Religion Wars W/ex

Absolutely you should tell your son's dad that you are going to church and that you will raise him catholic and have him baptized.

Even though you are the "primary" caregiver, it sounds from your post like his dad is (at least semi-) involved in his life.

Would you want him to take his son somewhere every time they were together and teach him something and not even tell you about it?

This isn't about your 'marriage'.... it's about HIS SON. So, the fact that you aren't married any longer is irrelevant. You are co-parenting. Yes, he should be invited to EVERY SINGLE event that involvs his son... the son that you are raising together even though you aren't married and your son lives with you most of the time.

For the record, the fact that he isn't religious might make him MORE apt to denounce the Catholic Church and all the sacraments that go with it. You don't have to believe in one specific religion to dislike another religion. You can be non-religious and still have beliefs about all or specific religions.

Also, the basis of religion is not treating each other with respect. That's the basis of HUMANITY. Religion is about following the teaching of that specific religious leader and doctrine. In your case, Catholicism is the teaching of the sacraments, behaviors and sacrifices based on the leadership of the Catholic Church and the Vatican.

What you will have to decide is if you will be the bigger parent. Will you tell your son his Dad is WRONG since he doesn't believe? Or will you coach your son to have tolerance to accept that other people can have differing viewpoints on many different subjects. How will you help your son handle it when the activities with his dad contradict a religious dictate.... ie during lent when your son's dad serves him meat on Friday? How will you help you son grow up with parents who have two different religious ideologies (NEITHER OF WHICH ARE WRONG).

You can't make your ex-husband and the father of your son be respectful of your views. But you can lead by example and be respectful of his. You could start out with, "I understand that you are not Catholic, but Johnny and I have been going to Church. I feel like this will enrich his life". You can also not argue with him. If he starts being disrespectful, simply say that you aren't going listen if he is yelling, but you're willing to listen to his views if he will speak to you like an adult.

Good Luck

People are often not religious because they don't like religion in general, or a specific religion / sect.

Can't speak from the divorce standpoint, but I would think of it like this just for general understanding:

Is there any religion you ABHORE? Most christians rather hate Satanism... so if that makes the list, choose that one (or a different one). If your ex started bringing your son to Satanic services and wanted him brought up in that religion... how would you handle it?

Now, also think of a religion you just don't believe in. Not one that turns your stomach, but just one that is completely and totally different from what you believe. Say Hindu. Polytheistic v Monotheistic. Or pick something else. How would you handle things if your ex started bringing your son up in that religion?

Obviously, you and your ex are 2 very different people... so you'd handle things differently... but it's a good starting off point: the whole Shoe on the Other Foot.

You may not be able to avoid fighting, and he may never be respectful of your views. He may be perfectly fine with things. So start off by thinking how you yourself would want to be approached (or not) concerning both possibilities: 1) A religion you HATE and would never want your child a part of, and 2) A religion different from your own.

I have to give credit to Wickerparkgirl as well:

"This isn't about your 'marriage'.... it's about HIS SON. So, the fact that you aren't married any longer is irrelevant. You are co-parenting. Yes, he should be invited to EVERY SINGLE event that involvs his son... the son that you are raising together even though you aren't married and your son lives with you most of the time".

I thought that very few of us believed and lived by this!! It will be so much of a benefit to make decisions together and to really co-parent. Your son is only six, there are so many more stages to go through and I know you have been through a lot with your little guy. So yes I think you should tell your ex to are taking him to church and your son can determine if that's how he would like to go.

I am non-religious (so is my ex). But, if my ex told me he was having our daughter baptized in any faith, I would be concerned. I would want to hear that he was not going to be pushing any religion to the extreme. I would want to hear that he was going to be teaching tolerance and respect for all beliefs/lack of beliefs. I would want his commitment to allow her to choose her own religious/non-religious path at a certain age (agreed upon between us). I would want him to agree that I could present/teach/include her in any differing religous/spiritual/atheist beliefs that I am actively practicing.

Since you are co-parenting (no matter what your divorce papers say), and you see the value in continuing that, then don't make any proclamations, major decisions, or spring any surprises on Dad without having a grown-up, non-judging, conversation first. This would apply to religion, medical care, education, and any other major aspect of your child's life.

Has your son decided to be baptized - or is this your decision?
You can take your son to church, but it should be his own decision about baptismal, his own profession of faith!

@E. - I know babies are baptized at birth in the Catholic religion - my bff was raised in that faith and I have attended church with her as well as other things with family/friends. (I'm not Catholic tho) My bff allowed her children to go to other services with their friends - so they would have a more broad view of religion. (It seems odd to me to baptize babies - they are still innocents!)

