Relationship Rut-and Pregnant. ;(

J.,

You are in a hard place right now and my hugs go out to you. I understand what you are saying about your husband being a good guy/dad but not helping and expecting you to take care of everything. I mean this in the nicest way, and I know you didn't intentionally set it up this way but, you teach people how to treat you. You have always accepted it to be this way, so it is. That is not to say that things can't change.

I think you could go at it from 2 different sides. 1. Tell your husband when he leaves for work in the morning that when he gets home, you need to have a serious talk. If at all possible, arrange for a neighbor or friend to keep your baby. Tell him ahead of time so he worries a bit and thinks of worse case senario so what you tell him is a relief. Sit down with him and tell him that you love him and know he is a good dad, but you are not happy and things are going to have to change if you going to stay around. Decide on the most important 3 things to you. I would say concrete things such as 1. I need to leave every Sat from 2 to 5:00 and need you to be responsible for the baby. I need to go to my room and rest for 30 mintues when you get home everyday. 2. I need however much money weekly that you do not question me about and I can spend on my own. 3. I need a date night that you plan and get a sitter for, etc. once a month so I can feel our relationship is still a priority for you.

The other way to go about it is to get a job and split up the chores like someone else said. I don't know your husband but I would guess that if he knows that he is in jeopardy of losing you, he will react. Don't let yourself be in this position in 10 years. Let me tell you from experience that if you don't do something now, you will be in the exact same place or worse in 10 years. it won't be easy, but you will be so glad you took a stand for yourself. And also for your kids. Their dad is teaching them how to treat people. He is also teaching them that it is OK for them to be treated that way when they are in a relationship. It is your job to make sure it is a good example.

Best of luck.

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I'm sorry you are going through this, especially since you're pregnant. I have 4 children & have been through this to a degree myself. In my marriage, it took a long time to work out but it did. The next time your hubby tells you to get a job, tell him you have one. It's 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, there's no vacation time, & you daon't have any co-workers!

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My husband works part time and is a full time college student. I am also a SAHM and am expecting our second. While he does more around the house than I do, and is very giving, I STILL get frusterated, and emotional!

So basically, I think you are very justified in your feelings and as I think he could definately help you out more, I think you guys could go on a little reality check in your relationship. Try to really sit down and talk to him about how you are feeling.

Maybe going to a counselor who can mediate your feelings, and help the two of you re-evaluate both of your needs. (Marriage counselors aren't just for people on the brink of divorce, but for newlyweds, and people undergoing any type of transition in their life).

Dr. Phil has a great book called Relationship Rescue, that my hubby and I have sat down and read together. Sometimes, it's easy to get away from the marriage b/c of the hustle and bustle of everyday life (especially with his busy work schedule). So maybe some one on one time alone on a regular basis (a weekly date) along with some real heart to heart talks with your concerns could really help.

I'm sure it would be very comforting to you to have these feelings and issues resolved before your next baby comes. Especially financial issues can put a real strain on a relationship, so maybe working out some type of deal on the money, where you get $30 a week no questions asked or something will help.

Oh, and the next time he comes home and just wants to "relax", say, "That's fine, but you can watch the kid, b/c I've been working all day too, and so I'm going out to relax".

http://amazon.com/s/ref=nb_ss_gw/105-###-###-####-###-###...

This is my church's stance on partnership in marriage. I love in the 7th paragrapgh where it points out that mothers and fathers should be equal partners. Even though they may serve different roles according to the needs of each family, they should support and uplift each other and care for each other's needs.

http://www.lds.org/library/display/0,4945,161-1-11-1,00.html

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I agree w/ much that has been written. Marriage- ALL FACETS of it- are a partnership, not a dictatorship. He is not sweet & wonderful if he treats it as anything but. SEEK COUNSELING NOW, no, make that YESTERDAY. You are pregnant now, but I would make sure I didn't get pregnant again until my marriage was much, much better.

My 2 cents... D.

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J., I thing we have all been there at some point. You have a lot of stress with being pregnant and probably not feeling like yourself plus you are staying home with your baby. If I were you I would try to join a moms club where you can meet other women during the day and your son can play. This way you will feel like you have something of your own. Relationships are so hard during pregnancy anyways. If you talk to your husband, try doing it without getting emotional. He will take you more seriously. You could get a job, but is that the best thing for your 1 yr old and upcoming baby? It is obvious that he loves the little one so if you put it that way to him maybe that will open his eyes a little wider. I wish you the best.

You have so much great advice alreayd.

Get counseling.

Look for work from home.

Join a Mom's group.

All those things will help YOU. And your family.

Check out these places to find work from home.

http://www.moneyfromhome.com/

http://work-at-home.business-opportunities.biz/2006/05/19...

J.,
I wish I could just give you a hug!! Me and My husband went though some thing like this not completely but something. I lost my job when I was pregant and then got another one after she was born and the company went out of business 8 months after I was employeed there and I was at home 1 1/2 yrs after that. Honestly I hid back some money when and where I could, bought a new set of locks to the house, changed the alarm code. Took the baby to my moms and Met him at the door with a frying pan. I told him we could do this two ways. Togther or at Odds. I made a list of the things I wanted to change and how we could work on changing them. He didnt like it at first, but I told him Texas is a 50 50 state. The money and the bread winning was his end and he currently controlled it like he wanted to, so the house and everything inside was mine. He slept on the couch several nights and at his moms the first. But we finally came to some kinds of agreeance and since I was in pain and hurting I told I would have to see a change in him and a permate one to heal and move on . I am also married to very kind and sweet man, who did everything he could to make it better. I had told him several times and even once when he told me to get a job and earn the money I made a list of the things I did on a day to day basis and how much it cost to do them. Then at the end of the week asked for my pay check he didnt pay (of course) so I quit doing them (except for my baby and my self). After talking and pleading with him, It took me doing something drastic for him to realize and understand I ment business and I was hurt! I hope your situation gets better. Men are just hard headed and prideful. I know staying at home with your kids makes you fulfilled but he rather you work and if that was his problem. Maybe you could take a part time job, or one you could do from home. Sometimes we have to give a little to get a lot, but sometimes they do too. I my hugs and heart goes out to you. Let us know how things turn out.

