Relationship Problems with My Adult Daughter

I am so sorry that your daughter is being like this. I once did the same thing to my parents, but as extrem. I was in abad relationship that was going south very fast. I did not want to admit it and the only people i could take out my angry on was my parent. I knew that at the end of the day no matter how mean i ahd been they would still be there for me. It sounds like you are the same kind of mom. I would guess that there is something going on in her life that she is not ready to tell you about. It is probably easier for her to be mean and distance herselk that admit to what is going on.

keep doing what you are doing. Write her letters if she won't take your calls and send card, prsents to your grandchild.
I hope she comes around soon
A.

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From the moment I started reading about your daughter I couldn't help but wonder if the problem actually lies somewhere else. Could she be taking things out on you when she's actually upset about something else? Is there any chance that she and her boyfriend are having problems? I feel bad for the boyfriend if there's nothing going wrong but I have a best friend who completely shut me out of her life when she was married to a jerk. She treated me strange, she would be rude on the phone and eventually she told me not to call her anymore. It was really weird since I hadn't done anything. After many months of confusion, she called me to let me know she was leaving her husband and he was the reason that she couldn't talk to me. He wouldn't let anyone in her life that he didn't approve of. I won't go in to detail about things that he did to her, but I would suggest that you consider that something else could be causing her rudeness and unreasonable behavior.
Lastly, no matter what the reason for her behavior, I would suggest you write her a letter and tell her how you feel, along with how much you love her. Hopefully she will choose to talk to you again. Good Luck!

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Hi,
I am a 30yo mother of two girls, and to be honest, my relationship with my mother sounds a lot like what you are describing, except I am the daughter.
So I am happy to give you my two cents. I think the first thing that is familiar to me is that you say you don't know why she is mad, and it is a mystery to you. You really need to talk to your daughter, and ask HER what is wrong. Then, let her air her grievances no matter what they are. If they are picky and selfish, so be it. What your daughter is doing is asking you to accept her and love her unconditionally, even when she directs unreasonable anger at you. I know you may think "that's not fair!", but really, if it is all as foolish as you say, she will see that eventually. I really think that being a great mom is about accepting all of your children's emotions and problems, and trying to help them any way you can.
I don't know what is happening with your daughter, but I know that when I had my first child, I was so overwhelmed with the demands of motherhood that I got very angry at my mother, too. Does it make any sense? No, but I could not believe how hard it was. I felt like I was being crushed from every side, and she was just sitting by watching it happen and making small talk about how they were fixing up their house. Sorry, but that frustrated me to no end! Didn't she know, didn't she care? You say your daughter borrowed a lot of money- it seems like she has financial problems in addition to sleepless nights, marriage stress, and 24 hr a day responsibility of parenting.
You say that she was demanding and rude, which she probably was. It seems to me that she is totally overwhelmed with life's many demands on her, and can't handle the smallest requests, which seem like just more demands. She is longing for a time when her life, and her mother, made no demands on her at all to be responsible, but instead were responsible for her. I know she is an adult now, but a young adult at best.
It sounds like you haven't forgiven her for her rudeness. It sounds like you are asking her to have a very mature, balanced perspective on life, which you have right now, but she obviously does not. Again, I say the thing that would help the most would be an opportunity for her to REALLY air her grievances with you (no matter how silly they sound to you)and not judge her for her behavior any more.And for you- listen with youheart,as if you were in her shoes, but don't take her critism to heart. You may just be a much needed release valve for a life under full pressure.
I really hope this helps you both- you have the chance to be the most awsome person for her right now!

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It sounds like you are in a hard position. My recommendation is to write her a very non-threatening letter. You can tell her you love her, and her daughter, and want them in your life. You can ask her to please explain, in a letter possibly, what you have done that is so horrible that she would alienate you from them.
After that, you have to take care of yourself. If you explain yourself, and open up the lines of communication, that's all you can do. Just let her know you are there when she is ready to let you back in.
Unfortunately from that point...it's up to her.
I wish there was an easy answer to your situation. I wish you luck, and I wish you strength.

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V.,
It sounds like you have a very spoiled, self-centered daughter. My husband and I had somewhat similar problems when we had to explain to our adult children that we simply were no longer willing to cook, clean, care for their children, allow them to use our car, etc. We set up some boundaries and explained to them that, although we love them and their children very very much, we deserve to also have our own lives that may not coincide with their schedules and needs. When they need for us to care for their kids, they must ask in advance and we expect them to be back when they say they will - not whenever it is convenient.

