Role of Extended Family

Hi M.,

I don't know that you are being selfish really, I don't think so. At the risk of sounding snarky, though, I wish I had your problems. I finally found the love of my life and we've just had a gorgeous daughter but we are very much alone when it comes to being able to share that joy and holidays really seem to drive that feeling home for us. He lost his mom and I lost my father around the same time, our remaining parents seemed to deal with the grief in similar ways by moving far away and finding new companions. I am an only child, he has a sister he speaks to on the phone and we see once or twice a year, he has a brother neither of us enjoy being around much because of his drinking problems. The closest I come to my mother is an LD phone call which I am extremely grateful for and I often find myself overcome with worry that I will lose her too.

If you have extended family and they are worth knowing, you might consider that, god forbid of course, one of them might not be here for next Halloween. I only say this because these are the regrets I have for the little extended family I had that is just not around anymore. I don't even mean just that they could *not make it*...sometimes other thinks can contribute to family not being available to you anymore.

Now if there are other issues, I fully understand that you need to protect you child's best interests. But even as a first time parent I have to admit that I was a bit hasty in some of my decisions to not include extended family bacause I wanted to create a new "atmosphere".. In the end, family and friends is all that we have. As my older children grew up I found I leaned more and more heavily on the wisdom and tradition that beautifully shaped our family's growth and development until suddenly I didn't have that anymore. I wish I had time to recount every time I realized the influence or impact my In-laws or my mother had on my daughter...and me as a parent because they made me one hundred percent better, even if I didn't realize it at the time.

I seriously DON"T think you are being too selfish, I do however think you might not be aware of how lucky you and you core family are to be in the midst of such a rich heritage. Maybe you could decide on some new traditions and invite the others to come to share it. This way you could still feel though you are settign a new atmosphere while incorporating the elders.

Best of luck sister,

T.

2 moms found this helpful

If you are trying to nurture this family atmosphere, why would you want to exclude your child's grandparents? When your son has kids, do you want to be excluded? I think holidays are a time to celebrate with all of your loved ones, if you are blessed enough to have family near you. It's not like they are trying to stop your plans for pumpkin picking...it sounds like they just want to participate. Sure, there are times that you want to celebrate as a small family unit, but I know my parents/in-laws wanted to be a part of the Firsts in their 1st grandchilds life. They want to celebrate with you, so embrace it! Holidays are not a time to exlude family or pick fights with your hubby. Enjoy for what it's worth. If need be, explain to your huz when you've had enough and want to schedule a mini family outing or set time limits on granparent visits. There are compromises to their inclusion that you can make, too! Relax and have fun!

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Hi there,
It is important to have traditions as a family. However, grandparents can be a part of traditions like going to the pumpkin patch. They are part of the family too. The way my husband and I look at it is that they will not be here for a long time and every moment spent with them is precious. You are lucky to have that option and oppportunity to have grandparents around. My little ones only have grandparents on my side because my husband's parents passed before the kiddies came. I know he misses them and wishes they had seen the kids. We try to spend as much time as we can with our families. I hope this helps. I am writing with no judgment . Just letting you know what we do. Take care.

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Hi M.
I know you've already gotten alot of responses but I just wanted to re-iterate what many have said here - You are NOT being selfish at all! I love my in laws dearly but we've had the same issue in our family that you are having. It's been nearly 8 years since our first child was born; our 2 kids are in school now and it's alot better BECAUSE my husband finally realized that he needed to be clear with his mom about what was OK and what was not OK in terms of inviting herself to every little thing, some of which we really wanted to do as a family (just the 4 of us - my hubby and our 2 kids). There is NOTHING wrong with that; in fact, it's very healthy. Some parents just have a hard time letting go of their grown children and grandchildren. As long as she is active in your lives and is able to spend lots of quality time doing special things with you all, you shouldn't feel guilty for wanting to have some events such as pumpkin patch visits that do not include her. Good luck and remember to be consistent and firm on this. If you don't I can assure you that you and your husband (and posibly, other family members) will fight about it for years to come. good luck and Happy Halloween!

1 mom found this helpful

I wish i had your problem......my mother in law doesnt celebrate any holidays or birthdays due to her religion.....my father in law isnt in this religion but he is so uncomfortable about celebrating that its a waste to invite him because he doesnt interact.......my paretns are deceased and have never met my little ones........i wish i had all this extra family to celebrate firsts with.........let us know the outcome!!!!

