L.C. asks from Houston, TX on December 08, 2008
Thanks for your advice.
So What Happened?™
Thank you all for the wonderful advice. It is so nice to hear wisdom from such wonderful women. I may have posted this a little soon...because yesterday when I got home...after a long talk and a long night :-) everything is back on track. He talked and I listened and we are back on track. I have a much better understanding of my husband now. He is a wonderful man and I am truly blessed. :-)
C.P. answers from Houston on December 09, 2008
This advice may sound too easy, but talk about it. Sit down with him and let him know everything that has been bothering you, and things should get better, at least you should get some answers. This works great for my husband and myself, communication is the key! Good luck!
R.L. answers from Houston on December 08, 2008
Getting married is a huge life changing event, as well as having a baby. 2 life changing events so close together is enough to make anyone stressed. Yes you are going through hormone changes that will make you weepy and tired and maybe even frustrated. Is it possible that he's afraid of hurting the baby? A lot of dads to be have this fear that having sex while their wife is pregnant can be dangerous to the baby. If that is the case bring him to one of your OB appointments so your OB can explain that it's really OK. It may be that he is getting used to being husband and father to be. Is he under any stress at work lately? Stress can be a big damper on your sex life.
I would suggest sitting down and talking to him about this issue calmly. If neither of you can communicate on this issue alone, then I would seriously recommend counseling if you want to save you marriage. This is a huge issue that is not going to go away on it's own. Once you are able to work through this your relationship will be stronger than ever. A good marriage takes a lot of work, so hang in there I'm sure you will get past this bump in the road.
2 moms found this helpful
K.R. answers from San Antonio on December 09, 2008
Congratulations on your marriage and on your pregnancy ! You have had 2 life changing events in a short time, just like my daughter. There are so many new situations in your life, you need to take a step back, take time to digest them one by one and make time for your relationship with your husband by going out on a date once a week. Go to a movie, dinner, whatever you both agree on and then it might be easier to talk naturally...leading to the closeness you want. The most important time is for the 2 of you to take time to invest in your partnership, because soon you will have the responsibilities of a baby. Yes you have hormones, welcome to the women's club. Men don't have them so get the support from your female family and friends. The best piece of advice I ever got in life was: "act, don't react". When any exchange with you and another person that is shocking or uneasy happens, take a step back and don't react so you have time to study the elements involved. Study the person/situation by prayer/meditation and then respond.
I never understood this until recently and it has saved me a lot of grief. I used to find myself reacting to my husband, and we would get into a disagreement and confusion. MEN AND WOMEN ARE DIFFERENT AND THINK SOOOOOO DIFFERENTLY. Now I realize this is by Intelligent Design, but the point is how to compliment and appreciate each other, and share heartistically. Rome was not built in a day and relationships take time to build up. And yes, marriage or anything worthwhile takes WORK. Take care of yourself, too.
Blessings to you and your new family,
2 moms found this helpful
S.P. answers from Beaumont on December 09, 2008
Were you pregnant before you got married? Are you showing? Some men have issues with sex when their partner is pregnant,especially when they start to show. It's like they feel they would hurt the baby or they can't reconcile this pregnant woman, the mother carrying their child, with the woman they make love to. It is probably not related at all to how he feels about you. Some men just cannot feel aroused by their wives' pregnant body, they feel too protective of it. Keep in mind that your weight gain does not mean you are getting fat...you are growing a life, and your hormones are likely running wild. Not talking to your hubby won't solve it. You need to sit and listen, really listen, to what he has to say, without getting judgemental or hurt. I understand your frustration, and I hope it gets better. Does your hubby have a good, married guy friend he can talk to?
1 mom found this helpful
M.F. answers from Houston on December 09, 2008
A lot of men are nervous about having sex during pregnancy... mine included. So ironic how we can be the horniest when they are the most cautious... Uggh. Try to always think big picture, but I understand you!!
