerns are understandable. But at the same time they dont have to inhibit you doing things you want/need. It's a crazy paradox -- very much like the oxygen mask while flying on an airplane, they tell you to use the oxygen mask first before you would give it to your child, because they know full well that mommies can't take care of and tend to their children because they are passed out and have no oxygen. A little more dramatic of an illustration, but I think you can understand. I'm a SAHM with three kids, a 6 year old daughter, a 4 1/2 year old daughter, and a 1 1/2 year old son. I'm evidence that IT CAN BE DONE! LOL! Don't get me wrong, it takes time, effort, creativity, and open lines of communication with your husband. Those guilty feelings and unrealistic expectations of "having to do it all" will leave you exhausted, frazzled, bitter, and resentful. You do need time to take care of yourself and do things YOU enjoy. Just like a car, you won't go anywhere or do anything with an empty tank, and may even cause more damage to yourself and your loved ones by forcing yourself to be "Super Mommy". I tried! It's important to meet with other mommies and get adult interaction that way. Great friendships can result. And from that, a trustworthy group of women who can be part of a baby-sittig co-op can begin. Trade off nights, so you can get a date night with hubby. Find another lady who can watch your kids a couple hours to get groceries and errands done and do the same for her. Get involved in a Mom's Club or MOPS (Mothers of Pre Schoolers - moms of kids to age 5) group in your area. Mom's Club is more casual and informal, usually with calendar events that can be attended at your convenience. MOPS usually has on-site childcare so you can enjoy time with other mommies in similar seasons of life. They have guest speakers on parenting, education, marriage etc. Sometimes a fun craft or social gathering. And definitely make it a conscious team effort with hubby. Share those needs with him. I often ASSSUMED my husband would know my needs, I mean, couldn't he "tell" it's 2 in the afternoon and I haven't showered? LOL! No, they don't see things like we do. And it's not fair to put that pressure to tend to our needs that were never voiced. I'm guilty of that too! My two girls are 17 months apart...that would be you WITH another baby RIGHT NOW! I survived -- yay! Take time to discuss all these feelings with hubby. I believe that a marriage should be priority, yes, even before kids. I've learned that if I put my husband first, he is eager and much more willing to help with responsibilities around the home. It fuels a great connection with hubby because he is aware of what you want and doesn't have to play the guessing game. Be specific with him -- my hubby needed detail in my requests for help. Keep it simple...he will thank you for it! Sorry for rambling...hope it helps!

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you will love having 2 children, despite any struggles. you will figure it out. i have 3 children, 8 & 1/2, 5 and 8 months old. somedays are better than others and DH does try to help as much as he can. We only use family as sitters.

I think the benefits far out way the negatives. Your children will grow and always have eachother. Think about the long term effects, not just the immediate. Family is so important. My children will have friends for life, and a strong sense of family. Yes, it is an adjustment, but anything worthwhile is. Stop over analyzing this!

You will find time for everyone. And your heart will grow to find love for both your children. I can't remember a time when I didn't love all my kids- it just happens!!

I would recommend you find a support group. I am Pres. of my local MOMS Club, and we help moms so much with managing stress, and from feeling isolated. You need to have friends that are in the same boat as you are! Plus we trade babysitting favors all the time, and we have so much fun! I joined over 7 years ago when DS was a year, and it saved me and my family!! It is an amazing resource, i highly recommend!! check our chapters out at www.momsclub.org We have chapters all over!! Call me if you want more info or email me. ###-###-#### or ____@____.com :)

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Sounds like your kids would be spaced out like mine and I love that age difference. They have their moments of fighting, of course, but I cherish the times they really get into playing with each other. They are very closeand get along wel for the most part.
To be honest, the first 3 months after #2 were rough. It takes time for everyone to adjust. Since my son slept a lot at first during the day I still had tons of one on one time with my daughter. I changed her diaper when I changed his. She was excited to be a big sister and helper. When possible, one parent would be with our son and one with our daughter. You can still read, play games, sing, etc. while nursing the newborn. Remind yourself it is OK to have the house be messy =) Once you get a routine down, most everything will be similar to before. I use my crockpot a lot more.
It's OK to ask for help from family. There is no need to feel guilty because you are doing nothing wrong. Having family help out and spend time with your kids allows them to build their bonds and relationship whether it's grandparents, aunts, cousins, and so on. It also gives you that well deserved pedicure! Needing help isn't a sign of a bad mom just a tired one.
Join a moms group or start your own with friends and have a co-op babysitting. That will help with the isolation and give you a chance to meet people. Try a mom and me class through parks and rec or gymboree.
It's easy for us mommies to slip into resenting our hubbies since they are off at work all day and we are at home. Don't let this happen. He's not out there slacking off, he's slaying dragons to provide for his family. Given the chance, our hubby's would rather be home with us. Keep those home fires burning while he is gone and greet him every night with a smile (even the days you need to fake one),a hug and a kiss.
You'll never regret adding to your family. the family of four club is filled with lots of love and laughter.

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Wow, you need to get some one to talk to. I can tell you as a grandmother that I would love to be bothered with my grandchildren lots of times!! So check out the family. If you feel trapped with one it will get worse with two, you need to change the way you feel and the way you look at your life. Remember a couple of things, feelings are not always reality, not all strangers are bad and not all babysitters are flaky. If you are not in a play group, get in one, that will help you with your feelings of isolation. It will also open up a pool of people that will help you with your child and your emotional state. Look at the good things that will come of the second child. You are focused on the negative, and I would encourage you to write down all the wonderful things that are going to come with having a second child. You don't have to be a super mom, put on a hat, strap them in a stroller and take them to the zoo!! Find another mom to walk with, the kids love it, you are with them and another adult and it gives them fresh air and they take a great nap. YOU CAN DO IT. As far as deserving a break, your husband may work out of the house but he gets a lunch break every day, and if he likes you looking nice for him find that sitter and get a manicure and a massage while you are at it. If you don't take care of yourself first the rest of the family suffers anyway!! As a last not, there is a natural herb called Rhodiola that has been used for centuries as a mood lifter and an energy boost. You can get it at we-us.mychoices.com
I use it for menopause crabbiness, it is totaly safe, but don't just take my word for it, check it out.

