Registry Etiquette

What you should do is be thankful for any gift that you receive and act as such. Registries are meant to be a suggestion to guests for the types of things you would like to receive IF they are interested in knowing this. No one owes you a gift at all, let alone a gift of your choosing. I think you are completely missing the point. I can't believe you would go so far as to tell a guest that they need to buy off your registry, this is the epitome of rudeness IMHO, how ungrateful. If you dislike a particular gift or get a duplicate, return it, donate it, or regift it. I know I sound mean, but you really should know how rude this is. You might as well send an exact list with prices to everyone's home and then check off their gift as they come in the door to make sure you got what you wanted! Seriously?

8 moms found this helpful

I am glad you are asking for etiquette advice because clearly you think you are entitled to gifts. Gifts are an expression of generosity. If you don't need/want items you are given - write a sincere and grateful thank you note and then donate the item to charity.

Proper manners would include being gracious and grateful!

7 moms found this helpful

You should not do anything. You thank any one and everyone that brings you a gift and do it graciously. They should buy what they want to where they want to. You should not even encourage gifts--that is rude. You are inviting people to celebrate your marriage, right? Not to bring you things. If this is a baby shower, and they are buying new, you will be able to return items.

This isn't about what you want--it is about what your friends and family want to do for you (generally something you want anyway). Have the good grace to zip it and say thank you.

BTW, it is just as rude to ask for gift receipts as it is to ask for gifts. You are still assuming that you are entitled to a gift, and you are letting the giver know that you will likely not be happy with what you receive. I know your intention is not to hurt peoples' feelings, so please don't do this.

6 moms found this helpful

Hi K.,

The etiquette of a registry is really about offering friends or guests who don't know what you want some guidance. That's it - it is not about you dictating what should be bought for you. I adore a registry when buying for people I don't know well - it makes it so easy for me! But when I'm buying for people I adore, I don't always buy from the registry because I am into giving them something special from my heart to theirs. For baby shower gifts, I love to give them things that they may not know are so great - like the "butt paste" someone else mentioned here, Hyland's teething tablets that moms on this forum rave about, breast pads when I know they're going to nurse,etc, things that especially new moms wouldn't even know to try. One friend of mine who just had her 4th baby told me she was at her wits end with colic and opened up her medicine cabinet to get herself a Tylenol when she saw the Colic tablets I bought her from Babies R Us - she had forgotten about it. She tried them and loved them! That's an example of why you should not just hope for registry gifts.

The other ladies are giving you correct advice about not trying to strongly encourage anything. Enjoy what you get - it's a tough economy and not everyone can afford to buy gifts.

Addition: I just read that one poster recommended that you "demand" they include a gift receipt - wow. I thought I had heard it all, but I guess I haven't!
That's astonishing.
D.

6 moms found this helpful

It is in poor taste to dictate to others how to provide you with gifts. That being said, I too had always hoped that people would purchase off of my registry because those were things I *needed* for my newborn as opposed to getting a bunch of stuff that would never be used. But hey, a gift is a gift and something I didn't have the day before!

Why does it matter if they get your desired gift from Store A (which might be less expensive, more conveniently located, they might have a gift card/credit card for that store, etc.) as opposed to getting it from Store B? You're still getting a gift! If you're really offended by someone buying you something from Store A instead of Store B, then you can always either take the item off the registry from your desired store when you receive it OR if you get duplicates of the item, you can return the item to your desired store and use the store credit amount to buy something off your registry that wasn't bought.

However, it is always up to the gift-giver to decide what he or she wants to give as a gift. Accept your gifts graciously; they are under no obligation to give you gifts in the first place. Demanding gifts in this matter is really tacky and makes you look greedy.

5 moms found this helpful

registries are useful ideas for those who need 'em, not 'strong suggestions.' if you honestly feel that you are entitled to demand strongly, i'd forego the registry altogether and just send each guest a note telling them what you want them to buy and where you want them to buy it from. that way you'll get exactly what you feel you deserve and won't have to spend a single moment on bothersome tasks like returning the gift someone cared enough about you to buy.
khairete
S.

