Relationship with Adult Child

I hate to say it but let time takes it's course. It took my son joining the Navy and being cheated upon while he was half way around the world to end something that probably shouldn't have started in the first place. (But please don't let your son join the service!) He was acting the same way. And the girl tried to get him away from us as much as possible. Gone were our holidays with my son, our weekends and activities. He was entranced. But all they did was fight and she was flirting with every guy who walked in the room. Not to mention she bent over all the time so everyone could view her watoosie. The point is we couldn't do anything really. Just like my parents couldn't do anything about me marrying the wrong husband the first time. It has to be discovered sooner or later by your son. Let's hope he does soon. Now I have another son and am waiting to see how his love life goes...fun, eh?

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I have to say that I think you unfortunately will have to ride this out. You really can't do much about the relationships others are in, even when it's your own child. If the relationship is bad, it wont last. He is probably with her for a number of reasons, things you don't want to know about. The best thing you can do is support him, not in the relationship but in life in general. People with healthy self esteem don't let themselves be treated badly for long. Have you ever perhaps tried talking to her? Try seeing where her head is, why she is the way she is. Maybe she could use a little support herself. There is good in everyone, find the good in her and maybe if she has a stable adult female in her life to set an example for her, she will become a better person. Good luck with everything!

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Leave the topic alone. He has to find and figure out his own relationships. It's the hardest thing to do, but he's an adult and saying anything good or bad can have an adverse effect. Just be curteous to the girl, and don't bug him about it. The great thing is that he's only 20, and she'll probably not be the one he ends up with. Especially if he's still living at home. If he comes to you for advise about her, just say that It's not your place and he needs to decide what kind of relationship he wants, and then say all that matters to you is that he's happy; and leave it at that. You can let him know that you support him and are there to listen, however be really careful about giving any advise as it can come back to haunt you. Just remember that he's still really young and if they are already starting the break up make up process they most likely wont last too terribly long. At most another year. Good luck

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Have you raised a man that you are confident can make decisions on his own in other aspects of his life? If so, have the confidence that he will find his way through this situation as well. Has he come to you seeking guidance on this issue? If so, then you have been invited to offer guidance. If not, keep it to yourself. What brought about the counseling? Is there something else going on in his life that is making him moody/irresponsible? Is it just a phase of his life? Thankfully I did not live with my parents through my early 20's- I would have been sent into some sort of counseling/rehab for sure... it was a phase and I grew out of it. Hopefully he does too!

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He is an adult and he has made his choice but I do feel that if he is a reasonable man you should ask him to sit down with you and his father and tell him how you feel. Don't forget to start out by telling him how much you love him and you respect his decision making but you both feel that something does not seem right.
You could also give the counseling a little bit more time. It can be a long process.

Good Luck,
S.

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This is definitely a situation for prayer. How is he when you bring her up as a subject. Try active listening and not being judgmental. Listen for his feelings, ask open ended questions, get a book on it. When and if she enters the picture again respond in a different way to her trying to control you, 1. just ignore her orders, say um-hm and then continue on as you were with no intention to talk to her about it, 2. look for her good motives, is she trying to help you or your son, this will help you to have a better attitude toward her, but still don't do as she says, 3. when your son seems upset, moody, say, "You seem to have something on your mind today. Do you want to talk about it?" He is 20 and you have to respect his right not to talk to you. 4. Look at the beam in your own eye, are you being controlling? 5. Get some couselling yourself and talk to the couselor about your conceerns, especially her mind games, to know how to deal with that.

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If your son's behavior has changed drastically, don't be too proud or naive to believe there may not be drug use involved. I hope that is not the case, but make sure it isn't. You would be amazed at how common it is, no matter the economic or social class or religious upbringing. Also, if the counselor your son is seeing (and be very grateful he is willing to see someone) isn't getting results, perhaps you should consider finding someone else. When our children are born, we all have great hopes for them. As they grow up, we realize that if they can just be healthy and happy, that is enough. Good luck to all of you.

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does your son work he needs to work a full time job, he also should being paying some sort of rent be it a 100 dollars a month, you need to teach him responsibilty and let him learn his lesson on his own if this young lady continues with her attitude you continue to love her above and beyond than your son will know its not you pushing him away, you should set up boundaries with your son and his girlfriend not letting her good luck

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I don't think you should go out of your way to make her feel like she's part of the family. I think she should earn that and so far she hasn't. It's probably best to distance yourself from their relationship. All you can do is tell him how you feel but ultimately it's his decision.
He's the one who needs to open his eyes and realize he's not in a healthy relationship.

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Hi--We have 2 adult sons and just found a really good book I highly recommend called "Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children" Six Steps to Hope and Healing for Struggling Parents, by Allison Bottke. We going thru a difficult situation with one of them and I read it cover to cover with highlighter in hand in one sitting! It is EXCELLENT! Also, there was an article in June 29th Sunday's Southtown life & leisure section called "Boomerang Generation, Moving Back in with parents" that recommended several books that dealt with parent/adult child situations, here is the link: http://www.southtownstar.com/lifestyles/1028223,062908boo...
I know how difficult it is to "parent" but not "over parent". I pray that you get the guidance needed to provide BALANCED suppport to your son while not getting too wrapped up in his "stuff"--I'm pray this for us too!
Blessings:)~J.

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Just spend time with him and encourage him- compliment. keep quiet when it comes to his relationship unless he asks for advise. I know this is so hard to do- My daughter will be 20 in nov and I have such a hard time keeping quiet. it is a tough age. I pray on it every day. God bless.

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Hi,

I'm sorry to hear that you're family is going through this. I too have a 20 year old son who had a somewhat similar situation. You have to stand firm and let the both of them know that you don't appreciate what is taking place. Get to know her parents (that should shed a little light as to why she's the way she is). Let her know that it's your house not hers and that she can run her own house as she'd like, but this is your families' home.

My son got tired of be at his former girls beck and call and she was seeing other young men. He finally cam to his senses and let her go for good. Her family misses my son, but they understand what their daughter put him through and do not blame him one bit.

So stand strong and let her know that she's out of line.

Did he go to college? Or does he work? There is nothing you will be able to do for him but eventually he will snap out and realize he is in a bad area. You need to keep him busy so he doesn't have too much time on his hands. If he is in school full time he should still have a job part time or if he goes away to school he should have a summer job. If he is not in school at all he should have a full time job and pay rent to you. Your son is 20 and needs to make his own mistakes when it comes to relationships. The biggest issue is making sure this girl doesn't pop up pregnant. Too many kids are just laying around not doing anything. He needs to start being responsible even if it is tough for you to do. In the long run he will be better off.

What ever you do don't bad mouth the the girl. If he does it then just listen & be supportive of him. Adult kids/teens tend to do the opposite of what their parents want them to. So if you say negative things about her he will actually go back to her & then be mad at you. Keep the lines of communication going & have him stick with the counseling. It sounds like he suffers from low self esteem which is why he chose this girl in the first place. Keep building up his confidence & be there for him no matter what happens with the girl.

PRAYER!!! Daily, continual, heartfelt, desperate prayer will resolve this.