Scared 5-Year Old

I would ask her why, exactly, is she scared. I would also ask her whet she wants to do about it. This empowers her over her fear. You are also validating that what she is going through is real. If she has trouble coming up with possible solutions you can make suggestions and offer to help her the first time she tries it out. That way you can tell her what good job she is doing. Bottom line, I would definitely talk to her about why she is scared to go upstairs.

The easiest solution is a small dog who will go upstairs with her.

D. Kimbriel
Grandma to 2 beautiful boys

My 14 year old is still scared to go to the back bathroom, and we live in a one story house. She knows it's not logical, but she's still scared, even in daylight. We just escort her back there. She'll get over it some day. Not a biggie. Good luck.

I agree. Telling a child there is nothing to be afraid of doesn't really help. I think you need to ask her why is she afraid? And come up with a plan to empower herself. Be it self defense, a "weapon", a fan to block noise, a night light, a baby monitor so she can feel safe that you hear her while she is upstairs. ETC. whatever you do, don't discount her fears. All your hubby is doing is saying that her fear doesn't matter. She is 5 for crying out loud. SOme children are just more fearful than others. And she may not know why she is fearful, maybe you should address that also. I would also remember to tell her about her guardian angel and the armor of God to protect her. ETC. Discounting her feelings is a sure way I think of this continued behavior. BTW, my 9 year old is still afraid to walk in the house at night if it is dark. Like going to the kitchen for a drink of water. But he has learned to turn on the lights as he goes and to shut them off behind him. Which gives him a sense of control. Somewhere between your hubby and how your parents raised you, there is a middle road.
Good luck,
L.

Have you ever heard of the book "The Power of a Praying Parent" by Stormie O'Martian? It's an excellent book, and since prayer helped you get over your fears, I bet you following the prayers in that book will also help your daughter.

Another excellent book by Stormie O'Martian is "The Power of a Praying Wife" which could help you pray for your husband in a way that allows God to show you how to talk to him about your daughter's fears so he doesn't tune you out.

I've seen those books, along w/"The Power of a Praying Husband" at Half Price Books frequently.

K., you have been great advice so I'm going to share what we have done & do with my grandchildren. First of all the Bible says what ever we ask we will recieve that means everything. So we ask God to send his angels to protect us then we say Psalms 91:10 No evil befall you, nor shall any plague ( not just desease ) come near your dwelling. Then we go to Romans 8:15 For you did not recieve a spirit to fear. II Timothy 1:7 (my favorite) For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love & a sound ( & peaceful ) mind. After the first night of praying with them each night for several nights until they have this in their hearts thank him for send theses blessing to her & your family. Never ask agian, that shows doubt. Just praise him & thank him everyday that she has recieved this & it won't be long til she has peace. Let her know that II Tim. 1:7 can help her anytime if she will just remember it & say it until she feels comfort. God Bless you all.

I wouldn't worry about "coddling" your child too much-- she's 5!! I still help my little guys get ready for bed, and cherish each moment b/c I also have one who is 21 years now, and trust me, they only WANT your help for a short time before they become too modest and want to be a "big" boy or girl! Enjoy your bedtime rituals with her while she still wants you there!

Also, if you just want her to not be so afraid, maybe go to Target or Wal Mart and get some of those little kid walkie talkies and make a "game" of her going up and getting her PJ's on-- and continue talking to her back and forth while she's doing it! I'm sure it will keep her mind off the fear, and will create some great memories of "playing" w/ mom and dad down the road!

A.

My parents once told me "it's okay to be scared" and apparently it helped, at least for a while!

K.,

As a child, I lived in a one story house. My father took me to bed on his shoulders, gave me company to go to bed, tucked me in, etc. You know, everything seems so big at that age. I can easily imagine how a 5 year old would feel that upstairs is way too far away to be by herself at night. I think she should still be put to bed with company, a story, etc.

Is your husband trying to manipulate you by saying things that might make you feel foolish for wanting to make a 5 year old feel secure? She's only 5 for pete's sake! You don't treat a 5 year old like a grown up.

