Romance

It's always a good idea to give what you want instead of complain about it. Just start doing romantic things without mentioning it. He will soon follow and give lots of appreciation when he does. Also talk him up to friends or fam when he is listening... men are like children positive reinforcment and lead by example... Good Luck

I have alot to say on this subject.lol....
Ok your the one that is craving romance so you (yourself) need to come up with ideas. All of us have different needs. It sound like his needs are completly met.you do everything for him, so obviously he is not going to step out of his happy world because he sounds pretty content. So you need to start the romance. I think we all handicap our husbands and we are the one to blame. We act as if we take on everything it some how makes us wife of the year and the only one who wins is him he he.
Come up with a romantic setting and plan something,be the example and be consistant with romance and maybe he will catch on.
It doesn't need to be roses and candles,which we seem to picture when we think of romance. But it can start with simply reading a 5 minute husband and wife devotional each night before bed. You slip a note in his wallet telling him how much you love and appreciate him. Getting a babysitter and you cooking his favorite meal. Make a list and a goal and do it. Remember women are like spagetti all our feelings are like noodles all mixed together,men are steaks
h*** o* the ouside and tough on the inside ( i love that one)
open yourself to him and telling not what he's doing wrong but what you would like to become of your romance. If you tell a man you want fourplay i don't think he will turn it down. You have to be honest and open because men cannot read us,we expect them to but they just can't. Comunication!!!!!!!! Good luck

sorry i am a very blunt christian woman,but its all love :)

"For Women Only" by Shaunti Feldhahn is a great book to catch a good glimpse at what men really want. Men really don't know how to explain themselves. It's a short read in case you have little time. There's also one for him: "For Men Only". If he doesn't want to read it, it would help to read it yourself.

http://www.amazon.com/Women-Only-about-Inner-Lives/dp/159...
http://www.amazon.com/Men-Only-Straightforward-Guide-Inne...

Hello D.,

Plan a weekend getaway for the both of you and make it a surprise. Our husbands may not always make the first move, so we have to. I think you need to go back to when you were first met and think about the ways you guys were back then to rekindle that fire.

One minister used to say in his sermons, 'if the barn needs painting, then paint it!' I'm not saying your not keeping yourself up, but a lot of it has to do with men being visual. If our husbands see something 'hot' @ work and we're not keeping up with ourselves, then it's our fault. There are a lot of women my husband is around @ the workplace and I have to remember that he's around them constantly, so I'm in competition. I need to exercise, apply my makeup, dress sexy for him...anything that is going to be appealing to my husband. Ask your husband what he would like to see you in & wear it. I know it sounds harsh, but I think if our husbands didn't shave and sat around like a slob all day, then we'd be turned off too.

I hope this helps you, D....

Hi-this sounds like text book resentment & anger from both of you guys. Most of the advice I've read is for you to do something but it sounds to me like you are doing a lot. Sure it may just be the day-to-day stuff. I'd say, yep, try to change things up yourself but also let him know you aren't happy w/the the situation & that you want it to change & how. There are 2 of you in this marriage & he should be putting out some effort as well, not just you.

Hi D., I too have the same problem, We rarely have sex becuase usually there's not much for me, just a wam bam thank you mam. I tried to let him know about foreplay but that only lasts a few minutes. I feel your pain, Best of luck.. S.

D.,

I have meen with my husband for 17 years and been married for 11 years next month. I was constintly getting upset with my husband because he never helps and he is by all means, not romantice. I was not happily married. He thought everything was perfect. What I realized was that it was me. I was not happy, so I changed things. I still do all the things I used to do for my husband and 2 kids but I had to make sure there was something for ME! Then I was not so frustrated all the time. Find that something for you. You will be soooooooooo much happier and everything else will work itself out. I also learned that men will not change. If you want a change, as unfair as it seems, it will need to be you that changes things.

I went through the same thing at the end of my marriage. Playing the blame game will do nothing to help either one of you... You need to go for what you want... I have some things that might help, but I don't want to type them on this public posting...

You be romantic - although you are a good wife - nothing you listed as doing is romantic - he has come to expect all of those things...

1. Have a candelight dinner ready when he comes home from work (it's okay if the kids are there they love that too!) - - -
2. Make a bubble bath with a little bit of baby oil or bath salts in it (smells really good) - turn off the lights and light a few candles - then ask your hubby if he would mind scrubbing your back for you - tell him there is a spot you cannot reach - chances are he will climb in with you after a few scrubs

3. when you wake up tomorrow morning give him the biggest longest kiss you have given him in a very long time - then an extra long hug good-bye when you part....

