Relationship Issue

Its is ashame that he has accused you of something as serious as cheating and even more so that he does not believe you when you tell him you didn't. Unfortunately, this is much more than an isolated incident. Rather, it is evident of an entire trust issue that should be seriously addressed before you go any further. Because of this trust issue you can guarantee that this won't be the last time he accuses you of something like this. And, if he doesn't believe you there is nothing you can do. He'll believe what he wants to believe leaving you in a constant defensive stance in the relationship. That is no way to enter a marriage, no way to exist in a marriage.

The trust issue may just be the icing on the cake. You might want to consider some couples therapy before taking the plunge. If you invest the time and effort now building a solid foundation, your chances of a successful marriage are much greater!

Best of luck to you!

D.

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H., my advice to you is to REMEMBER that whatever issues you deal with in "pre-marriage", will come back to you ten-fold in marriage. In other words, if he is jealous and doesn't trust you NOW, that will only worsen when you do get married. And what is the issue with him anyway? To be quite frank (I haven't had my coffee yet, and I get real honest when that happens) I think that when people react to a situation in an "odd" or "off base" way that they wouldn't "normally" do...that raises red flags. In other words, why does he feel you should have "reacted" in a certain way to begin with? Did a former girlfriend or wife cheat before? Is he a former cheater? Is his brother a former cheater?

H., is this type of drama you want in your life (and MORE IMPORTANTLY THE LIVES OF YOUR CHILDREN) for the rest of your life with this guy? Because behaviors like this just increase over time with marriage. Trust me on this one.

Either way, it's HIS issue, not yours....only your issue because you are his fiance....but really his issue. Get counseling for it, or tell him to get counseling and then let him know you are moving past this....then LET IT GO and resume your life. If he chooses not to, then it's HIS problem!

Okay, now going for my coffee....

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You told him the truth. The truth ALWAYS sorts itself out - either way.

Quite frankly my knee-jerk reaction is that he is trying to find a way out of your relationship and here is his opportunity. If he is willing to walk away from you over something that did not happen, then there is his easy out.

The only comforting words that need to be said is NO, I did not sleep with your brother. After that, nothing else should be said. Really, end of conversation. Move on to the next topic.

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Trust is a main component of a marriage and if your fiance doesnt trust you now, he never will. I would be on the defensive too because you are defending yourself against his accusations. Tell him once and for all that you have not done anything wrong and if he cannot accept that then the future marriage will be in jeopardy from day one. It does not matter if he doesnt trust his brother, he should believe YOU when you tell him that you have not cheated on him with his brother. Jealousy and mistrust do not belong in a good marriage. If you love that person, you will not be jealous and you will trust them. Sit down with him and lay everything on the table now before you get married.

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If anyone you cared about made an accusation of cheating, of course you would take it seriously. But now that he has heard from you that isn't the case and is still bringing it up, something else is going on. "I was just joking" behind serious accusations, then turning it around so that you somehow feel guilt -- all the warning signs need to go off in your head because if this continues you will not have a happy life or outcome, He is either a)extremely insecure and is bringing the baggage of unreasonable distrust and/or jealousy into the relationship. b)Enjoys playing mind games, which is abusive (let's see how high I can make her jump) or c)he is having an affair himself; men who are often accuse their spouses/girlfriends of having one, as though that justifies their own bad behavior. Washing a blanket aroused suspicion? Huh? Why are you even trying to justify such ridiculous reasoning? Consider going for couples counseling before you get married. Just to be sure you are headed in the right direction.

hi H. tuff boat but in my years, a cheater acusses others of cheating.....period... his suspishion(sp) comes from his own guilt...and if this thing is happening now it is probably a precurser to what it is going to be after marriage.....I would say let it go and then let him go...if you dont have trust,,,you dont have anything

Dear H., sounds like your fiance and his brother have some unresolved past history. Do you really think he would have acted any different had you laughed it off? Trust is a big foundation for marriage, so by him accusing you sounds like maybe he wants out and is looking for a reason. Don't let him make you question who you are, he is the one with a problem. maybe its better you know now rather then after the wedding. If you don't want to end this relationship then seek counseling before you take the next big step. He has just shown you what is below the surface of his relationship with family. I would ask him why he is accusing you and not talking to his brother! This kind of behavior will only get worse with time, if he will not go for help then you should probably rethink your future. Good luck and don't let him make you the scapegoat for his insecurities. E.