Good luck, and take care of yourself.

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Hi N., Let me try and ease some of your fears, first all I have 3 kids, The fact tha you re going to try while your first child is 17 months is good, because when baby #2 is older both your kids will entertain each other, and you will not always have to be the entainer. I agree with your husband about no strangers watching your children, I was and still am a SAHM, my kids are grown now, but when they were little and I had to go and run arrands, I tried to do those on Saturdays when daddy was home, or I took them with me, we raised thenm to be very well behaved, so I had no problem really having my kids with me, plus they more you take them out in public, the more they larn how to behave in public, but we all need our time for us as well, so most of the time I had a friend go places with me, which gave me my girl time, but it also gave me the help I may have needed with my child, and I did the same for a couple of my friends as well. The sleepless nights, they don't have to be so sleepless, of lot of that is the parents own doing, when our babies were new born and would wake up to be feed, my husband and I both got up, if I was getting the bottle ready he would be chan ging the diaper, if he was getting the bottle ready then he would be changing the diaper. we made our babies together, so we shared the responsabilty togeter, and my husband was in the Navy and had to get up eary every morning for work, but still helped me with everything, by six weeks we had all 3 of our babies on rice cereal at night (MY MOMS ADVICE) and they started sleeping through th night, also we always rocked our babies to sleep, we NEVER EVER put our babies down and expected then to put themselves to sleep, our babies fell asleep loved and nurtured and we believe that is one of the reasons, we didn't go through all the sleepless nights that many do. When our children became toddles, we would gather in one room, and my husband would read the kids a story, they we would pray with them, by 2 they were already praying, then together we tucked them all in, they we had our own time together, having multi kids is great, those who tell you he oppisite, sweetie it is because of the way they did things. My husband and I tried to have our kids no more that 2 years apart, we had 2 boys first, they ended up 3 years and 4 months apart but they have always been close, no they are 25 and 22 and they have been the best of friends for years. are 22 year old son amd our 19 year old daughter are 2 years and 4 months and are very close to one another. our 25 year old is married and lives in Tucson Az, when we got visit our other son and our daughter stay with their big broher and sister inlaw, and my husband and I get a hotel and we have that time together, and our 3 kids have time together as well, and of course we all have time as a family, I'm in to tell you don't be affraid to have child numbet two. You may want to have your husband read this message, so he can see how doing everything in a partnership makes a big difference, and I'm only a message away if you need any encourangement of advice, I don't claim to kn ow everything but I do kno what worked for my family, I have been a mom for 25 years, my husband and I have been married and have worked together for almost 28 years, I'm going to give you my e-mail addres so you can write me direct, ____@____.com J. L.

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Hi, N.,

I felt much the way you do when I (unintentionally) became pregnant with my second child just six months after the birth of my first. I am busier taking care of kids now that I have two than when I had only one. I'm not so tired and anxious, though, that I can't enjoy some moments of parenthood of two. I hired a babysitter to help me a couple of times a week after my second was born because I needed the help to stay healthy and sane. (I attend graduate school part-time, and my husband is out of town most of the year.)

If you feel really apprehensive about having another child, I recommend that you tell your husband exactly what you have told us and that you NOT have another one. I believe that families of three can be just as happy, if not happier, than families of four or more.

Some of my friends say that they want to have more than one so that their only child won't be alone after they pass away. I appreciate them wanting their child to have company. However, I know quite a few people who want nothing to do with their siblings or other relatives. To help prevent offspring from feeling lonely after we (parents) are gone, I think that the most important thing to do is to help them develop social skills, an open mind and a compassionate spirit.

By the way, I have been through virtually every type of infertility treatment, especially high-tech infertility treatment, so if you have any questions about it, feel free to e-mail me.

Best wishes,
L. E

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I can't believe the horrible comment I saw! UGH! So to counter that...

Yes it will be challenging, but you can do it! Going out for a few hours a week (get a sitter if your husband can't watch your kids) is nothing to feel guilty about! I don't have a nanny, but I do have a regular, trusted sitter for my sanity. No guilt. (I never used a teen - they are flakey. I found a 21 yr old who has been with us since my son was 1.5 yrs old.)

The best thing you can do for yourself is find some parent education class in your area (most are very affordable) that way you can learn about child development.

I'm speaking as someone who has made mistakes. I did "too much" for my youngest, now 8.5 (I'm 40 and want a 3rd) and I wish I knew then what I know know. Read POSITIVE DISCIPLINE by Jane Nelson.

Nobody is able to "do it all" by themselves. Even in other cultures, mothers and mother-in-laws (and grandmothers) lend a hand and help.

The thing that saved my sanity when I was a first-time mom was finding mommy friends. I found mine at my local La Leche League meetings (free breastfeeding support). But there are LOTS of mom's groups.... Mothers and More, MOPS, etc... Taking a class will also help you make friends.