2 moms found this helpful

I actually despise registries. I think is a form of begging. Of course, I am very picky about what I want and need so would prefer to purchase my things myself. As for my wedding, my dear MIL insisted I do a registry. I did and many people on my husbands side of the family did not use it. Instead I received so many items I thought were regifts. I ended up with 4 george forman grills and some awful 200tc sheets (yuck) that didn't even fit my bed. My family knew me well enough to know that a beautiful card (with or without a token of congratultions) was enough to me. As for my children, I wanted to buy everything because I didn't want to ask anyone to purchase the $250 stroller or $175 car seat. That is my job. I decided to have babies so its my responsibility to buy the things I need and/or want. But if someone WANTS to buy something that's great and I appreciate their kindness. Don't drive yourself crazy thinking about what others do for you.

On the other hand, I do use registries for people I don't know well. For those I do know well, I don't. Good luck and congratulations

2 moms found this helpful

I agree with the others. No one owes you anything.

Some of the best gifts I received were ones I did not register for. So relax and enjoy.

2 moms found this helpful

Unless you really need help buying baby care essentials (in which case, you should find a nice way to express that you need help), I say just accept all gifts, thank the givers graciously, and leave it at that. If you receive duplicates or things you don't want, you can return them or pass them on to someone more needy. Gifts should be gifts, not obligations.

2 moms found this helpful

After reading some of the responses, I just wanted to add that a registry is simply to give those (who don't have a clue what to get you) an idea of something you would really like or find useful. It is not intended to be a shopping list.

Friends of mine got married back in the fall, and I used their registry to figure out what to get them. But after shopping around, I found the exact same item they registered for, at another store for cheaper.

Anything you get (new) can be returned, in the event that you receive duplicates. If it is a hand-me-down or something used, either re-use it or save it to pass along to someone else.

Be grateful you are receiving gifts at all. That is after all what they are...gifts. =)

2 moms found this helpful

I have mixed feelings about registries. I know what you are going through because my registries were largely ignored, but on the other end, I can say that I would often go shopping off a registry at popular stores and the items on the list were out of stock, not available either on line or in the store, or way more expensive than at another store or all the available items in my price range were already taken. Also, there would be things on the list that I knew sounded great but the mom wouldn't ever use. You can tell them that you would really like things off your registry but realize that some of the best gifts you will receive are things you wouldn't ever think of. Also, tell people that tell you they are going to buy off registry to please try to include a gift receipt in case there are duplicate gifts. That is really all you can do.

1 mom found this helpful

To be blunt: just take what you get, smile and say thank you. People aren't trying to be annoying by not buying what is on the registry or buying from another store. I've done that myself and for me it was a matter of price. I know several discount stores/outlets where I can get the exact item for less than the store the family was registered at. I don't do it to be annoying, but because I can save me some money and still provide a nice present to someone I care about.
But beyond that, remember that people are not required to buy you presents. The registry is a way of offering suggestions on things you may need but that does not make it a requirement. You will end up with duplicates. There's just no way around it. After the event, you'll just have to deal with the process of returns, but don't do it grumbling about the people who were nice enough to buy you a present. Just do it knowing you will be able to pick out exactly what you want with the store credit.
We all need to take a step back and remember that we are fortunate in life if we have so many people who care about us enough to cause a situation such as duplicate presents!!!!!

Smile and congrats on the occassion!!
J.

1 mom found this helpful

People are going to get you what they want to get you. It is a gift so just accept whatever it is you get graciously and return items, if possible, that are duplicates.

