SAHM Wondering How Others Deal with Family Finances

I also SAH and feel like I don't have my own money. I do not need permission to spend at all (NO WAY!) but DH always asks what was this for, etc because he is a detail freak and it all goes into the computer budget. That drives me insane enough (though I am cool with it). If I had to have my purchases approved I would feel like a child. That needs to stop!

You guys need to sit down and discuss this but not when an issue comes up. He may be getting the paycheck but your family contribution has a huge value. You have two babies!! I don't think it would be helpful to get into a tit for tat where your contribution is given a monetary value, aside from pointing out the obvious that there are A LOT of expenses if you go back to work. Many women barely clear any cash by the time all the daycare, clothing, commuting, convenience foods, etc is paid for.

I don't think it makes any sense to assign you a "salary" and be splitting bills and vacation spending or anything like that. That seems like it might exacerbate the problem. You guys need to get at a place where you are working as a unit. The money he makes is for your family. It's not his vs yours. His job is to go to work and get paid and yours is to take care of the family. Another thing to remember is that often money fights are about a lot more than money. If he does not value your huge contribution to the family, there are bigger problems that you really need to address now and perhaps a therapist would be helpful.

I think I would start with a budget. I recommend this to everyone I know (everyone always has issues with their partner about finances). If you track all spending it can be very freeing for feeling like you (as a couple) do have money and it is helpful in setting financial goals. I think we use MS Money but there are various inexpensive products to do it. It's a little work up front, but ongoing not. It can make a huge difference. Your DH might feel strapped and if you can see after a couple months where all the $$ is going, that can really help you see where there is wiggle room.

We haven't yet figured out how to make me feel like I have my own money but every single financial talking head I have ever seen has said that both partners should have their own bank accounts, if only so that you could get out of a relationship if you needed to. It has also been suggested that couples decide a threshold where over whatever amount, you need to discuss it, under that you can spend.

I think if you guys have been trying to deal with this for a while and the conversation is going nowhere, perhaps you should consider talking to a professional. That can provide a lot of clarity for people. You cannot continue to feel undervalued in the family. It's not good for any of you.

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Hello J., You have a very difficult situation on your hands. My sister lives like that and she works! I'm thankful to be a stay at home mom, and I have a husband that treats me as an equal. YOU ARE EQUAL, and you have to find a way to stand strong and not take that, you deserve more. Don't forget without you, he'd have to pay for a daycare, accountant, housekeeper, etc. You're value is at about $90-$140K according to OPRAH! Have you ever thought of working a home-based business. I've decided to try it out and so far I enjoy it a great deal. I'm promoting a company I truly believe in, and feel good about sharing with my friends and family. If you're interested, visit my website, put in your information (click get more info) and i'll call you and we'll have a no obligation chat. I will show you how you can generate an income for yourself. You NEED something to call your own, especially in your situation. YOU HAVE VALUE, LOADS OF IT. I'm sure you love you husband, otherwise you wouldn't have married him. Show him you are strong, you need this for YOU and your children. One other question, was he like this before you married him? GO to my website www.mommasdreambiz.com or email me directly at ____@____.com. I'm here for you. Join our team, and you'll grow in many ways, and always have the support of other stay at home moms like you. C. :)

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I'm not sure I understand why you consult at all for small purchases, however I can see value in discussing the issue further and making the boundries clear so they work for both of you. I'm in your reversed situation. I make six figures which is close to 3 times my husband's income. Our policy is- if you want to make a purchase over a hundred on something for yourself- bounce it off the other person. Otherwise, its a go. We save a lot of money and a lot of time not arguing that way. I trust that we have common intersts and common financial goals. If he spends $50 on comic books, I usually roll my eyes and smile but say nothing because I expect the same in return when I get carried away at a yard sale buying junk. I think the greatest challenge that you have ahead of you is helping your husband understand that his paycheck is not his money. It's both of your money.

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Hi J. - I don't know if this will be of any help, but here goes - When my husband and I got married (actually we lived together for a year first - so starting THEN) we sat down & decided how things were gonna work. I'd stay home with the kids (my oldest was 6 mos old at that point) & take care of the kids, making my hubby's lunch & stuff for work, cleaning the house, caring for the yard (mowing, raking, etc), doing all laundry & dishes, do all the cooking & running errands,taking care of the finances. He would go to work (he has a very physical job & works his toosh off every day) & be sure to bring home the money. Plus any side work he got.

HOWEVER - ALL THE MONEY THAT HE EARNED WAS BOTH OF OUR MONEY. We NEVER EVER had "his money" and "my money". That's, in my opinion, LUDACRIS!!!! You're married, what's yours is mine & what's mine is yours.

Now, I don't want anyone to think I'm a slave in my own home, bc I"m certainly not. I WANTED to be the stay at home mom. I enjoy doing the things I do. I love cooking, cleaning is 2nd nature to me & I thoroughly enjoy taking care of my kids ( i was even going to homeschool them but my hubby feels i need a break!!!). I don't mind keeping up the yard & stuff ... and I personally enjoy taking care of the finances & paying the bills b/c I make sure thigns get paid & on time.

