Sad . . . and a Little Frustrated

This might be a radical idea, but why don't you let her go see what her Dad is like all the time? Can he create the fun time illusion 24/7 week after week month after month? Then let him try. You've got other kids at home who need you, and the tug of war with Daddy Dearest isn't fair to anyone. So don't play. Let him have primary custody and she can visit you every so often. After 6 months to a year of reality, daughter might see the light.

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Hi S.,

I was in a very similar situation with my ex. He just didn't want to pay child support and constantly intruded my household. This drama went on for almost 6 years until I let my daughter go live with her dad--permanently. My daughter wanted so badly to live with him. It was a very tough decision for me, I cried many nights, but I eventually had no other option. I WISH I would have done it sooner instead of battling it out. I went through a lengthy, nasty costly custody battle and in the end, I just let her go because she wanted to go to the "fun" house. After she moved in with him, within a year, his wife left him, he lost his house, and the "fun" stopped. If I had not let her go, it would have cost me MY marriage and my relationship with my daughter. In the long run, it was the BEST decision I ever made and my daughter and I have a great relationship now. And you know what? I still will not let her move back to my house--she has to learn to make it work with her dad. I love my quiet, peaceful household and will keep it that way. If you let her go, I can tell you this: Your ex will learn quickly what it is like to be a full-time parent. Let him find out. Don't interfere with either of them and let them learn to live with one another. She'll come back wiser and more respectful, guaranteed. Sometimes the good Lord wants children to learn an adult lesson early one. As long as you are not bitter and leave them alone, she will respect you and start seeing things for what they are. It may take a few years, but it will happen. It won't be fun for your ex once the day to day grind sets in. My daughter and ex both needed a dose of reality. Now, my ex is civil to me and our co-parenting situation is great. The lesson that my daughter has learned is that the grass is not always greener on the other side.

Live and learn,

M.

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Since you're paying for the lessons anyway when he signs her up, I suggest that you sign her up first. That way you get the credit for what you're already spending money on.

Because it's summer, I suggest that you arrange with her Dad for her to spend the summer with him and you not pay for anything. In this way she'll see for herself what sort of person he is. He can't keep up the good times full time.

You're not giving him custody. You're still her legal custodian. You're allowing her to have a long term visit. If at the end of summer she wants to stay, which I don't think is likely, let her stay. You don't mention what his business is. If summer is off season he will have time to spend with her but come winter he won't.

Be vigilant about talking with her while she's gone. Let her know that you love her and want her to live with you but since it's summer you thought it was a good idea that she spend more time with her father. Talk about the arrangement as a usual sort of arrangement that other families have in the summer. Don't challenge her by talking about how she'll see it's not so much fun. Tell her she deserves to spend time with her Dad.

I think she'll be glad to come back home before the summer is over. She'll miss you and her brothers as well as her friends. Her father won't be able to maintain the "good times" 24/7. She'll see that he's got his drawbacks too.

I suggest this because at 13 she's entering an age where she's apt to become increasingly more dissatisfied with the way things are at home. By having this experience she won't have the fantasy of life being better with Dad and will be more realistic in her expectations.

I also add the suggestion that you read the book, "How to Talk so Children with Listen and How to listen so Kids will Talk, by Adele Faber and ..... No matter what you decide about letting her visit with her father long term, this book will help you communicate better with her so that you both will feel heard and accepted.

4 moms found this helpful

I like B's idea except for him getting primary custody. It's summer now, why not have your daughter go to him for a week or two. Let her get a taste of THAT dad. She'll realize how good she has it. When she sees fun isn't 24/7 it could wake her up. 13 is a tough time it's all about them and a horse, who can beat that? Plus as a side bar even if there is another custody battle and your daughter has a bigger say, the judge will see that her dad is "buying" her love and that he isn't the more balanced parent. Don't worry, but do let her spend two consequtive(sp) weeks with dad.

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Hello S.,

Sounds like you've got it tough! I'm quite familiar with the custody battle thing, but yours is a bit different. Just wanted to let you know that you're not alone in this. One bad thing about multiple marriages, are all the ex's that go along with them!! One day it'll get better, like mine did. I'm now happily married to a wonderful man that adores my daughter.

