Saying Goodbye or Sneaking Away?

No matter what the age, I think you should always say goodbye. You want him to trust you....some kids are very clingy, sometimes it's the age. Let him know that you will be back later....that mommy always comes back. Some kids just have a harder time.

My 2.5 year old son has been doing this he was physically able to and it is so hard! I don't sneak away. I just look him in the eyes, tell him I'll be back soon, say a cheerful goodbye, tell him to have fun and leave m- I'll look back and wave as I walk out and until I'm out of sight. Does it work - no, he still cries, so I think he just needs to grow out of it. Once in a while I get a break from the crying but not often. : (

I just started my daughter in daycare (she is 17 months) and we are going through the same thing. One tip that they gave me (which seems to be working somewhat) is to give her something that she knows I need and ask her to hold it for me until I get back. I chose to give her my sunglasses, because I never leave without them and she knows they are mommy's. They said you can try and spare car key or house key...something they know you need. She clings onto them as soon as I leave and always runs to me and gives them back to me when I pick her up. Maybe this will work for your son too...Good luck!

Two-year-olds have trouble formulating what the real problem is. If his caregivers say he is fine shortly after you leave, it is probably the moment of parting that is hard. I always felt like I couldn't sneak out - it was better to say goodbye lovingly and firmly and let the caregivers deal with the tantrum. It's wrenching. But I got some perspective on it from my 8-year-old, who was having trouble saying goodbye in the morning after we moved to a new school district. She said she likes her school, it's just saying goodbye to me that she doesn't like, and during the school day she is busy and doesn't think about it. It may be the same for your little one, but at this point he can't express all that.

You probably have many responses by now, but I just wanted to suggest that you coordinate with the day care teacher for an exit strategy that allows you to say goodbye to your son before leaving.

His behavior is very typical at that age, and be prepared--it could last a while. But I've always believed (and the staff at the day care center I used agreed) that it's best to say goodbye with hugs and kisses, telling him you'll be back later to pick him up, and then leave quickly--even if he's crying and clinging. That's where the teacher should be ready to peel him off you and distract him with a great toy or activity while you exit.

It's heartbreaking to walk away while your child is crying, but he'll soon stop after you leave. Telling him allows him to develop trust that even though you have to leave, yes, you (or daddy) will be back for him later. Not telling him will confuse him and leave him without any reassurances (which he may not understand now but will come to understand in due time).

I remember those days so well (my little guy is 7 now)! I often found myself in tears as I drove to work chock full of mommy guilt. It was tough, but he'll outgrow it and won't even remember it. I just wish I could say the same for us mommies! :)

Best wishes to you!

Don't sneak, don't dither, don' hesitate. Say a cheerful but firm goodbye, kiss him, turn on your heel and go. If he sees how much his sadness is bothering you, it will seem justified to him (Mommy is worried too, her leaving must be bad). If you smile and march out the door knowing he is in good hands, he will soon see that all is well even when you are not there.

It's best not to sneek away. Just say a firm, loving good bye, and leave! I'm sure, 5 minutes after you leave, your son is fine. I went through this occasionally when my son was a toddler. I would call the daycare and they said he was fine within 3-5 minutes after my leaving. I know it's hard, but you just have to leave without making a big deal! Good luck!

Hi N.,
A less than 2 year old does not understand 5 minutes or time at all. Do not sneak away and don't hang around after you've said goodbye, bargaining or extending the time. I would say goodbye from a distance, so he can't cling, and then leave immediately even if he cries. The only way he won't cry is if you don't go at all, and that's not an option so don't make this a drawn out control game. Cheerfully say goodbye and that you love him and leave right away. If he's going to cry, he'll cry and he will grow out of it at some point.

Please do not ever sneak way. I think it only ruins his trust for you. And in the end it will make even more clingy
because he will think if he leaves your side you will disappear. Separation is normal and also temporary. I would continue taking the adult approach and deal with the tears for now. Eventually when he sees you are coming back he will stop crying. Good luck!!

Always say goodbye and try not to let him see the stress on your face. He's probably fine within 10 minutes of you leaving. If you sneak away there's a chance that he won't trust that you will come back! By saying, I love you and I'll be back in a little while, each time you separate he will start to associate those words with you leaving AND coming back!

This behavior is very very normal and it's heart-breaking, but at least you know he misses you when you leave!

Its a stage he is going thru and the best way to deal with it is to say bye-bye and GO. ONE kiss, ONE hug, ONE bye-bye, then go. No I'll be back, no I miss you, just hug kiss and go. Sure he will cry, but no matter what you say or how long you prepare him he will still cry and you will feel terrible. But you will still feel awful when he is happily playing. The longer you take to say goodbye the more he will learn that his tears can keep you from going.
It is also a good idea to play peek-a-boo and hide and seek with him so he understands that you will be back.