1 mom found this helpful

Wow-lots of opinions. I agree that you need to accept any gifts graciously and thank the giver. Most items can be returned to the store for credit or exchange. I have seen registries for new moms that don't include some "vital" items that I sometimes give. Anyways, if you get duplicates and can't return them, look for a crisis pregnancy center in your area-their clients would be thrilled to have the items that don't meet your needs or standards. Good luck with the new baby.

1 mom found this helpful

if they feel that strongly, i'd just leave the issue alone and let them get what they want. there is no polite way to "demand" that they shop off your registry.

1 mom found this helpful

Nope--no way to do that. You completed the registry process now the ball is in their court. Just return what you don't want or can't use.

1 mom found this helpful

while I think having registries are great because they give people an idea of the things you're really looking for and/or need, they just don't always follow them for various reasons. That could be financial, personal, hear-say, etc. I am a person that always looks at registries, but is not always able to get something from the registry (again, for various reasons) - but I do use it as a guide. Truthfully, I feel like sometimes, you just get what you get...and one should be thankful for whatever that is. Especially in these economic times, people may not be able to adhere to the exact registry, but if they offer a gift, one should be appreciative of the offer and not speculate about it's origins or why it's not the specific item you may have requested.

I hope & trust that you will receive all you need!

1 mom found this helpful

K. - I have had two children, my husband threw me surprise baby showers for both of them. I did not register for either one. I hate registries. I think it is so tacky! They want to give you a gift for the child! I got great things for my shower and some not so great things. So my husband was in charge of returning them, or I regifted.
My sister in law is having a baby shower this weekend. I literally JUST went online to look at the registry so I could go somewhere else and buy what she wanted for less money, or buy something that I know she could use.
Most women know that an outfit or two is great....then so is butt paste, nursing pads, and milk storage bags...you know.
Trust that your friends and family love you and want to give you things that are precious but also useful.
Then say "thank you" because it is a gift, not an entitlement.
L.

1 mom found this helpful

Whether or not you already have items is not the giver's responsibility. If they specifically tell you they are going to get you something from your registry at another store, just ask them if they would mind telling you so you can update the registry so someone else can buy you something different...but there are always returns and exchanges...and if i got duplicates of things, I would always use one at my house and give one to my parents to use at their house...that way grammy and grandpa would be baby friendly also!

1 mom found this helpful

Just had to add that my brother and SIL had a registry, which I used to get them the exersaucer they had listed. They ended up with three of them. Not sure if the registry failed or they had mentioned it once to often:) So, as everyone else said; don't worry over it too much. Folks will get you what they want to get. Accept it graciously and return unwanted items or duplicates and there is always consignment as well. Congratulations!

I had the same problem . I explained that the last thing I wanted to do was to drive all over to many different stores returning duplicate gifts with a new born. I was told that they would be more then happy to help by watching my daughter. I smile and asked if they were lactating. Seeing as I was going to breast feed my daughter.
Yes I realize a gift is something you should appreciate but I think when buying a gift for someone you shouldn't give them more work to do. Many stores now have a dead line as to how long you have to return an item.

Some people are new to the idea of baby registries so just accept that they wont use them. I don't think you are being difficult at all. The only thing you can do is tell people where you are registered if they ask. If they don't ask, then they probably would not use the registry anyway. Don't worry about it, the few things you get that replicate you can regift or return without a receipt to many stores.

this kind of thing will always happen. only one person told me that she would buy off registry but she told what she'd be making me. having said that, after receiving the gifts i had multiples that i couldn't take back (target only lets you take back two items without a receipt). this is especially hard when you are strapped for cash (say on LWOP and paying full health premium out-of-pocket). i got friends to help me take back duplicates or items i couldn't/wouldn't use for store credit so i could buy diapers. i regifted things if i thought it was appropriate and i gave stuff to charity. and some of the stuff i used because it was a great idea that i just hadn't thought to register for. my 4 yo has a dozen blankets, 4 of them hand made. and those weird looking pajamas will become excellent doll clothes one day. btw, there are stores i won't shop from but if you registered at say wal-mart i might buy the item somewhere else, include a GIFT RECEIPT, and go to wal-mart customer service (you may be able to the via phone or online) and ask them to remove the item from you registry. ultimately, you have no control over the gift-givers and family can be the worst and the best. in a year this will all be a distant memory. relax and congratulations!

i did not know how to handle the same situation. no one bought from gift registry and i ended up with a bazillion onesies and go gift receipts. it's sad because parents know what they need hence the registry.

