Rethinking "Full-Time"

N., I also had fully intended to return to work after BOTH of my children but ended up rethinking it. My daughter is now 13. When she was born, I could not bear to leave her. I worked from home as a financial consultant (life insurance, mutual funds, home equity loans). My daughter never went to daycare or was cared for by anyone other than grandma, occasionally. We ended up filing for divorce by the time she was 3. It just was not a strong marriage and we wouldn't have made it, regardless. I went to work full time as a manager at the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel working from 2am to 11am. Fast forward to now and a 3 year old with my second husband. I again thought I would go back to work (mostly for financial reasons). I just couldn't do it. I was willing to do whatever it took-financially-to stay home. It took alot of sacrifices but it was worth it! I worked as a newspaper carrier delivering papers from 2am to 6am. I made over $400 per week. It was 7 days a week and some wear/tear on the vehicle but was necessary income to make it work. I went back to work full time, at a new job, when he was 2. My husband works 2nd shift, so my son only has to be in daycare from 2-5:30. I do still question the decision to go back to work, but everyone is happy and thriving.

I have been in all the situations from staying home to working opposite shifts to a failed marriage. The best advice is do what is right for your family. It has to be a joint decision. If one is not fully on board, it will be hard to get away from resentment, regret, or bitterness. Have a plan. Sit down and figure out all of your expenses, income, sleep schedules, and family time for each alternative. You can never plan everything perfectly but at least you will know what you are getting yourself into. It will take a committment, no matter what you choose. I agree, you will never have this time back.

"50 years from now it won't matter what kind of car you drove, what kind of house you lived in, how much you had in your bank account or what your clothes looked like. But the world might be a better place because you were important in the life of a child."

Good luck!

D.

1 mom found this helpful

Hi. Congratulations on the new baby!
I have been on both sides of the table. I have 2 children, now 12 and 5. At the time my daughter was born, I worked nights and stayed home durring the day. It was wonderful to see her grow and spend so much time together. However, it DID put a stain on my marriage. When my husband would get home, I would then have to go to work. We rarely had any time together and then grew very distant. When my daughter turned 5, and started kindergarten, I started working part time durring the day, so i would be able to get her off to school and see her when she got home. We divorced shortly after.
Jump ahead and we are now back together. We have a 5 year old son and we put him in daycare (it was hard, but worked). I worked full time, my husband worked full time. Our son loves it, always has. That is what he knows. he has been "in school" since he was a year old. I stayed home for the first year, until we were done breastfeeding. Then he went right to daycare (school). He is now 5 and in kindergarten and everything is working out just fine. I still wish I could have been home more for him, but he is fine.
no matter what you & your husband decide, (it should be a joint decision) you will always want it the other way. or wonder if you would have chosen door #2 instead, would things be different.
Being a mother is the hardest and most rewarding job you will ever have. make sure you know what you want and your husband. Be willing to try other options and keep you mind open. It's okay to change your mind after making a decision.
Good luck and I hope you make the RIGHT decision for your FAMILY, not what others say!
M.

hey N., i know what you mean when i had my son i went back to work full time after 6 short weeks, i felt like i missed out on a lot, i was fortunate my husband was home with him, but i still felt a little bad when i missed out on some of his "firsts" even his first word was da da, when he was 2 years old i took a job second shift 4 days a week, and i wouldnt change it for the world! it works for my family, i spend my free time on nights off with my family, my husband sometimes says he misses me, but he also says that noah (our son) is his best friend because they have all that special time in the afternoons just the two of them to bond. i also dont have to worry about a daycare or stranger watching my child. good luck hope you can find something right for you.

Congratulations N. on the birth of your child. How exciting!!! As my husband and I began having children (we now have 4), we were both teaching full time. I know women do this all the time, but working full time about broke my heart. By the time I was pregnant with our 3rd, we decided we simply HAD to make a change. Working nights was never an option. Although I would have sacrificed everything for my children, I also understood that my marriage relationship was equally important and I wasn't willing to sacrifice that! We began researching various options to work from home. This may be something you might choose to do. As it turns out, after researching tons of companies, we began working with one during the school year and I quit after that year. Because of our success, my husband has now also been able to quit teaching and we still earn far more than we did teaching. It was, by far, one of the BEST decisions we ever made. The key is finding the right company. Fortunately for me, not only do I know I found the best company to work with but the statistics show it as well. If you'd like to know more about my company, go to my website: www.wellnessmakeover.net. Even if you choose not to work with my company, I can give you ideas of what to watch out for when checking out other companies. I wish you well, N.. Your devotion to your child is so evident. Enjoy your day!

