Relationship Advice

Hi A.,
I hit respond on my computer because I've been married for 31 years to the worlds greatest husband and yet our marriage has not always been perfect. I thought I would have great advise but I read the comments of the others that responded before me and you have already recieved the answer to your problem. Each person has given a valid response and some things to work toward. The only thing I can add is that if you cannot get professional counseling then seek out a pastor who can help.
There are also programs that you and your husband can purchase and watch or listen too on your own. The one that my husband and I did, way back when we were young like you, is "Hidden Keys to a Loving Relationship" by Dr. Gary Smalley.
His web address to purchase these (18) tapes or DVDs is http://store.roadtoglory.us/ketoloresita.html
My husband and I still refer to these lessons and our children are now grown and doing well.
There are a couple of books by Dr. James Dobson that were also invaluable "What Every Wife Wishes Her Husband Knew About Women" and "What Every Husband Wishes His Wife Knew About Men" Marriage is worth working on for your children but also for your own spiritual health. We live in a throw-away society that includes marriage as disposable. I would like to see young Americans reclaim the right to 'try' and make it work. There are reasons to call it quits but so far I think you are just working on the growning pains of a new relationship. Give it a shot, what can it hurt. May God Bless you, your child, and your marriage.

4 moms found this helpful

A.,

Here are 2 books that have helped me the MOST in my marriage:

Love & Respect, by Emmerson Eggeriches
Created to Be His Helpmeet, by Debi Pearl

I have been happily married for over 6 years now- long enough to know that there are ups and downs! As a Christian, I believe that marriage is a life long covenant, not a contract that can be broken on the grounds of "unhappiness". One thing I've learned in my own marriage is that selfishness is a relationship-killer. It is also usually at the root of all of our "unhappiness" issues.

Your husband will never make you "happy". True joy comes from loving, knowing and serving Jesus Christ. Do you attend church? If not, have you thought of finding a good church to get plugged into? Please forgive me if I sound "preachy" (my husband is a preacher, so I can't help it!!); but I believe that God can truly make a difference in your marriage and life!

I'll be praying for you!

K. Howard
http://www.homemakerscottage.com
http://www.workathomeunited.com/homemaker

3 moms found this helpful

I know - even without looking - that this will be unpopular advice... but no one is "entitled" to happiness. Even the constitution guarantees only the pursuit of happiness.

Two people who come together to make a child owe it to that child to be grown ups and try to work it out, in my opinion... and I speak from experience - there have been stretches of months, maybe even years, in my marriage when I count down to when my youngest will turn 18 and I will have fulfilled my responsibility. Then again, there have been many more months and years when it is good going.

I recommend two books for you - read them or don't... but they worked wonders for me:

The Five Love Languages (for spouses) by Gary Chapman
Created to be his Help Meet by Debi Pearl (nogreaterjoy.org)

S.

2 moms found this helpful

What risk is there to go to counseling while separated? Your relationship is so young and it can grow and mature so much if given the nurturing and effort needed. I know when my husband and I went through THREE months of premarital counseling...it was the BEST thing we could have done. I would hate to see our relationship now (11 years later) without it. I know it costs money, but it will either bring you together or give you closure on your decision. I know that at times I put God in a box and assume that since I couldn't fix things, how could He? Prayer changes history---and it will change yours too. Beyond anything else you do, pray for God to give you CLEAR confirmation on what to do. Ask for something that you will know is from Him---be specific. God is bigger than this relationship, so open the box and let Him do what He is waiting for your permission to do. When I did this, God has transformed my husband into a man I never dreamed I would spend my life with. It may not be tomorrow....but trust Him to do exactly what needs to happen at exactly the perfect time.
Here is my mirror therapy (this is posted on my bathroom mirror):
Rejoice in the Lord always, I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present you requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Phil 4:4-7

Take your time during this...it is a big deal either way you go.

2 moms found this helpful

I think you need to give it your best shot. Marriage is hard and you have to work at it. If you haven't tried counseling, you haven't tried everything. Sounds like there is a slight lack in communication. You need to learn to talk while not blowing up at eachother so you can listen better. Pick your battles. Not everything is worth making a big deal over. Compromise is a big key to marriage as well.

However, you are not selfish to want to be happy. If the marriage isn't meant to be at least you and him can honestly say we tried everything when your daughter asks in the future (and she will). Hopefully, counseling or whatever you decided will help you and him maintain a good relationship so you can co-parent your child lovingly and effectively.

Good luck!

