33 answers

Reconnecting with Husband

My husband and I welcomed our little boy into this world almost 9 months ago. I love being a mother, but things have changed between me and my husband. We do not seem to connect as much as we did before. I know most of it has to do with our roles and obligations changing once we had our child. I feel that although we are wonderful parents, my husband has lost focus of our relationship and doing things as a couple. He feels that we should focus on our son, and although I agree with that, I feel that we need some time just for us. We need time to focus on our relationship and how much we mean to eachother. Everytime i mention this to my husband, he acts as though things are fine and that relationships change and we just need to deal with it. Any advice on how to reconnect with him and make him realize that our relationship needs focus too, I would greatly appreciate.

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So What Happened?™

Thanks for all the ideas and advice! I talked to my husband and we are excited to get out and spend some time together even if it is at home. I know things will improve, we both just need to make the effort. Thanks everyone!

Featured Answers

Try telling him you miss him, you miss spending alone time / quality time, you feel distant. Tell him about the things you miss from him and how you used to feel. Tell him (even if he says he's not disconnected from you) that you want time with him.

Plan a special dinner, weekend getaway, or something you can do without baby.

Perhaps talking to a counselor about building communication and relationship building things could help.

United Way offers free and reduced priced counseling.

1 mom found this helpful

Date nights are definitely mandatory!

The one thing that my husband and I do that really works for us is to set aside about 10 minutes every night to talk about anything but kids, work and money - the things we talk about are weekend plans, someone we spoke to on the phone, a movie we heard about, politics, etc - just things that we spoke about when we were dating and when we were a couple without kids. It has helped us maintain that spark. We do this every night, and the rare night that we don't I really miss that connecting time.

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Hi A.!
My husband and I have a date night once a week. My mother-in-law comes over and watches the kids for 2 hours while we just get out of the house. Sometimes we go to dinner, a movie, run errands or just get coffee and go for a drive. I know that a lot of people don't have the luxury of having someone come once a week. The other thing that we do is bath night. After the kids are soundly sleeping, we run a candle lit bath and talk for over an hour. It's really romantic and we really connect. Sometimes it's not until 10p that we take the bath and somtimes we have to force ourselves to because we are so tired but in the end, it's all worth it. Just use your imagination and you'll be suprised as to what you come up woith. Don't forget that your family started with the two of you and it's so important to have that time together, no matter what time it is.
Good Luck,
K. :~)

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I would suggest finding a sitter that you trust and making plans for just you and your husband for the evening. Just surprise him with that.

I think after doing a set date night once a month (or more often, if you can) will remind him how much he misses being able to be with you without interruption.

Good luck!!

1 mom found this helpful

I think that you should have a relative or friend pick up the baby and bring him to their house for the night. He doesnt have to sleep their but when your husband comes home from work it will just be you and him and he wont have the baby there to distact him. Then take it from there, if you guys want to go out to eat, order in and watch a movie ect. He will probably realize how nice it is just the 2 of you and you guys can do that like once or twice a month.

1 mom found this helpful

I think this is a very common issue that arises after becoming parents in one spouse & sometimes both agreed, but you're right--you shouldn't neglect your relationship just to focus on your new baby. However, be careful using the words "make him realize", b/c you'll never "make" him do anything. There's a site I go to a lot called www.marriagemissions.com
There's loads of advice that pertain to practically every marital issue I can think of. It's been very helpful to me & my relationship with my husband. You'll win his heart again to love you the way he once did...probably better, too:)

1 mom found this helpful

I have been married for 20 years and I always told my spouse "never stop surprising me, do things you will do like we first met".

The worst thing to do is "never blend into a routine that is always the same-Boring".

It is important that you and him "weekly" - go out on a date. Doll yourself up as you would have done if you were going out with him on a first date.

It is important to send him a card expressing "how you feel" and tell him you do not ever want to fall into a boring routine. You want "SPARKS" in your relationship.

Create candlelight dinners at home and play music and dance with him.

Communication is the key factor in all relationship - you may do it verbally or in writting.