I too have been married with my husband for 12 years. I blame him, he blames me. My only advice is marriage counseling and I think we both need to learn about the differences between men and women. Men and women are different in thier way of thinking and showing affection. We have different definitions of romance too. A good marriage counselor will help get you both talking and give you little assignments to help make sure both of your needs are met. Good luck, let me know how it goes.

D. ~ First of all, I want to congratulate you on being with your husband for 12 years and 7 years of marriage. It is a wonderful accomplishment. Good for both of you!! As to your request for comments, I believe romance comes in different forms and is shown differently by everyone. I too, like many of the women who have responded, believe that you should take the first step and your husband will follow. Cooking and cleaning is really not the same as romance, although we do it out of love. Think of the things your husband does for you that are not "romance" but are done out of love. I'm sure your will come up with several. I don't know that the things I'm about to say would qualify as advice, but they are comments and they do work in my marriage. My husband and I have been together for 8 years and married for 5. I believe we have a good relationship and a loving one. We take a bath together at least once a week. This is nice because when we are in the tub, there is no television or anything else to distract us. We will sit in the tub and talk sometimes about nothing and sometimes about serious stuff, it just depends on our week. I add bubbles and he lights candles and we sit there for anywhere from 1/2 and hour or longer. I rub his feet and his legs, he rubs mine all while we are visiting. It's nice and for me that qualifies as romance. He is also very affectionate with me walking around the house. I'll pass by him and he will reach out and grab my hand or I will randomly give him a kiss or I'll be doing dishes and he will come up behind me and grab my boobs or kiss my neck. Little things, but very meaningful. We only have one day off together each week, Sunday, and we always spend it together. We'll go to the Farmer's Market, or a movie, or a walk at the beach, or to garden shops, whatever but we are always together on Sunday. That's our day. He has Wednesday off during the week and he does his own thing that day, I do my thing with my friends and/or my two girls on Saturday and Sunday is always our day. Neither of us plans anything with anyone on Sunday, try something like that. Spending time together helps fuel romance and really does keep the marriage alive. Sometimes people get caught up in their day to day lives, they forget a marriage is work too. It sounds to me like this is what is happending with you and your husband. I think you not only love your husband but you like him too and you are looking for ways to keep the relationship going. I commend you for this.

As for the sex, we received a book as a wedding gift from a very good friend, called "52 Invitations to Grrreat Sex" by Laura Corn. Look into this book. It has "for his eyes only" and "for her eyes only" invitations. You would go to the first invitiation and mail it to your husband. It is an actual "invitation" telling him the night/day, time and what he needs to bring/wear. Then it gives you a list of things you will need for the night and what you need to do. Here is an "example". My husband is receiving an invitation this week called "Kinky Kisses." It tells him to meet me in the living room at 8:30 p.m. and he must "wear your sunglasses". and R.S.V.P. with a "Kinky Kiss of your own, planted anywhere that I do NOT have a tan." I need one blindfold and one silk scarf. I blindfold him and tie his hand behind his back and take him to the car, putting him in the back seat. I drive him around for a while after telling him "You just sit there and be a good boy. We're going for a little ride . . ." I drive him around until he is not sure where we are, find a quiet street, an isolated parking lot, something safe and private. once I have secured the spot, I tell him "Stay right here. I'll be back. Then, after two minutes, I go out, do not speak, get in the back seat and give a blowjob, he can't touch me because his hands are tied, he can't see me because he is blindfolded. It's a little kinky and very sexy and believe me, next week, I'll be getting my own invitiation in the mail.

So, give it a try. Keep your marriage alive, keep loving your husband and give him the chance to love you back. Marriage is wonderful, but it takes both people working 100%. Give a little, get a lot, that's what I think. It's easy to get lost in the every day things, live outside the box. Best of luck to you and your husband.