Dear H.,
There are a couple of things you could look at. 1. Is he the cheating type, most people accuse others of cheating when they are doing the cheating.(Not to put things in your head but look at the possibility) 2. Look at his birth sign, there is a lot going on with a lot of people, their worlds seem turned upside down and inside out and everything is crazy. Virgos in particular are going through hell and they will be for 2 more years! (I know, I am one!) 3. Does he know of your feelings of dislike about his brother? If not tell him-gently. I can understand why you would react the way you did, especially if it is absurd. Unfortunately psychologically that is exactly how you should not have reacted. In order to smooth this over I simply suggest you sit down with him alone, uninteruped and ask him calmly why he thinks that you cheated. Sort of turn the tables and ask him the questions, have him tell you how he feels. Today things seem like they are spiraling out of control, tomorrow will be better. If he is a good guy and loves you, you'll be fine. Pray and give it to God, it always works and always helps.

Dear H.,
I'm truly sorry you were faced with this situation, but.....to me, it's a good thing that happened now instead of when you choose to get married. It seems to me that your intended should trust your word AT ALL TIMES. If he doesn't, then "kick him to the curb". You don't have to have a man in your life to complete yourself.
Fondly,
C.

Sounds like you and he may need to do some premarital counseling before you make it permanent. Jealousy issues when there is no reason to be is often signs of an abuser in the making(I am not saying this is the case for you but be aware of other signs).

H.,

been there, done that. my ex was just like that, it was as if everything was a test. only he never told me it was a test, and if i failed he got angry. your boyfriend sounds like he is very insecure and immature. love means you trust. get couseling or get out.

this is a link to a couple that have a "ministry" for families, i reccommend you read the articles.

http://www.nogreaterjoy.org/index.php?id=1

E.

Hi H., I would just like to say that I can relate to your situation,because I was married to a man that constantly accused me of cheating as well. What I found out though was it was him doing the cheating and because of his insecurities, he would blame me. I was accused of cheating when I went to the grocery store one time for 3 hours. I was using cupons and compareing prices and I had 2 of our children with me,yet he thought I was cheating regardless of the children being with me,because he said it doesn't take 3 hours to buy groceries.He also thought that when I went into labor with our youngest son,that it was not time for the baby to come yet because it was not the date the doctor gave us as the due date. I actually went into labor a week and a half early. Does this kin of help? Just remember that know matter how much you love this man,if you are planning to get married, make sure there is trust and confidence in the relationship or the relationship will eventually fail. Talk to him about his feelings and ask him why he made this accusition towards you. It may not have been you, but it could have been a previous problem with his brother having a relationship with one of his girlfriends in the past.Make sure you are not defencive about it but willing to talk about it and schedule some time aside for just you and him alone, so that you both feel you are getting the attention you want from each other and it will help build the confidence on both sides.

I suggest to show him this post that you typed up and definitely reassure him at least once or twice a week that he is the ONLY guy for you! I kinda need that from my hubby - he doesn't say stuff like that nearly enough but when he does I feel so much closer to him and love him more and feel more loved by him.

Talk to him about how you feel about him.

Talk to him about how you feel about being with any other man - especially his brother.

Pray together - or work on getting there!

No. You have every right to defend yourself. Cheating is NOT a laughing matter? I would be offended too. When someone stays at the house, it's NORMAL to wash linens, etc after they use them.

Did his BROTHER mention something that aroused suspicion?? Sometimes, guys are so stinkin' stupid and want to make people THINK something happened. Doesn't your fiance KNOW how you feel about his brother?