Aos, did you perhaps ever share your long-standing fears with her? Might she think that if 'big strong mommie' was fearful, she has a good reason to be fearful too?

Why not give her reasons to feel safe. Be with her at bedtime. Be with her when you tell her to turn on the lights (if she can reach them), give her funny, loving memories to go to bed with, use some funny but educational bedtime stories. Include some that teach lessons (like it's common for children to be afraid of the dark or doctor or dentist or creaky sounds in the night -- but they are treated with a gainful trust in your being her absolute protector and that the house os a warm and wonderful place. Is it? Are you guys coming off as parents to a be fearful of or that ignore her fears? Does she have a tiny night light? A nice bedtime routine? You don't really want her to be 34 before she's not afraid.

I don't understand your connected her being a "social child" to her being afraid to be alone upstairs at night.

Make sure you or your husband aren't giving yourself excuses to stay on the couch watching TV when your little ones go to bed.

Keep up on parenting skills. Read about it. We think we know -- but without reading and keeping up, we are just following our parents' patterns (good or bad). Some parents wait until their kids are in trouble and some other adult tells them to learn how to be a better parent. Don't let that be you.

Ever watch "The Nanny?" That show can typify how parents are totally responsible for the way their kids turn out badly at that age -- and how to turn it around. Parent participation, listening, guidance, rules, hugs, attention, play times, work times, etc. Be your child's best advocate and develop them into responsible, fun, loving, motivated, kids who feel safe and secure by what you DO not what you say.

When people tell you to just pray about it or teach her to pray about it, think about that carefully. Praying is fine but how many times will she pray for something she won't get? How many good and prayerful people have bad things happen to them? For me, I think we need to be mindful that God gave us a brain and a heart and lots of other people with special talents to do more for your children than sit around and pray for Him to help you or your child. Take personal action and be open to growing and learning for as long as you live.

Lastly, if anyone offers their professional services to you for money, be mindful that they might possibly be using this forum to gain income from you or others -- like advertising. When I read that say a chiropractor wants to give you or your child counseling for a fee, remember that this is not what they are licensed to do.

Good luck. Let us know what works.

Every child is different so you'll just have to find something that works for you girl. And nothing comes over night so getting your child used to being by herself will take time. One thing that worked for my son (3-years-old) was I told him the "monsters" in the house were scared away by our cat (hopefully you have an animal in the house). We both made cat noises and I showed him how tough our cat was and how he scares away all the monsters.
It might not work but it's worth a shot. :) Good luck and I'll say a prayer for you both.

I am SO glad that you posted. I also have a 5 year old who is afraid of the dark. We gave her a flash light and that seems to work. She also brushes her teeth in whatever room (kitchen, living room, bathroom, office, etc) that my husband and I happen to be in at the time. She carries a wash cloth with her to catch the drips. We also moved the bed so she can see down the hallway at night when she hears a noise. Since our room shares a wall with her room, it's a lot closer to come get me when the feelings overwhelm her. I've also taught her to listen for the dog (who stays inside at night). I told her, if the dog is not barking or moving around, then the noise is OK. Her grandfather gave her a stuffed dog for Valentines Day. He called it her special watch dog. It goes EVERYWHERE with us. Good luck and hope some of these suggestions work. Ours always seems to be a work in progress.

Watch Veggie Tales "Where's God when I'm Scared?". Talk to her about God's guardian angels and His care for her, Be her physical protectors that will "get" any bad guys or boogie men--patiently and proactively check under the bed and out the window and in the closet, etc. Never abandon her to fight her irrational fears herself--she's scared! She needs you to BE THERE! She needs reassurance and validation--don't tell her there's nothing to be afraid of--that's a lie! Darkness is scary! Wind sounds are scary! Even to adults! Especially to kids! Oh, also Winnie the Pooh's book that has the chapter called "night sounds" no, wait, it was called "shadow games" or something like that.

