Sahm's Do You Feel Undervalued?

Today is one of the first times in a long long time that I feel undervalued. Here's why:

My kids were talking about people's salary. My son says "People get paid what they're worth." Thinking I could nip this in the bud real quick I ask him "Then why don't I get paid?"

He says "Maybe you don't clean or cook enough."

I sent myself to the bathroom for a 10 minute time out.

You're not alone.

No I NEVER feel undervalued just because I am a SAHM.
Why should I?

No one, have ever treated me, like that in a noxious way, nor taken advantage of me, since I am a SAHM.

I know who I am, SAHM or not.
My friends know who I am, and treat me, well and respectfully.
Always.

When people do that, tell them you have plans and you can't watch their kids. No need to give any excuses, I've noticed some people will prod to see if you really do have plans.

LEARN TO SAY NO!!!! People take advantage of people who don't show resistance. You have to train people how to treat you.

It's all about unexpressed or unrealistic expectations. Speak up!

*ADDED* No O. can "make" you feel any way--except yourself. The problem is you are letting yourself be a doormat.

Sounds like you know some rude people. Ironically, I work full time yet it seems to be the SAHM's dropping their kids with me when I get home from work bc I have it so easy getting to be at work all day... So my kids are taken care of all day by our nanny who I pay and/or in camp. I never ask a SAHM for help. Yet that translates into tons of kids at my house after 5:00 and on weekends bc some SAHM's seem to think they need a break so why can't I watch their kids?... Yes, I'm getting a bit bitter. I do want to be home with my kids when not working but it'd be nice to see some reciprocity. I don't send these kids home though bc my oldest loves socializing so much. So I'm letting myself be taken advantage of for my kids' sake. If you're not doing all this childcare for YOUR kids' sake, just start saying no. I'd never assume a SAHM has no schedule etc. Start speaking up!

I don't think the word "undervalued" is the one you are looking for... more like "taken advantage of" and it sounds like you are!

Two thoughts... I'm a working mother and would NEVER ask a SAHM mom to watch my son. If a friend offers, I only take them up on the offer if I have a short errand to run, but would hire a sitter if I needed someone for more than an hour.

Second, you can only get "weasled" if you allow yourself to! Start saying "no" or making yourself unavailable. Who are these people who are rude and inconsiderate? If they aren't your direct neighbors (b/c they would know if you were lying) tell them that you have plans that afternoon and can't watch their child. If they come over without calling first, then when they show-up tell them that you are on your way out, even if you weren't. Tell your own kids to grab their shoes, grab your own purse and leave the house- go fill up the gas tank, get milk, or take YOUR kids to get ice cream!

If you are not comfortable with an outright "no", then make yourself unavailable. I know that it's easier said-than-done, but at the same time if you don't tell these folks in some way that this behavior is not okay with you, they won't know otherwise!

Sounds like you already know the answer, and the word is "no". We have all been there, our working friends just assuming we are able to take their kids at the drop of a hat, forgetting that not only do we have own lives, but that the reason we choose to stay at home is so we can spend time raising our own kids, not other peoples! I am happy to help out a friend who does not take advantage, but the second someone over steps I will put them back in place. I am not a free daycare center.

To your question, yes I feel undervalued by society. But not by my children or husband so I feel more sorry for women who buy the lie that "just being a mom" isn't enough and fulfilment comes from career.
As for your explanation for feeling the way you do, I think you have other traits that make this the case for you. Not one of them being a SAHM. Sounds like you struggle to say no, set boundaries, or make your wishes and needs known to your family and friends. I don't personally struggle with boundary issues so none of what you describe happens to me.

I'm a stay at home mom also and I know NO ONE that would dream of doing that to me. I think it's really odd that anyone would do it to you.....

You'll stop the childcaring real fast if you charge $30 per child, flat rate, cash up front PERIOD. It's a SERVICE. Just DO it. Or, if you don't stop it, at least you'll get paid for it. :)

Have a back bone! By the way, as a paid professional myself, I don't want to hear that people are watching children for free and resenting it. I've dedicated my entire life to the service and so have my sister caregivers. We deserve to get paid and no one should get something for nothing in this life. It's one thing if you trade each others services on purpose to save money. But that's not what's going on here.

I've had a few people ask if I could watch their kid, but never just drop in and leaving them with me!

