B.C. asks from Grand Rapids, MI on January 11, 2008
Questions on Dating
If there are any other single moms out there: does dating and having a child ever get easier? I worry about the perception of the man I'm dating being a "surrogate father", since the one my child has in non-existent. As far as I'm concerned, I'm Mom and I'm Dad... Are these feelings justified? Am I reading too much into a situtaion that is so far drama free?
1 mom found this helpful
V.W. answers from Salt Lake City on January 16, 2008
B., I'm not a single mom, but my husband and I read a lot about everything. I also believe that your feelings as a mother are usually right in line with what you really should do. You have a dual-gift when you have a child, the gift of a child and the gift of intuition. Your instincts are telling you to keep them separate. You should do that. This man, though wonderful he may be, is NOT your husband and is NOT your boy's father. You should be very careful when choosing a mate, and especially careful when choosing a father for your boy. He needs someone to teach him the things that are important to you and be a good role model as well as teach him how to be a good father (as his is obviously not). Choose carefully and follow your guts, don't push the relationship (either you and him, or your son and him). And TRUST YOURSELF!! And protect your boy like a mama bear!! He is all you have. ~V.
1 mom found this helpful
T.D. answers from Grand Rapids on January 12, 2008
I understand exactly where you are coming from. I have a 18 month old son and also started dating a great guy four months ago. I find myself very touchy on the issue. In the begining I kept them seperate and then when later trying to introduce them came across some issues of people saying that I was trying to find a new dad for my son. Well like you, as far as I'm concerned he gets everything he needs from me! I guess I'm in the same boat as you, so don't really have much advice to give, but it is nice to vent about it and hear that others feel this way! Has he made an issue about this or is it others?
T.S. answers from Milwaukee on January 14, 2008
My situation isn't exactly the same as my son does have a very good father that is involved in his life. We share custody. When I started dating it was several months before I introduced my son to my boyfriend. I wanted to make sure it was serious before I had them meet...that was over a year ago.
I did have moments where I worried my boyfriend would feel my son was a burden. For instance for some reason it felt weird when my boyfriend would pay for stuff for my son. Like I didn't mind him buying me dinner but felt like I should be paying for my sons. Silly hey? We talked about it and he explained that he knew that loving me meant loving Zach. One of the reasons he loves me is that I am a good mom.
Hopefully you have found a great guy that loves you for who you are...and part of who you are is a mom :)
B.G. answers from Melbourne on January 13, 2008
I have been where you are about 20 years ago. For three years I stayed single, but was lonely and I wanted to show my kids an example that life can be normal with a mom and a dad. The man I was dating must have been sent from God. The kids fell in love with him before I did and he lived up to my expectations. It was hard, but worth all the lessons that came from love.
D.W. answers from Milwaukee on January 16, 2008
You've been threw enough already, stop worrying about someone's perception. It will only get easier when you stop caring about what a boyfriend might think.
Enjoy dating, that is "your" time. You are a strong woman (you have to be) and you are right to believe you can be the Mom and the Dad. Take it from a woman who was raised by a mother who's husband (my dad) walked out on all of us. (I am very proud of my mother)
It will be tough so don't get, having a healthy relationship and having a man around to help (no matter how nice he is) confused.
As you know, your only real priority is your baby.
Have fun and enjoy your baby !!!! Keep them seperate.
J.O. answers from Boise on January 13, 2008
I can say I haven't really been in your position, there was a time my husband and I were seperated, but I was so busy trying to take care of the kids I never even entertained a man, as an outsider to your situation, I can see where it might be hard for you to allow another man into your sons life after all you HAVE been mom and dad, and that is a hard thing to let go of. In the newer part of a relationship I don't think you should, that doesn't mean he can't have a part in the childs life, he should see what he is in for and if he wants to be there, luckly your baby is still very yound so discipline and such really shouldn't be an issue, make sure there are nights that are just for you and him and times that are as a group. If you discover he is the man for you, then you have to allow him and your son to find there way togather, but talk about this with him, before so that there is never a question of what expectaions you have of him.
To the concerns you have about the whole "surrogate father" thing here is my take WHO CARES the more good male influences you have in your sons life the better! Ans it also ok for your son to learn that not all relationships work not because any one person is bad but just because sometimes two people aren't right for each other....sounds preachy don't mean for it to but good luck and enjoy your baby, they grow way to fast!
To your concerns about The whole "surr
K.B. answers from Grand Forks on January 16, 2008
Well I am not single but I always promised myself that if my childrens father and I were to seperate I would never allow another person in our relationship or home. I just dont have that level of trust in people. I know I would Kill someone for hurting my child or children. One of my fears and concerns Prevention is better than cure but that is just me.