On the other hand.......if he doesn't trust you now.....what makes you think he'll trust you in the marriage? Ask a counselor. They'll flat our tell you that this can cause a WHOLE LOT of friction in the marital relationship. Suspicion, even if there is NO evidence or hasn't happened...can RUIN a relationship. I'm not sure that I'd want to live with that for the rest of my life.

Has he spoken to his brother? Is his brother the type to stir up trouble? He thinks you cheated on him because you defended yourself in not cheating on him and didn't laugh it off?

This sitaution is likely to get worse before it gets better, if it gets better. Dr. Phil would suggest "what you fear, you create"...meaning if he's so afraid you'll cheat on him, he's going to look for signs until he "finds it". You'll be on the defensive and might actually consider it - "If he thinks I'm guilty and I'm paying the price now, might as well do it - already being treated that way anyway...". Not saying you ever did or would or would even consider it.

You guys need to have a long talk about things - why he feels the way he does, why you feel the way you do, and see if you can reach some sort of understanding or way around this. It could be some relationship he had in the past turned out that way and you're paying the price for whatever misdeeds the last person did to him. (Code: He's insecure.)

If nothing you're doing is of any consolation - he can't be reassured that you have no interest in his brother whatsoever and would never cheat on him, etc. etc. etc. - then consider turning him loose and chalk if up to "better to find out now then after we're married." If this issue goes unresolved and you go ahead and get married - you'll be having this argument for many years to come.

it sounds like he has security, trust and perhaps commitment issues. how far off is the wedding? if it's looming, he may have second thoughts and be looking for a way to get out of it without losing face. if he has trust issues, then there's nothing you can do about it. he may wish to seek counsiling. if he has security issues, then he may want to work on building up a better self image.
another idea (i'm brainstorming here, sorry) is that he may be the one cheating and is trying to stave off suspicion by accusing you. i've seen it happen.
anyway, i hope that whatever it is, you both can overcome it and your relationship become stronger for it.
for what it's worth, i think he's over reacting, given what account you have. washing one blanket one time is not enough to justify suspicion. perhaps his self image is so low that he expects you to want something more. perhaps his brother has stolen a previous girlfriend.
my best advice is to not let go of the issue and talk it though!

H., you have got your hands full. Trying to raise two children and attending college. You are not the one with the problem, he is. Your fiance is extremely insecure and selfish. Dont take this upon yourself. If he will listen, tell him once and for all you love him, would never cheat in a relationship (and only an idiot would cheat with their fiance's brother) and am very hurt by his mistrust. Tell him if he wants the relationship to work he will drop it now. H., he has a real character flaw. You have to decide if you want to marry such a man. After all you have children that come first in your life. Show him this email if you like. My advice, if he doesn't drop it, run for the hills.
K

H.,

Is he really serious about thinking that you have cheated or is he just joking around? Unfortunatly sometimes people tend to harp on something once they find out that you are sensitive about it. Also, I would ask him what possible reasons besides being defensive that he would have for your cheating?

Especially because you are not married yet, I would use this as a window of oportunity for you to assess if this is the best choice for you, especially if accusations like this are to continue thru the relationship.

Good luck,
S.

