Rude Comments About My Son by Another Dad

If this is what he is doing at five yr olds, it will get much worse! If you live in a small town, you will be stuck hearing this guy in the bleachers for years to come. Ask the league to send home a letter to parents which they must sign promising to better conduct, supportive comments and agreeing they should be asked to leave if they make derogatory comments about children.
and Riley, we all know the man was saying it to be derogatory, he was not saying, Oh that child is probably very bright but has difficulty tuning out unimportant stimuli, he was clearly implying the kid was not behaving appropriately for his age group. ADD can only be diagnosed by a professional, he is not allowed to be throwing out a medical diagnosis unless he is an MD who has researched and tested and interviewed the parent and child. It is the same as saying that 1st baseman needs glasses, he's not insulting all of us with vision problems he's insulting the one player who missed a catch.

I agree with Sherri G.

It's the kind of thing you either say something right there in the moment, or just let it go.

Regardless of what it was, its kinda too late now. I'd focus on getting a clever quip ready for the guy in case you overhear anything like that again.

Is the comment true? I understand why you are upset but I wouldn't say anything especially if the comment had merit.

My son HAS ADHD. abd ALSO excels in school & sports.

I have ADHD, and was both an Olympic hopeful & am wavering between magna & suma cum laude.

So.... THANKS for perpetuating bigotry & ignorance. Because obviously, no one with ADHD can excel.

I'll go let the astrophysicist, backcountry pioneer, surgeon, admiral, spec ops, research scientist, award winning photographer and Every. Other. Rabidly. Successful. ADHD member of my family know... They have to be nothing but unwanted problems & not excel at life.

The DAD was rude?

Why don't we get offended at someone thinking our child looks black, next? Ooooooh. Or squints like they might be a glasses wearing four eyed freak. How DARE they say our child might be something so AWFUL.
_______________

ETA... The only way that comment was rude is if what he said was something negative.

If you substituted ADD for

"That kid looks black."
"That kid looks like he needs glasses."

Neither of which are rude.
UNLESS what that kid looks like is something awful.

So lets try it:

A dad said my son looks black.
My son isn't black.
He excels in school & never has any problems.
How rude!
Any kid standing in the shade might look black.
How dare he say my son looks black
I'm so offended!

Um...?

See my point?

Its your offense that makes it offensive.

If you had said a similar thing, you'd have a gazillion people saying "What's wrong with being black?!?"

Instead, you have people saying.... Yeah. Sooooo rude.

I hear people using the terms ADD/ADHD pretty often these days. They use it generically to describe anyone who is having trouble sitting still or concentrating. I hear all kinds of adults joking about themselves being ADD, when they really aren't, but they are using it to describe how they are feeling. It is just possible the dad was using the term to describe your sons behaviour at that moment, instead of saying "that short stop is sure having trouble standing still". I really wouldn't take it too seriously. If I said anything I might have pointed out that all the kids were having the same problem.

yes, he was rude.
yes, he was out of line.
no, you cannot beat him with a bat. :)

time to move on....

I find it funny that you are telling people who have ADHD, who have kids that have ADHD that it is insulting to call your son ADD. Seriously you don't see that is perhaps, rude?

Don't worry about it, you just didn't know any better.

Still now you do so when you start throwing up your arms telling your friends how rude it is you may want to keep in mind their kids may have ADHD and you don't even know it.
______________________
Yeah I was thinking about going in the same direction as Riley. Would you like to hear everything my family has self taught themselves? Things that you folks have to go to school to learn?

I graduated in four years with a five and half year degree still getting top honors. The dean, not even knowing I did it while raising four kids, one with autism spectrum, while working full time, said impressive, just based on the time frame, as she handed me my diploma.

Yeah it sucks to have ADHD I can see why you find it so insulting.
_____________________________
Looking at your what happened, you just don't get it. What he said is not insulting to someone with ADHD, we know how we are and we are happy about it. What is insulting is you seeing us as somehow inferior to you. Sorry but I would imagine, other than social skills, you come no where near being even equal to one of us. Sorry but saying someone is ADHD is a compliment.