Now I hope no one thinks that my husband doesn't do anything aside from work either - he takes care of all the cooking on the weekends & sometimes I help bc i love to cook. He helps clean up as well, He lets me sleep in sometimes & take the kids to the playground so i can rest. We do yard work together on the weekends, along with other things. He's very hands on with our boys & spends alot of time with them. He's a great guy & a terrific father & husband. But we had an agreement. I dont' have to work as long as things around here are done, bills are all paid in full & on time & dinner's on the table when he comes home from work. Simple enough.

As far as just the finances - I know what you mean. I don't ever buy anything for myself, but if I WANTED to, I could. The point is that I take care of the money. He makes the check & deposits it & I take over from there.

I use my online banking to keep track of everything. I wouldn't say we live by a budget, but I do know what bills are due what week & I always make sure there's enough aside for food & gas. We barely EVER save any money - cause we don't make enough to save anything in all honesty. We live paycheck to paycheck most of the time. When we're lucky & he gets side jobs (hes a mechanic & a damn good one) that money is for all our "extras" like that book I wanted, or a movie to rent, going out to eat, or going out to a movie, or out for a trip to the zoo, etc....

I feel the way you do sometimes too - my husband buys little things here & there. But I keep a list =0) & when he attempts to attack me over a purchase I pull out that list & say "oh yea? too bad! if it's such a problem - YOU STOP BUYING SH!t!"

He apologizes & says that he doesn't really care at all if I get anything I want - but that he was just stressing b/c an extra bill came in or that one of our kids needs the money for sports sign ups, etc...

We always find a way to work things out in the end. I've learned to just trust God & that's it. He always makes sure we get what we need.

If you feel like you're not appreciated then you'd better have a VERY serious talk with your husband. My hubby, since we've been married has done this to me 2 times now (we've been together 6 yrs) and the first time I cried & wrote lists to show him exactly what I do. One time however, I went 'on strike'. I'd take care of the kids, not make his lunch, make canned soup for dinner instead of the chicken parm or stuffed shells, etc that he's used to - and he had to make it himself, I'd do only mine & the kids clothes - let him do his own. I did everything with a smile on my face & stayed happy & bubbly & practically ignored him, but when he talked, I'd answer just "matter of factly", not to be rude. HE STOPPED GIVING ME CRAP RIGHT AWAY & APOLOGIZED. That was the LAST time he's ever made a comment about me staying home while he works.

If your hubby is acting this way then maybe if talking to him doesn't work, you should go to counceling. Or even find a mutual person you can both vent to who can be fair, etc. Good luck & God Bless.

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My guess is, this is not about the money for him, but about the control. Is he controlling in other ways?

You absolutely need your own checking account with a set amount going into it per month for whatever you usually spend - could be groceries, dry cleaning, kids' clothes and fees for any programs, and enough for your own needs. He should not be micromanaging you. If he is, seek counseling together or alone.

You are right about the cost to "replace" a SAHM - chauffeur, nanny, errand service, cook, grocery delivery service, and so on. You could try going away for a few days and let him cope with the kids - go visit a friend or a relative, and let him manage.

He may be legitimately worried about finances, so a budget would help. However, if this is a power play or is more about making you feel like dirt, there's a bigger issue at hand.

Good luck! Eleanor Roosevelt said that no one can make you feel inferior without your permission - but it's not easy to make that a reality! Don't give up - you have value!!!

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Why do women have to do it all? I've come to the conclusion that men don't really value us whether we stay at home or work. I've played both roles with my 22 month old. It has been a struggle to go out to work every morning, but now it's like doing two jobs.

Being a SAHM is sometimes more difficult because more is expected of you at home and you have no green stuff to show for it. You need to bring this out to your husband! We just get no appreciation! Also, you are the one making the sacrafices because it's tought staying at home without the social contact of other adults.

Spending should be equal!

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Having been through this myself as a SAHM and working with people on personal finances I would advise you to check out counseling on the marital level and finances. You do have worth financially. When a life insurance agent comes to your home he or she would ask your hubby how much it would cost him for daycare, chauffeur, maid and so on. You would be surprised at home many men don't realize what SAHMs do.

Money problems are usually a control issue. It is a behavior. Try the couseling first, then work with someone who can put a good plan together for both of you.

Blessings on your endevor!

L. B

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I'm shocked some moms' replies to you are "go back to work." Wow, is that we handle things? The problem spans far beyond you bringing home a paycheck, don't you think? It goes into your husband's communication with you and his feelings against you as an equal. You are working every day, too! Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Are you open to marriage counseling? My husband and I have gone before with other issues and it helped tremendously. It helped me see the wrongs on both sides and helped us communicate better as a team. that's the problem here-- you're not working as a team. I'm sure there is an easy solution for you both, but perhaps it will take some communication to get there. Also, I know my husband has a hard time talking about money--especially when we are broke. He is embarrassed to tell me 'no' because it makes him feel like he is not providing well enough. So, also give him the benefit of the doubt. Even though we take care of the kids, cleaning and so forth, they do have an added stress. So, find a way to work as a team and maybe try counseling to get there. (But going back to work will not solve all your problems!!! Your kids need you.) Hang in there and good luck, D.

