Sahms, Give It to Me Straight

He's a stay at home Dad, you are a working Mom. I am a stay at home Mom. I do not require my husband to clean or cook since he is the one working. He does help out when needed here and there and especially on his days off.

I suggest you tell him to do his duties or get a job.

I am a SAHM and I do it all unless we order take out. When my youngest was crabby and teething I wore him and did all the cleaning and cooking. You hired help, put the youngest in an activity, and you help with the household chores I think you do more then enough.

I am a SAHM and have been since my 2nd was born.
You are not being uneasonable. He has a 2yo in daycare, another that I assume naps and maybe the 2 year old naps too. He can help a little more.
I applaud him for raising the children but he is showing them that only women do house work, especially if you have a friend come to clean.

Your husband has it very very good. He is taking total advantage of you. You are pretty much doing everything AND working. I would not stand for this if I were you. If he cannot change he should be the one to work. It is not fair for you to do it all. I am wondering just what it is that he does....jeez he can't even get the kids breakkfast in the am???? Lazy-plain and simple.

woow. I was raised by a single dad. (Mom left when the youngest of us was 6 months, then he got married when I was 8, but that lasted only a short while...) But he had 4 of us, ages 6 months, 1 year, 3 years, and 4 years. He managed to do ALL the cooking, cleaning, etc. on his own! (Until we were old enough to be responsible for some chores) He did pay a babysitter for while he was at work, but she wasn't responsible for keeping the place clean. I don't think you are asking too much at all! Heck, when the one is in school, the other at daycare, and only the baby at home, on those days he shouldn't have any problems picking the place up! Especially since you are only asking for a little help, not perfection. No wonder he loves being a SAHD... he doesn't have to do all that much! (compared to what you are doing, or what he would do in the workforce...)

Sorry to hear you have to ask permission not to do weekend chores. I am a SAHM and make time to organize daily when the baby sleeps. Your kids are not home with dad all day so what is he doing that he can't pick up and keep it somewhat tidy so there isn't much to do during the weekend???? You are working, he's at home. YOU ARE WORKING! Why can't he prepare breakfast, it goes with the territory of being a SAHD.

Sorry but I think your husband is being lazy and taking advantage of you. I do the majority of the cooking, all the laundry and cleaning and run all the errands so that we can have our weekends totally free so we can spend time together as a family. My husband helps when I ask but he also works 10-12 hour days sometimes longer. I do not expect him to come home and do additional work.

If my husband did half as much as you are doing I would be in heaven. You husband really needs to get a grip. If he was working would he be getting the kids breakfast and taking them places before he heads off to work? Would he be cleaning on the weekends the way you are? The feeding at night I can understand but would he be getting up majority of the night tending to kids if he was working?

I sense a big project at work coming where he will have to cover your home duties for a while and hey if it gets to the point where you are only washing your own clothes then go for it. He does actually have plenty of time during the day to wash and dry and put away at least one load of clothes a day. He also can clean (and get the kids involved to help him) at least one room a day.

IMO -- no you shouldn't have to do those things on the weekend.

When I was a SAHM and hubby worked full time, I had three kids under 5, just like you. The only things my husband did were occasional fix-it jobs around the house (clogged plumbing, some car duties), and he cooked maybe 1/3 of the time (I hate cooking, he's more fussy about what he eats, he likes to cook more). Other than that, the only thing I asked of him was to spend time with the kids for a couple of hours each day on the weekend, and to try and give each child one-on-one time (which he didn't - he favored one of the children - which is one of my longstanding issues).

I did all the housecleaning, laundry, and almost all kid stuff, for the most part. I did finally hire someone to come in once a month to do heavy cleaning.

So yes, I think your husband is asking too much.

I am not really sure about some of the remarks I read, because they seem to have picked up on something that I didn't. Or maybe I picked up something that isn't there... but it almost sounds to me like your husband is doing what he has to do to get by (we all do that from time to time) and still keep his sanity and smiley face. And that you don't rest when you are home. Not that he is telling you that YOU need to be doing all the things you are doing. Or did I read your post incorrectly?