You need to do what is best for you and your family - that is the bottom line. Sometimes we have to do things through trial and error to find that "balance" that we need. I am at home with my children but found that I needed "something" else. I decided to take a part time job and its been a real blessing. Its given me the chance to get out of the house for 10-12 hours a week and not be "mom". Its given my husband the chance to bond more with our children during that time and have that special daddy time. We found our balance through trial and error and it works for us.

N.,

You are facing a very tough decision and I would like to offer my two cents on this issue. I am a licensed childcare provider in Appleton and also the mother of two children ages 4 and 6 months. I worked when my daughter was born and had to put her in childcare because I did not have the option of working second shift. My advice for you is to find a good, quality childcare provider that you can trust and stay working your normal job if that is what you enjoy. If you decide to take a job that you don't love that will add strain to your marriage in addition to making the time away from your son.

Another issue that I see is that your son was born early. He may not have any developmental delays, but if he does you would want a caregiver that is trained and knowledgeable on how to help your child succeed. I consider myself a resource for all of my parents and love working with first time parents especially because you do naturally have a lot of questions. No two children are the same, but it is nice to have someone to talk to who has been through what you have.

It is difficult having a new child in the family and you need to do everything in your power to make sure that your husband is involved in your life and decisions all along this process. Communication is going to be critical to keep your marriage working. Even the strongest marriages will fail without good communication. Please contact me if you have any other questions or need additional resources.
S. S

They are only small once and it goes by so QUICKLY I recommend staying home and maybe doing daycare for one family and you can be with him all day and still have some income. You don't have to be liscensed to care for one family. You could find another family with a child the same age as your own and they could make perfect playmates. Or when he's a little older you could be a school bus driver and bring him along working around 4 hours a day or less. Watching your child grow up is more important than money to me. I am a stay at home mom and money is so tight but it's worth it to be so involved with my daughter's life.

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My husband and I (married for 7 years) work the opposite shifts. I work during the day and he works the graveyard shift. It worked out nice because by the time I got home, he would be awake ready to spend time together. After our daughter was born we weighed the options of putting her in daycare or switching his sleeping pattern. He ended up switching his sleeping pattern. He leaves the house at 9:30 p.m. to go to work, he gets home at 7:30 a.m., I leave for work and get home at 3:00 p.m. and then he sleeps from that time to 9:00 p.m. We have been doing this for 21 months now and our marriage couldn’t be more stronger! We are both lucky that I have the weekends off and he has Friday and Saturdays off so we can at least spend the weekends as a family. I do admit it’s hard at times especially now that she is a toddler, I have nobody to tag team with … it’s just me. He at least gets to take a 2 hour nap in the morning, which helps him a lot. We are looking forward to her going to school and then being able to spend the evenings together as a family but now we are talking about having another one. I’m not sure at this point if I could do another couple years. Though when I think back on it I would do anything for our family, especially if it ends up saving us money in the long run. I do have to admit too, it's nice that both of us can spend one on one time with our daughter. It will benefit her in the long run as well.

It's always hard to leave your child with someone else. I went back to work full time when my son was 2 months in February and it was difficult. But I trusted our judgement on our daycare provider and I'm glad I made that choice. I would love to see my son all day but financially I can't have that luxury. I guess some advice from 'the other side' would be that now that he's 10 months old, he's got other children to play and interact with. That is also a big part of their development. He had learned quite a bit from the older children there. Also, even though I'm working, I get a little 'me' time. Being at home all day with your child might get stressful for some people, not having adults to talk to. Besides, I love the fact that my husband can share with me his development rather than me telling him when he got home from work. The best thing I can advise is to do what you both decide is the best for you and your son. Be open with each other about how you are feeling about the change and if you need to make adjustments, compromise. Good luck.

After my first was born, I was only working part-time evenings as it was, so it was no different for our financial situation. I worked two jobs after my second was born (I had to go back to work when she was 2 weeks old), and promptly re-evaluated things. Luckily, my husband is paid well enough for me to be a full-time mom (it's not great, but we're comfortable).