1 mom found this helpful

Hello A.,
I am not sure if you guys are believer or not, but I see that you stated that you all have tried everything. Have you tried God? God has ordained Marriage for his people and the enemy would like nothing more than to destroy it if you allow. There has to be a way to get you guys back to where you began. You did get married, so it had to be great at some point right? It takes work to enjoy a Happy Marriage. You guys have only been married a short time and surely can remember what brought you to the alter. Having kids means even more work with even greater rewards. He may be co-dependant, but you knew that when you married him didn't you? You may have even thought you could change him. While God is the only one who can change things you can support him in the process through prayer. You were made for this. God picked you to help him do what needs to be done. No, it doesn't make you better than he is, it just makes you his wife. Begin to pray for your husband daily. God is waiting to hear from you sincerely without all the preconceived thoughts and plans. He wants to work it out for you and in you. You must know that when we go to God about our spouses he usually begins with us. You can pretty much rest assured that he will. We are not perfect so there is always room for improvement. Let God work with you and he will get your husband together as well.
I can really identify with your situation in some ways and am here if you need me. God is awesome and has so much in store if you can weather the storm. The illusions of the enemy can seem so real, but they are but illusions. There is hope, Christ is that hope and if we would just seek him first, your joy will be restored! Praying for you both.

1 mom found this helpful

A., I have been married for 15 years and the first 3 years were the hardest. I think that when you bring 2 people together no matter how compatible they are its tough to compromise. I would say pick your battles not everything is worth having control over and the things you are most passionate about say so. ( you dont get to be passionate about everything in a marriage no matter who it is with) or it will push the other person away. You will also have to agree to disagree on somethings. My husband and I are opposites and in the beginning I fought it. we seperatted for 9 months, when I realized that my hapiness wasnt dependent upon him and I learned to appreciate our differences and use his strengths since they werent the same as mine and vise versa. I had a change of attitude. That freedom of thought allowed me to be more flexable in our relationship and gave us both room to grow and make mistake. We are not perfect people and if you trully love him the way he is than make it work. Remember you cant control or change other people only yourself. The more you try to please him the more he will try and please you. Figure out in your heart what you like and talk with him set goals together and speratley you dont have to loose yourself in a marriage. Celebrate your differences and praise each other often. In the heat of an argument take a deep breath and time it out, to discuss when your not so emotional. As far as staying together for the kids and marriage is for life etc. that is what the idea is but no matter who you are with it takes a lot of work and compromise, it is not a magical equation. Good luck

1 mom found this helpful

Although, you are the only person who knows your feelings and relationship (and can be the best judge), this quote has been a bit of guidance for me.

This friend of my father's once said (while in his second marriage),

"If I knew marriage was this much work, I would have stayed married the first time."

Good luck, my thoughts and prayers are with you.

1 mom found this helpful

A.,
I sure have been where you are. My husband and I went through tough times for a couple of the reasons that you cited. We went to a seminar that is experience-based so we could learn something different than what we learned from our parents and it changed our marriage. He could hear me in a way that he seemed unwilling or unable to before and we got our families out of our marriage but were able to create boundaries so they were still family. Just redefined!
Go to www.relationshiprich.org they really helped us and it was a step up from counseling. Really.
You are welcome to call me if you would like to hear more from me. It just helped us get new perspective on the kind of spouses and parents we want to be for ourselves and for each other.
my cell # is ###-###-####
I truly hope to hear from you.
Sincerely,
B. P

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One day, I realized that it just wasn't going to work and that I was done trying while I was married to my 1st husband. (We'd been married 3 yrs, together for 7, I was 25, and 3 months pregnant with our daughter and had a 2.5 yr old son at the time.) We did counseling, but I was just "done". I made the decision that I would rather raise our children in a split home than to set the example that it was OK to live in a marriage where everyone is miserable. It was a long hard process and I'm pleased every day with my decision.

Good Luck ~
C.

P.S. I am remarried (for 2 yrs), and from my experience, you CAN tell when it's right. We have a higher level of respect for each other than we do ourselves, we miss each other when we're away for mere hours at a time, and we are best friends. These things I, nor my current husband, had with our prior marriages.

1 mom found this helpful

go to retrouvaille.org and check out their weekend program. It's not a huge committment but if you both will just go, you will either reconnect or figure out that you can't. I am a divorce lawyer and have never seen a more successful program for people on the fence. There are also several good books out there to take you through some steps to evaluate where you are in the relationship. Don't give up yet. If you can make it work well for YOU (and yes that is key) then it will be the best situation for your baby to have the family intact. Don't just give up. J. D.

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There's only one way to have a happy marriage and that is with the Lord. You probably 'invited' Him to your wedding....well invite Him to your marriage. It takes three. You made a vow. Honor it. Unless there's a Biblical reason you cannot leave your husband because 'you are not happy', try to think of how to make him happy and stop thinking about yoursef.
Two years is just the beginning. Not long enough to even know each other.Pray daily (together) and ask Him to guide and direct ya'll.
Bless you....He WILL help but just waits to be asked. And even then it will be in His time. Anything worth having is worth working for. Never give up.

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A., I totally agree with you. I left my first husband when my daughter was 2. I think it was the smartest thing I've ever done. The relationship would have never worked, no matter how hard I tried. He would have never been the dad my daughter needed either. I think it's easier when the kids are small too, they just grow up knowing daddy isn't there instead of feeling loss and rejection like older kids do.

