Question for All Mothers and Mother in laws.....esp Those with Older Kids

Not a MIL, but I think it depends on the ability of the givers. The most important thing would be their effort - to spend time or think of a gift.. .the cost of the gift wouldn't really matter - especially if they weren't in a position to buy much.

I hope that the recipient not only knows it's the thought that counts, but also considers that there may be financial reasons one couple gets her a card and not other things. Another reason could be that it's just not their thing to go out and buy big/extravagant or seemingly so gifts for others. I feel that if someone wants to do those sorts of things to make a person feel special then they should not wait for a birthday. Get that person a gift on a non-special occasion! :)

Not a mother in law yet and my kids are still young.

But in all honesty, as long as my kids acknowledged me even with just a card on Mothers Day I would be ok with it.

EDIT TO ADD:

Have your husband and you yourself write a well meaning note in the card on how much you care and appreciate your Mom/MIL and leave it at that.

I can't speak for myself (not a mother-in-law) But I can speak for my Dad and Stepmom. My husband and I always get them something nice for the holidays or special occasions. But my older brother and his wife never do. My dad doesn't care about not getting anything because when it comes down to it, it's just "stuff". But what they are hurt about is that we rarely hear from my brother and wife. They aren't the most family oriented people so we are lucky if we hear from them once a year. To my Dad, just keeping in-touch is more important than physical gifts. I'm sure it will be the same for my husband and I when the time comes that the kids will leave the nest. :)

Personally, I can't stand cards. A phone call would be good enough for me.

Not a mom of grown kids, but having been in the position of being my mom's child who has more than once been financially incapable of doing more than sending a nice card for occasions such as Mother's Day, I have always hoped that my mother (and mother-in-law) understood that my love and admiration of them is not always able to be expressed in a materially equivalent gift. In fact, were I a millionaire, I'm not sure I could give my mother something adequate to express thanks for everything she is to me.

Having said that, I know that it isn't always a money thing. Some people are more thoughtful and better gift givers than others. I can see where it would be hard not to be hurt by the lack of consideration, but unless there are other reasons (like an otherwise poor relationship with this son), I think I'd have to let it go and accept him as he is.

Honestly if I were in that situation (which I never will be because I have daughters) I would just assume that one DIL purchases all the gifts and that is why you get nice, thoughtful gifts from one family and one DIL says to her husband mother's day is coming up, what are you getting your mom? He forgets or just isn't a good gift giver (most of the men I know are not) so you get a card. I wouldn't care one way or the other because I am one of those people who truly means you don't have to get me anything when I say it. I like spur of the moment 'I saw this and thought of you so I got it' gifts rather than 'it is a holiday/special occasion so I felt I had to purchase you something' gifts.

I'm not even close to beign a MIL - Thank goodness ;-) I Honestly would have to say Their financial situations would 'influence' my feeling on the subject....IF Bobby and Sue had Lots of $$ and were comfortable and gave me a gift for Every occasion I would greatly accept it :-) IF Tommy and Jane lived paycheck to paycheck - I would feel guilty if they felt they needed to get me something...... YET if Tommy and Jane were equally financial stable like Bobby and Sue - --NO I dont think I would be bothered by it. A card is Nice !
I think I'm just rambling here, seemed to 'sound' better in my head..... hope this helps ;-) LMAO

.

I usually err on the side of giving a handmade-by-the-child gift, and a thoughtful card. How can anyone look down their nose at a gift that the grandkids made with their own two hands? It is still very much an acknowledgement of the special day for mothers, plus they put their little hearts into their creations. If you don't feel compelled to 'buy' a gift, maybe do something handmade? Or let them decorate a frame and put their picture in it? I know this isn't the most creative idea in the world, but it's still giving something more than a card, and with the handmade touch, it's kinda hard for grandma to do anything but love it. At least that's the way my son's grandmothers seem to feel.

S.,
I personally like have my grown children all together to spend time together , but, it gets awfully hard at times because 1 child lives out of town, 1 son works out of town , and its not always easy to arrange for my other son either. So, I take what I can get, and if it means a nice card, or flowers or a gift , no matter, I appreciate that the time was taken to pick out a card or gift . And if it means I can only spend time with one or two , thats what I do ! I don't feel hurt by just getting a card, material things come and go, and they just don't mean as much as the time we spend together. To me finding or making time means so much more , because you can't buy it and it can't ever be taken from you , the memories you make with the time together !
Hope your Day is Great either way !

C. S.

I have a married son and daughter. I never expect anything for Mother's Day, that eliminates any disappointment. I think people have the right to give whatever they feel is appropriate and affordable for them. I as the receiver am not the one to judge, only to appreciate.

I'd rather receive a spoken statement of caring or appreciation than a purchased gift anytime.

The way I feel most loved is when I get the cute, inexpensive, made in school out of construction paper thing that my youngest (now 9) gives me with a smile!