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As I started reading your concern about having a second child I immediately thought you should just not have the second one if all those things bother you, then when I got to the end and saw you were 37 I understood. I am 80 and have my second one at 21. It's a whole different "ball of wax" and although you are always going to fear the unknown, by the time you've reached 37 and had all that free time I can understand. My granddaughter just had her first at 35 and she had so many more concerns than I did having my first at 20. She has talked about having a second one already but I don't know if that's fair to you or your child. Two year olds are a handful in themselves and I think it would be for fun for all of you to raise the one you have at least until he is 3 and that will give you all some breathing room as you can spend so much more time with him and they are like little sponges at that age so you could spend your time with him and teach him all kinds of things and read to him where if you go back into the baby stage it is time consuming and like you say it is going to fall mostly on you. I had my second one when my daughter was a year and a half and she just recently told me (at age 60) how much she resented the intrusion. My next sister didn't come until I was 6 and I still resented her for a long time, but 6 years is too long to have all the attention and then have it taken away. So pray about it and do what makes you feel most comfortable...Love and God Bless...Tillie

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Can you talk about it with your Husband openly, and perhaps show him this posting? Since your feelings comes through honestly and loud and clear here. Perhaps, he will then truly understand how you feel, and hearing from other Moms?
Don't worry, you are not the only one.

Maybe just wait... until your first child is older, then have another baby.

For me, my children are 4 years apart... and it was much "easier" because then my girl was just about 4 years old when her brother was born... and she was more mature by then, and the transition was more manageable. We didn't plan for them to be 4 years apart however, it just happened.

I was just getting used to more "freedom" as my girl got older...then we decided to have another child. I also felt a little nervous about giving up my growing independence..but, we really wanted a 2nd child. So we started trying to conceive. It took a few months. Even while pregnant I would feel nervous sometimes about undertaking another baby in addition to our first child. I didn't know if I could handle it all... and I am a SAHM too. And I too do mostly everything, as most Moms do.

But, it is fine. I am happy. I LOVE being a 2 child family. My daughter LOVES her little brother to bits. YES, it is more busy, lots busier. But, it's okay. It's normal.

The thing is... you have to WANT to have another baby. It will fall into place. AND Hubby HAS TO COMMIT TO IT FULLY... AND HELP. EVEN MORE SO, WITH A SECOND BABY. And yes, there will be lack of sleep and ALL those things.

If you have Grandparents nearby or close family friends, they can help you baby-sit perhaps? You will need to get away and have time for yourself....HUBBY HAS TO UNDERSTAND THIS. Does he? He can't expect you to do EVERYTHING and baby-sit too, while he does not. It's not fair. So, he has to FULLY COMMIT to having a 2nd baby and all the RESPONSIBILITIES as a Dad. It takes BOTH parents.

You seem very stressed about getting pregnant now... this is why I suggest you wait. Do you HAVE TO conceive NOW? Think about the age spread between the kids... when your present child is 2 yrs. old, this is a busier and trickier, more difficult time for kids, developmentally. Be ready for that.

and YES... you will have to also make time for BOTH kids. ESPECIALLY your 1st child, once another baby comes... so that she can adjust to things and the changes SHE will have too, as being a "sibling." HUBBY NEEDS TO DO THAT TOO.

I say, make EXTRA sure that you want to get pregnant now...as you seem VERY ambivalent about it.

For me, I think having kids spaced 3-4 years apart is more manageable. But that is just me, and how it turned out for me and Hubby. My friend, also have kids that are 3 years apart, and she is 'glad' too, for that spacing.

Each woman is different. But you as a woman has EVERY RIGHT to have time off for ONLY yourself... and for those times, HUBBY HAS TO BE WILLING TO BABY-SIT, TOO. For his wife. THAT IS THE ROLE A HUSBAND HAS TO UNDERSTAND. It's his kids too.

take care,
Susan

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I am just about to deliver my 2nd child in March, and my son is 2, so the age difference will be 28 months. I'm also experiencing a little bit of anxiety, but a few things that have kept me "sane" is building a good support system. I am part of the MOMS Club of Monrovia (if you are a resident of Duarte, Monrovia, or Bradbury, you can join this specific chapter). The other moms have been so great and supportive, especially when you are about preparing for two. We share advice, provide meals for each other when the baby arrives, and offer care if you need just a little alone time. There are various activities that are planned during the month, so that your children can have playdates and you can spend some time chatting with other moms. I've been reluctant to hire babysitters, and we also utilize friends and family. My MIL does a lot of sitting because she lives with us, but my mom isn't too far away. Then I go down the list of available Godparents and then friends from church who I know have experience in child care. I haven't asked other moms in MOMS Club, but a few have offered, especially when you need to run those errands that will go much faster without a toddler on your heels.

Ask your DH to watch the kids every once in a while so that you can get some pampering time. When we have MOM Nights Out, sometimes the hubbies will get together with the kids while us moms enjoy dinner or maybe a movie...sometimes we have mani/pedi nights. We all try to be superwomen as SAHM, but we need to make sure we care for ourselves every once in a while so that we can give our family our best.

With that said, I have yet to find out what it is like to have two, especially since my DS is not on any specific schedule. His flexibility is both a blessing and a curse. So, we'll see how #2 is as far as routine and personality. That also makes a big difference in setting some order at home. If you and your DH are ready to have a second child, don't let fear keep you. Surround yourself with other moms who understand what you are going through and make sure your DH knows your concerns. I've already let my DH know that he is responsible for having more daddy time with our toddler, so that I can spend more time with the baby. Don't be afraid to ask family...many times they want to be around your children - but, only if you are comfortable with them.

Good luck!

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Nothing - NOTHING - changes your life like having your first child. Being a mom is a 24 hour a day job. Having 2 kids will not make it a 48 hour a day job. Your second child will not rearrange your universe the way the first one did.

I have 4 kids, and have had foster kids. Each time, I worried that I would be too exhausted, too distracted, too busy, too overwhelmed, but I wasn't. Your world expands to include whatever and whoever you need it to. Your heart is infinitely expandable.