If you allow your daughter to take advantage of you, the way it appears she has gotten used to doing, it is a difficult habit to break. You have to stick to your guns and make her understand that you have fulfilled your "obligation" to her by raising her. Now she is a big girl and must accept that you are also entitled to a life of your own - which may differ from what she thinks it should be. Hopefully, once she realizes that you are not going to give in to her unreasonable demands, she will accept you as an independent person, instead of just her Mom. Good luck!

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Assuming she is not just being a spoiled brat or overstressed, it is very possible she has developed a drug/alcohol problem or could be suffering from bipolar disorder (also called manic-depressive disorder). It uually surfaces in adulthood. Both produce profound personality change for the worse. These people often become very rude, overly forthright, mean, illogical and become very hard to deal with. Being as far away as you are, I'm not sure you can assess her condition. Is her behavior only directed at you, or is she more demanding/rude etc. with her partner, children, others? Are you on good enough terms with the partner to discuss her behavior with him? Has her work performance been declining? Does he have any insight or does he feel she is her normal self? Does he agree with her opinions? Being as far away as you are, you may just have to back off. Always send cards and presents; let the family know you still care and are always there, but you may have to stay away. It is often easiest to hurt the people you love, and she is hurting you. You do not deserve to be treated the way she has been treating you. Good luck.

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Something is missing here I think - you do seem to have a lot of rules - the only thing I can say is to make sure your granddaughter is more important than your immaculate house - - - or is it possible your daughter wants/needs the house for her little family and is afraid to ask?

Do you really condone her living out of wedlock? Is that how you raised her? Perhaps she is wanting you to say something to the Boyfriend and you are just pretending everything is all okay....

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V.,
I am so sorry that you are going through this with your daughter. It sounds a little like the relationship my Mother and I had when I was her age. I was mean and rude and pushed her away for no reason on her part. I am the youngest of 3 daughters (now 36) and my Mom was/is a single Mom for over 35 years now. For me, our relationship problems were due to lack of maturity on my part and "what's going on in my life" at the time. I was doing a lot of drugs but my Mom was unaware of this being the reason behind my behavior. My sisters had an idea of what was going on and they, ultimately, helped me get help. I'm not saying that your daughter's problem is b/c she is doing drugs, I just think that you might want to talk to your other daughters and see if they can help w/ some missing information. And if you can, maybe talk to the boyfriend and see if there's something going on there. Also, I would write a letter to her telling her how you feel. Words are so much more powerful when in print and she can't cut you off or blow up at you. She may not read it, but at least you can communicate your concerns fully and hopefully, she'll read it someday. I don't know if any of this helps but I really wanted to share from the perspective of a daughter who has pushed her own Mother away and now has a wonderful relationship with her (after lots of work). It sounds like you have been a wonderful, supportive parent, and that's the best you can do for her!
Take care,
J.

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What a heartbreaking situation you are in. Although I don't have advice for you, I wanted you to know that I agree with you about having boundaries in your home and that your children/grandchildren should respect them.

It can be difficult telling adult children "what to do" when you are trying to keep the peace within the household. It is kind of like a "choose your battle" situation. I have two adult children, one of which just moved home from college. It is odd telling her to "please wash her dishes/put them in the dishwasher instead of just placing them in the sink" or "please keep your bathroom clean as guests use it too", etc. I don't feel I should have to turn my house over to my adult children (just because they are now adults) and let them rule the roost. I find myself worried I'm going to piss them off when I tell them what to do but I feel strongly that if I start letting the little things go, that when they do have children, things would progressively get worse.

I can't imagine being in your situation but it seems you've done all you can to have a relationship with your daughter. Could you possibly write her a letter gently expressing your confusion about why she is angry with you? You could politely address the various issues you have with her and ask her to kindly do the same. Maybe if you let her know the reasons you don't want food in the frontroom or the dogs in the house, etc. she will look at it from your point of view. I would only mention the larger problems so that it doesn't look like a novel of complaints. Sometimes seeing things in writing and having time to absorb their meaning, without the person standing in front of you, makes all the difference in the world. She won't be able to snap at you before you finish your statement. More likely than not, she probably doesn't listen to your reasoning because she is too quick to come back with a sassy response. You could end the letter with reasons she is a wonderful daughter and why you would love to have her in your life. Hopefully she doesn't write a mean letter back, but if you write her that is a chance you would be taking.