I've been on both sides of the track there. I've been the accuser and the accusee.
See my fiance and I had hit heads several times. In the beginning, due to the fact that he has made it quiet clear that certain woman aren't his type, and I was one of the ones that were on the list some way or another. Yet, he would tell me he loves me and he believes that we're soul mates and that we belong together. So than I felt lost and confused. I caught him online talking to other women which at the time wasn't a whole big deal to me, due to the fact that I talked to guys online. They were part of my life before he came along. And most of them were JUST FRIENDS. And that's how I saw it with him and the girls he'd talk to. Until one day he was at work and signed on, not expecting me to know or something. He than started talking to one of my old alias' and was hitting on it. Not knowing it was me. So I thought, hmmmm...lets see what he says...so I went along with it so far. Kinda bothered and hurt about some of the things he said, "I confronted him, using my alias he knew." He denied the fact that he was even chatting with anyone...yet I knew better. So more frustrated I got. When he came home, I approached him cool, confident and collected and asked him to come check something out on the computer, so he did...I showed him that the alias he was confiding and flirting with and tried to make a date with was me. He looked and said, "OH, UH, I'm Caught!" I shook my head and was crying. But we talked about it calmly. I asked him if he wanted me to leave so he can smooth things out. He begged me to stay and be with him and he'll change. Yet after that my suspicions with him and other women grew, especially when he had to switch jobs and I over heard him one day on the phone talking about some chick he can't wait to see again at his work and that they need more stripper like women around. My heart shattered. So, than I became very jealous and mean. And he has done the same with me, he convinced me that he didn't want me to work because I should focus on my kids and him first before deciding anything like that. And I believed him. And I know deep in my heart he hasn't cheated on me physically, but emotionally and mentally I do Believe he has..And that I believe hurts more than anything. So I do know where your coming from. And I know where your fiance is coming from. To resolve it ask him, "How would you feel if I accused you of someone in my family that you CAN'T Stand?" And ask him, "If you can't trust your brother, than why is he here?" And than ask him, "what you can do to make him feel at ease? or what you can do so he won't think that anything is going on between you two?"

Everyone's said the same things I would have, except for one-- laughing would not have made it better. My ex accused me of cheating on him because I had gone out to lunch with a co-worker (to give him advice on his girlfriend, ironically) and I seriously thought that he was joking so I laughed. That didn't work out much better for me.

H.,
Just use my comments as "food for thought"--I'm not a psychiatrist. But I have lived with a very jealous husband for 24 years.
There are a few lines of thought to be considered and evaluated (by you) in order to be crossed off of your "I've done the best that I can do from my side of this issue" list.
1. It has been said that some people "project" their thoughts and opinions or way of thinking onto others. Which basically means (to the best of my understanding)that if my husband sees me in a particular kind of situation (for example-like your situation of being in the house all day-alone with his brother)---to be continued in next response. (ran out of room)

Well i guess my first question is how did the conversation come up to begin with? If he outright accused you and you got defensive then i most certainly understand where you are coming from, i would get pissed too, and if that is the case then sit him down and talk to him, tell him that you were surprised and hurt that he would even jokingly say something like that, explain to him that you got defensive not out of guilt but out of the simple fact that he would even think such a thing of you. on the other hand if he was just making a joking passing comment and you blew up, while he might have been out of line i understand his concern with your reaction, so just try to explain to him that you didn't think he was joking and were taken aback by the whole thing and that you might have over reacted but that you love him and would never do that to him, hopefully he's willing to listen. good luck.

First of all, I'm sorry to hear you are being accused of cheating. Your fiance says he doesn't trust his brother but he doesn't trust you either. I think you shouldn't comfort him at all. If your word and honesty isn't enough, then what will be enough? I don't think you should be jumping through hoops for him every time he cries "cheater". I'd talk with him and tell him how hurt you were he accused you and even more so when he didn't honor your word. He needs to believe in you and trust you. Without trust, there isn't love. Best of luck to you dear H..

M.

Dear H.,
This is a huge RED FLAG, and you can be sure that it will happen again.
I would really hesitate big time to marry such a guy.

This is a late response because my computer was down and I just got it back together again.

I hate to say this, H., but he who casts rocks usually has a guilt complex or is very controling. I am kind of a vicious wench. I would wash blankets every time I was home for a day just to prove a point if it wasn't such a pain in the neck to wash blankets.

I would have defended myself but I would have also asked him why in the world he would think I thought that little of myself or of him to do such a thing in the first place.

You may have to try to talk him into going to a counselor and get some outside help to get to the bottom of this issue. It may be that somewhere in the past he lost a girlfriend to his brother. Sounds like he has some security issues regarding his relationship with you.