I also feel that having one or more siblings teaches kids to think about others, realize that everything will not always be about them, compromise, share, even argue with someone you love, all skills they will need in later life. Learning inside the home is the best kind of learning.

It sounds like you need to give yourself permission to get a sitter, and to have any interests outside your family. These things are not a luxury or a distraction. They are an investment in your mental health, and what makes you a whole human being. Even a monthly night or afternoon out will do wonders for your state of mind. I recommend trying to get out with your husband once a week, and having some regular activity for yourself.

Good luck. Mom! You'll do great.

1 mom found this helpful

I have 2 daughters that are 26 months apart. At first it was pretty easy. The baby sleeps and eats. Then it got harder, now it's getting a little easier again. My girls are 2 1/2 and 4 1/2. I do feel like I have VERY LITTLE time for myself. But have recently decided that I need my time too! That's very important for a mommy to be happy. As moms we always feel guilty for taking time for ourselves and that really not right!

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I'm a 38 year old SAHM of now two children with almost the same concerns that you have. We had a real problem sleeper the first time around and really struggled with whether or not we should have a second. There was a LOT of pressure to do it - there are a lot of prejudices out there about only children. I really wanted my little boy to have a brother or sister but like you wasn't sure about the huge amount of work. After having one I wasn't even sure that I should have had kids. Of course I love him and he has brought so much to our lives, but again like you, was an older parent so had quite a life before having him.

So we eventually decided to do it, mostly to round out my oldest. We wanted them to be about 1-2 years apart but then of course things didn't go like we planned. I got pregnant right away with the first but the second one took 2 years! I never found out what the problem was but nevertheless that is how nature did it.

So now I have 2 sons, 3 1/2 years apart. It is a LOT of work. The youngest is now 10 months and I am so OVER not getting sleep, breastfeeding, juggling them both etc. But there are some real positives. The age difference is enough that the oldest still has different interests (and probably always will) so isn't competing with the little one. The baby has already taught my oldest some lessons about life (not getting all the attention, not getting everything you want) - lessons I never would have been able to teach him. And there is just something so special about him having a friend and buddy to share stuff with. I am blown away by the love that I see the older one give the youngest.

I really really miss my old life sometimes. It is a strain on my husband and I and I often feel like we're putting our marriage issues on hold until after the kids are bigger. My mother is around now and that makes all the difference in the world. In fact, she's watching them in the other room now so I can do my e-mail stuff. Just that few hours a week to yourself helps immensely. Don't ever feel like that is a luxury. I come back to my kids much happier and that helps them. I was overseas with the first child and didn't have help and also felt that it was my responsibility so did it all myself. I would never do that again. My advice - ask family, have them commit to a small amount of time and let yourself be free of the guilt. I feel 100% better this time around and that makes this even possible. I have less energy this time around and 2 requires a lot. One child feels like one - 2 feels like 5. I give everything I have to my children since I tend to be a bit of a perfectionist and I care deeply for them. I have nothing left for myself or my husband but I can't help it.

I was really worried about losing the special relationship that I had with my older son. That is not the same. He's getting older (now 4) so he is changing anyway. I don't know if that is from just getting older or from having a second.

Anyway - the bottom line...I don't know. I hate that society & relatives made me feel like I couldn't just have one. I miss travelling, going out and even working. You'll get through the sleepless nights but it takes a looong time. I guess this rambling e-mail probably doesn't make it extremely clear...but it isn't and wasn't even with the first. I love both of my little guys but we are definitely done!!! All of your worries are valid and true. You will be more isolated and lonely and have even less for yourself. But this beginning difficulties do fade away (to be replaced by other things) and you will gradually get your old life back. A second delays that but it will return! Good luck!

Hi N.,
Kudo's to you for having enough gut's to admit that you are a little nervous!!!!!! It is scary, but in my opinion, IT IS WORTH IT!!!! I am not sure if you are an only child or not, but I have a brother and as I am aging in this world, I am thankful everyday that I have him and that we can deal with our parents aging together. Plus, he has a family now and he is just fun to be with. I just have to say though, that it is all in what you and your husband make it. I am a stay at home Mom too and I have two daughters, now 7 and 5 and they are the BEST of friends. Follow your heart and do what you think is best for your family. Good luck to you.

I too felt very similar when I was pregnant with my second. By the time my second arrived my first born was 1 1/2. I recall crying to my husband that his life continued on as normal while my whole world changed.

To be truthful it was very difficult. I could no longer do everything as easy as before; I felt even a stop at Starbucks was overwhelming because it required getting two kids out of the car. I feel it was so difficult not specifically because there were 2 children but because my first born was soooooooo needy and not very independent. Everyone at work gave my encouragement and told me with time it would get better and it helped a little but inside I thought my situation was unique and that no one understood.

I WAS WRONG! It did get better and I got better. I learned to be a mom of 2 children and stop comparing it to my old life as a mother of 1 child. I learned to make time for myself and my husband learned to help out more. :) I felt that my little family was now complete (until the surprise 3rd child came along). My boys are now 3 and 5 and the best of friends and I get much more time to myself and when it comes to sitters they are less work.

I hope my words were encouraging and not discouraging.
P.S. Looking back, I wouldn't have had it any other way and to be honest I wish I had more children.

