Ok, so I've been doing everything I can to be helpful to my ex in the 7 months that we've been separated. I bought all of the housewares/appliances for his new place, gave him money when times were tight, even did his shopping for him when he was sick. And, to top it all off, I haven't asked for a penny from him for child support or daycare expenses; and he certainly hasn't offered.
Fast forward, my ex managed to download a virus onto his computer, and was unable to fix it himself. So, he asked if I could take a look. He actually downloaded several very nasty viruses, but I was able to fix it with a ton of time and effort. So, I'm going through the files to make sure that there's nothing lurking there. And I see that he's been taking pictures of my house when it's not clean. He's even come into the house when no one is home and taken pictures of dirty dishes and stuff.
I've been paying the mortgage, but he won't give the keys & garage door opener back because his name's on the mortgage. So, now that I see that he's being devious when I'm trying to be fair, I'm seeing him in a whole new light. I'm wondering if I can change the locks or is that against the law? He wants to take the girls to see his parents out of state in July. Do I have to let them go? If there's no custody order in effect before they leave, which there likely won't be....can he just not come back?
EDIT: I did already delete the files. And, I did confront him. He says that he took the pictures as protection, in case I try to make it a dirty fight. When I confronted him, and brought up all that I'd done for him he said that I SHOULD do those things. As if he was entitled to all of it....Boys have cooties.
Thank you so much to all of you for your advise and concern. I really, really appreciate it. I was feeling so isolated in this divorce, my family all lives in other states. This site and all of the people who frequent it have created such a warm and caring community. It really is a godsend.
I did meet with a lawyer on Friday. We had a very thorough two hour meeting. He's advised me to change the locks. He says that any judge will understand my need to feel safe in my home, and that someone else being able to access it takes away from that feeling. So, I'm changing the locks and reprogramming the garage door this afternoon. And, my daughter has to attend summer school this year, so the kids aren't going to be able to go out of state with him. Yay!
I'm certainly going to be cautious about my interactions with him and keep plenty of notes. But, I have no intention of being cruel, it's not in me.
I feel so much more at ease after having met with a lawyer.
Again, thank you so much for your concern. It's so wonderful to have support when going through these difficult times.
Best of luck to all of you,
N.
My sister is in a messy divorce now. Both their names are on the mortgage but he moved in with his girlfriend. She changed the locks because her lawyer told her too. As far as the children go.....if you are worried he will not bring them back...then I wouldn't let them go. There is a difference between using the kids to get at him and doing what you feel is safe for them.
I"m not a lawyer, but I would suggest keeping a detailed "Log" of what each of you do with/for the kids, who is paying for what, AND all those things you mentioned you've been doing for him to help him out.
Well, I'm not a lawyer mom, and I don't have all the answers you asked for, but I do have an answer to one question, unless it varies state to state.....yes, if there is no custody arrangement, he doesn't have to bring the kids back. My sister's exhusband took the kids for a "visit" then refused to let my sister have them back, called the cops when she showed at the house, etc. What the cops told us was that there was nothing that we could do except wait for them to be with somebody OTHER than him, and essentially steal them back. So we waited for him to go to work and after three days of searching found the babysitter he was using, so we called the cops and had them meet us there and the babysitter couldn't stop us because my sister was one of the parents. Hope our story helps you make wise desicions.
Good luck!
A.
P.S. Please do get a lawyer A.S.A.P. it is very important when there are children involved.
N., get a lawyer right away and do not let him take those children out of state without some sort of order in place. Your gut is telling is telling you something - listen to it. Good luck!
Dear N.,
What are you doing??? Did you do something bad that now you're feeling guilty for leaving him? Why on earth are you enabling this man. He's a man. He should be working and supporting you. You're allowing him to cross the boundry lines. This isn't about being fair. Yes, you can change the locks. He doesn't live there anymore. You shouldn't be going to his place and he shouldn't be able to come to yours.
I would quickly try to get some legal custody worked out. You're making it very easy for him to get what he wants and if it keeps going this way, he'll get the kids and show that HE needs alimony from you.
Are you really going to get divorced? It sounds like theres some emotional attachment still going on.
I don't mean to sound so gruff, but this is how it all seems to me.
TALK TO A LAWYER TODAY!
When I left my 1st husband, a police officer told me that unless there is a custody agreement there is nothing they can do. Kind of "possession is 9/10 of the law." If he takes them and doesn't want to return them he doesn't have to.
