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Getting married is a huge life changing event, as well as having a baby. 2 life changing events so close together is enough to make anyone stressed. Yes you are going through hormone changes that will make you weepy and tired and maybe even frustrated. Is it possible that he's afraid of hurting the baby? A lot of dads to be have this fear that having sex while their wife is pregnant can be dangerous to the baby. If that is the case bring him to one of your OB appointments so your OB can explain that it's really OK. It may be that he is getting used to being husband and father to be. Is he under any stress at work lately? Stress can be a big damper on your sex life.

I would suggest sitting down and talking to him about this issue calmly. If neither of you can communicate on this issue alone, then I would seriously recommend counseling if you want to save you marriage. This is a huge issue that is not going to go away on it's own. Once you are able to work through this your relationship will be stronger than ever. A good marriage takes a lot of work, so hang in there I'm sure you will get past this bump in the road.

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Dear L.,
Congratulations on your marriage and on your pregnancy ! You have had 2 life changing events in a short time, just like my daughter. There are so many new situations in your life, you need to take a step back, take time to digest them one by one and make time for your relationship with your husband by going out on a date once a week. Go to a movie, dinner, whatever you both agree on and then it might be easier to talk naturally...leading to the closeness you want. The most important time is for the 2 of you to take time to invest in your partnership, because soon you will have the responsibilities of a baby. Yes you have hormones, welcome to the women's club. Men don't have them so get the support from your female family and friends. The best piece of advice I ever got in life was: "act, don't react". When any exchange with you and another person that is shocking or uneasy happens, take a step back and don't react so you have time to study the elements involved. Study the person/situation by prayer/meditation and then respond.
I never understood this until recently and it has saved me a lot of grief. I used to find myself reacting to my husband, and we would get into a disagreement and confusion. MEN AND WOMEN ARE DIFFERENT AND THINK SOOOOOO DIFFERENTLY. Now I realize this is by Intelligent Design, but the point is how to compliment and appreciate each other, and share heartistically. Rome was not built in a day and relationships take time to build up. And yes, marriage or anything worthwhile takes WORK. Take care of yourself, too.
Blessings to you and your new family,
Mama K.

2 moms found this helpful

Were you pregnant before you got married? Are you showing? Some men have issues with sex when their partner is pregnant,especially when they start to show. It's like they feel they would hurt the baby or they can't reconcile this pregnant woman, the mother carrying their child, with the woman they make love to. It is probably not related at all to how he feels about you. Some men just cannot feel aroused by their wives' pregnant body, they feel too protective of it. Keep in mind that your weight gain does not mean you are getting fat...you are growing a life, and your hormones are likely running wild. Not talking to your hubby won't solve it. You need to sit and listen, really listen, to what he has to say, without getting judgemental or hurt. I understand your frustration, and I hope it gets better. Does your hubby have a good, married guy friend he can talk to?

Blessings,
S.

1 mom found this helpful

A lot of men are nervous about having sex during pregnancy... mine included. So ironic how we can be the horniest when they are the most cautious... Uggh. Try to always think big picture, but I understand you!!

Hi L. -- please read Hot Monogamy -- it was SOOOO helpful to me as the "low sex drive" partner in my relationship, and it would be equally helpful to the person on the other side of the coin -- ideally both folks should read it or listen to the tapes together, but my honey was so upset by the time I got the tapes that I just listened on my own and applied the advice as best I could to my side of the bed, and it still helped a lot! The author's name is Pat Love, and the biggest point she makes is that no two people are going to want sex equally much -- all sex drives are different, just as levels of neatness, ratios of spending to saving, and ideas of how much time to spend on vacation every year will naturally be things couples have to compromise on. When I can get *up* to once a week, that is a bonanza for us. I wish you all the best -- I know it is hard for you, and I know from experience it is hard for your husband too - the anger of someone who thinks they are being rejected in such an intimate way is definitely painful and scary to be on the receiving end of!

