Relationship and Marriage

My DH went through the same thing. He got laid off and was out of work for 16 months! It took a real toll on his self esteem and got very depressed. It was awful. I felt bad for him, and at the same time I was like get over yourself and get a job anywhere - Mcdonald's would have been fine by me.
Men take a real big hit to their ego when they lose a job - many of them form their identity around their work. (That is why twice an many men as women get depressed after retirement believe it or not).
See if you can talk to him about it from a different view point, and hopefully it will help. Good luck to you!

I don't know where to begin with this. I'll keep it short. As soon as I started to read this, it brought me back 3 years ago. Since then, my life has been turned upside down. But let's start to 3 years ago, or actually possibly longer than that.

I was married, with 2 boys ages 6 and 3. My husband at the time, was not working, was hardly looking for a new job (in my eyes anyway), and hardly spent anytime with our sons. He also did hardly anything at home other than play video games.

This went on for a year. I ended up blowing a gasket to say the least. I couldn't be supportive of him anymore. I tried so hard to be. I finally saw it affecting my children negatively and I gave my husband the ultimatum. Find work, spend time with your kids or move out. He moved out.

This was 3 years ago. Now, we are divorced, my sons are 9 and 6. My oldest son who is 9 is troubled and angry. My youngest never really knew his dad that well since his dad was always in his hole playing games, so he isn't affected by it as much. But you should know that my husband still has not become stable and is not working currently. He has worked approximately 6 months in the past 3 years. I am currently receiving no child support from him and it's been horrible and devastating to me financially.

I am in debt beyond belief. My kids are doing well though, they have no idea of the struggles I've been having in that regard. They are happy for the most part, other than my oldest having some difficult times with us being apart.

Other than that, my life is wonderful. I am in a great new relationship with a successful man who I can rely on and count on for anything.

I don't know if this has helped at all, but I just wanted you to know that you are not alone, this has happened to others. Your husband sounds like he needs some help to move in the right direction. Video games are an addiction. You can read about it on-line. It takes over their lives like it did for my husband. He completely regrets it now and wants his family back. It's too late for us. Hopefully you'll find a way to get through to him before it's too late for you too.

Wow - what a tough spot to be in, for both of you guys! My husband got laid off several years ago, right after we were married, and slowly sunk into a looong and deep depression. It was really rough - just months after the wedding he lost his first real "adult" job, then we got pregnant, and then I miscarried... and before the year was over we had to pack up our stuff and put it in storage. We spend a month living out of our car, and eventually had to move in with his parents. We lived in their attic, one room for us and our cat. I found a job and worked my tush off while he farted around all day. I literally supported us for 3 years while hubby hid bills, sunk lower into denial, and didn't do much around the house to help. With the help of a friend, we were able to move into our own apt while our friend "rented a room" from us. There were times that I was working 2 jobs and then would come home and NOTHING had been done around the house. He did work sporadically - he took a job at JC Penny for a while, and did some temp work. But he was so depressed he didn't have it in him to bother trying to find a job in his field (software eng). It took a lot of talking and time and space before he realized that he was depressed and started working out of it. Hindsight being 20/20, instead of nagging him and being frustrated and resentful of how much I was doing, I should have been helping find "mini-successes" to boost his confidence (rather than tearing him down for how he was failing us). He already felt like a failure - he really needed a lot of encouragement and patience to get him out of the funk. I think for my husband the turning point was going to a temp agency and them telling him they could place him, no problem, because he was so qualified to do so many things. And then his temp position employers wanting to hire him straight out, etc...

Anyways, I hope my experience helps you guys out. Best of luck!

It looks like from the responses that all of them say what I would have said. It appears from what you have written that your husband is depressed. Men carry a lot of stress revolving around their ability to provide for their family. My husband went through the same thing two years ago when he was fired from his job. Although he was able to go to court over this and win, he was still unable to find a job for a year. It was quite hard on him. He would sit and watch t.v., or play games on his computer. He drank more, and slept in. He never wanted to go out as a family or do anything with his parents who live an hour away. It was hard on me, and our relationship. Communicating your thoughts and feeling to him, is the only way to really help him understand . To let him know your concerns for his wellbeing, and to let him know that he is a good man and a good husband. If you offer a more encouraging and supportive role then the later, it might help him open up..Just a thought. i know how tough this is for you..Let me know if their is anything I can do ..

It sounds like your husband is depressed and if you look at his side..he has enough reasons to be..no job, job hunting not going anywhere and he might be ashamed to let you in on that side of him. he needs support in a way of maybe some counseling if he will take it and maybe a revamping of his resume etc. Maybe a job counselor?