Men seem to have a tendency to do what needs to be done and look past the rest. Women, on the other hand, tend to do what needs to be done and then look around to see what else OUGHT to get done or COULD get done and then either do it, or complain about it, or stress over the fact that it isn't done.

I'm not defending that he might be able to do more than he is on a routine basis (although I'd be interested in the issues your 2 yr old has that you didn't elaborate on before I'd make any judgment). But if you have food in the pantry, you're not out of milk twice a week, the laundry is fairly well kept up with and your kids are happy and healthy and get to school with what they need, then maybe you should just kick back a little on the weekend. Does he put his feet up while you get up on Saturday morning and attack all the laundry? Don't do it. Kick back with a cup of coffee and read the paper.

I am a SAHM (although I feel like I'm almost never home with all the driving to/from that I do with an elementary kid and a middle schooler, whom one takes piano and they both take karate 2x per week at different class times). My husband works shift work and is seldom home to help with homework or projects or even eat dinner with us. 2 nights a week he isn't even home when the kids go to bed. So I DON'T work my butt off all day long during the day. I used to feel guilt about this, because I don't have a perfectly clean and spotless home. But... I chill a little when the house is quiet, because when 2:00 pm rolls around, I will go non-stop until the kids are in bed 7 and a half hours later and I'll be up setting up the coffee pot for the next day when my husband gets home around 11:30 pm. And that is after getting up at 6:30 to get them ready and off to school (I drive them 30 minutes- an hour round trip for me).

Hubby has an uncanny ability to decide he's going to go running, or go golf, or go mow the yard or go ____. He doesn't concern himself with who is going to pick up the kids from school or what is for dinner or who has to be in town when for allergy shots or karate class, etc... That's all mine. I never feel like I can just up and go do for me. It is always weighed out with when I have to be back to deal with the kids/house. My husband will throw in a load of clothes here or there. And fold them. Or offer to grill something for dinner (if I buy it and bring it home along with the charcoal, lol). But he doesn't get up daily looking to do the household stuff. He is able to tune it out. Maybe it is a "Man gene", but perhaps you should try that a little. It might make you feel a little better. And maybe him too--- my hubby doesn't like it when I go behind him and rearrange things he recently put into the dishwasher. Maybe yours would like you to appreciate what he IS doing, and back off and let him get it done.
Maybe I read your whole post incorrectly. But I never heard you mention that your husband was asking you to do all that you are doing. It sounds more like you can't help yourself, to me. Does he not keep the house cleaned to your standards? I'm just not really clear about that. You hired someone to come in 2x a month, but what does she do, the baseboards/toilets/tubs/floors/mirrors/windows stuff? Or does she do the daily stuff: laundry, vacuuming, kitchen? Just keeping the floors picked up of toys and junk and the mail/kids school papers sorted and unpiled on the kitchen counter is enough to drive a sane person crazy sometimes. When you are constantly on the go (and if he does 2 kid pick-ups each day, then he is doing a lot of going especially remembering all that goes into packing up an 11 month old to go out of the house) stuff can pile up and you can easily get overwhelmed by 5 pm.

I just think it is important to remember, too, that the reason "it seems like there is always more for me to do", is because there is. It will never stop until you die. Really. It's true. So maybe take a small step back and think about what you HAVE to do, and try to make a conscious effort for a bit to STOP trying to get EVERYTHING done. It won't happen. And you'll be disappointed and frustrated. I can do laundry ALL DAY EVERY DAY, iron it and put it all away, but as soon as I put on my PJ's at bedtime, there is more dirty clothes to be washed. It's life. I used to get angry at my kids or spouse when I had just spent an hour cleaning the tile floors and they swooped in and spilled something. Now, I just realize that into each life a little dirt will come. I know that I can clean my home to perfection but it won't last. Being angry with my kids b/c they messed up all my hard work cleaning isn't worth it. Life is messy. So I let things go a little. I am there waking them each morning, and I tuck them into bed each night. I listen to them. I discipline them. I teach them. I taxi them. I make sure they are well fed, rested and loved. They even wear clean clothes (when I insist, lol). So, I wonder, maybe you and your husband just have a different opinion about the standard of cleanliness/messiness that is acceptable day in/day out.
I guess I didn't grow up in a home where everything was done to perfection every week. So I don't do it that way myself. When things start to get out of control, I take a day or two and really catch up. Maybe your husband's philosophy is more in line with that?