I don't know if what I've suggested is an option but please know there are others out there who fully understand your situation.

Good luck to you,
B.

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Hi V.;
I am so sorry to hear that you are having trouble with your adult daughter. I myself am an adult daughter (29 years old) also with a baby. I admit to being moody and cranky with my own mother too at times, but not nearly as severe as the behavior you describe. I can only speak from my own perspective, but sometimes I feel that I can be this way with my mother because she is perhaps the only human being in the world who will have unconditional love and forgiveness for me, no matter what. I can "vent" without worrying whether or not she will still love me or still be around once the venting is over. This makes her an easy outlet for when I am feeling stressed or frustrated, so I try to make a conscious effort to not do that to her. Perhaps this is why your daughter behaves the way she does. She may feel stressed about having a baby, working full time, and having a man who she must support financially, and you may be the only person whom she feels will put up with her venting. Of course this behavior is not right, but this may be the reason. you say she has severe mood swings every few years. Does bi-polar or depression run in your family? have you noticed any other behaviors (like drug or alcohol use) that coincide with the timing of these outbursts? these may be other things to consider.

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V.,

I just wanted to say that I am SO SORRY your daughter is treating you this way! My suggestion is to let her know how you feel (letter or email) and then let go of any expectations of her to apologize. Do all the things you would normally do as far as sending gifts for your grandchildren etc. You can't control her reaction, but you can control how you react. I hope things work out for you- just know that you didn't do anything wrong- it sounds like she has much deeper issues than you and she is using you as a dumping ground for her frustrations and problems. Take good care of your self and let go of the rest.

M.

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My heart really aches for you. It really pull your heart strings and just wonder what in the world.
You have to realize you can't control her. Continue with your boundaries that you have set. Also, hard as it might be, continue loving her. If all else fails, just send her a a card to let her know you are thinking of her or write her a letter stating your feelings and see if you can mend this relationship. Last resort, pray about it. You will be in my prayers.

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You could have been writing the story of my life with my youngest daughter. All I can say to you is that after 32 years I have allowed myself the luxury of letting go. I cannot make her be the loving daughter I wish she were. I cannot fix everything that is wrong in her life. Even though I look at her and see the beautiful loving child that she once was, the fact is that she is now an adult and is how she is. My job is to take care of me and be responsive if she contacts me - be responsive, not give her whatever she wants! I also send cards on special occasions and a gift at Christmas. I email her from time to time but, in general, I let be what is. I cannot change it and I have already shed buckets of tears. They changed nothing. So now, I just let it go. Way easier said than done and it has taken me a lot of years to get to this place but it sure is better than expecting her to be someone she is not and feeling hurt everytime she snubs me or is rude to me. Good luck handling this. Enjoy your other children and grandchildren. You are lucky to have them.

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V., I believe you do know why your daughter was mad. You listed all of the reasons. I imagine she has always been somewhat dramatic, and now that your daughter does seem to be under a lot of stress, you're on the receiving end. I imagine she was hoping she could relax a little when she came to your home, which is not to say when in your home she doesn't have to respect your home. I think you are right to let her cool off.

Continue to send out cards, letters and emails that don't require a response, but give the message that you care. When she is ready to visit, maybe you should go to her. That way you could stay at a motel whenever you needed a break from one another.

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Hello,
WOW- I have a 16 year old daughter going on 17 (my oldest and only daughter, Her brothers are still very young) and I thought I had it bad, She is very demanding, Does not want to do anything around the house, trying to talk to her is like talking to a wall! I have been taking her out on what we call Date Nights! So far tension has eased and yes there is still Drama but the QUALITY time 1 on 1 WORKS or is working. I think this is what brought us a little more peace and a stronger relationship! I'm not sure about how that could work for you being so far apart but If at all it's QUALITY 1 on 1 time that seemed to finally help us, especially with all the other things going on with normal life, We all seem to take for granted the most valuable things in life.
Good Luck. Let me know how things work out. I may be there too in the future! I hope not. God Bless.