I've been with my second husband for 11 yrs now. Life isn't always perfect (far from it) but there IS a difference in a relationship worth fighting for and one that isn't!!! We love eachother greatly, work on things together, and parent the kids as a team. He has been daddy to my daughter since she was 3, now she's almost 15. He's the one she makes fathers day cards for, takes to school for breakfast with dads, and shares all of lifes memories with. She has actually thanked me for finding her such a great dad, she's old enough now to realize hers is a loser (on wife number 4 now) and to understand why I left him.

I think you should listen to your heart and go with your gut feelings. Don't pass up Mr. Right or even a happy content life as a single mom while trying to raise your husband too. Let his mom do that.

1 mom found this helpful

I, too, recommend counseling. I also recommend the book, "How to be Cherished, A Guide to Having the Love You Desire" by Marilyn Graman and Maureen Walsh. I have done a lot of workshops and read all of Marilyn and Maureen's books. I can honestly say that I wouldn't be married today, nor would I have the great marriage that I have, if it weren't for these wonderful ladies and their insight into relationships and people. Yeah for you that you are willing to ask the questions and look at how you can grow from your current situation. Good luck!

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LIFE IS TOO SHORT! YOu are not selfish because you want to be happy! Please go on with your life . For you and your daughter. You are a role model for her and you can show her how to be in a HEALTHY relationship if you move on and find that. You make your own happiness and the other person in your life needs to make their own too. Don't settle and then waste precious years.
LC

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You've received lots of great responses! I would like to suggest checking out Half Price Books for some of those Gary Smalley videos (of course that is if you still have a VCR!). I found a whole set of them about 5 years ago for $1.00 each. I'm not sure where they are now, maybe sold them at a garage sale.

Also, a Christian author, Stormy O'Martian (yes, that's her last name), has a set of books called "The Power of a Praying Wife" and a few others which I can't think of right now. She recommends praying for your husband and the things that you would like to change and God will work on your husband, probably will work on you too!

If you and your husband do not attend church, you might consider looking for one, either on your own now while separated, and then possibly together once you have reconciled. There are many opportunities to go on marriage enrichment retreats, have fellowship with other couples, possibly do mission work and see how many people are not as blessed as you. I see that you live in DeSoto. Hampton Road Baptist is a good church. I'm sure there are other non-denominational churches around as well, but I'm not familiar with them.

Good Luck!

1 mom found this helpful

Please, please don't give up on your marriage. It IS a life long commitment, and you should treat it like one. If you want to be together, you CAN be together. Having a baby puts MAJOR strain on a relationship, and if you had any issues before, it will only make them SEEM worse because you're tired and scared. Also, unless he's being abusive or harmful to you, try not to be too hard on him. If he's feeling a little codependent, it's probably because he's feeling nervous about raising a baby, and we all call our moms when we need advice. Set some expectations and make some goals. Then TRY really hard to make it work. I can almost guarantee you'll be glad you did.

1 mom found this helpful

A.,

Marriage has it's ups and downs. The first 2 years of almost any marriage are hard. You are both adjusting to each other and learning to try to do for the other before you do for yourself. Then add in a new baby.....the new relationship of marriage and knowing each other as spouses and lovers has a new twist added and you need to know each other as parents. Don't give up. If you both are willing to try and make it, then try counseling through your church or a private counselor, but find someone to help you both sort things out. Remember love is not a feeling, it is a choice. Just like when the baby is screaming and crying because of teething or whatever, we may not feel the love at that moment, but we choose to love our baby and try to comfort them. Choose to love, not give up, if possible. Divorce is hard and with a child, it is really hard. I know from experience. Make sure that is what you really want because once you start the divorce, people change because of feelings getting hurt and the pain that you both will go through. Sometimes, it is the only answer, but sometimes we only think that it is the answer. The real answer is to make sure that you have a 3 way marriage in which it is God, you and your husband. Turning to the Lord and remembering to love as Christ loved will make both of you better partners and better parents.

I will be lifting you up in my prayers and remember that Christ loves you no matter what choice you make.

Good morning A., I see you have received much advice and I know it will take a while to sort through so I will keep my message short.

FIrst I would like to tell you is to take it to the Lord, and wait to see what He has to say. He is our Counsellor and our Healer and we need to take it to Him first. I know He will have the best counsel on how to handle your situation.

Gary Chapman has a book called "The Five Love Languages" which I believe you will definitely find helpful. You can also purchase this on cds. Here is his site http://www.fivelovelanguages.com/.

Blessings
C.

Inspiring the Wellness In You!
www.pebblecrossing.com

Have you tried counseling? I don't know if you had any pre-marital counseling or not, but counseling could help you find the roots of your issues apart and together and maybe help you grow stronger together. In the Bible it calls us to be equally yoked (2 Corinthians 6:14) with other believers, which would include our spouse. It also calls the wife to Respect her husband, and for the husband to Love his wife. It is a give and recieve. When as a wife you Respect your husband, he will in turn show you his Love for you! It really does work. My marriage started faltering shortly after we were married. I didn't see things that were in front of my eyes when we were dating, until we were married and I was around it all the time. It takes patience and Love!! Read 1Corinthians 13:4-8 and really think on it. If you really love him you can make it work.
1Corinthians 13:4-8 reads:
Love is Patient, Love is Kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It Always Protects, Always Trusts, Always Hopes, Always Preserves. Love Never Fails.

