Relationship Question - Please, Advice, :(

From the male perspective: I have experienced quite a few relationships.

Although I didn't see it at the time, the more permanent a relationship, the less I complained to outsiders about whatever was bothering me.

His actions speak louder than his words. He's already planned a break-up, talked about a break-up, and included another girl in his planning and talking.

Listen to his actions and go from there. I know you love him, but he doesn't love you. I'm sorry.

Children need stability. After his rant about you, does he sound stable? If he cannot marry you and create a stable life for his child, then he doesnt need one.

Ah, well it seems some MAJOR communication is in order here. Honest, non combative communication. On both sides. Starting NOW and ending....well, never.

It's ok for you to LOVE him, and realize he is not the right man for you.

:)

Wow, sounds like you really dodged a bullet by stumbling upon his open FB.

I am so sorry to say, but I think it is a blessing in disguise and you should take this as your signal to exit this relationship immediately, and to count yourself lucky that you have not entered into a legal bond, and that you were VERY smart to refuse to get pregnant before having a real commitment from him.

I think his excuse is TERRIBLY transparent and he has just been caught with his hand in the cookie jar.

I think your back and forth is between your heart and your head. The reality is this, you ARE on different pages, you have different priories, and he is talking to random women on facebook about your relationship. (Who knows what else they have been talking about.) He doesn't talk to YOU, until you find this. (And what a jerk to complain about your child to this woman, like he did.) That's incredibly immature, and I don't believe he is being honest. I don't think his long term plan is going to include you, sorry.

If I were you, I'd listen to my head on this one. He will tell you what he thinks you can handle and want to hear tonight. It will probably sound pretty good, but I really think you know better, and are smarter then that. What he told that woman, that was likely the 100% truth.

Oh L., if there were EVER big clagging warning bells about this man, you have not only heard them, but seen them. Instead of being confused, be grateful. The man wants only to plant his seed - he finds you an acceptable vessel to bare HIS child, but he doesn't love you or your 10 year old.

PLEASE stop the charade and tell him that you two are done. There's no reason to sit and wait for him to "get the balls" to break up with you. He is only planning on using you. This is a betrayal and a half - and when he decides to leave you (and he will), he will sue for custody to take HIS baby and not care one wit how you feel about it. You'll have to pay him child support, and you'll be tethered to this man for 18 plus years.

Don't believe the BS he will be laying on you. "Just talking to his friend about what was on his mind"? What? What person loves someone enough to want to have a baby, yet tells others that they don't know if they'll stick around? What man says he wants a baby first and marriage second? (Actually, he doesn't want marriage at all.)

He's lying to you and you really DO know it. You just don't want to believe it.

Don't do this to yourself, and don't do it to your daughter.

Sending you strength~
Dawn

I don't think you really are confused. You are afraid. And anyone in your shoes would be. You feel betrayed.

I think your instincts are on the money. I would not have a baby with this man outside of marriage. At this point I would not consider marrying him either. He should have to really prove himself to you. He broke your trust.

My gut says run, don't walk, away from this man....... but I only know this one incident.... so why don't you get a little counseling and see where both your heads are at. If he doesn't want to lose you then he should be willing to go to counseling with you.

Also....... there is a red flag that he was complaining about your daughter. I would be very cautious if you proceed in this relationship.

You've only got year and a half invested in this guy.
He's already mentally preparing himself for moving on.
You deserve better than merely providing womb service.
You and he don't have the same goals.
Rip that band aid off quickly (it'll hurt, but the pain will pass).
Pack him up and move him out.
He'll be fine and will be off impregnating someone else before you know it.
You'll lick your wounds for awhile, concentrate on raising your 10 yr old and be more cautious the next time round.

Thank goodness you do not have children together! I think you already know what to do now. Leave.

I would kick him to the curb.
AND I would not have sex with him.
AND I would not get pregnant with him, married or not.

Nuff' said.
Its a no brainer.

