Realities of Divorce and Being a Single Mom

I could have continued to be a stay at home mom but I would have had to sell the house and got a smaller one, no fun time budget, I guess you could say a bigger life change for the kids than day care and mom working.

I went back to school and got the ability to earn as much as my ex makes. I don't regret the kids not having me around as much. At least they didn't have to change peer groups, be moved to a new home, all of that.

Other than mom and dad living separately not much about their lives have changed.

Every now and then I think maybe I should stay home with the kids, that has more to do with not wanting to deal with my boss that day than what is best for the kids.

A good book for you to pick up is The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. This will help with all relationships.

Every situation is dramatically different. The most eye opening thing to do would be to go to a consult with a family attorney. It is well worth the money. She will shed a LOT of light. If you choose to retain her, she will likely put your consult fee towards her retainer. Do it while you're still together, use family funds/accounts/credit cards. Even divorce is a joint marital expense.

There is no need to tell him you're meeting with an attorney.

After you understand what your legal rights/obligations are, THEN you can go from there, k?

Best to you.

:)

The only way to know is to talk to a real lawyer in your area.

I will say you HAVE to be married ten years to get half of retirement so hang in there. Plus, his social security may be more than yours so you can file on his when the time comes and he can not do a thing to stop you.

I divorced in Ohio and the provision for alimony was 1/3 of the number of years you are married. My friend was married 24, she got 8 years. I was married ten and would have gotten three, but I opted for cash instead. His lawyer told him not to do it.

Also, my friend's husband made 50,000-125,000 fifteen years ago in Ohio. Her alimony was 2,000 and her child support ended for each child when they graduated high school. Her husband was ordered to pay certain costs, including 4 years of college, but now I hear they do not force parents to pay for college in decrees.

After you get divorced, if you have a low income, you can get state help with daycare, food, and other things. You might not like where the apartments are or the daycare that accepts vouchers. You may have to settle.

You can do it! It's really not easy by any means. My divorce has been final for almost a year and my ex and I are still figuring out everything with the kids. Unfortunately, divorce with kids still means you have all the same issues with the person as you did before. One of his biggest issues is that he doesn't want me telling him when he can and can't see the kids - that's what custody and visitation is. It means that there is a legal document saying when you can see your kids and how much you are required to pay for them.
Transitioning to being a single mom is really hard - more so I think when you have a husband who is very active because when its your time you're on your own.
When you and you ex start dating other people then it changes even more. If the new people have kids and exes it gets even more complicated.
Your friends and family will support you whatever you choose, but if you can talk to a girlfriend who's been through it it might help you with your decision. The grass is not always greener on the other side.
For me, divorce was the only option. I'm much happier now than I was in my marriage and we've both moved on and are with other people but its a long road.
Best of luck!

I want to answer the question as asked, not to tell you your choices are wrong.

The realities of being a single mom. I've done it for many many years. It is definately doable. But you have to let go of your hangups. Worrying about putting the kids in daycare or not is the very least of your problems! Get over that one immediately. The kids will be no worse for the wear. They will actually benefit from it. Let go of the idea of being a sahm. That part of your life is over.
From this point, keep documentation of every single thing. View everything you do and say in terms of how will this affect me in court. DO NOT accept joint custody. He makes the money, so, you meed his child support. In Texas you can have joint conservatorship, but you would be the sole managing conservator. That means you both get a say in big decisions, but he pays child support and you're home base for the child. If you got off your career track to raise his kids, he may have to pay for spousal support or training and education for you. Another thing you may not realize, is he may have to pay for your attorneys fees.

Step 1 - go get your free consultation from an attorney.
You need to know what to expect in the divorce process. The single mom thing you will have to get hands on training and learn it on the fly. Just be open to new challenges.

I'm sorry to hear this :(

You've been together for 10 years and went to counseling for 5 MONTHS... honey, you barely gave it a chance! You have 10 years of bad habits to break, on both parts (because it takes 2 to tango).