I completely understand your desire to stay home. Some people will say it's just cause you're a new mom, which is true in part, but these days fly by so quickly! Don't let people try to talk you out of your decision. Do what you and your husband feel is right for your family. Personally, I couldn't do the opposite shifts with my husband, I need our personal time as much as my time with the kids. After Baby is born in December, I'll reconsider going back to work, but for now we're fine, and I'm thrilled to be with the kids.

On the flip side, once you DO leave your child with a sitter, the first week or so is tough, but it gets so much easier. I had more separation anxiety than my son did. :) Plus, he met so many new friends and just took off developmentally that I'm glad I placed him in daycare. (we had a phenomonal daycare provider)

I'd say give yourself a month back at your current job and see how things go. If it still doesn't feel right, rearrange your schedule or find something that will allow your family the flexibility you need. Congratulations on becoming a Mommy! :)

Hi,

It sounds like you may have already made up your mind. :) With my first son, my husband and I worked opposite shifts. Yes, at times it is hard, but the key is to have a SCHEDULE, who's doing the cleaning, schedule dates with you husband, and schedule family time. Don't think of it as long-term either. Maybe decide on a time when you could switch back to being on the same schedule. The only other advice I can give you is if you feel in your heart you need to be with your baby, do it, you can never get that time back.

Hi N.,
When I read your story, my heart crawled up in my throat. I know, as many mothers do, exactly how you feel. My son is almost 5 months old. I just went back to work a few weeks ago. I'm still struggling with the sadness, guilt, and exhaustion. I work full-time and so does my husband. I recently was offered a part-time job (job share) with a different employer, but turned it down for a number of reasons. One reason is that I worried about what the stress of a new job would do to me as a mom. Even though I don't want to work full-time, I have a job that I am comfortable in. I look at this as temporary, and that's how I get through the day. Our one-year plan is for me to be able to be a SAHM by next year.

One suggestion I have that is similar to the opposite shift solution is staggered shifts. I work 7 a.m. to 4 p.m. and my husband works 9- 5:30. Since I start earlier, he takes our son to the sitter and enjoys alone time with him every morning. I get off work and rush to pick up our son and we have alone time until my husband gets home. He does go to a sitter during the day, but not as long as he would if we both worked the same hours. Hope this idea might help you.

Good luck. I know it feels awful. I cried for weeks before I went back to work and still cry almost every day when I leave. It does get better though, I know that's hard to believe.

Have you talked with your supervisor at work about changing your schedule? I am a first time mother of a now 14 month old who is in daycare 4 days a week. I changed my work schedule to 4 days a week from 5 and now I spend 1 day a week all day with my son. It saves on daycare and I look forward to "our time" each week. You may want to look around and ask other parents about daycare centers too. I only had a week or so to find a center, but our friends recommendations helped. I started the week before I returned to work leaving my son for1-2hours increasing the time to a full day. It made it easier when I started back to work.

Congratulations!! I also know how difficult that is!! When my first was born, I had to go back after 6 weeks (and that was after a c-section, too!) because I didn't have enough vacation and we couldn't afford it. I felt so horrible. :( What I did though, which helped a little, was I went back 1/2 time for the first 2 weeks. Also, my hubby split up his paternity leave, so he took a week off right away and then a week off when I went to work so we could delay sending him off for a week.

I wished we could have afforded to stay home but we couldn't. (I was able to after my second though, because my whole paycheck would have been eaten up by daycare costs anyway!)

I guess I don't have a lot of advice--do what's best for your family! My neighbors did what you're proposing--each taking a different shift so they didn't have to send their daughter to daycare at all, and while they said it was difficult and neither of them got much sleep, they're glad they did it (she's now 12).

Hope this helps! Good luck! Enjoy your baby!!
~Steph

With my daughter i worked nights and she got to be with me during the day and her father at night NO strangers babysitting or daycare. with my son i worked days and had to go the daycare route. If i could do it over I would have gone back to nights after having him. I just feel that my son got robed of the quality care that ONLY his parents could provide. I am a firm believer that each family needs to do what is comfortable for them, but dealing with the trials of daycare or babysitters can add extra stress to a full time job and family life but so can working opposite shifts I personaly feel that we (my husband and I) made the most of our time together when we worked opposite shifts. Good luck in whatever you decide.