Loving someone does not make a relationship right nor justify staying in a screwed up relationship.
It means, being able to DISCERN things correctly and knowing a jerk when you see one.
Then end it.
Do not, let this progress.
Do NOT let him... emotionally MANIPULATE you, anymore.
He is not worth it, at all.
He is just a boyfriend.
He is a dime a dozen.
Don't choose... to keep him.

Your Profile says you have a 7 year old daughter. (?)
Well if that were me, I would NOT want my daughter... to be around a scuzzy jerk like that. At all.
CHOOSE to protect your daughter, and be a Mom that she can look up to. Don't be a Mom, that lets Men use her or treat her like a doormat or manipulate.
Think of your daughter, first.
I wouldn't want MY daughter, being with a jerk like that.
How awful.

OF COURSE he is lying. He is playing you for a fool.
DO NOT, have sex with him.
He is screwed up.
You don't have to wait for him to get balls.... YOU can have the balls, to break up with him.
JUST do it.
He is such a jerk... and if you stay with him your daughter... will get screwed up too.
Be a STRONG woman... for daughter and be a good example, for her. Of being a STRONG woman.
Don't be this guy's toy.

Don't give up your body and life... to a guy that is just so.... much of a jerk. Don't barter your body... and get pregnant for a guy like that.
Gee.
TEENAGERS, get pregnant in order to keep their boyfriend.
Then they realize how "wrong" that is. Meanwhile, they are stuck... with a jerk for the rest of their lives, due to custody problems etc.
Don't go there.

Project 10 years - what if your daughter came to you with this situation? Wouldn't you tell her she deserves someone who thinks the world of her?

So its his way or the highway - he is a child wanting a child. He needs to hit the road.

Allie's advice is very good. I too am sorry. Honestly if it were me I don't think I could trust him again and it would be over. I might try and fool myself into keeping it going but imagine that would not be a fun trip.

Reading this, in my mind he is not partner material. I also was put off by his comment about your 10 year old. A lot of 10 year olds push back. It's not going to be any different with his "own" child and if he's counting her as a "negative" in your relationship, again, NOT partner material.

I'd let him be his ball less p*ssy self and do the dirty work of breaking up for him. Tell him I said that if you like.

Do yourself a favor, get out while the 'getting" is' good, he is not marriage material for you and staying will only set you up for more heartaches. Sounds like more of a convenience than true long lasting love. Get pregnant before getting married, WRONG on so many levels.
Giving up the feelings you have now, sure won't be easy, but down the road, you will look back and say, "what was I thinking".

You're done! Marriage and kids are hard enough--and you have all this drama and you're not married and don't have kids. Move on!

It sounds like you both are not the people you are looking for. He definitely is ready to marry you. You definitely do not want his child (right now).
In addition it sounds like your existing child is and issue as well.

I think you two need to have a good long and honest talk. Taking emotions out of the picture: objectively you BOTH would be better off moving on and finding someone you share a vision of your future with.
Being in love only lasts so long... if you want to stay married to someone for more than a few years you will need to have more in common than love.

Good luck!

.

L.,

To me this isn't a dilemna. You aren't married so you aren't having a child. End of discussion. To me living together is part of the problem. You did that without marriage, why not have a kid?

Him not being ready for marriage but ready of a child? That is stupid. Its a committment either way. At least with marriage you can get divorced and never see them again (no kids) but if you have a child, yeah, they are in your life FOREVER!!! DUH!!!!

He isn't in this relationship. He left but just didn't have the balls to let you know. Now you do.

Doesn't sound like a good candidate for a life long husband or father to your baby. Save yourself the heartache and hearing his excuses by ending the relationship now. Find a man who is not scared to be honest with you.

I don't want to get judgmental about your bf because obviously I don't know him. So, will simply state that you both seem to simply want different things from life. Things which don't go hand-in-hand. Best is to part ways amicably right away. If your bf doesn't take the initiative, perhaps you could.

I'll just say this. If I were in your place, I'd stick to my guns about getting married first, before having any more kids. I find your principles very proper and sensible.

All the best to you, for working things out and for making the right decisions!