M.B. answers from Houston on December 09, 2008
Hi L. -- please read Hot Monogamy -- it was SOOOO helpful to me as the "low sex drive" partner in my relationship, and it would be equally helpful to the person on the other side of the coin -- ideally both folks should read it or listen to the tapes together, but my honey was so upset by the time I got the tapes that I just listened on my own and applied the advice as best I could to my side of the bed, and it still helped a lot! The author's name is Pat Love, and the biggest point she makes is that no two people are going to want sex equally much -- all sex drives are different, just as levels of neatness, ratios of spending to saving, and ideas of how much time to spend on vacation every year will naturally be things couples have to compromise on. When I can get *up* to once a week, that is a bonanza for us. I wish you all the best -- I know it is hard for you, and I know from experience it is hard for your husband too - the anger of someone who thinks they are being rejected in such an intimate way is definitely painful and scary to be on the receiving end of!
D.M. answers from Austin on December 09, 2008
I think that your husband might have a fear of hurting the baby thats coming, sometimes this happens, its not anything about you, My husband did this and weirdly the bigger my belly showed with the baby the sexier I was to him, also after he heard with his own ears from the dr. that if he was gentle it was fine then everything was fine. A baby and a new marriage is a lot to adjust to, Your new husband is now a husband and soon to be father, My husband seemed a little stressed, but very happy with the pregnancy news, he was thinking about the future expense of cribs, formula and diapers in his head I think as well as how our relationship was going to change permanently once my kids were born. Which our relationship has changed the moment the kids were born. When its now just you, your husband and romance, the kids needs become the forfront especially the first 2 years because they are most dependent on everything done for them. Really talk and dream to look ahead of what life looks like after your baby is born with your husband, so he can open up his thoughts and adjust. Also I think take a lot of date time while you are pregnant to grow closer as a couple. Go out to do your favorite things together to focus on each other, Once the child is born there is a distraction from each other, its a good feeling to have a family it just changes the focus on just each other. Keeping your relationship strong is very important, as you will need his helping hands, and emotional support on those late nights and adjustment to motherhood. Best wishes
H.H. answers from Houston on December 09, 2008
I don't know if this will help you, but many many men do not want to have sex while their wife is pregnant. My husband was like this with our first pregnancy. It had nothing to do with weight gain. In fact, it began when we had the 20 week ultrasound and he saw the baby looking like a real baby! From that point on, it was just odd to him to try and have sex with me while his son was in my uterus! He was also afraid of hurting me and the baby. After seeing me go through completely natural, med free labor, I think he was convinced that he would not hurt me, so with our second pregnancy things changed! it was just unchartered territory before.
Perhaps you can have a calm talk with him and tell him how you are feeling. Men are affected by pregnancy too. And if y'all are newlyweds AND pregnant, he may be feeling a lot of pressure as provider. This is something that strongly affects men. When I became a SAHM, my husband was very stressed in the role of sole provider. It took a few months for him to adjust. This could be an issue for your husband, too. Even if he isn't sole provider, he will soon be provider for a wife AND baby. Men are profoundly affected by changes in their lives like this. Talk to him and see if this is your issue.
****ETA Please please do not take to heart what the man below said. You are not an awful, pregnant, mean, unloving woman right now! Don't worry about being the "good little girl" - that is demeaning and not your problem at all. I hate that he popped on here to tell poor pregnant you that! So sorry you had to read that. Do not think your "moods" have turned your husband off of sex. I'm sure, like all the women here have said, that it is just scary for him how life is changing and hurting you and what not. It is not your hormones and moods that are turning him off, honey. IGNORE the man!
***ETA again, I guess the man took his response off. So ignore the rest of what i said! Maybe he realized he was wrong.
J.H. answers from Houston on December 09, 2008
That can happen. Some men don't want to say it but they arn't attracted to pregnant women. That is not ment to be hurtful just the way they feel. It also doesn't mean that they don't love us, they just feel funny having sex with someone with a baby inside. All of this my husband and I ahve talked about. I am not hurt...I just have to understand where he is coming from. I would just see if there are other ways that you can get your needs filled by him that he is comfortable with and start with that...who knows what that would lead too. Also know, that when we are pregnant EVERYTHING gets bigger than it is and we are even more sensitive. Hang in there and just work on loving him no matter what...sex or not! Hope that helps...