1 mom found this helpful

Not only do you need time as a couple, but you need time to be alone as well! My boyfriend and I have a rule (one that I set of course) - we each get to have one night a week to go out on our own, whether it's out with friends or out shopping or whatever, and at least one night a month to go out as a couple. If you have a trusted family member to watch your little one, schedule a night for them to come to the house while you two go out. Don't even give him an option, but be sure to plan something he'll enjoy too. If you need help connecting with other moms in your area, try www.meetup.com - there are tons of moms groups that you can join, maybe one in your own town. I love the group I'm in, we have moms nights out, couples nights, playgroups, babysitter exchanges, workout buddies, anything you could need.

Don't worry about your husband if he resists you - even at 9 months, your son is still new to him. He's probably just worried that if he isn't there all the time, your son will lose out. But it's sooo important for us all to maintain some sort of adult life, even if it's just to escape to a movie together every once in a while. Best of luck to you!

1 mom found this helpful

A.,
As a mother of 2 boys I know how you feel...This is what you need to do. Plan a night with just you and your husband. Find a babysitter for overnight. Plan a dinner or a movie or whatever you guys like to do. Maybe just a night at home for the 2 of you. My husband and I have done this as well. Just be together, just the 2 of you. You will be suprised what happens...Good Luck

1 mom found this helpful

A., it's important that you & your husband take time just for you. Explain to him that this is not just for your benefit as a couple but also for your son's benefit. Children grow up feeling most secure when they are aware that their parents love each other & have a bond that includes some private dimensions. At any given moment the child may want ALL his parents' attention focused on him, but, strangely, it's a relief to him to find that he doesn't have that power within the family structure.

When I was little, if I happened to look up & see my parents hugging each other, it made me feel really, really good. If you have any positive memories along those lines, it might help to tell your husband about them. Or if your parents DIDN'T cultivate their relationship, you can tell him how that affected you as a child.

A date once a week would be a great place to start. Best wishes with this!

1 mom found this helpful

Date nights are definitely mandatory!

The one thing that my husband and I do that really works for us is to set aside about 10 minutes every night to talk about anything but kids, work and money - the things we talk about are weekend plans, someone we spoke to on the phone, a movie we heard about, politics, etc - just things that we spoke about when we were dating and when we were a couple without kids. It has helped us maintain that spark. We do this every night, and the rare night that we don't I really miss that connecting time.

1 mom found this helpful

Hi A.,

I felt like this was a story about me aand it is not unusual for you as a couple to go through this. My husband decided that it was worth the money to hire a babysitter and we go out twice a month on Fridays to see a movie or have dinner as we felt it was very important to keep the mommy and daddy bond as well as the family bond. Your child is your number one focus, that is true but that does not mean that you cannot keep the connection you had before...It will be a different connection but it should almost be stronger because of your little man. Try if you do go out, not to talk about him all night. I always say happy mommy and daddy....happy baby. Good luck and if you need to vent feel free

1 mom found this helpful

I think this is pretty normal. Sounds like he takes his role as Dad very seriously. You are lucky there. I would suggest that you always go to bed together. Spend at least a few minutes cuddling before going to sleep even if nothing happens. It's a great way to reconnect. Try to have dinner together. Schedule a date night once a week even if its simply going out for a cup of coffee or walk around the block all by yourselves with out your son. The other is more ambitious but would be well worth it if you could do it. Plan a once a year long weekend retreat with your husband--by yourselves. If you invest in your relationship in small ways it will be well worth it. Relationships do change but not in bad ways. Don't be afraid. I'm sure he loves you more than ever as you are focused on your common goal of raising your son. Hope this helps!

1 mom found this helpful

Acknowledging that your relationship with your husband is changing is the first step to maintaining a good relationship. He should get on board with this and if you are trying to make the first step, hopefully he'll follow. Setting up a date night once a month or once a week (whatever is realistic for your schedules) would be a great start. Dinner out, coffee out, anything that can be host to conversation. i.e...a movie wouldn't be beneficial, unless it's preceded or followed by something where you can talk, just the two of you. My husband and I try to get out as much as our schedules allow and our rule is that we can't talk ONLY about our son! We have to talk about other things...work, friends, family, goals and dreams for ourselves. It works! I wish you the best of luck with this!!