N.,
Your fears are normal. I’ve always known I wanted 3 kids – then it happened and I wondered “what the heck was I thinking”… But seriously, children are a blessing. There are so many people out there unable to conceive it makes me thank God that I was truly blessed.
Back to the having a 2nd child - Will it be more work? YES. Will you lose your independence? Yes. My daughters are exactly 1 year and 1 week apart. (I know I barely waited my 6 weeks before I conceived the other) – Everyday is HARD Work, Motherhood is a JOB with no pay and no vacation and no sick time. But you know what, you do it. I don’t know how but as mothers we just manage. And you get to hold those precious little things in your arms and love them up. They’ll make you laugh, cry, scream, but there is no other love like it.
I understand how you feel about the sitter. My own mother has told me “It’s hard enough getting a sitter for one let alone TWO” but as they get older, it becomes easier. Don’t ever think getting a sitter is a luxury. You’re entitled to a break too. A happy mom makes a happy home. You’re not being selfish you’re looking out for your family. My DH had a problem with letting other people watch our kids too but after we had our 1st Date Night after the kids were born he realized that maybe getting a sitter once in a while so that we can have some ‘quality time’ is not such a bad idea. Now we try to have at least 1 date night a month.
I wish you well. You know in your heart how much you can handle. Just take it one day at a time.

I went through the same feelings. I watched many of my friends who had two kids close together struggle with one in the terrible twos and a newbnorn. I didn't think I could handle that. So we waited a little longer. My kids are 3 1/2 years apart and that was a little easier for me to deal with. My older one was in preschool 3 days a week and so I had some one on one time with the baby. Also, she had something to do, so she didn't feel left out. She could be a good helper and could entertain herself for a little while. She also had a better concept of time and a little more patience so I could say "We can do that in 5 minutes" or "I can help you when the baby is napping" and she could understand that. Big bonus, she was potty trained so I didn't have 2 in diapers! I was 38 when my second was born so I was and "older" mom too(no offense!).

I feel the same way as you do... and so for now we're not planning on a #2. Make sure it's what you want :)

First of all you need to talk to your husband about the way you feel. He shouldn't force you into having another child you're not completely comfortable with having. Second he needs to get more involved NOW or you're probably right, everything will fall on your shoulders, and that's not fair at all.

I'm so glad you put this out there. I'm 33 years old, have a 25 month old little girl and will start trying this month for baby #2.I too am so freaked out about what this will entail.I am just able to enjoy my mornings off while she is now in preschool 3 days a week and know my life will return to all baby and no me time once the baby is here. Know that you are not alone in having mixed feelings with having baby #2. I too love my ME time and independence but I just try to remember that I don't want my daughter to grow up an only child no matter what and how much i actually loved hsving a baby at home. Good Luck to you and Happy Conception!
-M

Last year at this time I had just found out I was pregnant with number 2. My first baby was a little over five months old. Now I wake up everday and try to make it through. I have a highly active 17 month old and a strangely mellow 3 month old. From what I have been told is that the first year is the suckiest. This is the hardest job I have ever had, not kidding. No matter what, having more than one will be a challenge no matter the age spread. Good luck to us all, it has to get easier over time!

For us, it was hard, but not that bad. Our girls are 4 years apart so it was easier. Since you are so nervous, can you wait another year? I think it would be easier when your oldest is out of diapers, etc. But if you want them two years apart, just remember, millions of people have kids 2 years apart or less and they lived through it! You will be glad they are close in age when they are older. DON'T feel guilty about a babysitter - just push that guilt right out of your mind. You NEED that time for yourself. If you aren't in a playgroup, join one. That saved me. I LOVED my playgroups for each of my kids and they loved them too. You have to remember that this is just a season, and it will pass, and it all seems overwhelming when you look at the long haul, but if you take it one day at a time, it's not so bad. Just try to look at the positive of it all, that you have beautiful healthy children and they WILL grow up! I realize I make it sound like bringing up babies is so dreary, but I LOVED the baby stage even though it was so hard, and little by little it does get easier. My kids are teens now and I'm going through a different kind of "hard times" so enjoy this stage!! Good luck! And remember, get a babysitter when you can and as much as you can afford it because you need your sanity!

Hi there -

I have two daughters ages 4.5 and 2.5. They are so close and play together so nicely. The first year was tough - the first two actually. But it is so worth it. 2-3 years apart is ideal. More than that and they don't play together as well. I felt the SAME way you are before my second. I am now 39. You don't want to wait too long as it might not be as easy to concieve, risks of advanced maternal age, etc. I still feel guilty about sitters but with them together it is easier. They have each other. It is so cool to see the interaction. Hope this helps. I say go for it if you have a supportive husband. G.

Thanks for staying home and raising your child, wish more people did. Also, thanks for actually thinking about having 2 children... MANY people don't think then you see divorces... due to stress. Sounds like you're not ready for #2 yet. There is nothing wrong with having one child that you raise well. ALOT of research shows the benefits of having ONE. Pray about your dilema. Find a mommy group to entertain your 17m old and for support for yourself. Look at libraries for story times, parks & rec... You'll find other mommies that you can switch off babysitting with too.

It sounds to me like you're not ready. Why don't you wait a little longer? I personally think #1 should be potty trained before #2 - that way you don't have two in diapers. My two oldest were 3.5 years apart and the oldest was a great little helper with the new baby. Meanwhile, take a deep breath, and relax. Things just have a way of working out. Just take it one day at a time and try not to stress too much. I know you say you don't want to burden family with sitting, but sometimes that's what they want to do. I love it when I get a chance to keep my nieces and nephew! Good luck.

If you need encouragement to have a child - you are not ready. It will not be a happy experience.
All that you listed above - you are right, all that will happen - it does ALL fall on you as the mother, and realistically, there will be very little time for you for about the next 3 to 4 years, until they start pre-school.
BUT having said all that - when you can look at all the work, resposibility, still have fear and yet say "I want another! Yes, yes, I so want another!" Then you are ready.
I too felt that as a SAHM I should be able to do it all - but it was soooooooo obvious that I couldn't. So I got household help, a mother's helper. I poosted an ad on Craig's list, and that has made all the difference.
Good luck!