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Your boundaries are definitely not too strict and are very reasonable. As a matter of fact, I find it amazing that an adult would have to be told to pick up his/her mess or to keep their dogs outside. It sounds like your daughter has issues in her life that are hers - leave them to her. I really wonder if perhaps she isn't getting into drugs or alcohol. That definitely causes this type of personality change and it also tends to make the person stay away from family and friends. I think you should just give her space. She lives 600 miles away so that should be easy. She'll get in touch with you at some point. In the meantime, I would continue with the gifts/cards to your granddaughter as usual and maybe a card or two to her daughter just to say "hi". that way she knows the lines of communication are still open as far as you are concerned but it doesn't give her an opportunity to treat you poorly.

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Hi V.,

I have not experienced this but I have seen my mother-in-law make up problems about her mother and sister just so that she would fit in with her husband. She frequently blows up at or gossips about how horrible they are just so that she has a poor family situation in common with her husband.

I wonder if your daughter is reacting to experiences that her boyfriend has with his family. Or, maybe she is having problems with her boyfriend because they are not married. Or, maybe she is just being a brat because she doesn't think anyone cares for her enough.

The only thing I know is that eventually kids come around. They decide that they want or need their momma and will come back to where they are safe.

I hope this helps.

D.

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When I was about 25 (single and without kids) I remember wanting to establish my own life and part of that was breaking away from my mom. For instance, I lived about 120 miles away and it bugged me that I had to call after the drive from her house to my house to let her know that I had made it. A lot of things bugged me about my mom and I felt that I knew more than my mom, had a different life, etc. Now I'm 46, married with 2 kids and there is no need to prove myself, etc.

So I'm wondering if what's going on has more to do with your daughter's maturity and age than anything that you are doing or not doing.

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Hello V., I almost want to say I need to hear your daughter's side. But assuming you haven't left anything out, I would just say if you felt you have done all you can do, then just let it go. I am 54 years old with a Mom. I see too many adults who behave like 2 year olds. They don't know how to fight maturely. They don't know how to say their piece and then let it go. Bottom line, their communications skills are zip and their conflict resolution skills a big fat zero. At this point in your life, try to enjoy people who bring you joy. Obviously, your daughter is not of those kinds of people right now. D.

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There's a really great book by Deborah Tannen called "You're Wearing That?" It talks about communication between mothers and daughters. It might be helpful for both of you to read.

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Yikes. Your daughter is definitely being unreasonable. There are a lot of possibilities as to why. Maybe her boyfriend is a bad influence. Maybe she has a mental health problem. Maybe she has a drug problem (the borrowing of money makes me wonder about that). Maybe she dislikes your husband, and she's drawing you into that. Maybe she's just in a really nasty phase. Unfortunately, you can't control these issues.

I suppose it's possible that if you were a "buddy parent" growing up, your daughter may have trouble with having rules set for her for the first time. I can't tell from your post if that's the case. Even if it is, what's done is done; she needs to understand that now there are rules. Hold your ground about the things that matter (like not letting dogs pee on your floor). Point out that the rules are the same for everybody, not special restrictions on her.

I think the idea of talking to your other daughters is a good one, but it has to be handled carefully. Something like, "I am really troubled by the way X is behaving. I get the impression that she's very angry at me. I really want to have a good relationship with her, like I do with you. Do you have any idea why she is behaving like this?" You probably should avoid "all the moms in my moms group say this" type of statements, because that usually just makes people feel like they're being ganged up on.

If your daughter has a drug problem, you may want to talk to a counselor about the best way to approach her. You must keep yourself safe.

The thing you can control is your own behavior, and it sounds like you are trying to stay firm and keep a cool head while still loving her. That's the best thing. I really hope you can mend this relationship, but please remember that a lot of the work is on her side. If she's not ready to do it, don't take it as a failure on your part. Just do what you can and be ready for her to come back to you.

Best of luck!

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Two things I noticed about your request and that is #1 you said "her and her little family" and #2 "her and her man"
I'm questioning how you feel about your daughters situtation & relationship with the boyfriend. How did you feel when you found out is was having a baby and not married. And how do you feel about the boyfriend? Are you upset that your daughter has to work and the boyfriend gets to stay home? What happened a year ago that triggered something. Perhaps something was said in a negative way. Think about it.
In the mean time keep sending cards & gifts. Cuz if you don't, it only gives her something else to complain about.