I know one day, things will look up for you. Your daughter will eventually see what he's doing. All you can do is love your daughter by words as well as actions.

God bless, ls

2 moms found this helpful

B's idea is perfect! My mom did this with both my brothers bc there dad was putting on the same show and promising them money if they moved in with him (umm never going to happen he wanted child support to drink and get drugs and go party) He couldnt even support himself and after a couple months (I think it was 2 1/2) my youngest wanted to move home, but thats where something went wrong... Do not give him primary custody, thats where my mom messed up and now after 3 years finally is getting things straight. Tell her she can visit the summer and with him not having much money I am sure she will be running back to you. Just remember this is all a front to win and in the end you will.

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Wow sounds like me and my dad when I was that age. He did the same thing and I still remember how hurt my mom was by my behavior.
My mom just kept loving me , was there for me whenever I needed and a time came when I realized what was more important. I am sure it's hard right now and sounds like it's not fair......but do not worry, she will come to her senses one day:)

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Sorry I don't have any advice for you. But I can understand why you are frustrated and sad. I think the only thing that will cure this situation is time. Kids, especially at the age of 13 want fun. It's not until they are older that they can appreciate where the real stability is in their lives. And who is the parent that will pick up the pieces for them when things go wrong and try to make everything ok (not saying her father won't do this but I think that its the same way in households where both parents live) One parent always has to be the "bad guy" that person has to make sure the kids live a healthy lifestyle like not staying awake until 3a.m. and not going to bed in their clothes. While the other parents gets to be the fun parent. Somebody has to be the responsible one.

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I just want to say, you are a great mom, doing your best. I am sorry that due to your ex "buying off" your daughter she may choose to live with him. He sounds like the perfect weekend or disney dad. (Been there, done that)

My only advice is when her dad signs her up for something or cant pay his bills and doesnt follow through, stop saving his butt. He will need to tell her he did NOT budget well for it or whatever he says, it is his business. It isnt your responsibility to "save the day" for your ex. Yes, your daughter will be upset but it will teach her how to budget and not always borrow from others and it will teach her keep her promises and that it hurts others when you dont.

If your daughter does choose him, remember all fun and games can get old. One day she will understood why you do what you do and she will seek out that structure and responsibility you can provide. She may just come right back to you....I have seen this happen over and over again.

Hang in there and good luck with all the kiddos. You are doing a great job. Being a caring mommy is the hardest job...

2 moms found this helpful

So sad, yet it happens in so many families. You ex is just putting up a front at this point in time to win her over. Its' great for the wknds. what is he going to do for her during the wk. while working or being in any sort of relationship.
My experience is from my 13 yr.old at the time. She decided she wanted to go and live with her dad. She had it at home, she was being treated unfair, and on and on it went. Of course she called her dad and he and his wife said sure, this was their way of not paying child support. Never mind asking why she wanted to live with them. She stayed for I guess it was 4mos. she called home and asked me to pick her up. Her father was beside himself and said to me when she left you were a **s and now shes' calling (new wife) a b**ch. I said well what did you expect. She thought the grass grew greener on the other side. Your ex has put up such a front with her, not being honest and these are things that you have to get across to your daughter. Dont' say things in a negative way but just let her know that these wknd. stays with her father is just that, wknds. Throughout the week things just are not going to be the same. Of course your going to get back "you don't like him" things that young teens' say. You have to ask her "what are you going to do when your father isn't home" and when he does come home he will be tired and won't be doing all of those fun things. Ask her these questions one at a time and whatever you do, don't talk against her dad. Let her know just how much you love her and how much she means to you. Also let her know if she decides when the time comes that she wants' to live with her dad "you will stand behind her" but it will break your heart to see her go as well as the rest of her siblings and her step father who has been there for her throughout her growing yrs. She is old enough to know the concept of money so let her know that money does not buy love and happiness. All of you love her uncondtionally, with/without money.
Her siblings love her dearly and would be quite hurt to see her go. If you have to get down to the bare knuckles then tell her exactly the way things are going to go with her father. It isn't going to be a bed of roses'. Thats' at fact. Sounds like your ex is being a real con and that is not fair to your daughter. You can't buy love, and happiness comes with love that is true, not phoney. Hope all works' out for you and your daughter. Keep working on her before the next court date and who knows', maybe the judge won't award your ex custody if she is being left unattended and his hrs. of work are far to much for her to be left alone. A young teen alone causes' the word "trouble".