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I think this is a very common problem for SAHMs. The best way I know of to deal with it is to determine an "allowance" for each of you that pays for things you each want - you should each get the same amount per month. My brother and his wife do this and it works really well for them. The allowance is specifically for things you want that he doesn't care about spending money on, so family vacations would not come out of it. Good luck getting your husband on board - I'm still negotiating with mine!

J., some men are that way, must have control. I would suggest you find something you can do and do it from home. I don't have the same problem, but mine spouse reminds me periodically of the things he has purchased for me, so to put a stop to that, I started working from home with a company that pays me. This way, I buy what I need and want.

I work with a team of SAHM's and SAHD's and we get together with members of the team every day, but via the phone, so it gives adult time as well. I would love to talk to you about it. So email me at ____@____.com. I absolutely love what I do.

The way my husband and I look at this, we're partners in this, and there's no "his" income or "my" income -- it's FAMILY income. So we set up three checking accounts. All our income (his salary and mine) goes into one joint account. (We're both self-employed, so some months he brings in the bulk of the income, and other months I do.) Out of that joint account we pay bills, larger expenses, family gifts, vacations, diapers, groceries, etc. Plus, we each have a personal checking account. Every month he and I get an equal amount taken out of our joint account and put into our personal accounts to save, spend or do whatever we want with. Good luck -- I hope your husband realizes how much you are contributing to the partnership!

Hi J.
You need to seek marriage counseling on this!! Your kids are young and you have a very long road ahead of you. If you don't learn how to communicate at every level including the decision to have you stay home for now...your marriage won't last.

I'll be married 20 years in March but that's because BOTH of us have learned how to communicate thru counseling on issues like these and knowing how to appreciate each other's side.

Good luck.
~K.

Fortunately, my husband understands exactly how much work I do to look after the kids. I also work part time from home, so basically whenever the kids are napping, I'm working, and this leaves little time for cleaning or cooking etc. I think my husband values my work so much because, among other things, for the first year of my older son's life, I worked full-time, two days in the office and two days at home. For one of my in-office days, my husband worked from home and took care of our son. So he has a very good idea of how difficult it is to do what I'm doing, but on a smaller scale because now we have two boys! My advice is to find a way to show your husband how hard your job is. If the problem is really that he doesn't think it qualifies as work just as hard as his work, then letting him try it out should set him straight. Then I would insist -- politely but firmly -- that you really need to have your own "salary" from him.

I have to say that I don't think it's a good idea to charge him for specific things, like doing his laundry. That seems fairly nitpicky and would only create more tension. Just agree on some amount that you should get above and beyond whatever you'd be contributing to household bills if you were working. Do remember that, if you were working, then each of you would be responsible for half of childcare expenses.

I never thought I would actually respond to one of these, but in this case feel that I should. Finances are always a problem in a relationship and need to be addressed. Try and talk to your husband - don't feel pressurized that "tonight" is the night - leave it until you feel the time is right and both of you are receptive to "chatting". Tell him your concerns and that you need a budget to work with. This budget could pay food / clothes etc - and then its up to you to use it wisely and have some left for you. Another suggestion is (I see you are a SAHM) - get together with other moms in the area and start a small play group. You'll look after their kids say three afternoons a week and they pay you for it. This money is then YOURS to spend on what ever you want - even if its a small gift for your husband! Another option is to cook home-made dinners that people can pop in and collect on their way home. (Not sure what your legalities with all this is though!). Good luck. Oh, and by the way, this answer comes all the way from South Africa, from an older Mom of 4 (15, 17, 19 and 21 years old). Have fun! J. Brown.

First off, get it out of your head that you make nothing..... You make it possible for him to earn six figures and that money is YOURS, too. I think lots of people are even more stressed out about finances in this tough economic climate. For example, your husband might be seeing tough losses in your 401k.... Who pays the bills? Put a budget together that includes money for you each week to spend on whatever - books, makeup, coffee.... Come from a position of power on this, but try to understand if your husband is feeling stressed (maybe he is afraid of losing his job - lots of people are!). Good luck and enjoys those kids!