Good luck!
M.

I think that your husband might have a fear of hurting the baby thats coming, sometimes this happens, its not anything about you, My husband did this and weirdly the bigger my belly showed with the baby the sexier I was to him, also after he heard with his own ears from the dr. that if he was gentle it was fine then everything was fine. A baby and a new marriage is a lot to adjust to, Your new husband is now a husband and soon to be father, My husband seemed a little stressed, but very happy with the pregnancy news, he was thinking about the future expense of cribs, formula and diapers in his head I think as well as how our relationship was going to change permanently once my kids were born. Which our relationship has changed the moment the kids were born. When its now just you, your husband and romance, the kids needs become the forfront especially the first 2 years because they are most dependent on everything done for them. Really talk and dream to look ahead of what life looks like after your baby is born with your husband, so he can open up his thoughts and adjust. Also I think take a lot of date time while you are pregnant to grow closer as a couple. Go out to do your favorite things together to focus on each other, Once the child is born there is a distraction from each other, its a good feeling to have a family it just changes the focus on just each other. Keeping your relationship strong is very important, as you will need his helping hands, and emotional support on those late nights and adjustment to motherhood. Best wishes

I don't know if this will help you, but many many men do not want to have sex while their wife is pregnant. My husband was like this with our first pregnancy. It had nothing to do with weight gain. In fact, it began when we had the 20 week ultrasound and he saw the baby looking like a real baby! From that point on, it was just odd to him to try and have sex with me while his son was in my uterus! He was also afraid of hurting me and the baby. After seeing me go through completely natural, med free labor, I think he was convinced that he would not hurt me, so with our second pregnancy things changed! it was just unchartered territory before.

Perhaps you can have a calm talk with him and tell him how you are feeling. Men are affected by pregnancy too. And if y'all are newlyweds AND pregnant, he may be feeling a lot of pressure as provider. This is something that strongly affects men. When I became a SAHM, my husband was very stressed in the role of sole provider. It took a few months for him to adjust. This could be an issue for your husband, too. Even if he isn't sole provider, he will soon be provider for a wife AND baby. Men are profoundly affected by changes in their lives like this. Talk to him and see if this is your issue.

****ETA Please please do not take to heart what the man below said. You are not an awful, pregnant, mean, unloving woman right now! Don't worry about being the "good little girl" - that is demeaning and not your problem at all. I hate that he popped on here to tell poor pregnant you that! So sorry you had to read that. Do not think your "moods" have turned your husband off of sex. I'm sure, like all the women here have said, that it is just scary for him how life is changing and hurting you and what not. It is not your hormones and moods that are turning him off, honey. IGNORE the man!

***ETA again, I guess the man took his response off. So ignore the rest of what i said! Maybe he realized he was wrong.

That can happen. Some men don't want to say it but they arn't attracted to pregnant women. That is not ment to be hurtful just the way they feel. It also doesn't mean that they don't love us, they just feel funny having sex with someone with a baby inside. All of this my husband and I ahve talked about. I am not hurt...I just have to understand where he is coming from. I would just see if there are other ways that you can get your needs filled by him that he is comfortable with and start with that...who knows what that would lead too. Also know, that when we are pregnant EVERYTHING gets bigger than it is and we are even more sensitive. Hang in there and just work on loving him no matter what...sex or not! Hope that helps...

I would ask how long have you been together total prior to marriage? How far along are you? Your husband may be putting a lot of pressure on himself in regards to the new baby, along with getting used to living together if that is new etc. He may also have pressures at work. It may have nothing to do with you at all. Don't put added pressure on him right now. Give him a bit of time without any pressure and things will turn around.

you got married and immediatley got pregnant. Maybe he is afraid tha intercourse will somehow harm the baby. If this is the case, make an appointment with him to see the doctor with you and be assurred that it's OK. Was your sex life OK before you got pregnant. You need to tell him how you feel about the weight and feeling unwanted and that you'ed like a little cuddling and affection. You may have married a shallow man who things pregnant women are just gross looking. Either way, he needs to read up on it as well has have a doctor visit and learn about your feelings, harmonss, etc. Otherwise, you're in for a lot of sadness.