Try and go to him in a very supportive role and ask what he feels he needs..keep at it as he will feel awful all around

You need backup and a full family , but that may take a bit to get him back to his old self..he may feel he has nothing to offer you all..but he does and he is still important to your family..let him know that.

Dear T.,
I have to say reading this brought tears to my eyes. I am experiencing the same thing. I work all day, come home to cook and clean. I have 6 children 4 are still living with me. I can so understand what you are feeling. Everyone tells me to talk to him and let him know what I'm feeling, I agree clear communication is key. I have gave up hope in trying to make my husband understand what I go through, but I've let it go on far too long before I said anything. He does take care of task that I can't but to me it still doesn't measure up. I say nip it in the butt and simply express yourself. Explain that you want more family time. Always express your love especially with a baby so young. Such tension will grow take care of it early. Best of Luck and stay strong.

Hi T.,
It is really hard to have everything be 50/50 but from the sounds of it, your husband is regressing and acting like a child. I would suggest having a talk with him and laying it all out there for him to think about. The lies and secrets about his job hunting is just not neccessary. I hope for your sake he is at least getting some kind of unemployment. He sounds like he is going through a "funk" right now and maybe he is depressed. It's hard to find a job now a days, however, he could find something I am sure. Spending a lot of family quality time is very important. I can tell you that my husband has the type of job that doesn't end just because he is home, but he does spend as much time as he possibly can with us through out the week and also on weekends. If the house work doesn't get done, he doesn't care, he would rather sit on the floor and play games with the girls than worry about what hasn't been done around the house. I wish you the best of luck and would highly suggest you talk to your hubby about the way you are feeling and if that doesn't seem to get through, maybe you should see a marriage counselor.

It's amazing to see how many women have been through the same thing (hubby out of work, depressed, withdrawn)! My husband has a hard time keeping work through winter. He gave up the video games a couple of years ago because he recognized that they were addictive and very negative and violent. Unfortunately he has replaced the games with watching movies.
I beat my head against a brick wall trying to make him do what I wanted (like take a night away from movies to do anything together or clean up after his late night kitchen raid): I cried, yelled, ignored, pouted, scolded... It all had no effect except to put me through an emotional hell. His sex drive was almost gone. Finally I started to treat him like a dog (don't laugh). I ignore negative behavior and reward positive behavior. When he is "being bad" I use distraction. I know it sounds condescending, but I'm pragmatic- I do what works. Sometimes I would be biting my tongue when I thanked him for doing half of the dishes when I do them all the time. Sometimes I was just plain lying when I'd say, "I know how hard you're trying." I really had to reach deep inside of myself and think about the wedding vows "for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer..." I'd often have to take a few deep breaths and ask myself, "what does he need to year?" When I do talk about problems, I try to be careful about the language I use. I take responsibility for my feelings and avoid absolutes (you always..., you never...).
Over time this has been much more effective and pleasant than fighting.
Hubby's parents didn't teach him how to communicate about feelings- they don't even hug. And our culture expects women to juggle career with keeping house like Martha Stewart. Most modern women are partners with our spouse until we have children, then we both unconsciously fall into really warped gender roles.
Try boosting him up. If you can get him to admit he's depressed and using negative coping strategies, you'll have an easier time communicating about the situation. Good Luck.

I just wanted you to know that your not alone. My husband thinks he's above helping me with anything, including the kids. He barely ever talks to our son and less in a nice way, he thinks it's "babysitting" if I need him to watch the kids for me to do something. Mowing the lawn is his only task besides work which b/c he owns his own company, thinks he can take time off whenever he wants & we're barely making money to get by and oweing a TON!
So your not the only one out there. I would only suggest counseling if you think he'll go for it or just schedule it and take him. I may end up having to do the same b/c mine wont go for things like that...a family traight just like the above problems.
Good Luck!

T.,

There are a few things you said that make me think your husband is depressed, he is sleeping more, playing more video games, not talking to you about his job hunt, not spending time with you and your son. It is difficult to know for sure but it sounds like the start of it at least. If he could talk to his doctor about it maybe treatment is an option which hopefully will help and then his whole outlook should change and get him more involved. When I went on med's it helped me.

As for wanted to spend time with you and your son. I would say, yes, whole heartedly he should want to spend time with you. Hope this helps.

