Reaching My Breaking Point on Toddler Daughter's Behavior with Me!

Poor mommy, I can see how this would frazzle anybody.

Kids go through normal stages of separation anxiety. With her daddy around less, it could be she's worried about you being around less, too. We often use the phrase that kids are "testing" limits. They are, of course, but not in the planned, thoughtful way a teen or adult might. They are just behaving in ways that come naturally, and virtually all behavior is grounded in some need they are trying to fill. And in the process, limits get tested, strengthened, or discarded.

I have two thoughts on helping her (and yourself). One is that you try emotion coaching. Google this for some really useful tips you can start applying right away. And/or look at this (and related) videos, in which Dr. Harvey Karp, author of The Happiest Toddler on the Block, demonstrates some good coaching in action: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fJ1428uYs2g&NR=1&f.... And add How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk to your parenting library. You'll reach for this book again and again over many years when you discover how well it works.

My other suggestion is about supporting her health needs in new ways, which makes a measurable difference for some children. I have watched children fall apart emotionally during tests for chemical sensitivities, which I suffer from myself, and which can have a powerful impact on mood and emotion. Children who are peacefully coloring or reading can have a tiny squirt of some chemical under the tongue, and in minutes transform into a raging or weeping or impossibly stubborn barbarian. I have strong mood swings too, that are hard, even as an adult, to manage.

If you want to experiment with this possibility, try garbage-bagging household cleaners, air fresheners, fabric softeners, all scented products including your own toiletries for two weeks. Keep her exposure to auto exhaust, paint fumes, new plastics, dry cleaning, or any source of volatile chemicals as minimal as absolutely possible. (You can use baking soda or vinegar to clean almost anything.)

Also avoid processed foods that have any artificial colors or preservatives, both of which have been proven in a large study to aggravate behavioral problems in sensitive children. If you find she has an easier time, you have some useful new information. If there's no change, then resume using the bagged products (but be aware there are some nasty toxins in many common household products).

Finally, making sure her diet is well-balanced and nutritious is important, because a lack of some nutrients shows up in some children as behavioral problems. Consider adding Omega 3 oils (fish, flax, or walnut) to her diet if you don't already do this. A good balance of B vitamins can sometimes help, too.

I sure hope you find something that gives you both more space and calm.

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I am going to break this down in parts. First of all, you didn't use the word, but you will never ever spoil your child by loving her too much. I am going to take a different stance on this holding thing than probably most moms. Children grow up too fast. What is it that you really need to do that holding her would be a problem? They grow up soon enough and really have very little to do with you. They go out, they go off on their own, they move and get married. For this short time in life, give yourself permission to sit and hold her and hug her. If you have a book yours or hers, read it, doze yourself, YOU DO NOT GET THIS TIME BACK. Do not worry what other people say. Let the dust bunnies sit, modify your gourmet meals if that's what you have and enjoy this precious gift. I am a one year survivor of uterine cancer and had a lot of time to think and what I wouldn't give to go back and cuddle those little people one more time. I have a hunch, too, if she begins to feel the security that she so desperately needs that night time might become easier. It is very normal for children to cling to mommy. Stop listening to all of these other people who pretend like their lives are so perfect. No one's is. hug, hug, hug your baby. As the old saying goes, 'for babies don't keep...'

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My daughter fussed a few times and I started to tell her about what she could do after she woke up in the morning. If I see that she's a little fussy now I just remind her that "we're going....tomorrow or we're going to see....tomorrow or we'll play.....tomorrow when you get up." She usually focuses on that and then she'll go down without much fuss. I found that the less I fought with her and just let her figure it out the better. Sometimes I think they want the fuss from us so they fuss, if that makes sense. :)

Here's another thought I just had that I do with our daughter: Maybe reading a special book each night will cue her into understanding it's bedtime. Have her pick a special book and tell her that once that book is done it's time for bed. This way she'll have a cue that is more understandable for her than a time limit like 5 minutes .