He was discussing the intimate details of your relationship with another woman. THAT would bother me more than anything else. I wouldn't be going any further with this person.

You want to be married before children. He want's to make babies without committing. Before you saw the facebook, you knew this was coming. The facebook thing just reinforces it. You can care about him, but he's not the right man for you. He's not mature enough for a relationship, and you CERTAINLY don't need to be making a baby with someone who isn't ready to commit to a relationship. Do the right thing for all of you and let it go. You did nothing wrong, it's just not the right guy.

Posting on FB about your relationship is a deal breaker in my opinion. Sounds like he told this former "friend" more than he shares with you. Doesn't that seem backward? BIG RED FLAG. This is your warning - make your decision wisely. Good luck!

I would tell him that you too would like to have another child (if that is true) but do not want to do that until you are married. He's not ready for marriage yet so while having a baby is an option, it is not one at this time. I personally think he has to grow up first. Whether or not he has a child of his own, he has no business being with you if he isn't ready to step up where your daughter is concerned (he may not be her parent but he should show that he is a good parent figure and not bickering with her like a child). He's not totally dedicated to your relationship and he seems to have one foot out the door. Do NOT get pregnant by this man until you are sure it is the right thing for BOTH of you...do not let him pressure you.

If he decides he's ready for marriage and you can't get pregnant (nothing is ever guaranteed) are you both open to adoption?

gotta agree with dad on purpose, if loverboy is talking about you like this on his facebook page to "just some chick he USED to "date", he isnt JUST "dating " her. he is using you to keep his pecker from rusting until he can be with her full time, and he is using the "she doesnt want a baby right now" excuse, you can do alot better then mister rent a pecker. wise up and ditch the guy before he gets his"just a friend"pregnant, because once his "friend" is pregnant, he will suddenly decide to cling to you like a cheap suit, while being "too busy" for his "friend". hint, he left his facebook open so that you would find his comments about you, but if you say anything to him about it, he will decide you were snooping, dont get involved in that drama, just pack up and leave him
been there, done that
K. h.

I'll be very honest here-- I've heard of this sort of situation from friends who stumbled upon email threads or open FB accounts of the person they were involved with and discovered there was a sort of doubt hanging there. Those relationships did not last.

He's putting a lot of things in the wrong priorities, in my opinion. You decide you want to get married to the person you are with before you decide to hedge your bets on having kids. I think you are smart not to do the 'get pregnant first, then get married' thing with this guy, esp. considering that he's putting his reason for not breaking up on you. That just seems weird or immature, take your pick, but certainly not someone with the intestinal fortitude to have children. You don't get to cop out on disciplining children or making boundaries with them because you are afraid to hurt their feelings.

He's either acting dishonest with her or with you or with himself. Either way, if it were me, I think I would tell him that to continue to go forward in the relationship, counseling would be the best helpful option. I don't think it's reasonable for him to expect that you've read what you did and to expect things to just be 'fine'. I'm so sorry that this is what you've found out from his open Facebook page. I hope things work out amicably for the both of you and you go forward, however you do, with your eyes wide open.

I'm so sorry this is happening. If I'm reading this right, it seems like he either wants you to "prove" you can have babies before he marries you, or just wants you to have his baby without marrying you. Either way is pretty crummy. Add that to the fact that he's talking negatively about you/your relationship to another woman, and it's extra crummy. I guess I don't have any definitive advice, other than to think really, really hard about if this is the best situation for your and your child. Again, I'm so sorry, and I hope everything works out for the best for you.

I'm very sorry for the pain you are going through right now. But this is what I think.

I think this relationship was heading to breakup territory BEFORE the FB eye-opener you had. It was clear as day.

1. He doesn't want to marry you. If he loved you, he'd marry you REGARDLESS of being able to have a baby with you. Having a baby shouldn't negate that. What do people who love each other who can't conceive do? Divorce? No. Work around it. Keep trying, In-vitro, adoption. And often, when the baby is adopted, they get pg because the stress & pressure is gone. They do not divorce because they love each other.