Hi A., to stay in unhealthy relationship for the children probably not a good idea. People often stay married for a wrong reasons, they often don't realize it and justify everything. But my advise to you is, if you can't think of healthy reason why YOU DO WANT TO BE WITH that person then hurry up and get out. It's not selfish - it's being responsible. The only thing you'll get from staying is to make tremendous damage to yourself, your child and your sometimes dearly loved husband. Love is respect. You loos it - your relationship is over. It's (not to say imposable)hard to gain it back, because on the end of the day it's not other person it's the result of dynamic of our choices. Everything starts from ourselves.
Taking responsibility and make right choices is very hard think to do, but it's the only right think to do. THE BEST THINK YOU CAN DO TO YOUR SELF AND YOUR LOVED ONES IS TO BE HEALTHIER ADN HAPPIER YOU. Best wishes, M..

P.S.: But of course only you know what's right for your situation, you can't follow anybody's advice.

Girlfriend, I feel your pain! I've been married for 7 years and my husband and I are going through a lot right now as well. Since it's easier to give advice than take it, my advice is if you are considering getting back together, do it for the right reasons and consider a few counseling sessions as well to work through some of the major issues. Know that children are aware, and if you aren't happy when you are with him, do you want your precious little one to grow up in an unhappy and unstable household? Sometimes the gut instinct is what we should go with - some people say its our guardian angel guiding us. . .

This is a tough one b/c I don't know you. Marriage isn't easy, and it takes a lot of work. I'm not one to say Oh, just get divorced. However, I do think that sometimes there is a point where you should think and pray about it to decide what's best for your family. I also do not think that you should EVER stay together just for the kids. That is not a healthy environment for any child, and your daughter deserves parents who love her, even if she has parents who aren't married. You are not selfish for thinking about happiness. Everyone deserves to be happy. Have you tried marriage counseling? If you're a religious person, I would think about talking to the pastor of your church. Sometimes bringing in an outside party can help you both figure out how to make things work. I hope that you can come to a decision that you're happy with, no matter what you decide.

I'm no expert, but if you both love each other and want to be together...then you do, but for the right reasons. The baby can't be the only reason. You have to find happiness within yourself too...not just your relationship. Maybe couseling? Maybe start dating again....each other, that is. Maybe he needs counseling about his co-dependant issues with his family (was married to one of these...divorced now, but not because of that)...let him prove himself...to you and him. Best of luck!
Always remember...do what you do for yourself first...be happy.

Hey, My husband and I were married for 10 rocky years. We have two boys and divorced at the first of the year. I have to say it was the best thing for all of us. He is now my best friend and still an amazing daddy. The boys are so much happier because there is less stress in the house. I move about 3 miles away from him and he sees the boys everyday. We still go to baseball and football together. We have family dinners and celebrate all holidays together. He has a new girlfriend and she understands our relationship and that the boys and their happiness will always come first. I did not ever believe in divorce I am the first one in my family to every go thru one but we agreed to make it the best divorce ever. I would not trade what we have now for anything. We talk more and actually enjoy each others company. We do not have set visitation it is just what ever we want. A good divorce is possible you just have to realize that a friendship is more important and it is easier to be friends than to hate each other.

Good luck with your decision and just know it is your life and as long as you and your daughter are happy that is all that matters. People will tell you it is wrong and try to change your mind but just stand your ground because it is very easy for people who are not in your situtation to judge you. You are the only one that knows what is right.

I agree the first couple of years are very difficult and even harder when you add a baby to the marriage. I think you should try getting help for the both of you. You need to ask yourself if you love him and if the answer is yes then you fight for it. It is much better to try everything you can and if it does not work well then at least you can look back and know you did everything in your power to make it work. You would be suprised out how well counseling can help your marriage if you are both willing. Best of luck.

Dear A. G,

I've already said a prayer for you and your family. You didn't say whether or not yall have tried counseling, but I highly suggest that you do. You need to both go. It sounds like your husband may also have some issues he needs to work on individually as well, but a good marriage counselor can help yall work on the relationship issues. I also suggest that yall find a church to go to together. Try to get on with a good children's ministry. We go to Fellowship (the one in Grapevine), but there are plenty good churches around.

FYI--both of these suggestions--counseling and church--are good suggestions for you, even if yall split.

Best luck to you. May God bless all of you.

Deb D

PS Our church web site, www.fellowshipchurch.com, has a link to names of Christian counselors. Click on the "Member Care" link.

DD

Yes it can get better. EVERY relationship has its ups and downs but this kind of relationship is worth it. Get into counceling....talk out your issues-don't just run from them.

There have been many a times that my husband is on my last nerve and doesn't listen to a thing I say and doesn't seem like he respects me but those times when I'm so frustrated and have myself thought about leaving-don't even compare to the wonderful,great times in our marriage.