Hope I've helped! Good luck and hang in there! This mommy stuff is much harder than we're given credit for! :)

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My 4 year old son does a bit of this as well. Bedtime is really bad when he is overtired (actually his behavior in general is terrible when overtired). Yes, giving a regular time for your child to get your attention works. The trick is giving positive attention when you are constantly angry and frustrated with your child. I struggle with this all the time (just with my son, my daughter and I don't have as much friction).
Is your husband home at bedtime? In our house if my son wears out my patience or my husband's patience we switch (sometimes several times). Sometimes he complains about wanting one parent instead of the other but that is the consequence of giving us a hard time at bedtime. It is also really hard to get him to sleep unless one of us stays with him until he is asleep or nearly asleep (it's a pain). If I have totally had it I will read and just keep telling him it is time to sleep and eventually he goes to sleep.

I suppose you could try giving her some cuddle time to read books or watch a video and it might ease the clinginess. Then again when I try that some of the time my son is so wiggly it drives me crazy.

1-2-3 Magic has some good tips but it is for older kids not really toddlers. It says age 3 and up but at 3 my son was not ready for all the stuff in there. I think 5 and up is more realistic. I skimmed some of The Happiest Toddler on the Block and it had better suggestions for toddlers.

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I know it is a very trying age. My son is a little bit older than your daughter. It sounds like you have tried a bunch of stuff. I know one thing that some people suggest is talking to her as if you are including her in the problem solving. Saying, look, it is important that you go to bed and get sleep so that you can play in the morning. Starting tomorrow, there will be no more nonsense, no more screaming. Your job is to go to sleep. etc. etc. There are several sleep consultants who would be willing to walk you through things if you are at your wit's end.

I've also found timers work really well. We're going to bed in two minutes, set the timer. Then the timer is a neutral party instead of you saying what to do all the time. Some other wise person told me that the more upset they get the more boundaries and consistency they need from you. So decide what you want to do and stick to it for quite a while.She just has to accept that you can't hold her all the time. Give her lots of choices like you have been doing and use the timer. With my son, it's about carrying him instead of him walking. So I tell him I'll carry him for 10 steps and then he's walking. I thought he would freak but he accepts it every time.

I'm really sorry, I hope you can weather through it. It's most important to take care of yourself and get lots of time away from her so you can handle her calmly when you are with her.

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Wow I get that you need some time for yourself. You are busy, and not getting much support! That is hard!

I am wondering about her daycare situation. Her behavior, while absolutely normal given that you and husband both work, makes me wonder whether she is getting enough 1:1 attention during the day.

Also, I would love to share this with you:

Every misbehavior is a symptom of a need that is unmet, or “missed.”

In the words of Ruth Beaglehole, CNVEP, “Every behavior is a tragic attempt to meet an unmet need… tragic because the behavior in question will NOT result in the need being met.”

It is our challenge, every time our child “miss” behaves, to determine what that unmet need is, and then help them to find a behavior that meets that need, rather than misses it!

So the only two remedies to your daughter's insistence seem to be to get some time for yourself (a babysitting club?) and, simply, to hold her.

XO
Linda

www.RivieraPlaySchool.com

Riviera PlaySchool in Redondo Beach, CA
TEACHING FROM BALANCE
A Mindful program for the 'Whole Child,' inspired by the best of Attachment Parenting, Reggio Emilia, Bev Bos, Montessori, Waldorf and Non-Violent Communication.

You need to stop giving in when she starts her fits. Put her to bed & let her cry it out, even if she has a crappy nights sleep for a few nights she will survive & so will you. It took me a week to get my daughter to stop this pattern, but it did work in the end. Don't get me wrong, it was a horrible week while we were doing it, but it was the best thing we could have done in the end. Stick to your guns & DON'T GIVE IN. Good luck.

Something people have not already mentioned is playing lullabies. That has helped a lot for my daughter. We have worn out one CD we have listened to it so much. I rub her back for 2 songs and then go. And yes sometimes she still screams! But it seems to happen more when she stays up later and is overtired.