2. You are bonded to him and he's bonded to you. You are probably sleeping together. I know this is hard to believe, but when you do this (have premarital sex) you are getting MORE bonded to the person and it's harder to break up, even when you know (or one of you already knows) this isn't he one for me. That's why you are confused. Because to you, you are "together". But to him, not so fast.

3. He might "love" you but that just sounds to me like he cares about you and doesn't want to hurt your feelings. He spelled it out to some friend of his. When confronted with it, he wasn't ready to break up on the spot.

I'm glad you don't believe him.

Just stay calm. The best thing you can do is just break up (walk away amicably) and learn from this. Move on.

I agree with Dad on purpose

Also
It's fine for someone to communicate thir desire to have another child before marriage and have that be a deciding factor, but he's basically telling you he's leaving if you have trouble getting pregnant. Do you want a guy that has conditions on his love for you? I mean I understand why people get divorced if they want kids and the other isn't even will to try because then the other person decided to change their future and doesnt care about their wants, but you've told him you will try so whats his issue, besides seeming like he J. wants to end things?
Things get a whole lot harder after a baby is added and he's already ready to run

Without reading the other responses....

L., he told you STRAIGHT OUT that he doesn't want to marry you. You won't have a baby with him unless he marries you first and then qualified it with having it happen soon because of your age and non-guaranteed fertility.

He's either going to use the "She wants marriage, I don't" card or he's going to use the "I want a baby, she doesn't" card.

That's BEFORE what you read on Facebook. Then you read about what he thinks about your daughter. You read everything else he stated, which shouldn't really be news to you except that he's telling another woman that he seems to feel closer to than you.

I'll tell you what I think about him accidentally leaving his FB logged in.... it wasn't an accident. I think he knew he was still logged in and was too much of a wimp to tell you himself so that's how he chose to let you know how he felt. Whatever he has said to you since you confronted him is likely to try to keep you from crying and yelling at him.

Honestly I think he's hoping you'll break up with him so that he doesn't have to do it. The clue is in the FB conversation.... that he said "he is being a p*ssy about breaking up with me because I'm delicate right now from personal stuff and he doesn't want to hurt me."

You and your daughter don't deserve this. Luckily you haven't invested any more than a year and a half in this guy. I'm sorry you found out the way you did, but at least you found out.

Oh, boy. I wonder if he left his FB page open on purpose.

That aside, I think you two are at an impasse about priorities. You want marriage before having a baby with him, he wants a baby to ensure he will get one.

So he is ready for a baby, but not marriage. Both require a committment.

Honestly, I would go to counseling. See if he is "ready" for that or a "pxxxy."

Good luck and remember you and your daughter come first.

My first thought is that he is setting the stage to get this girl to go out with him.

He won't get married unless he KNOWS you're having a baby? A child is a lifetime commitment; if he's not ready for marriage, he's certainly not ready for a baby. It seems to me that he doesn't intend to stay with you unless you get pregnant.

I would not what that type of relationship. I need my hubby to love me above and beyond anything else. If we can't have a baby, then he has to be satisfied with just having a wife. If he's not happy with that, he's no husband material.

I know you have talked by now, but I would suggest that what he's written here is more telling than anything he will say. I'm sure he will say all the right things, but I wouldn't believe it.

I'm sorry, but after reading what he wrote to another woman, I'd be packing his suitcase and have the locks changed before he got home!

Show your daughter that you are strong enough to end something that is not right. If he is already talking to another woman on FB with words that are not really positive towards your relationship, he is potentially setting himself up for something on the side. It's not easy(I've been there), but it seems like in your updated post, that he is backtracking because he got busted. Past behavior, in almost all cases, dictates future behavior. Like the other poster said, what would you suggest if it was your daughter in the same situation. Good luck, it will hurt in the beginning, but there are others out there that will give you what you deserve.

He probably doesn't trust you and you must feel very insecure if you need to read his mail/facebook.

Consider taking a break from each other.....give yourselves a couple of months and take it from there.