Reassuring him you love him is a good thing. Being abused by him suggesting you are cheating on him is another.

I will keep you in my prayers.

P. R

It's his issue. The more you defend yourself the guiltier you look.Remind him that he may not trust his brother but he should trust you. Maybe he has washed that blanket for the same reason he thinks you did. You've heard the old saying the pot calling the kettle black. think about it.

to me it sounds like your finance has trust issues period! He probably has been hurt by someone in the past (whether his mom, dad, brother, or previous girlfriends, etc..) I don't know your situation but he seems like he needs to face whatever it is that is still bothering him.. maybe he needs to talk to his brother about some stuff! It isn't fair to you though. He sounds like he is very insecure.... he really needs to work on some stuff and it sounds like he is pusing you away. Since you love him so much, just be there for him and let him know you're there if and when he needs to talk to someone. Try to see past this one issue and look at the bigger picture, good luck!

My first question would be has he ever cheated on you? most accusers accuse because they are doing it and assume you are doing it too. Secondly did his brother possibly say something that would give him that idea? Thirdly have you ever cheated on him before? I just don't understand about the whole blanket thing, so what, now if that is the only thing you did okay maybe, but you stated you had cleaned the house so obviously it wasn't just the blanket. You know and no matter how much you love him if there are problems like this now, it is only going to get worse. No relationship can last without trust and if something this little sets him off what if something bigger would happen like someone you work with calls you or you have lunch or dinner with someone you work witheven if it is business. If he has trust issues from his growing up years maybe his mom or dad was a cheater or his brother took one of his girlfriends than maybe he should consider counseling. If there is nothing like that or the above that has happened I would be very careful with this relationship. Believe me it is not fun living with an accuser and things can get pretty ugly and you end up resenting the person even more everytime they accuse you falsely. I have been there and my situation got so bad that if I didn't want to have sex with him because I was on my period he would make me remove my hygien item so he could check that I wasn't lying or trying to hide seemen from someone else and I never cheated on him but he was definitaley cheating on me. Just be careful and definately take a good look at this relationship.

I would just explain that I got defensive because even if it was a joke the one thing that I would never want him to worry about was my loyalty. Honor is important to a man, but loyalty is huge to a woman - at least a woman of worth. If the thought crossed his mind to mention then either I had done something wrong in not proving my trust worthiness or I was in a relationship with someone who was on his own unable to trust me and both options were pretty upsetting. To further defend that you have not cheated would do no good. You have to explain the reaction.

Your fiance is an insecure little boy in long pants. You will never be able to prove anything to him because he is probably accusing you of doing what he has already done or thinking of doing.
You will never change him - so why try?
If it were me, I would get rid of him nd go on with my life. Life is entirely too short and we only have one shot at being happy. I am not speaking idly but from 40 plus years experience. No one (male or female) is worth trying to change their personality for. It's a losing battle.
I wish you the best life has to offer but you have to make decisions to control your life.
Sincerely D. Y.

Sweetie - you don't need to comfort him or make him feel better! He needs to apologize to you!!
If he is that insecure about his very own brother then you will forever have problems and insecurities in your marriage. He needs counseling (couples) before you agree to go through with this marriage. And usually - it's the one pointing the finger who has the guilty concious (sp?).

I hate to tell you this but I think that trust is the most important part of a relationship. If there is no trust, there is no foundation on which to build a lifetime together. Discuss it first, perhaps this brother has a history of coming on to his girlfriends. If there is no basis for the concern, you haven't cheated before, brother hasn't tried before, then YOU have to decide if this is how you want to live your life. I wouldn't stay in a relationship where I was being constantly accused of wrongdoings. If justifying your behaviors isn't a big deal to you and is something you can live with, than stay.