Whose decision was it for you to stay home with the kids? I think it's interesting (i mean, insane!) for husbands who don't want their wives to work to also not want their wives to spend "their" money! Does he feel that you should be working outside of the home instead of staying home raising the kids and running the household? Honestly, I would reccomend counseling before I would an "allowance". Of course, I don't know your husband or your relationship as a whole, but it sounds like he is trying to control you by holding the pursestrings. This is not a healthy way to maintain a marriage. Think of how you would want your daughter to feel in a relationship; what kind of example are you setting for her? Or for your son? This is a marriage, a partnership! You should not have to crunch numbers to figure out your worth in this situation! Your worth is exactly the same as your husband's; do not devalue yourself and your place in your family by thinking of yourself as a replacement for a housekeeper and a babysitter....you are a wife and a mother! When both parents work, do you think that they calculate how much each load of laundry or dishes is "worth" to the family? Of course not! If you have to use numbers to make him understand your point, fine, but don't get trapped by an "allowance". That is ridiculous! You both have to be financially responsible to each other and your family, not begging for cash to buy groceries! I know every couple does things differently, but it seems like there may be more underlying control issues here. I hope I haven't offended you (or any other readers!) but your story really struck a chord with me. I am a SAHM, but I am in charge of the finances for the family. Most of the time it's *me* telling my *husband* not to spend any more money until payday, etc! I wish you all the best, good luck!

EDITED: I just wanted to mention that I do understand the issue of limited finances, but there is a difference between having a family budget and your husband giving you an allowance. Having spending limits is responsible and obviously necessary, but your issue seems to be more one of respect than of finances. Again, good luck!

J.-

I have the same issue at home. My husband works very hard and very long hours and doesn't see what i do as a SAHM as "work" because he THINKS he would like to do what I do instead of going to work and that it is easy. I have a 5 year old and a 2 year old and have been home with the kids the better part of 5 years. Up until the beginning of this year my husband did not make much money s i basically just had watch what i spent but he would check the bank account pretty much every day and question every expense. Since then he has started his own business and is making more money so we decided on a monthly "allowance". My allowance is basically for gas for my car, clothing for myself and the kids (excluding things they need like winter coats and change of season clothing shopping), eating out during the week for myself and the kids. So basically if my husband isn't with us then it comes out of my "allowance". One of my friends did the same thing except her gas is not included in the allowance. I would think an average of $100-$150/week not including gas is a good start.

good luck, I know how frustrating it is to feel undervalued and unappreciated.

A.

Would a part time job be feasible for your situation? Retail positions don't pay much, but do offer "mommy hours" and will work with your schedule. Also, perhaps a home based business in direct sales (home parties). I actually have a direct sales business that I started for extra income when I had my daughter. You set your own schedule. If you did 1 or 2 home parties a week, you could make $100-$200 each week for your own discretionary spending. ie. YOUR MONEY. If home parties is something you think may work for you, there are tons of them available. Make sure you love the products, it's your best way to insure your success.
You may also want to try couciling with hubby to find an acceptible arrangement to compensate you for your six-figure position as well. SAHMs are valued in the 6 figure range as well so you are absolutely contributing the same value (if not more) than your husband. He needs to understand it's a partnership and a family.
Best of luck to you.
Ali

Without asking a lot of questions my first thought is an allowance for you to spend how you choose. It should not be spent on food, gas, medications, or anything for the children. You can then save up, use some or choose what to do with it, maybe even buy him a surprise if he calms down!! Then you can buy books, gifts etc. My Grandmother always told me a woman needs her own stash of money for those little things husbands do not understand. I have always remembered that. My husband just retired and now I am the main breadwinner, he still manages the bills and gets my entire check. I still have my $ in cash that I take out and use when I do not want him looking but fortunately he never stops me from getting whatever I want or need. Of course big ticket items need to be discussed to make sure we do not go overboard. I have never had the chance to be a SAHM so there is always a little good and bad in every choice we make. GOOD LUCK

I'm of the mind that calculating your financial value and going from there could make things harder. After all, he probably couldn't afford your services! What we do is look at our actual earnings (meaning my husband's as I am also a SAHM for now), and have a rough budget for everything. The "spending" portion of it is evenly divided between the two of us, as is the "saving" portion. That way I get to decide how to spend or save "my" money that I earn by doing the part of our job that my husband can't right now...staying home nursing and caring for our infant son.

J.,

I'm sorry for your situation. Your husband needs to understand the true value of you staying home. I understand how you came up with a monatary value but you haven't included the true value your children are getting from you staying home with them. There is no way to measure that in dollars and sense. They are truely lucky to have their mom be able to stay home and be with them, no one else can give them that.

When my husband and I were trying to figure out if I could stay home my husband started paying all the bills from his salary and we figured we could manage. The other killer for us was that the daycare was almost 3/4 of my take home salary and I worked at least 45 minutes away -on a good day. To me it wasn't worth the time and money to be away from the baby and the stress it would put on me. You do need to tighten your belt but not to the point that you can't have a few dollars in your pocket.

As for your husband distributing the money, he needs to sit down with you and set up a budget that gives both of you some 'free' money that neither of you need to account to the other one for. This could be as small as $10 a week. This way you can stop and buy a book (however I would suggest going to the library and get some books out for you and for the kids, and stay for story time) or a coffee or go out to lunch with another mom and her kids. This is important -having your own money - and your husband needs to understand this. He needs to remember that you are his wife not his child and that he values you as such.

I know money is never an easy subject but your husband needs to stop being controlling and be a partner with you in this matter.

I hope this helps.