It's also hard when you have an infant. It took till my first born was about a year and a half for me and my husband to get back to good. We had only been married 11 months when we found out we were pregnant so we didn't get time to enjoy being newlyweds before we lept into parenthood...that's a big stress in so many ways.

Give it a chance and I say let him move in AFTER you have a calm talk about the issues you two have. Also-make a date night. Find someone to watch your daughter so that you to can get out and be a couple. It may not sound like much but it's a lot!

I pray things go well...

Marriage is a line of mountains. to get to the end you have to climb up and climb down..and it willl not be smooth. Every Relationships go thru it. I am on my second marriage and happily married. first marriage 13yrs 2nd marriage 20yrs.. but if i could go back and make the first one work. i would. i went thru the same trails in my second marrage..i just stood back and handled them like a adult and no run from the problems. I also love to dance and so does my husband. too much to write you. but let me tell you something me and ex 's do not get along. When first grandchild is born and graduations and hollidays the kids are here there and everywhere. I/2 time with mom 1/2 time w dad. My son was shot and my ex would not go to the hospital because i was there. Our first grandchild was born. same. Marriage is hard work and a lot of commitments..adjust to each others way and quit looking a the negative and like at what you first loved him for. A old man that was married 60 yrs said Put every thing you have and make it HAPPY. AND EVERY THING ELSE WILL FALL INTO PLACE. THERE ARE SO MANY GIFTS FOR YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND TO SHARE IN THE FUTURE...BUT ONCE THAT RING IS BROKEN IT WILL BECOME A MAZE THAT THE FAMILY WILL HAVE TO FACE. IT IS SO HARD TO EXPLAIN. I SEE IT CAUSE I AM LIVING IT. I LOVE MY 2ND MARRIAGE..BUT NOW THAT I LOOK BACK MY FIRST MARRIAGE WAS ALSO GOOD. MY PASTOR SAYS WE NEED TO CHANGE OURSELVES BEFORE WE CHANGE ANYONE ELSE. YOU HUSBAND LOVES YOU...IF HE IS TRYING TO MOVE BACK. I HAVE LEARNED TO SHUT UP, SILENCE UNTIL THE STORM HAS PASSED ...WE TALK WHEN WE ARE CALM. EMAIL ME IF YOU EVER NEED TO TALK TO SOME ONE:-) YOU ARE YOUNG AND MAYBE DO NOT UNDERSTAND THIS NOW. BUT TAKE A STEP BACK AND LOOK AT YOURSELF. OUR KIDS GROW UP AND ALL THE GIFTS THAT COME WITH OUR HARD WORKED FOR MARRIAGE WILL COME.
____@____.com

Bottom line is whether HE is willing to go into counseling. If he isn't, then there's nothing you can do. It takes two people and God to make a marriage. YOU get into counseling ANYWAY so you'll understand what attracted you to him, or you'll just jump into another similar situation. I certainly would not let him move back in without making some real changes in behavior and attitude. Words are cheap.

Have you tried conseling with a paster or a professional. I love Dr. Phill and he had some good books and work books. I would say that people learn how to treat you by the way you allow them to treat you. Before you get back together you should make a list of the reasons your not together and meet somewhere alone to talk about those issues, if theres something that you want him to change have him show you he has changed it not just said he would actions speak lounder than words. My grandparents were together for like 30 years and my grandmother decided to stop drinking and my grandpa didn't want to so she kicked him out and basicly said you can come back when you have, she was not going to allow drinking in her house. well a coulpe months went by and I think he finally decided it was better to stop drinking than to be without his wife and family. She laid down the law and told him how it was going to be and he changed to be with her. She couldnt change him but he could change himself. Best of luck.

If you want to do any marriage counseling. A great practice is:

The Center for Christian Counseling
c3christiancounseling.com
###-###-####

They have 3 locations: Bedford, Flower Mound, and Frisco. They are amazing and do marriage counseling. It is worth a try before giving up. Good Luck!

No it is absolutely NOT wrong to try to work things out for the sake of the children. It is always rough the fist few years of marriage becuase you guys are still adjusting. I have been married for 6 years now and I have had to take the focus off of my "happiness" and focus on what is good for the marriage. Don't get me wrong, I love being married to my husband, but marriage can be tough sometimes. I have a 2 yr old son and I realize that my son may not live in a perfect home, but he has a father that comes home every night to his mother. THAT is STABILITY. My mother and father had a rocky relationship as well, but, I benefited most from knowing that my father loved us enough to stay with our family. If you and your husband can't work things out, you child's father can end up re-marrying and starting another family. How do you think that will make Madison feel?
PLEASE GET COUNSELING. It works, trust me I know. Also, talk to other women that have a POSITIVE view of marriage. Sometime our "friends" can feed into our negativity instead of offering positive solutions. I pray that you and your husband work things out. You can e-mail me anytime you want to talk.

C.