H.,
I am quite concerned for you because if you have jeolous untrusting relationship now, it is only going to get worse. I would assume there is some underlying issues that you both need to work through. Does he know how you feel about cheating? Does he know that you wouldn't stand for that yourself and that you wouldn't ruin your relationship for some fling? In my experience, when they become accusing is because they themselves did something wrong. You did the right thing by defending yourself, but I would look at the big picture and see if you want to move forward in this relationship and marriage and have him accuse you of things. Ever think of counseling?

let him go do not defend yourself further if you had laughed it off it would have changed Nothing. let him go if he wants. do not stop him. do Not defend yourself further. silence is golden. you were sincere ? understanding. i am sure you were sincere. be sincere. do not defend yourself. this kind of thing will break you down -explaining and defending and him not telling you that he sees what a good woman you are and saying he is sorry for putting his doubt on you and Thanking you for understanding and answering his childish questions. Doubt is Never satisfied by ANY answer. but you answered because you understand and feel for him. you are too good a woman to go through your days concerned about proving yourself to a doubter. do you see how this can break you down? it's not you it's him. i understand too but the thing is that it is something he has to work out of himself! you can't do it for him. and he probably does not even SEE that at all yet. doubt accuses and fears . LET him go if he wants to. and depending on the next several days, weeks...you may want to leave him. Maybe you could tell him he is being completely Stupid and if that is the kind of doubter he is that he can not even be aware of the fact that he has a woman who is so far from that that she almost Laughed at the idea but since it was coming from Him you indulged him but that you will never indulge that kind of doubt again even from him because doubt is not him and if he wants to partner with doubt he can hit the road and move in with his brother who will atleast accomodate or be fodder for his doubting heart and mind.

H. unfortunately the issue is not yours. If your fiance is not able to believe you on this it won't get any better as time goes on. I think you have an obligation to your children to teach them trust and with this kind of situation in your life that will be hard to do. Defending yourself in an innocent situation is only the start. The problem is probably with your fiance not having the ability to trust anyone. Been there I know that being accused of something i didnt do and feeling helpless in the situation is awful. It never got better. My relationship did end and he made it so awful I had no choice but I should have realized it sooner.....but I love him. Good Luck!

Sounds like your fiance got some insecure issues going on within himself.And no, you were not wrong for defending yourself because if we don't stand up for ourself we will fall for anything.I've always been told that if someone accuses you of cheating then evidently they are the guilty one.Good luck with your relationship issues I hope everthing works out for you.

This is a tough issue. It sounds like he has issues about this. Maybe counseling would help? Being a single mom of two young kids and attending college...like you have TIME to cheat anyway! And how DARE you clean your house?! :) (Just kidding) I think seriously, that counseling would be something you need before you get married. You can't enter a marriage with someone if trust isn't there at all. Both of you together need to go...I bet it wouldn't hurt if you both also went separately, if you could. If you can't go to traditional counseling because it is too expensive- although is it worth saving the relationship- try a minister or something. Many times it is free of charge or very little. I know where I go to church they have a certified counselor. Even if you don't attend church, it might help save the relationship to talk to someone who can help you BOTH get through this. Otherwise, you have to make a tough decision to stay with him and have him be like that forever, or leave, and find someone better, who loves you and trusts you.
Hope that helps.

I had this happen to me. My husband (we were not married at the time) and I had just moved in together. I had moved out of my parents house and he had moved out of his mothers house. One day I came home from work and he freaked out about finding a sock that was not his. I don't know who's sock it was or where it came from and I laughed about it because he was so serious. He thought I had cheated on him because he found a sock. I don't think that laughing it off would have done you any good. I finally decided that he was freaking out because our relationship was getting very serious. I think that when men decide they want to get married that they freak out about losing their life. They want to make absolutely sure that they are not making a mistake. I don't doubt that my husband and your fiance totally believe what they accused us of. I think the only thing you can do is assure him that you want no one else. I ended up telling my husband that he was welcome to have one of his police friends follow me or put up camaras to watch me because my life was really very boring when he was at work. He never did this by the way. If you really love him and he really loves you then you will work it out. I ended up telling my husband that if he really felt this way then why was he with me? I also told him that if he thought that way of me that I don't think I wanted to be in the relationship anymore. He finally decided that I was right. Just one other thought. Sometimes if the man is accusing the woman of something, it is really his concience playing with him. Are you sure that he hasn't cheated on you? That might be something to bring up if he keeps throwing this in your face. I think I might have mentioned this to my husband. Just so you know, my husband and I have been happily married for almost 7 years now. Men are weird sometimes and they work things out differently than we do.
Good luck, you may need it.