L.,
I totally understand your frustration! My daughter's father did not touch me either after I started showing right at 4 months. No matter what I did, he could not go there!! I barely gained 20 lbs, and from the back you could not even tell I was pregnant! It was hard. 3 wks after I had her, it was on again! No problem!!
But you know, maybe you can have him read all of these comments. That way it does not seem like it is just you! I might make it easier to break the ice and get the communication going.
Take care and God Bless!

You said you are pregnant! Some men don't want to have sex with a pregnant woman, because they secretly fear hurting the baby. You are newlyweds, the first year is the hardest, let it go, if you survive the first year you can survive almost anything! It is not your appearance, it is that he doesn't want to damage the beautiful baby you have created together. Blessings, S.

I had the same problem with my husband when we were first married. To be exact we found out we where pregnant 2 weeks after our wedding. Of course the pregnancy brings out a lot of emotion in both of you. The reason we were not having sex is because he felt like my body was our childs home and he didnt want to do anything that would possibly harm the baby. I told him over and over that it was okay, because believe me my hormones where going and man did I want to be intimate. But the bottom line was that he was just too uncomfortable and I had to deal with it. Im not saying this is the problem with you and your husband but maybe it is worth a talk to see if this is whats bothering him? Good luck with both this and your pregnancy!

I am going to be blunt. It freaks them out to think they may be bonking Jr. on the head. This stuff is totally natural you are just going through it earlier in your marriage. Try to be more calm about it, I know it's hard because any emotion you feel in multiplied by 50 by the pregnancy. Good luck to you and remind him that he can't hurt you or the baby and open your lines of communication. Make him his favorite dinner and watch a movie (action of course)that should put him in better spirits.

I doubt seriously the problem is because he thinks you are unattractive because of gaining weight due to pregnancy. Most likely he feels like he may harm the baby if you have sex. He may also feel like he is violating the baby's space. He may not know how to express those feelings, be embarrassed by them, or not even realize that he is feeling that way.

After I had my son it took a lllooonnnggg time for me to allow my husband to touch or kiss my brests after I quit nursing (I had problems with supply and only nursed about 8 weeks). I kept thinking about how they were food for my newborn, and it kinda grossed me out that he was touching them. I never told him this, I just always pushed him off of them. He did get mad for a time about it. I eventually just had to work through it, because I couldn't bring myself to tell him.

I can relate. My husband and I have only been married about 8 1/2 months and I'm now 6 months pregnant. My husband stop wanting to have sex after we found out I was pregnant and I too got really frustrated. I asked him why he didn't want to and he said it was a little weird to him to have sex knowing that there was a baby inside of me and he was afraid he was going to crush the baby laying on me or that he would cause damage to the baby if we had sex. I let him know that there wasn't any way that he could get close to the baby and we would just try different positions. We even asked the doctor about it and he had confirmed that it was ok. After that my husband and I are back to pretty regularly. There have been times when we have either just been too tired or I wasn't feeling well but otherwise we are back to normal. He may be feeling the same way. Try asking him straight out why he doesn't want to have sex. If he is feeling the same then it's an easy fix well sorta. Even the first time we had sex after I was pregnant he was afraid to hurt me but now things are fine. I don't think it has anything to do with the way you look or if you are starting to show. My husband tells me I'm even sexier now and says that I glow. I think if you talk with your husband you'll find it's something simple to get passed.

relax!!! Some guys are not comfortable with pregnacy. They do not know what to do or not do. Yes - you are being sensitive. And maybe he is also. There is only one way to for this to work and that is if you both want it to work. Sex is NOT the most important thing, really it isn't. I remember going through some "no sex" times when my husband was working on a masters and I thought he must be wanting to move on past me into another world. We have been married 30 years now and survived 2 rough adoptions that went south, then 2 adoptions with colicy babies and lots of infertility then a surprise baby then the terrible teens! Really not all wonderful. The thing was that we liked each other. Trust me I fussed some and than only made him feel like it was all to difficult. Just get back to friendship and get off the sex subject.