You definitely need to get something filed in court, if the divorce is going to take awhile I would think an attorney could help you with a temporary custody agreement.
I was too nice to my ex and have suffered for it for 10 years now. I agreed to joint custody of my son and have regretted it ever since. He fought for full custody and used a lot of pictures I had taken of the 2 of them together to try to show that he had always been a part of our sons life--I took the pictures that, is why I wasn't in them, for crying out loud! His attorney had him file for divorce before I did, so it would make him look like the victim rather than me.
Anyway, please get legal advice right away to find out for sure what you need to do, before it is too late! He probably already has and is going to beat you to it.
I am not a lawyer, but have been through divorce.
Be kind, but have boundaries..It does seem like he is up to something. Remember that all of a sudden they can start listening to everyone else and not follow their hearts.People get angry and get involved..Grandma, friends, family.
Keep a little notebook and jot down the date and whatever you did for him, what you saw, what he said. It does not have to be a big deal..little notes. keep it by the phone.
Get that paperwork started and the best advice I got..
Take the Upper road it all works out in the wash. Be the adult, your kids are watching and they are the most important people in all this. if he gets weird and nasty..you get business like, and your business is your kids..be kind with your words about your ex around your children and hang on tight. It can get ugly..I am sorry..but get a lawyer today and start being in control. It sounds like he is using you and has something up his sleeve. yes change the locks, he no longer lives there..be in the driver's seat and feel free to kindly say "no" to all his requests...It is time to buck up and he is NOT going to be happy..right now he still has you by a string and he is toying with you..Cut the string. Good Luck.
In Nebraska you cannot take the children out of the state without court permission if you are legally divorced. You must have written consent from the other parent.
I would copy all he has done on his computer. You were given permission to access it so its fair.
log everything you have done financially for him.
You do not have to let the kids go on a trip and i wouldnt until i have legal documentation stating if he fails to return them there will be legal action up to and including arrest for him and anyone who helps him.
were you awarded the house in the divorce? if so- it doesnt matter if he is on mortgage papers- you can change locks and refuse him entry. you may have the cops called on him if he enters without your permission.
i would tap your phones to record any conversations you have with him. (ck for legality) here in NE if its your own phone the person on other line does not have to be notified they are being taped. ( things WILL start getting nasty sooner than later and you will want it from his own mouth)
ask your neighbors to document anything they see or hear that indicates he has been in or around the house when you are not there.
I tried the be nice to the ex thing and i ended up without my kids for awhile because of the cant remove them from the state without exs and courts permission... mind you-- ex said he would let me move them then changed his mind once i found a job and a place to live and was in the process of moving.
there are lawyers who do pro bono work if you cant afford one- but act before he does.
good luck!
GO, right now, to your lawyer! These are very important questions you want to have the answer to before they leave the state. You do not want to be unsure about those sorts of things... the pictures he took sound uncomfortably like he is planning to try and prove to a judge that you are a bad mother... and especially if you don't feel comfortable asking him why he took them of if he has been in the house without asking, you need to know what your legal rights are, and fast. There maybe a way you can change the locks legally if he is out of the house, and that sounds like an important thing to do right now!
I hope you are documenting all of the financial (and other) assistance you are giving him. That may be very important in the future, as well- because right now it sounds like you are supporting him as well as your kids, and if he tries to take custody you will need to demonstrate that.
Divorce proceedings can get very ugly. I have no way of knowing the character of your ex, but it really does sound like there is a chance he's setting you up for something and taking advantage of you. If he's broken your trust by taking these pictures, you need to protect yourself legally now. It will only save you a longer, more drawn out legal process and more pain for your kids in the future.
hi, please go see a lawyer. i so dont want you to regret not to doing it on time. since there is not custody in place he will beat you to it. i am pretty sure he has one by now and he is been told what to do so you get hurt. and since you are tecnicly married whats yours its his too. it sucks. this happen to me too. and please if you can change your locks, just say a lot of your stuff was desapiring (move that stuff to a storage or something) and buy him somekind of virus protection and go to his computer and try to instal it and delete all the pics (that's a good excuse). and just play nice (as what he is doing) and get everything in order so you dont get screwed at the end. good luck. i just wish i have done it that way but instead i got to be the bad one.