There are different ways to "live" and practice religion. Tell him you just aim at giving your son a religious identity without taking it to an extreme. The basic values of Catholicism (and other Christian and even non-Christian religions) are good IN GENERAL for people. Reassure him you are not turning him into a bigot or trying to brainwash him in any way.

DO you have joint custody? Meaning you both make decisions on religion.
My ex and i have joint custody on this issue. Niether one of us can baptise our children in a religion without the consent of the other. We could not come to an agreement in mediation on it and were told if one of us really wants to do it we need to go to court and let a judge decide what to do for our child.
HTH
ADDED: We are able to take our children to what ever church we want to durring our parenting time.

When I divorced in 1989, choice of religion was granted to the parent with custody. It was standard, unless we wanted to opt for something else. He could also introduce his daughter to another religion. At 18 years of age, all parental rights over this decision are null and void anyway.

So, can you check the fine print in your divorce docs or visitation agreement and see if there is any legalize to help you with future smooth communications? I would recommend to say nothing at all unless your ex brings it up. If he's already not religious, chances are your son will not be discussing it with him anyhow???

E.:

I would be respectful and tell my ex that we have been attending church and I have been moved to baptize our child in the Catholic faith.

It would help to know why he is so frightened (is that the best word?) of religion. If he had a bad experience or was raised in an extreme religion, it might make sense as to why he is so anti-religion.

If you are the custodial parent, I would tell him what I was doing. Not seek his approval. However, I would NOT do it behind his back.

Don't turn it into a battle. Just tell him what you are going to do.

I would just decide to have a discussion with him and let him know ahead of time that you don't want it to turn into a big argument, but you've given it a lot of thought, you feel you son will benefit, and this is what you are doing. Otherwise he may hear it from his son first, or someone else, rather than you, and that may upset him more than just the fact that this is what you have decided to do. Let him know at a time when your son is not around, so if it does become heated, at least he doesn't have to be aware of it. But don't get in the habit of leaving him out of the loop just to avoid an argument. My husband's ex started doing that and it bothered DH even more that she couldn't be bothered to talk with him about their sons' school, grades, etc. (and said she "wanted him involved" but in the end really only cared that she got the child support and he still took them every weekend).

Let him say what he wants to say, he has a right to his feelings too, but he also needs to be specific as to what his objections are. Is he really opposed to just Catholicism, is he opposed to ANY religion, or is he just not that religious himself? There's ANTI-religion, and there is just NOT PRO-religion. And some people are just "whatever". Let him know you understand his concerns, but you already have your valid reasons for doing this and he can choose to participate when he can or not. In the end, you do have the right to do this - it's not as if he is Muslim or Jewish and you are deciding to raise your son Catholic. So hopefully it won't bother him that badly, or at least, he won't have much of an argument.

Good luck to you...

In your discussion with your son's dad, you may want to include some words around not expecting him to participate or espouse the Catholic religion. Acknowledge that, although you are Catholic and hope to raise your son in that faith, you recognize it's not HIS faith and you don't expect him to, for instance, take your son to Mass or whatever. And, just as you don't feel he should have to be a part-time Catholic when your son is around, you'd appreciate it if he didn't belittle or badmouth your religion to your boy. He doesn't have to participate, but he shouldn't denigrate either.

Emphasize that you're not choosing this for him, but for you and to give your son a framework, so he can make an informed choice for himself as an adult.

How is your parish priest or director of religious ed? I'm sure they've run into this type of issue before. They may have words of advice for you as a way to get this across to you ex without him getting defensive.

Good luck. As a mom who also stepped away from the church as a younger person and then came back again, welcome home.

So many other Christian churches believe that the sort of Baptism done by the Catholics is not a proper baptism and that is the only reason I could imagine him not wanting it done. I would sit down and talk to him and tell him the words you wrote below. See how it goes. He may tell you why he is so adamant.

In the 3rd chapter of John, Baptism is discussed and 99% of all religions believe that if the person is not submerged in the water at an age where they are able to decide they want it, then it is not a true Baptism. I think it is all symbolic anyway and that in the end He will be the judge of what we did or did not do.

I would think that your son has probably said something to your ex about going to church...in one of their conversations....so this is probably not a big surprise to him.
I think I would be tempted to ask him if he would like to come along to the baptism since it is an important day in his sons' life. We have had several ex spouses who have come to our church ( the latest on Christmas day with our Pastors' step grandson was baptised.) to witness their childs' baptism.
If you don't act like you expect a fight about this...and present it positively...then I would hope that your ex would see that it is an important milestone in his sons' life and want to participate.