Nope that's situation isn't right. If you work outside the home and he stays home then his job should be caring for the things in the house including cooking, cleaning and children. If the tables where turned and he were working outside of the home would the arrangement be the same for you?
My husband works outside of the home, I stay at home, I do most all of the home duties at home and just ask him to do some house duties like home repairs and maybe take out the trash.
I can't even imagine the time I would have to myself if my boys were in school (I home school too) and had hired help for cleaning. That's a sweet set up he's got going on there ;)
I think Daddy needs a reality check here and I think you've taken part in making it easier for him and harder for you.
Maybe making a list and sitting down with duties would be helpful in seeing just what is and should be taking place in you guys home.
Best Regards,
C.

My husband works, I do the home stuff. That's the deal! I think if BOTH people worked full time then household duties are to be shared. So as long as I am a SAHM, I do the dishes, laundry, sanitizing of bathrooms and kitchens and vacuuming, as well as grocery shop, cook and raise our 16 month old. If I were to write down a list of everything I do in the week, this would equal the amount of tasks he has to do, maybe even be a bit less than his!

He does take over the kid duties when he gets home and on weekends he lets me sleep in a bit before the pair of them come in looking for breakfast!

I think you two just need to sit down and write out everything that needs to be done and make a chart... And make thing easier, like using Clorex wipes for all surfaces and toilets (surfaces only not inside obviously lol). Think of jobs the kids can help with and let them. If something doesn't get done then everyone who can help should help to make it quicker! Get one of those big white boards (erasable) and put the jobs on there!

He stays home with the kids and you STILL had to hire someone to clean??? That would *so* not fly with my husband! lol

I've got 3 girls (4yrs, 2.5yrs and 1 month) and they are with me ALL the time, except that my 4 year old goes to pre-k 9-11:30am 3 days a week. I can only imagine how much I could get done if 2 of my kids were out of the house, even just a few hours!

I think the 2 of you need to sit down and very clearly outline what you each are responsible for and stick to it. If he can't handle it, then he needs to get a job outside the home to pay for a cleaning person and daycare.

You are not out of line. My kids are a little older but once upon a time I had 3 kids under school age. The most my hubby ever has to do is a basic clean up of the living room and if he chooses to he folds laundry or loads dishes, but I would get them done if he didn't help. It can be alot of work to have 3 kids. I spend about 5 hours a day cooking and cleaning the kitchen. I also have to do about 10 loads of laundry a week. What he needs to understand is that being the primary parent is not and 8 hour day. I am often on my feet for at least 12 hours a day, more like 14-15 except to sit and eat and drive I am pretty much going all day long. In fact I am standing/cooking right now, lol. I don't think men multi-task like us women do. Thant being said he needs a better routine and scheduale. I get up and throw in a load of laundry or dishes right away. The only way to keep up with it all is to stay on top of it. I hope things lighten for you a little, you deserve to have play time with you your babies too.

He sounds like with the one child at kindergarten, the other at pto, and one at home, he has plenty of time to get housework and laundry done, especially since you also are doing laundry, walking the son to school and making breakfast.

I am a stay at home mom and can do all of that and my kids are still not in school, and I babysit a 3rd. So that's 3 boys for me, and I also work on the weekends. Now, my husband usually gets home around 5:30 and he helps cook about 50% of dinners (b/c I'm so exhausted and burnt out by the end of the day) and helps me fold laundry and mop, but I still do the bulk of everything else.