Another thing to examine is how much is she sleeping? including naps? My DD stopped napping at two...I know this is somewhat usual with some Moms, but, she sleeps 12-13 hours a night...therefore, no napping. Perhaps just quiet time during the day would bring an easier bedtime routine? I have one of those kiddos that, well, is just a little outside the box on some stuff...bedtime is not one of them...she mostly goes to bed like turning off a light switch. (she does have 30-45 min of quiet time in the afternoon...usually just laying in my bed talking to her stuffed animals or watching Nick)

Both of my kids did this and for me, when I put them down to sleep I tell them that they have 2 choices, I can leave the door opened or if they cry or get out of bed, I will close it completly (and for my son, we had that door knob lock on his door - he was the more challenging one). When they feel they have a choice in the matter, it's their decision, not yours and for my kids, they have always picked "door opened". Only once I had to close my son's door for 5 minutes while he screamed and kicked. When that happened, I ignored him and then opened his door and said calm down or the door will continue to be shut. Once he calmed down, I again asked him if he would like the door opened or closed. He said opened and went right to bed.

You'll make it thru this phase, and you are right, she is testing you. Just don't cave.

Good luck.

I feel your pain. Keep in mind that children are hardest on their primary caretaker - that is in one of my Brazelton books and fine it to be very true.

Sounds like since you have tried everything, your little one doesn't know what to expect anymore. I noticed the same problem with mine, so I tightened things up and consistently did the same thing every time. It took several days but eventually she learned that was the routine. With my daughter (20 mths), I finally started calmly telling her it is bedtime, left her alone while she cried, and went in after 5 minutes, then 10 minutes, etc. But I didn't pick her up when I went to check on her (unless she had a dirty diaper), just reiterated that it was time for bed, that I loved her, and left. When she asked for more milk, etc, I said no we are all done with that - it's time for bed. Now she usually goes down without a struggle. If you waver at all, she will act up. Basically she is trying to prolong her time with you, and she is smart enough to know how to push your buttons. Hang in there!

As for the clinginess, that is really hard too. I try to hold my daughter and give her extra attention before I need to do a task. That seems to give her fuel enough to be on her own for a little while. Good luck!

we recently instituted a rewards program with our 3.5 year old son because of similar issues: i printed a piece of paper with his name in big letters at the top and boxes underneath it. for each night that he behaves/cooperates during his bedtime routine and after he gets tucked in (i.e. doesn't throw tantrums, etc.) he gets a sticker in the morning. after he fills up all his boxes with stickers he gets a reward. the first time we only made it 5 boxes/stickers so that the payoff would be sooner and he would be more invested. then i made it 10 boxes. so far so good - he hardly ever is a terror anymore because he wants to get a sticker in the morning. often, that's the first thing he says to us when he wakes up.

his first reward was taking him to the water park, his next reward was taking him to chuck e cheese, his next one will be taking him to lego land. it's best to make the rewards not material (candy, toys, chocolate). we try to keep the rewards a surprise so that it keeps him interested. other items on the reward list we put together are taking him to the zoo, petting zoo, farmer's market (where he gets donuts), aquarium, field museum, etc. good luck!

My daughter was the same way when she was 2. She was always the most difficult for me and everyone would say she is such a perfect angel. I work full-time and I think it may have been her way of acting out. Daughters always act the worse for their mommies- I think they know we will love them no matter what. No that my daughter is 3 she is much more agreeable and more loving to me. I also read the Happiest Toddler on the Block and that seemed to cure some of her tantrums and emotional outbursts. I notice when I spend special one-on-one time with her and do something fun with her she is the happiest and easist child.

I feel your pain. My husband was not around for much of my children's early years (working a LOT). It is hard. That said, there is help. Try your local health department. Ours has a parenting class that is very reasonably priced. It really helps to have sone strategies to deal with different behaviors; and also to have the support. Also look for parents anonymous groups. They are free, and it sounds like you need some support right now. You don't want to lose your temper and hit her or something. Good luck.

