Question for Those Who Have/ Had a 8 Year Old Daughter

Are you a SAHM? If yes, then I get it. My oldest daughter pushed back from me at a very young age, and she craved independence. At seventeen she still does (though as she's getting ready to leave for real in the fall she has mellowed.) That's just her personality.
With ALL my kids, daddy was the superstar. Gee, I wonder why? He made his big entrance at dinner time, after I had been home all day dealing with the monotony, drudgery and reality of life. Daddy was like a special guest, and to make matters worse, most of what he did with them was fun. I mean, he NEVER took them to the doctor, or dentist, or tutoring, or any of the other myriad of boring things *I* made them do.
Try not to read too much into it, and try not to take it personally (hard, I know!) Just keep being the awesome mom you are, things have a way of working out in the long run :-)

I don't know why people just accept this as a normal stage at any age.
If I EVER said anything like that to my Mother, she'd have slapped me across the face and I'd have been grounded for a week.
(It was acceptable parenting in the 1960's. It might do some good to bring some things back again, not that you would consider it.)
Yes, she's entitled to her feelings.
What she's NOT entitled to is being rude and down right mean.
You cook her meals, wash her clothes, mother her and you let her treat you like dirt?
Where does it say that we give birth to them so they can treat us like door mats?
Stop being sad and get mad.
And further more - if your husband knows she treats you like this - WHY is he putting up with it, allowing it, and turning a blind eye to it?
My husband stands up for me (and I stand up for him) and neither of us accepts anyone dis-respecting either of us.
We are a team.
If he doesn't know - he needs to - and he needs to give her the cold shoulder and not do favors for her until she learns to act with some respect to BOTH her parents.
It is not acceptable and you should never just accept it.
Don't stand for it.
She needs a whole lot more gratitude in her attitude.

By the way - our son is 14 and he freely hugs both his father and me and doesn't care who's looking.
And his 21 yr old taekwondo instructor hugs his Mom and says he's comfortable with expressing affection - the other parents present cheered.

A.:

What does your husband say about all of this? Where is he when she says stuff like this to you?

I would stop pushing her. Tell her bye - treat her like she treats you. I know that sounds REALLY mean. But she KNOWS what she is doing. She's 8 years old. She's not 2 or 3, she's EIGHT. So she knows how to push your buttons and you allow her to do it. So instead of crying and showing her that she's managed to push your buttons? Brush it off and say "hasta la vista, baby" don't try to be her friend. Don't try and get her to love on you...just let her be.

Your husband should be correcting her. Your husband SHOULD be telling her that hurting your mother's feelings is NOT acceptable.

Each situation is different. Each family is different. what worked for me, might not work for you as your daughter isn't mine...different relationship, person, etc.

I wonder if it could be that she is in the "in love with her dad" phase and feels that you are NOT good enough for him?! I know girls - heck boys - go through it - it's not an Oedipus Complex - it's just the phase...some kids go through it. NOT ALL....

Good luck!

I just want to cry reading your post. This can be so hard. My daughter used to be very snuggly and huggy-kissy. She is started to want more space and privacy as well. I am having a hard time as well! My first instinct was to smother her more trying to squeeze the last sweetness from her! But then I realized this would backfire- as it will for you.

I just told my daughter, 'I get it, you're a big kid now. I can't survive without a kiss and hug from you, but maybe not as often, ok?' She sort of negotiated and I discovered that she didn't like it when she was doing homework or something and I walked by and kissed her forehead. I didn't know that! So I promised to stop doing that. It made good-bye and good-night kisses still fine because she had more space.

Your daughter sounds a bit more independent and outspoken, so you may have to have a more daunting talk with her. I would start by telling her that when she says she hates your kisses it makes you sad, and please don't say things like that. But that you hear her that she wants to kiss and hug less. Then do! As others have said, start giving her the space she wants. She may come back around a little, or she may not. Find other ways to connect with her. If she likes her hair braided, just offer to braid her hair- that's a physical closeness without her realizing it! Offer to paint her nails or just watch a movie. Don't focus on the lack of a kiss or hug, focus on what else you can have.