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M.,
I was hesitant to respond but felt my experience might give you a different perspective. I grew up with my grandparents greatly involved in my life and feel as though it helpd form the person I am today. Try not to view the situation as them imposing on "your" traditions rather how their interaction with your son with help him develop his character and his appreciation for family. One day he will have a family of his own and will treat his parents (you and your husband) based on your behavior. He will probably want to form 'Traditions" of his own and wouldn't you feel honored to have him include you in his family?
I tell you this because I think my mom and I share a beautiful relationship and part of our interaction stems from the relationship I viewed as a child between my grandmother and my mother. I can only pray that based on my behavior my daughter will view our relationship the same way.
Grandparents are fabulous!!!

1 mom found this helpful

Miss M.~
Let me begin by saying no you are not selfish. It is understandable that you want to start traditions with your imidate family. With that said you don't want to offend your extended family or your husban for that matter. Here is my solution: Make two trips to the pumpkin patch, or other location you were planning. Make the second trip for the extended family, maybe even bake some pies, or toast the seeds with the extra pumpkins = ) here is a list of local pumpkin patches;
http://www.faulknerfarmpumpkinpatch.com/
http://www.pumpkinpatchesandmore.org/CApla.php
http://www.petespumpkinpatch.com/
Hope eveything turns out great!

1 mom found this helpful

I can only tell you my experience. My husband and I live across the country from both sides of the family. And it gets old doing things with just us. We love our children and enjoy doing things with them but we find that when a grandparent has the opportunity to be involved it is so much more fulfilling. On the other hand my husband and I are very much adamant about spending the holidays the way we want. Like Christmas for example, we are very simplistic when it comes to this holiday while the rest of our family is very....well not! So we choose do not be around them on Christmas Day. You have to do what's best for your family but I honestly see no harm in sharing this trip with his parents. Hope this helps. Good Luck.

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I think that what you are feeling is completely normal. We have a very healthy relationship with are extended family but one set of family would be over all the time if we allowed it. so, you and your husband have to agree that your immediate family needs their own time. We are pulled in a lot of directions during the holidays and birthdays too. we enjoy it but it is stressful. This week I asked my husband if he agrees that Halloween should be the one holiday we don't try and include other family. We always make one set unhappy, so, lets keep this one between us. WE LOVE Halloween so why add the stress of trying to have family over or drive back and forth. Start your own family traditions, good luck.

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This may be awful of me, but consider having them along, then making them take all the pictures and video of just you, your husband and the baby. In a way, it would be like your own family tradition (at least in the photo albums!), plus the grandparents get stuck listening to your directions for pictures & video shots. If they start to complain, then you VERY SWEETLY tell them how important it is for you to get all of these memories on film and that you promise just a little bit longer and you won't ask them to do it again next year (which of course could mean you won't invite them next year at all...). If they want to get in on the action and want you or your husband to take pictures of the baby with THEM, you can either take 1 picture then get super excited about something, hand the camera off again and start directing for your own pictures, or "not hear" their request over the excitement of the pumpking patch.

Have fun!

It's passive-agressive, I know, but that's what I would do.

I think you should be generous and invite them to the pumpkin patch. Then I would spend Halloween night by yourselves as an immediate family doing something you enjoy, whether it be trick or treating, giving out treats at your home, or going to a Halloween carnival. I don't see you as being selfish at all, to want alone time with your husband and child. At the same time, I don't know if in-laws and parents understand this, because it seems like they always want the kids to return home for holidays. I have been married 7 years now and my in-laws and family always want us to spend Christmas, Thanksgiving, etc. with them. So it is hard to carve out alone time. Just do your best and try to divide your time to where you spend some time with relatives and some just with your immmediate family.

Best of luck.

Get two pumkins, make two separate trips.

We are in the same boat M. and my husband and I just had to go through this conversation late this summer and I was also asking myself the same things. I also very much enjoy the company of my in-laws. It is helpful that my husband and I are aware of his personality trait to run a three ring circus and invite everyone to everything.