I'm not a lawyer and I have not read the other responses, but definately change the locks. You have every right to do that. Also, I believe you are well within your rights to say that they can't go out of state with him. (Even with a joint custody order in place, my mom refused to let my dad take me out of state, although she took me out of state many times) If you are really concerned, I believe that when you are sorting out your custody situation, you can have it stated in your custody arrangement that he is not allowed to take them out of state without your permission (or not at all)
He sounds like trouble and it sounds like he is using you, because he knows you are a nice person and would help anyone (even him as an ex) and he is taking advantage of that.
Get a lawyer and get a custody agreement in place ASAP and get a child support order.
and CHANGE THOSE LOCKS ASAP!!! He has no business having keys to your house and being there when no one is home.
I wish the best for you. Hugs and God bless!
If you have no leagal custody araingment, he doesn't have to bring them back until you have a court order which can take a long time. Definitly keep track of all you help him with and all chid related expences. I would quit helping him and file for child support.
I'm not a lawyer, I'm just thinking of my custody case for my children when I am answering this. As far as I know if there is not a custody order in place he can leave and not come back. He can apply for custody there if there is not one in place where you are at. Also it looks as though he might be planning something with taking pictures of your place. I would just be wary.
I'm not a lawyer but I know this much: Stop helping him. If you help him now you are setting a precedent and a court may make you always financially help him. Change the locks. You don't have to let him take the kids anywhere. There is no order in place so you both can do whatever you want.
Go see an attorney. Make him pay child support and daycare costs. Set up a visitation schedule. In other words, get a temporary order in place if you and your attorney feel it is in your and your children's best interests.
You need to establish some boundaries on his actions.
Just because you're divorcing doesn't mean you have to hate each other, but it also doesn't mean that you have to get taken advantage of.
Good luck and take care of yourself.
The quicker you have a separation agreement in place, the better!! I highly recommend Erickson Mediation in Bloomington (http://www.ericksonmediation.com/). If you can keep this about agreement and not competition, everyone will be better off. The Ericksons will get to the practical issues - finances especially - quickly and less expensively than lawyers. They can usually schedule an initial appointment within a week or so. Ask them the questions you are asking us. Especially the visiting out of state question! It's sad, but "possession is 9/10ths of the law" is true with children too. Whatever the law says, it's difficult to enforce, especially across state lines. If he takes the kids and doesn't come back, he is setting himself up poorly, but you may be in for a bigger battle than you want, especially if he has the support (financially) of his parents!! Get to a mediator or lawyer toda!!
I've been through two divorces, and battled for years alongside my ex with his first ex... and I doubt pictures of dirty dishes will get him anywhere in any court action. But don't be so trusting that you are putting your interests at risk. He needs to pay his share and you need to stop giving him money.
Dear N., what ever you do STOP helping your ex. I am not a lawyer, but I have been in the same position as you. Wanting my divorse do go well, I helped my ex out too. No divorse is going to go well. Until there is something in writing from the court do not let him take the girls out of state! No, I do not think you can change the locks, but you can add locks, or a chain. If you should come home and the chain lock is broke then you know someone has been there. Call your family and friends, try to get someone to come over on your days off to help clean the house or someone to stop in for an hour to clean for you. The most important things are not to keep the house tidy, it is to keep the house clean. The difference is, clean dishes, clothes, your sinks and bathroom. Do not worry about the toys, crayons or coloring books. Clutter is normal in a house with kids. Another thing, get reciepts of anything you have done for him, shopping or giving money. Stop making things so easy for him. He is not going to be fair to you. If you do not have a lawyer, get one right now! Before it is too late. Good luck.
You should change the locks and tell him why. You cannot legally keep him from taking the girls on a trip to see his parents and it is unlikely that he will take them and not return (although I understand your fears around this).
If you haven't already, you should get a lawyer now and start the divorced proceedings before the July trip so that he is aware that the court is actively involved in your case.
It sounds like he's got the best of both worlds N. ~ he's got you, the kids, access to the house and doesn't have to pay a dime! Is this real life? No, it is not.
The sooner he starts paying child support the sooner he will start to act like a man who has lost everything. This is when the s**t hits the fan. So brace yourself.