1 mom found this helpful

Hi A.,
How long have you been married? Your situation is opposite of most families (I think). Usually it is the husband who wants the "wife" back. I think that it is awesome that you feel the way you do. I am sorry that you are struggling like this. I have just started feeling like "T." isn't here. I am a wife first, then a mom, and if there is any time left, and usually there isn't, I am at a lose as to who T. is. I have been married for 11 years, and we have 4 beautiful chilren. The oldest is 8 and the youngest is 4. None are twins. When my oldest was 3 1/2 we had our 4th child. Now that I tell him that I want to find the girl he fell in love with 15 years ago, he doesn't understand. I have mentioned the "date night", but then he tells me that we can't afford it. I have told him to just go to a coffee shop, but he still doesn't understand. Until I start crying one day, and then he thinks it is because I need a break. Don't give up trying. Leaving notes, call him and work and tell him that you are thinking of him, light candles. Hopefully he isn't like my husband and ask me why the candles are lit!!! This actually happened. I blew them out and went to sleep. It is a joke with us now, but it wasn't that night. Husbands are great. I know that I love mine to death. But, they are made up differently. Just keep trying. Hopefully, he will come around.
T.

1 mom found this helpful

A.,

My husband and I originally didn't want children. We had so much fun together that we really didn't want our lives to change and be so limited by the responsibilies that came along with having a family. Well, that changed and I was the first to say outloud that I wanted to start a family. He was shocked and it took a little bit for him to come around. I gave him his space and didn't nag him or force him. We have two beautiful boys now (2.5 yrs and 6 months).

In our conversations prior to starting for a family, we both agreed that although we would become "Mom and Dad", we were "T. and Rich" first and we promised that we wouldn't lose sight of that. We didn't. We dedicate our lives to our boys, but at the end of the day we are still husband and wife. Some days, that means cuddling on the couch. Some days, that means I'm on the computer and he's watching sports. Some days, I'm out with the girls or he's out with the guys.

Sure, things change with a new baby in the house. You're too tired for sex as much as before. You're knee deep in bottles and diapers. You're reading stories, giving baths, playing Candyland or peek-a-boo. But, it's important to be able to get past those things and enjoy the things that brought you where you are today.

My husband and I are lucky to have my mom willing to babysit and I have a 16 year old sister available, too. I would suggest just surprising him with a date night (Valentines Day IS just around the corner). Pick a movie that HE'D like. Go to his favorite restaurant. Then, at the end of the night, tell him how much you enjoy spending time with him and that you need to do this more often.

At home, just do little things that show him you are still attracted to him as hubby, not just him as Daddy. What husband doesn't like being hit on by their wife? I always tease Rich when he's doing something basic and tell him how sexy he looks - changing a lightbulb or whatever. It always gets him to laugh. Or, I'll just come up to him and be like, "Hey, what's your name? Wanna come in the other room with me?" Just teasing, but it lets him know that even though Shrek is playing in the back ground...I'm still thinking about him. Lol.

Good luck.

1 mom found this helpful

Well, you are absolutely correct in saying that you guys need to focus on your relationship as well. I don't know if you are a spiritual woman, but the bible tells us that God is first, then your marriage, then your children. The reason is because at some point of time your child is going to leave the nest, and what will you have then if you loose your connection now. A lot of marriages end because couples put their children before their marriage. Once the (children)are gone, you know longer know your mate, and it's hard to maintain your marriage because the connection is no longer there. Please try to set aside a time to talk with your husband about this matter where there are no interruptions.

I am a mother of three boys. My husband & I are on the Marriage Ministry at my church. We take marriage classes together, & help teach a marriage class at our church. We also attend marriage seminars & retreats. We take vacations with out the children, and we find a baby sitter every once and a while and spend the weekend out at a hotel. You can even get a baby sitter and go to the movies, or other things that both of you are interested in. If your husband likes sports, see if you guys can go see a game together, even if you don't like sports, its just a way for you guys to spend some quality time together.

God bless,
A concerned mother

1 mom found this helpful

A.,

I am now a Grandmother of 4, but I still can relate to what you are going through. When I was married I had my first child that year and then another 2 years later. My husband reacted as you are and I was more like your husband. My husband thought I did'nt love him as he loved me, because of the attention my little ones NEEDED! Unfortunatelly he left me with no warning and we never communicated the difference'es in our feelings in regard to being parents and how we felt about ourselfs. I suggest that you and your husband talk this out and listen to each other. Communication is vital and if this doesn't work maybe counseling. Just don't give up. Love doesn't die over differences such as yours or mine and if you go separate ways it still won't change, but there will be more heart ache before it gets better. So trust in your love and the love of your little one and TALK IT OUT WITH EACH OTHER! I also believe prayer helps along with reading the bible if you are a believer, and if you can do this together that would be a more positive action. I wish you the best and know that you will get through this, because you have opened up to us.
God Bless You and Your Family.