I am a part-time online student and a stay at home mom of two - ages 2 & 3. My husband in very understanding when things don't get done, but generally I do all the cooking and all the cleaning. With your oldest in school, I am not sure why your husband thinks he can't handle a little more responsibility. I worked full time until my youngest was 6 months, and I remember how exhausting it was to work 40+ hours a week and do all the cooking and cleaning...

I expect my husband to help when he is home, but I believe most of it is up to me because I am home.

You ARE NOT out of line. I'm a SAHM of 4 plus take care of 4 infants EVERY DAY. My husband works out of town. He's only home for weekends. I due ALL the houswork, cooking,laundry,running kids everywhere, shopping ect... My Husband works hard all week and when he gets in town with all his dirty laundry I do that also. And let me say at any time you could walk into my house and it's clean. It sounds as if your husband maybe alittle depressed or he's just lazy. Either way it's time for him to pick up the slack.

Great question, hope it goes better. Once the second baby came, I find it impossible to keep the house clean, and drive myself crazy trying. I don't know how people do it. We are not slobs, it just seems to always get trashed.

I stay at home with my two kiddos and my hubby works. I do all of the laundry and cooking (he might cook on the grill every once in awhile on the weekend, but never during the week). He does help clean up the dishes after dinner, but isn't great at cleaning, so I usually have to go behind and really "clean" the kitchen when he's done. He usually does bath duty for the kids, so that I can pick up the toys from the day while he's doing that. Beyond that, I do all of the housework. I have been battling cancer this past year, so he has had to pitch in more than normal and we did get a housekeeper to come in twice per month, but he really doesn't do any of the "cleaning" per se and no laundry (unless I get really far behind and HE is out of clothes and then he'll throw a load in...mostly of his own stuff...haha!). I guess what I'm saying is that as the stay at home parent, I do tend to most of the house stuff, but he does help if I ask him or if I just get too far behind and he's great about staying with the kids so that I can get out for Bunko, girls night out or just about anything else I ask him to be around for. I guess I expect that it's part of my "job" to get the housework done, but I can tell you that it's VERY challenging sometimes with two young kids at home. Most days I wonder why I even bother to pick up the toys at naptime because 5 minutes after they get up, it doesn't even look like I spent their entire naptime cleaning up. Quite annoying! Anyway, it does sound like you're getting a bit of the raw end of the deal, but I think as Mom's we see things through different lenses than the Dad's, even if he is the stay at home parent. I hope that info helped...I wasn't exactly sure what you were asking. Best of luck to you. This is definitely a tough age for your kids to be (mine are 5 and 2 1/2) and I have been assured it gets easier! :-)

All I know, is that my husband always travels, and I do EVERYTHING. All housework and everything for 3 kids 5, 3 and 18 months-NO HELP, no cleaning lady etc. I am able to do it. Sure, some nights the dishes get left until morning, sometimes we're low in laundry, and sometimes certain rooms are messy, but in general, I do it, and we have a healthy tidy home and I get to the grocery store before things run out. Maybe it's because I HAVE to because there is no one to fall back on?

The ONLY thing that is NOT cool, is when the hubs comes home and puts on his white gloves and knit picks the details, because he is sort of OCD neat freakish. But once he gets past that, and I remind him I drive everyone to school every day and take out the trash and shovel the snow and mow the yard and take recycling and make every meal and nurse every boo boo and do every errand with all three kids and NEVER get a break for months at a time, so if there is a lego under the coffee table he needs to chill, he jumps in and helps because he's still a perfectionist. If it was up to me, the place would be a lot messier.

I've never been a clean freak or overly organized person and it is hard work to do all this. But again, I manage to do it, and when the hubs comes home, the house is running well and cleaned up. I feel it's the least I can do since I get to stay home right now after being a career woman for 15 years.

We have a big high maintenance old house and no extra $s for any help with yard or anything. I'm also known to make trips to the hardware store, go on ehow.com and do some carpentry and plumbing here and there... AND I have to handle a time consuming IRS debacle for my husband AND I'm a painter and try to get in a couple of hours a day painting.