N.: you need to get into court and get a temporary hearing in order to get an order by the court. Unfortunately you cannot rely on common sense or trust in this situation and you must have the advice of counsel, or at least an order by an objective party-a judge. If you have not consulted with a lawyer, I suggest you do immediately. I am a lawyer-not practicing in that area but can give you the names of some very good attys in Milwaukee or West Bend area, not sure where you are. My business is PANTOGA LAW OFFICES, SC and my profile should be on this website if you need it. Good luck. hp
N.:
I am a paralegal and also in a similar situation. My husband has two children with different women. He was married to one of them. Since there is no Court Order for vistation then you do not have to let them go especially out of the state. If you allow him to take them then I believe he may not come back and there is nothing you can do since there is no order. If I were you I would start being totally fair with vistations (don't let him take them out of the state though) and get yourself a lawyer and file for full custoday ASAP!!!! Take pics of your house when it is clean and change the locks!
You have some great advice here. Getting the seperation agreement is most important. When my nephew came to visit, he took his girls back with him out of state and the mother couldn't do anything about it since there was no agreement. He tried to file for custody where he was living(they both lived there until she moved back up here with the girls while he was in Iraq), he was told that the custody hearing had to be done here since this was concidered the girls primary residence(all the girls belongings were here). The divorice could be done down in the state he was in. So chances are if he takes custody of the girls and takes them out of state, he probably will be told that he had to have the custody hearing in your state. Don't let it go that far though, can you imagine parents kidnapping you and fighting over you every day?
Also there was something about the phone tapping. As far as I know, the recordings wouldn't be admissiable in court, but if you record it then transcribe it, the conversation will be admissiable.
I think to be an unfit parent, you have to have more then dirty dishes in your sink. You have to have a house that shows it hasn't been cleaned for weeks and then it becomes unhealthy. If he shows pictures of the dishes in the sink, tell them that it shows you cook and care for the children but put off dishes so you have a few more minutes reading or playing with the kids. It is best to keep the house clean somewhat though. (I say this as I look at my dirty floor full of flour from baking cookies yesterday with my granddaughter.)
Last thing, your daughters are old enough to help out. Have a house cleaning party on saturday mornings and give the 3 year old a rag and let her dust for you. The 12 year old can vacuumn, pick up toys, clean bathrooms or dishes. Then go out to the park or to a movie as a reward afterwards.
I didn't read all the advice you've already got posted, but after reading your story - I'm thinking you should just go ahead and change the locks. If he has a problem with it, tell him to take you to court over it. It sounds like he's in no financial position to challenge you.
I don't know about the custody situation, so I can't help you there. I would definately tread lightly and try to make sure you have/find a good divorce lawyer.
I agree with a lot of the responses. Get a lawyer, get something on paper. And instead of giving him your money, hire a housekeeper for a couple hours a week, or get a neighborhood teen to help clean house. School is getting out, and kids too young for an outside job will want to earn some money.
He can most likely take the girls for a trip, but he can't just "not come back." That is considered parental kidnapping. If you have caught him taking pictures of the house, most likely he is planning on portraying you as an unfit parent to try and get custody. You say that you are in the middle of a divorce. I assume this means that you have a lawyer. If not, you need to get one immediately.
1) Tell the lawyer what he is doing
2) Of course do what the lawyer tells you to do, but I would file for a legal separation. This will figure out a custody schedule, and give you a legal right to live in the house, and change the locks if you wish.
3) If there is nothing legal right now about you guys not living together, he can come and go out of that house all that he wants to. He also has no legal obligation to pay for a darn thing (although this will look really bad in court).
The ultimate advice that I can give you is to tell your lawyer everything, and have the lawyer petition the judge to stop this nonsense. At the very least, telling the judge what is going on could potentially head off anything else that he might try to bring up later. If you don't have one, GET A LAWYER. If you can't afford one, you can go to Legal Aid and they will represent you for free.
Also, stop doing all of the things that you have been doing for him. It won't help you in the end, and you can see that he is not reciprocating your generosity.
And, if you wanna be a little devious yourself...pretend you have to look at his computer one more time and delete all of those pictures. Then, he doesn't have any "proof" against you.
N.. this is a no brainer, if you are seperated that means you don't want to be married to him any more so why are you being so helpful to him by giving him money, buying him things,and fixing things for him??????? and why did'nt you delet the pictures on his computer when you saw them?????? you should have had the locks changed the first night he went out the door. and if you dare let him take the kids any where with out a court saying he can you need help. any man who does not care enough about the welfare of his children to not pay child suport has no busness having a rights to them to take them anyware. start getting a back bone and look after you and your kids and the heck with him. and get a lawyer fast if you don't already have one. to change the garage door opener take the box lid off look at the numbers match them to the numbers on your garage door opener(take the back cover off)If you think for one minute by being nice to him he is going to be nice to you think again men change fast when they are not getting there way and it wont be pretty. wait until he finds out he can't get into the house any more and you will see what I mean. take care and good luck
Change your locks, it is your house. It does not matter if his name is on the mortage. You live there he does not. If he ask you for a key. Tell him no, you don't live here anymore and have no need. Also get the code changed on your garage door opener. Don't let the kids go out of state with him on a trip. If he can't afford his bills and other that you have been paying for he surely cannot afford GAS. Needless to say protect yourself and your kids. Pray your divorce goes through fast.
