RE: Miscarriage After IVF @ 44 Yrs. of Age

Dear A......My sympathies go out to you and your husband. I know this can be such a tough place to walk. I have been down these roads myself... struggling with infertility from the start of my marriage... 30 yrs ago this summer! After 9 yrs of marriage and taking as much medication as my body could stand with no results , God blessed us with a dd thru adoption. She was a miracle in many ways ( not pursuing adoption, yet we were asked if we were interested 3 days before her birth, and brought her home from the hospital at 30 hrs of age!) Later was diagnosed with adrenal hyperplasia, our dr felt preg was a real possibility.... went thru 5 cycles of metrodin with 3 pregnancies, all of which resulted in miscarriages, and depression. So at 40, we decided it was time to abandon the pursuit. I didn't know if I could survive another loss. Then in Dec of '99, needing to find more affordable health insur, we dropped our maternity coverage (22 yrs of marriage, no preg'd w/o medical intervention and thought I was going thru menopause) In Jan, discovered I was preg!! at 45!! my daug was 13 at the time. Had a wonderful pregnancy, with little complications... and now have a soon to be 8 yr old son who is such a joy. He has brought laughter and joy into our lives... in the midst of much struggle and heart ache with our daughter and the loss of our parents, and ultimately in my being diagnosed with metastatic cancer with an unknown primary source... possibly ovarian at age 50! We rejoice that I am currently in remission.

I know the Lord has a plan for each of us, and it is not a cookie - cutter plan that is just like someone else's. I rec'd wise counsel from a friend in the midst of my miscarriages. She encouraged me to "embrace the pain and loss" and not to waste it.

Invite the Lord into the painful places and draw near to him. I had read a book earlier in my life that was helpful for me when the miscarriages came, entitled "I'll Hold You in Heaven" by Norm Wright. It was helpful in resolving the loss.. and there a probably newer books out there that may help. God has things to teach us and can use even the junk of our lives... the losses, the disappointments, the mistakes, etc. to bring blessing and good. I pray that you and your husband will draw closer to each other and to the Lord... and that He will reveal to you His unique dream/plan for your lives.... keep investing in those he has brought into your lives... nieces and nephews, daycare kids, neighbors, etc. And may you discover that weeping lasts for a night, but joy comes in the morning!

You'll be in my prayers.

2 moms found this helpful

I am so sorry for your loss and will keep you in my prayers. I can't say I know how you feel because I have not been through it, but I was a Social Worker(children's services)for 7 years and have been immersed in the adoption process. I can only say that I agree with a previous mamasourcer who said that "God has a plan for all of us" and that I feel He "chooses" very special people to be adoptive parents. I know right now that probably doesn't sound like what you want to hear, but keep an open mind to it. It could be the blessing you and that child are hoping for. Good luck to you and God Bless.

1 mom found this helpful

I am sorry you are hurting. After years of trying I had a son 14 years ago. Was told there would be no more. Then, surprise - baby came 7/11/06. I was 42 years old. You are not to old.

My best friend is going through a similar situation. She is on her 3rd IUI ~ miscarried after her 1st & the 2nd didn't take. IVF is the next step & she's not sure she can afford it but like you, desperately wants a baby. On top of it her mother has cancer ~ was in remission & now it's back.

We've spoken about a possible surrogate (I even volunteered). Would that be an option for you and your husband? Adoption maybe? I'm sure it's not the same, but you'll be helping a child (or children) in desperate need of a family. I'd love to know what your outcome is.
H.

Dear A.,

I am so sorry to hear of your losses, this must be a very painful time! I went through part of the infertility business when I was younger than you are, it was not exactly fun, as you know...

A friend and his wife were married for 17 years and never could get pregnant. Among other things, doctors told K. she was too fat. Can't remember how old she was when they had arranged an international adoption, and K. was supposed to go to Roumania to get the baby, but she got real sick and her doctor said she couldn't travel (can't remember why Carl couldn't go.....). They thought their parenthood dreams were over too. Not long after that they conceived, their son is a teen now. K.'s comment: "I guess God decided I wasn't too fat!"

Other friends had two boys through in-vitro, thought they didn't need any birth control, then had their daughter!

Please, don't say never. think about adoption, sounds like you have plenty of love to give, sometimes if you take an older child or a sibling group the wait is not as bad.

Not sure if this helped....You are in my prayers. Blessings and hugs to you and your husband!

K. Z.

I don't know what it's like to be in your situation, but it sounds heartbreaking. You seem to have already received many good responses to your issue, so I just wanted to tell you that I'm praying for you and your husband. May the Lord grant you both comfort and healing.