Not just trying to say "Nanny nanny boo boo", but I'm not sure with your husband doing so much work, and you doing it too, and having some hired help, how there is still so much to do on weekends. Sounds like somebody isn't really doing as much as they say they are, or maybe there is way too much stuff?

Also, men are not as good at multi tasking, but when I went out of town and left hubs with the kids for a week, he did great an didn't claim to have a hard time and everything was done. Granted it was a holiday week for my kindergartner, so he didn't have to haul everyone to the school twice a day like I do, but still. I'm not convinced he could do it as effortlessly for the long term, but maybe. (and I did find out after the fact from my oldest that he let the baby fall off the kitchen counter because he let her sit up there which I never let him do....)

You may want to talk to some type of organized person to help streamline things somehow, or have a big meeting on how to organize things so you aren't swamped on weekends. You shouldn't be overwhelmed and neither should he with someone helping with the cleaning. That's the only really hard part. If I could have ONE thing, it would be a cleaning person once a week. SInce you're not being a picky neat freak, there is no reason things should be so out of control for you. So no, you are not totally out of line.

I am a SAHM to boys as well and have been since the first one was born. Before that I was in corporate sales working long hours, so I have worked both sides. Both situations are hard work, but different. They each have their pros & cons. You both need a break here & there or you both will start to get resentful. Based on what you are saying you go above & beyond for your family. Your hubby seems to not trust you and sounds spoiled with some insecurity issues as well. All I can say is keep up the great work and do your best. At the of the day if you can say to yourself that you did your best, that is all that matters. Don't worry about having a sparking clean house either. When your kids are grown up they won't remember whether the floors were dirty. They will remember things that they did or did not do with you in their youth. I say make Saturday family day. Best wishes!

i think you are way accommodating. i'm glad it has worked out for you overall, but i think he expects too much of you.
i'd just like to tell you that i'm in awe of what you juggle.
khairete
S.

oooh mommy.....

My hubby thought that SAHM's sat around and watched TV and at ate bon-bons all day (I swear I could've killed him that day and gotten away with it!!) Any way - I called his mom and told her what he said, she said "let me talk to him." handed the phone over and she straightened him out - then he lost his job when we had a 2 year old and 9 month old - he saw everything I did and said - okay - I BOW To you!!

However, I have to say that being the sole bread winner of the family is a VERY stressful job too!!!

I cook, clean, do laundry and all that jazz. I've hired a cleaning company to come in every two weeks to clean as well. But there's still a ton to do. I've tried purging the house so we don't have as much. I also make my boys do things - they are now 8 and 10 so they sort laundry, put theirs away, etc.

I don't think you are asking too much - try to set up a schedule and a chore list - have your eldest help out too. Make it fun and it should work out.

Make sure you have your list of expectations and your hubby's list - compare the two - set priorities and goals and work from there.

Nope not out of line. Without sounding old fashioned or whatever, that is the job of being a stay at home parent. You take care of the kids, the chores and most of the cooking. And yes while it is nice to have help doing that, that is what comes with being a stay at home parent. You deal with it just the same as you deal with the stresses of having to go to work everyday and deal with leaving the kids and etc.
He does his job you do yours and then you comprimise otherwise. But no if he doesnt want to do the work of a stay at home parent then he should go out and get the job while you are there with the kids.

I have a hard time when it comes to stay at home dads. I know there are some really good ones out there, but I get so frustrated with the lazy ones that just want to stay home and do nothing while their wife works and does everything else.

I think that if he's decided that he's staying home then he should get all the house stuff done like any other stay at home mom. You already work out of the home and from what I gather you do most of the house work. What does he do all day? I'm a SAHM and Its a lot of work. If that's what he chooses he needs to step up and let you have a break. (sorry if I'm sounding bitter) I had a similar situation only I didn't have kids yet. My former husband decided that it's be nice to stay at home and play video games all day while I worked a crappy job so we could have insurance. Needless to say that marriage didn't work out for obvious reasons. I'm in a happy marriage with two little girls and a husband that pulls his weight.

