Relationship with My Mom Is Draining Me . . .

Hi, C.! :)
I just read your request and for some reason (maybe the Holy Spirit??) felt I should share my 2 cents. ;) I'm 37 and am married and have 3 children, ages 15, 2 and 8 months.

My mother and I always had a strained relationship, so I can empathize w/you on that. She was a great mother, and self-sacrificing to a fault (which wasn't the best example for me or my brothers either),but there was always tension between us (from what I understand, this happens with most mother/daughter relationships anyway). She always had an opinion on everything (from who I was dating, to how I was raising my son) and I was always made to feel guilty if I didn't do things "her way".

But, I have to tell you this. I miss her more than words can express. She died of cancer within 4 months of being diagnosed, at age 56. My heart has been broken for the entire 7 yrs. she's been gone. I never realized just how much she meant to me until it was too late. I'd gladly put up with her stuff, if I could just have her back. I'd put more emphasis on working on our relationship instead of complaining like I did and wishing things were different. I'd see what I could do to make things better on my part. I wish she could have been here for the births of my only daughter who's 2 now and my precious little boy who just turned 8 months, who looks a lot like my mom...

My point is this...please, please do anything you can to save your relationship with your mother. That doesn't mean giving in to "her way". But talk to her lovingly, telling her you value her opinion as your mother, but you are a mother now and it's up to you ultimately to make the right decisions for your children.

As far as the visits go, you could tell your mom you'd love for her to stop by on a planned visit sometime, so she can spend time with your daughter. You're right...it's not "her right" to see her granddaughter, but it's in your daughter's best interest to have a relationship with her. You don't want her to sense a strained relationship, or she will naturally not trust her (may be the reason she cries when she's around her). Children are highly sensitive to parents' emotions. So far, your daughter doesn't know all that you do about your mother. She just knows what she sees in you when she's around. If you see over time that your mother is influencing her in a negative way (like, does she act-out after a visit), then obviously things need to change.
You have every right to refuse your daughter to stay w/your mom and step-dad if you do not feel this is in your little girl's best interest (sounds like the step-grandad is the worst problem there). However, when the visits are at your house, it's on "your turf", so you can control the environment. ;) If your mom can't drop by during the week, what about on the weekends?? You might suggest a Sat. or Sun. afternoon visit, but tell her you have plans that night (even if it's just your own family night at home), so she'll know there's a time limit.

I really hope and pray things can be worked out. Because, I can 100% promise you this. You will miss her terribly once she's gone. I just don't want anyone to go through the coulda-shoulda-woulda that I go through in my mind since my mom has been gone. I wish I could have told her I loved her more (that hardly ever happened). I wish I could tell her how much I appreciated the good things she did for me. Focus on the positive and pray about the negative. The Lord wants you two to have a wonderful relationship and only He can heal the hurts and make it better than you could have imagined. Place it in His hands and watch what happens. :)

Best wishes to you, my dear sister in Christ.
A.

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C. in no way do I want to make light of how you feel. I certainly will not give you the advice that others gave me "you are grown now get over it." Because I never appreciated or received that advice.

But I will say this -- I was exactly as you are. Had the exact issues with my mom and step dad. I tried until I was tried out. Finally I was over it and refused to try any more. Then one night I got a call that my mom had died. She wasn't sick, it wasn't expected except that it is natural part of life. Now that my daughter is 4 and all the other little girls have their nanas and memaws -- I wish that I could tell her better things about her grandmother. And although I will not allow myself guilt concerning my mother -- I can't help but wonder what else could we have done? Was counseling an option, was establishing a relationship ruler of the do's and don'ts possible.

I can't lie, I felt just as you do but I can honestly say that I would rather have my mom here working my last nerve than not having her at all.

Just something to think about. Again, who knows - you may be able to make it work and then again you may not but the trying in spite of her will only make you better for it.

Good luck and to thine own self be true.