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Hi V.,

It sounds to me that your daughter is adjusting to some difficult changes and is having trouble sorting herself out without dumping on others.

She's still really young and probably has a lot to learn. I think it's really good that you're setting boundaries. You are being a good role model, in my opinion, and I think you are setting the best example for the rest of the adults in the home to follow by establishing those firm boundaries.

Hang in there. The rest of them will catch up. Keep the faith and stick to your guns!

All the best,
M.

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V.,

Calm Down. You are really angry and upset, and you have that right as your daughter is treating you very badly. She is obviously not happy with her own life and she also sounds like a spoiled brat. She needs someone to take it out on and you are her target.

Limit your time with her immediately and let her fend for herself. She needs to be rid of the "boyfriend" and never bring her dogs to your house. That's why there are Kennels available for a fee. If she can't/won't pay the fee - just let her know her dogs are not welcome in the future.

Why do you even ask other people's advise when you know in your heart what to do. EXCLUDE her a few times. If she wants a relationship she will some to you. You can always have a relationship with her children without including your daughter.

Sorry to be so blunt, but your story just broke my heart.

Patti B

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Hello! My sister and my father have been going through something similar to this for about 5 years now. With my sister I believe what happened is she is making choices that are very contrary to what our family believes and has valued. No one in our family has ever judged her, but I think the guilt she feels, makes her angry and she takes it out on him. She also is letting things that bothered her when we were younger blow up into huge life altering things. It is very hard!

I would unfortunately disagree with those who suggest you use the other silings to help you. Being the other sister, it is so frustrating to be stuck in the middle. AS her sisterI love her and have a good relationship and can tell her how silly Ithink she is being, but it's hard to hear your parent saying "can you believe your sister did ____?" or "can you help me understand why she is doing this?" It asks us to break that special bond that siblings share. My sister and I aren't that close, because we led such different lives for a very long time, but there is always a shared bond that means as a sister I can say things to her that if anyone else said them, she would get mad. You can ask siblings to intervene and risk that. I would say to them, I am concerned about your sister, but I don't want to put you in the middle, please promise me that if there is anything I can do that you will tell me. I think that's a very easy thing to do, and I send my dad little tidbits to help him do something kind and show my sister that no matter what he loves her.

Now that my sister is older and married she is starting to come around. Unfortunately all those hurts come from somewhere and it takes a lot of humility and getting rid of your pride to make it better. She has to be willing to do that. I say just keep being cordial, but don't engage in fights with her. Good Luck! I think patience is the key and you have to remember these are her choices, not yours. You have no control!

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Hi V.,
I'm very sorry about your situation. It sounds from what I've read that maybe your daughter isn't happy with her life situation. It is true that we door take out our frustrations on the ones closest to us. I think this is a sign. It sounds like the husband\father needs to be doing more for the family than he is. Sounds like your daughter needs some R&R and some pressure/stress taken off of her. She's got the world on her shoulders. Her husband maybe needs to be working and helping support the family. Your daughter isn't in control of this and she seems to be taking out her frustrations on you. Maybe because she thinks it's happened once, it will happen again. Seek help from a couselor to see how best to handle the situation. I think you've done more than enough. Bless you for trying, but it's not your fault for her stress. Love her and stand by her, but don't let her dump on you anymore.

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Wow, your daughter needs to get a hold of herself. I think at times we may all feel like acting like that. Sounds like she has no respect for you and that is difficult. I won't even begin to consider the issues that may be spurring this is her life. I think all you can do is take your love for her to the Lord, give her to God. He will handle it. I mean get up everyday and give her and the situation over to God. I find when there is an issue with someone in my life and I am getting angry myself, I pray for them. Pray and watch.
T.

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Hi V., Your boundaries are indeed reasonable. She is obviously going through something and is afraid you will be able to detect what it is so she is being hard on you. It sounbds to me like she may be in an abusive relationship where she is being forced to alienate everyone from her life. I would write her letter telling her you don't appreciate the way she is treating you and that it won't be tolerated but that you love her and are there for her if she needs you. She only needs to ask. Explain to her that since you are getting older it is more difficult for you to hasndle the decorating and handling the big celebrations so perhaps she and her siblings can take over and ypou can come to their place.