Hi N.:)

Congratulations for making this difficult decision. You are wise to ask the questions concerning you in advance. It can be intimidating to go from one little one to two, especially when you feel that all the responsibility is on you. BUT, what a wise thing you are doing for yourself and your first child.

First, you are providing a playmate for your child. It may seem like forever, but within a couple years, they will be playing together, and you will have more free time, you will be less bound to watching their every move and feeling responsible to play and entertain your children, they will do that for you. Children need siblings for friendship and a thousand other reasons, so it will help you and your child.

Do not give up all your time! You and your husband need to take time each week to be together. Start small, if you must, a half hour walk or drive, take your child to a sitter, or bring one in. Sites like this have good suggestions for sitters, or check with your church for reliable sitters. There may even be older ladies who will be happy to come to your home or take in your child.

Start now taking time for yourself during the day, too. You must nurture yourself if you will ever be able to nurture two children, or even one. Do something for yourself when this one naps, or get someone to watch her while you take that personal time. Yes, you feel torn, but you need the time for YOU! You will find that while the second child naps, you will have the one on one time, and as the smart woman that you are, you will manage all this. Two children is just a bit more overwhelming than one, but only for a short time! They will soon be taking care of each other. You will not regret having a second child.

A.
A mom of 5, grandmom of 4.
Working at Home to Live a Healthy Life
http://www.WomensDreamTeam.com/Angel

If your husband is going to help more, he should help with the daughter that you have now. He can spend Daddy time with her while you get a manicure.

A 17-month-old is a lot of work, but let me tell you, a 2 y/o is a lot more!
As far as your "independence," you lost it when you had your daughter.

It sounds like you are not ready for a 2nd child... but in the end it is your decision and I send you good wishes, whichever path you choose.

Hi N.,
You need the regular support, encouragement and information that only a good Mommy and Me group can provide, just like the rest of us! Should you be interested in finding a Jewish Mommy and Me group in your neighborhood, I can help. Feel free to contact me anytime; the Concierge service is complimentary!
Best,
D.
D. Markovic
Concierge for Jewish Education
Bureau of Jewish Education of Greater LA
###-###-####
____@____.com
http://www.jkidla.org

I am going through the same thing. My son is 21 months and my husband really wants a second asap. I work so I have been used to leaving my son with family and close friends, but it is still hard. I also understand wanting child #1 to still have some 1 on 1 time. I have a friend who has a sitter come to her house a few times a week while she is home so she can spend quality time with her first son. You can also use sitter time to nap and revitalize yourself. If you don't feel comfortable leaving the kids with a sitter, you don't have to leave the house.

Sounds like you need to form a few relationships with other moms who are in the same boat as you. Do you take your daughter to playgroups or story tome or anything? I took my first to a baby-gymnastics class and I invited all the kids in the class to her second birthday party. That was the beginning of forming a relationship with the other moms and kids in the class. After that, we started scheduling playdates at parks and then at each other's homes. If someone had an appointment or something, the other moms would watch their kid(s) while they went and we would take turns. It was pretty nice. Since starting school, my kids all have different friends, but I have really looked for other kids/moms to foster those kinds of relationships with. It is a huge blessing. Most other SAHM's are in your boat, and as long as you feel comfortable with the other family, and they with you, you can carpool, drop your kids off so you can go to the dentist, etc.

I'm not gonna kid you, the first several months with #2 is really a challenge. Infants are demanding and so are toddlers/preschoolers. But #1 will form a relationship with #2 and they will play together and all will be well. Good luck with your decision. It really is a short term burden, but I am soo glad that I have 2 kids!

This is one of the most important decisions of your life. Sure you may find out that your fears are unfounded. The bigger question is what if your gut is telling you what you need to know? There is far more at stake if you get this wrong and go ahead with your plans to have another child. I was “older” when I had my children and I did not have much outside support. I know how scary it can be. If I were you I would take the chance of not having more and wait until I was ready. My children are 4 years apart; they get along well and always have. I was not nearly as overwhelmed as I would have been if they were only 2 years apart. I know it’s hard when others like your husband or relatives insist that you have the amount of children they want on their time table. I went through that too. Your first concern is the child you have now and being the best parent you can be. To make that happen, you must take care of yourself. That means emotionally as well as physically. It is alright for you listen to your fears and respect them.

WOW! You sound exactly like me when I was thinking about this same transition! I ended up waiting MUCH longer - my kids are 3 1/2 yrs apart!! I know exactly how it feels to have pressure from everyone around you...when are you gonna have another one....you can't have an only child ... that son of yours needs a sibling before he gets spoiled ... stupid insensitive comments. To be honest if I had listened to MY gut I would've only had the one. Of course I love my second child but given all those feelings, (many of the exact feelings you described) it was a very hard transition for me and yes the loss of one on one time with my first was almost like a grieving process and left me feeling terribly torn. I feel like I bonded well with my second and cared for him with love and all that, but there were times when I definitely felt resentful. And my husband was insistent that we should have another one and I told him I would need more help but you're right - it IS all on us moms. Well, for sure in my case it is. Hubby did not step it up the way I would have hoped, we used to have Grandma to watch the first one occasionally but I didn't feel comfortable with her being able to handle two, so I lost my childcare (which was rare anyway - I stay home as well). ANYWAY... I'm so sorry in your first line you asked for encouragement and this certainly isn't an encouraging note!!! But I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone, that your concerns are very VALID and that you should really think it through a lot more, talk to hubby, listen to your inner feelings (It is YOUR choice after all! Wish I would've done that!) You have plenty of time to think it over! If you wish to contact me I would be most happy to talk back and forth about this. It is nice to have someone to talk to who isn't all about "more the merrier" or "I want a whole houseful of kids" or whatever. If you don't feel that way then you just DON'T and that's O.K.!! Whatever happens, I wish you all the best~ Janet

Hi N..