Unfortunately, yeah, you need to forget about it and move on. What I like about this forum is a bunch of people who are completely removed from your situation will give you advice. I think that's valuable. My guess is this guy probably isn't as bad as you seem to think. Maybe your son took one tiny second out of the game to pick a daisy, and this guy noticed it and made his comment. I'll bet he goes home and forgets all about it (and you're left to stew over it).

Of course, everything I say goes out the window if the guy continues to say things like this over and over and over. And then he starts talking about other kids as well. That's not cool. But if it appears to be a one time thing, I'd recommend moving on.

Sucks, I know. I'd be upset too.

Your son is 5? 6?
Deficit of attention is pretty much the hallmark of baseball at that age, don't you think? Lol
Ignore it.
Encourage your son to pay attention and keep his head in the game.

I would just let it go.. Since your child didn't hear it and knows nothing about it... then realistically no harm done..

There's no crying in baseball!!

Yep, your first kid in sports. It's a long road, believe me. My daughter played softball for ten years and pitched for a good portion of that. The parents either love you or visibly hate you in this high profile position. It didn't matter if we were right there.

Let it go, really. Would it make your son any less worthy if he did have ADD? It sounds like you think that.

Perfectly natural for your protective instincts to kick in. He's your little boy, and your job is to be encouraging and supportive. It's so hard knowing we'll be dealing with this for years, right? I agree with just letting it go. If it were said so that your son could hear, I'd defend him. But a comment from another parent is just that. It sounds like it was rude, but try to not take it personally. (Testosterone, meh. Fathers can be so competitive when it comes to sports. If only they could all just let the kids have fun.) Take a deep breath, clear it from your memory, and keep your ears open in case it happens again.

ps, no offense to you supportive dads out there. Kids need you too! :)

hmm, well, technically he shouldn't have said that, but does your son have ADD issues? Was your son doing something that prompted the comment?

My son is a doll and a genius and an incredible airhead at times. I know he doesn't have add issues but when he is chasing a butterfly around the outfield like a crazy person and someone makes a comment about it I would shrug it off.

If you are really struggling because DS does have issues than i understand why you would be more sensitive and would maybe feel the need to be confronational and say something. but i bet all that would do would make the guy be more careful about your family overhearing him in the future.
for me, if i parent came up to me and said, i know my little poopsie isn't the best ball player but we really feel it's important for him to learn xyz about team sports and listening to the coach etc because he has some processing disorders and we are doing all we can to help him, THEN you bet I'll not make a comment like that again and i'll do all i can to be supportive, But when people Hide stuff especially things like ADD that aren't obvious people sometimes make the wrong assumptions.

went off on a tangent there sorry, personallly i would laugh it off, unless there are issues then i might address the man, Calmly mama bear.

I wouldn't say a word to him unless and until you hear him say something yourself. And then, only say something about what you actually just heard.

"You know, Josh, that's actually MY son out there. That was a hurtful comment. Maybe next time when you make criticisms about small children you'll think about who might be listening."

I commend your husband for not losing his temper and going off on the guy, although I would have said something to let him know I had heard him and that it was MY child he was talking about.

What did your husband do? If it were me, I would say " Excuse me, that short stop that you are trash talking is my son. Unless you have some good, concrete facts about his medical health and well-being, keep your mouth shut. Our job as parents are to support the kids---not judge. Take your judgemental self elsewhere!

Or if he was super rude, I may have put it less nice.

But since this is over and you weren't there to hear it, let it go. If you or your hubby hears something first hand, by all means----speak up! Sorry this happened.

he was thoughtless to say something without being sure he wasn't overheard. i absolutely understand how angry this must make you and your dh, especially if it's not true.
but he really wasn't rude. he didn't comment on your son's character, or try to demonize him, or say anything directly to your child. he was making a (incorrect, presumably) observation to someone HE knew.
you'll probably never like the guy from this point on. it's hard to take THAT high of a road. but do not, do NOT confront him or turn this into a big deal.
because it's not.
it was an offhand comment, not meant for you to hear. no different from someone saying they like (or dislike) the color of someone's hair. it's his opinion, and he's entitled to it unless and until he gets confrontational about it.
don't be that mom.
khairete
S.