My daughter is now 13 and the range is still very broad- some girls are fine with their moms around and being affectionate, some pretend their moms don't exist! It breaks our hearts, and I can see how sad this makes you.

I stress again, don't focus on what you are missing, focus on what you have with her or create new things with her. Get her to cook with you, or garden, or something that keeps you close but not having her feel smothered. Then you're both happy! Good luck, and big hugs!

Even if a kid grows up and becomes independent, there is just being nice.

My daughter is 10. She will still hug/kiss me and even in front of her friends at school.
But sometimes, she will shoo me away. I always go by her, cues. She is the one to initiate it, at school.
At home, it is both ways.

But, I tell my daughter "as you grow up, you may not like to be all affectionate. But, there is just human decency. Too. And being mature about it. You don't have to hurt the other's feelings if you don't want a hug/kiss. But I am your Mom, and you best remember that..... I am always there for you, even when you are a beast.... it is a 2-way street."
And she, gets it.
I also tell her "I wish my Dad were still alive. I need a hug/kiss still, from my parent. But I can't now. My Dad is dead...."

No matter what, even if a kiddo does not want "affection", they do not have to do it in a hateful way.
I teach, my kids that.
Even my 6 year old son.
And... my Husband will back me up, on it.

There is respect. And there is respect. NO matter how, independent or how old, a person is.

My kids, are ALSO close to their Dad. My Husband. BUT.... they are also close to me. Preferences will or may happen, but... no matter what... they do not have to do it in a hateful or rude or hurtful... manner.
I don't care if they are a teenager or 2 years old or 22 years old. There needs to be, a limit... on how moody/sulky or "rude"... you let them, be. TO you.

And, if my daughter gets rude to me.
I note it mentally.
Then, the next time she wants/needs something... I tell her "do not ever, manipulate me or act all nice or mean, depending on your mood. Or age. I am, always your Mom, I always am there for you... and even if I don't want to. You are growing up. Therefore, you need to be more responsible... for your moods and actions and tones of voice. Now... I am busy. You think about that... and come back..."

She's pushing your buttons. You are an easy target for her own insecurities and frustration. If you take that away by creating boundaries, she might actually have to talk about them. You are not doing her any favors by letting her call the shots.
Nobody talks about this when you have kids but yep, if they can, on occasion they will hurt your feelings. You have to be strong enough to show no emotion, no need, no want. That does not mean she does not have consequences. She can "hate it" but can not say, she hates you. But it would be smart to back off from emotional displays. If you wait this out with coolness and the knowledge it will end, then you take control away from her.
That's a little voice in your head but you are making it much bigger and more powerful than it needs to be.

What is the relationship with dad like? What is dad's personality like? Does she have a much different personality from yours? Like, are you a lovey/touchy/feely person where your husband might be more reserved? If she is like him, it's possible that maybe you might need to show her love in a way that she receives better. It reminds me of the book the 5 Love Languages.

For example, some people feel love through hugs, some through time. If you are a Hug person and you give give a hug person a hug - they'll "feel" it as love, but if you give a TIME person a hug, they don't feel that love as strongly as they would if you gave them TIME. Since they don't feel the hug as intended, the hug person feels rejected.

Maybe she has a very different personality and it's not clicking. Not rejecting, just not in sync. Try talking to your husband, maybe. And to your daughter as well. She may not have the words to tell you what she needs, but maybe you guys can find some middle ground. And do it from an "I enjoy spending time with you and love you, but I can see you feel uncomfortable sometimes. How can we make that better and still have mom/daughter time?"

Good luck!

It's not that unusual for a kid to "hate" being hugged. It is her body and we do need to teach kids that they have a say over their own bodies. I have an 11 year-old daughter and we're close, but she rarely lets me hug her (good thing I'm not that much of a hugger) and never in public. (She would die of embarrassment if I kissed her at her bus stop, now or when she was 8!) But, at home both morning and night, she will come and cuddle with me. So, I let her decide, mostly, when she wants affection.