Hi N.,
First of all, congratulations on the baby and I hope you are both doing well. Trust me, I understand exactly what you are going through. Before we had our daughter 9 months ago, both my husband and I were working full time first shift; I was even working at a day care and had fully intended on just sending my daughter there while I continued to work there full time. But after many long talks about it, and figuring out if that even made sense financially (which it didn't because we still had to pay for day care and even though it was a discount because I worked there it wasn't enough of one), I quit my job at the day care, stayed home with my daughter without working for about 5 months, and then found a job working part time 2nd shift; about 18 hours a week. If I would've wanted to, I could have just stayed home and not worked, even though it would have strained our finances a bit, but I decided that I needed a break for a few hours a night just to get out and interact with other people and not be "mom" for awhile. This works out really well for us. Although I am only working about half as much as I used to, we've made it work and we both really enjoy the quality time we spend with our daughter. I'm not going to lie, it can be hard on the marriage, but you just have to talk things out and make time for each other when you are both home. Do what you feel in your heart you should do; maybe try putting your child in daycare for awhile and if that doesn't work, then try working 2nd shift, or part time or something; you just have to find the right balance for your family and what works for you. Good luck!
A.

My first thoughts were...DO IT. If you guys can handle living on one full time salary or one full and one part time salary, DO IT. They are only small for so short of a time. Jobs come and go. I felt so guilty leaving my coworkers after having my second child. They are obviously doing fine without me and my family has benefitted greatly. Yes, it is a bit straining on a marriage, but just having a child is also. You will not regret staying home to raise your baby. Good luck and enjoy, it does go fast!
C.

Hi N.-

I see you already got tons of advice but will still give you mine. Everyone who has to work goes through this. It's very tough. I just started 2nd shift about a month ago & absolutely LOVE IT! I get to spend 6hrs more a day with him then when I was on 1st shift. As for the marriage. Well, you also have to work on that. That's what the weekends are for. I call my dh every night while I'm at work & we see each other on the weekends. We plan on setting up a date night 1x a month also.

Good luck. It will get easier if you decide to stay first shift. Like you, I just felt guilty giving him to someone else for 9hrs a day.

P.

well im a single mommy so my situation is a little different then yours so please take that into consideration.. anyways when my son was 2 1/2 months old i made his father leave (best thing i ever could have done!) i got a job working second shift.. at this point it really wasnt that bad since drake was still young enough for me to get some time with him in the mornings and around lunch time and he was still up once my shift was over.. the next job i got was a first shift job working 4 days a week but working 10 hr shifts.. this is where things really went down hill for me and drake.. between travel time to and from work and my 30 min break which was not included in my 10 hrs a day.. i was gone for 12 1/2 hrs 4 days a week... so i barely had any time with my son and i felt misserable because of it! my 3 off days were always consumed with running errands and cleaning the house so again i didnt have much time for the little guy! after that i switched to part time job working 1st shift (or at least kind of 1st shift lol)... by then i had to work shorter hours if i wanted any time with my son, also daycare expenses were a problem before i went part time.. so also take day care expenses into consideration to see if its actually worth going back to work on a financial level! by now i work from home since i cant afford not to (for various reasons)... and honestly its the best thing for me and my son! i dont have to worry about him being in day care and me not be able to go to work for a few days because he is sick and i have nobody else to watch him.. also i get to spend much time with him and instill the things in him which he needs to become a functional adult when he gets older.. hes not being raised by strangers ect... im a firm believer that its best to always have at least one parent with the child if at all possible! so if u do want to go back to work id check into part time!

I had the same trouble going back to work with my first. I was to go back full-time when he was 6wks old. I didn't make it back till he was 9 wks old. It can be very difficult. I was able to leave my boy home for another month with my husband while he was laidoff during the winter. Then I was able to find a daycare center about a mile from where I work and enrolled my son there when he was about 3.5 mo old. Now my son is a year old and since the time he started daycare till today, I go during my hour lunch and spend time with him. It stinks dropping him off, but it is awesome seeing him during lunch and picking him up at 4pm. We have a nice drive in to daycare and home from daycare. It isn't as great at spending the entire day with him, but it is almost the second best thing. A great alternative for me and my boy in having to put him in daycare. It also gives me my 'me time' even though it is at work. When I get home we can just focus on family time and worry about chores on the weekend. I appreciate my son so much more now that I don't get to spend every hour with him and I see the little changes & development so much clearer because of this. But it is different for everyone.