I cannot tell you what to do but I think you need to think about something, Children and Pets pick up stress and negative energy. I am not being metaphysical I am being serious.

My childrens behavior is AMAZING when I am calm, and take everything in stride. When I am positive, when I smile and act like a happy person. Now when I am frustrated and needing peace...they are loud, whiny and annoying.

Every morning when you wake up give your daughter a positive smile, and be consistent, firm, and positive. Put her down for her naps at a regular time every day. She can cry...you can cry, but not in her presence. Then when it is a reasonable time to put her to bed at night, before she is crabby (this will be easier to see later in the week).

Let her scream and have her fits...don't give in. If she is still in need of naps please make her take them. It is for her learning abilities and development as much as it is for you to have some peace. If she is in her crib, turn off the monitor and go outside. She is pushing you because she knows she can. If you are consistent for a week, (ALL DAY, EVERY DAY) and her behavior doesn't change and she isn't willing to take a nap for you...and is mean to you, see your pediatrician for a therapist who can help you and her work on your communication.

This happens to lots of people, don't beat her or yourself up. Make a new choice, do something new and things just might surprise you.

Best of Luck,
D. (Mom to 4.5yo son and 18 m/o triplet girls)

PS, Hold her when she needs it...just not when that is a diversion for bed time etc. I look at my days when my kids are clingy. When I am too busy with other things is when they want me the most :).

We have been using 1, 2, 3 magic since my son turned 1. He could not count but quickly got the idea that 3 meant consequence.
As for bedtime/naptime, we have a very exact routine: pyjamas, bed, story, a song, a hug, a kiss, good night, sleep well, sweet dreams, see you tomorrow. I love you, last kiss. (n this exact order!)
There are some times, when my son trys to push the limits, gets back up or wants to sleep in our bed (especially when hubby is away). One trick I found here that worked well is too count from 10 to 1 and leave at 1 (saying beforehand that you will leave at 1, no matter what, and doing it)

As for the other know better: not at all. Children always misbehave the more with the people they trust more. She knows you love her and is not afraid to push the limits, while other people may stop loving her if she misbehave. So, translate the "she never does that for me" into "she doesn't trust my unconditional love enough to do that for me" ;-)
As for holding her, when she wants to be held, take a few minutes just for her to be with her whether you actually hold her or not. If you just hold her while trying to get things done with your free arm, she doesn't get the attention she craves and continues asking to be held. A few "holding/loving' sessions a day may help. When you hold her, you do just that. You can even tell her "I understand you want to be held now, but I am cooking and it could be dangerous now. In two minutes, I will be with you and hold you and cuddle with you. If you go now look for a book, we can read it together then"
I know how hard ad frustrating it is, but it shows how mush she loves and trusts you. So, you're doing a great job!

I recommend a book and/or DVD 1-2-3 Magic by Thomas Phelan.

www.parentmagic.com

Have you tried setting a timer? My daughter plays after dinner, we give her a verbal reminder that we are setting the time for usually 10 minutes and when that goes of its time to do teeth, books in the rocker and get into bed. She loves shutting the timer off. She does try to negotiate for more time which we are very firm on . I agree with the poster who said do not waver but try showing empathy. Say "I know you want to stay up and play, but it's night-time. The sun is going to sleep, the animals are going to sleep, time for you to go to sleep. We need a good nights sleep so we can have lots of energy to play tomorrow." You could also try a consequence by saying if you are not able to calm your body down and get ready for books, then we won't have time to read tonight. Also, giving a choice helps redirect my daughter most times when she's ready for tantrum. Letting her pick out jammies or books. I feel for you. Some days it is so frustrating, and you never know what's going to trigger a meltdown. Hopefully, this stage will pass quickly. I'm a big fan of Dr. Bailey's Easy to Love Difficult to Discipline.