Hate to say it but without trust, there really is nothing. You need to sit down with him and find out what his issues really are. Washing a blanket? Hello! If my husband got upset everytime I washed a blanket, he would be permanently in tears. I really think that if you want to save this relationship, it is time for each of you to do some inner reflection. I think some pre-marital counseling might be in order. Either by a counselor or your minister. I can't help but wonder at the fact that you want to make him feel better when you are so miserable and you are the one being accused of being unfaithful. He owes you a big apology! Good luck, Shannon
Been with my Mr. Wonderful for almost 13 yrs.

H.,
He sounds like he is looking to cause a problem. I dont want to open a can of worms but...........Maybe he is acting that way because he cant be trusted. Usually the person who does not trust is the one who cant be trusted. There is defently some baggage with this person. Something is wrong with his heart of past. Step back and take a good look before this grows to be a terrible situation. Life is to short!
D.

Hello H.,

I agree with alot that has already been said to you. I have been married for 18 years and while I have never had this issue, I know lots who have. I agree that you should check into what HE has been doing. Nine times out of ten, the person accusing the other of cheating, is in fact the one cheating. They have a guilty concious. Check it out! I really hope you find nothing though. In the meantime, keep defending yourself, you have every right to! If there is no trust in a relationship, that relationship will NOT work.

I wish you the best
T.

If he does not trust his brother, that is his problem. It will become your problem in the future of your relationhip.

If he does not trust YOU, that is a problem now. Trust issues are HUGE. What will be his next excuse for not trusting you? Get counseling together, or tell him goodbye. He may be looking for an excuse not to trust you, but do you want to live under a cloud of suspicion?

I am so sorry for this to arise.

If he doesn't believe you I would question if he feels guilty because he cheated. By putting the blame on you it would be easier for him to deal with what he did. Trust is one important key in making a relationship work. If he didn't trust you or his brother why in the world would he allow his brother to stay with you. Unless he had other motives.

I hate to say this, but often times when someone accuses his spouse of cheating, it's because he's guilty. I've seen this several times. I don't think you should have just laughed it off...but if he does continue, I would be asking some questions of him. Sorry to be negative...but I hope things will work out for you.

If your fiance thinks you've cheated and you have not, it sounds like he has some serious trust issues. Do not marry this man unless you go through some serious conselling first. Your life is too precious to put you and your children in a situation like this. My sister-in-law is currently in a relationship like this and her husband of twelve years is making her life hell. Their children are having problems with respecting authority and respecting her since their father does not. Please think twice before continuing this relationship.

Have you guys had issues with trust issues in the past. Is he a natuarly untrusting person? I don't think I could stand that constant questioning. Do you really want to be with someone who doesn't trust you? Or maybe he is testing you. If things have been done in the past and you guys have reconcilled them, he can't keep on harping you about it. He either needs to let it go or move on. It is really going to be hard for you guys if this is the way its going to be. Most people would be defensive if asked that question. It hurts and it is proably automatic to be that way. Trust love and passion and respect are the key ingrediants in any relationsip. If you don't have those you need to repair it BEFORE you get married!

Good Luck!

