Sad About Tween Years

My daughter is 13 and I can completely relate! We co-slept together until she was 6 so I’m SO happy I had that time with her, but I do miss it very much.

We still do a lot together as I try to take her interests and get involved as much as possible. We take a class together every Saturday morning, I bought her a “real” artist wooden case (pastels, real artist colored pencils, paints, etc.) with drawing paper so we can still do art together, I bought some t-shirts at the arts/craft store with fabric markers/iron on lettering so those are some things we do together.

One way I can guaranty that we snuggle is movie night on the couch just the 2 of us cuddling, with me braiding her hair or massaging her back! Baking & cooking is another thing we do more so together now. Oh and our local frozen yogurt shop! It’s a treat we enjoy together!

Anyway just thought I should throw out some ideas for you!

My daughter still holds my hand when we are out and about, she still hugs and kisses me before she leaves to go somewhere, we still have our long talks before bed, BUT I’m sure all that will soon come to an end too =-( All I can do is continue to follow her lead on what she likes to do and what I can get involved in with her.

One way I can deal with it emotionally is just knowing that I have raised an amazing, beautiful girl!

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Sigh, my baby girl is now 13. I no longer put her to bed each night. She no longer comes down the stairs looking for the morning cuddle. She is healthy and strong and active and busy with friends and sports and even has a boyfriend. She is an excellent student. I pick her up and drop her off at school, no busses for us, she is bubbling over with the day's events and we chat, we make fun of teachers together (tehehe) she shares the drama of the day. When not in school, we text throughout the day, even when she's just up in her room. We listen to music together (i try to keep an open mind), we cook together. I keep her close by asking very specific questions, like who did you sit next to at lunch? Rather than how was your day. She is a great pleasure every single day. I realize too how much I miss the little girl days when I see a three year old at the grocery store with similar features, and understand that's what I still SEE when I look at her. I look forward to seeing her grow into the fantastic woman I know she'll be but yes, I just ACHE for those cuddles on the couch, or even rocking her to sleep.....

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LISTEN LISTEN LISTEN to whatever she wants to talk about.

Keep your lines of communication wide open. You'll be glad you did. My daughter is quickly approaching 16 and so far everything has been relatively smooth.

The hardest thing I have ever done to date is getting in my car and letting her drive. I hate it, my nerves are a wreck.....she is doing well with learning, it is just me and I recognize that. I was crying and I told her......"I know you are a safe driver, however, I am watching my baby become a woman and I am so proud of you but sad because I know you'll be off to college before I know it."

COMMUNICATE

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It's tough. No question. My youngest just turned 11 (older daughter is 26) and I can feel the pull and I know what's coming. So, what I do is spontaneously take her out for ice cream at the local restaurant (sometimes in our jammies), or take her out for pizza or just go somewhere that it just her and me. I have learned that "prying" can be accomplished by just listening, keeping the lines of communication open and by asking open ended questions that need more than a yes or no. How about a ceramics class, scrapbooking or taking her out to get her nails painted? Or just ask her what she would like to do, she may have some great ideas of her own.

The best part of this is that she is going to become an interesting, independant person and you will have real conversations with this new person. The worst is when she ditches you at the mall for the first time.

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All I could think of as I read all of these posts was......) : Mine are 4 and 5 and I'm tearing up just thinking about this and the time that has already sped past. Makes me wanna cry. Hang in there mama, we will all be there sooner than we think. You sound like you are doing a great job.

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Your post made me sooo sad!

My son is 4 1/2, and I just adore him to pieces. We snuggle, he wants me to hold him, we do everything together. We are so, so close.

But I know that what you are dealing with is in my future too, and it just hurts to even think about it. I know we have to let them grow up, but like you said, what you do on the outside doesn't necessarily match how we're feeling on the inside. sigh :(

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My daughter is nearly 12, and I understand what you are feeling. Sometimes it is harder for mom to let go than anything. Remember the 1st day of school? She was totally excited and I sat in the car after dropping her off and cried! It goes like that all along, right?

What we've done is to just hang out together. We go on a few expeditions, like shoe shopping at Payless. She gets a kick out of the fact that we wear the same size, and we try on a bunch of shoes before picking one pair each (this was when we needed shoes). Or even just to the grocery store. My daughter got interested in cooking a couple of years ago, so she's also interested in helping buy the food. But it's not so important what you do as that you do something together. Just don't make it a big huge production.

I like to give good-night hugs and tuck kids in when I can; kids are usually okay with these sorts of things when friends aren't around. I tell her often that I love her and that I'm proud of the choices that she's making. I get lots of hugs back, too. I have told her (jokingly) that it's a mom's job to embarass her kids from time to time! She has a good sense of humor and we can tease back an forth. It's all these little things that make me feel comfortable with her growing up and moving into more independence. When she needs someone, she'll come to me because we have (all along) had a pretty good relationship.