L. M

i think from what you have described your husband has a control issue and maybe you should see acounselor either with him or without him. you are doing the most important job anyone could do our children the most important assets we have. Also maybe your husband isn't telling you the whole picture of your finnacail status which is difficult for men to talk about. hang in there maybe he is unaware of your feelings regarding your role as mother.mother of 13 11 8 and 18mths sahm working a home based business check out i'm listed in mamasource but also worked for the first 4yrs of my 13 old life K.

My husband and I have had the same kinds of problems. I'm also a SAHM. We finally got some help in the personal finance department that department and was shown how to make a budget to plan for things like this.

We both were given our own checking accounts. He can spend "his" money any way he likes and i can spend "my" money any way I like. He generally only pays for gas and the rest goes to God only knows what (gas station foood mostly).

I get a MUCH larger allotement of money becasue it is my responsibility to pay for everything else -- food, toilitries etc. Any extra i have i can spend on myself -- which believe me isn't much. The main thing here is that he can't say anything about how i spend the money as long as i don't go over.

We also have a seperate account and an accounting for things like clothes, medicine, christmas expences, vacations etc.

I hope this helps!!!!!

I remember reading something in Newsweek about what a mom's salary would be if she were compensated for all the cleaning, cooking, shopping, driving, coordinating, childcare, etc.

so I just quickly google-searched and found this
http://www.salary.com/aboutus/layoutscripts/abtl_default....
about SAHM salaries. you will be pleasantly surprised about what you're worth.

insist on an allowance from "his" income so that you can spend as you wish - maybe in a separate account.

good luck!

Hi I am not a stay at home mom but I believe marriage is a partnership and you both should have the same amount of spending money.Any larger purchases should should be decided by both of you because it affects the whole family.Does he want you to work at all? He obviously has some issues with you staying home.That also should be a joint decision.It is best for kids while they are little that you stay home.If he makes enough money it shouldn't be an issue and he should be thinking of the kids best interest.Good luck T.

Sounds like somewhere along the line, you two stopped working as a team! I'm going to assume your husband probably has money in the stock market and is stressing over financial security. Is there a chance his job may be in jeopardy? I have the feeling that there are some things he is not saying and you need to be on the same page together.

While I don't have any children yet, I always believed I would be a SAHM, because that is how I was raised. I started a home-based business about 4 years ago. This was partly because we live in the country and there is little for employment opportunities here, but also to see if I could succeed before having children. It started as selling stuff around the house on Ebay, and gradually I've added items that I manufacture myself. Think long and hard about what talents you have and how you could use those abilities to give yourself that little bit of independence you're missing. There are a lot of financial benefits to starting a home business as well.

How do we do our finances? Hubby pays the household bills, I pay for groceries and match the mortgage every month. He pays for home improvements, I make sure there's a hot meal on the table every night. We don't keep score, but we do discuss any major expenses. We maintain separate bank accounts. Some may disagree with this arrangement, but it works for us.

My husband and I each take a weekly budget to spend on such misc items. We agreed on an amount and stick to it. I usually end up spending most of mine on the kids or meeting a friend for lunch. I don't know what he spends his on and I don't ask. It's mad money and that is the purpose. It eliminates a lot of the arguing about, "you spent how much on what!?!"

Good Luck!

I work just weekends as a nurse, but I still make a decent income. However, everything we both make goes to bills and savings and I felt guilty when I wanted to buy something more than a coffee even though he didn't care. I know you are going to say ugh!! because its all anyone talks about, but Arbonne is my life saver. I don't do it full time,enough to get me out of the house and some spending money. look into it.

My husband and I have a very detailed budget. All of the family's expenses are paid out of our joint account. Each month, we each get money transferred into our two personal accounts. I actually get more than him because I have more personal expenses - he might only get a haircut and go out with some friends a few nights a month. Being a guy, he rarely shops for clothes or stuff like that! He's not spender and couldn't care less about his personal account, but he understands that I am different.

We put as much of our household expenses on our joint credit card as we possibly can and the card is automatically paid out of our joint checking account. He is responsible for getting us the best deals on things like cable/cellphone/etc. I am responsible for coming in under budget on things like groceries, kids expenses, and entertainment. This year, we implemented a new idea - if I come in under budget on the things I control, I will get a bonus in my personal account!

We are careful not to be overly rigid with the budget...if we find we are consistently over budget in an area regardless of our concerted efforts to spend less, we might adjust that line item up and then take away from one of the areas where we are consistently under budget. One example of that was with our "kids" expenses. We have two boys and had unrealistically allocated $75 a month to "kids". Over time, that line item has increased to $300 but it includes everything from clothes and toys to swimming lessons and other classes to misc kid related items like the humidifiers in their rooms.

Hi J.-
I found your post very interesting. I am not in the same situation, but thought I'd offer some suggestions. First, SAHM's are often undervalued and I think the general population doesn't appreciate that being a full-time parent is a round the clock job. I think I read somewhere that if a mother's work had a monetary value on it it would be something like $250,000 a year. Quite a figure!