1 mom found this helpful

Everyone mentions a date night, but I think your mind is already there, it's getting your hubby on board. I am of his mindset though, so I'm upfront. I think our children NEED our focus...my husband will be around a long time...but my babies are only little and this needy for a short time. I-we looked at it as a solid foundation. We would joke about how we never went out. BUT, we did everything with our girls. We took them to dinner the movie, wherever, if the girls weren't invited, we usually didn't go. It was a conscious, joint decision to put the girls first...for now..knowing we would put us first later. Our girls are 5 & 9 now and our marriage is FANTASTIC. The sex is so much better now, we are very happy...and our girls are well behaved. I guess, the long version is I think your husband is a GREAT father and because of that he will be an attentive husband. I think it's great you guys focus on your son. AND, in the next 6 months, he will be easier to take places and do things. Just keep your eye on the long term prize of a wonderful marriage, while enjoying the very fleeting moment of your son's infancy!

1 mom found this helpful

Yes, this is hard, I JUST went through this! My husband did the same thing. I told him we need to start going out at least once a month and he was acting like it wasn't an issue. Now my son is 2 years old and we are starting to go out. Do you have a baby sitter that can watch your child (grandparents or close friend?). I would recommend going out to dinner. It isn't much, but it is a start. It is something quick.

I find I am having to take the inititive as my husband thinks everything is ok. But my husband has taken me out once or twice.

The main thing is it is hard once you have a little one to have time alone. Try once a month or every other week and go out even if it is for a little bit (start small and continue- this will help). When we first went out all we could do was talk about our son. Then eventually it changed and we just enjoyed eating and having a moment to ourselves.

What did you do when you were dating (bowling, watching a movie, or what?). Take what you used to do into consideration too. I personally like the dinner as you both need to eat and it provides an opportunity to "talk" verses a movie (where you won't talk). But you could bowl or something too (what ever you used to do).

Like I said just make small changes and he will come to enjoy going out and see what you are saying (he might not understand completely, but the two of you will have a nice time together). I don't have much of a babysitting system, so I am going out once a month. We tried to take our son with - sometimes it works, but sometimes it is too much work.

Start small, don't expect a long conversation (just try to relax and have fun yourself). Having a child changes everything (Especially your relationship with your husband). Hope this advice helps.

D. Simon

1 mom found this helpful

Hi A.,

When you have kids it does change a relationship with your husband. You just have to work that much harder on it. If you have family or friends with kids, see if you can switch off nights twice a month so that you and your husband have a date night. Try to take your child to their house so that if you just want to stay at home and cuddle, watch a movie, etc. you will have that quiet private time. Good luck! Remember, never lose the chance to kiss, write special notes on the garage door for him when he comes home or just telling him you love him. Have fun.

P. V

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My Husband and I were married for 9 years before we were blessed with out Daughter (now 4) and I understand how hard it is. We were both so used to it just being us, able to just get up and go when ever we wanted, stay out as late as we wanted, sleep until we wanted so on and so forth, that when she came along it was a tough change. For the first year, we didn't really make an effort for 'us' time. But, finally something had to give. I had quit my job and stayed home, he had all the pressure of being the "Man" and providing for his family.
Not having the extra money to go out, I decided to create 'us' time every night. How? My Daughters bed time is 7:30... every night after 7:30, the evening is just ours. We can talk about things not suitable to discuss when she is around, we can watch T.V together, or just sit and talk. It has really helped in rebuilding our relationship.
Don't get me wrong, we still have our problems, but at least now we know that later THAT night we will have a chance to talk / fight it out with out disrupting our Daughters routeen. I think we are stronger now than we were befor.

I hope this helps.

1 mom found this helpful

My husband and I went through the same thing, and our son is almost five now. We even separated for 6 months, because we were just completely alienated from each other.

