Relationship with Adult Son

I'm sorry, but if you want to have a relationship with your son and grandchild, you have to endure his girlfriend's unbelievable behavior, whatever it is. Part of enduring is ignoring too.

Your son is right, that in order to have a relationship with him, you have to accept his family. If it were YOU and your husband, and your mom couldn't stand your husband, you would feel the same way.

Don't push so hard with them. If you aren't making your son feel defensive about this woman, at some point his eyes may be opened and he might decide not to have her in his life anymore. If they get married, maybe she will grow up and stop acting like this.

No more financial assistance, though. Other than babysitting, they need to learn to stand on their own four feet.

If you don't start letting her antics roll off your back, you will be miserable for the rest of your days.

Good luck,
Dawn

What I have found in cases like this is that we don't see how our behavior effects the big picture. I am sure there are bad things about the girlfriend but she is the mother of your grandchild. She needs to understand that there are bad things about you but your are her son's grandmother.

One of you is going to have to take the first step to meet in the middle.

I am only saying this to be helpful but the way you worded this it sounds like you are only seeing what you do that is positive and ignoring anything negative you are bringing into the relationship.

You want to have a relationship with your son and grandchild? How would you feel if she didn't want to include you in the dynamic? Oh that's right, you don't like it but that is exactly what you are trying to do.

Ignore what I am saying, call me a meany, or look at what I am saying, look at the big picture. If you don't change nothing will.

Yes, I would "suck it up" and deal with GF's behavior to have access to my grandchild. I would do everything in my power to not rock the boat.

It's possible that once they stop fighting with you they will turn on each other. At that point you want the door open with your son.

That's just me . . .

If my mom was ever to ask a question on this site, it would be this same question about my husband. Unfortunately my mom has no ability to look at her own behavior and see that she causes most of the problems. I am 41 years old, my mom has always been very controlling. For pretty much all of my life I have just gone along with it because it's easier. I know the things that she has strong opinions on so I just don't talk to her about those things or hide what I'm doing. When my first son was born, I couldn't do that anymore. We actually has to tell her that if she waned us to leave the baby with her, she would have to change a diaper. (She refused up to that point). Now that he's 3, we have discovered that she won't tell him no and let him do anything. There are a lot of other things, but since I have a hard time standing up to her, my husband often takes over and has told her on a couple of occasions that if she doesn't change her behavior she won't be allowed in our house. I want my mom to have a relationship with her grandsons but I need her respect my role as their mother, if she won't do it voluntarily, my husband will stick up for me.
I don't know if this describes you at all, but you may want to look at your own behavior and see if there are things that you do that you know go against their parenting ideas.

Let's see, he's 22. That means he is an adult and can do what he wants. He has a child and I guess that makes him a man. He has his responsibilities to the child and the mother of the child.

You as the grandmother has a role but it is not the immediate family of you and him any more. You are now on the outer ring of the immediate family unit. Son is defending his little family from you and possibly your demanding ways.

Personalities can and do clash but you must find a way to get beyond what you want and accept what is.

You have raised a successful child who left home and is on his own even if he did require some assistance in the beginning.

Step back and enjoy what you can and accept what you can't.

The other S.

PS Life is too short to be fighting over anything.

I am sorry to hear this. I know exactly where you are coming from.My own mother,and her son are having these same issues. Although,everyone has a different story if that makes sense! Well, my advice would be to try to keep the peace.Otherwise, you won't be able to get to see your son,and your grandchild. I would let them come to you. They are still very young,and still need time to grow up.I hope things get better for you=) Take care~

22 is barely an adult in anyone's eyes but it's an adult none the less and for some mother's, that's a hard pill to swallow.

I had a HORRIBLE mother in law when I was married to my kids dad. And I was raised in the south so we NEVER disrespected an adult or older adult so the fact that she offered to pay me to LEAVE her son was not only a shock but an insult to my intelligence (on a lighter note, I shoulda took that money and RUN FORREST RUN with it. Hindsight).

So here's the deal, if you've "given" him help, it's a gift. And should have no expectation of repayment in good deed, kind words or otherwise. He is your son but not your property which means he has to find his own way with his own girlfriend. And if you've raised your son well and respect him, you'll respect his choice in girlfriends and mother of his child and leave the rest at the door when you speak to them/her.

Here's what I told my son when he started living with a girl I didn't exactly like: I love you and don't have to live with her and if you love her I'll respect your choice. And in the words of my mother to me about a guy she didn't like: I can get along with the devil for 5 or 6 hours just as long as I can see my grandchildren.

I'd call. Check on them. Tell them that you love them and your son is right, you DO have to accept his family as is, even if you wanna choke her every time you wanna see her.

I will say this tho, it is YOUR choice whether or not you'll be available to them to babysit. If they are going to manipulate you by using the kids, I'd make sure that was taken out of the equation. You can CHOOSE not to play their game too.

Odds are that this girlfriend will hang herself with her own rope and when you take the highroad, you'll come out on top.

Sending good thoughts your way.

P., it's impossible to tell here what if any role you play in these problems. The only advice I have is, if she or your son has ever told you directly that something you did or said was upsetting, then please.....apologize. Even if you don't think you've really done anything wrong.

PS - I was, quite frankly, and idiot when I was 22 and my relationship with my parents was not a top priority at that stage in my life. But I eventually did a lot of growing up and now we are super close.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Do remember that she is young and hopefully has a lot of growing up to do. I know I am a completely different person at age 40 than I was at 22. People in their 20's are still trying to set boundaries and find their feet - I really believe your 20's are full of defining moments in your life - so hopefully she will learn and grow and "calm down" a bit. Do take a look at your behavior - are you trying to control anything? Are you having great expectations about the way YOU think things should be? (especially because you have helped them financially??) Let go of any expectations you have, dig up whatever love you can and use that in all interactions with her - and focus on your grandchild. You are so important to that child as a source of love, a role model and friend. Good luck - I have worried about this same situation with my son someday - and I know it would be a tough one!!

Wow, can't IMAGINE where the term Monster-In-Law comes from!

Do your son and his GF a HUGE favor, and by ALL means, CUT THEM OUT OF YOUR LIFE. That way THEY can LIVE their own life.

Geez.

:(

Perhaps you could work on the girlfriend-she's the one you have to win over; and it would be helpful to have your son tell his girlfriend that you will always be a part of your Grandson's life-period. A child will not be used as a bargaining chip to manipulate and punish his Grandmother. She will see the error of her ways if you patiently and in private talk to her about her behavior and treatment of you-as it happens. She must have been treated like a dog to utilize this defensive and offensive behavior-it almost seems like you didn't have a chance right out of the gate.

Wow...I wonder what the girlfriend says about you...