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One thing to remember C....this is your life now and you do not have to keep wearing the dirty coat she puts on you, so to speak. She can only rain on your parade if you let her. Easier said than done, huh? Manipulation is what she uses, and you are allowing it. Nope, time out. She guilts you because she is guilty and can't see it. Whatever she throws on you is a problem she needs to address herself.
You can only fix your own problems, and that's if you recognize it and are willing to do it. So..until she changes her tune and can treat you decently whether she likes how you rear your daughter or not, etc., you hold all the cards here my dear...You do not have to be a hostage and continue to feel badly about yourself. Get away from the guilt manipulation, unless you like being on the other end of it.
Obviously you don't, are you sure??

I know that we all want to have a wonderfully supporting mom, but when we don't have that and it's "possible" to work things out with her then by all means work towards that goal. If after hard work on both sides it isn't moving along then you need to make a decision whether to continue or not. IF she does not see the benefit for you both working diligently at this then what is your payoff for continuing. You can accept what she has to offer you, like you have been doing, which is a dirty coat to wear, or you can tell her or write her a Dear John letter that states exactly how you have felt and continue to feel. Don't expect a cordial answer, she is in denial as to your pain, but at least you will be able to get the dirty coat off by taking a mature stand over something that is preventing happiness in your life. You are not a little girl anymore, you are a mature woman, mother and wife? I assume you are married or have a live-in, either way this affects you all.
I'm on your side to make a healthier you, that's the priority here. Your mom has issues that cause her to treat you the way she does and I doubt that it began with you.
Go pray to your Father in Heaven who LOVES YOU JUST AS YOU ARE!! and ask for His help in dealing with this situation in the best way.
Tip: Stay at home and rear your daughter yourself, then she will be who you create with all the love you want her to have and can share which will build her self esteem as you go, making her a very happy little girl and mom someday.
The most important work you will ever do is within the walls of your own home.

Live and Learn

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C.,

It is time for you to sever your relationship with your Mom for a season. I personally would do it until your child is 2 yrs old at least and go from there. The way she treats you is unacceptable. I had this exact thing going on with my Dad and I had to tell him that I don't want to be talked down at and belittled and hear all the negative things he had to say which is really untrue. But you cant concentrate on who's right and wrong right now, you have to do what is best for you and your family. God doesn't tell you how bad you are in fact He tells you the opposite and that's how I based my decision on. God loves you and wants the best for you- God doesn't blame you and put you down- so why should you take that from someone? That's what I would do and did. You have to put down your foot now that you are a Mom and say No to what is wrong and doesn't build you and your family up.

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First of all, no one is entitled to your child. It drives me insane when people treat babies like toys and/or possessions! Second, listen to you child--they have a 6th sense about people that we grown ups lose along the way. If I were you, I'd have a 2nd thought about the letter, as it will probably do more harm than good. However, you do not have to leave your child alone with your mom. Invite her to your home when it's convenient for you--otherwise just ignore the rest. I have similar issues with my in laws and so far, this has worked for me. I'm still hoping they will dissappear into space, though:) Good luck--families are so much work!

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Write the letter-even if you never send it. Sometimes just writing it down releases the emotions. However, I would say that even though she is blaming you, you are both adults and it may be time for that good ole heart to heart. Even if you don't get the result you hope for, you can never say you didn't try. Your daughter may sense the tension and that could be why she is upset around them, too.

I lost my mom when I was 17(she died 2 weeks after she turned 42). I don't know many teenagers that don't have a strained relationship with their parents, so needless to say-we almost always fought. There were so many things I wanted and needed to say and I never took/got the chance. Now that I am 34 and a mother of a 2 1/2 year old, I understand her much more and we actually are more alike than I ever thought. It hurts me everday that I can't ask her advice or that I am having to tell my daughter about Grandma Mary instead of her ever meeting her. I was too scared to have the talk with my mom while she was in the hospital- even though I knew she wasn't ever coming home. Even though I know we both loved each other and that I was only a kid, it is hard to deal with the fact that I didn't take that first step and try. I will never have that chance again, but you do. Like I said, even if it doesn't give you the result you hoped for, you will always know that you tried.

We can't choose our parents. All we can do is love them for the people they are and appreciate that they did the best they could-even if we completely disagree with their choices. If things get worse or don't get any better, than distance yourself if that is what you feel is best for you and your family.