Sounds like you work hard. You need to be able to enjoy your kids and have the chance to play with them. Let him take care of the stuff he's supposed to. Good luck.

my kids are gone about the same as yours, otherwise home with them, but daddy is gone when they wake up and doesn't get home till an hr before dinner. he does the dishes. he's supposed to wash the kitchen floor (cuz my back) but doesn't happy.
i do everything else.
we don't have a nice dinner every night and we don't have a dust free house, but it is clean for the most part.
i get aggrevated that he doesn't clean a toilet once in awhile.
with cleaning and laundry and trying to play and answer to the constant "mommy" (i timed it once and i realized i didn't go 30 seconds w/o it) its impossible.

the other thing he does is sometimes he gives them a bath after work.
there is NO way that either of us spend weekends cleaning unless we are ALL doing it together.

hope tha thelps.

It sounds like he has alot of time unaccounted for especially when it comes to a typical list of household duties that must be done, that arent getting done by his hands. i'm a stay at home mom and most of the time can manage to get quite a bit done with limited exceptions. this is your family and you know your hubby better than we all do, but coming from the outside looking in- having 3 kids (1 who's in kindergarten, 1 in PDO, and an infant) it sounds like the 1st order of business is to get some pain management for the teether, then to get down to the Stay At Home Parent's list of household chores. and to clarify- the chores at home should be done by both parents, but the working parent shouldnt have to do the majority. wanting to be the STAP, not wanting to work outside of the home, then not making what seems to be an adequate attempt to keep up with the household duties... no offense but he sounds lazy. hiring outside help isnt necessary, start holding him more accountable. this of course is my personal opinion.

I'm going to respond without reading what others have posted first because as I was reading your post I thought about my own situation and it resonated with me. I am a SAHM and my partner works. He does a lot of cleaning, though I try to do what I can during the day. I only have one child, almost 11 months old who sporatically naps...I'm lucky if I get an hour total per day of him napping. I also have a small business so that takes time in the evenings (necessary for us to financially pay rent!).

My partner works all day and cleans more than I do. We share cooking, take turns. He takes over after he gets home for an hour to give me time to relax and/or work. On weekends he let's me sleep and spends a lot of time with our son. We are both tired a lot and I really do try to keep up with cleaning but it isn't to his standards so he ends up doing a lot on weekends.
Your post made me realize I need to try harder to do more to lighten his load. I think kids have a way of zapping energy in ways not comparable to work, though both are tough. Maybe your husband is like me and really wants to do more but time slips past so quickly! Seems like the day begins before it's already over!

Maybe you can go week by week with each other? Plan the weekend on a Thursday so you both can share some hopes for what it will look like then try to accommodate each other? This is what we do so communication stays in place. My partner has a way of not sharing his needs until he's at the breaking point and then I of course accommodate, but i'd otherwise have no clue what bothers him or is exhausting him because he's truly in wonderful spirits all other times! So for us we have to do weekly check-in's (I insist so he doesn't get to any breaking points).

Not sure if this helps you, but your post definitely reminded me how difficult it is to juggle work and family. Be kind to each other...sounds like you are:) You both have tough roles to fulfill and if you keep consistent with communication (because some weeks are more challenging than others) I'm sure you will both find a system that works for you both. It might not be perfect for either of you, but it will work in terms of weekly ups and downs.

Happy holidays!

You are doing way more than most of our husbands do :). Fact is, if he is a stay at home he needs to do what he can to allow you to spend time with the kids just playing so you can have that bonding time.