Dearest D., I'm jealous you get 5 to 10 minutes rolling in the sack!!! My husband is very hard working and usually very tired. He goes out of his way to do extra chores to help, buys me flowers, and special little gifts, but not much romance in the bedroom. I sent him to the jeweler to get me a new watch because I fogged mine giving the baby a bath and he came home with a beautiful shiny watch with 113 diamonds surrounding the crystal and each of the three chronographs and on each hour ~ yet no nukies. I can't or shouldn't complain although sometimes I do. He is resting right now getting ready for a 14 hour day tomorrow. If I go in the room and scratch and rub his back he will moan and groan like he just had the best sex of his life and that seems to satisfy him. It seems it is more important to my husband to provide for his family than to romance. Let's face it, the honeymoon is over and anything we get at this point is BONUS!!!

To top it off, I think a toy would insult him.

It can definitely be tough to keep the spark alive. If what he wants for romance is a beer and some sex, then the most romantic thing that you can do for him is just that. But make sure he does something romantic for you, too. And here's the important thing...you have to tell him what that is. I'm sure that even after 7 years of marriage, your husband can't read your mind (And never will!). Something isn't any less special because you had to ask for it. As long as you ask nicely, he will probably appreciate the clues.

I think it's easy for us women to plan the things that we think of as romantic (that the guys may or may not enjoy) and neglect what they really want, and of course men do the same. Then we're both bent out of shape because we feel like we're doing all of the work and not having our needs met. Instead, just ask what he wants, tell him what you want and you can both get something that you want and need from the other person. Good luck!

Dear D.,

I had a similar experience with my first husband and with my second one too. Men, they are just an enigma to me. But, don't let that stop you from trying to make a better relationship.

Men are very sensitive and you need to find what is holding him back. Read some books about the relationship between men and women. He sounds like someone that is worth 'fighting for' - so do some research. It will be very interesting

For one thing you can spend time with him, yes, I know you do, but spend time walking and going to movies - walk ins and to the live theater. Yes, you can do it. Pick ones that aren't too expensive. Tell him that he is handsome and he looks good in whatever he has on. Talk with him about things that you know that he loves to do and respects - don't try to force him. Really show an honest interest in him, and do special things for him. Like, I make my husband a special cake that takes a long time to make. I tell him that if someone makes you this cake, then that person loves you. - or a special roast or something that he likes to eat. My husband likes cabbage rolls - yikes, it makes my legs hurt to think about making them. But I do sometimes.

Ask his advice and then follow it, even though you wish that he had advised something else. Men just loooove that. - if you take their advice without arguing.

Go to Oprah's website, I bet she has a few books to suggest about learning about men.

Also, remember yourself. Yes, you are romantic too. Just show it, don't talk about it. O.K.?

This may all be old news, but it is all that I know. I tried to show love and respect to my first husband, then had to declare that I was a failure and we got a divorce. My second husband is a special love, but he is so difficult and hard headed. I just try to not start something unless I have to have my say for health or safety or just plain sanity. Now he is 81 years old and has the beginning of Alzheimers, and he is more loveable than ever. So there you go. What a world.
C. N.

Hi D.!
One thing that has really been great in my marriage (going on 10 years) is the open lines of communication. Have they always been open? No but now that we have made an effort things are fabulous!
We make time to have a date night once a week. This allows us to actually interact as a loving adult couple without the children running around. We can talk about what we want from eachother,for eachother, and from ourselves.It can be anything like walking at a park, going to dinner, walking at the mall and eating at the food court, getting ice cream etc... Then we try to have one "romantic" night a month. We switch off who plans it every month and we have a full on candles, music, wine and dine romantic night. It is hard to have it all the time .. I mean who has the time anyway?? lol but as a couple we owe to ourselves and eachother to keep this part of the relationship alive.

Good Luck!!!!

Hi D.,

This letter tells me that you don't want to be with this man -- did you want to 12 yrs ago? It just sounds to me like you don't even like him. Re-read your post and I'll bet you'll see it too.

Do what's right - stand up to him to and ask him if he cares for you at all. Just saying "I'm not the romantic kind" is not an excuse for neglecting, you or your needs. If he won't participate in a grown up conversation about this I'm sure you'll know what to do. Follow your brain with this one!

Good Luck
V.