My boyfriend and I got pregnant after we were together only 6 months. He teased me quite a bit about whether or not the baby was his. I got defensive too. I was never able to "laugh it off" because it wasn't a laughing matter in my opinion. We have an incredibly healthy wonderful relationship, but he has been cheated on by everyone he's ever cared about, and he'd always wanted a family. Now that our son looks exactly like him he doesn't question it anymore. Now he's 5 months old and he knows that he and our son are my world. He never teases me anymore.
My point is stick to your guns. I don't blame you for being defensive. It really hurts when you're innocent. Has his brother slept with one of his girlfriends before? Just remind him that he might not trust his brother but he has to trust you or else, I'm sorry, but your relationship is already over. It sounds like you really love him, but he can't take something stupid like washing a blanket and turn it into an affair. You deserve more.

I don't think you should have to modify whatever your natural response is to such a question. I think the bigger issue is that it came up as a question. I'd seriously think over if you want to commit to marriage with someone who thinks you might have cheated before you are even married.

Hi H.,

It is a really tough situation when you are accused of cheating. My first reactions depend on how he confronts me with it. However, it is natural to be defensive. This is an insecurity issue with him. Now if he does not trust his brother then why did he allow the brother to sleep over? Why did he not take it in his own hands to ask the brother to leave when your man was leaving the house? I would feel like I was set up here. Not that he did. But it is not fair for him to create a situation and then have all of these fears and insecurities to blame you for it. Was it a test?
I would gently sit him down and tell him that his accusations have been bothering you deeply and want to discuss it one last time. Ask him why he doesnt trust his brother and why if he doesnt trust the brother then why would he put you in that situation?
Sweety, I know you are feeling just horrible about all of this and it is no fun defending yourself especially when you are not really going to convince him of your innocence. Today it is his own brother,,,,tomorrow it will be who......the paper boy because there are extra coupons in it that sunday? Either you have to spend your life convincing him that you are faithful or let him know that you are no longer going to put up with this.....You asked me-I told you the truth--now you can choose to believe me or not---fact is no matter what I say it will not be good enough. Dont let your own insecurities put you through a lifetime relationship of suspicions just so you will not be alone.
Good luck friend-let us know what happens.

Oh Girl, you have 2 kids to think of. If this relationship is not stable it will never be. There is nothing to keep him there, and no commitment.Do not have the brother over when he is not there. This does not sound like a good situation.

Hi H.,
I always found it to be the other way around, he doesn't want to trust you! How on earth and why would he want you to be around his brother, when he knows you don't care to much about him.
I just wonder if he has ever been late getting home, himself. When they point a finger at someone, they have 3 fingers pointing back at themself's I hope and pray for you, this isn't the case.
You have a family, and are really in love with this person, talk to people and see why he thinks this. Brothers, are blood, and I just can't get over the fact he leaves him there with you, like your a true, cheater. He may love you, but love also comes with trust. Or does he want out and no other way, to find the out,only by accussing you.
If you really want it to work out, then have a late night supper, when everyone else is gone and asleep. Ask him, what lead up to him to believe you are cheating? And explain why you would never do a thing like this, cause one, I feel you are a person whom know's how it feels to be hurt, and you don't want to hurt anyone. It's like I say, I love you, I treat you like a human being likes to be treated, and how I like to be treated back. I wouldn't go and beat up my arm, cut it and finally cut it off, I treat you, like a smooth rub down, making my arm soft to the touch of being loved.
But you can't stop anyone from staying, with you if he doesn't want to. One out weights the other. But get to the roots of it, and if he choose to leave, you may not want to hear what I am saying, but I have found out, the hard way.
You'll find the right person, whom will love you for you, trust, care, and want to be a family with you and your little ones.
I pray it boils down to someone whom is jealous, and made all this up, to try and hurt you two. But I don't see that. Not unless it's the brother but he wouldn't lie to hurt you both.
I wish only the best for you, but you have to get it all out in the open.
I will be praying that all things work out, the way you want them to. But if not pick yourself up and dust the hurt feelings on the floor. I know you want this to work and if he truly makes you happy, that's what I would like to see happen.

God Bless L. A.