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Wow! I have a feeling that something is going on in your daughters life that she is not sharing with you. That old saying that we always hurt the one we love, she can take out her anger and frustration on you and know that you will still love her. She probably can't do that with her spouse, and is directing it at you, even though you are not the problem.
I don't know what you can do, but I think I would write her a letter telling her how you feel, that you miss her and love her very much. Try and explain to her what you said to us, that you are trying to get the home ready for sale, and if she is feeling that she or her child was somehow picked on, that wasn't your intention.

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Hello V.,
I don't honestly think you did anything wrong. It sounds like your daughter is severly unhappy, and she is projecting it onto you. She is so mad at you over such petty things. She comes to visit your home, she is rude, and treats you badly. She does'nt like the gifts you give her, and is irritated. She has no respect or self control. Her children have no discapline. The fact that you are in poor health, and your fixing up your house to sell it. She should understand. It sounds to me like your daughter is a spoiled brat, and immature. She does not care about you, and she takes you for granted. Everyone has fallen on hard financial times right now. You should write your daughter a letter. Because all she does is get angry, and scream in your face when you talk to her. Tell her you love her. But if she does'nt want to be part of your life you accept it.
that is really all you can do. Hopefully she will realise that it's not you that she is angry with it's herself. I should know I do the same thing to my husband sometimes. I hope this helps, keep the faith.

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I am no expert, but it seems like your daughter has issues that don't have anything to do with you. She doesn't sound like a happy woman...If you start to compromise your ethics and your integrity to have her in your life you will be more miserable than you are without her. Be yourself, keep your ethics and integrity in tact and she will find herself. Or she won't and you can make your choices as time goes on. the situation may be temporary. She is young and not yet able to deal with all that comes along in life. Give her time. But in the meantime, hold your ground in terms of what you MUST have in your life and keep loving her even if it is from afar.

Take care of yourself.

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You are doing well. You may not feel like it, understandably, but you are right to have simple boundaries due to your age, and just the fact that they should think of you and your husband with respect. She may be mad because "home" was the one place she could come and not have any cares. It is time for her to see that you are human, too, and actually have needs and limitations. Now that you have already demonstrated unconditional love to her, you are demonstrating having boundaries. This will be good for her to learn for her own life. Just keep sending your love to her and have faith she will come around when she realizes you are not responsible for her hardships in life. Just like when she was little, you can't depend on your kids to be your best friends, cause you will always be the mom. So keep doing what you need to take care of yourself and have a good life with your husband, and explore hobbies and passions. Keep in contact with her. J.

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V., I am so sorry you are going through this as well as so many others that have expressed their sympathy. I am a 32 year old with a daughter and a pretty good relationship with my mother. We have our small issues but we are almost always able to talk them out. I also think there is something underlying going on in your daughter's life that she is taking out on you. Did you ever find out what the large sum of money was used for? I, unfortunately, tend to wonder when people all of the sudden do something drastic and their mood changes...they might be into something such as drugs or alcohol. I'm only suggesting this due to what I've seen in my life and family. Of course it could be today's hard economy and she's really struggling with finances. I would think if it was that she would have taken the offer of money at Christmas rather than specific gifts.
What ever is going on in her life, I would suggest to you that you do call every once in awhile but continue to send cards and whatever you feel you're able to do. The grandchildren are very important and you definitely don't want to loose your bond with them. Don't change your ways or compromise your views regarding your home because then when that doesn't make her happy you won't have gained anything. I would even put it out there that you're concerned with her and want to know what is going on. You can't change her but you can still be her Mom. If she's a dramatic person she might just be wanting attention? Maybe even suggest coming to visit her and see what she does with it. I wish you the best and the sooner it is resolved the better for everyone.

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Hi V.,

I found your question particularly interesting. Most of the time we hear from those on the other side of this concern - the adult children asking 'what can I do about my mother?'.

You sound like a mom her loves her daughter very much. There's no great way to say this, except, I would -suspect- your daughter thinks you aren't listening to her and are too much in the middle of how she is running her family - not in a day to day way - more of a 'you should do it this way' kind of a thing. Please do not misunderstand me. I'm saying I suspect she -feels- this way, not that you -are- this way, (although it could be true, I don't know).