You need to say NO when you can't, or don't want to, take someone else's kid. Don't make yourself so available if you don't want to be. Get caller ID and screen your calls for a while - people will get the hint that you need to be "booked in advance" if they need you for childcare.

YES. With the exception of two friends I feel like most people don't recipocate.

i would say the only thing that really makes me mad is when people say, "well i couldn't do it. i'd be sooo bored. what do you do all day? what are you going to do when the kids are in school." like i have nothing to do, and just sit on the computer all day :).

Read "Radical Homemakers", you might like it.

I had the general sense that my house would be needed as a drop-in community center this summer, so I formalized it.

We are OPEN (with a sign out) from 9am to 8pm Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. There is a chores list posted on the wall, and everyone who comes over is expected to take a chore. I will set up one formal activity, serve 3 meals, and expect to "float" around doing odd jobs and helping kids for the day. At the end of the day, we do a group clean-up. The entire house and yard has to be up to standards (everything in it's place) by 8pm. Anyone can come at any time or leave at any time. I reserve the right to shut the house down unexpectedly if something comes up.

We are CLOSED on Mondays and Fridays. Anyone who comes to the door when the closed sign is up is is asked "Does this sign say closed? Yes, it does. Is someone bleeding? Is this an emergency? No? Go away. We will be open on Tuesday." I seek childcare on Mondays from people who use our services Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. Friday is our day for field trips and resident kids to clean their rooms.

Weekends are variable.

No money is exchanged.

This has been terrific. I'm not running around the city, because my kids' playmates are coming to me. My house is cleaner. I get a day off. I'm less stressed. Everybody's happy.

Your skills and services are vitally needed in this society. Start taking yourself seriously. Decide what you can offer on what terms and make this clear. Also decide what you need on what terms and make that clear. I've found that adults not only respect this, they love it. Kids need a little help with the respecting boundaries part, but they also love the clear communication.

Hope this helps. Good luck!

They come by without calling? RUDE!!

Yeah, people think because I work from home I have ALL this free time... YEAH RIGHT. I'm usually the one calling for favors, LOL!! BUT, since fair is fair, I do try to take my friends kids with us to the library or the river, just to make sure everything's even. If I have the time/energy, great, but if not, I say no!!

Turn it around on them, start asking your friends (?) at least twice a week to watch your kids. See how quickly they hesitate next time before assuming you're not busy.

You are popular and loved. But yes they should be considerate. I would not like that either. Time to set your boundries, not answering the door or saying "no your not available.....sorry". That is a hard position to be in.

When I stayed at home I did watch and drive other kids around. I usually watched for other stay at home moms but the driving was usually for the working moms. No one ever just expected it though. They asked, ya know.

I does actually sound like you have some rather rude friends. :(

I'm with you, though I'm fortunate to be in a group with a lot of other SAHM's, so we get to commisserate on that, and I don't get too much of the dropping kids off or cancelling (other than kid issues - upset tummies, temper tantrums, that sort of thing). It's the other people, who aren't SAHMs right now.

My mother-in-law (who was also a SAHM when her kids were young!) sometimes calls me to do things like make sure her garage door is closed or double-check her crock pot (she couldn't remember if she'd turned it on or not). She has asked me "I decided to change my flight - and I don't want to take a cab - can you take me to the airport? In an hour?" She did this VIA E-MAIL. She only communicates via e-mail. (I only saw it by accident - a girlfriend was helping me set up some new passwords on a different site.) Another girlfiriend calls me several times a day - when she's bored. Because I'm home, right? Now, I don't mind talking on the phone while I'm doing other things, but it's not always easy, and now that the kids are older, they need more time and attention. I've started ignoring about half of her calls.

I've also told my mother-in-law that I will run the errands at her house only if the kids and I are going out, anyway. (It's not usually a safety issue - you can't get into the house, her garage is detached.) I've also pointed out to her (several times) that I'm doing other things besides sitting in front of the computer all day, and if she wants to reliably reach me, she'll have to call.

Peopld break plans with us sometimes, too. We usually just go anyway, with or without them.

My advice? If people show up unexpectedly, answer the door while wearing shoes and holding your car keys - tell them you're on your way out. (And then go out! Library, pool, park, McDonald's, whatever.) If people drop off their kids, start telling them they need to drop off snacks, and drinks, too. (Lie, if you have to, and say you haven't been grocery shopping.) I imaging babysitting everyone's kids gets expensive.