Hi T.!
It's not uncommon for men to become very depressed when they can't "provide" for their family. The more defeated they feel the more they retreat into a "cave". It can be a literal cave like a room or an emotional one like just not being engaged in family. Every once in a while they'll poke their head out (like a prairie dog), look around to see what needs to be done that they CAN do well, do it then retreat once again. I'm sure he thought he would have no problem finding work and after the first few interviews where he got turned down he's probably feeling like a failure. A year is a long time to be looking for work. Self esteem takes quite a beating after a while. Maybe it's time to think about him going to school to learn a new trade in a more demand field. There's always help to pay for that kind of stuff.

Withdrawal from human relationships, an increased devotion to machines, inability to focus on long-term tasks (job hunting) but still able to do a single task (lawn mowing), covering up, sleeping -- these are all classic signs of depression. He doesn't have to be sad or in a bad mood to be depressed. He should see his physician for a full check-up, and you should either go along or call the physician to report the symptoms you see. There are medications, many low dose, which can help lift the mood and allow increased focus. If he will go to counseling, all the better. This is all probably a serious blow to his self-esteem, but believe me, when a person is in the middle of depression, he/she doesn't see it - he/she only sees the pressure from others. Get professional help now. The longer you wait, the harder it is for all of you. Good luck.

I feel for you - what kind of work did your husband do? I would help him look for a job. It is not good for a man to not work, and the video game thing is not good either. I think you should find a way to once in a while be the one who mows the lawn (or washes the car, or other "outside" chore). Maybe while your child is napping (you could pop into the house a few times of course, during the chore, and make sure he's OK) You need to get outside, or otherwise have time away from the baby. It is too easy for the man to let the woman do all the child-related work. Isn't it half his baby too? This mentality really frustrates me. Why is it automatically assumed that the woman will do the lion's share of the child-rearing? It's simply not fair, ESPECIALLY when the man is at home during the day. Don't let him get away with it. You will become resentful. You need to clearly state your needs and stick to your guns. You need child-free time to maintain your sense of yourself, and your sanity. If only for a few minutes each afternoon or evening. Good luck!!!!

I have to agree with most of the other posters about your husband being depressed. I went through this with my husband just last year. He didn't loose his job -- but he was playing video games, sleeping and simply not spending any time with the kids. I finally got him to go and see a dr about this who just poo-pooed it. To make a long story short it took a cross-country move, me threatning to leave him and another doctor to put him on some meds to make a difference -- and what a difference it was! He gives the kids bath's every morning (he works 2p-10p) , does the dishwasher and is just around more-physically and emotionally! It is wonderful.

So my point is... if having him see a dr doesn't work at first -- try again.

I hope this helps...

sounds like depression to me...

here's my advice. I'm coming from the outside. It's going to be hard to hear because it goes against our natural instincts as humans.

He's probably depressed. That is a hard place for a man to be. My husband went through that (job searching, feeling bad about himself) for about 6 months years ago and it was very hard on our marriage. The things that he needs are probably the hardest to give: compassion, forgivenss, love, and patience. I don't know if you're a religious person, but if you pray, I suggest asking God to help lift your burnden. Ask Him to fill you with love and understanding for your husband. Pray every day for this--any time you feel frustrated with him. I know if you start treating him like you would if he were being responsible and like the kind of husband and father you know he can be, then he will eventually pick himself up and BE that guy. For you. and it will help your relationship in the process. and you will actually SEE that guy who you love and admire and recognize how hard this has been on his self esteem.

good luck!

All I can say is that I'm in the same exact situation except our son is 20 months and his dad (my bf) does watch a show with him or play outside with him for maybe a half hour a day. I often feel like it's unfair that I do most of the work. I feel like I'm always complaining and whining to him that "I'm tired and I do everything." I just want to flip out sometimes and say "GET OFF YOUR BUTT AND DO SOMETHING!" Anyway I'm with you on this and am very curious to see what people say.

Coming from the flip side (me being the depressed one), I agree that your husband is likely depressed. My company left town a few years ago and I slipped into a slippery slope of depression. We live in a small town and job choices are sometimes limited. My identity as a proficient employer was challenged and then it affected how I felt as a parent and a spouse and a friend and...blah, blah, blah.

Fortunately, I was willing to ask for help with counseling. It started as counseling for myself and eventually has expanded for our family. Depression can affect many different aspects of one's life and you're all in it together. At least that's the hope.

My husband is very aware of how hard it has been for me to be out of work, yet it has worked better for our family for me to be home in some ways. We decided for me to be home full-time, but it appalled me how deep I fell before I woke up. It began to affect our marriage and everything...time to take action! My husband kept thinking it would just pass but I knew better.