Just the thoughts of a 55 yr old! Step out of your needs and make sure he is ok. Maybe he is worried about supporting you all and then worried about why it is not going well. I think you can make things better!

Hi L.,
My advice is.....relax. When couples are newly married there is a big adjustment time and we all tend to be a bit insecure and depend on sex to "show" how much we love one another. Everyone is different in their physical/emotional needs...alot of couples have sex once a week and that is fine for them. Where we get in trouble is when we start putting pressure on each other to prove our love. Sex is a by-product of love....not love itself. If he wanted no sex at all I would say there is a problem....but there are often many reasons it may slow down......don't worry so much....your hormones (congrats on pregnancy) are most likely causing some hyper-sensitivity to "feeling" rejection...even though your new husband loves you. I know! I've been through what you are talking about. My husband and I have been married 8 years now..and love (and the sexual part) just grows more secure with time.... As a christian, I can tell you know how much Jesus loves you... don't know if you have ever heard that...but His love is so immense....it will fill your heart to overflowing!! For God so loved YOU He gave His only begotten son....John 3:16 Just ask Him to fill your heart up with His immense love!! It is wonderful.....

I see this is resolved but I just want to let you know that the pregnant body is absolutely beautiful, especially the further along you get. The worst part is in the beginning when you are feeling lousy but not showing. It just looks like you're swelling. Don't worry, that passes and you are clearly pregnant to everyone and it is sensational! Beautiful! Stunning! Embrace it and you will glow.

This advice may sound too easy, but talk about it. Sit down with him and let him know everything that has been bothering you, and things should get better, at least you should get some answers. This works great for my husband and myself, communication is the key! Good luck!

First off congrats on your new arrival! I know that you feel so hurt and some of that is probably due to your hormonal state. You mentioned that you guys are newly married and already expecting a baby. I know that my husband and I got married and then preggers 6 weeks later. Even though we were happy, it was really intense for us in different ways. He went from being a brand new husband, to having to think about how to support a whole family and be a good dad in a matter of weeks. The day we found out I was pregnant, he ran and grabbed a product magazine(he's in sales), and just poured over it for hours thinking of how he could sell more, do more, be more. You know a basic question for a man is "Do I have what it takes?" He may be going through a lot right now thinking of becoming a dad. He could be processing through feelings of loss if you guys were surprised by your pregnancy. Maybe he thought you would have more time as a couple before you launched into parenthood. It is so easy to think men are just sex machines, but they have feelings and their emotions can affect their sex drive just as ours can. So I think the best thing to do right now is relax. Just try to be there for him and love on him in any way that works. Believe me, the tables will probably turn at some point where you won't be feeling like hitting the sheets and he won't be able to leave you alone. Marriages have so many seasons. But, as a fellow member of the marriage straight to babies club, a little while down the road and you will holding that little baby and just falling in love. I wish you all the best and hang in there!!

Men ARE TOO ATTRACTED TO PREGNANT WOMEN, he prob. just dosen't want to hurt the baby,.
God Bless and Congrats!!!

There is lots of questions I want to ask before saying anything. It sounds like there is a lot of things happening. My husband gets stressed forget the making love part. How many months are you pregnate. I am sure that is not why either. Sometimes when you act like you don't care about that then it happens. But it sounds like so much is happening. Sometimes we or us or me (Can be my worst enemy because we can make all kinds of conslustions as to why and it may not even be close and we are all upset) All I can say is good luck and hang on. Maybe he just needs time.