Hi A.!
I would say that if you have a little faith, you can weather things you never knew you could. I have been in your shoes, and my marriage was brought back from the brink of divorce to what is now the most fulfilling relationship....I do have a book recommendation, like a lot of the other replies. "The Blessed Marriage" by Robert and Debbie Morris you can get it online at Gatewaypeople.com plus, what timing! There is a marriage seminar at our church July 18-19. I am pretty sure it is free, but you might have to register...here is a link to it
http://www.gatewaypeople.com/channels/thrive/
Putting God in the center of our troubled marriage, and not caving in to the enemy's constant barrage of issues has restored it to a marriage that is BETTER than when we first got married, that was almost 9 years ago! I hope things work out for you, I will pray over your marrigage tonight in my prayer time.....

You two are still newlyweds. Two years is not enough time to know who you married and their personal habits or quirks. On top of this you had a child together.

What are you two constantly fighting over? Is it money? Is it time to go out and party (you said you love to dance)? Is it just eating out? Is is the people at your job that you like more than your husband? Are there more single people t your job than married people? Are you still trying to compete as a single person being a married person? These are a lot to answer but only you can do that.

What makes you so unhappy? Happiness is a state from within oneself. The only person that can make you happy is you. So look inside and see what you can do to change that.

As far as hubby always running home. Was/is he a mama's boy? Did you see that before you got married? Did you think you could change him after your were married into the man of your dreams? What don't you like about your in-laws? What do you like about your in-laws?

Marriage is a give and take. Remember the vow says: "Till death do us part, in sickness and health, for richer and for pooer." Stop and think it through and you may find your answers.

I know I have battled with this and if you are truly committed to the person no matter what is going on in your life you will abide by the vows. But I don't live in your marriage - I live in mine and it will be 37 years in the fall. So yes, I have had ups and downs and I am going through a down with a medical issue for hubby that could be life threatening. But I am trying to find happiness within the possible sadness - it's a choice.

Good luck to you. The other S.

If you really want to try to make the marriage work, my suggestion is a good, Christian counselor. Maybe you could make that one of the requirements before you consider allowing him to move in with you. God bless you! I hope you can work it out.

Well, your request created a deluge of responses!! I will try to make this brief. I believe marriage is worth trying everything one can to make it work, especially if there are children involved. I echo some others advice: Get counseling from someone who will help you and your husband look at the unresolved issues each BRINGS WITH YOU to the marriage. If you divorce without doing this, you will almost certainly have problems in your next relationship (and as young as you are you will be in another relationship) around the core issues you each have that are unresolved. The person may seem different and act different, but after the "glow" of a new relationship wears off, the unfinished business will rear it's head again. Since you have a child, why not delve into healing the core issues and try to learn to love again in this relationship first. Then if divorce is eminent, you'll feel you truly have done all you could and you'll be ready with emotional wounding healed or healing for the next relationship. I highly recommend a book by Dr. Harvelle Hendrix, "Getting the Love You Want, A Guide for Couples". Counselors trained in this method are all over Dallas area and many do weekend workshops that are wonderful for getting much therapy done in a short amount of time. There are also video programs available. I recommend Drs. Dave and Margie McKeown in Rockwall. Their website is: www.daveandmargie.com and the website for Imago Therapy by Dr. Hendrix is: www.gettingtheloveyouwant.com/. Both websites are filled with good information and workshop schedules. Give yourself this gift and I think you'll always be glad you did. God bless you, your child and your husband.

if you don't try again will you always wonder- what if I had tried once more? what if i had tried a little harder? maybe my daughter would have had her daddy play alot bigger role in her life?

Looks like you have received plenty of replies. I just want to reiterate the theme that marriage is a lot of work. But oh so worth it. I think people today are to quick to call it quits before they even try. I have been married for 34 years, and it has been a life of many curves and bumps, but we made a commitment to each other, before God and our families, till death due us part. I wouldn't trade those bumps and curves for a straight road. Part of the "struggles" is what makes us grow as wives, mothers, and women. Your marriage for yourself and daughter are worth fighting for. I have always liked Dr Phil, and one of his favorite sayings is that you have to earn your way out of a marriage. Please don't be too hasty in throwing away your marrage. And I wish you the best.

It's hard when things seem to go wrong this early in a marriage, but now there's a child involved. You need to seek counseling before you throw in the towel Many churches have counseling with a sliding fee scale.
Your daughter deserves a family.
You must have married him because you loved him. Try to figure out why and see if you can go from there.
I will pray that the Lord gives you the strength and courage to do what is right for your daughter, you and your husband.

You need to get some help for both of you. You need to find out where the problem lies.
The Dependency on his family is the hardest. It has taken some years for my husband to get over his. But realize his family raised him that way.