Your worries are completely understandable. I went through the same thing. My daughter is 28 months and my boy is now 7 1/2 months, she was all of 13 months old when we decided to get pregnant with our second baby and 21 months old when he arrived. I have to say it was a big change to go back to those insane sleepless nights and all the crying but, I just had to keep reminding myself that it's all "temporary", it gets better as they get older. We chose to have them close in age so they can grow up together, I think it's the best thing for siblings to be able to enjoy each other. Sometimes I do feel bad because, there is no way I could ever give my little one as much attention as I did my first but, I also have to keep in mind that the one who really needs more attention is "still" the big one since she really knows the difference. I too don't get too much help from Daddy, though he does try to play a lot more with the big one to make sure she doesn't feel neglected in any way. I have a full time job that actually pays me and I still have to go home to my other full time job of being a housewife (no pay of course). I don't think this is fair but, it just seems to be the way things go - for some crazy reason, men (most men) feel their "work" hours are only those they put in in the office and we on the other hand know that there is always something that needs to be done. I still think it was a good decision because, they're starting to play together now and that means the world to me. More work? - oh yes, more nagging? - you bet, worth it? - definitely! We are now in the middle of planning another (third baby), if we do this it would take place when our 7 month old turns 1, now this is a hard one for me. Not too sure how I'm possibly going to make this work but, I feel I want more and again I want them to be close in age. thinking pretty hard about this one but, the second one was planned out with no troubles. I think it would be easier (and harder) if I was a stay at home Mom - at least I would only have one job but, I know it's a very hard one too. Don't think about it too much, it will be fine, like I said it's all temporary - they get better and soon you'll see them enjoying each other and you'll forget all about the stuff in the past. As far as baby sitters, we don't really have all that except for going to work, I find it easier to wake up earlier on Sat. or Sun. and leave them at home with their Daddy for an hour or two. We don't get to spend too much time with them so weekend comes around we want to have them with us even though they're work. Needless to say I haven't had a manicure since before my second pregnancy - I slowly learned to live low maintenance, I think it narrows down to not having time more than anything. It's true, I don't have too much time alone with Daddy but, we are pretty wrapped up in the babies so it seems to be ok - for now.

I hope this has helped you out some, please let me know.
Best of luck, M.

N.,
Having another child is a blessing not an inconvenience. You listed so many negative things reguarding having another child. Instead, you should focus on the positive things like your baby will have a sibling, someone to grow up with, a life long friend, you will have another beautiful child to watch grow, etc. You are 37 & not getting any younger so if you want another child the time is now. As women get older, having another child gets more complicated. Also, these children will get older & grow up so you will have time to yourself again not to mention all the time you had to yourself before the child you have now. You should really look into play dates or mother's groups you can get support from. I have 4 kids, so you will adjust. Something to think about: God will not give you too much you can't handle. Good luck

Hi N.,
You have too much advice already. Trust yourself.
All I have to add is that if you are feeling isolated a MOPS group (Mothers of Preschoolers, that is children between ages 0-and Kindergarten) is a grat place to be with a bunch of mommies going through the same stuff. You will make friends and posibly find other moms to swap childcare with. Thast will give you both a chance to get some alone time and a chance to practice having more than one little one to care for.

Hi, N.. You've gotten a ton of advice already, but I thought I'd add my two cents. :-)
My dad told me once that the only thing he regretted about having kids was not having more (there were 4 of us). I have 5 birth kids and 3 steps. I don't regret a minute of it and would have more if we could. Every one is different and unique. I am blessed every day to watch them. They are each other's best friends, biggest aggravations and biggest supporters and defenders.
It is challenging to go from one to two, but well worth it! Good luck.

Hi N.,

It sounds like you've received a lot of good responses and I didn't have a chance to read through all of them, but I wanted to tell you about a babysitter company I found. The place is called sittercity.com and you make a profile and can post a job along with your requirements for a sitter and they apply for the job. My husband and I decided that once a month we would like to have someone come to our house while we were there so we can get some stuff done around the house without having to be too sidetracked, but still be able to be there for our son. We decided it would also be a good way to get to know the sitter before we use her for a night out for us. Many of the sitters on the site have background checks available, and the site allows you to run a background check for only $10. You can ask for cpr trained, etc. We received over 20 responses when we posted and I would say about a dozen of them were someone we would be willing to try. Haven't tried anyone yet, but so far the service is great. You might want to try it out.

And, just remember, when you're on an airplane, they always tell you to put the oxygen mask on yourself before you help children and others...In other words, you're no good to your family, if you're not taking care of you;)

I think most moms will agree that taking care of the second child is so much easier. You've already done it and this time you're a pro.= less stress about doing it right. I would like to point out the importance of spending time alone with your older child to keep your bond secure. Even if this means putting off housework while the baby is sleeping to have a teaparty with your two year old and some stuffed animals, it can make all the difference in the world to a big brother/sister. Another thing that can be helpful is referring to the new baby as "our" baby and including your older child in the baby's care. Maybe for a birthday present you could ask for a housecleaning service instead of perfume or whatever. As far as babysitters go- I feel ya. With my first son family practically fought over who got to babysit- with my second son- nada. Things changed in between kids, everyone got busier. You could always wait a little longer to have baby #2 and by then maybe your older child will be ready for some part-time preschool or your husband might feel better about leaving him/her in non-family car sometimes. Hope this helps!

Hi N....