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I will only say that I am sorry you are going through this. That I lost my daughter for this very reason and just as soon as she was gone, she realized that his house was only the party house when he was trying to get back and me. And that if you are trying to "buy" her effection for fear that you will lose her (its what I did admittedly) then you are feeding her using you two against each other...and yes, that's exactly what she is doing too.

You cannot "win" this battle. Your house will always be the constant. His house will always be the vacation home as long as you play this game. And it sucks.

But I can tell you that when it's all said and done...and either she stays with you or goes, it will be like a weight lifted off your shoulders that you didn't know you were carrying around. (even if you don't believe me now...and I know I didn't when someone told me)

I wish you (and her) all the best...

1 mom found this helpful

I understand what you are going thru. I think all single moms go thru this around this age. In fact my sis is going thru this right now. My niece (13) wants to live with her dad for no reason other than "I just want to know what it would be like". But the truth is her father won't give her a curfew, care about her whereabouts, won't care if she does her homework or fails out of school, won't make her shower, etc. My niece is the one that told me all of the above & she says "I know my mom loves me more than my dad does."

But freedom is so much better than discipline at this age. Being with the carefree, non-disciplinarian is so much better than being with the debt free, responsible, family oriented, parent.

My dghtr did this at 14. She lived with her dad for 3 months & found it wasn't fun at all. Now she is 20 & lives with him during college break. He just lost his home to foreclosure, he is an alcoholic, his wife is a yeller, they don't have any airconditioning & have to sleep in the unfinished dirty spider filled basement where it's cooler, they always get their gas turned off & have to microwave water just to wash up, never food in the fridge, etc. Her dad lives 1 mile from me but she won't come to our air conditioned, bills paid, non alcoholic, fridge filled home. Why? because she has a curfew with me (which she thinks is ridiculous) & I want her to have a job during the summer. She has called to say she is coming to visit & then she wants to shower & brings bags of laundry with her (can't do laundry in a gas dryer if you don't pay the gas bill), so I told her she is not aloud to do that anymore, she can't come by me when it suits her needs & stay with her dad when it suits her needs.

I wish I could give you words of encouragement or tell you to lock her up till she's 23 & hopefully gains more sense, but there isn't anything at this age that will help them realize which parent will teach them the better values & will give them the structure that is so important for their future.

If possible let her stay with her "friend" for the summer and hopefully that will be enough excitement for a long time.

Best wishes

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Hi S., I feel your pain althogh I have not been in this situation other friends of mine have had the same problem. As most of the mothers said "let it go and she will come back to you" that really seems to be just exactly what happens (at least to my friends it did). Keep your strength up and know that we are all with you in whatever you decide-this is the hard times and we will try to give you the most support we can! Remember that if she moves in with him that eventually all those lessons that you had to "pick up to keep" will be his all alone and when they don't get paid-well that is the end of those as well as who will take care of the horse? I hope there are rescue places for the horse or an adoption place-you might keep that just as a back up for the totally upset child-hmmm and you can find a shelter for that animal--might look good at that moment too. Just know we are here and praying for you!

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I really like B's advice, however, have you thought about a mediator?(sp?) Perhaps your lawers could set up something that helps to mediate the differences?
Good Luck to you... :)

Why don't you take him to court over the back child support? If he has a business he should be paying what you are owed. I agree that she probably wouldn't be happy at dads on a full time basis, I don't think he'd be able to get custody if he's not living up to this custody agreement. Also don't pay for things he signed her up for, you don't need to bail him out.
The best advice I have is for you to keep a journal of when she see's her dad, what they do, when he skips his child support, when he signs her up for something that you have to pay for; dates times this will give you a better chance of making sure she grows up with the proper values. Write down what you can remember before the big move.
Really I'm sure if you would ask your daughter where her home is it would be with you, they know what a home looks like and yours is a better model.