Our marriage counselor brought up a good point about children and marriage. She said that parents should keep their relationship the focus and children should come second to that, because when the kids are grown and gone, it's just you and your spouse again, and if parents are child-focused, they lose their connection to each other. She also said that it's best for children to see their parents close, connected, and in love. It teaches them to have the same family values. I struggled with this concept because my son is my world, but I have definitely seen a positive change in my marriage since my husband and I have tried to change the focus of our relationship to ourselves and not our son.

One recommendation I can offer you is to have a regularly scheduled "date night". My husband and I have a regular sitter every Saturday night, and we go out to a movie or dinner or whatever, and we purposely try to avoid talk of our son, school, activities, home, etc. Our counselor said we should share and talk about us and our dreams and avoid the logistics of life. It's worked wonders for my marriage, and our son is definitely benefitting from seeing my husband and I re-connected and in love.

Wish you the best.

1 mom found this helpful

Actions speak louder...so how about setting up a date night, including all the arrangements: dinner reservations, dancing or an activity you both enjoy or might want to try & a babysitter. My husband & I had the same issue. Until a marriage counselor advised us to set up a weekly date night we resisted making the time to focus on each other. We felt guilty leaving our little ones at first but it became easier once we understood this bonding time would make us better parents.

1 mom found this helpful

how about surprise him? Have a sitter arranged and go out on a date. I would recommend this at least once a month or more. Your son will always be a prioity but that doesnt mean your relationship is second- its first. Children grow up and leave so number one should always be your spouse.

1 mom found this helpful

A.,
I am so glad you are seeing the importance of your relationship with your husband. The relationship between your husband and you is a permanent one. You will be together permanently forever. Your relationship with your son and any other children is only temporary. We love them for as long as we have them in our home and they go on to make permanent relationships with their spouses. We still love them but the relationship is made to be temporary. Because your relationship with your husband is permanent you have to invest time and energy in it. We have been married 25 yrs in July and I know what it is to have to plan to be together. Here are a few ways we have done this.

1. Make sure and greet him at the door when he comes home with a welcoming hug and kiss (not a mommy kiss!). You would be surprised what an effect that will have!

2. We try to get the girls in bed at a decent time to allow us time to talk and spend time together. That is time that we cherish. Even if it is only 30 minutes it is worth it. We will turn off the TV and use that time just for us. We try not to talk about the girls but sometimes there are parenting challenges we have to address. We talk and laugh and find out about each other's day. Sometimes I will light some candles wherever we are to make the time special.

3. We also would date swap with another couple. One or two nights a month we would watch their kids and they would return the favor. We could go out to eat or simply come home, order a pizza and watch a movie while cuddling on the floor with a bunch of pillows.

4. Check the churches out in your area. They frequently offer parenting classes, that will teach how to be good parents but also how to make your relationship stronger. We have a great church in our area and I know you do too! Here is the website. http://www.blackhawkministries.org/ My sister-in-law goes to this church and they have alot available for you. They also have a MOPS program which is great to meet moms that you can date swap with. The church also might have a date night - our church does. It is where a couple can drop their child off to be watched by very qualified workers for a few hours.

I hope this helps, please contact me if you need more names from your area. Keep working on that relationship. Believe me it is worth it!

1 mom found this helpful

I think you should call a babysitter, family member or friend for a couple of hours so you and your husband can go on a date. You are still husband and wife even though you have an addition to your family. Go out and have some fun, your still young even thogh your a mommy and married.

1 mom found this helpful

There is nothing like getting away for a night at a hotel, even in town, away from baby to reconnect with your husband. I've been married for 6 1/2 years and have 2 little kids. my husband and I make it a priority to get away on long weekends at least 2 times a year, not to mention going out by ourselves a few times a month.
Book a night at a hotel, find someone you love and trust to stay with baby, and buy some sexy lingerie and have a night alone to remind your husband of what you really mean to eachother. You say he is your best friend...so you can tell him anything.

1 mom found this helpful

I believe, without a doubt, you need to spend time alone with your husband. Even if it is only once a month. You cannot connect and have the same type of conversations when a child/children are around. Even if he doesn't feel it's necessary, ask him to do it for you. It's so easy to focus 100% on the children and let the marriage slip away and in 10+ years when the children are older, find you have nothing in common with your husband. Besides, letting your child see how much mom & dad love each other is a wonderful gift you can give them. I think you are absolutely right on. Now is the time to make time alone with your husband almost a habit. You are only 24 and have many happy married years ahead of you.