It seems like perhaps your husband is not realizing all the work that you do and that he doesn't trust you to use money responsibly. I think the best thing to do is to work with both a therapist and a financial planner, to help you sort our your communications and maybe have a clearer picture of what you and your husband need. Bringing in a third party can often help alleviate blow out fights and help communication be moderated.

I hope you don't mind my candor and I hope my suggestions are helpful. My husband and I have financial fights all the time, so I can certainly relate.

Good luck and I hope it works out for you.
L.

Hi J.,

First, I'd like to know if your staying home is a mutual decision between you and your husband. Second, your husband doesn't "own" you; you are not his nanny, you are his wife, and as such, you should be able to say when you or the family need something, that you need to purchase. You should be running by him your going shopping, but not have to necessarily ask for permission or money. This is not healthy.

If you both decided on it, then there must also be some give in regards to the spending, in that you should have some sort of "regular" amount of money you could use for yourself per pay check. I've only been a SAHM since January, and I'm barely getting to like it. I'd been working all of my life (since 3 yo with my family)and come from a large family who believe that both parents should have a part in the income. The only reason I've been at home is because we moved accross the country for a better paying job for my husband, and we decided I stay home on unemployment to slowly look for work. Unfortunately, finding work now has been tough (the economy, of course). I've come to find out how hard it is to stay at home, always busy doing something. It just seems that I work so much more now, than I did when I was at work 12 hrs a day. I'm tired more often, and I feel like I'm always in a hurry. It's certainly not easy, and like you, my husband had begun to treat me a little like yours treats you. I finally got tired of it, and ended up blowing up on him. I demanded he help me at least 2 nights if not 3 nights a week, that he at least put his own things away or put things back from where he got them, and stop eating out every day at lunch, so that I have a little spending money too.

This talk was 3-4 weeks ago, and this week is the first week he began to take his lunch. We've compromised he take lunch 3-4 days a week, and eat out the other. The $ saved from his taking lunch will essentially be saved to use for whatever I like, and in hindsight, we're still spending as much as if he were eating out, so nothing has changed. On the other hand, I'm also in charge of managing our bills, so I do have a say on how much he could spend too. I type up all of our bills on a spreadsheet, complete with our current balance, so that he could see how much we have left to spend until pay day. This helps him to see, so that he doesn't think I'm pulling one over him. He's ultimately been more understanding, and been doing a bit more, but I've learned to talk to him as soon as I feel there's a problem, rather than blowing up again. It's worked well, but I know not all men are as understanding as my husband. I also take the time to thank him for providig for me and the kids, and putting up with me and the complaints I now have, that I never had when I worked, and for anything he does that makes me feel appreciated. That seems to help him to give me more assistance. I do wish you luck, and hope that you find a way to fix your relationship with your husband.

Mari

I babysit on the side to get some money to spend of my own. But I know exactly how you feel. I feel the same way quite often.

I am not a SAHM so I can't say that I understand or really have any advice to you on how to deal with your current issue. I really never wanted to stay at home, because no matter how much of a "value" they claim a stay at home mother has...their is no real money coming in. And to say someone would need to pay an accountant, a housekeeper, and ect is also unrealistic because MANY women who work outside the home still do all of those things. The only real finance you save by staying at home is not having to pay day care expenses. I am not saying though that every woman should go to work. Its a family decision. In my family I make the larger paycheck and my husband carries the insurance, so staying at home is not a possibility for me. Even if it where I would probably still work. Your husband carries all of the burden of paying the bills and depending on how he is maybe he also worries about college expenses and retirement savings as well. So even though he may seem unreasonable, he is making it financially possible for you to to stay at home by making sure that money being spent is necessary. I am not sayng you aren't worth spending money on, but is the money really there to be spent??? An at home business might work well for you so that all the money earned is yours without question on how to spend it. An also keep this in mind, where you may not have an income the ability to be with your children everyday all day caring for them, playing with them and seeing their every milestone is priceless!! Might I add that even though I work outside the home all day, I bring my daughter to work with me 3 out of 5 days. So I get to see my daughter and earn a paycheck :O)

Money and bill paying equity were issues in our married relationship early on, but by the time kids were in the mix 5 years later, my husband was more relaxed about everything. I will never make as much money as my husband can, but I have always pitched in and worked, done my best to save money on necessities, etc.

I think your solution is fair, but personally I would resent even that structure. Simply the cost of daycare must preclude your return to work if you aren't in a lucrative field. He can't expect you to consult him over the purchase of paperback books! Ridiculous! I think you should show him the prevailing rates for services that your family would use if you were not a SAHM and just see how he reacts. Maybe he has no idea. Then, tell him how humiliating it is to have to beg for small amounts of money to buy personal things. It makes your relationship more like parent/child than partners. Children grow up to rebel and leave.

Go over your complete finances together (maybe you don't know the whole picture here) and come up with a reasonable amount that can be deposited directly into a private account for you on his payday. That way what you spend money on is your business only. My DH arranged for direct deposit of part of his check to my private account. This covers household expenses that I am in charge of with some left over for just me. I use a joint charge account for large necessary purchases that come up.