Ok i am sorry for one and no I am not at that age yet But I was thinking may be if your eggs are old try having a surroget carry the eggs and the baby for you may be that would give you a higher chance I have 3 children of my own and I dont know what I would do with out them and I am only 25 but I was told when I was 16 that I would never have kids of my own now like at me but I was looking in to being a surroget for some other but that fell through and I know sometime you need and want that one thing missing in your life for you children and for me being married I am now getting married in a week and a half and you will get that child you want soon need more info let me know

So sorry to hear of your losses. Childbearing can be such an emotional drain. My Husband and I have been together for 17 years and have struggled to have children also. I had all the fertility tests and such also. After discovering I had a pituitary tumor and going on meds, I got pregnant with my first daughter who is now 7. We started trying again when she was almost 2 and in the next 6 months had 2 miscarriages........devistating. I was sent to a specialist who ran more tests and discovered I have a bloodclotting disorder (MTHFR) They figure I was clotting at the placenta and this was terminating the pregnancies. More medications and another pregnancy. Went in at 10 weeks for a second ultrasound and the baby had no heartbeat........still makes me cry to think of it. Had a d&c weeks before Christmas. Finally a few months later, another pregnancy. I had to take all sorts of meds to sustain the pregnancy and had another daughter who is now 3. Then, after 17 years together and done with our family....surprise, on our own I got pregnant. After 17 years....are you kidding me???!! I had my 6 month ultrasound today and it is another little girl. This time, no meds, no nothing, seems so weird my Husband keeps forgetting we are pregnant because the routine is so different. I truely believe that sometimes childbearing is out of our hands and anything is possible. As long as you still have the reproductive parts, it aint over!!!! I wish you luck and peace at this difficult time and know others understand your pain........

Hi A.

I just wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss. Even though, this is not my field, I want you to know that you are in my prayers and I really hope and pray that you will get pregnant again and have a healthy, happy child of your very own. Just remember, have faith, God can make a way, even when it looks like there is no way!

All the best of luck to you!

Oh A.,
I am so sorry to hear of your miscarriage. My heart goes out to you. I am 39, and my last 2 pregnancies ended by miscarriage. It is heart shattering. I'm sorry that I don't have much useful insight for you. I just wanted to express my sincere sympathy for your loss. I pray that it is God's plan to bless you with motherhood.

A.
Soo sorry to hear of your loss!!
My best friend and her husband have done all you've done and still nothing. Both have been given the old "we can't find anything wrong" speeches. It's very frustrating and mentally exhausting, isn't it? To be told nothings wrong. They are currently trying to adopt. Both have finally said "it's God's will for us not to have our own", and with the growing number of unwanted children in this country they believe God has a plan for one of those children to be with them.
Don't put yourself through financial ruin when there is a child waiting on you somewhere, and the money you could spend to find out WHY?? could be spent on your adoption.

Good Luck and God bless,
R.

First & foremost, I HOPE you've researched heavily how diet impacts fertility. There is a HUGE link there! Why do you think there are so many more miscarriages and people doing fertility treatments than there were 20-30 years ago?

Secondly, there are SSSOOO many kids out there that need loving adopted parents. I have a friend who adopted TWO in less than 18 months. Both infants. They were on the list to adopt both in Ohio AND Indiana. That expedited the process!
I think financially, mentally and physically, I'd certainly consider it!

I am so sorry for you. My cousin was over 40 when she had her one and only daughter. They had tried for 10 years and had given up and it just happened. I also know another person who had triplets with help from science and then got pregnant again years later naturally with out planning. There are also a lot of children out there who are in need of good and loving parents like it sounds you are like. The best to you.

I too am very sorry for your loss. I agree with mia too.. adoption is a wonderful idea too.. as well as maybe a surrogate. I know its not the same, when your wish is to carry your own, But thier are alot of children out there who need loving dedicated parents. I have 4 cousins who were adopted, and had very good lives.

Just wanted to offer you my support, we also went through the IUI and IVF w/ICSI route.... nothing worked for us. Its really a draining process and we finally became a family through international adoption. I am 40 and still have that urge to have a baby but we tried everything possible and adoption has been a wonderful blessing for us.

I know how heartbreaking this process is... just wanted to give you my support

A., I am so sorry that you miscarried and feel like you have a very small chance of giving birth to a child. We went through infertility too and we chose to adopt. God blessed us with two amazing, beautiful, bright kids who have filled the void in our hearts and arms. We never even feel like we missed out by not having biological children. May God comfort and bless you and your husband and make your dreams come true.

I am very sorry to hear about your miscarriage and your many attempts to become pregnant. Have you thought about becoming a foster Parent or Adoption? There are so many children out there that need a loving secure home and parents that really want them. Being a Mommy doesnt mean giving birth to that child. Being a Mommy comes from the heart and it sounds like you have alot of love to give. Sometimes becoming pregnant isn't an option, but being a parent can be an option if you are willing to become a parent to a child in need through adoption.

I am so sorry to hear about your losses. As someone who also struggled with fertility and loss issues, I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you.

If you are willing to explore the adoption route, your dreams of becoming a parent may not quite possibly be over. There are many children that are in need of caring parents and loving homes. Maybe your dreams can come true after all?