My husband and I have been to counseling on and off for 2 years. At first we did it to make sure we were on the right track before our son was born (like getting a physical check up for your body, it was like a check up on our relationship).

If this is a mutual decision you've both come to, I suggest that you sit back down with your counselor and discuss it, both together and solo, for guidance, so it can be less messy and more amicable for the kids... they are your top priority.

Being a single mom, coming from a dependent relationship (like you're in now) is not easy, it's a lifestyle change, but absolutely not impossible!

Best wishes with whatever comes to be! I still think counseling for at least a year would be your and your husbands greatest benefit. Some people just part ways and that's okay... but if you've come to this decision yourself and he's still in the dark about it, then there are still things to discuss.

First off I live in Texas and do not know the laws in your state. If available in your state you may get spousal support for a short time but after that your husband is only repsponsible for half of your children's support. The actual amount is set by a formula established in your state.

Typically I beleive that after 10 years you would be able to be awarded half his retirement account (401k) and other assets. You may also be awarded the house for the benefit of the children.

As soon as possible get yourself in a better position to support yourself and your children. Sometimes exhusbands refuse to pay child support. Sometimes they begin to work under the table and show very little income so the chld support awarded is very little. You said he was a good father but sometimes when a new woman comes into the picture, children become secondary.

I hope all the negetave I mentioned does not happen to you but it is a possibility. Become more career oriented, so you will have options and choices. It you do nothing to protect yourself and your children, you will be letting someone else make decisions for you. I will be thinking and praying about you.

You and your husband need to both want to stay in the marriage! You have been in counseling for such a short period of time (at the urging of your husband for your major depression) and have determined this isn't going to work already so it won't.

Of course your life will be very different, I expect that you will have to work full time and there will be two full households to maintain. If your son is 3 1/2 (prior posts) I would expect that he would make the cut off for K and would start in a year and a half. Yes, everyone's life will be different.

I had the world's easiest divorce that started when my only daughter was four. No attorneys, no parenting plan, no mandatory child support, constant co-parenting, joint holidays, no problems with our daughter, no financial issues but you know what...I would give my left arm to have not been so stubborn and stupid and kept my family together.

Every time you think of divorce as a solution to your problem read Christine W's answer. Read her last sentence at least twice every time you read her post.

"The chief cause of divorce is selfishness." If you have been in counselling for 5 months and you and he haven't gotten better and improved your marriage, you and he aren't trying hard enough. Get the book, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands". It will help you understand him better. Then give the book to him so he can read it and understand you better.

Watch the movie, "Fireproof". Then get the book/manual, "The Love Dare". Its the companion book to the movie. My wife and I have been married 38 years and we have used the principils taught and shown in this book. Had we not followed the rules in this book, we probably wouldn't be married.

I'd say the following things to the both of you if you were in front of me.
Be kind.
Be considerate.
Do nice things for him, even when he pisses you off.
He should do nice things for you, even if you piss him off.
DO NOT (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) try to get even. When we are childish and petty, we want to get even. We want an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth, but if everyone got that eye or tooth, then we'd all be blind and gumming our food. I hate lousy drivers. But every now and then I change lanes in front of someone because I didn't see them and I become the lousy driver I hate. Once I realized that, I became a much more tolerant driver.

You and he aren't perfect. You and he should expect each other to make mistakes. Go back to the time you were dating. What did you do to try and woo him? What did he do to woo you? Do those things over and over again and again. If you do, you can repair your marriage. If you don't then YOU are the cause of your divorce. You will be the cause of the damage and emotional scars that will happen to your kids because of the divorce.

Good luck to you and yours.

I am not divorced but you have my support. I helped a friend last year who went through a divorce last year (her ex left her with house payments, a broken down car and 3 kids). I watched her kids during the divorce and then afterwards while she looked for a job. I admit, she struggled trying to set up her new life but she is one of the strongest people I know and the most positive. She did it and now her kids have a great example of not backing down when life gets hard. Her kids' behavior reflects children who know they are well loved, well grounded, and are so sweet and polite.