You need to get this settled. Resentment is building and rightly so.

J., Thank you for opening my eyes. We're in the same situation except I am the one who is the control freak. I do all the bill paying and juggling of daily/monthly expenses. He is the provider and I am the manager/magician that magically stretches the almighty shrinking dollar into a nearly perfect fit. Since I am "your husband"s" role in this senario, I can share with you some of the things that your hubby may be feeling...but first and foremost...YOU need to be validated! I am re-reading a book by Dr. Gary Chapman called "The five love languages" I highly recommend it. (if hubby will put it in the budget for you it would be his best investment ever!)
From my perspective, I control the finances for the greater cause. When something is spent without my knowledge it tips my security scale and I feel betrayed for lack of a better word. It's because I am doing all I can to keep us a float and then he goes and buys something simple at Ace hardware w/o telling me and now that money is not there for something else I budgeted it for. I hate that it is so tight, and I struggle with the fact that he is a great provider and yet because of our debt he can't make a purchase w/o going through me for approval. It is very humbling. There are times I wish HE would take over the finances, but I feel like I am protecting him from the ugly train wreck. He already is medicated for high blood pressure. This would put him over the edge. But enough about my situation. I just think that your husband may have some hidden control issues.(as do I) If he is blowing up about $35 in paperbacks, then there is alot more to the picture than he is telling you. It's not about how much money you make that determines your financial stability, it is how much you keep after your expenses are met. If he is open to sitting down with you as a partner to let you know what the whole picture holds, then maybe you can communicate better and get an understanding of what each of you expects from the other and for your finances.
Counceling is always a bonus if it is easily accessible, but not all people are comfortable with a 3rd party telling them like it is.
I wish you the best in this enormous struggle. When you get through this, just remember the lessons learned because you will be able to help others though it when the time is right.
You are an awesome soul who is a loving and compasionate Mom and wife. There is NO price tag big enough to validate your position in life. Keep up the great work.

J., I think simply put, you need to go back to work. I think everyone who becomes a Mom wants nothing more than to stay at home with their babies. No mother wants to drag their kids out of bed, pack bags/bottles/diapers and drop their crying babies off to a daycare, but, sometimes reality is -- financially we may need to. have you thought of maybe working a later shift?? your husband could have them while you perhaps waitress a few nights per week or possibly your own business (pampered chef, candles, athena etc...) sorry, I'm sure this is not what you wanted to hear, but it sounds like being a SAHM is just not financially a sound decision for your family. best of luck.. L. C.

J.,

I feel for you, I truely do. I have been a stay at home mom for 7 years. I came from Corporate America and going from a very nice paycheck to nothing was extremely hard. My husband & I sat down, I explained to him that we both made the decision for me to be home with our children and that I didn't ever want him to put me in the position where I felt like I was begging for money. He gives me a check each week that goes for the groceries, gas and anything else I need. I am careful what I spend but also know that if I happend to need a little extra all I have to do is let him know. Try to sit down with your husband and have a financial discussion. Express to him how you feel, you're married, whats his is yours and whats yours is his :-)

The money is yours just as much as it is his. You are partners. My husband puts money each week into a personal account for me and he also pays the credit card bills. That way I have some me personaly spending money and the bills are taken care of. This is a partnership and you both need to talk to a counselor so that you feel like you are an equal partner in this relationship because money is the single biggest reason why people divorce. Usually the woman feels undervalued in the relationship. You should have access to the money just as he does and if he can't trust you to make good judgments with the money that you access to than you have a lot more problems than just feeling undervalued. Good luck and nip this in the bud now so that it doesn't eat at your relationship.

EDITED: That is a great idea about an allowance you each (NOTE: EACH) get each month or week to spend on whatever personal things you each want, the rest goes into a joint savings account or bill paying account etc. That way he gets what he wants and you get to buy things you want. You spend the money how you want. How would he feel if he had to run every purchase he makes through you? He wouldn't have anything to do with it. Staying at home is a hard enough as it it. It is physically and mentally exhausting and he shouldn't make it even tougher on you. ... What happens when you want to buy him a christmas present or birthday present? Does he have to approve of the purchase?

I'd personally start charging him for daycare, maid service etc.Remember to charge him for anything you can come up with. mileage for taking his suits to/from the cleaners. Make him pay you $2 a load for washing his clothes. then $1 to dry them . or by the pound for drop off service. Call some local businesses and get prices for child care...etc. Also if he comes home and wonders what you do all day.. STOP DOING what you do all day except what you need to take care of you and the kids.. Day care here cost like $150 for first child second child is 10% off or so so ask those questions to a couple of day cares and call the expensive place and the home care ones as well. Just for prices ... Tell the why you are calling It will make thier day. As well as a laundromat. call a taxi company for prices/rates for taking a cab to run his suits to the cleaners for you. oh and don't forget to send him an itemized bill for all this.. He'll cough up the $35 for some books for you..and think it is a great bargin.. another thing to try is ask him if he will pay daycare so you can go back to work make him find child care.. I'm thinking he'll change his tune.. It worked with my current Husband .. my ex was awful you know i spent all his money?? I paid the bills and that was it he didn't earn much else.. and he refused to let me leave the kids with a sitter to go to work.. no wonder we are divorced ...best gift he ever gave me.