He might be nervous about the baby. Make sure he goes with you to your next appt and ask the doctor about the safety of sex. If he doesn't go, make sure you let him know you asked. Don't nag or pester him or make him feel guilty. He may be having issues that you don't know about or understand. He could be upset that you are pregnant so soon and needs time to get over that. He could be scared of hurting your or the baby. He could be super nervous about being a father. He could be anxious about having so much responsibility, including financial reasons. He could be worried that you will put all your attention on the baby and not on him and he will no longer get your attention. His mind could be elsewhere entirely and it has nothing to do with his attraction to you. He may be too embarrassed to talk about this with you. Talk to him, reason with him calmly, and let it go. Give him time and space. Don't make him resent you and try to look at it from his perspective. Keep the sexual environment friendly and appealing. Hopefully he will come around. Maybe you've been talking about the baby too much or something else that turns him off. Don't expect answers right away or at all. He will talk to you when he is ready especially when he knows you are interested in this and him.

Bless your heart so much so quickly. Stress of being a new wife and being married and having a child, is a lot to think about. Men take on a role of not just one figure, but now another AND you to. We all have a hard time communicating with one another and its never easy when change has happened so fast especially in the beginning. You both have a lot to learn and share, change, except. One step at a time though. What your feeling is normal and the same for him. Something I learned is cool, steady and calm. Emotion rise and then they fall, so think of cool, steady and calm before you decide to do anything. You can do it. Takes practice. Start with a letter, write it all down how you feel and give it too him and wait. That way your not coming at him like a crazed woman, which we all can do sometimes. Sometimes it easier on paper and you can think clearly. Give him time let him come to you. Try not to push the subjects it just makes it worse. Be calm, steady and cool. Emotion will get the best of us if we let it. Remember marriage can not build up over night.Think of five points on a star and each point represents love,communication,time,patience and sacrifice. When they come together they will shine brightly over you two. Remember he is going through a lot just like you are and you just need to talk about it. The time will come when it suppose to. Just get up each day and do things that make you happy, share peace in your heart by showing your husband you love him no matter what. Patience will be the key that unlocks the door.

I feel for you. Take a breath. Your hubby is probably SO caught up in the "idea" of hurting you or the baby. When I was pregnant, my husband was the same way. I was really upset and feeling like a cow and he finally was able to put it in to words. Needless to say I still wan't thrilled but there was a lot more physical-ness to ur time together. More hand holding cuddling things like that. Try asking him if he's scared and then find a compromise that you both feel good about.

If you are having trouble talking it out...try writing a letter or an email. This way you can plan out what you are going to say/write with time and thought.

I know it sounds crazy. My husband and I spent the first 1 we were dating long distance. Even know 9 years later we use email as a way to really get our point across when we are both frustrated or unable to put our feelings into words.

It just might really work until you can talk through things.

I can tell you from my own personal experience, you husband is probably nervous to have sex because you are pregnant. He is just to nervous or embaressed to tell you. I got pregnant on my honeymoon and sex was pretty nonexistant after we found out we were pregnant. It wasn't that he found me unattractive, but was afraid of "messing up the baby" or doing something that would hurt it. Just give it time, maybe ask him if he is nervous about it or even bring up the subject of safety of sex during pregnancy during your next ob visit. I know how hard this is, but TRUST ME, this is the eastiest thing you and your new hubbby will deal with in the next 6 months. Hang in there!

L.,
I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I'm sure that you are an emotional wreck with so many new adjustments in your life. If I were you, I would sit down with your husband and share your feelings. You will also have to listen to his as well, which could be painful. After you all have talked, plan a surprise romantic evening either at home or away (if finances permit.) Get out your china, fix a nice dinner, turn on some nice music, etc... This is hopefully just a set back - don't give up on your marriage quite yet - it's only been a few months and you are both adjusting to new situations and with the world the way it is right now, well that adds even more stress and pressure. Hang in there and keep us posted.