Anyway, once she realizes that nothing can "get" her because you guys are always there for her, she will stop being afraid--Do you see the religious parallel? Once you realize that God is always there for you, you stop being afraid. Be God's arms to her, don't let her think you are a wimp. Watch Disney's Monster's Inc.

Have fun fighting the bad guys and being a hero (Christ) to your child! :D

~A.

K.,
Just my two cents! My daughter is 11 and has always been scared. We have tried all the reasons why she shouldn't (and we have done this with compassion and lots of love). She is a fun loving child, can ride roller coasters, swing on one of those harness bungee type deals at Six Flags 3 stories high, but you ask her to get something out of the garage or car at night and the answer is always will you come with me? She has to have the light on to go upstairs...she just gets scared. We don't make a big deal out of it. We just send my son with her, which teaches him compassion. Sometimes she goes up the stairs without a thought and sometimes she just gets a thought in her head and gets frightened. I was the same way as a child and my Dad was brutal about it. I outgrew being scared. Be patient with her and keep what she watches on T.V. light. As it gets closer to bedtime, you might remind her about all the great things she did that day, sing funny songs, and make the routine as fun as you can. At the beginning, my husband thought like yours and said she should get over it. I had a very straight forward conversation with my husband about this and basically told him to back off. He was very understanding, maybe because of the picture I painted? Sometimes Dads don't get it because they are men. Be patient with her. She is five years old. Who is she supposed to go to when she's scared? God bless! --L.

Here are somethings that I tried with my boys. We would pray before they would leave to go to their room. We also talked to them about how Jesus is always there even when mommy and daddy aren't.
Sometimes when they first started going by themselves I would go with them turn on the light and then do things out side their room, then each night worked my way down the hall and a little futher away each time. It became a weaning process.
We taught them to sing little songs or to pray while they were alone. It helped them as they grew up. Our oldest is now clear accross the country in the Army and our youngest is leaving to go do his basic this summer.
Bring Jesus into it as much as you can He is where our strength comes from.
I hope this helps.
D.
mom of 2 great military young men and the world's best husband for me!!

My mother is 50 years old and she is still deathly scared to be alone in the house and of the dark.
So, is your daughter afraid to be alone or the fact that you aren't with her? If it's that she is scared to be alone, I wouldn't abandon her. Taking baby steps seems like the logical choice. And remember that you are the SAHM. You are with her the most, not your husband, so you probably need to be handling the situation. On the other hand, she is scared to be with out you; that will ease with age. It's the "Mommy Don't Leave Me" phase. All children go through it. Although, most at a much younger age. She might just need an imaginary friend or a dollie. Someone to be with her when you or Daddy can't.

I totally agree with you about gently helping her through this phase. I've never heard of a child who wasn't afraid of something(dark, dogs, monsters)at some time during their childhood. Hearing that there is nothing to be afraid of does nothing except make her feel more alone because her fears aren't being taken seriously and to her they are real. I would talk to her about the fact that all kids have fears and how you overcame yours. Talking with a child can reveal so much. Take the time to talk with her, pray with her and hopefully your husband will learn to respect the fact that her fears are very real to her. Good luck!!

Our children and our grandchildren went through the same thing. I bought each a flash light... lately the ones that you can shake and are always ready to light. I told each one that God was behind the light in the flashlight and that when they pointed the light anywhere that God was looking there with them. It really helps. Reassure them that you'll be right there too if any noises, etc. scare them further, but that God's always there. I keep one on my nightstand too. The grandkids asked if I was scared like they are. I answered, nope - I shine the light and God takes care of the rest. Hope this helps your daughter too.
Kids love to shake the flashlights and feel powerful with them in hand against the darkness and strangeness of being upstairs "alone". Good luck and God bless you for seeking answers for her. I was afraid of the dark with reason, so it's good to help her before there is a reason to worry.

