Resources That Are Available for a Strong-willed 3Yr Old Boy

I'm responding more to respond to Christy J as she said her son was a biter and the parents were mad. When my daughter was 18 months old, she was repeatedly bitten by another child in her class. The last bite was on her face where he left BLEEDING bite marks in my daughters face. You can bet your bottom dollar I was FURIOUS. I had to take my daughter to a dermatologist and get special cream to make sure she did not have a scar on her face for the rest of her life. I did not say anything to the daycare or the other child's parents, because I know biting happens. But trust me, that was the last straw for me. If one more thing I had happened, I was going to blow my top. Fortunately, nothing more did happen.

But I am only responding because I was that "mad" parent. Mad parents happen. So, I'm glad to hear you are reaching out for help. I know other parents are suggesting things you can do. But, behavior modification starts at home too. You need to have a ramification for every time he acts out. He needs to learn that kind of behavior is not acceptable. I hope and pray you can get some help and learn how to safely/correctly modify his behavior.

Good luck,
L.

Is the Daycare that he goes to.... a big sized group?
With various ages?
The reason I ask this is: some kids, do not do well in BIG sized groups or groupings. And if the group leaders or providers are not real nurturing... the kids can become "stressed."
At times for young kids, because they do not have instinctive "coping skills"... can become "aggressive" toward others, because they do not know how to manage... frustration and stress.
So, having him in a smaller place with less kids, may help.

Or, perhaps he is just ready for "Preschool" versus a Daycare.
At this age and at 4 years old, kids this age are "ready" for Preschool and often enjoy it. They need more, at this age. And it will also prep him for Kindergarten and he will learn more.

The main thing is, with young kids starting from when they are Toddlers, is to teach the child "coping skills" and HOW TO SAY... what they are feeling. ie: happy, sad, mad, grumpy, hungry, tired, its too loud I don't like it, etc. Because, kids this age NEED to learn, HOW to "express" themselves. It is not a "skill" they automatically know. A parent has to teach them. Because, kids this age get stressed and frustrated many times a day. AND if they are tired or lack sleep or are over-tired... they get even MORE.... frustrated because they lack patience and tolerance... when tired or over tired or over stimulated.
Many kids, this age and on... need to have a time to "deflate." To have a quiet time where they can just be alone or have quiet. It helps them to regroup etc.

From when my kids were 2 years old... I taught them how to say how they feel, even if that meant they are grumpy or irritated. And to tell me and tell me why. That it is okay... I am not just going to scold or punish them for it, because adults too get grumpy. BUT if they know they can tell me, and we practice how to vocalize it.... they can feel better about "managing" their emotions, too.
This is KEY... for a young child. Especially for boys... so they learn how to express themselves and their feelings. If not, they get all pent-up... and explode or, get mean to others.
When my son was only 3 for example, he knew how he felt and would tell me... and knew the differences between him feeling grumpy or irritated or frustrated. And he would tell me... and feel secure in doing so. And that alone, helped him to deflate...

A lot of this is coping skills. Which kids do not know how, yet. Unless they are taught.

You also said that your son does not seem to participate in the majority of group activities. Maybe it is just a matter of him being better with small... groups. And maybe he is introverted? Or maybe the other kids are just too...noisy or overbearing?

What is his personality type?
Introvert?
Shyer?
Extrovert???
It could just be a matter... of the environment.

Also as an aside: when my son is very tired or over tired.. he gets more "hyper" and rough. But we KNOW that about him... so then, he naps or goes to bed earlier. My son if he has lack of sleep or is tired, gets out of whack. Not his usual self.

What triggers... your son to be "aggressive" or hard to handle?
3 is a hard age developmentally, and 4 years old is hard too, or harder.
It is always best, to teach skills to a child... not just punishments. Teaching coping skills and how to communicate or indicate their needs... along WITH... consequences when it is warranted.
For example: some kids get scolded or punished no matter what they do, even if they are not "naughty" but just did something by accident. So then they just think whatever... they will be punished no matter what they do. They have not learned, to know the difference between their behaviors and if it is on purpose or accidental or between bad/good concepts.
So the parent has to teach them... these differences. And then explain why. And then teach the child... WAYS of coping or handling situations.

