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K.B. asks from Saint Louis, MO on August 09, 2011

Relationship with Ex's Daughter

So my son's father has an adorable 5 year old daughter from a prior relationship. Him and I were together for some time and I ended up developing a great relationship with his daughter. Now that we are not together, I hardly get to see her, which is a little saddening for me. (My ex and I have a decent relationship when it comes to co-parenting, with the exception of money factors, so he tries to bring her over still sometimes).

Her mother the other day was talking to him about having no one to watch her daughter so she can go out unless he's free (which he isn't always free, I have a similar problem). I offered to watch her daughter for her, but she has serious issues with this. I get it, I'm the "other woman" to her. The one who had a kid with him AFTER they had a relationship and a kid together that ended. I've tried several times to extend the olive branch, so to say, to her, but she just does not take it and has actually stooped to some pretty petty levels of behavior. But, I think this would be good for everyone. I would be willing to do it for free. His daughter gets to see her brother and me (which he says she keeps asking about me anyway) and her parents are able to do what they need to do. I would love if for the sake of our kids we could just learn to put things behind us and maybe developing a working relationship among all three of us (maybe even be able to trade babysitting services with each other when daddy has to work).

Is this a crazy idea/suggestion? Would you be willing to do this if you were in a similar situation? I'm pretty sure it's not going to happen, but I feel like I'm not being unreasonable.

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So What Happened?™

Her dad does not have a problem with me taking his daughter, it's just her mom. I'm not the reason they broke up. They had been broken up for almost 2 years when him and I officially got together and he slowly introduced his daughter to me. It wasn't till I got pregnant that we became close. I used to watch his daughter all the time by myself when we were together and the mom rarely said anything. But, we're not together now and I think before she was doing it more for the sake of her ex then anything and now feels like there is no point.

As far as mine and her relationship, I had JUST started dating my ex, never met his daughter before but knew she existed and all of a sudden received facebook messages from her cursing me and out and being threatening. I think she thought it would be a way to get rid of me. When I didn't go anywhere and then ended up pregnant, they got worse. Then in the 3rd trimester, because I refused to respond back to her being this way, she stopped. I did send her a message stating after me and my ex broke up saying that I would like it if we could be cordial with each other for the sake of our kids, since they are brother and sister, and she said no. She was at one point even trying to convince my son's grandmother to not let my son come over to see her (his ex lives with his mother) because "that baby shouldn't be in the family anyway."

I know that it's a moot point, but I guess part of the optimistic side of me keeps thinking that maybe she'll come around since we have kids that are related. I have issues with her, but it's more so from a direct connection of how she treats me. I really want to be able to simply sit down with her and try to have a civil conversation with her.

I was just wondering if it was a crazy idea because she reacted to it like it was the most absurd thing she'd ever heard. I'm not pushing it, I just threw it out there. He is apparently pushing it every time she complains to him, but I told him I wouldn't do it unless the mom agreed to it (cause he was thinking of just dropping his daughter off at my place when he has to go to work and not telling the mom). I guess in a perfect world we could put those emotions behind us for the kids, especially when the whole thing that started the emotions was more an ex that we now both have and we both broke up with for the SAME reasons. I did make the comment to my son's grandma one day that if she was ever willing to talk to me, we would probably find we have a lot more in common then we realize.

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A.S. answers from Clarksville on August 09, 2011

It is very nice of you to offer. But I probably wouldn't be willing to have you watch my child either. I wouldn't feel comfortable dropping my child off at my ex's ex- wife's house. You and my ex were the one's to have a relationship not me and you.

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A.S. answers from Clarksville on August 09, 2011

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C.J. answers from Dallas on August 09, 2011

I think you are seeing things differently than she is. While it is not a crazy idea for you to ask from your POV, from hers it may seem completely uncomprehensible. Where you all extremely close and communicative while you were with your ex? If not, I wouldn't expect a lot to change now. If so and you feel you really had a good relationship ask her about that and guess what? It may have been for 'the sake of her daughter' that she was so nice to you before. . . just a thought.
Honestly, if my ex husband's, ex wife offered to watch my kiddos, I'd say no too. BUT I would also stop complaining about not going out, etc.
Sorry, probably not a popular answer, but honestly how I would feel in this situation.
Good luck!!

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C.W. answers from Phoenix on August 09, 2011

I would do it. My exs ex after me has a daughter with him who is 4. Ive taken her a couple of times.

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B.F. answers from Toledo on August 09, 2011

Far from crazy I think it is a great way for everyone to be happy about the situation. Your son gets to see his sister, you can see her, mom gets free time. ;-)

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D.P. answers from Pittsburgh on August 09, 2011

I know people with exactly the situation you are trying to achieve. It can be done. My friend (the dad) has even watched his ex's new infant (from another dad) while they went on their honeymoon.
The thing is, until your ex's first ex deals with her issues, it can't work.
So--no--it's not a crazy idea, and parents that put the kids first would absolutely think it can only be "good". It's not unreasonable, but if his first ex is not on board, it's a moot point.

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A.M. answers from San Francisco on August 09, 2011

I would totally do what you are doing.

Did you have anything to do with the breakup of her relationship with your ex? If so, I can see that she will never let you watch her daughter.