Try having her memorize Bible verses: Psalms 18 where David says God is his strength and shield. Remind her of Bible stories of how God provides in hard times. Then in the morning when she gets up remind her how God brought her through the night. You said you were terrified and by faith God helped you overcome: so tell her you are no longer afraid. Dad can help by telling her that God put him there to protect her and he will do all in his power but she will have to trust him when he says no one is in her closet! Lots and lots of Bible verses so that when she is scared she will say lots and lots of them.
Also, when you pray for her every night, pray for what God wants her to be. (courageous, generous, loving, etc...) Blessings.

I dont really have an answer for you but my son is 5 yrs old and going thru the same thing. His room is upstairs and he shares it with his brother. I send him back to his room a couple times a night and usually wake up to find him on the couch next to our room. I hope that it is just a phase. I will be checking back to see if anyone has some advice for us!

First, let me offer some encouragement. I slept with a lamp (not a night light - a LAMP) on and basically right over my head thanks to a thick headboard until I was 12 years old. As my mother tells the story, they kept assuring me I was fine, no monsters, God would take care of me, etc. Apparently, one night I informed her that I had talked to God about it and God had told me to leave the light on. She decided she had been overruled and told me I could do so until God told me otherwise which apparently did not happen for a few years!

Does your daughter have a specific fear? Is she afraid of "monsters" or being kidnapped, fire, etc? If you know what the specific fear is, perhaps you can address it with facts. Do you have any two way radios you could use so she'd have one and you would also and she'd know she could be in touch with you downstairs if needed? What about "monster spray"? Maybe you could have fun with it and start by going upstairs with her and then working your way down the stairs night after night until she is comfie with going alone - make a slow adjustment at her pace?? Just some thoughts. Good luck!!

Most of all, I agree with you that Jesus is the light of the world and we need not fear knowing He is with us.

I also believe it is a phase. When our daughter was 5, we moved into our current home that we built.

She was accustomed to being on 2nd floor closer to us (at the other home we built) at night and all of a sudden, she was upstairs opposite of the house from our bedroom on downstairs level.

This was stressful for her and we just let he know we loved her. MANY times she stayed downstairs with us and we just accepted it because we knew at one point.....she would no longer want to be around us!! Teens!!

NOW, fast forward, she is 14 and would have it no other way than to have the ENTIRE upstairs dedicated to her. We are now finding ourselves asking her to come downstairs to us!!! She and her friends LOVE the space for them. We beg them to come down with us now!!

It takes time, patience and letting her know that your are there for her. Best wishes.

Some people are prone to fear, but prayer, consistency and stability can help overcome it. I am one of those people. I moved around alot my entire life, without a relationship with God. Now I am married to a husband that recognized how my past has affected me more than I recognized it myself.
That being said, I am going to guess that this is just a phase she is going through, and do your best to not deal with it the way you feel your parents handled it...without over compensating. I would probably treat it as no big deal, and just go upstairs with her before she even asks...get her out of the habit of asking, then do positive reinforcement when she goes upstairs herself (without mentioning the fear.)
She is probably not dealing with the same thing you dealt with until age 34. Although anxiety can be genetic, chances are that a particular type of fear (like a fear of intruders) would be a learned behavior, which is good because it means it can be changed.
As with everything, handle with prayer.

My five-year old son is going through the same thing. We moved to a new two-story house last summer (first house was a one-story). He was never scared in our old house, but now he is scared to go upstairs or to his room alone if it is dark. At first, he was even scared in the daylight. He got over the daytime issue so is slowly making progress. He is even sleeping with us, but we decided to not make a big deal out of it because we truly believe it is a phase that he will grow out of soon. From reading all these responses, it sounds very common, especially in this age group. And certainly, saying prayers and talking calmly with them about their fears should help.

My oldest is still scared to go by herself, but it has gotten a lot better. We used to have to go to the bathroom with her and stand there until she was done and then walk back to the living room with her! What helped her is being able to light her way. She wasn't tall enough to reach the hall light switch, so we put a stool there. We also started keeping the guest room door closed. It was always dark in there and it freaked her out. I don't think there are any quick fixes, but it will get better! We still have to have night lights all over the place, but I kind of like them too. I don't see well in the dark an they keep me from having to turn on real lights all the time.