Move on.

Does he have ADD? Is it possible this was a factual statement, rather then a belittling one? (Not that he should be talking about your son.) Either way, it's really not worth it. I would only say something if my son was in hearing distance. I agree about encouraging, but unless he is saying these things to children...let him make a jerk out of himself.

Well is it true? Does your child have ADD?
If not you could pull him aside and tell him he was mistaken.

My husband has had ADHD his whole life..He has had issues.. It is not a secret.. Nothing to be ashamed of.. It is just part of him.

Here is what I have learned. When our children are active in the community.. We all know about each other.
We are all parents and no one child is perfect.

We knew the kids that still wet their pants. The kids that were dyslexic. The kids that has Aspergers. The kids that could have melt downs..

The adults that smoked pot. Had affairs..Gone bankrupt.. Were on their 3rd marriages with the youngest wife yet.

But we were all going to be spending a lot of years to come together, so we just really tried to stay as civil as possible.

And it never failed.. The parents that I absolutely could not stand,. Ended up their child would be in the same classrooms year after year with our daughter...

My sister wins the prize.. She is a real piece of work,, people clear a path when she walks through. Her son, my nephew is very athletic and involved in school. He also has dated some of the sweetest girls all through the school years. And I know for a fact the moms of these girls have been horrified at the thought of having to deal with my sister.. Bless their hearts.

We just grin and bare it, but I agree with you that gossiping and discussing each others children.. Is not good form. But sometimes it does just pop out.. Not in a bad way, but just as fact,

I am sorry you felt protective of your son.. and felt this was some sort of insult.. I love my husband just the way he is.. If someone were to mention he had ADHD, it would not bother me one bit. It is just a part of him..

The more your kids participate in sports the more you're going to find out that many of the spectators sound like complete idiots.
There's something about watching a sport from the sidelines that just brings out the worst in some people.
They get competitive, they shout instructions, they are rude and say horrible things about the other team, the other players, sometimes even their own kids.
I've seen teams ban parents for the parents unsportsmanlike behavior on the sidelines.

You are going to have to learn to deal with this.
It's not going to be the last time you come across Rabid Spectator Syndrome (if it doesn't have an official name already it should have one).
Remember why you are there - to watch the game.
You are not there to fight with anyone.
If you feel inclined you might tell the person who says things that he's talking about your son and ask him what he means by his comment.
Or you might say 'Lighten up. They are 5 yr olds having some fun.'.
Either he'll feel ashamed of himself and stop OR , if his adrenaline is high enough and his ability to reason is too far gone he'll turn on you and try to pick a fight with you.

I feel for you. Sometimes people on this site misinterpret things. That dad said something rude. If a child does have ADD and he said that it would be rude (your child does not and it is rude). He was out of line.

I would let it go for the sake of the kids.

My son just signed up for baseball and we are in a new town (i thought it would be fun for him and a way to meet more kids/families, plus he asked to play with his friend). i asked for advice to help him play (catch and hit the ball) on this site. i had my head chewed off by the first two posts for signing up a 6 year old.

Baseball has A LOT of down time and young boys have energy.

It sounds like the dad has no filter between his brain and his mouth. OR he doesn't want to have a filter between his brain and his mouth. Some people pretend not to have one in order to get away with saying anything they want. He sounds like one of these.

People like him aren't worth your time of day, though I completely understand why you'd be bothered over this.

Dawn

My take on it: BigMouth is a jerk, period. Why someone would say something critical about someone else's kid is beyond me. Whether or not there is prior knowledge of a diagnosis is entirely beside the point; we don't label or deride children, PERIOD. The kids are there to learn how to play as a team and sportsmanship...too bad someone didn't get the memo.

Sounds like the person getting an earful was embarrassed that this guy was so rude. I'm sure the only person who came out looking bad in this situation was this loudmouth. Take it with the proverbial grain of salt: do you care about *any* opinion coming from someone who obviously doesn't even seem to have the good sense God gave a grasshopper?