I understand what your trying to get at. Your asking if the mom in question (your mother in law) would think less of you and hubby if you give a card instead of a gift. I know that I personally might be insulted if I was looking at it from the outside. But as a mom she must know that your struggling right now. On the other hand if you skip her for mothers day and give only a card cause your struggling and then take a Hawaiian cruise the next month she might not take it well. It is truly the thought that is important. I do think though that you could make her something maybe a cd w/music with photo's of her with her kids thru the years and she would love it. I would not be hurt by the non gift givers but I would in my heart wonder if they just didn't care enough to try to do something. good luck

Does your MIL live near you? I think cooking and having her over would be nice. You don't have to spend a lot of $ on her, but you (and your husband if you make him help cook :) put for the effort.

no there is not much I need or want so a card is fine. if he gets distracted which happens a call is all I need. dinner would be a nice change if he can afford it but if they cant afford a gift or dinner why bash them cause they are getting stable and still learning. I gave my oldest part of his birthday but we were running behind and forgot the other part. He was cool with it. I forgot his cake too. so my thoughts if I can do it he can too. He wasn't offended. So why should I be? Things happen things come up and young adults sometimes have a hard time making ends meet and to expect them to pay for a gift is wrong if they are having a hard time making ends meet. If my oldest gives my youngest crayons and writes happy mothers day on it and lets my youngest color it I would be happy with that cause I know my 3 yr old had a blast making it.

invite her over for dinner :) you are still spending the same amount eating that you normally would and its a more cool gift in my opinion.

My feelings would be hurt if I felt that one set loved me but the other was just doing the bare minimum or didnt love me as much. I would be particularly irritated with the wife, because she should know better and I would think she was doing more for her own mom than me.

I would suggest getting with the other couple and doing a group gift that everyone goes in on. Or you could go for a non-monetary thing for Mothers Day. For instance, last year, my sil put in a flower bed for her mom for mothers day. She and her husband gave up a whole saturday and pulled weeds. They used mostly exisitng stuff out of the shed to put together a nice little flower bed with very little out of pocket. You know that will be a memorable Mothers Day for her that made her feel very loved. You could make her a special dinner. Offer to clean out her garage. Maybe Paint her shed.

I'm a mil and I have young kids to boot. I have a stepson who is married and my eldest dtr who is 19 lives with her boyfriend (like they are married). I don't feel negatively towards one if their gift isn't as nice as the other. The acknowledgement of the occasion is enough for me. If they were to forget all together and don't even bother to call or give a card, I do feel hurt. I just want the effort to be made is all. I can actually care less if one gives a nice gift and the other doesn't as long as they wish me a happy whatever it happens to be. Make sense? Nothing is more precious to me than your love and time. That's all I ask for. :)

I'm in the same boat, on both sides!!

ILs always get her a BIG bouquet of flowers, candy, etc. We always get her a card and her fav. perfume. They know the money situation so they don't say anything, but you get 'that look...' When I can't afford much, I try to make it special by getting something that doesn't cost too much.

A DVD she's been talking about, a g/c to the movies, a g/c to her hair dresser, print out a nice pic of the kids...

For my parents, again, they know the money situations... My mom rather receive just a card and know that I'm covered financially, then get a great gift and then I can't feed my kids or pay a bill. my mom LOVES pics of my kids (the only grandkids), so that is one gift that I can give that no one else can. However, when my sis gives her these expensive gifts that I can in no way afford, I do feel bad. I can't help it. I know she understands, but still. It hurts me to see what sis has found this time...

One year the ILs got professional pics done. Told EVERYONE how much they spent. They had told me before hand that they also needed some work done on their car that was about the cost of the pro pics. I told them to get the car fixed and wait on the pro pics. Nope. Had this big presentation over the pics as presents on Christmas .... a week later they called the FIL to borrow money to fix the car because they needed it for work. Bet FIL really appreciated that pic then!

I also am not there yet but I would just take the acknowlegement and keep it moving. I have taught my kids from when they were very young to honor me and give me gifts and thanks on the regular. It was and is important to me. So they know the expectation. I don't expect them to spend time with me when they become fathers but I do expect a call and/or a card. Preferably the call and some token gift. My kids know me. I try to make myself plain and clear.

UPDATED

The easiest way to clear this all up is to ask her. I know all too well it's not what you make but what you keep that makes you wealthy. Right now I don't make much but I'm definitely weathier than most. She knows her son and how he was raised. She probably knows all the recognition is really coming from you and not him but it really wouldn't hurt to ask her. Hopefully she will be honest and upfront. Good communication is one of the keys to successful relationship. I would probably start by telling her how nervous and anxious you are about mother's day and would really like to do something special for her but have limited resources. Then ask her to let your know 3 things within an x budget that should would like to have and this way you have her birthday and christmas covered. Good luck.

Mothers Day is EVERYDAY! Our gift ia the chilldren that we have had the priviledge to bear. Isn't that supposed to be the real reason for mothers day?

I think each child should acknowledge the day in his/her own way. When my SS went to college, his first year out he totally skipped family gifts and we called him on it. A card would for Father's Day would be great. I send my mom and grandmother flowers and I don't think about what my sister or cousins send and I send the size arrangement I can afford. My mom and grandmother don't count pennies, either. If you feel like you want to do more, consider going over and sharing a meal or doing a chore for her or do something with your time. What I personally want most is time with my family in some way (skype, phone call, visit). I'd be more hurt by flowers with no relationship.