Wow what a mix of advice.
You have to decide what is most important. your life as a 'single' woman and your child without her father (no one loves your child like you or your husband).
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You made decision a that not only effects the adults but the kids too. Is he so bad that he does not deserve his family or are you having second thoughts and it is taking away the intimacy in your relationship?
If his family is interfering, agree to move away just far enough that they can't just drop in but are close enough for emergencies.
Being divorced is not at all fun and the way you will be treated, don't let anyone tell you it is like a party because it is not.
Please sit down and make a list of where you want you AND your child to be in five years. Make a list of the things you like and dislike about hubby. Does he hit you? Does he neglect you? Does he hurt the baby? Is he so irresponsible that he needs more time to grow on his own watch?
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You have made a choice and now your child has to live with it. People think getting married and having kids is so wonderful and they jump right in only to find it takes work, compromise and sacrifice.
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My friend was just having terrible troubles and she has a heavy load and went to a marriage workshop provided through a church. She said it was so much fun and they were able to relax and enjoy each other and work out many issues and REFOCUS.
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I beg of you to make every effort before you jump back out.
I made this hard choice many years ago and I wish I could say it turned out better for my child who is also a teen than the other gal.
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The partying scene will get old fast and the money will be hard to get and the time will be used up every day until you are so exhausted and you will then find your male choices are slim pickings and -----you will regret this hasty decision.
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Learn to find fun in your hubby. Plan date nights-take advantage of those close relatives and be single and pick up your husband in the bar. Go to the movies.
It will cost about ten thousand dollars for the divorce and custody. Can you think of something you would like instead for ten thousand dollars? Go on a cruise with that money with your spouse. Try Jamaica or the Bahama's- it is beautiful.
Try everything first.
God bless you both and that baby!
C

Hi A.,

It's worth it! Fight for it-don't just wonder if it can get better-be aggressive about making your marriage work. It won't get easier the second or third time around-it will just get easier to leave.

Marriage is HARD. We spend so much time, effort and money on planning the perfect wedding and then oftentimes leave the marriage to chance.

What I have learned is that if I want a truly happy marriage, I have to let go of my rights and begin to lay my life down for my husband. Let your husband know that you are committed to him and your precious daughter. Let him know that divorce is NOT an option. If you don't feel that way, you will always have that thought lurking around your mind, waiting for the right opportunity to get in your face.

You've received a lot of good advice on this forum and all of them are telling you the same thing-don't give up, ask God for help, and be willing to do the hard things required to fight for this marriage. Don't throw it away.

God bless you.

I would ask myself if I am willing to do anything to save my marriage? If the answer was yes, then I would ask the hubby. Are you willing to do anything to save our marriage? If he says yes,....then High-tail it to a marriage counselor, that will be testimony of whether he is serious about addressing the problems. The marriage counselor can honestly tell you, after a time whether he thinks you two are going to work it out or not. The counselor is in the middle, with no emotional baggage. I would be in a holding pattern until then. Let him stay at his mom's, you stay in the apartment. And both agree to work on it with help.
I would suspect that you have some needs that he is not meeting, but he also has needs that you are surely not meeting. If he were more secure in the relationship and your love then he would have no need to constantly run to momma. If you were more secure you would have no need to critisize, you would know he would make the right decision.
I would also encourage you to read "The proper care and feeding of husbands" by Dr. L. Schlessinger. I enjoyed it immensely. I learned some new habits.
We have married for 14 years and we all need help on this journey called marriage. Newly married or not.
Good luck,
L.

Dear A., the question you need to ask yourself first is
Why did you marry your husband in the first place?
List them all and one, ok
YOU PROBABLY MARRIED HIM BECAUSE YOU LOVED HIM, right?
NOW LOVE HIM BECAUSE YOU MARRIED HIM!
This rule of thumb has work for me, and we've been married 22 years. We've had our ups and downs..me, more downs that ups..
Now we are raising 4 kids. I totally respect my husband whether he deserves it or not, you got to know that husbands are not perfect, but he does love his family and will die for it if need be, I seem to own that for myself as well.
I stopped making much of little issues when I realized that we were in the same team and not against each other. Our kids see this and we hope we're modeling a healthy marriage for them as a blue print for their own futures. Sure we've have done a lot of maturing together and alone, close and far a part, but we've never been separated or think of divorce. We cherish each other's sense of humor or lack of it (which could also be funny). He wants my love and respect. I want his love and security. I can't wait to grow old together, chasing each other on our hoovers-chairs, playing hide and seek or playing races with our walkers...or catch each other even if we forget why we were chasing each other in the first place!

Please don't get into a fantasy relationship with another man, figure this one out first. Try to mend this relationship with your child's father. Talk it over, be firm and concised about the things or issues you would or would not compromised.

<>< EH

I believe that it takes two to make a relationship work and it sounds like you already have your mind made up that it is over. Normally, I would advise you to try and make it work, but you have to be "in it" 100% committed. If you even remotely feel like you can leave and be happier, then you aren't "in it" and it is unfair to you or your spouse to be on that kind of emotional rollercoaster. SO think about it - decide where your heart is and put 100% in the relationship or end the relationship and be "friends" for your daughters sake.

All I can say is to go to a good counselor and then you'll know what to do.

