C.L. asks from Great Falls, MT on April 25, 2011
Relationship Advice with Fiance and 7 Week Old
Ok this may get a little long but you need background info. so here it is. Im 21 years young. My fiance and I were only together about 6 months before we got preggo. In the beginning of my pregnancy we had a huge fight because he was SURE i was cheating on him and that it wasn't even his baby! On the contrary, I was not and never have cheated on him and the baby is obviously his (looks just like him!) so obviously he's got trust issues. Mostly because before me he was with a girl for about 6 years and they were engaged bothbut broke it off after she cheated on him and he was struggling with alcoholism at the time. (he's now been clean and sober for over 2 years) anywho, a few months after finding out i was preggo, he lost his job, his car broke down beyond repair, and my car was stolen! I couldnt get to my job 45 min away. basically we were broke and desperate and wanted a good life for our baby girl. We decided to move from California to Montana for a fresh start and cheaper living (his mom, stepdad and sisters live here) While i am open to change, I moved here 6 months preggo and not knowing anyone except my fiance. It was ok at first, but i really began to struggle with some depression as time went on. My entire family lives in California and all my friends to boot. I have HIS family and they are great but its just not the same. pregnancy and having a newborn is a really critical and sometimes tough time for women and it was/is really hard for me living out here with no support system and not really many friends.(its kinda hard to get out there and make friends when your in your 3rd trimester.
now we have a beatuiful 7 week old baby girl and im a SAHM which can get really lonely at times being stuck at home pretty much 24/7 with no car! anyways there have been a few small incidents that kind of make me not trust him as much. and he obviously doesnt trust me. since the baby we've been argueing a lot about money, baby, etc. and honestly ive been having second thoughts about the relationship and living here for a few months. I think i would love to move back home. i need MY family at this point in my life. I do love him very much and i know that me moving would basically end our realtionship. but im thinking about my daughter and i want her to have her daddy in her life (and he would be 16 hours away!) and im just not sure if i should stay and wait it out try and make it work for her sake, or just move on and lean on my family right now? i have not talked to them about it but i know they would welcome me back with open arms (they werent really fans of us moving of course) and also i want to add that we were only DATING for 6 months before we concieved, we've known each other longer as we used to work together and that is how we first met. We WERE usuing protection, but like they say 99% effective. i guess we were the 1%.. like i said im only 21 and a new mom any advice??
So What Happened?™
thank you for the great advice so far, and please keep it coming. I wanted to also add that he is 25. The "depression" started before the baby was born while i was pregnant and first living here, and yes i know that it is partly hormones to blame and maybe a little baby blues. but i still question if he still loves me or is just with me because of baby, and the same goes for me. i know people make it work with parents living in different states and being a single mom, etc i just never thought it would happen to me i guess. at least not at 21... the last thing i wanted to add is there is another reason i would like to move home and its beacuse i have 2 little sisters 9 & 6 and i feel like im missing out on so much in their lives. i want to be there for them and not be the sister that they harldy know because there is a huge age gap and they never see me. the only one in my family who is even met my daughter is my mom because she flew out to be here for when she was born. i just really want my family to have a realtionship with my daughter ( and the rest of my fiance's family too, as they all live in california as well. HIS mom has made it very clear to me that if anything ever happend between me and fiance, she was still the grandma and would be there for me and here (she was a single mom of 2 kids by age 20 so she knows how tough it can be) and his sisters are a little yougner than me(in high school) but they are great and love to babysit, but its just not MY family, you know?
K.P. answers from New York on April 25, 2011
You're 21 and he's... how old?
If there are already this many issues in your relationship (with trust being a massive issue), then you need to seriously consider moving back to CA where you have a support system that isn't contingent upon him. If he were to walk away right now you would be completely alone and very far from home.
16 hours is a long drive, but 8 is doable. If he wants a relationship with his daughter, he can meet you half-way. "Making it work for the kids" rarely, if ever actually "works".
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S.B. answers from Houston on April 25, 2011
Go visit your family. Get out of the situation for a little while and see how you feel. That perspective might help. Good luck!
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D.R. answers from San Luis Obispo on April 25, 2011
I feel that there are usually two issues when trust issues come up~ and it is pretty black and white. Either someone has been cheated on and can't get over it and that is understandable. The other one is that there is a chip missing in that person & they are either cheating or could cheat and just know their own character so they try to pass the blame.
I am worried because sleeping with someone you barely know without protection is crazy now days with all the diseases out there let alone not to mention what you found out regarding pregnancy is not the smartest thing to do and you sound smart so I am wondering what in your own life you were missing before "HE" even came along?
But I also understand how hormones can get the best of the smartest people in the world even with all the information out there.
