Relationship Help with a Son My Husband Hasn't Seen for 12 Years...

I was in a situtation almost like yours. My ex-husband had not spoken to or seen my son at that time for about 9 years. Than on his 16th birthday his sister contacted us and asked if he could call. We let my son call. Because I knew it was questions that he may have had for his father. We kind of let the relationship form on its own. The past is gone just encourge your husband to continue with the relationship and find out more about the things he is into. Be a positive influence because the teenage years are so fragile. As his son feels more and more comfortable with him and the rest of the family he will eventully open up and start asking about different events. But for now I would just let the both of them deceide when is a time to discuss those past issues. My son is now about to turn 18 and he still talks to his father and seems to have forgiven him for what happened in the past. I do not get between their relationship because I feel that my son is at the age to make his own decisions about his father. I hope I helped you in some small way.

Well, since you said he has spent the night at your house a few times, it sounds like the animosity that his mother had toward your husband has subsided.

So, how did it come up that he would sleep over? I assume you or your husband talked to the mother..? So, honestly, I think the first step is to keep the peace with her... Your husband should approach her and discuss his desire to form a relationship with him, ask what has been told to him thus far and how both (his mother and your husband) should proceed. They need to agree on a communication plan. Remember: KEEP THE PEACE! You already know the worst situation--aka: the mother inhibiting contact--Make efforts to avoid that from happening again.

I think it is FANTASTIC that your husband wants to form a relationship with him. I have a few friends who grew up without knowing their father or mother. They all say something along the lines of not feeling "whole". I would think the boy feels a lot of emptiness in regard to wanting to know who his father is and questions about why he doesn't have a relationship with him. And I truly believe a child needs to have a healthy father-relationship during teen years in order to mature as easily as possible into a young adult, to make good desicions, etc.

Secondly, I think it would be a nice gesture to give a christmas present for the boy from his dad.

Best of luck with it. Don't give up.

Go very slow, let him make the first move's as he get's to know your husband he will relax and may reveal the things that he knows and has been told. If they vary from what he see's he will be the one that see's it. Your husband will not have to have said or done anything that might make his mother looks bad. Treat him like a son and talk with him as a son, and set limits in your house on the behavior just as you would if it was any other child. He will respect this. Do not treat him any different. Good luck on getting to know each other and a happy holiday season.

my mother married a man for the second time who had 2 young children, 6 and 8 years old. he got to see them for about a year about after him and my mother got married, then his ex wife turned the children against him and they would not come any more.
this went on for 12 years and greatly hurt my step father, then out of the blue the youngest asked could he see his dad, his dad was very sceptical and angry with his ex wife, but he saw his son, then his daughter - now an adult wanted to visit also, so they saw her too.
they just took it slowly, the first visit was made in a neutral place - a cafe and they just had a cup of coffee and a chat, kept the topics very light and said "we can meet again next week if you want too". the son ended up moving back in with his dad for a couple of years - nearly drove my mother and stepfather crazy (thats another story lol), my stepsister became very close to her dad and my mother and was very supportive when my mother died 2 years ago.
my advice on where to start, is very slowly, keep it light, dont haul over old ground because a boy of 14 will be gone faster than greased lightning, he will talk about the past when he is ready, it may be years before he will.
the truth will always come out, and he will realise it is not his dads fault that he didnt get to see his dad growing up.

I would be honest with him. I wouldn't accuse his mother of anything at all!!! But, you need to or better yet, have his father talk to him and let him know how much he wanted to be a part of his life. But, that his mother was nervous about that for some reason. And no matter what, he would love to build a relationship with him now. Always invite him to do things with ya'll, but never push or beg. Just always invite. Put the ball in his court, offering only truth without accusation or judgement against his mother. If he wants the relationship, which it looks like he might, then he will respond. If not, you have opened the doors and he may just come back through them when he is older, knowing that you have reached out to him first. Give him time, truth, and plenty of opportunity.

It seems that the divorce may have been a friendly one except for the visitation rights, which were against court orders. It seems that since the mother has now agreed to visits, in your home no loss, that she has matured some. At least she didn't fill the boy with a lot of garbage about his father. I'ed say to continue your life/houseold activities as usual, being sure to include him but not make extra compensations. Ask if there are particular things that they do at home that would make him more comfortable, and if they're now too far out, comply. That would show him that he is welcome. Find out his interests, sports, fishig, etc. and try that sometimes. Does he have a step-father? He and his father should have some private bonding time first then include the rest of the family. This could work out wery well. Good luck.

Hi E. K,
Congratulations on having the son integrated into the family. I agree w/ the poster who said to tell DS "I don't know where to start. I have always loved you and wanted to be a part of your life. Your mom did what she thought was best at the time." (Even if you disagree, avoid saying anything negative at all about her. Do not place DS in a position of having to defend his mom.) He might enjoy a game of "what's your favorite xyz" with each member calling out a subject like: dessert, color, music, time of year, smell, sound,etc. that each person could answer without being too personal, but would allow DS to see that you all are easy to be around. That is hilarious to my kids who thought up the topics. They still play that and they are in their 20's. As they get to know each other, change it to "what is your worst or funniest xyz". HTH, C.

Hi,
I know this is a very hard and touchy situation but, please proceed with caution you don't want to alienate the mother or the son. My advise to you is this. Try to let go of the past and not worry about what have been told to him by his mother because, if you try to counteract what the mother has taught the son it will blow up in your face. Children aren't dumb by far he will soon form his own ideas and put two and two together and realize what his mother might have told him about his father wasn't true at all. Also, never and I mean never talk bad about the mother in front of or to the child this would be a very bad thing. But, if the son ask why his dad haven't been in his life then it is ok to say things like well, it was a terrible time for me and your mother and your mother did what she thought was best and things like that but, never point the finger directly at the mother because, the son will rebel. I hope this advice works for you as well as it worked for me. I was in a situation similar to yours and this is exactly how I handled it and it worked like a charm.
Good Luck, Faythe

I was the 15 year old daughter....

My step-father (the man who raised me, whom we will call my dad) was told he had a son when I was 15. (He had thought through the years that he might have a son, but he didn't know for sure.) When I met my step-brother, we clicked, and got along great. We talked about EVERYTHING......He told me everything his mother said about my dad. Of course, I told him what was really going on, and told him that I had overheard my mom and dad talking about him over the years. He never, not once, went to my dad about anything. He never asked questions as to why everything happened the way it did. He didn't have too. He and I talked about it.
I'm not saying that you need to put your daughter in the middle of this, but I would sit down and talk to your children and find out if he's asked any questions about his father. If he has, then he wants to know and just wait for him to come to his father. If he hasn't, then maybe he doesn't care. Maybe he "sees" that his mother was telling him untrue things, and he is happy where he is. If he didn't WANT to be there with his father, he would not be there. I work with high school kids. Believe me, they do not do anything they don't want to fo if they are not forced too.

You need to be honest and open with the child. Dad tells him the same things you wrote, "don't know where to start, don't know what you've been told. Don't run down the mom, only the facts, things that the child can check out and verify you are telling the truth. 14 year olds are smarter than most give them credit for.

If the son asks about your husband/his father, I would first ask what has he been told about him. That way, you'll have an idea of where to start. I wouldn't push the situation, I think gradual exposure to each other is a good way to go. I've never been in your situation but I know how it can affect kids if they're pressured into thinking they HAVE to form a bond and right away rather than letting them go at it gradually. Try to find out what the son likes to do, ie: fishing, dirt biking, music then if he likes, say, dirt biking or fishing, ask the son if he wants to go sometime...perhaps at first with the family together then if he feels comfortable with just him & his father. Good luck!