Is your husband a person who would be open to counseling and/or seeing a psychiatrist for anti-depressants? Some guys (people in general) think it's even more failure to admit they need help, but let me tell you it can make all the difference in the world! If he's gone down far enough, it may be hard to pull himself up on his own--the old "bootstraps" people like to tell others to use.

At my worst, it was embarrassing to realize how little I got done in a day! Just getting up was a challenge in and of itself. Simple things felt like huge mountains--showering, getting the mail. From the outside, it might have looked like laziness and lack of caring; from the inside it was a very real challenge.

For me (and I know we're all different), I got counseling on my own for 1-2 years. Because of some health insurance issues, I waited till this year to go on meds. Although I waited too long before I began the meds, so that I was deeper in depression than ever before, I'm finally coming up for breath and finding my true self again. The meds give me the stability to address the bigger issues of work, family, etc.

If he has a problem considering meds, think of them this way--if you needed heart medicine, would that be a sign of moral weakness? If you had a broken arm, would it be a sign of weakness to need a cast? Instead, the anti-depressants can be seen as a medicine that various people need to function in the most healthy way. Some people need them just for a specific episode; others need them because of repeat depressions. (Is there a history of depression in his family? There is a high genetic link toward depression.)

I personally would recommend counseling first. If that doesn't do the trick or your husband balks, I would suggest getting a recommendation for a psychiatrist--from a friend, from your family doctor, etc. Psychiatrists are better trained at eliciting the source of one's depression and the science behind getting past it. General doctors can prescribe anti-depressants but they're not as likely to know all the ins and outs of the science involved.

Ironically, my husband was just given notice that his job will be ending in January 2009 after 19 years. The weird twist is that I'm excited that this might be the change we need to reconfigure our family roles and tasks. (Of course, if January comes and we're in bad straits for work still, I may change my tune!)

Best of luck in trying to see where your husband is coming from. He may need your help in realizing how much it is affecting you, your marriage, your family. It's not your job to fix him, but it is your job to let him know how it affects those he loves.

At my worst, I was thinking divorce. As I come up from the depths, we're all pulling our own emotional and household weight much better. It helps ALL involved!

I know how you feel. My husband spent approx. seven months unemployed this past year. He's a union worker who gets laid off seasonally, but this year with the economy the way it is there was none of the usual side work available. He hustled as best he could but ended up drinking an awful lot due to his unemployment. Typically he's a hard working guy, to have him not working was torture! I was on bedrest for six months of my pregnancy and couldn't help to contribute so we were BROKE. You'd think he'd have spent some time taking care of his bedrested wife, but no. He just kept drinking and I kept having to get up and do things around the house.

Once our son was born and my husband went back to work I'd have thought things would have gotten better but they didn't. He was bringing home paychecks but drank with every free moment he had, including days off. I'm breastfeeding so the hubs doesn't get up at night. I feel like I've been a single mother for the past three months!!! I ask him to give me a hand and he just spouts off about how tired he is and how hard he works, drinks his beer and goes to sleep.

I'm happy to report that recently he gave up drinking and things have started to look up. I don't have much advice for you right now other than, you're not crazy! Men have issues regarding their self-worth and working. And if he's playing video games and ignoring the family I'd bet my life it's because he's depressed. Hang in there!

It sounds like your husband is depressed. My husband was out of work when my first son was born and then took a job where he was undervalued and underpaid. He felt like he was failing in his role as a provider for the family, and so it was hard for him to enjoy family life when he felt like he was not fulfilling his role. It is very hard to get men to admit these kinds of things or to get help, but you might encourage him to talk about it with you, a friend or a professional. He seems to be missing a lot by separating himself. Good luck!

Agree with the depression diagnosis. Hope you can encourage him to seek some help. If yours is like mine, need an outside opinion to make it valid. Having a child also compounds their "life changes" although most men are defined by their job (which is why they get so lost without them), and women tend to define themselves by their children. Continue your outings, find moms and kids with similar interests. Try to not to resent his slacking as long as he gets some help.

You have an 18 mo old and your husband is home which is good, better than some stranger watching him grow up. He does all the chores, as he should. He's probably just distracted with the whole job thing. It's "expected" that we work outside the home and make money. How about looking for online work, stuff he can do from home, part time as he does all the chores? I have a link in my profile, if interested. Be happy for what he has done for you. We are also doing things different as I work my biz from home and take care of my babe. We can make money from anywhere, and he is saving you money too!

There is nothing wrong with feeling loved and appreciated by your husband. Have you considered counseling?