I suggest that you plan things for the two of you to do, and don't give her the option of only going with her dad. Talk with your husband and decide which things are best done with him and which with you. No need to make these times always fun/treat things, just normal events are fine. You as her parents are in charge of who goes to events.

Also, I suggest that you could work on not taking an 8 year-olds actions and words so to heart. (Or else you could be in for major heartache in the coming teenage years.) Stand up for yourself. If she says "you're not staying are you?" respond with "of course! I wouldn't miss this!"

Kids may act like they want to be in charge, but they need you to be. By being so emotionally affected by her perceived rejection, you are actually letting her down, by giving her the control in your relationship. You can't be dependent on her day-to-day acceptance of you. If you retreat some emotionally, she will be more likely to reach out.

If this continues to be a problem, I recommend you consider counseling, mainly for you, but for you and your husband, also.

My 8 year old is also a mini teenager (has been for a while now). Dad and you need to sit her down and tell her you expect her to talk respectfully...no being rude. Give her examples. No, she cannot say things like she is saying to you...and she needs a consequence when she is rude. Don't let her run the show. Be sure to do plenty of one on one things with her...not Dad. Dad needs to be upset with her if she disrespects you too.

Aww, sweetie, I'm sorry. This is really typical for the age. I don't have a daughter, but it happens with boys too.

Hang in there!!

Rejecting being touched is not the same thing as rejecting you. Allow her privacy of body and try to not take it personally. Stop trying to hug and kiss her against her wishes and you may be surprised by an attitude change towards you.

I have an 8 and 1/2 year old and can relate some. No way can I kiss or hug her goodbye at school anymore. Even putting my hand on her shoulder gets shrugged off. It does make me sad but she's not my youngest at least. I am super respectful of no PDA for her. So at the bus stop, no more kisses goodbye IMO. She may be so up in arms about the public stuff it's carrying over into private. My daughter is still ok with hugs and kisses in private though I have to say not as much all the time as when she was younger. I would just really back off. And I would talk to her. I try to keep a dialogue about what embarrasses my daughter so as she gets older, she will still feel comfortable telling me. And I was very close with my dad. He did do the fun stuff. I was athletic while my mom isn't at all. Didn't mean I didn't love her. Finally, do you dress ok and look ok? Superficial and she can't be rude to you but kids do get self conscious about their parents' appearance. That shouldn't come into play at home but if it's an issue at all, it could be carrying over. Or the opposite, you're "too cool". I'd try to talk to her. Say you remember getting older and not wanting your mom to hug so much, is that how she feels? And then go on to ask if anything else is bothering her. I agree you can demand she be polite but I'd want to go beyond that and see what's driving this. But who knows, at her age in a week she could do a total about face. They do go through lots of phases quickly.

Eight is like a mini adolescence. They're...fun.

You might look at what she does with her dad and compare what you do. For example, my DH is much more physical than I am. DD loves to go for bike rides - so she goes with him. But when she wants to shop, that's my gig. So I would try to meet her where she is. What is she interested in? Maybe you need to try a few new activities so you can have something to share with her.

Now, all that said, I would not allow her to be rude or backtalk me. You're still her mom, even if she doesn't want a hug or for you to stay with her. I'd teach her a better, more polite way to make her requests.

And, though you might not like the answer, you might try asking, "Why do you hate it?"

This is where your HUSBAND needs to step up and tell her that she MUST be nicer to you or HE will stop doing things with her. And he has to force her to do things with you that are fun - maybe more girlie things like having her nails done, or if she is the adventurous type maybe a trip to Odyssey Fun World for some bumper cars and laser tag.

It has to your husband telling your daughter that this is what he wants and setting it up to happen. And it needs to be every week that he does. It will get better if he is the one forcing it to, otherwise she won't change. So, have a talk with hubby and tell him how this hurts you and what you want to try to make it better. He may have to be really "busy" out of the house on errands or something that she can not go to for a while each week.