K.,
I used a registry with both of my pregnancies. I think they are great.
If someone is planning to purchase an item from another store, just ask that they give you a gift receipt. That way, if it is something duplicated, or is somethig that you don't really need, you are still able to return it.
Don't stress over whether or not they use the registry.

There is really nothing you can do, this is just how some people are. They look at registries as you being greedy whereas you are just giving them ideas to stuff you can use vs. another onesis and recieving blanket set you cannot. Hopefully people will give give receipts and you or a family memeber can return the stuff for items you can actually use. Some stores (not BRU) will return items even without the receipt. After my shower I had duplictes and was able to 'throw' stuff away if it got dirty or we just donated a bunch. Maybe to a shelter or a friend who is having a baby too! Good luck! and congrats on your new arrival soon to be!

I threw a shower for my sister last April and did not even look at her registry :). She did that mainly for people out of town who were mailing gifts (and family at that who were getting more of the big ticket items :)...) She got a ton of great stuff at her shower and some duplicates, that she regifted for other friends having babies. My kids and I made her an amazing picture with her baby's name to match the room theme (from my kids) and my husband and I got her a digital camera, because you NEED one of those with a baby. So while we did not go on her registry, those were her two favorite gifts. I think registry's are great, but if you want people to get you EXACTLY what you want, ask them for gift cards in place maybe.

Updated

I threw a shower for my sister last April and did not even look at her registry :). She did that mainly for people out of town who were mailing gifts (and family at that who were getting more of the big ticket items :)...) She got a ton of great stuff at her shower and some duplicates, that she regifted for other friends having babies. My kids and I made her an amazing picture with her baby's name to match the room theme (from my kids) and my husband and I got her a digital camera, because you NEED one of those with a baby. So while we did not go on her registry, those were her two favorite gifts. I think registry's are great, but if you want people to get you EXACTLY what you want, ask them for gift cards in place maybe.

It sounds like those people are going to just do what they want to do. If you push the issue any further you are probably just going to piss them off. Demand they include a gift receipt. Send out a nice email to the guests ahead of time reminding them that you have already been given many items and that you appreciate having a gift receipt in case you get doubles. No harm in that.

i got a registry at walmart and babiesrus that way the guests could still get ff a registry. basicly a registry is to go by. if you get dupliates or dont need what you get take it back. walmart takes verything back without a reciept except electronics. i retured a bunch of tuff and just made sure i got something else for the baby in its place.

I also think it depends on where you have your registry. A good friend of mine had hers at Babies R Us which can be quite pricey, so after looking at the list I went to Walmart and Target where the same items were more affordable. She also had things that I would always have on hand with a new baby. And I had purchased her a bouncer that she had not put on her registry but come to find out had just looked at a few days prior to her shower. In the end she ended up with a gigantic bag of baby and mommy goodies that was almost too heavy for her.

Hi K.,

It is etiquette to report to the store on record that a gift has been purchased even though not at their store. You can't begrudge someone for finding it cheaper somewhere else but they should know to tell your registry store so no one else buys it. I always buy off the registry unless I know someone so well that I am sure of something they need or want that is not listed. Registering for gifts is a polite way to tell people exactly what you need. If someone chooses to do it another way, then you just have to accept their gift graciously. If it is something you don't need, return it for a refund and let it go..People will always do what they want to do.

God bless,

M.

Offer the explanation which you have given which is very rational and thoughtful. Otherwise, just keep them in their boxes and do your best to return them.