To me, it seems pretty clear that you are not ready to have another. You need to live your truth... be honest with yourself. There is no timeline that says you NEED to have another child right now and if you are not happy, your children will feel it. Please, do yourself a favor and allow your feelings to flow and HONOR them. No one will benefit if you do otherwise.

In Light~
J.

Is it possible for you to wait a year or so before having another baby? My first was 3 and a half when my second child was born which I think was a good spread. At 3 1/2 my first wanted more independence and was more interested in playing with others his age so shortly after my second was born he started preschool.

Just remember that the first year is always the hardest. It does get easier from years 2-4 and then pretty smoothly once they are in kindergarten. Like everything in life that is worthwhile things might be hard in the beginning but it will not stay that way. Good luck to you.

Hi N., I think you're going through normal anxieties/realities. You will adapt to having 2 kids, and you will be able to love both of them. The only thing is "feeling you should be able to do it all". I went through that same feeling (although I worked part time),...and it's setting yourself up for failure. No one can do it all. I tried- and had major depression after child #2 and #3- partly because of the increased demands, with little help from my husband.

You need to trust yourself enough to find a sitter. Also- someone you can get together with and have fun with both with and without the kids. Do it- I didn't and paid a big price.

In spite of everything, I did enjoy my 3 kids- and they continue to be highlights of my life. Best wishes.

Hi N.,

My advice would to be to wait a while longer before having another baby. Although they would end up being two years apart, you have to remember pregnancy can bring many feelings on - physical and emotional, so the changes occur before the baby is born. I only advise you to wait because you sound very unhappy and unsatisfied right now. Maybe work on finding a balance of what you need and then things will fall into place and you'll know when you are ready to have another baby. My three children are about 2 1/2 - 3/4 years apart. Yes is what/is very busy and I'm pulled in three different directions, but I was up for it and truly wanted all that having babies involved. We are all different, so follow your heart and find that comfortable balance in your life.

Another thing to remember is that once you have children, your life will never be what it was previous to having them. Try and focuss on the blessings and all the precious and wonderful things that motherhood brings!

All will work out for you, I'm sure! Take care.

P.S. Getting involved in a play group like someone suggested sounds good. We all need support and socialization!

My thoughts for you:
1. Two is easier than one. I was so much more relaxed with two. They will have each other to entertain. They will always have each other, no matter what happens to us (the parents)
2. Utilize family if they offer. You say you don't want to bother them, but if they offer, it must not be a bother. Do you have other friends with kids that you can trade time? This is what I did when my kids were little.
3. I was afraid that I couldn't possibly love Baby #2 as much as I loved Baby #1......Wrong! I also made time for each one seperately, whether it was reading a story or playing outside.
4. You sound overly anxious and people may be picking up on this. That may be why you have trouble finding a sitter. Do you have a neice or nephew who could sit and earn a few extra bucks? Try one out for only an hour and see how it works out. Then you can transition to longer bouts of time.
Good luck!

N., Having one more or five more is really no different. At least for me it wasn't. I have 3 boys and I won't lie to you, it's HARD but well worth it. How did you feel after your first? I am the same when it comes to asking for help, but you'd be amazed at how much everyone wants to help. And don't feel guilty because your a SAHM. Sometimes you just need to get away! The only thing I can recommend is to prepare your daughter for the next sibling. Really get her involved. It helped me when I had the second one. There was no jealousy when baby #2 arrived. And he was a handful(and still is)!!
Good Luck. M. A.

I had the same fears and they are well warranted. I was pressured into having a second child by my husband who came from a large family. I felt like it's kind of hard to mess up one kid. I felt like if I had two then one child would eventually feel the need to complete some sort of role in the family..ie. "the rebel" etc. I loved being able to devote myself completely to my daughter with out comparisons or competition.
I was right. Listen to your gut. I was a great mom to one. I felt good about my mothering. Now I am a guity wreck and the shadow of what I used to be. Hopefully with time I will feel better...it's been two years since the birth of my second child.
The same magic that you experience with the first birth is just not there... Been there, done that. I didn't think I would be one of those moms to say that, especially after waiting six years to have a second. I have terrible guilt because my daughter gets 80-90% less attention now and on top of that I am tired and grouchy. I am so tired..have bags under my eyes, no energy, saggy boobs I didn't have after the first one. The second child really changes the dynamic completely. You lose the intimacy of three that I loved so much. So the cons: Guilt of not appreciating the miracle as much the second time around, feeling like I've neglected the first and the loss of closeness. I just feel like I can't spread myself around. My libido is nill and so is my husbands. The second one will change you in ways the first one did not. I really liked having one child. I miss it. On the other hand, my daughter is very close with her brother...they have an amazing bond. Hopefully they will find solace in each other when my husband and I are gone.. My son makes me laugh and smile, but so does my daughter...
I know him now and love him, so I could never say I would go back and do things differently. But I know I was a better everything with just one child. I had two because I hoped it would be as magical as the first pregnancy and to give my daughter some family, since we don't have any close by.. Hope this help.. Go with your gut and good luck. It sucks being tired and feeling broken down all the time. Even with the blessing of two amazing healthy children.. I don't mean to sound ungrateful...I am blessed. The realilty is it's just very taxing with two. (I had my second child at 36).

N.,
if you are debating the issue so much maybe you are not ready for a 2nd baby. I can tell you that things with 2 only get harder but you learn to adjust. For us the first 4 weeks after we came home from the hospital with #2 were the craziest and busiest, time of our lives. I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel but we got through it. And as far as having time for things like manicures you can forget it, I have to do my own when the kids go to bed, and by that time I'm usually to tired that sometimes I don't even worry about it. Good luck thinks do get easier but it takes time.