Best wishes to you, no matter what you decide to pursue.

HI,
I am sorry this happened to you and I feel for you and I will pray for you.
This may not be what you want to hear but I wanted to tell you about a situation a friend of mine had. She was 30 when she found her true love and he had been married before and had 4 children and they were all older when she met him. He had a vasectomy with his first wife for birth control. So, when they decided to get married she knew there would be no chance for children. This was a big decision for her and she still to this day gets a little depressed and she yearns for babies. To help cure her of this she volunteers at our local hospital in the NIC-U. She holds babies for several hours at a time and she usually is there with babies who were born addicted to drugs through their mothers. These babies have to be held all the time. I don't know if this helps but it might be an idea that may work if you can't have children and these babies really need the love.
Also, I had an aunt who tried for years to get pregnant until she was in her late 30's and didn't and they gave up. About two years later she was pregnant and carried full term and delivered and then two years after that it happened again so don't give up, it may happen to you.
I wish you well.

I am so sorry to hear about your misfortune. You have my sympathy and empathy. I had 3 miscarriages before finally having my DD. It is very hard on everyone to go through this.
Have you considered adopting? I know the wait can be long if you want a baby or toddler but overseas adoptions can be quicker.
If you are willing to take an older child the wait is considerably less.
Foster parenting can be a great way to assist needy children and make a real difference. I know several families who have done this and the children have remained close to them after growing up and consider the foster parents to be their children's grandparents.
I know this doesn't as completely fill the void you are feeling, but it can work. I even know some families who have adopted the foster children.

I am so sorry for your loss. I'll pray for you in your time of grieving.

My Aunt has been in your spot and finally adopted a baby boy.He was the light of her life and still is. Christopher is now 19 and in College and the best son any one could ever ask for. maybe your husband and you should concider it.

I am so sorry for your loss. I know of several women that have conceived later in life (including me) and I just want to encourage you to not give up. One of my friends got pregnant when she was 42 and it was a total surprise. I got pregnant w/39 and so did two of my other friends. One couple I know started trying when she was 44. I grew up in Europe and according to my mom there are tons of women over there that get pregnant in their fourties. One of my husband's former work associates wife got pregnant when she was 46. All of these pregnancies were natural conception. I have heard of couples that have gotten pregnant when the "pressure" was off. Maybe you and your husband can go on a nice vacation and just spend time together without thinking about getting pregnant? My thoughts and prayers are with you. May God open your womb and bless you with a healthy little one.

Dear A., Sorry I dont have any advice, but maybe some insight. IF, and that is a big if, you are willing to be Foster Parents, you can actually adopt. However, you face having an infant or small child taken from you. I only tell you this from experience, we lost our daughter at 75 days of age, to SIDS, we have been trying to adopt for 3 years, unless I have a minimum of 20,000 dollars, I cant do it. The good news is if you are willing to take a chance on a foster adoption is pretty much free. I am unable to fall in love with a child, and let it go, but I know many Foster Homes that do what theyt have to do. Maybe Nature has not given up on you, yet maybe it is time to explore?From your post, there is no more money for an expensive adoption, my prayers are with you in finding "your child" , May God bless You, A.

Hi A.,

I am a few yrs younger than you but I still think this totally applies.
I was dx with PCO (polycystic ovarian)when I was about 25 and after being with a man nearly 10 yrs, 20 to 29, not once was I able to get a positive pregnancy test.
I divorced him and remarried and got on metformin... a medication with good results in my diagnisis.

Anyway, after another 5 yrs of trying, 6 miscarriages and an ectopic loosing my left tube and ovary we gave up and decided to look into adoption. Had taken shots and done IuI's cos my Dr sd we weren't goof IVF candidates cos of egg quality...

I was so angry and dissapointed.
Well, a yr later we rushed to the Dr as I had a "growth" in my abdomen and thought it was a tumor. Terrifies, we learned that it was a 14 1/2 wsk baby girl!! I was 35
After her miraculous birth, we chose to try for a yr in case we had a chance for a 2nd and my son was born 11 months later ;) I was 36

We decided this was wonderful and used an IUD, just in case we decided to try for a 3rd in the near future and ended up pregnant anyway!!! This baby is due 11/12/08 and I will be a few days into my 38th birthday.

How can this happen? I have no clue but I have to proclaim to the world that anything is possible.

I was irregular since I was 14 and always knew there was a possibility we'd never have children. Look at us now with a 22m old, a 10m old and 17 wks pregnant!!!
Everyone we know is amazed about our story.

We would have also loved to adopt but 3 kids under 3 is more than enough for a while ;)

I believe in miracles and hope for your dreams to come true too !
Amy

I'm a registered surrogate mama/egg donor through SMO, their website is http://www.surromomsonline.com/ they have a great question & answer section where you could find out from other ppl in similiar situations. *HUG* to yall & good luck!