I always think that our trials can be our children's lessons so that they don't go wasted and with a daughter of your own, I hope you keep that in mind when guiding her in her life.
You mentioned that he is your fiance... have you set a date?
If not, with the alcohol issues even though he has been clean and sober for two years, and the other emotional issues you recounted... I would probably try to reach out for counseling. Perhaps a non denominational church in your area with other young couples could be a good and free support system?
You mentioned your mom and your sisters...Could you move home? Would you have support there?
The Optimal thing here is that you don't feel stuck and feel that you have options.
Dr. Laura Slessinger can be annoying at times to some people but she has some great books out there. I would suggest you start reading all of her books one by one. And/or start listening to her. She is on XM Radio now. Your choices have not been in your best interest and you need to start thing about your daughter now.
It sounds as if "his" mom is your soft place to fall right now and she sounds great. But I can understand needing your own family without taking anything away from what his family has done for you. A girl just needs her mom at certain times. Is there a way you could go home for a visit? See if it might work at your moms? Plan to stay a month or for the summer...See if your Fiance misses you and you miss him.
Reach out for support. Find a young mom's groups. You need friends. People will come and pick you up if you need a ride. Just let them know of your needs. You sound like a bright young girl who just needs to reach out where you are as you did here. Please let us know how it all turns out. I will be praying for you and your little family!
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J.L. answers from San Diego on April 25, 2011
The only thing I can tell you is with you both jumping into a relationship when you barely knew each other is probably one of the reasons there is no trust. This is another reason ladies to wait till marriage to start your familys. J.
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J.S. answers from Hartford on April 25, 2011
It sounds to me as if you already know what you want to do and know that you're not actually in love with your baby's father in spite of saying that you love him. Perhaps "care" and "love" are being used interchangeably here for you. You're a great mom to want to make sure that your daughter's Daddy remain part of her life. However you don't have to stay together to be good co-parents. Trust your instincts and listen to them. We have instincts for a reason. It's when we ignore them that there are problems. And maybe this question is you asking if it's all right to leave the father of your baby. Yes, it is. It's even all right to move away and move close by to your friends and family. If he wants to see his daughter he can move closer by or he can plan to travel to see her. When you get back home you can officially and legally establish a custody arrangement so that it's all fair and laid out for him with a schedule too.
I also think that you're suffering from post-partum depression and that you should talk to your OB/GYN or PCP about being referred to a therapist. I think you could do really well with talk therapy with a psychologist (doesn't Rx meds) or a psychiatrist (can Rx meds) to help you work through the things stressing you out and ongoing issues as well as PPD.
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J.C. answers from New York on April 25, 2011
You need to at least try to work this out with him. You two made the adult choice to have sex and then have a child after knowing each other for only 6 months. What did you bth expect? Being a mom is hard work. It's draining on finances. Let me tell you, it's not going to be much better at home in CA. Do you think your family will support you? It's gets old quickly to have a sister/daughter living with you that has no money.
You need to look at the big picture. Are you educated? Do you have a skill/trade? How will you support yourself and your child regardless of where you live. You need to start making some adult decisions for you and your baby.
I don't mean to sound harsh but you need to focus on the future. I wish you all the best of luck!!
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S.S. answers from Daytona Beach on April 25, 2011
I know that after I had my daughter and son (6 & 4) that I had some serious fights with my husband whom I love very much. I think it was all the pregnancy hormones. I was sure he was cheating or didn't love me anymore, etc. I knew that wasn't the case really because I know how much he loves me, but the hormones make a person think crazy things. I would say wait for a while. At least a few months. Try to get out if yo can. Take the baby to the library for reading time. I know she's little, but most libraries have times for little ones. Or go to a coffee shop? Somewhere there might be other moms. If after a few months, if you still can't adjust, move back home for a while, and see what happens.
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C.B. answers from Los Angeles on April 25, 2011
At the very least, you need to go home and visit your family for awhile. Don't jump into moving just yet; just go home for a few weeks, spend time with family and friends, and then go from there.
You also have to ask yourself an honest question: If you hadn't gotten pregnant, would you still be with your boyfriend? Would you want to marry him right now? If you can honestly say that no, you wouldn't be marrying him right now if you didn't have a baby, then maybe it is time to move on. Staying together solely for the baby's sake just prolongs the inevitable, and if you are already having problems right now, they might just get worse later on. Now, if you do love him and believe he loves you, and you've talked to him and you are both committed to your relationship, then you can try your best to make it work. Maybe some counseling for him to work on his trust issues, couples' counseling, lots of communication, etc. Definitely start with a long visit to see your family, do some soul-searching, and see how you feel after a few weeks. Good luck; I know it's not easy, especially with a new baby. I hope it all works out for the best. And remember, treasure your time with your little one, because it really does go by way too fast!
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