Whatever you do, Please do not use the children for a power source to get back at your ex. Rember your issues are with you and your ex. Do not punish your children by taking time away from their Dad and other family. I know your husband may be doing things you don't like, but just don't hurt the kids relationship, they need both parents and they need to see them try to get along as much as possible, no matter how hard it may be. These girls are i am sure are going through enough as it is right now.
Please take my advice as my parents went through a divorce when I was 13 and I know much about this subject. It may be hard for you , but your children are stuck in the middle.
My parents now get along very well as friends and even talk on the phone and e-mail each other weekly. They are in other relationships/ marriage, but it feels good to know they let the past be the past.
the man is using you,look's like to me he is also sitting YOU up for a dirty fight yes change your locks call your lawyer he would not take my kids until costody papers are in order,stop being so nieve get your child support now ! you do not have to wait for the divorce,then get reinvorce for what you bought,maybe you need a new laywer,being nice is good infact greatbut don't be a fool he is setting you up.
I really, really hate to say this but you need to get a primary physical care/visitation arrangement down on paper ASAP. I've seen many, many couples going through dissolution proceedings that begin by being amicable but never end that way. Pettiness almost always enters the picture. Your soon to be ex can leave the state with the children unless you have something that says otherwise however if proceedings are currently active in your state then he will have to return eventually as your state has jurisdiction. I can almost guarantee that he is mounting a custody defense by taking the pictures you described (possibly because he doesn't want to pay child support). You need to do what is best for yourself and your children and stop trying to be nice to him. By no means should you be rude to him but stop the nonsense of taking care of him, see your attorney and discuss this with him or her and move on from there. Have you thought about confronting him about the pictures?
Why have you been doing everything you can to be helpful to your spouse in the past seven months? Is there a reason you are being subservient toward him like that? Your children need him to be paying child support, for educational accounts if for nothing else! I would think it's the season in your life to be doing everything you can to be helpful to yourself and your kids, not your ex. Change the locks on the door...it will discontinue that annoying dialogue with him. Stop enabling him, because he too is an adult and he needs to behave like one. Get an attorney, you need one right away. Let his side of the family continue to have a relationship with your children. Basically I think you need to start getting selfish and consider your own feelings before you consider his.
I am not a lawyer, but I think you have every right to refuse to let the girls leave the state if you have concerns. I agree with those urging you to be cautious -- he sounds like he could be trouble.
Change the locks and get a lawyer.
REALLY REALLY be careful. He sounds like trouble.. Personally I would not let him take the girls, say that you already have something planned. He does not pay child support so to me you have a say. I think it would be against the law if you got the locks changed but then again, he is not living there. My husband and I bought a house on contract and they can not come into our house un invited since there names are on the loan. So if you would change the locks, you probably could fight that if it because an issue. I would maybe call someone and ask.. In the mean time, STOP doing things for him!!!!! I wish you luck..
I'm not a lawyer but I am a mother of four going through my second divorce, I would not let the kids leave the state. Even with visitations in my state a parent is not allowed to leave the state without the other parents consent. If he is doing things like this I would assume he is doing it so he will have some sort of cause when you try to take him for child support or when the state does. If you do not have anything in place for custody and he takes them out of state he has every right to have them so long as he lets you know where they are. I would talk to a lawyer about your divorce and start getting things on paper. Good Luck I wish you the very best.
From one divorced mother to another. Change the locks! My ex pulled stuff like that on me. Worry about the legality later. I would definitely download the information you found on his computer and save it for future reference in case he decides to pull something on you. Also, you have been a little too generous to him during this separation. You don't have to do anything for him now that you are getting divorced. Sounds like he is taking advantage of you. Cut off all ties. I wouldn't let your girls go with him either; at least not until there is legal custody agreements on the books. Protect yourself and your kids. Forget him.
