Question on Disipline Issue with Almost 4 Yr. Old

As a former teacher, to control a classroom of 25 kids I had to stick with the number one rule in discipline which is you have to follow through. You need to make sure that what you said she can't do is something you can live with. Since you told her already she can't go to the gym then you have to stick with it. Personally, I feel the punishment doesn't fit the crime. The first time she would have hit, I'd put her in time out like you did. If she kept getting up, I'd pick her back up and put her back in time out. I would have kept doing that until she stayed for the full 3 mins. I had to do this with my one son and it took an hour the first time to get him to stay for the full allotted time, but I never had to do it again. After that he knew I was going to make him stay. Just stick to your guns. If you say she has to stay for 3 mins. them make her. If you say she can't go to the gym then she can't. She has learned what works to make you feel guilty like saying I'll go live in another house. She's also learned you won't follow through because that is why she gets up out of time out. Parenting is the hardest job out there...our little ones are too smart sometimes. Good luck to you and I hope it gets better.

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Children are smart and can learn very quickly how to manipulate mom and make her feel guilty, which is why your daughter is saying the things she says (living in another house, etc.). Evidently you have given some reaction to her statements that she liked, so she continues. And now you're worrying you're not "loving" her enough. Stop this nonsense and stick to your guns. :O) If your daughter has done something wrong, she needs to be punished in some way. That is the only way to stop the behavior and your younger daughter counts on you to protect her. If she says something like the "I will go live in another house" comment again, simply say, "No, since you are my daughter, you have to live here and so you have to follow the rules. Now what would you like for lunch?" If she says it (or anything like that again), you ignore it and ask again what she would like for lunch. In other words, don't give any big reaction to her comments and I GUARANTEE you they will go away because they will no longer give her the reaction she wants (sympathy, guilt from mom, punishment gone, etc.)

We parents tend to over-think little children. Don't do this. She doesn't realize she is manipulating you; she is just doing what children do. You be the parent and nip it. Besides, you already know you do love her enough & you are obviously a balanced person to be so concerned! {{{HUGS}}}

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Chances are you are a good mother being challenged by a strong willed child! AS a general rule: Discipline for young children should be immediate and related to the crime. Playing in the gym might not be directly related to the crime of hitting her sister. And you are right that she needs the exercise. Be firm to tell your daughter that hitting and hurting someone is not allowed ever! Enforce more strongly the time out. AF

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I agree mostly with what Ladybug says, except that I think once you've said that not playing at the gym is the consequence of her behavior, you have to follow through. It's really really important to mean what you say and to follow through and be consistent, so if you said she can't play at the gym, then she can't play at the gym. The problem is, Ladybug is right, it's not a fair punishment, especially if there's been a long time-lapse between when she committed the "crime" and when her punishment is meted out. Not only that, but it's also right that you can't punish her for not staying in time-out; you must enforce time-out itself or it's a worthless tool. So in this case, you're kind of stuck. In the future, know that there's nothing wrong with saying "Mommy's disappointed in you right now and needs to think about an appropriate consequence for your actions," then thinking things through (for a minute or two) before punishing. That way you won't get stuck defending an ineffective or unfair punishment. At this point, I think the only way you could get out of the no-playing-at-the-gym thing is if you sit down with her and talk about how disappointed you were, and give her something that she can do to earn the privilege back. That could work.
HTH,
K

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Kids are kids... not that it makes hitting right (not at all). I have two young children 4 and 6 and don't feel like your alone with them not getting along and hitting each other, it just seems to come with the territory of have more then one child. As for the gym situation, does she like doing something special at the gym or have a favorite thing she really likes to do there?... maybe you could take just her favorite away, for that day, if she wont stop hitting. Then that way you all can still go and get your exercise. Perhaps it may get the point across to be nice to her little sis... just a thought.
S..