Do make sure that you know all her friends that she hangs out with! Friends can be a big influence on each other, and who she hangs out with can really affect her attitude, behavior, and self-image as she grows up. When parents take the time to get to know their kids' friends, it also helps parents feel more comfortable with kids being out, and helps the kids stay connected still. And if you know the friends moms, you can maybe do some mother-daughter things together.

I don't know if I am helping any ... hope what I say at least makes sense!

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I've already dreaded the thought of this happening and my son is only 2.5. It's sad, but there are still things you can do with her. My friend's son is 10, and he likes going biking or rollerblading, fishing, building model airplanes and going to movies with the adults. Otherwise he is off with his friends.
You have to be willing to do the things SHE likes. Maybe take her to the mall to shop for clothes together. Go to a movie. You can still color... design clothes together on paper. Play a game on the computer together like wheel of fortune or family feud. Board games are great, too. Even cards- show her how to play poker or cribbage or something. Go to the arcade with her, she will think you're so cool. If she likes reading, pick out a book together to take turns reading each month. Make some mosaic stepping stones for the garden. Get some jewelry making supplies...it's really easy and fun. Do each others hair and nails. Go to an amusement park. Take a cooking class with her. There are lots of community education classes a 10 year old would enjoy. I used to love badminton when I was younger...what is she interested in? What can you two try together?
I have to say, I hated my parents when I was a teenager. I'm still not very close to my mom, but I was always a daddy's girl even when I was very young. My dad and I get together at least once or twice a week to have a meal, take my son to the park, watch a movie together, run errands, etc. I have never gone more than 2 weeks without visiting him.

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I'm almost in tears reading these responses! My kids are 6, 3, and 14 months, but I know I'll be there soon enough. It is so hard being a Mom! Now I know how my Mom must have felt during my teen years and when I moved half way across the country after college.

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The "American Girl" book series is GREAT for both her and you.
You can check it out on Amazon and read the reviews of it there.
I really recommend it.

Also, if you Google Search "Tween development" LOTS of good articles/tips will come up... and read it. It will help informatively for both her and you as a Mom.

My girl is only 7... but I already got some American Girl books and looked at Tween articles.

Just go by her cues as well.... for activities to do together. Just ask her for ideas. She is simply changing. But always guide her... she is still after all, a kid.
The human brain is not even fully developed until 26 years old.
I tell my girl, stories about myself about when I was her age... my girl LOVES hearing about it. And then she tells me things like "Your'e a cool Mom, Mommy...."

The "Tween" years are from 9-12 years old.

good luck,
Susan

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One of the best things my mom did for me was to take me on a trip for the weekend or longer - just me an her. We had the best time! I'm 46 now and my Mom passed away about a year ago. I miss her terribly but I have all these great memories from the trips we took. When I was 16 we went on a girls-only trip to San Francisco and a seagull crapped right on my forehead and started dripping down my face. We laughed about that until the day she passed away! Or what about the Nordstrom's trip where I talked her into having too many glasses of wine at the cafe and she just gave me her credit card and let me shop. $500 later. . . and this was 1982 so that bought you a bit more stuff than it would now. We laughed and laughed over that one! Anyway, you get the point. If you can afford them, girls trips are the best!

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I got my daughter her own subscription to Teen Vogue and we look at the fashions together. We have family dinner nearly every night at the table. We eat on trays and watch a family movie once a week. On Sunday mornings, she gets in bed with me and we watch tv together - something the boys won't like!

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Love all the answers!! One more suggestion, while in the car, I let her be DJ...I almost like her music ;-) but she has a great time singing and I try to ignore the words LOL!!! But we sing together, neither can hold a not to save our lives, but we have a good time. We are in the car alot so when a not so good song is on we chat then the tunes get turned up again. Gotta start to learn to love teeny bopper hip hop!!

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Do a home manicure and pedicure. Go pick out some nail polish together, get some lotion and clip, file, massage the lotion in, just like a real one, then paint her nails. She'll love it. Let her do your hair. If she plays a sport, have her teach you how. Just like someone else said, always listen. It is sad watching our kids grow up.

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Some of the things i do are paint nails together, sit on the bed and girl talk, watch tv....