Instead of you wanting him to do the romantic stuff, you do it and maybe he will catch on. Do things you never have done before. Cooking, cleaning, packing bags, etc...well thats just life. You take the initative and spark up the flame a little. I did this and havent been happier in years. It started all with sending him an email at work to start his day off right and letting him know just how much I care and love him. I would write about the weekend we just spent together and the beautiful child we produce and how proud I am of him for sticking with it when he gets really stressed. I let him know how much I appreciate being able to stay at home to raise my baby. Before my husband was just there, never really saying things except can you get me something to drink, whats for dinner, etc? I would always be in tears, b/c I need his time and attention too. I changed my way of thinking and acting and was able to express myself more through letters and poetry. Try putting little notes in his lunch or bag or even in his car. I still tape little notes to the mirror, so when he wakes up in the morning he will read it and it just really makes his day right. He then once he gets to work we tell me how much he really liked that and that he loves me so much and cant wait to come home... I hope this helps!

Women usually "settle" for this type because of a lack of self esteem. You need to dig deep and figure out why your staying in this type of relationship. He has been this way long enough with you and please don't think you are going to "change" him. Find out what it is that you getting out of this. Do a pro/con list with things like: emotional support, physical satisfaction, financial support, friendship etc. If the cons are bigger than the pros, which I suspect they will be, then you need to believe that you deserve better and get out of the relationship. Life is way to short!! You might be better off without someone around who beats on your self esteem. Good luck, L.

Are we married to the same man?! LOL J/K

Seriously though, my husband says all this sweet romantic stuff once in a blue moon (in my mother's day card this year), and then NOTHING comes of it.

If you do something romantic for him does he respond? Maybe if you did some little out of the blue gestures he might get it and catch on to doing some himself. Show him you can/want to be romatic with him. I know drphil.com has some tips for upping romance in your relationship.

Rough situation, D..

Sounds like the lines of communication between you have shut down. You really can't change him into what you want him to be, but you can be the change you want to see in him. If you want him to be spontaneous, you be spontaneous. Create situations that are what you want, whether it's going to a movie or out to dinner or camping somewhere on the fly. Tell him to keep his schedule open on a particular day and pack a picnic and get yourself to Balboa Park. It might be awkward at first, and you might not know what to say to one another, but just create the quiet time you need to connect as a couple and don't pressure him for sex just because you're spending quality time. In fact, don't pressure him for anything, not even conversation, just go on the picnic FOR YOURSELF to sit in the sun and watch the birds...what happens from there should be organic and spontaneous. Who knows, after a couple of picnics you might tell him that you think outdoor nookie is hot and you two will be making out like teenagers.

I guess what I'm saying is: Take yourselves out of your normal routine. Buy him flowers if that's what you want from him, ask him about his day, make him a special dinner, whatever the things are that you wish he would do. Show an interest in him, give him positive encouragement about his appearance, tell him his butt looks hot in those jeans. Call him at work to tell him that you're hot for him...whatever. Make him feel like the stud you wish he'd be.

Then, once you feel like the lines of communication are opening up again, you can have a real heart to heart about the changes you'd like to see around the house. About the fact that you want a real partner in life, not just a husband.

No guarantees on this stuff working, but we all feel sexier when we have someone telling us how amazing we are. When we feel like our partner is interested in us as a person AND a lover. Men don't seem to understand that when we clean and cook, it's a form of love. When we plan, we want acknowledgement...we have to start acknowledging our partners for their contributions - kindness and compassion breeds kindness and compassion.

Good luck!!!

D.,
Maybe he is waiting for you to take the lead because he just doesn't know HOW to be romantic. This is a good opportunity for you to teach him about what makes YOU happy. Plan a romantic night. I know there isn't always the money for weekends away or romantic dinners out. You can just start simply. Once the kids are in bed, you can plan a nice bath for two, or even just rent a romantic movie. Men are not born romantic; they need help. If you show him what you like, he may surprise you. But, don't be disappointed if he doesn't. You know men. My husband's major problem is pillow talk. He says things that are so ridiculous that I end up laughing. I bought him a few books, but he hasn't changed. We just kind of laugh about it now. And sometimes, I just tell him, "If you want any, just stop talking!" It's actually pretty funny.

Good luck! And really, be happy you are at least getting some sex. My sister hasn't had it since she got pregnant - SEVEN YEARS AGO!!!!

Have you read the book, "The Five Love Languages?" It is pretty short and easy to read - It addresses the fact that different people have different ideas of the way to show love and romance. For instance my husband used to think that he was showing me he loves me by cleaning the house and doing the dishes when really I would rather him leave a cute note on my car or cuddle with me. We both read this book a couple years ago and it really helped us understand that how one of us wants to be loved may not be the way the other person wants to be loved, if that makes sense.