This is obviously weighing on you very heavily and I think your heart knows what to do. Follow your heart and best of luck.

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I think you have gotten some great support from the other moms, so I won't repeat. I will add that I think what our little tiny children often display is what they are feeling - or maybe what you are feeling. There are obviously many unresolved issues between you and your mom. Don't allow your child to become a pawn in that already strained problem, but also don't allow that torch to pass to you and your daughter. Some of the books are tough to get through without some help from a friend or counselor, but I might suggest Codependent no More by Melanie Beetie (sp?) or Getting the love you want, by Harville Hendrix.

Maybe some others in this group have some recommendations on things to read or do to solve the relationship with your mom, so your daughter does not have to have this in her life like you have had to.

Best of luck, and while you are struggling during this happy time, know you are not alone. Many of us struggle with those relationship problems with our first child because it lays a whole new ground rules for every relationship we have. So, hang in there, kiss that beautiful girl, read her a book, and don't answer the phone (after all she is too tired to come over! hee hee).

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That last statement you said (with God all things are possible) is exactly right. And if you truly believe that then you MUST seek HIM for guidance on how to deal with your mother. Since GOD made her HE knows what it takes to make her change. The more you try to figure things out for yourself the more you make yourself frustrated. Pray about it and leave it alone. When your mother insists on seeing your daughter, then just tell her that if she wants to see her then she is more than welcome to come by...and leave it at that. If she tries to tell you to come over her house just tell her that your busy. You have to trust your instints, only YOU know whats really best for your daughter. If your daughter is crying everytime she see's them then thats a red flag. You have to be more concerned with your family (husband, and kids)than your extended family feelings (parents and siblings). Remember,...acknowledge HIM and HE shall direct your path.

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Well, hello, first off.... i have to say I only went through that stage with my mother like,... every five minutes. i think it's just a mother thing. My mother fussed me out because my son wasn't in the bed at 830 on a sschool night. I had to explain to her that he was just getting the last pages of his story read to him and that he would be just fine. I had to tell her that we say peepee in my household for now, and will introduce private parts soon, all because my son was taking a shower. One thing I will say is I know it may make you feel like you're being criticized and whatnot,but, your mother may mean well. I just have to hold the phone away from my ear when we talk sometimes. Your mother has to realize that she has to back off, she has yet to come to that realization. Set those boundaries and let things be, she'll have to realize that she's driving you crazy soon enough. let her enjoy her grandbaby... Hey! My mom just called me and I was discussing your dilemna with her. She said mom's will always think they know everything, it's one of their best and worst features. Give her time, but, don't let it drain you , your baby will notice and pick up on it. Which I agree with... Tell your mom as best as you can how you feel and leave it alone. Just like you said all things are possible..... ____@____.com

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C.,
My heart goes out to you--I can sooo identify with what you are saying!! I'm now a grandma myself now, but had the same sort of problems with my parents when my children were growing up--especially the first one. I know what you mean when you say that she drains you...

My best advice for you is to put your child and yourself first and follow your instincts. Do what you feel is best for the two of you and let the rest slide...Don't let this relationship drain you--if it takes putting some distance there, then so be it. Best wishes. K.

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Hey C.,

You have gotten some great advice here already. But I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. I swear, I thought you were writing about my mother!!! Emotional zombie! I like that. My sisters will appreciate the term! We all have a strained relationship with our "mother". Two of us have kids. We are very cautious about her having any alone time with them. Trust your Momma instincts. God gave them to you to be a tool to protect your children. Don't second guess yourself. Luckily, my mother is in California so the parading of her "grandbabies" is at a minimal. I think there is something hard wired into certain women to use that word. I have a friend whose mother does the same thing! It's creepy. Good luck, Momma! Just remember your ids are YOURS!!! Not hers. She is not entitled to anything that you don't grace her with.
S.