It is sad when they stop snuggling. You can still giggle with her and have girly fun :)

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I bet she'd love making jewelry with mom. If you go to Hobby Lobby or some other craft store They sell eveything you'd need to make some cute necklaces and bracelets. My daughter is only 4 but I have a friends daughter wo is your daughters age who LOVES to do this with me and her mom. :o)

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Hi K.,
The truth is that no matter what activities you do together, she is simply not going to be a snuggly little girl anymore. Their young childhood is so brief and fleeting - the days are long but the years are short - my kids are 15 and 11.
At this age, they are really not looking to "bond." It's all about socialization and friends, and it's normal and good for them. Growing away from mom and dad is part of the maturation process. To spend time with her, think about her chores - assign her things that you can do together, like meal prep, kitchen cleanup, gardening. Have a family game night. Think about the activities that DO interest her - my 15 year old and I go to Starbucks about once a week. I don't love it but she does and it's time I can spend with her. You've got to be willing to do what they want. Take her to lunch or dinner once every week or two if you can afford it, just the two of you, or even with a friend of hers. Some of the best time you'll spend with her will be in the car, driving her to and from social and school activities.

It's also important as you make this change and realize that she isn't going to want to spend most of her time with you, that YOU make other plans for yourself as well. Don't think of her as your girlfriend and that you'll keep each other company. If she's got a busy social life, it's time for you to ramp yours up too!

I never really had those feelings of sadness about my kids growing up, but that may just be my cancer experience, for me it's a thrill getting to see my kids grow up and hit all those milestones, since they were pretty young when I was sick and I didn't assume that I was going to see all of these things

I hope that you'll find things to love about this new stage of motherhood. Hugs!

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I hated the tween years. Even if the kids are good they still put so much strain on parents as they learn and grow into young adults. And seriously I didn't care if all the other parents were letting their 13 yr olds stay out until 2am .... mine was not. I was mean like that. Give me a 3 yr old giving grape jelly hugs any day of the week.

My daughters and I use to watch movies together. We also did a lot of hiking as a family so that was always good bonding time.

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Maybe try a date night (or day) once a week where just the two of you go out and do some thing special. A movie,nice dinner, walk in the park, roller/ice skating, crafting, blowing bubbles, or even just cranking the music and dancing in the living room. Really, anything you both decide could be fun. Don't be afraid to let go and find your own inner 10 year old!

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I remember. I'm still not over it! My girl slept with me until she turned 12. She would end up in my bed at some pint every night. She said she couldn't sleep if I didn't tuck her in. She couldn't be out of voice range most of the time. She wanted to park herself and her toys right next to me. She even followed me into the bathroom. Then 1 summer she went to visit her dad for a month. When she came back, she wasn't interested in being next to me anymore. She wouldn't even admit she had ever slept in my bed. It was really hard. I had to grow with her. Rather than her following me around all the time, I had to start planning mother daughter activities and dates. I tried to do more of what she liked, like painting her toes or whatever. Mostly I just bought her a bunch of stuff! I listened intently to everything she said for clues as to what she liked and I tried to support her in those things. I once told her - if you want to be a famer, I'll but you a tractor! Whatever you are interested in, I've got your back! I think a lot of that worked. She's 18 now and we are pretty close. I know she loves me deeply and is very grateful to me. I also had to get more of my own interests. I couldn't focus so much of time and self esteem around her. I wanted her to be proud of me, so, I went back to school. That helped quite a bit. She started to see me as relevant again. But If all else fails - make new babies! They will love and worship you uncinditionally for another 12 years!

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My 12yr old and I go shopping at the "in" tween stores every once in a while, we give ourselves manicures and pedicures, we talk about the books she is reading(she loves reading and we visit the library together), we go to the movies together, play tennis together, watch TV (she loves Reba & Everybody Loves Raymond), we bake and I teach her to cook her favorite meals, we go on walks (with and without the puppy), we play board games (Apples to Apples & Scrabble), and we play cards and the Wii also. We go out to lunch whenever she has half days at school.

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My friend called me this morning-she and her dd are sharing a car today so she dropped her dd off for her first day of college classes and cried-it was my job to take her mind off it :)
I know a lot of moms who will do a mom/daughter weekend with their girls once a year-go somewhere and shop, get hair and nails done, rent chic movies and if you can afford it (and it is only once a year)you could stay at a hotel. You could just focus on what she'd like to do. It helps keep you connected which is what you REALLY want as she gets older and enters the scary teen years. Mine are 5 and 3 and I'm already scared! God Bless!!

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Read the books she reads. Ask her to suggest some to you. Maybe start a moms and daughter book club.

Play board games, Bake together. Ask her to help you with projects, volunteering.

Make your home tween friendly so at least she and her friends play and visit at your home.

I know it is hard, but it sounds like you have done a great job. She is moving in the right direction. There will be times she will need mommy. Take advantage of her and snuggle. Sometimes just say, I need a hug. I need a cuddle.. She will give it to you.

We loved to watch movies together. We would darken the living room move the furniture around to make it like a theater , pop corn, soda, candy.. whatever and watch movies one after another in the dark.. To get ready for the New Harry Potter Movie coming out in the fall, have a Harry Potter "Buttathon" and watch them all in a row.

Just keep the communications open with her, it will help in the long run.