But, if you just came into the picture after her, and were not instrumental in their breakup, then maybe she will change her mind.

Keep trying, hopefully she will need the help enough to eventually allow you to watch her. Maybe you can think of a really nice gift for the mom or something that will win her over.

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A.H. answers from Canton on August 09, 2011

We have done this but his situation is a little different. My SO's son's Mom has watched our son before and her son that is the same age as our son has come over to play and has came to our son's bday parties and stuff like that. But the only difference is, him and his son's Mom were never really together. She got pregnant after 2 one night stands pretty much. They were never in a relationship so the feelings were never there so there's no reason for me to be jealous or her or vice versa.
No, I don't think you're being unreasonable in still wanting to see her. Hopefully it will work out for you!

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J.W. answers from St. Louis on August 09, 2011

I don't know how to answer your question other than telling you what I have done. My kids love Troy, and he loves them. I have told him that if anything was to happen I would still like him to be in their lives. I have no problem fighting my ex over this.

That is the thing with steps, you want them to love your children like your own but then lingering in the background is the fact that you are not related by blood. What was best for my kids and Troy was to assure them all that there is no way they would be torn apart if our marriage fell apart. That way they are free to unconditionally love each other without fear of their hearts being broken.

Perhaps it isn't for everyone but I do think it is what is emotionally healthy.

So no, you are not being unreasonable, you are just being loving to the children.

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S.W. answers from Minneapolis on August 09, 2011

It's not a crazy suggestion at all. I would keep gently offering, possibly her mother will eventually take you up on your offer. But she may not. Not everyone can see past their spite.

My family includes my two stepchildren whom I've known since they were babies and are now in their 20s, my nine-year-old daughter, and my stepchildren's two younger sisters from their mother's second marriage. The two younger sisters would visit their siblings (my SD and SS) at our house sometimes. We got to know them really well. At one point, because their parents were in a very nasty drawn out divorce, we offered to have them live with us. Sounds crazy, maybe, but our offer was actually considered, but in the end not accepted.

We have a family picture of all five kids together and my daughter counts that she has one older brother and three older sisters. I don't think kids can ever have too many adults who care about them. I hope this mother can let go of some of her anger and see that. Keep offering.

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A.V. answers from Washington DC on August 09, 2011

I think that if the parents aren't comfortable with it, pushing is only making it worse. They have said no. You have to let it go. If she doesn't want to take you up on the offer then that's her choice and something she'll have to deal with re: her free time.

Now, if something were to happen with DH I would encourage a relationship between DD and SD and SS. However, it would be about them and not me. Birthday parties. Christmas. Maybe a get together in a neutral place like a park. But only if that was alright with all involved. It is also their father's responsibility to facilitate the relationships between his children as he is the common factor.

I don't think you're going to get the "one big happy" out of this family diagram, and you need to accept it.

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N.P. answers from Stockton on August 09, 2011

My hubby's ex (their daughter is 19) comes and gets the rest of the kids (my 13yo, his 11yo twins and my 7yo) up for school and out the door for us. I pay her a little even. It has helped us not have to deal with all of that over the phone since we both work early, and helps her with money since he doesn't pay child support anymore. win win. It is hard at times, but we are about to start a new year of school and we've made some new rules. and bonus.....she LOVES to fold laundry. yay! I am the one who usually has the problems with things, but it is mostly because of everyone elses close relationships and i'm the new comer trying to still fit is and not be the evil step-mom. She is super great about things though and if i have an issue it is taken care of right away. This seems like such an easy solution but not for a lot of people. Good luck.

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E.C. answers from St. Louis on August 10, 2011

It's do-able if everyone is on board with the idea and it makes sense if everyone put the best interest of the kids first. (they get to see each other)
My ex-husband has two ex-wives (me being one of those) who have kids with him and a current marriage with 1 kid...we do our best to talk to each other about our kids and get them together. We all live in different states and at times fly our kids to each place. I recommend you have a discussion with the ex who has the daughter and make sure you address boundaries specifically, yours and hers.
My daughter, 14 just spent two weeks with her little sister and the 2nd ex-wife and she had a great time. It was away from me, which for a teen is a great thing, and she still had someone who I knew would watch over her and provide a great place to stay. If I had sent her to a place where it was just a friend, it wouldn't have been the same.
As an ex with a child, you most likely have your ex's kids best interest at heart. I would think that the little girl's mom should be grateful if she could get over the "other-woman" syndrome. Since I'm the first ex, it took me some time to do that but now my girls have a great relationship with someone that was in their lives for a while and have found a way to keep it going. Good luck.

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R.D. answers from Richmond on August 09, 2011

I think that was a sweet idea for you to watch her! My ex's girlfriend watches my girls sometimes if they're over at his place and he has to work or something. It's not all that outrageous. She has a daughter the same age as my girls, so it's nice. I've never met her, but the girls have fun, so I'm not complaining! It works out well for us.

Can you talk directly to her? Maybe if she got to know you a little better, she'd feel more comfortable. Like I said, it happens. As long as everyone is cordial and putting the children first, it can be a very agreeable alternative to having to pay for daycare and such, AND it teaches kids a valuable lesson.

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