I would, however, call him out the next time he makes a labeling comment like that? "Oh, are you a behavioral specialist? I had noooo idea.... Could you then tell me what *your problem* is? I've been trying to figure that one out for a while..." Okay, that was a bit of humor there, but really-- don't let this nitwit (most polite term we'll use for this ill-tempered fellow) get you down.

*I'm letting the whole ADD-label thing just go... to me, it wasn't about the words or the label, it's the dad's need to make critical comments about other people's kids which is the problem. I can't imagine he was being kind and saying "looks like that child is easily distracted, I wonder how we could help him focus". I've known so many kids, they all have their strengths and areas in which they could improve. There is a difference between "That kid has issues" (negative) and "it looks like our team has some kids who need help keeping their eyes on the ball" (constructive appraisal).

If I heard something like that about my kiddo, I'd be tempted to stab a fork into the guy's forehead. But I'd be too chicken sh*t to confront the guy, so I'd just seethe inwardly about it and tell everyone I knew what an a-hole the guy was ... until I eventually forgot or lost interest and moved on. So that's the path I recommend for you. Tell everyone you know what an a-hole he is ... and then move on. Of course, should the opportunity arise to stab a fork into his forehead .... :-)

I can understand your pain and anger. I would feel the same.

I think your offense is that the coach was deliberately picking out your child for bad behavior when it seemed like the other kids were doing similar things. At karate, during the tournaments, the kids are expected to sit quietly or stand for very long periods of time and not walk off, fool around, touch eachother, ect. Perhaps your son is not aware of the expectations but he certainly caught the coaches attention. He (the coach) should not be throwing words around, but I think you need to use this as an oppotunity to talk to your son about respectful and appropriate behavior. Since he does not actually have ADHD, it's a matter of self discipline, which at this age, he should be perfectly capable of.

I gotta say, I'm totally with Riley on this one. I know what you say in your post and your SWH, but the tone with which you wrote your original post screams "MY SON DOESN'T HAVE ADHD! How DARE anyone think he does?!" like it's just a super awful thing to have ADHD. You may say you do not have anything against people with attention issues, but your post indicates otherwise.

I feel a bit offended that you're so offended.

You know....some people are just rude. I think you should let it go and not be so defensive about it.

You are just being introduced to the world of jerk-dom when it comes to certain "sports parents".

When my son was playing baseball, there was a kid on a different team that was so little in size, that with his batting helmet on he looked like the guy from "Space Balls". Seriously. He was cuter than anything, but you couldn't help get a kick out of that huge helmet on his tiny head. We all giggled, but weren't making fun of him. He was actually a pretty good little ball player, but it was comical seeing him try to bat with that helmet that was about 5 sizes too big for him. He took everything in stride.

How do you think I feel? My ex husband volunteered to coach one year and he was terrible. I got ribbed about it by all the other parents. I didn't take offense because what could I say? He sucked. I felt sorry for my son because my son knew it too, but he loved his dad and stuck it out.

Some parents get way too competive and they put too much pressure on their kids. Unfortunately, that's just kind of part of it.

The dad didn't say anything rude to your son or even directly to you.

I would just write him off as an idiot, but that's me.

Just my opinion.

I would totally forget about it and move on. Figure your son will have lots of games over the years and so will this dad's son and the dad will see how it all works out. Likely he was kidding a bit vs trying to be mean. Or he was generally frustrated " none of these kids are paying attention! Look at that one!". Time will tell...

There was a mom who used to do things like that and even yelled and swore at her own children years back, so they threw her out-couldn't go to her children's games and fate being what it was her husband never returned home.People don't get away with it.

Sounds like a jerk. Some of the kids in my kid's Tae Kwon Do class have straight up TERRIBLE behavior practically every day. But since all of us parents are together every day in the waiting room, we're all friendly and don't say anything or give dirty looks etc.

Obviously this guy is in the "I dont have to be sensitive or reserved" camp, so I'd let it go but make comments to him too whenever possible if you think you could get the drop on him now and then.

This reminds me of some advice my mom gave me when I was younger...she said "Consider the source." You said the guy who made the comment was you would want to be friends with and I'm sure his rudeness is one of the reasons.