Reliving an Old Relationship.....

Reason, Season, or Lifetime

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
When you figure out which one it is,
you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON,
it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty;
to provide you with guidance and support;
to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend, and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON,
because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person,
and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

— Unknown

I think closure for you has to be that your first love was for a season. Also he has the advantage of being sort of a fantasy. You can dwell on the positive and imagine what a wonderul life you would have. But it doesn't have the ups and downs and everyday tedious things that come with real life. Don't let your heart be fooled by the tricks your mind is playing. Counseling may be needed if none of our words or suggestions help. You can present it to your fiance as wanting to be the best you can be for your relationship or life coaching.

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Stop feeling guilty! As long as you are not taking steps to find him and meet with him, as long as it's just in your mind, your memories, it's okay. It's all in how you are framing it. You can't take a scoop and remove those memories from your brain and keep them from being triggered. Just tell yourself that what you are thinking about is not necessarily that guy. IT COULD HAVE BEEN ANY GUY! Take the focus off his name and face. It's just the feelings of it, the way you opened up in a relationship, the experience, and how it made you feel that you will never forget. It's not all about that first boyfriend, you give him too much credit. It's about the experience, the newness of those feelings. When the thoughts come up, Appreciate that that first relationship was a positive one, and be thankful for it since that is what set you on the right path to where you are now, with the one you love!

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When a thought about your old boyfriend enters your head, tell yourself - No, I'm not going to think about this right now and go do something - vacuum, paint a room, clean a closet. Push the thoughts out of your head every time consistently for 2 months. It's a fantasy but your mind is blowing it out of proportion. At the same time, work on replacement fantasies about your fiancee. Picture your wedding day, picture taking your daughter somewhere together and being a loving couple, picture anything and everything about your fiancee that you find appealing - his smile, the way he looks dressed up, how he plays with your daughter, the day you had the baby - any loving memories you have with him and daydreams of your future. Don't let a fantasy get in the way of a happy future. Good luck!

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How very sad for your fiancé and your baby. You need to get over it--you were 15, for goodness sake.

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I recently reconnected with my first love. I found out that he had been carrying my picture around with him for the past 15 years, and that I was always his "one that got away". After spending some time together it became clear that although we still have love for each other, and are good friends, the woman he was "in love" with did not exists. He was in love with the woman he imagined I grew up to be. Chances are this guy is not the man you remember, or that you think he grew into.

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first realize that the two of you broke it off and went your separate ways for a reason. You might not clearly recall what it was - but there was a reason. Memories are always nicer than reality. Chances are he's either a jerk, a player, a momma's boy, etc.

A good marriage counselor will tell you to get rid of stuff from any old relationships. Once you get married (and you're on your way since you're engaged) it's time to discard the old and two become one - not one with baggage from old relationships...

I held on to this fantasy memory of an old high school-on-and-off-into- college relationship that I had years ago and I had no intnetion of ever connecting with him. But when he friended me and other school friends and I began seeing his postings on facebook the reason we never continued the relationship all flooded back - he was a player then - and at age 51 he still is. I guess he's a nice enough guy, but he refuses to commit even to his live-in girlfriend of 10+ years. What a jerk!

So try to paint your memories with some accuracy - there are very few princes out there - and your current guy is probably the best one yet.

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It's our nature to love and nurture....we love with passion and unconditionally.
I wouldn't feel guilty about it unless you are pursuing on trying to find him. I had two boyfriends that I hold dear to my heart from school...my childhood boyfriend from Grade school and then actually dated in HS and my "first time" boyfriend who broke my heart. My first time bf is the one that I think about from time to time and wonder. But I never want to see him ever again. I keep telling myself there is no reason to wonder because I am in a better place now and I try to remember the reason why we didn't make it. My childhood BF - I still stay in contact with because we are actually great friends.
Anyway there is always going to be a "special" person in our lives that we will think about that we hold dear to our heart. I'm sure your fiance has a special person that he doesn't talk to you about either. They are just thoughts and not actions. You have your own family now and you are happy with what you have. I wouldn't fret over it.