I haven't seen your son, but aggressive behavior in 3 year olds is normal. Maybe you need to try a new daycare place? And why would he even be by the other adults to hit them? That seems strange to me, but I do recall getting hit by a friend's 3 year old a few times. I didn't think anything of it. 2-5 year olds hit, bite, pinch, shove, etc. They are just learning to control themselves, and most times this stuff is instinctual.

Maybe he really has some kind of problem, and I haven't seen him, so I don't know how severe this is. But I just want to offer that he's only 3. As an adult, I'm having a hard time imagining being really upset if a three year old hit me.

Some kids at three are still not very social, so I don't think that participating in group activities is really an indicator of anything, necessarily, at his age.

I suggest you have as much fun one-on-one time with him as possible. He may just be missing you and acting out, since it sounds like you and dad have to work a lot.

Your time with him might be better spent having fun than taking him to appointments.

I might be wrong, and this might be an indication of something more serious that needs more serious intervention, but I might be right that he's just a spirited 3 year old who is acting out a little cause he misses his parents.

I wish adults wouldn't freak out when a 3 year old hits them.

Does your school district offer any kinds of services? I know here (in CA), many school districts offer services when kids turn 3 and age out of our Regional Centers that provide therapy. I would call your local district office and see if they have anything that they can offer to your son.

The daycare director should also be aware of programs, as I'm sure your son is not the first child she's seen who is aggressive. Ask her for additional resources.

Also, ask her what types of things set him off. Maybe there is a certain type of situation that is particularly upsetting to him and avoiding that could eliminate his aggression. Does he get upset when his friends leave, and that's why he hits their parents? If so, find him a quiet activity in a separate part of the room when his friends are leaving so he doesn't see them go.

Is it possible that he just wants attention and wants the adults to focus on him, so he's doing whatever he can to be noticed? If so, just make sure that the time you spend with him at home is special. I don't mean that you have to come up with all kinds of exciting activities. Just make sure you're focusing on him; put your phone/computer away, don't do work when you're at home, etc. Not saying you do those things now, but I know I have a tendency to do other things when I'm with my kids, and they definitely act out to try to get my attention.

In the meantime, don't beat yourself up about it. I'm sure you are a great mom and you obviously want what's best for your son. Many parents would deny there was even a problem, so it is really wonderful and a testament to you that you're taking action to give him all that you can.

I don't know that hitting will qualify him for services. This is nothing new and it is something that all kids who are not taught otherwise, do.

I think it's a matter of teaching your 3 year old to have respect for others, especially adults. I really don't understand why people always think kids need counseling/therapy. What they really need is for their parents to instill respect in them. Do you really think that your 3 year old has some deep rooted issues that excuse his disrespect for adults? I doubt it. He just hasn't been taught any better.

It's up to you and hubby to teach it. Start expecting him to respect you guys. That's the first step.

Hey girl, I feel your pain. I had a hitter/biter. Even the parents were complaining and getting mad (yes, mad) at my 2 yo. My director was worried for me, because she could see it was stressing me out and she said flat out - he is 2. this is what they do. So she and another lead teacher spent three days observing behaviors and patterns of the class. They realized that when my little man got bored, he'd bite/hit, etc. SO they came up with a plan to mitigate the behavior by stopping before it could start. These are incredible professionals!
Based on my experience you need to find a better child care center and/or possibly look at the types of training your director and teachers are attending. (To be licensed they all have to acheive a certain # of training hours and some of those should be specific to developmentally appropriate practices and behavior!) I know that is not always an option. . . so
I would suggest you consider the books "hands are not for hitting" and "teeth are not for biting" we did read these at home to re-inforce what the messages at school were and we gave our kiddo opportunities to be more involved in activities that required him to practice his hand and mouth behaviors. We also invested in a lot of play dough to keep those hands busy :P
Good luck!

Lake Arlington Baptist church has a counseling center called IMPACT. They have several counselors who are certified in play therapy. Please call them at ###-###-####. They don't accept insurance, but they do have a sliding scale fee based system if money is tight. Praying for God to work in a Mighty way!