I've been a full time SAHM for 10 1/2 years ~ I have 3 children and pregnant with bonus baby #4. I've loved it because I am here for my children; I am the one who takes them to school, picks them up, when they are sick, I am here for them. On the flip side, I do ALL the housework, take them to doctors appointments, dentists appointments, hair appointments, school and church activities, grocery shopping, to MY personal appointments (doctors, etc.). My husband works M-F, comes home does dishes, takes out the trash, helps bathe our youngest, helps with homework if I had not finished helping before he got home. At the end of the day, we both fall into bed exhausted. It's a demanding job to be home full time and no, not everything gets done and no, my house is no where as neat as I like it and yes, I have to prioritize every part of my day. It sounds to me that you are doing way more than your share of work. Even my husband doesn't do as much as I would like, and yes, sometimes I complain about it because while he gets Sat. and Sun. off from his job, I don't have days off and my "free time" is a rarity. Your husband signed up for being home full time and you have had to hire somebody to come in and clean while he's home? I'm sorry, but that is ridiculous. I see no reason why your husband cannot take the children to school. While it's true that men and women have different ways of doing things, this is the job he signed up for. No wonder you feel resentful. I would too. This is the job you wanted for yourself and I'm betting in your heart, you feel you could manage it all. But you know what? You still would need his help but at least you would be the one home full time. The truth is, there is always work to be done. There are days when I have done so much and I think, "Wow, I got a lot done..." but then my mind wanders and I start thinking about tomorrow and all that I have to do tomorrow. It really is endless and truth be it known, there is always something to do, even at the end of the day, you think of things that didn't get done. I think you are doing way too much and you too, deserve to have (1) time just for yourself, and (2) time to spend with your children after a hard day. Let go of the things that don't have to get done right away and save them for tomorrow. Children grow up so fast. And you are working so hard and not enjoying them. Sometimes we have to close our eyes to the things that really don't matter so we don't miss out on the things that do.

I work 2 days/week and do almost ALL of everything else--no help. Hubby does cook the two days I work and will occasionally throw a load in the washer, then dryer then leave it--thanks so much for helping! LOL
I think that if I was at home every day with as much "down time" (translation: kidless) as your hubby has between K & PDO, I'd be happy as a clam!
He's slacking on the laundry and the cleaning if you ask me. He'd probably have no trouble pointing that out to you if you were at home & he needed to pick up the slack on weekends.

From maybe a little different view, I think you should be the SAHM and he should work. I think we are biologically wired for it to be that way - men get a big ego and self-esteem out of being a provider and making money. Women tend to care more about relationships so we are better at nurturing kids.

I read a study that said most women want a man who will help with the housework, or even do it all and be a SAHD. They want a man who supports them in a career and shares equal or more responsibility for housework and childcare. But on the flip side, and this is true, women who have SAHDs find themselves increasingly unattracted and unimpressed by their spouses. The more traditionally feminine traits that their man does, the less attractive they find him, even if they say that they love him. They lose their sex appeal. Men, on the other hand, don't feel much pride in themselves for being SAHDs.

BTW, if you were the woman at home who were asking your husband to do a lot on the weekends and also wanted a housekeeper to help you with the overload of 3 boys, I would be surprised if most women on here wouldn't be in support of you, and if your husband did less, call him a jerk for not helping more. It's a double standard.

I haven't read all the responses, BUT, I am a stay at home mom with two kids (one in Kinder, 2-3 days/week) and I babysit two other kids (5 and 2) three times a week. I do 100% of the housework and childcare. My husband works from 10-8 so when he's home in the morning he stays with our toddler while I walk our son to school. Other than that it's all on me. He spends his mornings working out (this is neccessary due to the physical requirements of an upcoming military enlistment), and getting ready for work (making lunch and dinner to take with him so he doesn't have to eat out, ironing clothes and such). His one day off a week we spend doing fun stuff with the kids in the mornings and he usually spends the afternoons getting "house" stuff done (fixing broken stuff, running to home depot...). I support the house and kids because he supports us (financially), and he knows I would have it no other way because it was an agreement before the kids were born that our kids will not go to daycare. You are doing WAY more than your share of the load here - kudos to you!