I think if you're running a quick (less than 1 hr) errand and he's at home with Dad, you can sneak out the door - as long as he doesn't know you're going ahead of time. If you are going to be gone longer, or if he's at daycare, etc. you need to say goodbye, give a big hug and kiss, and tell him when you are coming back - not specifically a time or a duration because he won't understand that, but "I'll see you this afternoon" or I'll pick you up at the end of the day. He's going to be clingy until he grows out of it, just keep reinforcing that you'll be back.

I agree you always have to say goodbye. According to the books I have been reading the experts agree. What your son is going through/doing is normal. You have to acknowledge his feelings. "I know you are upset and angry that mommy has to leave but I will be back." Make sure you tell him when, "Mommy will be back in two hours." Don't fool yourself he does understand, he understands more than you think. It is much worse for you than it is on him. Keep it short, acknowledge his feelings, state what you are doing/where you are going, when you will return...hugs, kisses...and leave. You can even tell him how you feel. "Mommy is sorry she has to leave you, but I have to work," or "I know this makes you upset and that makes me sad I will miss you but..." Remember that you are not the first mother to go through this and he is not the first child, it is a phase that babies go through unscathed. This too shall pass.

I think it's just best to tell them that you have to leave say your good byes, and even if they are crying go ahead and go. If you sneak out they're not going to trust you. I had the same problem with my son when he was 2-3 years old. Everyday he cried when i dropped him off at daycare so they would let him stand in the window to wave to me. After awhile I would go out to wave and he would already be playing. Most of the time soon after you leave they stop crying, which i think is better than sneaking out and having them not know where you are and not trusting you.

Don't sneak away because that can make it worse because they will be afraid that you will leave and not come back....

There are two books I recommend (although your son is young, but he might get the gist of it).... Llama Llama Mad at Mama. It's about a little llama who goes off to preschool and is so sad all day and he misses his mom but at the end of the day, the mom comes back and he learns that he loves mama AND his school. (The book is the third in a trilogy of llama books - there is also llama llama red pajama and llama llama shops with mama. All three are great books).

The other good book on this issue is The Kissing Hand. About a raccoon baby who is nervous to go to school because he will miss his mother and the mother gives him a Kissing Hand so if he misses his mom, he just needs to hold the hand to his heart... Very sweet book.

Hi N.
I think you should always say good bye but sometimes we have an issue with leaving too.
Saying "good bye" made me feel bad, I hated to leave mine, it was an inside feeling that I really didn't plan or want it just happened. So I would stay longer, belabor the situation, and so our oldest learned I liked him to act that way.
God bless the nursery attendant at our church. One day she said to me, "I see he's turning two, tell him when he turns two you will both be happy to be in separate places. Never mention it again. When you come the Sunday after his 2nd birthday, I don't care how hard it is -- put on your smiling face and wave happily etc, and leave. He will follow your example" She was right, as long as I brought him early so that the kids descended on him, and he didn't have to break into an already established group.
I did that with the younger kids at an earlier age, and it worked with them all.
Make sure that the person you are leaving your child with is always positive, when asked where mommy is/ she says a version of "mommy will be back--- mommy loves you". Not a version of "mommy is all gone" I have heard well meaning people say that, but they simply don't know that children think concretely.
God bless you and give you wisdom
K. -- SAHM married 39 years -- adult children -- 38,33 and twins 19.

I would never sneak away. If he thinks you could disappear at any moment, he will never let you out of his sight.
Always let him know when you are leaving. And reassure him that you will be back.

Make your good byes short and sweet. Hugs and kisses. And dont prolong if he throws a fit. Then you are just rewarding him by sticking around longer.

Peep-A-Poo is supposed to help children get used to not seeing their parent and then seeing them again.I used this approach with my daughter(age 3 now). I would go out the door and then come back in and say "Here I am!" Each time I left a little bit longer until she got used to the idea of me being gone for a certain amount of time.

Now I just have to tell her I have to go to work and I'll be back later. Or if I am going out to get something from the van, I'll tell her where I am going and say "Be right back". She just says "Ok. See ya later. Be careful".

Couldn't hurt to try it.

My daughter (2 yrs) always had a tough time when I left. We set up a little stol near the front window and when I left the caregiver/hubby would make a big deal of getting to the window to wave goodbye. I would stop where she could see me and beep and wave and it really helped. Now she says goodbye to me and there's no problem. Good Luck

Don't sneak away, it will cause a lack of trust eventually. Keep up with the adult approach, it'll click sooner or later. Does the crying continue long after your gone, or does it stop quickly once your not there anymore?