Refusing School

In my many many many many years of experience in child care the parent who brings their child into the classroom, hands them off, then just walks out tends to have a child who will adjust quicker to change and be able to get through this stage quicker.

99% of the hundreds if not in the thousands of kids I have had I can only remember 2-3 that didn't stop crying by the time mom or dad got to the car. Those few kids usually did stop crying within a little while. One of them cried all day for several days but once she realized her crying was NOT going to change the situation she stopped.

As long as you talk about it, discuss it with her, tell her it needs to stop, mention it at all you are giving her attention for crying.

She is going to continue to cry as long as she gets any affirmation that her crying is effecting anyone.

So stop, stop acknowledging she is sad, stop telling her you feel bad about her crying by your actions. Just make her walk in, give her a hug, then turn and walk away. Do not look back, don't stop in the hallway, don't do anything but walk to your car and leave. She may be able to see the car from her room and she'll see if you sit in the car and break down. By teaching her how to do this you are teaching her a life skill.

Your daughter will take her cues from you.

The teacher has said your daughter is fine after a while. That indicates that she is a little worried about saying goodbye to you, but actually likes her school.

So I suggest that you let your girl know how happy you are that she gets to go to school. When you arrive at school, you can say, "I'll go in with you so I can say hello to your teacher. You are going to have a great day today!" Take her in, and after you've spoken to the teacher, say, "Goodbye, darling - I'll be back at [two o'clock, or whatever the time will be]." Blow her a kiss and walk out. Your confidence will have a good effect on your daughter.

Teachers often have little students who cry. They know how to take care of it.

When did she start school and how long has she been going? It would seem after so long things would get better.

My daughter was this way. She is/was very shy. What helped her is getting comfortable with friends in the classroom. In particular, I planned a play date with one of the girls and continued to do so even after she started feeling more comfortable. Now this girl is one of her close friends after quite a few years. So my advice is to start with that.

Also, you need to make your goodbyes quick and short. Don't draw them out and don't let your daughter see your uneasiness. Stay confident and remind her school is important. Point out all the positives that she will learn while in school.

Good luck!

How long are you going to let this go on? She does need to get used to the idea that she will be doing things/going places without you.

Does she go to other peoples houses/playgroups and play? Do you have to be near her at these activities, also? Can you give us more information on how she is in groups of kids?

Many kids have a bit of separation anxiety at that age...the best thing is to tell her ahead of time that she is going to school today, and that you will be back at whatever time. (I know she can't tell time, but that at least tells her you aren't going away forever.) You need to make drop-off as short and non-emotional (on YOUR end) as possible... take her in, give her teacher her things, hand her over, and say.. "Bye! Have fun! I'll see you at 2 pm!" (or whatever time)

Don't "feed into" her crying... don't try to soothe her... that will give her the idea that there IS something to be crying about.

The teachers are used to this... they know how to handle the little ones that cry....

You need to help her transition while you're still at home and make sure she knows that school is a safe place to be. You also need to refuse to give in to the crying and clinging and simply drop her off. The teachers know how to handle this sort of thing. The more often she's dropped off, the better she'll be able to handle her own separation anxiety and will be able to form relationships in the classroom. The crying fits are for your benefit, not hers.

Keep taking her.
Talk up school and her teacher/s.
Ask about her day.
Tell her school is fun IF she gives it a chance (some kids feel guilty having fun without mom--make sure she knows you WANT her to enjoy it!)
Keep drop off short and sweet: Have a good day. I'll see you at 3:30 when I pick you up. ( or similar)

It's harder on the moms. They really ARE fine once we leave!
Good luck!

Prepare your daughter before you get there and tell her you are going to leave but will be back at whatever time, she won't know the time but will be sure you'll be back. Tell her it's only a little while and will be fun and that she needs to go in and play nicely until you get back. Then tell her good bye and walk out with teacher helping keep her in the room. We had one grandson who ran out into the parking lot even and got past the teacher, not a good school in my opinion. The teacher should know how to keep her busy then and she'll be fine once you are gone. If you stay or let her know you feel badly she'll keep clinging to you. She may keep it up anyhow but if she stops after you leave she's fine.

Well, she's 4. She really doesn't get to "refuse" to go to school. She might be scared, and protest leaving you, but you're the Mom so if you pay for preschool and you say she has to go then that's how it goes.

I'm assuming that this is the first time that she's had to be away from you, so of course it's going to be unfamiliar and scary to her. Talk to the teachers and let them know that it's difficult for you and for her. They see this every year many many times and they know how to redirect and soothe kids with separations problems.

Talk to your daughter and let her know what the drop off routine is going to be. Keep it simple. "so when we get to school, I'm going to walk with you to meet teacher Jane. Then I'm going to give you and BIG kiss and a BIG hug and see you after school." Then when you get to school do just that. Happy attitude and smiles to reassure her that school is a good place. Big hug, big kiss, bye bye and walk to the car.

She will be fine. Make sure that your body language and expression is positive and not full of anxiety or frustration, and she'll soon realize that school is a fun place and that Mom always comes back to get her.

You're doing fine! Keep the goodbyes short and upbeat. Don't mention the crying, simply tell her you'll be back soon. Leave her with the teacher.

I worked at a day care center and kids usually stop crying within 10-15 minutes. Some of them take a little longer, but not usually. Rarely do they cry for longer than an hour.

I know you feel horrible. You probably feel worse than she does! But she will get over it. It's very natural at that age.

You could get matching bracelets. Tell her that when she kisses the bracelet, she's sending a kiss to you. And that you'll kiss your bracelet back and she'll be getting a kiss from you. That has worked with some kids. Another mom used to kiss a locket and then close it. Then the child could carry the mom's kiss around with her all day. If your child likes tokens, that might help her a little bit.

Good luck!

I would agree with most except don't totally discount that there could be a reason she is afraid besides being just shy, but maybe one of the kids is bullying her or she doesn't understand the rules and got in trouble or something. I would spend time with her and without pressure, see if she will open up and tell you.