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You could heat things up with your fiance of 5 years by actually getting married. Make some plans if you can afford it / if it is fun, but if you can't afford it, a visit to the local Justice of the Peace doesn't have to be expensive.
The thing with past/first loves is - a lot of the time you are in love with the idea of being in love. You build up this larger than life fantasy that bears little resemblance to the actual object of your obsession
- and how can real day in/day out life compare to that fantasy?
Perhaps some couples counseling might help.
It seems like there's a little fear of commitment to your current relationship has you reviewing a past relationship.
A little case of cold feet is common, but if you look at all you have together with your fiance, you can see your future is very bright and worth keeping.
Every marriage has it's ups and downs and the period when there are little kids to deal with can be stressful on the happiest marriage.
Don't discount the possibility of baby blues, either.
Hormonal changes can throw you off for sometimes over a year after your baby is born.

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I think your first love stays with you no matter what happened. A little part of you will always love him. It sounds like you are obsessing about him though, and may need some help to get over that. Think back clearly about why you broke up, and whether this old love could provide you with whatever it is that you need in a relationship :excitement, stability, long walks in nature, whatever it is he must not have been providing it or you would be with him now. My first boyfriend did not provide fidelity, he cheated on me, so while I loved him with all my heart at the time (since it was my first love I really did give him all my heart and had no cynicism yet to hold back any part of me) he did not love me back enough to not cheat on me. I think girls when they first fall in love often will do anything to spend time with their guy to the point of giving up our own interests to be with him. Speaking for myself, I went with my first love to the most hideous garage band performances but not once did he come with me to a ballet - but at the time I never thought that was odd. Now that I am 50 and know myself better, I presented myself very differently when I met my husband - very honest but also confident that I wanted to do the things I wanted to do and if he did not I would do them alone. We have been married for 22 years and I could not imagine my life without him and our 2 girls. That does not mean that sometimes something reminds me of my first love and I can recall that feeling of being totally addicted-in-love with him, but my instant next thought is that we both did the best we knew how at the time, and I am so lucky I caught him in his lies and in the process found more of myself. Good luck with letting go, I think an honest assessment is in order.

1 mom found this helpful

I know how you feel and i feel guilty about it because my DH is great, but the other love was like no other. I try not to dwell on it because it isnt fair to DH and my kids. I try to push it out of my head and think how i could never hurt DH by following through, so why fantasize? It is a difficult spot to be in, but youre not alone.

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Take extra steps to add new spark to your relationship now with your fiance. When the grass seems greener on the other side, then I try to see how I can water my own lawn.

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Don't live in the past.
Go forward in the present.
It is never as you imagined or remember.
Trust me I know.
It's funny. It's takes certain things to really realize this.
I moved on to a very happy life w/someone new....got married, had a baby.
GO FORWARD. You'll love it.

I am sorry, but we never stop thinking of our first loves....I have not seen mine in 26 years and still think of him. But your thoughts of him as the years go by, will change. Just like your youth, it will eventually become a sweet distant memory. W.

Try thinking of some of the bad with this ex. There is obviously a reason you are not still together so think about that. You are thinking of the good memories, which are nice to have, but shouldn't monopolize your current life.

Next focus on the positive with your fiance and be grateful for having him in your daily life. Think of all that he does for you and your child and the daily sacrifices he probably makes to be a good fiance and father.

Hi, A.:

What was it about the first love that is not happening in this relationship?

Just want to know.
D.

Not everyday, but I do have those thoughts from time to time. On average at least once a week. I wonder is it fair to my husband. He is a much better person and I love him so much, but these thoughts run though my head. I thought was the only one. I have no advise for you but your not alone.

If you are beginning an honest open trustworthy relationship with your fiance now, I suggest you mention it to him. Let him know that you used to date this guy albeit when young and immature supposedly and you had a crush on him and still think about him. Emphasize to your new fiance that you love him and he is the one for you, but want to know if he would mind if you keep in contact with him for friendship sake. Nothing wrong in being friends. If you have other intentions, then I would not bring this up and I would dismiss your past relationship and let it go. If there is a void in your current relationship, address that, but don't keep this going mentally. If you sneak around and get involved with this past person, your new one will not trust you anymore and nothing you could say afterwards could convince him you do not have something going on, so as hard as it is, mention it to your fiance so he knows. What you say about him is up to you. If your fiance is not mature enough to accept you had previous relationships and friends, then he might not be material for marrying after all.