Hang in there, lady. We know we're important, right?

I love it that you are so generous with your time and willingness to help your friends. However, I see that it can get to be a bit too much sometimes. If I were you, and wanted to help people this way, I would plan ahead on my schedule the days that I am willing to help in this way. Mark them on your calendar as "babysitting" days. If someone needs you that day, great. If they try to schedule you on an "off" day, let them know you are not available on that particular day. You are not obligated to give excuses. You need to control your calendar, and this is one way to do it. Likewise, if your phone rings, you don't have to answer it. That is what caller ID and answering machines are for. Take charge of your life. It's the only one you have. If you have someone who wants to do something fun with you, you can always know the days you are available. And, if someone hasn't already booked you for a "babysitting" day, you can always change that date to a fun day for you. You sound like a very generous and kind friend. We need more people like you in the world.

You teach people how to treat you. They are treating you like a door mat. My husband was better at it then me. He said we are sacrificing for you to stay home so our kids don't have to go to daycare and if you keep other people's kids then it becomes like daycare. Tell them NO. Get your life back and create the life you want for yourself and your kids.

Learn to say no and don't feel guilty about it!

These people don't sound like friends. Friends wouldn't treat you like a doormat.

stand up for yourself! teach your kids how to stand up for themselves by example! you can dooo it :)

NO your NOT wrong! I'm in the same boat as you! So I totally understand how you feel! As for the "dropping off" someonelse's kids at my place, I put my foot down on that one! But I do have to sometime's turn down get together's with some of my "single" girl friend's, its hard to do things when you have kid's, don't get me wrong, I would rahter spend all the time in the world with my children but we sometimes need to get out but it's impossible. Plus, my house is on a corner of our block so when neighbors, or friends drive by the will just stop by without giving me a thumbs up! I would never do that only because I myself don't like that, it's like I'll be busy doing house work or may have to go out or something. So what I started doing now is when the door bell rings I just don't answer if im not expecting anyone over. I have even mentioned to some of the moms I know that I would like them to call me before they come by our house and yet they ignore it! Just brush them off! ANd for the "being late" thing, the next time they invite you out somewhere then you should show up late and let them see how it feels. I'm one that has to run on a schedule, I have too! But I feel you!

Yeah, this happened to me a lot too. Still, better THEM dropping off their kids with ME, than ME dropping off MY kids with them. Least that's the way I look at it!

:)

It sounds like you know what to do but need to hear how. I had to learn how to say no without feeling guilty. I would just say, "I am so sorry that I can't help you today. I have such a busy day that I don't even know what to do with my own kids." It's all true. I am sorry and I am always busy so it is not a lie. Or if you have plans, just say, "I am so sorry that I can't help you today. I have plans and I can't include your child(ren)."

When a person asks what I am doing or comes up with some reason why I HAVE to help them, I just repeat what I just said. They can't argue with what they don't know. Keep it vague. If they ask what, just say, "I don't even know where to start. I'm sure you understand. Oh, I hear ____ calling. Sorry I can't help." Or if you have plans, say, "I'm sorry I don't have time to go into details, I have to get ____ ready. Sorry I can't help you today." Cut the person off. They have to learn to not be so rude or you will have to be rude back.

Good luck. You can do it!!

Do not give a list, do not go into details, because people can make it work. If you repeat over and over what you just said, it finally will sink in. Will they get upset? Probably, but your job is to be the best mom you can be.

Wow, unreal! I can't believe your follow up post about taking someone's child on for 6 weeks (...and overnight and on vacation!!!). You are a very kind and generous individual. No, this is not typical. While I do have people judge me and make comments like, "what do you do all day?" I certainly don't sit around the house. You are only as busy as you want to be and I am a busy body. I don't appreciate people knocking my way of life just because they chose to take their life in a different direction. ..I have never had people use me like a sitter. My girlfriend and I keep each other's kids but it's very equal. It's a nice thing. You are being taken advantage of, although I'm sure these women don't realize it. You should let them know. ...lastly, people should never show up at your door step unannounced and put you on the spot. That is inconsiderate. Good luck.

Don't allow them to "assume" anymore and give them clearer expectations. If they assume they can drop their kids off say, "no, because you have X to do." If the same friends keep breaking/cancelling plans, stop hanging out with them for awhile and when they wonder why, explain it to them.