Explain to your husband that you really love and enjoy his parents, but that you are craving intimate time with just your little immediate family. Tell him its not that you want to exclude, but dynamics and interactions are different in a group and you need to plan outings for just the three of you in addition to big family events. The key is make sure he knows you like his parents and enjoy spending time with them. The positive spin on this is that you are craving intimacy with him and bonding with your little family. Don't uninvited them if they have been invited. Give your husband some time to mentally prepare to meet your needs by saying next outing you need it to be just the three of you.
I got very little resistance on this issue from my husband much to my surprise. I do think that taking personality tests and reading each others personality profile has been helpful in our marriage because he knows his tendency to have lots of people around is at times overwhelming and exhausting for me.

M.,

I've gone through the same thing with my extended family. One thing that your husband needs to understand is that while extended families are very important and should be included in your lives, your family...the reason you began your lives together...is even more important. Your parents and in-laws will be very understanding if you choose to do a few things without them (I'm sure they had the same feelings about their parents when they first started their families!) We (my husband and I) finally had to sit down and make a list of which activities our extended families would be included in and which we would do on our own. For example, we make it a point to visit the grandparents on holidays, but celebrate them at home. We invite family to a Sunday Birthday dinner, but do presents and such by ourselves.
I hope you can find a solution to make both you and your husband happy.

Extended family is wonderful for anyone to have and to enjoy on special days. However, if you want to create a family tradition (with just your immediate family) I would suggest selecting one or two holidays during the year(Christmas Eve for instance) to do that with. Please let your extended families know that this is important to you and tell them to please let you honor this wish. If they can plan ahead (without you) for those events then you will probably be more successful getting their blessings. Plus if they know the plan (a couple of independent holidays a year) it's more likely not going to interfere in your relationships with them.

I understand your point of view. I am also a new mom and my husband and i are both new at this whole thing. His family likes to do things together too. You are going to be having many family traditions and adventures and plenty of opportunities to create new ones. But INCLUDE the family whenever they want to join in. They will not be here forever and the memories you will get to share with everyone are priceless.
We only had one Halloween with my mom-in-law and my son. we all went together to the pumpkin patch, took pictures and now i can show my son that he at least got one Halloween with his Grandma who loved him so very much.

its not a bad thing that they want to be a part of your life.

all our best wishes, M.

Okay, this is personal experience. My mother is only 16 years older than I. She is ready to be a mom NOW,so she really does "mother" my children. I always wanted the BIG family thing with lots of traditions, although it does not stop. She insists on doing it ALL the time. It is very frustrating. We can not do much with out her being involved or being hurt by not being involved. I love having her there, the kids LOVE it. But once in a while would be nice to do something with a holiday that did not include her. My big issue is she is a type A personality and CONTROLS everything!! Which does not always allow for a "family" thing. So with this being said, I understand where you are coming from. If they do not tell you what to do, where to do it and how to do it, then embrace it. These are times your child(ren) will cherish forever, and remember and pass down. One day your son will have children and think of what it will be like to stand on the side lines to watch your grandchildren enjoy their "wows" and "wonders" of the world.
I personally do not think you are being selfish, just pick and choose our battles, this has all just begun. I know there are things that are important, give the first year up, and when you have cycled through all the holidays (make notes) at the end, decide what you really want to do alone, talk it over with your husband and make adjustments next year. The first year is fun, but he is too little to really enjoy it all and be to involved. This year is just for the 1sts. Good luck with what ever you do.

First of all, I do not think you are being selfish. This type of issue is something I am continuously struggling with. I constantly remind myself how much I valued my memories with my only Grandma & how I wished I had my more Grandparents in my life (my other Grandparents passed away either before I was born or while I was quite young) You need to pick & choose your battles and make compromises. While Halloween is a special holiday, Thanksgiving & Christmas are coming as well & you may want to bend a little now in order to be more rigid for things for those holidays. Perhaps you could do the pumpkin patch yourselves but invite them over for dinner that evening where you can all decorate the pumpkins & roast the seeds. Or perhaps you can invite them to go along to the pumpkin patch, but insist that your husband & you take him trick-or-treating alone.

Good luck finding a happy middle ground!

I have been there and am still there and totally agree with you.

This is his first trip and in my opinion it should be with mom and dad (or other partners).

But it helps to have options to give them. Maybe they could come by after when you guys are going to decorate or carve the pumpkins to see him play with the goo inside or something similar.

Just wait until christmas comes around. That was the hardest for us.