I was going to suggest a mommy's group too! :) Being around other moms will help you talk it out, and you may be able to find others who relate. Not only that, but you may find that you get some great advice too!!!

I coordinate a playgroup in the area, and we'd love to have you join us. Email me for more info - ____@____.com.

Hi J.,

Do you belong to a mom's club or any other type of at-home mommy group? If not, you should really look into it! Sounds like it could really help your frame of mind if you are around other mommies. You might be surprised at how many other moms feel the same way!

I joined my local MOMS Club chapter when my 1st was born almost 7 years ago. It really helped me survive the transition from working woman to mommy, and now years later, has provided me with lifelong friends. I'm still involved with my 2nd little one who's now almost 3. It has been truly priceless to have playgroup for my kids and friends for me. Staying at home can be very isolating, so get out and meet other mommies like you!

www.momsclub.org **you have to send them an email, and they will contact you with the information on the chapter closest to you.

As I read your post it reminded me of my second marriage except I had a teenage son from a prior marriage at the time.
We had been dating and engaged for 1 1/2 yrs and was about to be married when I found out that I was pregnant and I TOTALLY freaked. I ALWAYS wanted to have another child or two but he didn't want to have any children and I had told him early in the relationship that I can't be w/someone that don't want to have children, He knew I had a high risk pregnancy w/my son.

By the time I found out that I was pregnant I was having doubts if I was going to go through with the marriage. I know I shouldn't of gone through with it but I was blinded by stupidity. Everything for the wedding was already paid for which included photographers, dj, reception, flowers, etc there were 200 people that showed up and there were a lot of out of town guests from NY, FL and Europe. I didn't want to disappoint the family. He was VERY EMOTIONAL Abusive towards me, His parents were/ARE VERY OVERLY CONTROLLING, as he is as well. He's VERY selfish. Everything was about him and his alone time, his money. All he cared about was his money, his friends, poker games, drinking, working, sports.
One week after we got married he said to me "AREN'T YOU GOING TO HAVE AN ABORTION" I Totally freaked. He was/is a waiter that has dropped out of college more than a handful of times that has NO AMBITION in life and depends on his parenst to always be there for him to ALWAYS bail him out of whatever.

I had A LOT of Complications throughout my pregnancy and was on strict bedrest and he could not handle it and couldn't handle being a father/husband and that is when I realized that we (me and my baby to be and older son) did not deserve this stress and heartache.

I was separated when I was 14 wks pregnant, We (me and my older son) had to move in w/my parents, I was on bedrest through my entire pregnancy which I started going in labor at 16 wks, he left me with all my/my baby's medical bills, I was on WIC and Foodstamps, His dad didn't see him until he was almost 6 months old . I went to school and graduated 01/07, my newborn had colic until he was about 3 months and acid reflux for the 1st 16 months of his life,numerous ear infections, RSV, tubes in his ears, speech delay. my divorce was final 4/26/06, I have lost 80 pounds since the baby was born, I was able to buy myself a Ford Explorer 2005 and have survived just fine. I wanted to add that my teenage son decided that he wanted to move w/his dad during all of this when my marriage was going down hill and I won't not accept it and then It was brought up again when the baby was 2 months old and I was in deep depression and had some medical problems due to the pregnancy/delivery of the baby which I bled for 6 months straight in puddles.

The reason I am telling you what I have gone through is because I know what it's like. He was/is Very selfish, lunitic,abusive, hateful. He had changed me and now after I have gone through I am stronger better person/friend/mother that I ever thought I would be. Yes, I still have some Anger towards what my ex did and got away with but without my faith in God's I would of never made it as far as I have. My ex put me in a place that I have NEVER been before and I don't ever want to be there again.

I am just grateful that I have been blessed w/2 amzing boys that I LOVE and that I am SO VERY PROUD of.
My advice to you is go w/your heart. If you feel that this isn't right then it's not.
Everything he says and does is NOT right. You need your sanity especially during a time like this.
He is the one that is spoiled and selfish not you. You deserve a better life for yourself and most of all for your kids.
I will keep you and your babies in my prayers.
God Bless and I hope this helps.
M.

Sounds like your DH has a lot of growing up to do. If he won't go to counsiling, I would be willing to lend you my videos by Gary Smalley called Keys to Loving Relationships. There are 18 VHS sessions. We didn't have the $ to go to counsiling when we had issues, so I bought these and we watched them together. It is definately benefitial if you watch them together, but even if he won't, you would still benefit on how best to handle your situation. My heart really goes out to you. I have a friend that wasn't alowed a dime of her hubby's income and she was very angery over it and bitter for many years. She has wathced these videos and searched herself and prayed like crazy for the Lord to change her heart (she pretty much hated her hubby). It was a slow transition, but she eventually began to honor him even with all his many flaws. Now, he is begining to change his heart and even lets her have free reign over what they buy at the grocery store (within budget).
I hope the best for you and your situation. God bless!
liz
p.s. let me know if you want to borrow the tapes!!

There's a great book or book on CD called His needs Her needs...I have been listening to it for the past week and it's great. We also met with our pastor and he recommended it to us.