Find a support group - either at a community center, the library or at a church - for your own sanity's sake. A good support group will be full of people going through the same issues, concerns and questions you might have. Take care.

While I agree with the advice about continueing counseling a bit longer. . .

Before you make an exit start your life change now while you have the financial support to do so. If you think in 5 months you will be seperated, build a budget NOW, look for and secure a job NOW. Prepare yourself for reality of child care expenses and getting little ones ready in the morning, getting out the door, commuting, etc.

Better now than later. If It were me, I'd also keep all my $$ seperate and pull together a "budget" of what it would take to keep me and kids running without any help from hubster and "fake pay" rent, utilities, gas, car, etc into a savings account.
I do advocate marriage, but not as a financial arrangement. Now is the time to begin preparing for single life, not as you are walking out the door.
The upside, if things work out you know exaclty what you need/can afford and you may have a different view on your and your husbnd's unique contributions to the marriage:)

do you have a marketable skill? If you do not have a skill that will earn a decent living wage.. go back to school and get whatever training it will take to be able to get a job that will support you and your son. Consider that day care costs $200 a week (on average.. some more some less)... so full time daycare is going to cost $10,000 a year for 1 child. So you have to be making a pretty good salary to be able to afford day care and come home with any money left over.. Try to work it out for the sake of your son.. I think the studies show.. that living in a stable but not perfect home is better for kids than divorce..

Even if you do divorce.. maybe you could hang on for a couple of more years till your son is older and by then you could have a skill so you could get a good job..

First you need to dig deep and figure out why you want out of the marriage- because if you get out this is all on you. Go to your counselor figure that out first because once you start this process that is it there is no turning back and you life is going to be turned upside down and sideways so you better know just exactly why.

The reality is, being a single mom is harder than you can ever imagine so you should make sure there is nothing you can do to fix your relationship - everything! As a single mom with a good career I give up precious time with my son, deal with the stress of what to do when they are sick and you need to be at work ( and daycare won't take them). While I am lucky enough to make a good income my "standard" of living has plummeted due to the overall cost of raising a child and paying for regular day care plus day care for every late night, weekend meeting, etc. . You will get child support and maybe some spousal support but it will not compare. So, think long and hard about this decision and make sure you have a significant support system in place because corporate america and child care demands do not mix! Most importantly... when you only see your children 3 hours on a work day you will be heartbroken.

Hi! I am a single mom and divorce was the worst thing I could ever do for my son. Even though he has reasonably adjusted, his image of what a marriage could and should be like is shattered. ALL MARRIAGES will go through difficult times. Your children will see how you handle your difficult times in a marriage and often times they will repeat the same thing. So, if they see you give up then they will most likely do the same. Not to mention there are years of research studies that show that ultimately it IS the children who pay the price of a divorce, financially, emotionally, physically and psychologically. Yes, it effects young children the most but even grown children of parents who are divorcing will be effected.

Have you tried Marriage Education classes? Marriage Works! Ohio is based out of Dayton, Ohio, not too far from you. They have several classes to choose from for married couples. Because of how far you live and that you are thinking about a divorce, I recommend the Divorce Prevention Program they have called Prepare/Enrich or they have a one day workshop called Family Works One Day. The One Day Seminar meets on a Saturday, 9-3:30, and it is fun and educational. All their programs are free because they are federally funded. There is no religious content, just relationship changing information that will take your marriage to a whole new level! Their toll free number is 866-548-3271. If they can't help you, maybe they know of more marriage education programs in your area.

In all Marriage Works! Ohio's classes you will learn new communication techniques, conflict resolution skills, learn each other's love languages, discovery each other's strengths using a personality assessment, and build goals together. They offer a fresh look at what may appear to be a dying situation. I recommend you give that a try because it will help you figure out if it is worth it to stay with your man.

I sure wish this was around for me when I was going through a divorce. I know it would have made a difference! I went through their program for singles so that I will know better what to do in the future.

I wish you luck. I hope you don't give up.