Hi M.,
Expectations about how the future will play itself out potentially invites anxiety into your life with the hope of controlling outcomes. If you haven't noticed already, very few of our plans turn out like we imagined them completely. I'm taking a wild guess here, but do your in-laws present a threat to you? Are they over bonded with your husband and tend to control most situations they are involved in? It sounds like there are deeper issues that are being masked by this power struggle.
Good luck,
Wendy

People who love this sort of large family celebration tend to be really offended if you want something different. It’s clear from your post that you are including grandparents in your child’s life and are not trying to eliminate them from all your celebrations. If your husband doesn’t want to have any “private” family celebrations, you may need, for your own sanity, to create some traditions that are only for you and your child. Christmas and Thanksgiving are holidays that must be spent with my husband’s family and for 24 years we have missed having only one single holiday without them. I am sure that my husband and probably my children have enjoyed these celebrations. Children learn to love whatever traditions their parents create for them. Halloween is a holiday that my husband’s family frowns upon. People seem to think that a person will get used to things being a certain way. All I know is that I no longer look forward to Christmas or Thanksgiving. However, I have learned to love Halloween in ways that I never would have imagined. I encourage you to look after your own emotional needs. Finding ways to do this without getting your loved ones knickers in a twist is the art of maturity. You need to have things to look forward too!

It is a tough call... my suggestion is for you let them come to get pumpkins but you have a family day carving them, maybe do some crafts around it, something special treat wise while you work on your pumpkins, etc. Make your own special day on another day. It can be fun and special and all your own...and something they can look forward to every year. Your inlaws may not always be there, every year, and I am sure your little one (s) will enjoy having family around them to share in that day. We live far away from our family and my kids would just die to have our families to share special moments with. I would give on the one thing and make another all your own.

Boy it was really interesting reading all these responses. I am curious as what you decided after reading them all?
As a new grandparent to a 2 1/2 yr old and a 17 month old I can tell you that if the grandparents want to be included in those kinds of things be grateful they care. The issue here seems to be you and your husband. That is where you need to decide who to make the decision for. If it means so much to him to have his folks join in I would say it is not worth a fight or disagreeent with him to keep them away. Your not being selfish, but at the same time you might not be in your best interest to battle over this issue. You need to realize that this is a new grandbaby and for the next few years everything will be a "First" There is a good chance that after a few years the novelity will wear off and down the road you may be just doing this with hubby and the kids. This is probably the first year I might suggest and outing like this to my kids as prior I thought they were too young to enjoy it or understand what was going on. My daughter-in-law took the kids out last year in costumes and didn't invite us. I didn't expect her too, but in the next couple of years as the kids get older and more involved in the holiday, I will probably ask at least one year to go trick or treating with them for the fun of it. Holiday traditions with the "whole (extended)family" can become just as precious memories to the little ones as they grow up as just doing it with Mom and Dad. Maybe strike a deal with Hubby. This year his way, and he can invite the grandparents but next year it your choice grandparents or no grandparents.Good luck, I hope you have a Happy Halloween.
C.

i know how you feel. my husband and i wanted to buy our daughter special ornament every year for xmas and his parents went without asking and bought her some. im still angry over that because that was something my husband and i told them that we would do and not anyone else. but at 10 months your son isnt really going to know any different. i think maybe you and your husband should take your son on a day they arent available on like durring the week. then include them on a different day. my husband and i dont include either side of the family when we do little things like that only because his mom is just a big distraction and wants our daughter to herself. talk to your husband and agree on something. i hope this helps.

I have an over involved mother in law, who insists on doing things like this with us. We all agree (her children included) that it is a little weird that she wants to attend so many functions/outings that are typically the things the parents do. My parents however are the opposite and they also live very far away from us. So I am living both sides of this issue. I also know about family drama surrounding touchy situations like this--we have had our fair share! And sometimes many of us feel like it's just too much family! My advice is simple... go twice. It's a compromise, the backbone of a marriage! So go once with the grandparents/extended family and once with just the 3 of you. This way you don't step on anyone's toes and you get your alone time too. And you get to experience 2 different pumpkin patches! I really appreciated reading some of these comments. Because I do agree, your child is only going to know the traditions he or she experiences, not the ones you wished for. So filled with extended family or not, he is going to cherish whatever traditions you create. Good luck and choose your battles wisely, as there will be many more to come!

Hi,

I'd like to suggest you, hubby and baby go to Pumpkin patch at a certain time and ask the in-laws to meet you an hour later (or whatever time you decide)so that your intimate family can have time together first, then the extended family can join in. Talk this over with hubby and let him know this is how you are willing to compromise. If this is important to you, it should be important to your husband, bottom line.