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I would NOT leave my child with her/them. If she cries whenever they're around and the stepdad has anger issues -NO WAY! It sounds like the relationship is draining and depressing for you. I would have as little to do with them as possible. It happens in families -especially when there have been years of problems from childhood on. Your child will be far better off having no grandparents or distant grandparents than having horrible memories or being emotionally (or God forbid physically) scarred from grandparents. And ask yourself -you're a busy new mom -do you really have time for all of this drama and guilt in your life?

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Worry about your daughter, not your mom. Do what ever you need to keep yourself sane and your daughter happy. If you want your daughter to have a grandma let it be on your terms. Your stress and all the tention you feel is probably upseting your daughter more than anything. You are the center of your little girl's world and her main concern.

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Hi -

Sorry you are going through this. I went through something similiar with my dad after my mom died 7 years ago....Let me just tell you that it is not the end of the world if your kids don't have grandparents...not sure if your in laws are in your life (mine were not) but you have to do what makes your family run smoothly...and trust me, having to deal with family issues will eventually ruin all aspects of your life. I was so stressed out dealing with my dad that my marriage was suffering and it was taking away from the happiness and joy of having a baby...Once I got pregnant with my second, it all had to end or I was going to have a nerveous breakdown. So, I severed ties and haven't spoken to my dad in over 5 years. He hasn't seen his 3 grandchildren and they are better for it. Life is too short! And most likely you won't be able to change your mom so you need to decide just how much you are going to let her affect your life or maybe you just need to cut your ties and focus on your family. Trust me, looking back on this you will be sad that you weren't able to enjoy this time fully. BTW- counseling could help, but only if she is able to own some of these issues, if not, I wouldn't bother...

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I agree with everyone else. You need to do what is best for YOU and YOUR FAMILY. Do not let your Mother blackmail you emotionally. Your baby knows what is right and if she is crying with them, trust her instinct and do not let her stay with them. If your Mother does not like it, too bad! Not your problem!!! Good luck!

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I completely understand the strained relationship with your mother. As for me, I finally just reached a point where I quit worrying about her and started focusing on me and my family. I quit letting her guilt trips effect me. And I told her if she wanted to spend time with my kids, she was welcome at our house at any time. If she couldn't respect me as a mother, then she wasn't welcome. There are just times in life when you have to sever ties to those who hold you down. Enjoy your new life as a mother, don't let YOUR mother take it from you.

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Please put your daughter's mental & physical health FIRST. Sounds like you are trying hard not to make same mistakes your mom made. Being blood relative entitles her to NOTHING!! Best of luck. :-)

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Dear C. R,

Please don't sacrifice your daughter for some odd relationship that your mom desires with you. Children have an excellent sense of right and wrong and unless you've seen your mom and step dad nurturing your daughter I would not discount her response to being in their company.

My advice is to keep the family get together exactly as they should be... The FAMILY gets together. If step dad has a need of an anger management class, his attitude may frighten your daughter and your mother's approach borders on neglect. Children who can't communicate do it through crying.

Parents connect may have some articles on child rearing that may help you and your mom see eye to eye. I would also recommend waiting till your sweet angel can effectively communicate before starting back at work. At this age, sign language would start her off very well.

If you must go back to work... try care.com or sitter city as a mothers' helper that way you can take your little angel with you and still earn income.

God Bless Sweetie,
N. S.

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Uhm. Okay. Here's my two cents. By this time, you must have about $400.00, huh?

In my experience, that is one of the most complicated, frightening, emotionally destructive relationships I can even think of. I have dealt with a whole lot between me and my mom. Stuff that made me seriously wish her the worst kind of harm you could imagine. That went on for many, many years, until it became painfully clear that she was not hurting but I was. I hoped that she would somehow see the error of her ways, but eventually decided that there are people willing to be accountable, and then there are those that are not. My mom is that person.

What makes it particularly painful for you is that you probably want your daughter to know her grandmother, but your pain is standing in the way. So here's something that really helps me. SELF TALK!!! AND A LOT OF IT!!! I tell myself that she will not ever hurt me again like she did when I was a kid. If she tried, I will defend myself. This works well. It infuses me with a power I didn't ever have before.

C., I wish you all the luck in the world. I know it's probably a living hell around your mom.