Hi N.!
I have a suggestion for you.... Would you consider working from home? Maybe if you tried a home biz while you are on maternity leave you can see if you can get it to replace your income so you can stay home and work when you want to! I am with a great company that I make really good money with. It is called Taste of Home Entertaining. As a mom I totally understand how improtant it is to be home with them when they are young especially. I am not going to push my biz on you I only leave it as an option for you to consider! If you would like more info go to EntertainwithTracy.tohe.com it has all of my info if you would like to talk more about it! I hope I helped you a little!! In the mean time enjoy every second you have with your little bundle of joy because the adventure starts now! Talk to you soon!
T.

Hi N.-
I had the same issues after the birth of our first daughter. I ended up staying home completely the first year which was awesome. Prior to her birth I worked in Pharma sales and knew I didn't want to go back to that. But after the first year I needed to get out of the house a bit so at 27 I became a waitress again!! My husband would get home around 5 or 5:30 and I would go in to work until around 10. I usually averaged about 15 to 20 dollars an hour and I got to adjust my availability however I wanted. I worked about four nights a week unless I did weekend hours where you make more money. It was the best paying part-time job I could find with the most flexibility and we never had to pay for babysitting because our little peanut was always with one of her parents. We actually have two girls now and I worked part of the second pregnancy and then went back for awhile after my second daughter was born. Although I had to swallow my pride a bit, it was the best financial decision and it didn't take too much out of our family time. I wouldn't change it for the world!! Good luck and I hope you find something that works for you, any choice comes with it positives and negatives.

Hello N. I completly feel for you. I just went back to work full time last tues after our 3rd child was born and its the hardest thing Ive had to do. We have never needed daycare because my younger sister and brother came to our house to watch the boys but now my sister is in college so we had to rethink our situation. My husband and I decided that we would work opposite shifts so we would not have to do daycare which is hard but I really love being home all day with the kids. my husband and I did this after our 1st son was born for a year and it worked perfect. we arranged it so we would have 1 full day off together and then we each have a seperate day off so we have our individual time and our family time. Just really check into it with your boss because after we had everything worked out my boss told me that he will only let me do this until the end of November then he wants me back to regular hours for the holidays. sometimes people you think you know well turn out to surprise you!(good and bad) Good luck with everything and I hope it all works out for your family.
A.

Hi N.,

My husband are in a similar situation I work in the mornings and he works nights. He has off the weekends as do I so that is our "family time" This schedule works for us and I am glad that we are both getting a chance to watch our daughter grow and she isnt in daycare.

It is a tough schedule and it will test your marriage but if you have a strong enough relationship and are determined to make it work you can.

We have our days when we wish we could see eachother more often but we are happy with our decisions and I have never regretted it!

Good luck with whatever decision you make, just do what is in the best interest of your family!

About two years ago I worked the NOC shift at a nursing home and was home all day with my then three year old son. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do and I would never do it again! I left when my husband and son went to bed and when I got home in the morning my son was already awake. I was exhausted and completly run down, not to mention it throws off your schedule everytime you get a day off.

I know how you feel, N.. I work 2nd shift and I have to tell you it has been hard on our family as a whole. It's nice because my children aren't in daycare as much but it's hard because our family time is limited. It's difficult on my husband and I because it seems like we never see each other. I'm actually in the process of figuring out how I can quit. What about working part-time during the day?
Good Luck. I know it's hard. Stay strong and us other mommies are here for you! :)

I HAVE BEEN A STAY AT HOME MOM FOR AWHILE I JUST COULD NOT PUT THE TRUST INTO SOMEONE ELSE HANDS FOR THE WELL-BEING OF MY BABY ;AND I HAVE ALSO WORKED OUTSIDE THE HOME. ME STAYING HOME IS A BIT OF A STRAN BUT IT IS WORTH IT MOSTLY WHEN THEY ARE YOUNG. WORKED OUTSIDE THE HOME FOR THE PAST 2 YEARS AND JUST DECIDED THAT ME BEING THERE FOR THE CHILDREN AND GOING BACK TO SCHOOL WAS MORE IMPORTANT THAN BEING ABLE TO EAT OUT EVERYNIGHT AND BUT THINGS WITHOUT WONDERING HOW WE WHERE GOING TO PAY FOR IT.... IF US GUYS FEEL IT IS MORE IMPORTANT TO BE THERE FOR YOUR CHILD THEN THE STRAIN IS WORTH IT. GOOD LUCK ON YOUR CHOICE

My brother and sister-in-law worked seperate shifts. They are now divorced. I'm not saying that was the cause, but it was a factor because they couldn't spend time together. You know your family best, but consider that a good daycare is better than a divorce.