My suggestion: Stop everything altogether for at least a month. No contact at all. Then send her a greeting card with as little writing as possible (zero would be better), nothing guilt inducing, just light and cheerful...Give her a chance not only to 'cool down', but to re-group and want to talk. Until she has the patience (caused by life in general, not an implication of the status of your relationship with her), and desire to talk, pushing her will only make it worse.

Above all else, V. -- she is an adult who is responsible for her own decisions. You raised her to do that. Let her. (NOT about your household rules, however - that's your house.)

Good luck - -She knows you love her. Now give her time to appreciate -you-.
K.

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Dear V.,
When I read your note, what really stood out for me is that your daughter is AFAID! The changes that you are making...wanting everyone to clean up after themselves, keeping the dogs off the rug, etc., are indications that you are getting older, and getting older means that you are going to die someday, as all of us do! I think the thought of losing you is more than she can handle, and so she's pushing you away.

Perhaps if you challenged her by telling you that she's afraid, you will catch her attention and curiosity and then you can talk to her. Otherwise, you might try writing her a note...just keep it simple! I think she needs to be reassured that while you are making some changes in your life, your health is OK (if that's true), and that your love for her and her siblings has not changed a bit!

. I'm a 60 year old mother of 5 and grandmother of 6, with one on the way!

Sincerely, A. K.

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well just a thought or two. I have seen my brother think some of the things you are hearing from your daughter to my mom and happened after he got older. I think in my opinion with him his life sucks and he isnt happy and even a little depressed and instead of taking responsibility for his life decisions it is easy to blame my mom for everything bad. My guess is your daughter isnt happy in her own life and miserable and sees you happy and will do anything to make your life hell and miserable too. all these years she knows how to push your buttons. Thje only thing i can suggest is to write her a long letter expressing your sadness and loss you are feeling and let her go to do her things....keep sending your grandaughter things letting her know you are here for her but step back from your daughter. and if she comes around and asks for help and tries to be nice say no. she probably needs some help maybe counseling to deal with her anger and possible resentments which she might be feeling about her boy friend and not you.....hope you find some peace

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Oh Gosh I am going to sound like my mother but here it is...."Who is the parent here?!!" You are alllowing her to hurt your feelings because you are so worried about hers. Sure as a mother you want to make sure your children are safe and ok all the time however there is a respect issue I feel may be lacking. It seems as though and i could be wrong about all of this that you established a relationship with her when she was young as "friends" and not as mother and child....now she is older and perhaps you are trying but still worried about over stepping, etc.. I think you need to be the parent but let her know its becuase you feel you have lost that role and not because you have a newer husband. Most children don't like when their parents change when they remarry and end up resenting the parent. I did this to my mom for years when i was younger. I feel terrible for it now. My suggestion would be to gain your control as a parent as you have, not worry about wether she "likes" you right now or not, let her know you'll always be there if she needs anything however you will not tolerate what is going on in perhaps a letter and/or talk to her siblings to see how they are feeling and if this is true for the daughter in question. I wish you luck!! Please don't be sensitive to this all and just have faith that when things come around they will.

I do have to say perhaps her significant other has things to say about you too which has jaded your daughter...at this point there is nothing you can do because for whatever reason she already trusts his opinion more than her family. Some people are blinded by love and don't see their partners are threatened by their closeness with other family members/jealousy. I don't know your relationship with him at all but something to think about.

I am sorry you are going through this...it would break my heart. I Hope it turns around soon!! :)

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Hello V.,

It sounds like your daughter has something going on in her life and she is taking out her frustration on you. Continue to love her even if she doesn't respond right away. It is hard to stay mad at someone who is nice to you. Another option is you can write her a letter telling her what you are feeling, ask what it is that you've done wrong and ask for forgiveness for what ever it is that has made her angry. Let her know that you are there for her if she needs you and leave it up to her on how she wants to respond. Keep in mind this may not have anything to do with you. She may be going through a struggle of her own and is taking it out on you because you are an easy target. People do crazy things because they have feelings and don't understand them or don't know what to do with them.

Your boundaries sound reasonable to me. I find that people who do not have boundaries expect others to be just as they are. You have a right to ask people in your home to respect your home. When my son was young, I told him to behave when he was at other peoples homes or he wouldn't be invited back. There were several of his friends that were only invited over to our house one time. I was a single parent working full time, I had my hands full with one child. I didn't have the time or the money to take on the parenting role for someone else.