E.

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If a child cry's everytime it's a sign...don't leave her with them..she doesn't feel safe. As far as moms drama here's a book you want to read so you understand her or buy to give to her it's called "Soon To Be A Major Motion Picture" new direction for life's drama by Donna Partow...Look you are a mom now and life can't always be like a story book living happily ever after and your mom guiding you as another generation has a child....let go over her and her drama, enjoy your little one this time will pass very fast and no one wants the memory of how mom ruined it for everyone. Have faith you are a mom yourself you and your family at your house are first, life is too short to waste anymore time on this tell her when she can visit and if you want her to if not and you want the relationship over from her drama then just tell her you have no time for it and yes you are a bad guy..since she'll say it anyway...then put it in god's hands and enjoy your life with your daughter. Sorry to sound so matter of fact but if sounds like you have no choice and you need someone to confirm it with you.

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C., I know exactly what you are going through with your mom's manipulation, demands, 'opinions', etc. My mom has already burnt the bridge with my sister and my brother. I tolerate a lot more than they do, but I won't allow her to manipulate me. I too know what you mean about the blaming it on you if you speak 'your' mind about matters.

When that time comes and you tell her how you feel and she cries and blames it on you, etc. Be strong and say, "well, I have to go" whether on the phone or in person. You have a responsbility to your family. It doesn't mean that you have to be cruel to your mother, but you can however demand respect and not be around her.

I wish you all the luck!

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Im not sure what you have written in the letter, bu I have to agree with the others. While I am an advocate of letting babies cry it out for me this applies to nap times not leaving them with people they dont wanna be left with. Trust your gut dont leave your baby alone with them. Dont let them manipulate you, you feel the way you do for a reason and while It would be great to forgive them for things in the past that doesnt mean you need to trust them with your child. You're right they have the chance to come over and have supervised visits but they dont its left up to you and then turned into a guilt fest. We had a similar situation with my inlaws, we now live 13 hours away and couldn't be happier. Im not saying thats what you should do and we didnt move just b/c of them but be happy b/c as an adult you dont have to live under their guilt. Thank God your baby has a mom like you b/c she doesnt need to be exposed to all their issues. Pray for them is all you can do that and keep your daughter safe.

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Hey C., first of all, yes with God ALL things ARE possible. I have somewhat of a similar situation too. Well, now my oldest is 3 years old, but things are different now then when she was little. You have to remember that first and foremost, you and your new family come first. You are the mother now, it is your turn to do better than she (isn't that what we all hope for?) You and your husband need to come to an agreement about visiting her and your stepdad. My children are very good at seeing through someone. I know this sounds like a bad analogy, but like dogs can see fear, or a bad person, My kids, especially my daughter was VERY good at this. She loves people, but not everyone. And it is real hard when it ends up being family. PLEASE don't think that I am saying that your mom is "bad" or something!!! I am not, I am just saying that she could be picking up on the tension between the two of you. Maybe visiting with them more would help. Part of it could be just a stage. Even if it is at your house or if you go to their house I would stay with her, I wouldn't drop her off to cry it out.
I wrote my dad a dear John letter and it did not go over well at all!! It kind of made other family members mad at me because after all he has the "right" to see his grandchildren. (whatever) He was into hard core drugs, skipping town and the like, for my whole life. He started making promises to me and my daughter and I told him to stop. Just be there one day at a time, because once he left, that would be it. So anyways...a lot has happened...and he is in a recovery program now and doing so much better. The letter DID in fact help him to "wake up and smell the coffee" even though it was real ugly at first. I have also had to talk to other family members about stuff (which I HATE doing). So I would recommend writing the letter, even if you don't think it will change anything. Let her know where you stand and how you love her BUT your little one is YOUR little one, not hers and your rules come first. Try to fix your relationship on your end. Forgiveness is a process not a quick fix. It is hard and all you can do is fix you and prayerfully she will "wake up too".
Having kids changes everything, doesn't it? Sorry this is so long. My heart went out to you as I was reading you post.