J.- there is an article in parenting this month about this. i haven't read it yet, but you could look it up on line & read it, perhaps have hubby read it too if you felt it would beneficial.
i am sahm, have my own business, i worked outside the home till baby #3. we haven't fought @ $$ yet, thank goodness..
good luck! (sorry no caps, nursing infant, one hand typing)

I can't see how it would work in marriage to think of money as split between two. Legally, it is common property. You definitely do work that has a financial value, but still, no one is paying you, so you can't pay bills out of what you don't have. You and your husband have to think of "his" money as belonging to both of you, or else it will always be a thorn in your side. His money is your money, your bills his bills. Any vacation money belongs to both. . .you're both enjoying the vacation, and you can't pay for your share anyway.
I am sort of a SAHM and a full time professional at the same time (my job is very flexible and I work from home a lot), and my husband works. My husband is extremely careful about money for a multitude of reasons. Like yours perhaps, he is very worried about the recent downturn in the economy. Every pay cycle, he allots what should be our discretionary (purely personal), and we divide it in half. Sometimes it's $50, usually it's only $20 for two weeks. This may not seem like a lot, but we're so busy that we don't have time to spend money! I have certainly cheated by putting some things on a card, but for the most part try to stick to it. Although he can be a little rigid about it, he has been able to save impressively.
I don't know if this is the case, but you may want to watch out for controlling behavior. It is infantilizing to ask your husband for money, as if you were a teenager asking Dad. I would feel humiliated too! Try to discuss it calmly with him, and ask to see your family budget. Good luck!

Hi J.,
That is a tricky situation. You need your own money period. No questions asked on how you use it. You work full time for the family corporation and the sooner he realizes that the better off the family will be. What would happen if you went on strike??? Luckily I am a sahm of 6 whose husband has never been a stickler over me spending money for anything. I don't ever have to explain. We just usually don't have a lot of it to go around with six kids. But you need to talk to him about the situation. He sounds like he has a bit of a control issue when it comes to the finances so you may need to request a "budget" for groceries per week or month and a "budget" for misc. expenses such as birthday presents for the parties the kids go to, things that come up when he is not around and things like that, and a "budget" for you. You said you worked out the amount for you so you know what you want to ask for for yourself and the others I wrote down are just something to get your point across to him....I think his issue may actually be more about control than about how much money you actually spend. But I could be wrong. Hope this hepls.
M.

Sounds like major issues are happening at your house! My husband works, a lot of hours, and I stay home with our 3 children. He feels that half of his paycheck is mine, because I work 24/7. We don't have seperate accounts, we don't count pennies to see who spent the most last month, and we only run purchases over $100 past eachother. What your husband is doing, in my opinion is unfair.

We are not a six figure income family either. If your husband is making that much, why is $35 in paperbacks such a big deal? He needs to back down a bit!

After I had my first child I worked full time. I always thought that SAHM were incredibly lucky and had always wished that I could stop working. After my second child I stopped working because financially it just didn't make sense. For those years I did not get any help from my husband without a fight. I always thought that women who stayed at home did not deserve any help from their husbands because it was their job to take care of the children and the home. I realized very quickly that the grass is always greener. I also realized that as much as it was tough to work full time with a child, I underestimated how nice a coffee break was or how much I took for granted talking with other women at work. I had this picture that I would be meeting girlfriends at the mall with our kids or having coffee while the kids played quietly in the other room. Ha Ha HA!!! Boy was I wrong! The reality was with two kids running around all day my house had never looked worse. What I didn't realize was that even when I was working, at least there wasn't anybody home during the day to make a mess. I spent much less time housekeeping than I did when I stayed at home. After baby number three I went back to work nights. My husband and I worked opposite hours. After a couple of months of that he said he had no idea how I did it. He said going to work was a vacation. Don't get me wrong, Staying home is a wonderful luxury for me. I am extremely lucky. I now stay home with my four kids. The big difference is now is that my husband knows how hard it is. He treats me as a total equal. Just this support completely changes my feelings about staying home.
I don't mean to ramble on. I don't think your husband is being mean or selfish. I just think that he doesn't understand. I am sure that he has his stresses at work and that is understandable, but you are raising your children and keeping up a home. This is hard work too. It is VERY rewarding, but it is hard work. Just because you are a SAHM doesn't mean that you are a prisoner. I don't care who's bringing home the money. Marriage and raising children is a joint effort. You certainly deserve to go out and buy a few books. Don't ignore this just to avoid an argument. It's never fun to argue, but this will never change unless you put your foot down. Maybe you could leave the kids for the day on a weekend and he will see how tough it can be. Whatever you do, you have to find a way to make him realize that you count too.