Hi, K. - No - your punishment is not too harsh. If she is resentful, it will be temporary. I'm sure all you are doing is fine. When you have a strong-willed child, it is a whole new ballgame. My oldest had ODD - not pretty! I read everything I could get my hands on; there is no really good advice for a child like this, but the closest thing to her situation was a book by James Dobson; I think it was called simply "The Strong Willed Child"; maybe how to raise or how to discipline a strong willed child. The bottom line is - stand your ground. If a behavior is not tolerated, it must be punished. She will thank you one day! You'll wonder how you both survived, but it will all be worth it! My daughter is 25 now, and is amazing!!! Good luck. N.

I do not believe that this is too harsh. You will be teaching her that her actions receive consequences that could either be good or bad. She will see her sister playing and realize that her sister was not bad.

I don't think your being harsh as all although i don't think the punishment fits the crime. I think with children the punishment can't be long going. One because they get used to it and the punishment ends. Next because you are also punishing yourself because you have to regulate it and also punishing your younger child because she no has no one to play with. The punishment also has to be RIGHT than. Not later that day or tomorrow. If she hits her sister she should be separated right away. Made to play alone or set on time out. One or the other. Don't let her get up. Put her right next to you. Where you are, if your washing the dishes make her time out on the floor next to you or at the table but don't let her get away with getting up. I'm not saying punish her more for getting up I'm saying don't let her get up. Children don't get resentful like you think they would. Because they know why they are there. Children only get resentful if their sister did it and they got into trouble for it. So don't treat her as if she would be. Even if she did it would be misplaced and you need to let her know that by ignoring it.
Alot of parents believe in acknowledging certain things like being mad and stuff I don't believe that. They know how they feel and i don't need to say i understand. If they have misplaced anger you need to make sure they learn it is not acknowledge they are angry. Good luck

I would be careful about not letting her play at all if she has to watch her sister because resentment will set in and may worsen the problem. What my parents did with my and my little brother, and I now use with my son and his cousin (who he's with all the time) is that he has to sit out for the first 3-3.5 minutes, same length as a timeout should be for them (golden rule: 1 minute/year of age) and watch the sibling play, but then allow them to go as well, this will certainly show them consequences but if they get to play it won't be as bad. Also, please don't worry too much about the living at another house comment. My son told me in the car yesterday that he was going to the mommy store to get a new mommy, he didn't want me anymore and he wasn't mad at me at the time. He tells us to get out of his house, he doesn't like us anymore too, I have no idea where he hears this stuff, because we certainly don't talk like that in front of him nor do we allow him to watch tv that would talk like that. It's an age thing, though I'm still not sure where they get it, I'm guessing peers with older siblings. I think we should look at the positive, you're child is secure enough in your love that they feel like they can leave because they know you'll still love them, a child that felt unloved would not do this, they tend to cling to the unloving parents dramatically more than well-loved and nurtured children, trust me I work for UVa's Psychiatric Medicine department, we see that all the time. Best of luck!!

I wouldn't ground her from the gym forever, but once after she hits is not extreme! She has to have a punishment, and she will use every trick in the book to get you to feel badly/guilty for punishing her, but keep in mind, this is her tactic to not be in trouble....she has to learn that you are the boss, not her. Her tactic is working because you already feel like you are torturing her by not letting her get her own way. And trust me, kids are unconditionally loving and forgiving...they will not resent you for discipline - you show them you care by instructing them and providing borders for them. She will thank you for it later!

Stick to your guns! Being firm on these issues is probably the hardest thing to do. Hitting is a safety issue and a socialization issue. She needs to know your expectations and understand consequences. It's a trying time:-) My daughter turned four in September, so I feel your pain. It will make an impact and she'll know you mean business. I believe we really overthink these things these days- we are the parents and we have a role in instilling and modeling appropriate behaviors. Good luck! K.

Sounds to me that your daughter is doing what normal three year olds do. You are doing nothing wrong! As long as your daughter understands what she did is wrong and because it's wrong she loses her play-time at the gym. My hubby and I do the "baseball" approach. Strike 1- Warning Strike 2- Time Out and Strike 3 Loses a privilege. Just remind her that we don't hit and when we hit we get in trouble. Also, try reminding her to use her words instead of hitting. You may have to teach her what to say, or to come tell you instead of handling it herself.

Good Luck!