Good Luck,
E.

I understand completely, and only you know what the answer is. But, I will tell you this, whatever you do now will set the precedence for every holiday from here on out. And if you are not happy with the decision now, you will just resent it more and more each time. So make sure you think it thru and accept the decision wholeheartedly.
My parents were BIG on Christmas. After I got married, my dad would call me at 5am and say "Santa's been, hurry over" and of course we did. But, when the kids came, I put my foot down and said "Santa comes to my house". And, then we called them at 5am and said "Santa's been, hurry over". LOL
Good luck!

The answer to me is simple, is too much love projected toward your son something to deny him of? My son literally goes through growth spurts when surrounded by family and people who love him. Why exclude your family?? Do you feel that your not getting fulfilled yourself? If that's the case,spend some one on one time with hubby, and stop arguing : ) life is too short. Hope it helps.

Honestly, I'd include the 'extended' family as well, though I personally don't see them as extended. I come from a family, similar to your husbands I suppose where it's all one big family. You can continue the tradition of pumpkin picking with them as well. Think of the blessed memories it will create for you children.

the in-laws can be invited... but preface it with them joining YOUR traditions.
Yes, now that you have your OWN nuclear family... you CAN AND WILL create your OWN "traditons." Nothing wrong with that.
But the others, will need time to adjust too.

Not EVERY SINGLE holiday, has to include EVERYONE... but you choose, together with your Husband, explaining it. You CHOOSE which traditions/holidays to do it with the in-laws or your family... or not.

No you are not selfish. You are a Mommy now... and you have your own ideas on the "traditions" you want to create WITH your children, & all Mom's do that.
BUT... do it diplomatically. No Husband (or wife) wants to feel they are "wrong" or but heads about it. Then COMPROMISE... about it, with your Husband. I'm sure he can be capable of understanding that? But it has to be give and take.
And, it is hard to NOT include extended family during the holidays.... so you can do a "joint" family thing, THEN DO YOUR OWN traditions with your own nuclear family/husband/son.

All the best,
Susan

I only read a few of the other posts, but wanted to mention that since your son is still so young, he won't know what activities and outings you go on for the next couple of years (except through photos/journals)...long term memory isn't set for awhile I believe.
Of course, what you do now may set a trend/standard, so you probably want to do now what you'll want to do in the future. But, you also may have a couple of years to figure out exactly which traditions you want for just your small family, so you don't need to stress too much this year if you don't make a set decision.

I personally would LOVE to do more things with extended family, as they all live far away and we miss them (plus they have many grandchildren to split their time between), but I understand it could be frustrating having them so close and wanting to participate in every tradition and event.

Good luck,
N.

Extended family is important, but it is also important for you to do things as a nuclear family.

Maybe say "no" to the pumpkin patch but then have them over for pumpkin carving another day? It sounds like you all get along well, and you want to maintain good relations, but boundaries are still important. Remember sometimes compromising is the key. Good luck!

Put the decision off on him: Explain that you want them involved but you also want fam time. Make him choose what traditions are going to be everybody and which ones are going to be just you guys. There are sometimes traditions that are more important to the extended family and others that are less and he gets to choose.

Write it down in a journal or blog or something so next year he can't change his mind.
Making it his responsibility stops the argument, unless he enjoys arguing with himself.:)
Good Luck.

Hi M., You are sounding abit selfish on the pumpkin adventure. If you ask them to come they could take the photos for the christmas card! Believe me, you can share a fun day like getting a pumpkin. or they can go with your baby themselves on another day. Your baby is 10 months, won't remember anything about it.
It's a give and take for a LONG time with family.
Are you sure the family wants to hang out with you all the time? I'm sure they have a life outside your plans.
Give love and be happy to do it!
Deb

The more the merrier! And as your child gets more mobile, you will appreciate having more people around during the holidays so you can relax too!

Also, maybe you can take your son to a different pumpkin patch another day for your own special tradition with him.

If you and your husband don't agree, I think you should compromise. Have one day with the extended family and also have a different day with just the 3 of you. Having two pumpkins isn't going to make your kid upset. :) We celebrate my daughter's birthday once a week before when my parents visit and then we have a little family thing the next week when it's really her bday so my husband and i can enjoy it in a more low-key way.