This isn't a direct answer...but I'd like to point out, if a divorce took place at this point he would more than likely wind up with the kids and you'd be paying him child support. I've seen it happen in real life and brought to reality on a popular tv show lately. But to answer you question-NO! Your not being unreasonable. He wants to play SAHM let him. And all it entails if it were you in the role.

Will you marry me?? Lol. Im basically a sahm, my business is in the toilet. I do ALL the cleaning, and I would say 90% of all the child care. My husband will change a few diapers and put a kid to bed and play with them.
My jobs-
90% of child care
ALL housework
Grocery shopping
cooking

His job-
go to work 7-4
pay the bills
Helps me with the kids 10%

Im not saying im happy about this, I wish he would help more. But to me, sometimes its just not worth the fight.

So, to answer your question, yes Mama, you are doing more than enough. Good for you!

Hi,
I am not sure I have a lot to add but I did want to say, sorry for your stress. We all feel it on both sides of the fence. I feel each couple needs to work out what works for them. I see from this most parents feel a loss of self and freedom that we all once had being single. Most of us also would not give it up for the world. It is not a simple task but we each need to evaluate what we need and how we can work it out as a couple. Thanks for this post and I plan to chat with my DH about our situation and how we can both find a little more of what we want and need. And try to appreicate him more.

I may be in the minority with my thoughts, but I am going to put them out there anyway. I was a SAHM for two years when my daughter was born. During the time I stayed home, I did ALL the house work. I cooked, cleaned, did dishes, laundry, shopped and all the child care. And I did it all without complaint. I felt that since I had the luxury of staying home (and yes, I believe that is a luxury) then my job WAS the house and childcare. I never expected my husband to lift a finger when he got home from work. I was lucky, and he did help out but it was never expected of him. I just don't understand the SAHM's (or dad's) who complain that they have all the burdeon of housework on them. I think they forget that the husband (or wife) who works has the SOLE burdeon of the family's financial well-being on them and them alone.

I think if one spouse works and the other spouse stays home, then the spouse that stays home SHOULD do ALL the housework and not complain about it. If they can't handle it, then they should go get a job too.

I am back at work now, and since me and my husband both work now, we divide the housework and childcare equally. I have been on both sides of this fence, and let me tell all the SAHM's out there, working is just as hard as staying at home. Maybe harder because you now have to deal with mother's guilt too.

Sorry, I will get off my soapbox now. I think you are doing MORE than your share to help out at home. I think your husband should be doing more. Maybe let him read this. Maybe that will open his eyes. Whatever happens, I wish you luck.

okay I am not a stay at home mom but my husband has recently become a stay at home dad. He is a builder, manly man and I really kinda worried about it at first. I take the kids to school because I have to get up anyway and he has a touch of insomnia but other than that he handles the house stuff and is remodeling our basement. Your husband is asking way to much I do laundry on the weekends because there are things he doesnt know how to wash and I make dinner most nights because I like to not because he wont. Your husband really needs to get a job or get to work at home

when I stayed at home (granted, that was a very short period of time, unfortunately) I did most of the cleaning and all the cooking. There is no reason you should be working full time AND doing all of the cleaning/cooking! Your husband needs to organize his time better. How difficult is it to do one load of laundry a day? To wipe down the kitchen counters? I know kids are generally in the way, but he doesnt have all 3 all day every day. Some mess is acceptable. Saving all of the laundry/chores/cooking for you? Unacceptable!

I'm at SAHM of a year old daughter with another on the way. My husband sometimes cooks one meal on the weekend and might do the dishes 2 or 3 times during the week. I do all the housework although he pitches in if its been a rough week. He also might do the laundry occasionally if he notices it needs to be done. However, I can consider all of these things to be my job and he is giving me a hand once in a while when necessary. If you are working and still nursing, he should be able to get the laundry done and most of the housework, especially if you have hired someone and your older two are out of the house at least part of the time. I agree with most of the others, that you are doing way more than a man in your situation would be doing. This is just a thought - but does he really want to be home with the kids? Is this an issue you might want to revisit?