Chances are your ex knows that he is going to church every week. Your
son, by now, must have said something. So I would think that wanting to
baptize him will not come as a big surprise. I would just tell him that you are
having him baptized rather than asking him. Hopefully, you can have an
adult conversation about this. Good luck.

My sks have a different religion with each parent. With my DD, I expressed that I was going to raise her with my religion because to ignore that I have one with my own child was silly. It's actually been an education for me, too, because I have to think about what I'm teaching my child and what do I really believe?

I do think that you should be able to expose your child to your religion and allow him, if he wants to, to go through the rites that young people do - first communion, joining the church, baptism, etc. I like the suggestion to address it as a point of care and concern for that child. If he disagrees, but your son wants to be baptised, then fight that fight if it happens. It may just be that he wants to be respected in turn. You are not asking ex to be Catholic. You are asking him to respect your choice for your child.

It may be one of those things that you say, "Our son has decided to be baptised. I recognize that you do not share the same beliefs, but 1. I wanted you to be informed about our child and 2. he would like your support and attendance at the service." And then see if the ex comes. I would also give the kid a head's up that Dad may not be happy, but that Son should follow his heart. Perhaps also suggest that he pray for Dad to have an open heart and be able to accept his son's choice.

We expose the sks to different religions and expect to do the same with DD. She already has friends who celebrate different holidays than we do, which gives us a chance to talk about different religions. The sks also respect that I attend church with their sister and don't tease her about it (they did once tease their stepsister and I asked why they couldn't give her a break - what harm was it for her to pray?). At the end of the day, their heart is between them and God.

I know families where they fight so much the priest can't keep track of what weekend he can schedule the child to be an acolyte and it's just pathetic. Hopefully it won't come to that. I think if you laid it out respectfully it won't. And, frankly, if you wanted to raise him Catholic before you divorced, if I ware your ex, I would not be surprised that you were now attending church.

My take on this situation is this...if your co-parent is NOT practicing any "formal religion" and you are feeling tugged to take him to church, raise him in the Catholic church, then by all means, take him and claim him for God.

As his parent, it is your responsibility to do so. In actuality, it is the responsibility of the father to bring his children to God, and if the father is not doing that, then the responsibility falls on the mother. This is clearly stated in the bible. Your child needs to follow the directions of his mother, just as you are following the directions of your Father.

As far as what Sue W. had to say " I would want his commitment to allow her to choose her own religious/non-religious path at a certain age (agreed upon between us). I would want him to agree that I could present/teach/include her in any differing religous/spiritual/atheist beliefs that I am actively practicing.", I don't think this is possible FOR ME when it comes to allowing my child to be raised with differing religious/spiritual/atheist beliefs. I simply don't want my kids raised that way and if my child's father tried to do that, I would have deep issues with it. I also would not allow my child at "a certain age" to decide whether or not he/she needs to go to the doctor and I would also not allow them to decide before gettting out of high school whether or not they need to attend church/formal bible teaching. I am responsibile for my child's present health and life AND their afterlife! (as much as I can be!)

My husband was raised Catholic, I was not raised in any particular church. As an adult, I am solid in my beliefs, and my beliefs are solidly out of the bible and any belief that does not come directly from the bible, I do not adhere to. If a "religion" has certain beliefs, it is simply my opinion that they are misdirected, however good or thoughtful they may appear to be. This is something that as my child's sole teacher in the home, I will not nor do I ever waver on. And I always back it up with scripture, a lot of scripture.

As far as baptizing him, I chose baptism for myself at age 21.

I wouldn't speak to him about this at all. It doesn't involve him. It is about your son. Since you are taking your son to church, you are the one handling his religious education.

I wouldn't talk about the baptism before he goes to his dad's. After that, tell your son when he is being baptised. If you don't make a big deal about it, he won't make a big deal out of it to his dad.

When you two divorced, he lost the right to tell you that he didn't want your son to be raised Catholic. You have a right to change your mind since you have started going back to church. If he yells at you, you should hang up the phone.

You can't make him be respectful, but you don't have to pay attention to his ugliness. Ignore him.

Dawn

if you opened it up to your son and asked how he feels, then you could take it to your ex as, "johnny really wants to do this" maybe that would help? if it felt like it was coming from your son, not YOU so much. does dad know that you take him to church? (i am sure he does) then it may not be such a huge shock to him that he wants to be baptized. good luck!