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Hi C.,
I just wanted to offer a bit of a different perspective than the other responses. I have very similar issues with my own mom as you described. Until the past month, we had been estranged for three years (her choice because she was mad at me). I think I needed that break to separate myself from her and realize that I am a grown woman and mother and not defined by what she thinks about me. I really prayed about what to do, and felt no prompting except to wait. Finally I came to this conclusion (and I hope I can express briefly what it has taken me three years to process). My mom was not able to be the mother that I needed because of all of the hurts and pains in her own life. I believe that she did the best she could and in her own way she loved(s) me. I didn't want to heap guilt upon her for things that were in the past that she could never go back and change by writing her a letter of all of my pain and anger. Because I put myself in my mom's shoes, imagining what it would be like to be filled with many regrets deep down in her own heart that she doesn't know how to deal with, and receiving a letter like that. Her children are grown, she knows she wasn't the mother they needed and she knows how many mistakes she made. She can't go back and change anything, so what does she do? She chooses to be angry and hurtful and defensive because she doesn't know how to deal with her own regrets. We all make mistakes as mothers, obviously some MUCH greater than others. But still, we all make them. And every mother does something right too. So I chose to remember the things my mom did right, and forgive her for the hurts and let it go. I wrote her a birthday card, and told her I was sorry that I hurt her (I was) and that I forgave her for hurting me and know that she did the best she could. I told her I was thankful for the things she did right. And that I loved her. Now this has not been easy for me, especially since my mom has to be the one who is right, and it keeps coming up in establishing this new relationship all over again. I had to let go of the need for my mom to be there for me, and realize that she is simply not capable of being the mom I need. There is no use wishing for something to change that isn't going to. And it is only hurting me. In my life I am working very hard to be a different kind of mother for my own three children. I can give them what I never got from my own mom, and there is a lot of healing that comes from that. I thought about how short life is, and that we never know when we will get that phone call... that the opportunity will be gone forever. I do not want to have any regrets. Now we are establishing a different kind of relationship. More distant. But kind. Keeping up with one another's lives but not going into the emotional areas. Not the way I wish it could be, but the way it needs to be. I know how many mistakes I have made in my own life. I need forgiveness for those mistakes. And even though my mom's mistakes might be bigger than mine, and she may not even realize her own need, she needs that forgiveness too. I don't expect that she will change. I only know that I did, and will continue to. And that means our relationship has changed.
I wish you the best.

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Looks like you have faith in God so my advice is to pray, pray and pray some more. Ask God to open your mom's eyes to see how her blaming you is hurting you. At the same time pray for God to give you the strength you need to handle your mom. I don't know what you believe but I believe in generational curses and I think it would be a good idea to pray against any generational curses, guilt, blame that may try to attach itself to your child or you. I did this before I got married because I didn't want those curses, divorce, suicide, guilt, etc. to be attached to me, my husband, or my kids. Think about it, have you ever said or thought that you might have said something or acted in a way that was like your mom? This is just a suggestion, but some of the things you have said sound so familiar to me. God bless you. I'll be praying for you.

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Hey C. - What a predicament. I am close with my mom, but even so there have been times that I say "no, I want things done this way with Blythe" (Blythe is my almost 2 year old). Here's the thing, it sounds that you have done the steps to try to make it work. But ultimately your repsonsiblities and/or priorities are for you first then for your family (husband, daughter). If your daughter is distressed upon them entering the room, I would not leave her with them. Maybe you will have to use your mom's technique of "just letting her cry it out" on your mom. But she knows you come back, so that is why she continues to guilt trip you (something she has probably done your entire life). Anyways, if you cut ties with her, it doesn't have to be forever, but she needs to know you are serious. Tell her what you expect, and if she can play by your rules then ok. But the first time she sways, you have to cut ties again. I wish you the best. I will keep you in my prayers!

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Hey C.,

I just wanted to add that it sounds like you need some mama renewal! I am starting up a free personal renewal group for moms - it will be on-line. Take some time for you and join us for the discussion. You sound like you would enjoy our discussions and my parenting philosophy. Check us out at http://www.noblemother.com

Hope your relationship with your mom gets easier.

All the Best, R.