I wonder if your daughter saw things on TV or in movies that are making her scared. When I was a little girl my mother took me to see Apocalpse Now and Cat People among other movies she wanted to see that made me very scared to go to certain areas of the house.

Hi K.,

I have been away from mamasource for a quite a while as my practice and my family keep me extremely busy. Please see my response to Kristi C "mama needing swim lessons to overcome fear of swimming" as again, this is a fear that needs to be handled with more than a "there's nothing to be afraid of" response. I work well with children and they respond very quickly to me. Somehow your daughter has picked up on your lifelong fear as it is obviously still in your energy field. Please feel free to visit my website to learn more about me and my services at royalchiropractic.com as I do so much more than structural work. The hallmark of my work is like the blossoming of a flower. Please feel free to call me at ###-###-#### to set up a complimentary consultation.

Blessings,
Dr. J. R.

kids see things with different eyes.
They are small and see things as big and daunting and scary.

I remember thinking the flashing light on a radio tower was a witch coming to get us! My dad showed me it was a tower and that was that. He acknowleged me and showed me it was nothing to be afraid of and I still remember this. I also remember how scary the second floor of my grandma's was, even with lights on. To grown ups, it is just upstairs, to kids, it is another world away. For example, show her that when you are standing here in your room, I am right under you in the family room. See, I'll go downstairs and knock on the ceiling and show you, then you knock back.

When my dd started the scared of the dark thing (she is 3 1/2 now), I simply went with her each time calmly and turned on the light and said there is nothing to be afraid of, I am right here and that the same things are here when the light is off as when the light is on.
I bought her an extra step stool so she could always have one within reach to turn on a light and not be scared. I also got her a little flashlight that she could use to light up a room if she wanted any time she wanted. She will now go into a room without turning a light on quite often and then there a times when she needs reassurance even when the light is on.

When she says she is afraid of monsters, I calmly tell her there are no such things as monsters, just mean people and there are no monsters or mean people here. Say if there is a spot that she thinks has a monster in it, I go to it calmly and show her that there is no monster here because there are no such thing as monsters. I tell my dd this and did the same for my ds years ago and she should be old enough to actually understand when you tell her that the things on tv, even commercials, are pretend, that they are supposed to be fun entertainment and are not real.

You just keep telling her that "this is a safe house." Learned that from my Mother...Happy Mother's Day

p.s.
made me remember something...don't underestimate the power of Mom's.
The morning of the first day of middle school for my son, he was so nervous his stomache was upset, and I saw I wasn't helping any. I was even praying in my head for him and me for help to show me what to do for him, how I could make it better and go away you know, and then the answer popped into my head. MOM.
I called her and SHE was able to ease his fears.
When he got home, he said he was supposed to call Nana back and tell her how his day went and to tell her that she was right.

my almost 5 year old is doing the same thing - it drives me crazy, especially when i'm in a rush, but i know i need to be considerate since you can see how truely scared she is - i'm hopeful it is just a phase and glad to see she is not the only one

In the book by John Eldrigde- Waking the Dead he talks about bringing Jesus into every situation; past present and even future. Use your sold out love for God to show your daughter this amazing gift of power that the Lord gave us through His son. Simply tell her to imagine Jesus- then to imagine Jesus going up the stairs with her, and picking out her PJs. Scripture tells us He is always there but we tend to plow through life not paying attention to his presence. To make her aware of his presence will free her from the bondage of fear. You also might want to work on clearing up your fear issues from when you were a little girl. Our children are linked to us physically, emotionally and spiritually. She might just be living out your baggage. Bring Jesus into the scene through your fear as a little girl about being alone. Sometimes generational healing helps. Perfect love casts out all fear....but we have to get in touch with that perfect love before the casting of fear can begin! And lastly just asking her questions about her fears and giving each of her answers to the Lord in prayer with her will put light into the dark places. AND light always wins against dark. Hope some of this helps! (From Mother of 7 who was a very fearful little girl)