1 mom found this helpful

Amada, it is easy to lose focus on your relationship when children come into the picture. Bravo for you that you recoginize the importance of reconnecting. Its time to institue a regular (monthly?) date night for just you and your husband. Plan the event youself, including child care, and then suprise your husband with tickets or reservations somewhere he would love to go. Once he sees how important it is to take this time together, he will jump on board. Children are wonderful but they grow up and then its just the two of you again. If you don't reconnect now, it will be much harder later.

1 mom found this helpful

Date night it great, if you're able to do it. My husband and I are not able to do date night. He works weekends and all our available sitters work during the week :( So, we make sure to spend at least an hour together after the baby goes to bed. AT LEAST an hour. Sometimes we just watch tv, other times we chat. It just depends on the night. He may not see anything wrong with the relationship. It's possible that he really does think everything is ok. Just start small. Ask him if you can have 30 mins of his time to just chat. Then you can take it from there.

1 mom found this helpful

Try telling him you miss him, you miss spending alone time / quality time, you feel distant. Tell him about the things you miss from him and how you used to feel. Tell him (even if he says he's not disconnected from you) that you want time with him.

Plan a special dinner, weekend getaway, or something you can do without baby.

Perhaps talking to a counselor about building communication and relationship building things could help.

United Way offers free and reduced priced counseling.

1 mom found this helpful

Have a date night at least once a week. :) Make all the arrangements (getting a sitter, etc.) and have some fun together! It's important to maintain your personal relationship and time with your spouse, and with kids on the scene, you need to be more strategic in planning 'your' time together.

Hello A., My friend and I work for a company that host girl's night in parties to spice up your love life. We are both moms and we have both been in your shoes. After having kids it is hard to get back the love life you had before your son. We offer lots of different games for couples to play to get back into the swing of things. Also if you host one of our parties, you get 10% off the party sales in free products, 40% off one toy of your choice, 20% off one lingerie and a free gift for hosting. So make a plan with your husband for him to have a guy's night with some friends and you host a girl's night at your house for your friends. Then when you both get home you will be missing each other and in the mood for some fun. I am a mother of an 8 year old an a 19 month old. My husband and I have been through this twice. You do need to reconnect with each other, try going to dinner one night a week, or putting your baby to bed for a special dinner at home. Movies are always a good way to spend time together if the conversation is not back yet, even making time to watch something at home together after the baby is asleep. Also I have learned men do not like to hear there is a problem, so just plan something fun and I'm sure he will respond. If your not interested in the girl's night just do not respond I will not ask you again. I hope everything works out with you and your husband. It just takes time after a baby to feel like the couple you were...my email is ____@____.com

Number one, having another person in any relationship will permenantly change things for the good hopefully. The first 2-3 years are very trying with a new person. Your time will be diverted towards a new person and not your husband. Now your life has changed for the better. You two have made a new person and your whole life will be centered around your children. However, that does not mean you will loose your best friend. My husband is my only best friend. We take out time once every two weeks and leave our son w/ mom/dad/babysitter/someone trustworthy and go out to a quiet dinner. Sometimes we say not much and other times we talk ourselves to death. Sometimes we end up talking about our son and cute behaviors. Other times we are so tierd, we have nothing to say and that is okay. There are silent times in a relationship, loud times, funny times, and no so fun times. As long as you two are there for each other and establish this by communicating to each other- that is what is important. Understanding when to be quiet and let the other person rest and when to chatter is important. Pick up some good books on how having a child can affect the dynamics of a relationships- that helped us understand each other better. There were times we were so tierd that we just let each other sleep and try to catch up with ourselves. Let each other go and have some me time once a week for a few hours or however much he or you need. It rejuvenates you, which rejuventates the relationship and keeps your from fighting and arguing. Advice my grandpa gave us about marriage is just always be KIND, considerate, and sweet to your partner. Give them understanding, talk when they want to talk, be silent when they need silence. Be aware and supportive of the other person and do things that will enhance their lives. Their are so many important valuable aspects of a relationship. take one day at a time, be loving, and let him know verbally once a month that you care, and you are there if he needs anything at all, you love him, and he means a lot to you. I think attitude, behavior, kind gestures speak louder than couseling, words, or anything else. Hope this helps you. I have been Married for 8 years w/ a young 5 year old boy.

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