I respect what you are going through and I can relate. I didn't talk to my parents for three years after my mother repeatedly refused to respect the things I asked of her. My mother had the belief that time heals all things but it doesn't. Sometimes only a genuine, sincere apology will fix a wrong. Some people will always be selfish and self centered, they will expect you to accept them and their behavior as they are. I've learned that there is nothing I can do to change someone, sometimes I just have to love them from a distance.

I highly recommend the book "Boundaries" written by Dr Henry Cloud and Dr John Townsend. I've recommended this book many times because it really changed my life. I don't feel guilty when I ask people to respect my boundaries. I don't feel guilt when someone is going through a hard time because of choices they have made. I believe I can help them grow as a person when I say "no". I know what is my responsibility and what isn't and there is a peace that comes from that. I will gladly help someone who will appreciate the hand but don't feel guilty if I can't.

I hope this information helps.

L. Frost

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Thanks for sharing., sorry about your pain. From what you have said I believe that your daughter is taking it out on you. And what is she taking out ? The fact that she believes that she is not living up to her expectation of what a good mom is. She had a great mom in you, and she feels she can't make the same grade. Very disappointing for her. Maybe its because she wants to be married and isn't, only she knows.

I disagree with nearly everyone how says tell her how you feel. Don't. Its not about you! She already knows how you feel. Its about her, so my suggestion is that you don't talk about yourself. When you talk to her, don't even ask a question, just praise her. Tell her how proud you are of her, that you believe she is doing a great job as a mom, that she is wonderful balancing work and home, and how you look up to her. That's it. No questions about anything because no matter what you say, its another bone of contention that she can pick up and use against you.

Do you have a relationship with your de fact o son-in-law. Well, call him when he's at home, and again don't ask questions, not even "how are you". Call him and listen. Tell him what a wonderful dad he is to his child and how you admire him. That's it.

Do speak to you other daughters but again don't ask a single question about your other daughter. You might mention you are concerned for her, leave it at that, and see what response you get. Mention to them how you admire your other daughter for what she does, not a word of disapproval. Only make statements, not questions. Its actually really hard to do, but they need to come to you to let them know of their concerns.

I have 3 kids, and I pray that I still a good relationship with all of them when I am older too!
Regards
P.

Good for you to establish boundaries in your own home. I am 35 and have seen my sister and brother really disrespect the parents. But after a few years of my stepmother saying over and over again that she couldn't host gatherings at their house, because of the cost, and the cleanup, my sibs got the picture. In fact, my brother is invited so few times there that he has taken it personally. But, on the positive side, now my brother who has the biggest home of all the family has hosted gatherings at his house much more. This means he knows how exhausting it is. So good for everyone!

I think sibs should voluteer to juggle hosting of gatherings at special events so each will appreciate what it takes to keep the home nice and host people and have fun.

Conclusion is that since parents are seen as the givers by children (even at the adult stage), give the kids the giving status. Rotation is key so everyone has to host. Appreciation only comes when we put ourselves in the other's place.

As a side note, my parents had to move out of there house, due to financial strain, and are now in a smaller condo. So this was also a wake up call to the family.

T

It sounds like your daughter is going through a personal crisis and is taking it out on the one who was probably the most understanding of her. You can't doubt yourself. All you can do is continue sending a card when you always did, for her and your granddaughter, and pray that she will work out whatever it is that she is going through. And as for your rules in your own home, it is your home and I certainly wouldn't feel bad about them. Prayer works wonders. I have prayed for my children and I will always pray for them. God never stops being our father and we never stop being their parents.

Take care of you,
K.

Dear V.,

It sounds like your daughter and your family has really been stressed. I need to tell you to really pray and expect an answer. Also, in everything you do--do in love. My daughter and I were always close also, and the ending was very bad.

I'll be praying for you.

Your friend, D.

Hi V.,

Sorry to hear it. Sounds so painful. I wonder if she's medicating in some way, self-prescribed or otherwise? Can you speak to her husband about it? write her a letter asking what she needs from you to open the lines of communication, express your feelings, etc?

Keep getting the support you need to take care of you.
R.