I might be saying the same thing someone else has said but I wanted to encourage you also. My first year of marriage was the roughest one for us. It was very hard, we both used the "D" word often (even knowing that was not an option for us). Before we ever got married, we both said that it is "until DEATH do us part". We both come from broken homes and did not want that for ourselves or for our children. My best friend said her toughest year was her second year of marriage. Marriage is HARD. There it is plain and simple. It is hard work because it is not all just about you anymore. You decided to get married because you loved this person. Remember that. My husband and I joke all the time that we will always live to fight another fight. It is normal and healthy. One woman said that you should be happy and be an example to your daughter and show her what true love is. I agree, show her that you decided to marry her daddy because he was the person you love and that marriage is hard work but when you love somebody you have to make sacrifices and you agree to work on things and show her not to give up so easily on herself or the commitment she will one day make. It is NEVER greener on the other side. IF you were to find someone else, you will fight with him also, remember no one is perfect. You are not perfect nor is he perfect, but he IS the father of your child. He IS her daddy. He IS your husband. Those are all powerful things. I don't know if you have ever heard the joke where the man goes to a lawyer and wants to divorce his wife and really stick it to her and the lawyer says alright I have the perfect way to do it. Go home and act like you love her, do all the things you used to do, romance her, be good to her, have fun with her so she won't expect it coming at all and then come back to me when you are ready and we will get her for everything. He hadn't heard from the man in awhile so he called and said, are you ready to get started on the divorce papers and the man replied, what are you talking about, I've never been happier, I love my wife. I am sorry to keep rambling. One last thing, this is one of our families favorite quotes: "And remember kids, God made you special and He loves you very much". I hope this helped some.

Dear A.,
Good morning first let me ask you do you have the Lord in your life and havea church home. Your marriage will never work unless you have the lord in it and your life.Through him all things are passible.
Wish you good luck and God Bless.
J. Garrett

A.,
Making yourself happy is not being selfish it is living your life. The happier you are the happier your daughter will be. If you can take care of her and do it on your own then I say take a break from him, if it is meant to be then set it free if it comes back to you keep it! There you go hope this helps, always take care of you too! I would never like it if my parents had stayed together just for me, but remain in good spirits with your ex as he will be in your life forever with your daughter! Hope you are doing ok.

Hi A.,

I feel your pain because i was and occasionally am in the situation that you are in right now. I've been married for only a year and we've been fighting since then. We are two totally different person. I divorced once so I really don't want to divorce any more. From my experiece, and I hope you can benefit from that, couple with kids should not get divorced. It's very bad for the kids. My son is almost 4. He is very confused with his relationship with his father and his stepfather. Another thing is you can work it out if both of you want this relationship. I watched Will Smith on Ellen's show the other day. He said one thing that was so right. He said if you both don't consider divorce an option and realize that you got stuck with each other forever. There are always ways to work things out. Stop complaining, learn to accept. Start to care more and you should see some improvement. I think the first year after marriage is supper hard and the first year after having a baby is hardest stage for a relationship because there are a lot of adjustment. Most of the time is just power struggle. Learn to let it go and enjoy your lives and if not, just enjoy your own life and the wonderful life together with your daughter. Just try a little bit harder and give it some time. Hope good things can happen to you. good luck!

A. - I think many people go through a difficult time in their marriage at some point, and many times it is in the beginning, especially when children come. From what you said, you were married for a short time before Madison was born, and that can be hard, as children alone pose a challenge to a marriage, and if they come too soon, you don't have the time and opportunity to work out your differences. Remember, everyone has differences. However, that does not mean you can't work out. My advice is that you look for a marriage counselor, a good one, and go together with him to work things out. Set your heart at it, and save your marriage. One day you both felt you loved each other to the point of getting married, and only 2 years seems like an adjustment struggle rather than something you can't work out. I hope you both can grow as individuals and as a couple, and help your love flourish again. Good luck.

Have you tried marriage or family counseling? (church pastor)Sometimes we want relationships to work even more when children are involved, but that should not be the only reason for staying. You want to create a loving and happy environment for yourself and child. My parents split when I was 8, but I always had my mom and dad and knew they both loved me. I could remember the fighting and arguing and did not miss it. You seem to be happier where you are now. Yes, marriage is a commitment to each other that includes love, respect, and responsibility. It's not enough to just say I am
married, you deserve peace, happiness and stability. Good for you recognizing the issues and addressing it early. Many deal with these things for years and it becomes a part of their unhappy life. I'm certainly not saying go get a divorce tomorrow, but it seems as if you all have issues to address. Take the time to work on it and try to compromise. No matter what happens, remember, he will be a part of that baby's life. Try to keep a respectful relationship for her sake. Good luck and I hope you make the best decision for yourself and that baby girl.

I would only add that "happy" is not just a state of being, it takes effort, commitment, and a desire to give. In our culture we grow up with the notion that Love=Romance. After 20 years of marriage, I can tell you that love is a choice you make. There were many seasons that I didn't "feel" that I was in love, but I chose to honor my vows and God honored that. My husband grew and matured as did I and with God's help and grace we overcame life's challenges growing closer as opposed to growing apart. Neither of you will be the same person 5, 10, 20 years from now. If you go into the relationship with an attitude of what can I give vs. what am I getting out of it, you will find the journey much more rewarding.

God Bless You!